Friday, November 30, 2012

Moving (On) Without A Sound




Credit


The leviathan glides on,
seeking some unknown
clearing of light at the end
of its solitary voyage,
a journey marked only
by the fearful spaces
of empty ocean.

And yet how can it survive?



The Last Leviathan, 
Ruel De Vera
The Most Careful of Stars



Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hubris



Previously: Scale Back


We were learning the ropes, and the once-sour relationship between me and the client had sweeten a bit. This morning, I just penned my first business proposal - to offer our skills in managing the website's wallflower social media accounts.

The team was confident it was doing well. The CEO just sent a congratulatory note last Thanksgiving for a "job well done." But then, life sometimes pull a nasty surprise when you thought you have figured things out.


We need you to immediately discontinue work for Green Eco Store, and send us the invoice for your work to date in November.  

We attempted to engage in a reasonable discussion about the October invoice and were unable to make progress in the allocated time.


Karma's a bitch and yours truly just got a gut-squeezing uppercut - just when it felt like the universe had shown mercy, and for a moment granted me reprieve.




Unfair Assessment



A conversation.

5. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:08

by the way, you spoke to the boy?
6. X  23. Nov. 2012 - 04:11

we're friends. do you know him?
7. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:13

yeah, I owe him an apology.
8. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:14

what for?
9. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:15

For suddenly stopped texting.
10. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:19

why?
11. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:21

He got too close.
12. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:22

too close to what? am i to ask you bit by bit about this?
13. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:24

fine with me, my worry is I am distracting you. You're looking for hook-ups, I'm just here to watch. :)
14. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:29

(laughs) maybe it's best that you stopped contacting him. that guy deserves someone better. you're a kid in a grown-up's body man. grow up
15. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:32

That's what I'm telling you. I stopped contacting him without telling my reason. He deserves a little honesty dude and since you're his friend, somehow the message will trickle back to him.
16. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:35

I'm logging out. Thanks for listening Ricardo.
17. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:36

so you made a fool out of him. that's just great man. tell you what, only a few genuine guys here exist. we are rare. =) you had your chance, and karma is a real bitch you know
18. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:39

not talking to you again man. blocked.


Ricardo got me there. Yes, for making a fool out of someone, and for acting like a kid by doing a disappearing act when his friend began texting random stuff - things I don't even care like his whereabouts or the meals he had eaten. 

But more than getting too close for comfort and the emotional hang ups, there are three reasons I decided to make haste and drop the boy. First is because I'm already going out with someone, second is because I can't recognize a friend who looks down on men who act and think less masculine than him and third is because I've never been truthful from the very start.

He was looking for a discreet and straight-acting confidant. And while I can appear more butch than him. I no longer consider myself a resident of the closet. Remembering what he told me about his online pal he "nearly punched" during a meet up for being a faker, I wonder what would my fate be had he known I hug trannies and cross-dressers in gay clubs.

I wasn't able to defend myself, or relay my apologies to the boy. I don't even know how Ricardo could make sweeping judgments when he hardly listened to what I was trying to say.

Deserved or not, there is no doubt that I would be seen in different prism as I continue to stumble between companionship and intimacy. This is just the opening salvo to a saga that has happened long before this journal has been conceived. I would never know how my story book will be read tomorrow - or who I'd end up next. But just to set things straight and bring peace to someone. I'd give the discreet boy some answers and explain my sudden disappearance.

Before I lift off for my journey to outer space.

At the very least he should know: 

I maybe manly and all, but deep down, I'm already proud at heart.        




Sunday, November 25, 2012

Ninang




Masayang nagsasayaw si Bunso kasama si Shattershards malapit sa stage nang mapansin ko ang lalaki sa aming likuran. 

Maputi ang binata, nasa mid-twenties ang edad at ang mga mata nito'y nakatingin sa aking inaanak. Ramdam ko na siya ay naaakit. Hindi nga lang nito alam kung paano magpapakilala.

Nahuli ko ang binata na pilit inaabot ang balikat ni bunso. Magalaw ang kanyang pagsasayaw kaya't hindi nito napansin ang pagdampi ng kamay ng tigahanga. Umulit pa ang lalaki ng isang beses, ngunit ito ay muling nabigo. 

Sa pagkakataong iyon ay ako na ang kumuha sa kanyang kamay. Ipinatong ko ito sa balikat ng aking kasama sabay pihit ng buong katawan nito upang makaharap ang binata. 

"Go dance with him," utos ko na may pilyong ngiti sa mukha. Sunod-sunuran naman si Bunso na tila alam na walang patutunguhan ang kanyang pag-kontra. 

Nagsayaw ang dalawa at sa aking kinaroroonan ay mukhang bagay na bagay sila. Magkasingtangkad, guwapo, at parehong may ipagmamalaking katawan. Sa piring ng usok at laser lights ay naaninag kong magkadikit ang katawan ng mga binata. Bumulong ang lalaki sa kanyang kasayaw. Si Bunso naman ay sabay turo sa akin, na tila nagpapahiwatig na ako ang kanyang kausapin sa kanyang binabalak.

"Puwede ko ba siya i-kiss?" Paalam sa akin ng binata. Ako naman ay tumango sabay turo ng aking hintuturo sa aking pisngi.

"Sa lips..." Paglilinaw niya. Muli ko naman diniin ang daliri ko sa aking pisngi.

Walang nagawa ang binata kaya't patuloy na nagsayaw ang dalawa. Makailang ulit na hinalikan ng lalaki si Bunso sa pisngi, habang ako naman ay nagsawalang bahala. "Trip-trip lang," sa isip ko. Tutal, pati ang Ninang ay ipinaris rin naman sa inaanak ng iba. 

Ngunit sa tuwing ilalapat ng lalaki ang kanyang labi at makikita kong umiiwas si Bunso, naroon ang mumunting pag-aalala. Paano kung maka-iskor ang binata samantalang hindi naman ito ang ibig ng inaanak ko? Paano kung sa biglang paghawi ng mga tao ay dumaan ang prinsipe na aming hinahanap?

Hindi nagtagal at ako na rin ang umakbay kay Bunso, at sa muli ay pinihit ko ito paharap sa akin. Walang nagawa ang kasayaw kundi bumalik sa kanyang mga barkada. Bakas ang disappointment at pagkabitin sa kanyang mukha. Party Pooper man kung titingnan, pero sadyang may limit lang talaga ang flirting lalo pa't hindi naman gusto ng isa ang kanyang kapiling.






Thursday, November 22, 2012

Noises From The Blue Planet



Headline. n. a 200-character online status which features heavily on dating websites like Planet Romeo. Headlines appear with the profiles of members on the site's search results. Mainly used to draw attention or sum a person's state of mind, (for those who don't bother to read personal descriptions) a sharp observer can sketch impressions simply by reading them.

For those who are good with ice breakers, headlines can sometimes open doors and strip men naked.




Be confident but never cocky. There's a thin line between being confident and being too full of yourself. Always remember that.

Flaunting your looks and intelligence and putting people down never gets you anywhere. A modest, self-assured introduction does. I know it's just a headline, and the kid's profile doesn't tell much. But I was so impressed with his gentle reminder, I left a footprint complementing his words.  




Don't message me if you don't look good, chubby, and ugly!! If you're not aware na pangit at chubby ka, sige lang message ka.. I will let you know... Hahahaha!! bbm?

No wonder, it's always windy in Santa Mesa. What's your storm category dude? 




Looking for smart, good looking like me. No Dramas...

Ayos na sana eh... kung hindi mo lang ginawang example ang sarili mo. Major, major turn off.




Partee boy here invite invite gvgvgvgvgvgvgvggv :)

Too much poppers snorting and pill popping will make your head... airy.





Kung ikaw makakatulong sa akin sa pamasahi ko pauwi jan sa Manila ikaw na maging ka live-in ko d2 pa ako sa Davao sa tita ko add me sa FB ko...

Iahon lang sa pagkalugmok sa probinsya, instaboylet kaagad? Panalo!! Sana lang, marunong ka rin magluto, mag-drive ng sasakyan, magkumpuni ng mga sirang gamit sa bahay at magbantay ng tindahan pag gabi. 

Kailangan namin ng boy.





P.R. is an avenue for SEX, stop pretending that you are here searching for friends and lover. Be true to your intentions! Patulong po makapasok ng work, palakasan ngayon sa pagpasok, kahit maganda record mo but still need somebody whom you know inside. (all caps)

Need I say more? Ikaw mismo contradicts your statement. How will you pass a job interview when your mind doesn't know where it's going? 

Here's my tip: Attend a call center training at TESDA. May ramp-up ang mga BPOs for next month's Holidays.




Wrapping your arms around me makes me feel safe and secure... and kissing gives the feeling that I am yours.. sigh.. how hopeless can I get? can we find love in a hopeless place like this.. sigh... :(


I wish to believe Rihanna speaks the truth. But many times, people confuse love for lust, and attraction for romance. Planet Romeo can be many things: a hook up pool, a well-spring of friendship, a river to taint with conceitedness, an empty lagoon for those searching for lovers. I feel the kid's longing and I do wish him well. But rather voice my desire to find the other, I will let the other find me; learn who I am, not in a place like this.




Looking for someone to spend my life with... and if that someone comes along, my life would be complete...

You're forty. A late-bloomer bachelor in the eyes of those who don't know your preference - if you've managed to hide it from them. Maybe, you're financially stable. Perhaps, you're emotionally mature to accept whatever life throws at you. And with a market on a slump; a sagging skin and deep facial lines to complement the expanding girth of the belly; and a social life that revolves around friends you have known for a lifetime, the only one missing is a devoted partner. Someone you would grow old with.

I still have a decade to waste. But when I read his headline, I let my thoughts float in the air - wishing - for him to find his happiness, wherever he lies.




Try me once u taste u will be hooked like a web of a spider ;)

Anudaw?




Looking for top to top fun.

Oh hello there Jap Nishi. I wonder what top to top fun is. Have you become a versa-in-denial? Lol.


Amusing as it is, you can log in and spend hours reading people's headlines. And upon reading hundreds of them, one can feel the interconnection. That somewhere along, these guys might have sent private messages to one another, spoke briefly on the phone, did quickies, fell in love, fell out of love and moved on. It's like everyone had experienced a trauma or elation, that it changed their view of others - forever. 

As a result, some choose to put walls and push away those who are not to their liking (no effems, skinnies and chubbies please, posers are losers etc.) while others continue to hope of a better story even when disappointments happen again and again. It's the same routine stuck on playback, until such time when it's too difficult to leave - for it's the only place you know to meet and talk to people - like you.

Not for me.

Looking back, the noises go on, even louder in the dead of the night. But when one longs for silence, and prefers deeply detached from others, there is no other way but to lift off and leave the planet, hopefully never to be heard or seen again.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Collateral Damage (Finale)



Previously on Souljacker


"So ano ang gagawin mo kapag bigla akong nagtanggal ng damit at tumabi sa iyo?" 

"Yayakapin kita at hahalikan." I sms-ed back. Earlier, the boy asked what I was doing. I said I'm in bed, writing notes on my journal.

"Nice... Palaban ka talaga ha?" 

"Ako pa..." I replied with a naughty emoticon. "Kala mo sa akin, masisindak sa iyo ser?" He went on to create sexy scenes that would make this entry a fitting addition to this cheeky blog.

It was the night after we talked on the phone. Even sunrise had beaten us to sleep as there were so many stories to tell and life to discover. From the time we woke up that weekend afternoon, to the final minutes before midnight as we readied to sleep, we were constantly updating each other about the things we did the whole day. 

I had no idea what he was up to. Maybe he had found a really good company as we both share the same wave length. It was possible too, that after all the excuses, he was hoping I would change my mind and let him into my place. 

What he didn't know is that from the moment he crossed the line and told me some perverse things that made me stiff the first night, he was already being sized up and put to my standard. All the stories he said - from having to endure a two-timer boyfriend for six months - and catching him with another guy at the pad they both shared; to his habit of running away from his eyeballs once they failed his "discreetness" test, to his desire for a simple life, (umiinom ako sa kanto-kanto lang; hindi ako kumakain sa restaurant, namamahalan ako; i don't go to the mall) to the fact that he is in the academe and is still being supported by his parents gave me a rather half-baked but blanket idea of the person I'm dealing with.

It didn't help that his SMS became more frequent after the weekend; his words more thoughtful and sweet when we have yet to meet for a drink.

Cruel as it may sound but I have been there - a long time ago. I met guys who were very sweet in SMS but they turn cold the moment you give in to their desire for an eyeball. One time, I've wasted an entire month getting to know someone, only to find out that our first meeting would be the last as we thought of keeping our options open. 

Expectation, when laced with attachment hurt. It destroys a rather good friendship when two people aren't mature enough to accept that real-life arrangement won't work. For this reason, I have learned: You never show strong interest to people you haven't met; chill lang, or you end up biting the dust long before you're able to scratch the surface and know, if your misplaced emotions should be there.

I would never deny my fault. That I sold my narrative very well that it got another person hooked. I revealed my delicate side in a place created for the purpose of getting laid. And when I let myself step over the periphery - when I have no intention of laying claim to the new territories - I was quick to run away when I sensed ties growing complicated.

Somehow it hurts when others have to pay the price for me to know where I stand.

"Kain tayo bro." No reply.

"Kamusta na pare?" No reply, still.

"Tol?" A frowning emoticon and still no reply. It will be his last sms to me.

All it took was three days for me to figure it won't work. And what's sad is that I haven't given him a chance even to explore the corners of friendship that I promised.

But when the heart and mind are torn apart, and a revolution rages within your badly divided self, sometimes the best course of action is to shun people out.

For when the baggage becomes too heavy, even when there is someone - willing - to carry them for you, most likely, you will never see the person's value.

Until you look at them at a hindsight.

I may never know how sincere the boy was or how betrayed he must have felt after I stopped texting. But when I sought within for a resolution, the untroubled voices resoundingly agreed to keep him out of trouble.

"Better for him to become a collateral," the self said. "Rather than receive a direct hit in a personal strife he has, and will never have a part.




Saturday, November 17, 2012

Utol



Someday, Baby Lenin will look back and say.

"Yaaaaaak, I kissed you on the cheek!?!"





Your uncle told you so.

So that when you both get into trouble, and we're no longer there to fight your battles, you'll know you have no one else to lean to but your brother.



Friday, November 16, 2012

Mellow



My starving ears may have its fill of euphoric, adrenalin-dripped thumping sounds of the dance floor. But when I am disarmed and my heart is exposed, the songs on my playlist mellow to these:




Natalie Walker - Colorblind


Heard the song played on Jam 88.3's A Different Sunday one evening and the melody got stuck in my ears ever since. The Counting Crow's cover speaks of someone's willingness to come into terms with herself - whatever her state of being. And that no matter how blurry her worldview has become, she longs for someone who would accept her for what she is.
    


Billie Myers - Kiss The Rain


Kiss The Rain, to many is a piano instrumental by Yiruma. But to those who were in their early twenties a decade ago, it was a Billie Myers signature that sent a lot of kids into fits of wrist cutting. According to Myers, she was listening to Bush's "Glycerine" one day and apparently misheard the chorus. Hearing the words "Kiss the Rain" instead of "Glycerine," she came up with a song that eventually would become her timeless contribution to music. 



Scala and Kolacny Brothers - Fake Plastic Trees


A fan of Homeland must have heard the angelic voices. Yes, the Belgian choir covered the Police's "Every Breath You Take." It was used for the season 2 teaser of the Emmy-awarded TV series. But before the choir rose to spotlight, their cover "Fake Plastic Trees" used to be a playlist favorite on Jam 88.3's A Different Sunday. 



The Wailing Jennys - The Parting Glass


Nothing beats a sound distilled to its bare essentials. It is for this reason A capella for me is one of the most moving and solemn forms of music. The Parting Glass was a splendid discovery. I was streaming YouTube when I came across The Walking Dead's season 3 trailer. The Wailing Jennys' haunting lullaby got me startled and typing the few words of the lyrics on Google lead me to the song's title.

The Parting Glass is an Irish and Scottish tradition. Often sung at the end of a gathering of friends, it reminds you that all good things must come to an end. 




Guster - Either Way


Guster is one of the hardly known alternative bands that made a dent when I still breathe in the closet. Their single, "Demon" was a song I used to play every time I need a reminder as to why deception is better than showing off your true skin. Many, many years later, I came across another of Guster's single and it touched me in ways a cold wind brushes the skin. Somber and cathartic; selfless to a fault, "Either Way invites a listener to curl up in bed and stare blankly at the wall as the heart re-evaluates the need to stay withdrawn so as to keep a frail side from being exposed.  


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Collateral Damage (Second Part)




Previously on Souljacker


The intense glow of city lights faded as the night passed into daylight. But the early morning lull didn't stop me and the boy from learning the lives we lead behind the skin full and teasing profiles on Romeo's world.

He was five years my junior. An only child, who pursued another shot at the academe to chase his dream of becoming a doctor. Wounded, he too was a returning pupil on Romeo's world.

The boy asked the reason for my existence. I truthfully answered that I don't know what I'm doing on the planet. Sure, I was horny. To a point maybe, I was inflating my ego. But I guess I'm as lost as the last time HavokSSR made planet fall.

"It's either I had the drill." I wrote. "That the pain and the memory will linger for another three months." He knew I just came from a break-up.

"Or puwede rin naman siguro na mawala ako dahil nakaya ko pa rin mag-intay at magtino." It was the first time I showed a hint of humanity after provoking so many men to bite my bait.

Between sharing our personal legends, were the naughty interludes, which kept our boners stiff. Twice, I asked if he would like to get off by juvenile means. Said he doesn't do phone sex, and preferred having the real thing.



It would have been amazing to see who blinks first, as no one likes to offer his place.

"May mga tao dito... sa inyo na lang." I said.

"Kung puwede nga lang. Kaso sa dorm ako nakatira." His lack of cooperation leaves us back to telling each other more stories.

Looking back, had he offered his place, I do not know if I will accept his invitation or not. It was far easier to sneak out than let another person into my home. But in doing so, I would have lost my wager and would have walked out with a broken heart. For somewhere among the stars, maybe, someone else might be waiting for a change of heart.

It just so happened that I let the inner strife consume me.

And there's no way of going back had I chose to get burned.



As his frustrations grew, I was short of giving in to temptation. The scorpions had stung me for the second night and our lives won't wait for a chance to arrange another match. Knowing that work will keep me busy for the rest of the week, and the winds of change is as erratic as my state of mind, a plan has been hatched to get what we both want.

"You can always say that a friend got locked outside his dorm." I heard my bedroom voice speaking. It was just me and my mom and a couple of helpers left in the house.

"But you know, he will have to leave when the fun is over." God, why do I have to over-think when libog and emotions come in-between.

Listening to the voice of restraint, I gave my digits not for us to meet. But to talk some more and assure him that I'm real. Because even when we don't find ourselves in the same bed, and we manage to keep our ties intact even when the trash talk had already blurred the lines of friendship. At the end of the night, I wish to know another person.

Someone, whose point of view that might help me get along as my life stumbles into its new spot.

Receiving a text message to confirm that he got my number. I pressed the headset against my ears. Hearing his voice for the first time, we end up talking until sunrise.


-tobecontinued-


Monday, November 12, 2012

Scale Back



Previously: Dog Days


Spring came to the office when the new project was announced last month. It was a piece of good news for a workplace that is on the verge of a slump. With me as the project liaison, I saw everything like it was a god-given break. Assured that I knew the business as it was part of my knowledge, we were certain to break new grounds before the month ends.

Me and the boss sailed our little ship across the sea of hope. For us, it was just a matter of time. The project is bound to expand given its growing market in the United States. But before it could happen, excellence must first come within us. "If we could impress the patrons," I told my team. "Our seats could double before December." 

"You need to see yourselves as leaders from now on, as your responsibilities will grow bigger with new people coming aboard." Everyone felt excited.

So we did our tasks beyond the patrons' expectations. We turned drops of instructions into torrents of output. We stayed late at work. We hastened our breaks. We went to work even when maladies dragged our bodies. Though refinement may not have been our strongest trait, we compensated by learning in the absence of guidance. We created our own process - and stuck to it - even when the stateside ringleaders were sometimes in disarray. 

There were frustrations as well. Subordinates who doubted orders. Faulty workmanship being brought up long after the campaigns were done. Patrons who insisted on accomplishing tasks they themselves don't fully understand. Manuals that had to be dissected as it was written only to be understood by its writers. A half-cook project in limbo. 

There were too many stones scattered along the path that soon after, the team began to stumble; the patrons' displeasure became more expressed (they told us straight that we should improve our quality first before we ever think of hiring more people) and my growing inefficiency became a source of self-doubt that I begin to question my ability to lead. I never had a sound sleep ever since this project put my life in suspended animation.

I never spoke of these troubles, not in the presence of the boss. For I had hoped the veneer of normalcy will get us through, even when the odds are growing against us. 

But my deputy and I knew that time will never be on our side. No matter how many hours we spend refining our work, and no matter what innovations we introduce to keep us needed. As the ones who see where work is truly required, our voices could help aid our patron's quest for perfection. But given the inexperience and the lack of authority to speak, we kept things to ourselves and hoped that our continued presence would slowly steer the project into our shared direction.

"Let's surprise them with things we know until they realize we're too important to be set free." I once told my deputy.

And surprise we did.

From being a copy-and-paste drones, we learned to be beta testers and Internet researchers. We harnessed the power of key words and used them to our advantage. We taught ourselves to navigate the project, and to the patrons' surprise, a task was needed and we have accomplished it without asking how it is done.

But the looming deadlock grew. We felt it every time we waited for our next task to be given a green light. It sent shivers to our bones when an irate patron sends correspondence privately, questioning our direction. We would just laugh at how they overturn old instructions. But deep down, we trembled for it showed how lost our handlers really are.

Until it came to a point they had to scale down our work.

The order was given and I was asked to let go one of my men. Vengeance is sweet when the choice came as to who to be put away.

But when the truth struck where it hurts, and the reality of a celebrated rebound became a subtle, but humiliating retreat, one can't help but ask: was there anything we could have done to keep us from getting to this point?

The narrative would echo throughout the workplace: that the patrons would be too busy to pay attention to our insignificant lives. As the project readies its final ascent into the web, we are left with a crippled but defiant workforce: eager to serve and prove its worth.

Meanwhile, the soul-searching must continue to make sure that this time, those of us remaining shall work as one.


           

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Collateral Damage (First Part)



He could have been someone worth knowing. A friend, a confidant, a regular drinking buddy that I could one day introduce to the Encantos. Ours is a story like no other, even when our narrative ran like everyone's gay tale.

A week ago, Mugen decides to once again taunt the self who still holds control of the body. One click of the mouse button, while floating above the blue skies of Planet Romeo, and there goes his profile, stripping in front of me.

Two things immediately caught my attention. His self-assured charm and his big... ego. I'm always a sucker for someone who dominates. For deep down, the cocky in me is searching for a counterpart.



It was never my intention to fish for I was very confident to receive an inquiry from others. So I checked his profile once again, only to learn that he had also checked mine. It went on for a couple more times, but neither made the attempt to break the ice. When I knew that he wouldn't make a move, and that he was waiting for me to take action, I hit him with a vague question hoping to get a response. 

"What alternative songs do you play?" I asked.

"One Republic, Dishwalla." I forgot the third band he mentioned. 

In response, I sent him the first two lines of the song Every Little Thing.

"Let me in, to see you in the morning light." He replied with a grinning emoticon.



From there we found anchorage. A hook that would sink even when I was busy setting meet-ups I would never take seriously. Music became our common ground as I sent him dozens of YouTube videos of the songs that break my heart. I was so at ease with our platonic arrangement that even when the scorpions stung, and I was edging on my seat for some action, I never bothered dropping reference to his huge... smile. 

I cannot afford to take our friendship into realms I never wish to be our destination.

Unless it was he who picked up the fight.

"Nice! ako naman walang time mag gym! Hahaha i pump my muscles when i jack off yun lang. Sure sure pare. Anyway kailangang nakatalikod sa litrato? Hehe" 

Of course, I knew where he was getting at. We were talking about one's fitness activity when he segued into something that I could use to ignite the fire. And with one provocative reply, I crossed the line and put our ties into zones we can no longer escape.

"Tagal ng pic yan. Trip mo?" It was calculated answer.

"Yeah i think it's hot. actually tinigasan ako senxa pare" 

From there, it was already easy to play the mischievous game.


-tobecontinued-


Thursday, November 8, 2012

Kindred







Pahintulutan mo akong dumapo sa ating tagpuan;
doon sa iyong panaginip na lagi mong sambit
sa ating paghimbing.

Sapagkat ngayong gabi, habang ako ay pumapaibabaw
sa itim na mantel ng langit;
sa kabila ng nagyeyelong damdamin at mga
salitang dinadagang ibulong sa hangin,

Pinagmamasdan ko pa rin ang iyong liwanag na yumayapos sa lupa
at pikit-matang dumadalangin:

Na sana

Sa pagsikat ng araw at muling pagkagat ng dilim,
tanglaw mo pa rin ang patuloy na gagabay sa akin.



A satellite capture of Metro Manila and the surrounding provinces at night. 

Monday, November 5, 2012

Sentry Post



My sister and her family, including my two young nephews spent the long weekend with the in-laws. If not for the maid, the lesbian driver and her trusted assistant, the occupants of the house would just be me and my mother.

Many things could happen when there are few people at home. I can sneak out at the middle of the night - like I used to - and find myself in some other's bed, or at the heart of the dance floor in Malate. I could also bring a "friend" in for a sleep over, like I did in the past. Of course, sleep happens when playtime is over.

What happened last week was a face-off - between my uptight self and my lustful nature. I won't deny its presence now the it can overwhelm me. The playground was Planet Romeo. A place I should have abandoned last week. But when the itch is too strong, and the skin-baring pictures command a sizable attention, the line demarcating a tease and a plunge becomes so blurred, you get sucked inside your own vortex.


"You have a place?"

"Wala nga eh, baka puwede sa inyo."

"Labo pre, may mga kasama ako dito."

"Sayang, gusto pa naman kita."

"Ako rin, Iniimagine ko pa lang ang gagawin natin, tinitigasan na ako."


What he didn't know is that I am dropping the bait without pulling the hook. Hell, I have no plans for a meet-up - not unless someone's place is walking distance away from mine. But proximity is still under consideration. I turned down a threesome when it was even just 600 feet from home. 

The reason?  

The guy's graphic description was enough to make me cum. Why go to the trouble of getting impaled - for real - when my right hand can do the job very well. Not only am I spared from the guilt of wasting; to afford myself a consummated encounter might be worth the wait. 

I am in for the long haul.

But there is a limit to one's provocation - as I learned as hours passed, and the longer you hold back the frenzy, the more it gets into your head.

As daybreak approaches, I was already openly expressive of my need. I pulled every trick in the book; every titillating words I learned from my long years of reading erotic stories, just to keep the other's attention from waning. But time is running out. The ones who were on the prowl had already gratified themselves. In my desperation; for letting myself get fucked by my own perversion, I would have given in to a real encounter, except there was none nearby.

"You want me to take a cab going to your place at the Fort?"

"Yeah, masasarapan ka naman sa gagawin natin eh."

"But that's one hour from my place."

"Intayin kita, sige na punta ka na."

"And then you expect me to take a cab back after we're done?"

"Sige na.... please."

"Sa taxi pa lang magjajakol na ako." 


There were others, like the one near Betty Go Belmonte LRT Station. He claimed that he hasn't touched himself for a week, and that the mere revelation of my red lips had him a boner. I could have asked for his cock pic, but he had none. Another had a place not far from mine. But to get there, I still have to walk twenty minutes, across unlit and deserted roads, when all it takes to use my imagination is five. From my near-joy experiences with these men, I learned that it's very difficult to think correctly when one is extremely horny.

The biggest challenge came the night after. When I logged on at Planet Romeo to once again challenge my order. A friendly conversation with a constant chat mate turned provocative when he slipped "loaded" words that caught my fancy. Unlike with the ones I spoke the morning earlier, this guy and I had chemistry. I was ready to conceal my interest to foster platonic ties when it was he who pick up the fight.

"Punta ako diyan, I'll cuddle you all night long." He said.

"And then I'll slide my dick inside yours. You like it right?" 

"And then I'll kiss you some more and stay there while we listen to your alternative music." 

"Please let me stay there with you." 

Shit ang sarap sana. But I know that libog can make someone say the sweetest words to get what the person wants. 

I could have told my mom that a "friend" got locked at his dorm and he has no place to stay. Mother would have said yes, since everyone I bring home is a "friend" of my friend - if not a colleague at some "raket." But by then, I thought of her as she slept soundly in the master's bedroom. 

Would I risk her peace by letting a stranger in?

Would I violate my own accord of holding the fort while my sister is away? 

I stayed home during the long weekend so that someone will watch over my mother. Lust aside, what I can only admit now is that the night-long exposure on the planet had some deeper purpose - to keep myself awake and distracted as I perform my lonely vigil.

I could have spared so many, from the false notion of sluttiness. Not far from home, someone could have stayed over, and perhaps, look after me instead.

But I chose to dance alone.

The ancient entries refer to the episodes as the Scorpion Nights. It is when I drop the layers of pretension and give in to my perversion. 

The last few nights have revealed that the scorpions have returned. Raw, potent and biting as they have been; disarmed only by noble choices that often come between the urge and restraint.

My mom slept soundly for three nights, while I eased my convulsions by whacking myself at someone's expense. Now that my sister has returned, and the bundles of joy have brought sunshine back to our home, I can slide once again into my dream-states, knowing with all certainty that despite the sad upheavals, the stinging arachnids and fiery rebellions within,

Securing the fractured order hints a subtle longing to wait for whoever - rightfully - will come.




Sunday, November 4, 2012

Compassion




An SMS Conversation:


October 27

Hello Mugs. Salamat sa pag-allow s akin ng homebased ha malaking tulong sa pakiramdam ng mami ko pag andito ako sa haus dont worry ndi ko naman napapabayan mga trabaho saka alam nman ng mami ko ndi ako pwd istorbohin basta kampante lng cya na andito ako sa haus.

Masaya na ako na nakikita mo siya habang nagwowork ka. You owe your team mates part of the credit as well.

October 29

Mugs tnx sa txt mo last time mukhang ndi ako mkakapaghomebased sumisigaw sa sobra pain ang mami ko.

Aww di mo dadalhin sa doctor mom mo?

The doctor gave us pain reliever pero not the highest dosage yet.

[insert sad emoticon here] ok I will put absent on your attendance para makafocus ka jan.

November 1

Nasa hospital ikaw Fatima?

Yes pero lilipat p kmi ng iba hospital kc nid ng intensive care unit.

I will pray for your mom. I asked u kasi worried kami sayo.

Tnx s prayers nyong lahat.

Grabe ngang episode ng life to nkakapagod nakakadrain ng lakas at nakakawala din gana kumain may time na gusto ko na tlaga i let go ung mom ko pra wag na cya mahirapan pero cyempre mas malakas pa rin ung hope ko na gagaling cya.

Entrust everything to God. When this is all over, asahan mo, you will be a stronger person. Ang mahalaga, naparamdam mo sa mama mo na never siya nag-isa. Na nagtagumpay siya bilang isang ina.

Salamat Mugs. Salamat sa pag-unawa nyo sa akin.

Wala yun. Be strong and God bless.



As early as the middle of October, time was running out for Fatima and her mother. Only a miracle can overturn the final stages of malignant neoplasm. 

Fatima is my subordinate. A plump, small lady who could have been dismissed for her poor output and a pattern of non-presence and tardiness at work. Her work habits had irked me in the past. But given her dedication - when the company needed extra hands, and a lending ear when it's time for me to vent my frustrations, she's always been there to ease my headaches.

"Tao lang kami," I assured her when she wrote a letter to the boss requesting to be allowed to work at home.

"Make sure you check her stats ha, and she can only be granted such arrangement for a week." The boss ordered after I chipped my thoughts during our consultation. 

"It's not part of our company policy."

Fatima did perform beyond expectations. As a quiet observer and keeper of Statistics, cold numbers showed that she kept the end of her bargain. Her output had increased without a dip in quality. The latter, I knew from her colleagues. I guess the reason for her improvement is the mom factor. In my head, I see Fatima beside her bedridden mother while she taps the keyboard. The comfort of the heart amidst the turbulence of the mind; the string of words she had promised to keep; and the overflowing of love from the people at work had kept her steady throughout the ordeal. 

I do not know if in other places, such care could even be spared.

Her work-from-home was extended. The boss left the country for a business meeting, and he asked me to be his deputy. It would have been business as usual with one or two agents not showing up for work. But by then, Fatima's absence became more frequent. No longer could she perform her duties as her mom's pain had gone bad to worse. 

"Put yourself in her condition," My inner self spoke. "You will understand." 

The text conversations ceased after All Saints Day. What I've heard from her friends is that the family went home instead of looking for hospitals. Her struggle did slip off my mind as work turned into nightmare. And then, on November 2. An hour after lunch break. The office got a call.

It was from Fatima.

"Wala na mami ko." She was sobbing while recalling her last moments with her mother. 

"She can now rest in peace." I said in a somber voice. "Please accept my condolences."



I could have done things by the book - by suggesting that she takes a leave or even resign so the management could look for a replacement. But in a tiny workplace - where family matters and even the highest authority doesn't show up for days to resolve a domestic conflict, a resolution such as mine has no place.

If there is one thing I learned, it is that managers are counselors. At times, when Fatima sent text updates about her mom's condition; When she poured her heart out when she could have confided everything to her best friend; and when she called the office instead of the funeral home minutes after her mother passed away;

I understood that we were her strength.

I could have done things by the book. But by ignoring the boss' instructions and instead, rallied everyone around our bereaved colleague - and making each and everyone of us a sympathetic witness to her struggle, I hope that I was able to show the real face of the company.

Compassion.