Last Hurrah For 23

Barely 18 hours before 24, confusion reigns in my heart.

I have never been depressed or scared like this in more than several months. Suddenly, I was seeking any security blanket that I would find since I realize how near I am to becoming 24... I tried to tell myself that I would be okay, that what I am feeling now is just a phase.

But I am still scared, unready for what lies ahead of me.

To be honest with you, part of my fear is the memory of what happened last year. My mom said that I should forget about it since that traumatic experience leaves a bitter taste whenever I remember it. I hope such thing would never happen again, yet two days ago, my mother slipped in the bathroom and broke her ankle. Yesterday, her hips hit a steel part of her wheelchair. Last night, she began complaining that her hips hurt and she can't breathe normally.

Phanks on the other hand hardly talks to me after his family found out that her youngest sister (to whom I am semi-official) was pregnant. His world suddenly crumbled into pieces, he stopped going to work to focus his attention to his final requirements for school, and lastly I feel that I have taken a backseat in his life, while all these things happen around him.

Actually, my only wish on my birthday is for him to greet me first... or just even remember my birthday at least, but I'm not really sure if he would remember it at all.

Well, I have a response to that if ever that happens.

Last night, I had a major fight with my sister after she suddenly knocked on my door so hard while I was intensely watching Yuyu Hakusho. Out of shock, my defense reaction was I shouted at her. She shouted back, and before we knew it. Our mother was already throwing things in her room to protest our actions.

I was pissed off after it happened. Although, I did make peace with them after several minutes but my mood was already beginning to get sour.

And I felt more lonely than before.

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Counting 17 hours before 24, I am still not sure how to mark my coming of a new age. In my mind, I am extremely uncomfortable knowing that more responsibilites and realities would come my way. In my heart I just want to shut myself from everyone. I want to be non-existent by tomorrow.

I don't know if this is a sign of the coming quarter life crisis, but as far as I know. I did only officially mark my age once in a span of seven years.

Oh well, I just hope everything would turn out okay.

After all, I am looking forward to a rebirth at 24.