The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

Our searchee number one attended a KTV party a month ago. He was solo when he showed up. But after a few hours, he tagged along a new guy. Someone he invited at the last minute. Searchee one said, it's the first time they met. And as the night wore on, they were seen in a corner holding hands. Even whispering sweet nothings. 

Observers worried it might just be a night-long affair. Something, searchee one was good at doing. But as the days rolled by, the couple were seen going out. They posted messages on Twitter telling their activities, and after two weeks of getting to know each other, news spread that they have formed a union.

A domino effect would take effect.

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Now our searchee number two broke up with his boyfriend of many years. He had to let go because of love. In his words, his ex's life choices would force them to adjust to a long distance relationship. Something he cannot do. So searchee two had to let go, and in his partner's absence, he started attending our weekly binges.

He never missed it.

It is in these one of our drinking weekends that he met a newcomer. Someone introduced to our side of the table for the first time.

Searchee two would later say that it was the newcomer who sent the first direct message. His claim, I side with as I recall remarking how cute the newcomer was, but searchee two paid no attention. In just a week after they started talking, the newcomer would sleep in searchee's pad. They would dine in and out, talk over Facetime, had Twitter-vised fights, do sleep overs again and attend the weekend get together as pair.

Soon, they too would announce on social media, "kami na."

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One by one, drinking buddies I go out every weekend got hitched. There is Panda and Amorsolo, whose secret trysts may have resulted in some friendships to end. But they weaved their love story well, their attachment blossomed and has now become permanent. Jaysome found his prince at some distant realms nobody in the group knew existed. And while Team JoozyJake decided to lie low, with Jake's work assignment abroad, everyone who knew them believe they are a power couple.

These unions happening all at once had a profound effect on those few remaining unattached. Where spaces didn't exist, now honeymoons have to give way to collective merriment. Some, no longer show up despite repeated invitations. And while we try to understand the absence; the pervading silence among couples, whose songs and stories once made joy to our boring days, there is no denial that they now lead guarded lives.

Feeling left out, one has to create ways to shake off this loneliness. No wonder, I was on Wechat searching for digital affections. The troubles I used to dodge I now embrace with alarming desperation. If there is one point I felt so disarmed knowing lives have changed, the month was an eye-opener. All of a sudden, reflections on how I missed so many opportunities to love came to haunt me with loss and regret. Singlehood has now become a struggle I no longer believe, and while shards remain locked with the past, the future stays bleak as I feel my unspoken fondness to some people eventually turn them away.

Leaving me to question my self-esteem.

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June was the month I started feeling the chink in the armor; where the lullaby of human longings bedlam with domestic and career issues. It was the month I wasted time on distractions and showed off some stuff that didn't need to be seen - especially by strangers. And to cap it off, a social experiment took place to know if joy can be found in a single tablet. For a few euphoric hours, it felt bliss. I came crashing just when I realize it was the break I needed.

Still, good graces let me find my center, my worst fears stayed in the domain of fiction, and I remained in pursuit of abstinence, in spite of the free access to the tools of lust. While questions still linger as to why some "interests" cease talking, comfort comes when reason takes over and decry my unreadiness for romantic engagement.

All is well for now, and for couples-friends whose lives deeply affected my own. As I return solo to the spot where others found love, and for some, who found it again, it is my sincerest wish that theirs multiply in years, and they get to know each other in ways the pasts had never done.

1:30a, June 30, 2013