Two

Twelve things I have learned after a year of searching for love.

Gaano man igiit ng isang binata na walang mangyayari sa inyong dalawa kapag ito ay nakitulog sa iyong kuwarto, asahan mo na pagsapit ng madaling araw, braso nito ay nakapulupot sa iyong  hubad na katawan habang isang kamay naman nito ay gumagapang sa loob ng iyong shorts. (Orion)

Hindi ako naniniwala sa long-distance relationship. (Orion)

Maaring mahulog ang iyong loob sa isang binata depende sa galing at diskarte nito sa pagbayo. Masarap kung sa masarap ang isang dakila, ngunit higit na masarap ang pakiramdam kapag ikaw ay tinatanong niya ng "masakit ba? dahan-dahanin ko lang ha?" (Serendra Boy)

Sweet ang isang binatang namimigay ng Hershey's Chocolate matapos ka nitong maikama. (Serendra Boy)

Kakaiba magpahalaga ang taong may suot na gintong singsing sa kanyang daliri at nagrereport kay misis pagsapit ng alas-diyes. (Mister Deja Vu)

Tama si Fox. Hindi ko man aminin pero sobrang turn on ako sa lalaking maginoo pero medyo bastos.  Kahit pa mukha itong exotic. (Mister Deja Vu)

May mga lalaki na mangungumusta sa iyo sa text pero kapag nagsimula ka na makipagkuwentuhan ay hindi na ito magrereply. (Mister Deja Vu, Serendra Boy, Cryptex AO)

Hindi ibig sabihin na nakipagholding hands sa iyo ang isang binata habang kayo ay nanonood ng sine ay gusto ka na nito makarelasyon. (Cryptex AO)

Abutin man ng isang buwan ang pagiging textmates niyo ng isang binata, sa oras na nahaluan na ng usapang romansa ang inyong kuwentuhan at sabay na nagdesisyon kayong magkita in person, madalas na nauuwi sa wala ang lahat ng inyong pinagsamahan. (A-Brazen)

Mahirap gumawa ng alibi sa nanay kapag labing-walong oras mo kasama sa galaan ang ka-date. (Base9)

Hindi ko man isigaw pero napaka-possessive ko pagdating sa taong gusto ko. (Base9)

Mahalaga para sa akin ang kapartner na nakakakuwentuhan at kasundo ko sa maraming bagay.  Hindi ako tatagal sa isang relasyon kapag wala ang element na ito.  (Audy 01106820)

and your heart speaks... it asks how it truly feels being...




Beyond attraction, the corrupting condition of lust, and the deceptive nature of infatuation. I wondered, for the first time,




what it is to love.

Sentience,

Midnightafterburner
December 28, 2009

We asked.
We learned.

Now we figure we don't need it. Not anymore.

This is me two years after independence.

Orion

It is not about physical attraction to begin with, but with the unspoken connection of the hands, when they held each other under the table. Attachment begins with the understanding of the spirit, when you find yourselves arm locked in a single bed, naked, and sharing one blanket. His arrival at the Encantos' booze party demanded a change of plans. Instead of going solo when friends call it a night, I was in the company of someone, who for some reasons still hold sway over me. We went bar hopping in Timog. Listened to some live bands perform their final set, and drank more bottles of San Mig Light until I felt woozy and on the verge of falling asleep.

He offered to take me home. An invitation I didn't decline. After all, the guy was the last to sleep over and familiarity made him a comfortable sight in my room.

I do not know where this extended introduction would lead to. The heart doesn't wish to speak its words yet. With lingering hang-ups I need to resolve, the question lies whether I could truly stick up with him and give up a slice of freedom or will I remain on the prowl, still.

But after jacking off my horny demons last week
and ditching out the potential one-time affairs out of my lands;
After telling everyone I'm bored with new prospects
while secretly scouting for new affairs.

I cannot deny that his appearance last night was a moonshine moment.

For all the claims of jadedness surrounding this blog, I am still thankful for sleeping in the arms of someone - I secretly wish - will save me from these most turbulent of nights.




No promises this time.
My only word is to stay.

---

Ngayon ikaw ay nagbalik
At tulad ko rin ang iyong pananabik
Makita ang dating kanlungan
Tahanan ng ating tula at pangarap
Ngayon ay naglaho na
Saan hahanapin pa?

Noel Cabangon
Kanlungan

Unguarded Moments

Sa inuman ng mga Encanto noon ay may tinatawag kaming unguarded moments. Yun ang basehan ng grupo kung katanggap-tanggap ba ang bagong kasapi o hindi. Noon kasi ay masyadong paranoid ang ilan sa amin. Kumulot lang ng kaunti ang iyong daliri at maaring maging subject yun for expulsion. Hindi daw kasi sila comfortable makisama sa effem. Pero nakaraan na ang panahong iyon. Kahit ang nag-imbento ng term na si Tagay ay marunong na mag gay-speak ngayon. At gaya ng maraming grupo, unti-unting nagbabago ang tingin namin sa mga tao. At ang mga unguarded moments, naging biru-biruan at pang-aasar na lang kapag medyo sumasablay sa kilos ang ka-tropa naming lasing.

---

Nagmomonitor ako ng chat logs sa aking computer. Ipod ko ang nakasalang sa speaker at biglang tinugtog ang mga kanta ni Whitney Houston. Dead giveaway sa mga bading kung hindi sila day-off ngayon. Swerte ko. Subalit nang biglang bumirit ang diva ng chorus ay bigla akong napakanta.

And I...
am not afraid to...

"Shit!" Napabulong ako sa sarili. Bakit ba ako nadala ng bugso ng damdamin gayong puro Alternative naman ang nasa play list ko sa tuwing nag-eemo.

Ito marahil ang nais sabihin ng aking sarili. Sa dinadalang mabigat ng puso ko ngayon, nais lamang ipagpilitan nito isigaw ang lyrics ng kanta:

I'm wiser now
Im not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know






It's time for me to do it on my own

The Proposal

"Hi Galen. How do I put it.. um I really need to be with someone tonight. Puwede ka ba tonight? Pasensya if it's carnal na talaga. If it's ok lang naman with you..."

If the stars speak of the fates of men, mine would be many choices to get laid as the days march into the coming of the new month. One was a near miss some Saturdays ago. The invitation was offered, but I declined at the last minute. It was a no-frills sex, a booty call of epic proportions. I backed off for I had one thing in mind: I was saving myself for someone better, I sense would come along. Another was offered last weekend. It was me who sought his invitation for the utol was out, and the Scorpions may reappear as the night gives in to twilight. The party stayed over and slept. We chose not to cross the line. The last invitation came this evening. It was from someone I didn't expect. His choice of words uncertain: his aggression made me upset.

Guys like me are no stranger to such proposals. Sex is sex and some guys I know would never decline an invitation. But I guess he underestimated my sense of control: That I seldom strike someone I consider a friend. Once, twice, thrice it happened and the price I paid was the total disconnection of fraternal bonds. Blame it on me, whose act of copulation I see as an insurgency. The line that divides attachment and hostility is drawn, always at the rib section of the bed.

So why did this last invitation made me upset? Maybe because he caught me not in the mood for it - NO. Maybe because I was never interested even before - PERHAPS. But I guess the real reason lies behind the choice I made when it was me who invited someone to stay over at my place...

I will cut my thoughts here, for things are still too early to tell.

Besides, if and ever I want to get laid. There are many places to choose and these realms will emancipate me from the pressures of searching it closer to my world.

Unless one speaks through his emotions - which I doubt - for emotions precede any act of lust.

Had it been my ball, I will go inside a bath house and strut my stuff for everyone to see. I would choose someone who equally complements my looks and appeal. It will not be me performing the opening salvo and instead let the other's hand do the talking. I will maintain control over the situation, my heart tucked under my sleeve, my lust demanding to hit hard and strike deep.

There's only one chance to leave an impression.

If not the bath house, the chat room would do well. I will post an advertisement. Tell everyone my location. Reveal my stats, my half-naked photos (which I heard, are being used by someone there) and seal the deal with a manly, direct and assertive way of telling someone how horny I am.

"Tangina pare sobrang libog ko na, chupain mo ako pagdating ko jan ha."

"Masarap ka ba i-fuck. Halikan tayo habang tinitira kita ha?"

"6.5 etits ko, anong gagawin mo sa kanya pag nakita mo ito?"

Guys like me never beat around the bush, nor tell openly to a bed mate how lonely we are. Sex is sex and gaining some hard lessons from the last bed battle I fought, affection, attachment and even the sharing of minds never happen if and when things begin by the stroking of one's stiff cock.

A preemptive declaration of lust is always a direct act of war.

---

His big arms, sweet as lullabies
humming soft melodies putting me to sleep.
Wrapped around my chest, it felt being shielded
from anything that would strike us as we rest.

The one I invited over knew where to draw the line
As we both feared everything will be forgotten
when the sun rises the following day.
Our decision not to shoot missiles against each other's fort
gave us time to explore the prospects

of a permanent peace.

And reinforces my claims that the meet up was a "diplomatic" mission.

Strange how the sleepover ended. It did change my perception of how...

affection begins.