I found myself sitting on a steel lamp protector beside Bargo. While reading his text messages, tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.
It was not my intention to leave home last night. In fact, I would rather spend the evening lying on my bed or tinkling my blog. But since he'll gonna spend the night with his officemates - and knowing how vulnerable my bud is when drunk, I chose to be in the vicinity of Malate, just in case he would need me.
I arrived shortly after 9. To kill time, I spent almost two hours surfing the net and checking out the Outsiders' websites and my friends' blogs. At first, his phone wasn't attended so I began to worry. But shortly before midnight, I finally secured a communication with him.
Obviously, he's not really enthusiastic about me around. I couldn't blame him either, his officemates often teases him - by calling me his "ever-loving papa"
I don't really care whatever names they call me. As long as I know who I am and what my feelings are, nobody can stop me from caring for my bud. During one of my last calls to him, before they went to Padis, he intentionally dropped my call... so I presumed that he really wants to avoid me at that moment.
To break away from the boredom, frustration, and looming loneliness, I decided to go to BED. After all, doing nothing and waiting for him till kingdom come would only make matters worse.
So I went to Bed and partied like there was no tomorrow.
--
Ever since I became committed, I avoided going out alone. Perhaps to avoid temptation or simply because the prospects of clubbing alone and being fished are not applicable to me anymore. Last night, I had no choice. I'm not sure if an Outsider was around, but I don't want to make an appearance either if ever there's an Odder in Malate.
Simply speaking, I also want to be alone.
1 am, I tried to check him out, but there was no response. Whammy (cute) guys are flowing that night in BED, and the prospect of being fished was getting higher. I kept on distracting my thoughts by always looking at my phone - I guess it was the thing that saved me from flirting around. But anyways, I've been in the worst kinds of temptations. I wouldn't simply give up my relationship for a sleazy one-night stand that night.
By 2 am, the strain of waiting was already getting to me. I'm already dead tired, and the music bores me. He finally texted only to inform me of the most unfortunate news.
His female officemate asked him to accompany her to Tondo. Phanks can't decide whether to join her and leave me in Malate. Disappointed, I told him to decide for himself. I don't have the answers either (although if it's my case, I would accompany the lady first then come back to my bud after).
15 minutes later, he said he was leaving with his officemate. I simply told him: "ingat ka na lang."
Then the world around me abruptly stopped. I was simply staring at my phone not minding the party around me. People were looking for partners, but I was just standing there, incredulous about his decision.
--
In an instant, I posted something in the YG. I was extremely frustrated that I needed to vent my feelings, or I might vent it out on someone else. Since I was leaning on a wall in Bed's second floor, eyes were upon me. I could have allowed myself to be fished (to get back to my bud), but I decided to leave BED immediately and buy a cigarette to release my tension.
And I found myself sitting on a steel lamp protector, my bud then texted me explaining the things that have happened. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I analyse... as I was trying to understand his point. But no matter how I open my mind, the pain and betrayal looms upon me. Masakit pala kapag iniwan ka ng taong, sinadya mo lang intayin para hindi maiwanan... tapos yun pala eh iiwanan ka lang pala sa huli.
To make matters worse, he tried to console me by asking if I could wait for him... he promised to return.
One thing I hated most is that when someone initially said something, then he would eat his words afterward. I would rather enjoy wallowing in bitterness if he decided to go home, but going back just for the sake of appeasing me. That's bullshit.
However, my bud begged me to wait for him. I am actually gearing up to go home, then the thought of what if he returned? what if he waited for me? what if I left him despite his plea, leaving him alone there? I never responded to his texts, but I told myself to wait... just in case.
And he did actually return. Feeling quite relieved, I stared at him the moment we saw each other. He was also staring back, obviously drunk and somewhat apologetic. Walking away, inakbayan ko siya, thanking him for his return. He then told me that his officemate was somewhat jealous, knowing that despite being a female, she remained a second priority for my bud.
--
We woke up this morning in a nearby motel, his arms wrapped around my body.
Instead of going home, we decided to reinforce our bonds by sleeping together in one bed.
As he curled beside me and grunted whenever I accidentally disturbed his sleep, I realized that this is the only time I deeply felt him compared to our previous popoys (sexy time) before. It was a blissful moment, being one and in harmony with the person you're specially bonded with. While he was dreaming in his sleep, I was daydreaming, hoping that he would still be the one I'll be hugging and kissing someday, when we have finally agreed to live under one roof.
We end up leaving the place early to avoid getting attention from other visitors. With a lack of sleep and a complete drain of energy, I have managed to accompany him to Monumento, making sure he'll be ok during his final jeepney trip before arriving home.
A smile discreetly appeared on my face, as I stared at the side mirror of the FX I was riding going home. Despite the drama and the near misses I took while clubbing alone, we ended up in each others' arms. We might have our shortcomings and immaturities, but what matters is that we have found a way to compromise in the name of our relationship.
Mission accomplished. I can now finally sleep.
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