The Last Temptation of Jomania

"Do not do unto others, what others do not want to do unto you."

- Anon

"For there are different reasons why men cannot marry: some because they were born that way; others, because men made them that way; and others do not marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven."

- Jesus Christ, Matthew 19:11

---

The sun was barely up when I left home this morning. The day-long gwapo sleep I had yesterday restored my energy to its normal levels. It was well known throughout the Twitter Community how grumpy my week was and I felt bad about it. Sleeplessness had taken its toll and there were even times when my usually calm and controlled attitude was overtaken by my violent and carnal tendencies. Fortunately, mind control was able to put me at a distance away from those careless enough to cross my path.

Guilt ridden, I headed towards my refuge in Katipunan. Maybe what I needed was a spiritual fix now that I am feeling an imbalance in my being. If I let my destructive inclinations take over me, I might lose my hard-earned peace. Much as I was hesitant to set sail towards my destination, it was my will that lead me there. Let fate have my redemption, what matters is that I tried.

I arrived at Santa Clara while a holy mass was going on. It isn't my desire to attend masses especially if I find the man standing on the pulpit too lousy to explain the words he proclaim. But my time was short and I had to bask myself in any spiritual bounty I would harvest from this morning's expedition.

I sat on the pew which most appealed to me.

Now the word "appeal" is subject to further scrutiny. In my case, the pew which is most desirable would not be the one closest to the priest. Instead, the most attractive spot for me would be the one next to the cutest guy in the church. I'm just human for Christ's sake. If I'm a straight guy, I would most likely sit beside the most gorgeous lady around.

So that was the case this morning. I found myself seating beside a fair-looking Narcissus who, for some reasons decided to attend the early morning mass. All throughout the service, I tried my best not to look at his direction. But how can I resist a demon-looking, late-twenties stud sitting beside me, especially when he doesn't make any effort to put some distance despite my attempts to pull back.

The Lord's Prayer has concluded and it was time for the Rite of Peace. It is the part where everyone exchanges a sign of peace with one another. On my part, it will be the climax of the tension which began to build up the moment I sat beside the lean-bodied Adonis. I would have to look at him in the eye, scan the contours of his elfish face and have a fill of his presence which I may never enjoy again. Sometimes, I would like to blame my repressive nature for harboring twisted thoughts. If I was as hedonistic as I used to be, his closeness would never create any sexual tension that I would soon suppress.

"Peace be with you..." he answered. His eyes expressed disinterest. Maybe, what I felt was nothing after all.

The Eucharist ended with our arms barely a few inches away from rubbing each other. I don't know if my slight wobbling throughout the mass drew me closer or it was the other way round. His gravity was too strong that the only way to repulse my attraction was for him to leave. As I was preparing to start my weekly habit, he stood up to get something from his bag. All along, I thought he was just arranging its contents before leaving the pew. To my surprise he took out a green booklet and knelt beside me.

He had his novena to match my rosary.

It was difficult to focus on the beads knowing that I was distracted by his actions. Was his decision to stay a sign of his intention to reach out? Was his novena as genuine as my rosary in connecting with the Source? I may never find out. For as we were praying next to each other, another guy sat beside me. The look in his eyes and the way he smiled meant something. Instincts revealed its malicious intent but since I was inside the house of the Almighty, I brushed my nature and welcomed his presence.

Halfway towards the end of my second mystery of light, the eye candy to my left made a sign of the cross to conclude his novena. Meanwhile, the guy to my right wiggled closer putting me in a defensive position. He was invading my space so I had to turn my head and check what he was doing. Once again, he smiled at me.

As I was about to return to my meditation, he tried to break the ice by engaging me in a conversation.

"Excuse me..." He said pa-cutely.

"Ano yun dude?" I responded with slight disturbance.

"Favor naman... baka puwede mo akong ipag-pray." Now he was trying to be cute.

"Para saan?" I answered back, annoyed.

"Enlightenment."

Fine. Someone wanted a pray-over session. Had I known it would be used on me, I should have said the same lines to get the hunky Narcissus' attention earlier. I wouldn't mind praying for someone's soul. My only confusion was the person who solicited my prayers was inside the church. He could pray for himself and the almighty would still listen.

Confused with his favor, I said yes to his intercessions. He left the pew soon after and being guilty of my snooty attitude, I prayed for him. However, my troubles this morning has just begun. Barely into my fifth mystery of light, he showed up again with the sheer intention of pestering my moment of bliss.

"Seminarian ka ba?"

"Hindi... Siyanga pala, pinagdasal na kita." His face suddenly glowed after granting his favor.

"Teacher nga pala ako, etc. etc." Impressions tell that he is a man of faith. His introductions only made me wonder why he needed my prayers when his religious affiliations gave him a stronger connection to the almighty.

"So bakit ka nandito? Are you a brother, may community ka ba, order, etc."

"I'm just a normal person who happens to pray." Once again, his lousy attempts to communicate drove me ballistic.

"Wow. Pinahanga mo naman ako, bihira lang ako maka-meet ng totoong lalaki na nagdadasal." Gotcha, my instincts did not fool me this time. His unnecessary complements only triggered me to put thick walls between us.

"Dude, I'm praying. Can we just talk after I'm done." He got back to his senses, he quietly retreated from his assaults.

I do not know if he was trying to be very friendly but his careless actions would have got him a blow right on his face. You see, one thing that makes me really, really furious is when a stranger touches my things without my permission. As I calmly utter the last of the Hail Mary's, his hand snatched the Bible that I read at the start of every mystery. If not for my sacred promise to be a little less snooty this week, he could have raised hell at a moment's notice. Arming myself with infinite patience, I overlooked his transgression and focused on my prayers instead.

My prayers were drawing to a close and at the back of my head, I had an idea what would happen next. Much as I try to avoid hurting his feelings, compromises had to be made. It wasn't his fault that my appearance caught his interest. It's like the tables were overturned on me, had I've been more aggressive in pursuing the eye candy. Uttering my final prayers, I finally felt the spiritual link that I sought all morning.

"Lord I know that I'd be committing a lie if this guy continues to annoy me. I know he will so I hope you would understand if I would appear too aloof to accommodate his presence. Jesus Christ, upon reading the passages in the Bible had his snooty moments too. I will keep in mind not to be too harsh on him, and I pray that my actions would be forgiven, no matter how self-serving they are."

I made a sign of the cross, which was the same sign the pursuer was waiting all this time.

---

"So puwede ka ba maging friend?"

"Ayos lang. Yun lang naman pala eh." I said somewhat sarcastically.

"So bakit kailangan mo ng enlightenment samantalang mas malapit ka sa Diyos kesa sa akin."

"Wala lang, medyo naliligaw lang ako ng landas paminsan-minsan. Alam mo na, gusto kong maging straight ang buhay ko."

"Kaya nga tayo pumupunta sa simbahan para magkaroon ng kapayapaan diba?"

"Alam ko naman yun eh... Wala lang."

"So anong maipaglilingkod ko sa iyo dude?" I finally decided to cut the chase.

"Puwede ba makuha ang number mo?"

"Wala akong cellphone pare eh."

"Ganun ba? So paano kita makikita?"

"Tiyempuhan mo ulit ako dito."

Before we left the premises, he finally spoke about his sexuality. He confessed that he fell in love with men and women in different phases of his life. I rolled my eyes in anticipation for his final spiel.

"Ikaw ba, ayos lang sa iyo ang ganun?"

"Hindi ako nanghuhusga ng kapwa tao. Kung saan sila masaya edi okay lang sa akin." If he only knew, I was rooting for the guy who sat beside me before he showed up.

"Eh paano kung gusto kitang maging kaibigan, o kaya mahalin ka, papayag ka ba nun?" His remarks were flattering really, but I'm simply not into him. His lousy approach had already put me off.

"Pasensya na pero hindi ako pumapatol pare." Apologies for betraying the rainbow code. Even straight-acting guys like me have to turn our backs if it calls for self-preservation.

"Sana hindi yan ang rason kaya gusto mo akong maging kaibigan..."

He still insisted in getting my number while waiting for an FX to pass by the road. All his attempts were met with stiff resistance. Though I cannot deny that I underestimated his persistence, I was profoundly impressed by his gall to cross lines I would never dare step my feet on. Blame it on my pride, or some made-up situations where such attempts would surely end in humiliation. Point it on past rejections I never got over with, but no, I would not subject myself to such troubles especially now that I can easily send my fleet to any seas I am invited.

An FX bound for Cubao emerged from a corner barely after we arrived. Much as I would like to give him the pleasure to harass me for the last time, I had to go and head for work. Raising my right hand to hail the incoming vehicle, I bid my goodbye to the gentleman beside me. "It was a lesson learned," I told myself. "Had I followed his lead and did the same thing to the guy I came across shortly before he came, I would end up making a fool out of myself."

The almighty spoke to me this morning. The house of heavenly worship cannot afford to have a garden of earthly delights.

The Buff Daddy Slips Ipanema

When the fashion bloggers claimed that it felt like slipping your feet on a thin slice of butter, I didn't take their word for it. I thought someone was just making a huge fuss about the flops for it to gain some attention.

But lo and behold! When I slipped my Ipanema Anatomica flops this afternoon for my work out

It felt like the soles of my feet are padded with White Rabbit chewable candy.

I don't know if you have chewed one, but to give you an idea, A white rabbit candy bar is soft, easy to chew (it's better that Tootsie Roll) and its buttery, creamy aftertaste will linger on long after the candy has melted in your mouth. In this case, it was my feet that felt that way.

So there. My experience with flip flops has come full circle.

Come the beach days, I will have my Ipanema to brag to everyone.

Sorry na lang sa mga Havs at Crocs nila.

---

photoshoot location: Eclipse Gym, Shaw Boulevard
model-modelan: Mugen

Instaboylet

"Pare puwede ka ba makausap?"

The tone of his text message revealed a sense of urgency. Instead of responding with another text message, I immediately called his number to get into the heart of his distress call.

His name is Zoey, a straight tropa back from college. We may not see each other regularly but in times of trouble, I usually get the first SOS message. So I knew how to act and this time my hunches were correct.

"Na trouble ako dude, may kilala ka kayang nagpapa-room for rent?"

It didn't take long for me to figure out his story. Apparently, his life is under threat from elements he has no idea. His hassles began after a series of affairs with women of acquaintance last week. Being a marketable bachelor, it wasn't hard for him to get the attention of the ladies he wanted.

I would have referred him to a friend who might know someone who offers his space for rent but the tone of his voice required a delicate maneuvering. We have been this way since college. When thing get beyond his control, it was me who often takes the burden away from him.

Realizing that he needed a company, I offered my place as a sanctuary. It would be like the old days again except this time,

He knows I am not straight.

---

Afternoon came and our updates became increasingly recurrent like how lovers send text messages to one another. Maybe I was exaggerating our digital exchanges for I was feeling a little mushy at that time. Who wouldn't be, I was blissfully having a stroll around the tree-lined roads of Diliman as tracks after tracks of Alternative Music played on my iPod. Sun rays peaked through the canopy of trees giving the surroundings a portrait of a perfect sunset. Sweaty joggers passed by but my mind was elsewhere. I was painting a scene of two male lovers exchanging vows of companionship under the clear blue sky.

The daydream would have went on if not for Zoey's request to pick him up in his office somewhere in Roxas Boulevard.

And so I left the serene landscape of my university to wade through the chaotic streets of Manila. An hour later, I found myself in Zoey's lobby waiting for him to leave his cubicle. He showed up 15 minutes later visibly distraught at how his charms backfired on him.

---

"Ikaw kasi eh, dami mong tsiks." I jested to the visibly annoyed casanova.

The journey going home was uneventful. There were no car chases or hooded men on bikes following our cab. My companion would call a family member or two to inform them of his whereabouts. He was visibly exhausted after days of sleeplessness. We proceeded directly to my room when we arrived home. There were no awkward introductions to housemates because I was assured that I brought home someone my mother knew way back from long ago.

It was like the old times again.

Zoey was the first guy I met in college. I remember our first introductions beside the stairs while waiting for our class to start. He was my platoon mate in ROTC so there were times he slept over at my place especially when we were needed to report in the field at 6 in the morning. There was even a time he was my Valentines Date after our dates ditched us that morning. We watched a movie together in Megamall and ate lunch in one of the restaurants at the ground floor. Despite the good times, our friendship was never an ideal one. We drifted apart sometime in our sophomore year after a brief confrontation about the reality of our friendship. He wasn't used to being looked after especially by a guy who is far taller than him. I had long suspected that our unbreakable bond fed the imagination of everyone and he was being pressured to push me away lest he might be seen as someone tripping over the homo line. I pulled back after that confrontation and found someone who appreciated my devotion as a tropa.

However it was us who drifted apart after third year and Zoey continued to linger on even beyond our university years.

He changed into his sleeping attire when we entered my room. There were no conversations after we lied on the bed for I already sounded the alarm as a precaution for a possible assault. We never had histories of being intimate but knowing how I respond to provocations, a slightest hint even from a long-time tropa like him will be met in kind. I cannot deny that he perfectly fits the profile of guys I flirt in Malate and what held me at bay was my no-first strike policy in any intimate matters with men.

Zoey fell asleep immediately after placing his head on one of my pillows.

---

The night was a fairy tale which allowed us to live a life like we had a decade ago.

I woke up Zoey at past ten thirty to have our dinner. In our younger days, we would eat at the same time after exhausting our senses playing Need For Speed or Worms Armageddon the whole evening. That night, the maid prepared Pork Adobo and Hard Boiled Eggs for our supper. Mom was watching her favorite telenovela in the sala so they were able to update each others lives while the table was being set for our hapunan. After dinner has ended, we went out to get some fresh air. The truth was, we just wanted to puff a stick of cigarette and have a little bonding time for ourselves. It didn't take long and we're back again in my room. He checked some emails and viewed the Friendster accounts of his ladies before returning to my bed.

Tired and exhausted from my bouts with insomnia the nights before, I only ensured his comfortable return to dreamland before I followed suit.

It's been six years since I outed myself during a drinking session with him. I was happily taken and I felt compelled spilling the beans when he told me his romantic endeavors with girls. He was the first straight guy to know my new-found life and the acceptance wasn't easy; it was a slow and cumbersome process.

Through the years of sticking together, he learned to see me the way he did back in college. I returned the favor by acting as straight as possible when he is around. However, recalling how he nearly provoked me the last time we were left alone in his place, letting him sleep beside me was a huge risk. I didn't even know if it was premeditated or he was ready for anything knowing how two single men of the same wavelength but opposite polarity almost always find themselves in the battlefield called bed.

But control prevailed that night. I have to or I may never be able to stand my ground again. The inconvenience wasn't easy. For someone who barely wears anything in his sleep, I had to put two boxers on and a white rugged sando to cover my muscular body. I even had to wrap myself in a blanket all night and put a veritable distance between us to ensure that no moment of hostility could ever exist as we slept. For the first time in many years, I was able to lie down beside another guy without any incident to ponder after waking up the following morning.

The exercise of control was liberating. It was like turning my back from all the years where lust held sway over my man-to-man affairs.

---

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Umaga na. Subalit anumang pilit ko bumalik sa pagtulog, sadyang pinigil ako ng insomnia para mahimbing muli.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Gising na parekoy. May pasok ka pa sa trabaho.

"Five minutes" ang mahina niyang sagot sa akin.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Pati ang alarm clock ng cellphone ko ay nakiisa na rin sa dalawa niyang alarm clock. Magulang ako, pati sarili kong body clock ay dinadaya ko upang mapahaba lang ang mga oras na gising ako. Nagdesisyon akong mag-gym ng alas-sais ng umaga.

Bumangon siya matapos ang sampung minuto upang maligo. Ako naman ay nag-ayos ng kama at nagbihis habang nag-iintay sa kanyang pagbabalik. Matapos maligo, ako naman ang bumaba upang magsipilyo at maghilamos. Umaga na nga... oras na para bumalik sa aming kanya-kanyang mundo.

Lumabas kami ng bahay na magkasabay. Siya ay naka-slacks at barong tagalog. Ako naman ay naka-fitted shirt at maluwag na pantalon. Ang layo ng ayos naming dalawa kahit na iisa lang kami ng pinanggalingan. Hinatid ko siya sa sakayan. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay nakapara ito ng taxi.

Papasikat na ang araw. Ang mga pupils mula sa isang elementary school malapit sa amin ay nagmamadali na makatawid ng kalsada. Sa mga oras na iyon ay naiwan akong nakatayo, mga mata'y sinusundan ang papalayo niyang sasakyan.

Hindi ko man lubusang aaminin ngunit ng mga oras na iyon - mula nang kami'y nagising sa iisang higaan hanggang sa pagsabay naming lumabas ng bahay at mag-abang ng masasakyan sa daan, isa lang ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

It's like all over again.

Para akong biglang nagkaroon ng kabiyak,

kahit ito'y isang pang- magdamagan lamang.

Ringworld | Putomaya

Imagination sets the stage for this blog to exist. I compare the journey to a colony ship sailing the space between stars to carry the seeds of expression to a distant world. The planet landing was my first entry. It may appear more like a writing exercise but the free-flow of thoughts was a liberating experience. The earliest blog entries spoke about friendship. It was the Odders. Though I may appear more of a wallflower in our little gatherings, I was their chronicler. Many years later, when everyone else in the group closed down their blogs, it was through me that our memories gained immortality. I began as a follower of a bandwagon. I ended up challenging time to scrutinize my work.

Many would ask why I do I write. What happiness do I gain in keeping histories even if it takes two to four hours to weave a story. Answers reveal ambiguity. There is no true reason for writing. I just enjoy it. The blog owes it existence to the constant downplay of my potentials. I look down on my words and styles so that I may be challenged to change it. I break down walls to see a bigger life beyond my sexuality. I took great pains to evolve and pretend that nobody ever reads me. I even turn down my stirrings of publishing a book, so that the blog itself would continue to live on because of my struggles.

And so the blog thrives six years after its stellar glimmer first caught attention in this part of space.

As some bloggers contemplate on closing down their online realms, (for one reason or another) while others turn them into a money-generating machine (with their contents becoming less and less engaging) I continue to adhere to expression and creativity. It must be the reason why I gain followers even if I don't usually leave my presence when reading other blogs. It's been a long journey I tell you. Even my words have changed after years and years of persistent writing.

But I guess there is no stopping. So long as there is a story worth sharing and so long as there is someone out there who longs to write their stories - to express themselves in wind whispers, - then I will continue to serve and become a motivator for these people to write.

For the goal of writing is not really to impress, or gain monetary rewards or being read by people. Such rewards come with time, humility and maturity. Writing is an artistic creation worthy of permanence. It is a method of expression that liberates the soul. It doesn't matter if words are flawed or other writers seem so mighty, that one feels they should never take their place. I've been to gatherings where rubbing elbows with prominent bloggers is unavoidable. I exchange pleasantries with dot.com masters and online demi-gods with a sense of insecurity and awkwardness at the back of my head.

Funny how I see myself as someone small even if the blog reveals having 76 followers (which I religiously follow and read in between my writing breaks)

It's because no matter where I find myself and no matter how many recognitions and complements I receive because of Mugenblog, I always look back at the first entry and remember how such simple act of posting juvenile thoughts online would actually lead to planet -wide reverberations.

Thank you for reading.

"This is the first time I'll be posting in my blog. Phew, it was a very long time since I did this journal thing. Maybe its time to move on... everybody's doing it so why can't I?

I can't remember who said it but when a friend posted at the Yahoo Groups that my friends would get bored posting their thoughts at the online message board, a sudden bite of reality caught me. Everybody's migrating already and I guess it's also time for me to go. No matter what assurance I get from them, I think that the exodus bound to happen. I dunno but the migration thing really got me.

I was quite shocked with what happened to Henry lately. I never thought his buddy would play tricks behind his back. Sabagay, in this kind of life, those things are most likely to happen. The thing is, no matter how I deny it, there's something in me that's kinda worried with what his bud has done to him. Parang naiisip ko what if my bud did those things to me. Shempre, I would become helpless. Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na I will move on and return to being a fucker mode, it would definitely destroy everything that I've built for the past 10 months. Sana totoo ngang seryoso ang bud ko sa akin. I'm already looking forward in sharing a future with him and I hope he'll never fuck the chance to enjoy a life with me.

Anyway that's all for now. I have to prepare for the contingent this evening. Maybe I'll post back again proximus. It's nice to see you back."

Colony Ship Landed
February 24, 2004

Encantadia (Final Act)

Pasado alas kuwatro ng madaling araw nang maisipan kong maglakad-lakad mag-isa sa paligid ng resort. Pagising na ang ibang mga tauhan ng Encantadia samantalang ang iba naman ay naghahabol pa lang ng tulog noong umalis ako ng aming cottage. Si Ewok, na buong magdamag nakipaglandian kay Tsupaeng ay napagod rin at nakatulog. Bakas ang ngiti sa kanyang mukha matapos itong makatanggap ng sampung halik sa kanyang labi mula sa aming bagong iniidolo. Si Bloiggster ay bagsak pa rin at naghihilik sa isang tabi. Mukha yatang siya ang salarin kaya madaling naubos ang dala naming Jose Cuervo na halos hindi man lang napatakan ang aking lalamunan. Ang Santa, na sa tuwing nakikita ko ay nakangiti habang nanonood ng mga asaran sa kanyang paligi ay mapayapa na ring natutulog sa isang gilid. Katapat niya ng higaan si Pedok na naging kasentihan nito at kasama buong magdamag.

Gising na si Dabo. Anumang pilit hikayatin na matulog ito'y nagpumilit pa ring bumangon ang binata upang makinig sa kuwentuhan ng matatanda. Pati ang kumot na gagamitin ko sana sakaling antukin ay nakabalabal na sa kanyang balingkinitang katawan. Malamok ang paligid at hangad ko ang matiwasay na pagpapahinga ng aking besprend. Upang huwag dalawin ng antok matapos ang halos dalawang araw na walang tulog ay napagpasiyahan kong idaan sa paglangoy ang aking pagkagising. Sinamahan naman ako ni Tsupaeng na kahit higit ang lapad ng katawan sa akin ay di hamak na mas mabilis itong tumawid at makagawa ng laps sa pool.

Bago magsimulang makipagkuwentuhan si Dabo at bago bumalik ang Pinuno kasama si Luna Mystika na binantayan niyang umidlip sa isa sa mga cottages malapit sa volleyball court ay si Tsupaeng muna ang bumangka ng aming kuwentuhan. Marami siyang nasabi tungkol sa kanyang buhay at sa kauna-unahang pagkakataon ay nalinawan ako sa isang katotohanan ng pagiging PLU na marahil ay kailangan ko ulit tandaan.

Kung pagmamasdan mo ang aming kaibigan sa unang pagkikita, masasambit ang mga salitang "Ok lang" bilang first impression. Sabagay, tahimik kasi siya na may pagkaburaot at medyo maangas rin tingnan kaya nakakahiyang lapitan. Sa pisikal na kaanyuan naman ay masasabi mong pang "Chub Chaser" ang appeal niya - malaki, barako at tipong nambabalibag sa kanto, o sa kama alin man ang mauna sa dalawa. Kumbaga ay may special market ito na ni mismong ako ay hindi uubra. Sa kabila ng kanyang mga limitasyon, isang alamat ang kanyang husay sa pagkuha ng atensyon ng isang lalaki. Ito mismo ay nasaksihan ng aming Pinuno nang una siyang magpakita sa Encantadia.

"Nasa attitude lang yan mga tsong," pagmamayabang ni Tasya Pantasya.

"Ayokong magbuhat ng bangko pero maniwala man kayo o sa hindi, minsan ay nakakatanggap ako ng Orange Juice kapag tumatambay sa coffee shop." Gusto ko sana mag-walk out sa kanyang kuwento hindi dahil tingin ko ay istir ang kanyang mga sinasabi kung hindi dahil ay ni minsan ay wala pang nag-offer sa akin noon.

"So anong ginawa mo nung binigyan ka ng juice?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

"Sinabihan ko yung waiter na yung nagbigay mismo ang mag-abot sa akin," paangas niyang sagot. "Nung dumating yung lalaki, tinanong ko siya, 'Para saan ito?' Ang sagot ng lalaki sa akin ay 'Wala lang."

Sa totoo ay wala akong alam sa mga ganung diskarte na nangyayari sa aking mundo. Ilang beses man ako bigyan ng tips ni Kuya Tripper, subalit sa tuwing napapasok ako sa mga eksenang gaya kay Tsupaeng ay kaagad rin akong tumutupi. Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawang pang-iiwan sa isang binata na buong biyahe kong kakiskisan ng binti papuntang Megamall. Ganun din sa sangkaterbang mga pagkakataon kung saan nakahanap sana ako ng aksyon subalit mas pinili ko ang maduwag sa halip na maka-iskor.

Patuloy na nagkuwento ang Tsupaeng. Ngayon naman ay tungkol sa kanyang naunsiyaming lovelife ang istorya. Sabi niya ay limang taon ang tinagal ng huli niyang relasyon. Ang relasyon nila ay monogamous at di miminsang sila ay nag live-in ng kanyang kabiyak. Natapos lamang ito nang mapagpasiyahan ng kanyang unang lover na mangibang-bansa upang kumita ng mas malaking salapi.

"Hindi kasi ako naniniwala sa long-distance relationship eh." Paliwanag niya sa amin.

Sa lahat ng kanyang kinuwento, pinakamalaking katanungan pa rin kung paano naikama ng aming kaibigan ang isang binatang tinuturing na guwaping ng lahat ng nakasaksi. Maari ko sanang isa-alangalang ang subjectivity ng pagiging may itsura, subalit ang katotohanan ay patuloy na sumasampal sa aking mukha.

"Going back to my first answer, its all about the attitude."

"Hindi lahat ng katulad natin ay dominante kagaya ko. Mayroong ibang nagpapadominante at ang iba naman ay naghahanap ng daddy o kaya ay kuya material na magsesecure sa tuwing sila ay nangungulila."

Magpapatuloy pa sana ang kanyang pagpapaliwanag nang bigla itong tumingin sa direksyon ng kinahihigaan ni Bloiggster. Mukha yatang naalimpungatan ang aming El Tumbador. Dahil dito ay tuluyang naputol ang aming kuwentuhan.

"Patay na!" Bulong ko sa aking sarili.

Iyon ay dahil nasa kanyang mukha ang ebidensya ng aming kapraningnang ginawa habang siya ay natutulog. Ang kanyang pisngi ay may linya ng uling habang sa kanyang dibdib naman ay naroon pa rin ang bulaklak na aking inalay habang lahat kami ay kinukunan siya ng litrato.

Ang mga natirang gising ay yumuko at napatahimik. Guilty ang mga tiga Encantadia. Subalit ang Tsupaeng na siyang aming bangkero ay tahimik na tumayo, pumunta kung saan naroon ang kanyang bag upang kumuha ng pamunas at niyakap ang Bloiggster na buong akala namin ay umiiyak matapos madiskubre ang pang-aalipusta sa kanyang pagkatao. Dahan-dahang dinampi ni Tasya Pantasya ang isang malinis na T-shirt sa mukha ng bagong gising at pinakalma ito sa pamamagitan ng pakikipagusap dito. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay muling nahiga ang Bloiggster, marahil ay walang alam sa mga pangyayari ng madaling araw na iyon.

Nainggit ako sa pinakitang pag-aalaga ni Tasya Pantasya. Pagkabalik niya sa aming puwesto ay kasunod nito ang aking pagtayo upang puntahan ang tulugan ng aking besprend. Nais kong siguruhin na secured ang mga monoblock na pinangharang ko upang huwag siyang malaglag sa kanyang kinahihigaan.

Naghihilik pa rin ang mokong nang akin itong iwanan.

---

Habang pinagmamasdan ang mapayapang kadilimang bumabalot sa Laguna De Bay at ang mga ilaw na kumukuti-kutitap mula sa libo-libong mga bahay at gusaling nakapaligid dito, unti-unti kong binalikan ang mga kaganapan sa loob ng isang magdamag na bumuo ng ang aming istorya. Maginaw ang paligid at habang nakapasak sa dalawang tenga ang earphones kung saan nakiki-ayon ang chill-out sounds na aking pinapakinggan sa tibok ng aking puso, nalinawan ako na ang lakad na ito ay hindi lang basta outing ng Encantadia.

Ito ang simula ng mga pagsasama na aming paulit-ulit na babalikan sa mga panahong hahamunin ng tadhana ang aming barkadahan.

Bumaba kami ng bundok kinaumagahan na iba na ang turing sa mga dumalo sa Swimming Party.

Ang isa ay nakahanap ng mga bagong kaibigan matapos siyang lisanin ng kanyang besprend at ipagpalit sa iba. Inaasam ko ang kanyang kapayapaan sa Encantadia.

Ang isa naman ay tuluyan ng nagbalik-loob sa Pinuno. Dalawang taon man siyang nagsarili ay buong lugod pa rin siyang tinanggap ng Diyosa sa kaharian nito.

Ang isa ay nanindigang ipagtatanggol ang Encantadia sa abot ng kanyang magagawa. Nararamdaman kong ang kanyang pagdating ay magbibigay kasiyahan sa mga bago't lumang miyembro ng grupo. Marami rin kaming matututunan sa kanyang mga karanasan.

Ang isa ay nakipag-ayos sa isang miyembro matapos may mangyaring pisikal sa kanilang dalawa sa malayong lugar. Hindi ko tiyak kung ang pagmamabutihan nilang dalawa ay permanente o simula ng pagdistansya sa isa't isa.

Ang isa ay bumabang may bubog ang puso. Nalaman niya kasi na sa kabila ng pagiging bato nito, marunong pa rin itong tumibok para sa isang tao.

Samantalang ang isa naman ay nakahanap ng bagong pag-asa mula sa pag-ibig na buong akala ng lahat ay nagkaroon na ng tuldok. Marahil siya ang isa sa pinakamasayang bumaba ng bundok nang umagang iyon.

Sa lahat ng umuwi kinaumagahan, kung tatanungin mo ako kung sino sa kanila ang talagang may bitbit na pasalubong pauwi. Ito silang dalawa:

Nagsimula ang kanilang pag-uusap ilang araw bago ang swimming party.

Naging malalim ang kanilang pagkilala sa isa't isa sa tabi ng swimming pool.

Nabuo ang kanilang pag-ibig eksaktong isang araw matapos lumabas ang litratong ito.

Encantadia (Act Two)

Dumating kami sa resort na pagod at walang laman ang sikmura. Maliban sa kornik na binuksan ni Dabo habang iniintay ang pagdating ni Bloiggster sa Shopwise Antipolo, ang huling kain ko ay alas 9 pa ng umaga.

Hindi nakapagtataka na habang binabagtas namin ang pabulusok na hagdan patungo sa aming cottege ay hindi ako makausap ng matino ninuman. Bukod kasi sa mabigat ang buhat-buhat kong mga galon ng mineral water ay nanginginig na rin ako sa gutom.

Kung inyong tatanungin, bakit hinayaan kong maging ganun ang aking kundisyon. Ang sagot: katakawan. Alam kong sa oras na magkalaman ang tiyan ko - maging ito'y sa pamamagitan ng paglamon ng isang mamon ay tiyak, panghihinaan akong kumain pagdating ng hapunan. Sayang naman ang mga pagkaing dinala ng mga kasama ko.

Ang aming cottege ay malapit sa swimming pool. Sa hindi malamang dahilan ay mukhang sadyang pinili ng organizer ang spot kung saan katapat lang namin ang men's shower room. Kayo na ang bahala mag-interpret ng mga bagay-bagay, pero isang dahilan kung bakit nabusog ang mga mata ko noong gabing iyon ay dahil sa dami ng eye-candy na aking nakita.

Mabilis pa sa alas kuwatro na naihanda ang mga pagkain sa lamesa. Naroon ang balde-baldeng kanin, adobong baboy, pansit bihon, lumpiang shanghai, ginisang hipon at pati na rin ang custard cake na sadyang bi-nake pa ni Pedok para sa okasyon. Lingid sa kaalaman ng marami ay matagal ko nang kilala si Pedok, subalit dahil nabibilang kami sa magkaibang paksyon sa loob ng isang grupo, ito marahil ang pangalawang beses na nagkasama kami sa iisang lamesa matapos ang unang pagkikita namin sa Tagaytay.

Malalim na ang gabi kaya't kaagad rin kaming lumusong sa pool upang walang masayang na oras sa aming paglagi. Dahil nasa tuktok ng bundok ang aming resort, tiyak na pamatay ang tubig sa lamig nito. Si Dabo ang may sala kung bakit napalangoy ako kahit nagpapahinga pa ang iba naming mga kasama. Mukha yatang pangarap niyang mabansagang sirena sa mundo ng aming munting Encantadia.

Nakailang laps rin ako bago sumunod sina Darwin at Lukayo. Hindi ako nagkamali, parehong swimmer ang dalawa. Matapos pa ang ilang minuto ay nakisali na rin si Pinuno at ang kanyang kasamang si Luna Mystika na mukhang kapatid ni Sirena. Halatang hindi sanay sa lamig si Luna Mystika kaya't tinuruan ko pa itong ilubog ang kanyang buong katawan upang ito ay masanay sa tubig.

Ang sarap sana makipagharutan sa mga kasama namin. Ang sirena ay ready na makipag-arm wrestling subalit walang may gusto sapagkat lahat sila ay nasa iba't ibang sulok ng pool. Ang Prinsesa at Lukayo ay dagling umahon at naupo sa gilid nang magtagpo sila sa malalim na bahagi ng swimming pool. Maaring hindi nila pansin subalit lahat ng mata ay nakatutok sa kanilang dalawa.

---

Nagsimulang maglakbay ang Jose Cuervo at yung Vodka paikot ng lamesa. Ang Tanggero ay si Tasya Pantasya. Si Tasya Pantasya ay isang malaking lalaki na mas mapapagkamalan bouncer sa Palawan Bar sa halip na isang Call Center Executive sa Makati. Sabi nila ay nagbebenta daw siya ng mga Tulips sa mga Amerikano galing Netherlands. Paborito rin daw niya manghimas ng tiyan ng lalaki kaya't hilig niya ang mga chubby.

Si Tasya Pantasya (o si Tsupaeng sa entry ni Dabo) ay higit na kilala bilang isang expertong karinyoso ng mga lalaki. Nang siya ay unang magpakita kina Pinuno sa resthouse nina Pedok, bali-balita na naka-iskor daw siya doon sa artistahin nilang kainuman. Kahit si Darwin na maituturing na pinaka-gwaping sa Encantadia ay butata sa pinakitang galing ni Tasya Pantasya. Simula noon, lagi siyang inaasar na kaya lang niya nakuha ang binatilyo ay dahil pinakitaan ito ng limpak-limpak na mga credit cards.

Noong gabing kami'y nagkasama sa tagayan nakita ko siyang kaharutan si Ewok.

---

If there is something I learned about the new batch of guys joining our group, it is that you will feel their loyalty to Centurion/FireFox. From being challenged and later abandoned during our first run, he is now the undisputed leader of a very active thread in Guys4Men. He can block anyone who crosses his path, and can walk in places assured of an entourage behind his back. Things have indeed changed and as his long-time companion in the world of PLU cyberspace, I am happy that he finally found his place.

It was already 2 am. The biggest casualty during our liquor run was Bloiggster. Darwin fell as well. Good thing, there was a willing lap to catch his head. As Dabo slept in one corner and Luna Mystika was being looked after by Pinuno somewhere in the cottages downstairs, I realized that I was in an unfamiliar company. Good thing Tsupaeng was a great host and a master entertainer.

His stories would later change my way of seeing things.


El Tumbador.

-tobecontinued-

Encantadia (Act One)

Ask me not where they got the name, but the group has been expanding since Pinuno created a new thread late last year.

This new expansion brought new faces. Some were interesting, while many would just come and leave when their intentions did not mix well with the aims of the group. In PLU Group Dynamics, the biggest threat to any Barkadahan is the Kariran. The Outsiders had to leave PEx behind when we felt that the group was being ripped apart by newcomers, who often ended up being an eye-candy or the cannon-fodder of some older members. The Alliance remains a small and informal community of PLU bloggers. Whatever turbulence we have as a group remains isolated and easy to overlook with each successful reunion. Meanwhile, the core of the Tripper's Clan immediately realized how convenient it is to manage a tight and very exclusive clique to further its aims. It may not have the ancient brotherhood of the Outsiders, or the loose bond of the Alliance, but you can see in the eyes of each member how every group activity leaves them looking forward for the coming one.

The dynamics of Encantadia is very different. It began as a kariran group during its earliest reincarnation. Its first grand eyeball triggered a split between the core and what kept it steady through the fractious months was its regular Tagayan sessions in Quatro and DB Bar. Those who stayed behind waded through the division by recruiting new members until the core had its complete reunification last December. As for the new members, many of them have moved on for one reason or another. Those who faithfully remained were the first comers - the ones who witnessed my arrival in the thread after first meeting the Diwata two years ago.

The continuous movement of people made me cynic about how the group runs these days. The rookies I met last January were no more. In their places were the ones the core had an inuman a few weeks ago. Since my absence prevented me from meeting these guys last time, (for I was in another social function that night) I decided to remain distant until the new ones were able to blend with the group. It was my stand even when it was Darwin who put up a swimming party for Encantadia. Had it not for my bigger objectives I set early this month, my presence during the welcome inuman for Bloiggster when his plane landed from Cebu last Friday would already suffice.

However, I realized the importance of this event after some deep reflections. First is that it was a Despedida get-together for a friend who is leaving abroad. Our relationship may not be close, but he is one of the core members of the group. Second is that Darwin rarely organize activities for Encantadia. To put down his passion without any consideration is something I may regret in the days to come. Finally, two invited guys only agreed to show up if I would come as well. Though they may do so in their own accord, still it would be easier to convince their presence if I throw my hat in support.

So I said yes to the swimming party even if I would lose a week's clubbing moment in Malate.

---

My shift was over by 5 pm. The two other guys invited were Dabo and Lukayo. We all agreed to meet at the Alliance Headquarters, which is a ride away from the office. Barely slept and barely eaten, it was certain that I would most likely power down even before the inuman starts later that night.

We left an hour later to rendezvous with the rest of the gang in Cubao. Uncertain of the provisions brought by Darwin's group, we decided to procure our own supplies. Lukayo parked his car in front of KFC and then we went to Shopwise to buy bottles of mineral water and chips in case we run out of food at the resort.

It was already past 7 in the evening when everyone showed up. It would be a long trip going to Antipolo so we left even without getting introduced to the others who arrived.

---

Masaya sa loob ng kotse ni Lukayo. Palibhasa ay medyo sanay na akong makasama silang dalawa ni Dabo sa lakaran kaya't chill ako na kasabay sila. Habang papunta sa Cubao ay nagsosound trip pa nga kami gamit ang Ipod ko. Evolution ng House Music ang subject ng aming kuwentuhan. Tinuro ko sa kanilang dalawa ang signature sounds ng bawat clubs na pinasukan ko at kung ano ang signs ng isang clubber na PLU.

Habang paakyat ng Antipolo ay sa amin nakisabay si Pinuno at ang kanyang kasamang si Misteryoso. Si Misteryoso ay tila parang nakababatang kapatid ni Dabo dahil sa kulay ng kanilang balat, built ng kanilang katawan at hawig nila sa mukha. Buong gabi nga namin silang inasar dalawa, lalo na nung magkasabay nilang pinagpiyestahan ang inihaw na Bangus sa lamesa. Malayo ang biyahe at halatang ramdam na ng driver ang gutom at pagod. Bilang pakisama ay hindi ako kumain o kaya naman ay umidlip habang hindi kami nakakarating sa aming patutunguhan. Madalas ay sabay rin kami magyosi dahil alam kong yun na lang ang nagpapalamig ng kanyang ulo.

Maraming pasikot-sikot ang ginawa namin sa Antipolo. Convoy kami kaya't medyo mabagal ang ahon paakyat ng bundok. Bago makarating ng simbahan ay nadaanan namin ang ledge kung saan nakipagsentihan ako sa isang kaibigan sa entry na Ridge Racer. Sariwa pa rin sa aking alaala ang gabing iyon.

Makipot ang daan sa bayan kaya't medyo nagkaligaw-ligaw pa kami bago makuha ang aming kakaining hapunan. Mabuti at naroon si Bloigg upang magsilbing aming navigator. Kumaliwa kami sa isang kalsada hindi malayo sa crossing patungong Tanay at Taytay. Madilim ang daan at tila walang mga sasakyang dumaraan dito. Nakita namin ang billboard pagkarating namin sa dulo. Loreland Farm Resort ang kanyang pangalan.

Pasado alas-nuwebe na.
Pagod ang lahat ng tao
at si Lukayo ay mukhang mainit na ang ulo.


Si Pinuno at ang kanyang Sayoteng lobo



- tobecontinued-

Body Clock

Kapag inutos ng katawan ang matulog ng hatinggabi,
wala kang magagawa kundi ang sumunod dito.
At kapag ginising ka ng utak ng alas kwatro ng madaling araw,
sorry na lang kahit anung lalim ng hilik mo .

Magpapagulong-gulong ngunit ayaw dalawin ng antok.
Ipipikit ang mga mata subalit patuloy pa ring gising ang diwa.
Bubuksan ang TV at hahayain itong nasa balita. Subalit
kapag breaking news na ang pinapakita, susubaybayan mo pa rin ito.

Magmomojacko ngunit kahit dalawang putukan, ayaw pa rin dapuan ng antok.
Magtatalukbong ngunit makulay ang imahinasyon sa ilalim ng kumot.
Mag-iisip ng mga kabaliwan,
Mangangarap ng mga pangyayaring imposible maganap,
Makakaalala ng mga taong iniwan,
Magtwi-twitter gamit ang cellphone,
Magpapantasya ng panibagong pag-ibig,
Mangyayakap ng unan at magkukunwaring may katabi sa kama,
Mag-uunat ng paa,
Magtutungga ng tubig galing sa baso,
Magpaplano para sa darating na umaga,
Magsesenti ng mga nakalipas,
Maghihikab ng paulit-ulit
Magpupungas ng mga mutaing mata
Mag-iinternet,
Magtutula,
Magkakamot ng balat,
Makikinig ng mp3,
Magtitiklop ng kumot,
Mag-aayos ng kama at saka
Muling hihiga.

Ngunit ano man ang pilit at anumang klaseng dasal, basta't dikta ng

body clock.

Pasensyahan na lang ang matirang puyat.

---

At sigurado kong pagsapit ng alas-onse mamaya. Bagsak na naman ako nito sa trabaho.

Paano na lang ang napipisil na promotion ko?

The Gisele Bündchen Ipanema Experience

The guys who read my blog regularly know that I'm very bobo when it comes to fashion. I don't even know what Chuck Taylors are or the difference between a Boot Cut and Skinny Jeans. I own a pair of rubber shoes which I bought from Fila three weeks ago at 70% discount. The other footwear I have at my disposal were hand-me-downs from cousins abroad.

I sometimes even walk barefoot at home.

So imagine my surprise when I was invited to this Flip Flops launching event at Le Souffle last night. It's like WOW! I get to dine in a fancy restaurant for FREE, and get to see a runway and fashion show up close without being dragged by the security out of the room.

It's all thanks to Mugenblog, which is somewhat getting more attention lately.

The footwear launching event was a blogger affair attended by prominent Bloggers from around the city. Known as the Ipanema Seeds Collection Launching, the flip flop brand introduces a new line of high-end tsinelas which is promoted, designed and worn by Gisele Bündchen herself. You ask me who Gisele Bündchen is and my immediate answer be "she's a fashion model!" and that's it. But if you ask Miss Lyka Bergen who this fashion model is and I'm sure he will tell you her family history and even the list of brands she modeled for during her entire career.

I don't know much about flip-flops. The ready-to-fling one I have was bought by my mom at the supermarket. I laugh at people who goes gaga over Havaianas, Grendha and Flojos. However, when I was thinking earlier how to set Ipanema apart from the other flip flops in the kikay department, one thing came to mind.


If I can spend my money on footwear, why not spend it on flops that promote the environment?

Yes my dear friends! That is basically the main thrust of the Gisele Bündchen Seeds Collection. The line actually gives part of its earnings to the Haribon Foundation for its drive to restore the dwindling rain forests in the country. Since my advocacy is focused on the environment, I say "bring it on papi!" I don't mind getting an Ipanema this summer for my first attempt to accessorize so long as something good for the planet will come out of my pimping.

So that's it guys. The event is a first for my blog and I hope to feature more brands in the coming entries. Don't be surprised if I start modeling as well. Haha. And before I forget, I have something for sweet pea, who should have been there at the launching with me.

The Berthgiver (Last Part)

Strange how some people would speak of love like it is meant to last forever. They would brag about it; perform strange rituals and daring exploits to flaunt their affection for one another; and make oaths and promises that such love would endure even the test of time. A person smitten by romantic passion would embrace deception to get hold of what they feel as real. But in truth, love knows only moments and what remains beyond infatuation is bittersweet memory that is meant to last a lifetime.

Despite this reality, I always tell those smitten by love to snatch every opportunity to feel it flowing in their being. Love is like a virus that inhibits your mental functions. You can never tell when it will contain you; but the moment it does, its infection would leave you unable to grasp even the most rudimentary vocations of your sensibilities.

On the second day after being introduced to FireArcher, things were far from ordinary. Our sweet text exchanges continued and as a result, it felt like walking in the clouds. Despite the toxic campaign season which threatened to overwhelm me, I found myself basking in my little box of sunshine. The Chairman of the Party would demand more cash donations to run the political machine and just for them not to distract my attention, I would give away whatever cash I have in my wallet. I still cannot forget how I was able to give up my two thousand peso savings out of sheer joy when FireArcher agreed to a meet up the next day.

---

It was a Sunday afternoon when we met in Vito Cruz. He belonged to the home of Green Archers and to see him in his environment was his home court advantage. Pleasantries were exchanged and the conversation began rolling. Nobody knew in PEx that we would see each other. I was a sneaky bastard who wanted him for myself. For if the others knew what was going on, I would be put to the cross the next time a reunion will be called.

The meet-up was a landmark achievement that I've even forgotten my girlfriend who was looking for me that weekend.

Previous social engagements dictate that a coffee date or a little snack hangout should be in order. That was how I conducted my affairs in the straight world. I never knew that FireArcher had something else in mind. Smitten by his charms, I let go of my command and instead followed his direction.

His trail lead me to the side streets of Malate - behind the university he often bragged about in the forum. Dazed and unable to speak for myself, I entrusted my innocence and friendliness to his responsibility. We found ourselves sitting next to each other, on a two-person bed, whose soft blue striped sheets relaxed the senses. Nobody was inside the house except for us who were merely hanging out in his room at the farthest corner of his place. He turned on the stereo which played light alternative music. In my calm and inviting surroundings, never did I sense that hostility was just around the corner:

To subtly switch a topic into something more provocative would invite danger - A peril which my instinct was still unaccustomed to in those early days.

I cannot recall the things we have talked about. He must have said something about his school, his culinary talents, and even his past relationships with men. At 18, I learned how advanced he was compared to me who was just about to enter a life of queerhood at the age of 20. The conversation went on, until we gradually delved into subjects that were too intimate to even mention when being alone.

Out of nowhere the initiation began:

"Hey can I ask you a favor?"

"Ano yun dude."

"Is it alright to kiss you?" A sudden brush of coldness run up my spine. It took me a few deep breaths before I could respond to his question.

"Sure, it's alright with me..." I saw his pearly whites shine on his face. He must have brought me to his place just for this moment to happen.

FireArcher moved closer. I felt his warm breath melting my lips. A seething heat burned my body, while my shaky hands froze in excitement for an orgasmic end from the person who just poisoned my heart.

I closed my eyes and waited for the kiss he will plant on my lips. Slowly, he positioned himself for a passionate assault. As I crossed the point of no return, I felt fear, passion, and thrill for something I have never done before. There were so many things running in my head: acceptance, a secret romance, a life that will never be the same again.

Who would have thought everything would start from there.

The skirmish broke out a few minutes before sundown. He began by assaulting my lips with lip-locking caresses. I was able to taste his sweet saliva but my nicotine-laced tongue repelled him away. Too bad, my defenses were strong enough to push him back. Had I chewed a gum before his initiation, the kiss might have lead into something more. He tried another attempt to make out, but when he saw me shaking violently, his senses took over. A hasty retreat was in order and I was spared from a white and sticky explosion I wasn't ready yet to give a try.

---

There were no traces of guilt when I left his apartment. Instead, the premature disconnection left me hanging in mid-air after a climax wasn't achieved in our attempt at copulation. FireArcher promised me to expect another round the next time we meet. On my way home, he said the reason for leaving me in peace.

"Masyado ka kasing kinakabahan kaya hinayaan na lang kita." He explained. "Pero next time, magpapaputok tayong dalawa hehe."

The prospects of having a carnal rematch left me with a hard-on that I had to pacify the moment I entered my room. Believing that there was something between us, I became bolder in my manner of expressing my feelings toward FireArcher.

Unfortunately, it was a one way understanding. What he simply wanted was to get me.

Our text exchanges became a trickle a few days after our failed engagement. He said he was busy with academics so I just decided to leave him alone. Much as it was difficult to return to the life I had just abandoned, picking up the pieces was my only choice. The girlfriend never learned what happened and so were FireArcher's devoted admirers in the group. These boys would later confess their feelings, only to be turned down without even reaching first base.

It would take another seven months before someone would successfully overrun my newly fortified camp. I met him in the chat room and we took advantage of his friend's generosity when she entrusted to my mate the keys to her apartment. The guy happened to be extremely frisky that evening, while I was determined to change my image into something naughtier after being told that I'm too nice for a non-straight guy.

By then, FireArcher had become a mere preface to a story about my self-discovery - whose nearly-forgotten memory resurfaced a few days ago. The recollection was triggered when a kid who happens to follow my blog suddenly confessed his sexuality to me during our conversation in the Yahoo Messenger.

The date of my initiation was February 17. Seven years later, here I am providing a berth place to someone who found himself out in the open sea and into the same body of water I crossed blindly without a berthing place to anchor myself to the ground.

---

[12:22] kidblogger001: ang hirap kasing maging masaya pag ka ung kasiyahan mu eh mali sa panigin ng ibang tao..
[12:23] MuGen: ang hirap kasing maging masaya pag ka ung kasiyahan mu eh mali sa panigin ng ibang tao.. - kasi hindi mo pa tanggap ng buo ang pagkatao mo
[12:23] MuGen: intayin mong dumating ang
[12:23] MuGen: panahon

The Berthgiver (Second Part)

[12:02] kidblogger001: pero ewan ko..
[12:02] kidblogger001: kasi..
[12:02] kidblogger001: gustong gusto ko yung feeling na..
[12:02] kidblogger001: pinagtitinginan ka.
[12:02] MuGen: ano?
[12:02] kidblogger001: lalu na ng mga bakla.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha.
[12:02] kidblogger001: alam mong sabik sau.
[12:02] kidblogger001: haha
[12:02] MuGen: may itsura ka naman eh
[12:02] MuGen: pero don't get it into your head
[12:03] MuGen: dapat maging challenge mo
[12:03] MuGen: paano mo makukuha ang attention
[12:03] MuGen: ng mas superior sayo
[12:03] MuGen: sa katawan saka sa looks
[12:04] kidblogger001: ahh.
[12:04] kidblogger001: tama.
[12:04] kidblogger001: pero sa totoo lang,
[12:05] kidblogger001: ginagawa ko nlng to..
[12:05] kidblogger001: just for fun. ayaw ko ng seryosohin.

---

There he was, having his alone time beside the window. Impressions tell that he was not in the mood to mingle with the people in our table. I glanced at him from a distance only to see his eyes fixed at the road outside. It was clear that something was bothering him but being a newbie in the group, to reach out would make me appear too cocky to those who met him before I arrived.

Some of the guys from our thread would interrupt his solitary confinement. They would pull his hand and coax him to join us in our wild abandonment. He would respond to the invitation by sliding his butt from the bar stool. He would then stand in one corner and thump his feet and nod his head to the sound of music to make it appear that he was dancing.

After a house track has finished playing, he would quietly slip from our circle and reach his hand to pick a bottle of beer he left on the table. He would empty the bottle with one gulp before returning to his stool and fix his gaze back to the road outside the window.

It must be my tendency to be drawn to people who seldom speak that lead me closer to him. After all, there seems to be a natural attraction between two non-straight men who find each other deem masculine for their taste. Barely an hour since I arrived, we were already exchanging pleasantries in one corner as prying eyes turn toward our direction.

I found out weeks later that the reason for the sudden coldness among several of the attendees was because he was the apple of the eye during the grand eye ball.

And there we were, suddenly getting comfortable with one another.

---

[12:05] MuGen: bata ka pa
[12:05] MuGen: so you can afford to have fun
[12:06] MuGen: basta ingat ka lang dude
[12:06] MuGen: 18 ka tama ba?
[12:07] kidblogger001: uu.
[12:07] kidblogger001: 18..
[12:07] kidblogger001: salamat..
[12:07] kidblogger001: hehe..
[12:07] MuGen: normal yan
[12:07] MuGen: malibog
[12:07] MuGen: aggressive
[12:07] MuGen: may mga nagagawa ako ng 21
[12:07] MuGen: na hindi ko maimagine na gagawin ko ngayong 27 na ako
[12:07] kidblogger001: like wut?
[12:07] MuGen: yoko sabihin sayo
[12:07] MuGen: mag ka idea ka pa
[12:08] kidblogger001: ganun?
[12:08] kidblogger001: haha.

---

I found out during the course of our conversation that the guy he was courting for many weeks suddenly picked someone to become his new lover. I didn't speak much that night, and instead listened as he recounted the things he did in order to win the guy's affection. For a tall, chinito guy like him, I think he was a good catch. I even made enemies just for having a monopoly of his attention. But since it was my first real encounter with a non-straight guy who thinks and acts like me, I was more fascinated in becoming his buddy. After all, I was still in a heterosexual relationship and I just couldn't imagine having a girl and a guy being my lovers.

The night ended with us exchanging numbers. I left earlier than the rest since they were all drunk and I could already feel that some of them didn't want my presence. Upon returning to the party meeting, the core group was still arguing about the expenses and logistics of running the elections. Meanwhile, the candidates rehearsed their speeches at the far end of the room.

Things would have appeared normal except for me, whose eyes suddenly had this spark after my first grand eye ball. For the first time, I never felt alone. Someone actually understood the troubles running in my head. To live a double life I am against wasn't easy, but to know that another person shares the same struggles I have was enough to overcome the burdens of denying myself of the truth:

I am attracted to another guy and there's no other way but to accept it as a fact.

---

[12:08] kidblogger001: so dami ok pa plng di alam.
[12:08] kidblogger001: kung baga rookie plang ako.
[12:08] MuGen: hindi ka naman pwede maging expert kaagad eh
[12:08] MuGen: kahit ako hindi ko masasabing expert ako nu
[12:09] MuGen: palaban lang ako pag hinahamon
[12:10] kidblogger001: ah. pero alam mong mali diba?
[12:10] MuGen: mali alin?
[12:11] kidblogger001: mali ang lahat ng ito.
[12:11] MuGen: hindi
[12:11] MuGen: society lang nagdidikta sa atin na mali ito.
[12:11] MuGen: pusta ko sayo
[12:11] MuGen: kapag 30 ka na
[12:11] MuGen: hindi na big deal
[12:11] MuGen: kung straight ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bading ka
[12:11] MuGen: o bi ka.

---

It was almost morning and my text exchanges with FireArcher never stopped We talked about our longings and yes, even our desire to see each other soon. Reading between the lines, the messages revealed our mutual interest for one another. I just couldn't admit it. As my party mates retreat for some rest, I looked at our effeminate colleagues with a smile on my face. They returned the favor by raising an eyebrow as they passed in front of me.

At the back of my head. All I could muster was an act of surrender. There was no use holding on, for my insatiable appetite to discover my new-found sexuality has reached levels that could never be controlled anymore. With our first encounter still burning in my memory, I decided to know him more.

I retreated into the night with these lines ending my first gay poem.

I,
a suppose to be
impenetrable fortress
has become a mudbrick
withering after ages of hiding

You
burn me relentlessly
in the most secret
of the nights

---

-tobecontinued-

The Berthgiver (First Part)

Bakit kaya dumarami ang mga PLU kahit hindi sila nanganganak?

- Anon

---

[11:32] MuGen: may experience ka na ba dati?
[11:32] MuGen: i mean
[11:32] MuGen: nasubukan mo na
[11:32] MuGen: sa lalaki?
[11:34] kidblogger001: ha? bakit?
[11:34] kidblogger001: mu natanong?
[11:34] kidblogger001: muka ba?
[11:36] MuGen: yung tingin ko?
[11:37] kidblogger001: yea?

---

We agreed to see each other a few days after our first meeting in a grand eye ball.

The grand eye ball was my first. Organized by the founders of the first gay and lesbian community in Pinoyexchange, it set the standards for all the gatherings among non-straight groups in the online forum. I remember showing up in my school uniform that night in Malate. The campaign drive for the student council elections was in its final swing and meetings after meetings took what remained of my social life.

Despite the busy schedule, my inner sexual conflict was gaining prominence among the things I thought beyond politics. I just confessed my bisexual tendencies in the same forum a few weeks before and the invitation to join the gathering sent to me hereafter was too tempting not to ignore.

So I made an excuse to my other colleagues who were still in the middle of a heated debate within the campus just to satisfy my curiosity. I rode a jeep in Dapitan going to Taft Avenue; walked a few blocks from the main road until reaching the corner of Nakpil and Orosa streets; and entered a lesbian bar which would close down before the year ended and open again as the infamous Red Banana, which was known for its cum-drenched dark room upstairs until it was closed down by the authorities several years ago.

The place where my life as a non-straight started is now occupied by the much tamer O-Bar.

---

[11:37] MuGen: curious ka eh
[11:37] MuGen: so mukhang may karanasan ka na
[11:38] MuGen: tropa tayo dude ha
[11:38] MuGen: alam mo naman
[11:38] MuGen: preference ko diba
[11:39] kidblogger001: anu nga ba?
[11:39] MuGen: hindi ako straight.
[11:39] kidblogger001: confirm ko lanf,
[11:40] MuGen: so bago ka mag trip
[11:40] MuGen: itanong mo muna sa akin
[11:40] MuGen: at baka
[11:40] MuGen: ma-confuse ka
[11:40] MuGen: pag tumagal
[11:41] kidblogger001: ma confuse san?
[11:41] MuGen: haha
[11:41] MuGen: wala

---

"Hello! Si Endymionn ito, nandito na ako sa La Dida. Nasaan kayo?"

"Akyat ka lang. Nakaupo kami malapit sa CR."

I called the organizer using my mobile phone the moment I set foot inside the bar. These days, I would even leave a dance partner and walk as far away as I could just to call back my mother whenever she checks my whereabouts during my weekly night-outs. Finding the group wasn't difficult. Since it was a lesbian bar, there were only a handful of guys inside the place. I easily found them seated near the bathroom.

What greeted me was a bunch of men and women who happens to be all non-straights. Most of them were effeminate gays in their mid and early twenties, while a couple of masculine ones were seated next to the window. The rest were lipstick and butch lesbians dancing next to our table. Had I not been exposed to the same kind of people within my political party, I would have never lasted an hour in their company.

Like all first timers, I had my tense moments too. I kept on looking at faces of people around me out of fear that someone might know who I am. You see, I was technically straight. I had no experience with another guy; I was quite well-known in my campus; and my circle of friends inside the classroom were straight men who enjoyed bashing gay people. It would be a great embarrassment had someone from school caught me hanging out in such queer places.

The only gay people I knew were the flamboyant and screaming ones from my college. The concept of discreetness hasn't entered my consciousness yet and the thought of seeing a masculine guy who happens to like another guy was a stuff of legend I was trying to prove to exist. It was the reason I dared show up in the company of gay people. Somehow, it got so cramped inside my closet that the need to reach out and connect with men who shares my affinity became a need I could not resist.

---

[11:42] kidblogger001: so anu ka?
[11:42] kidblogger001: silahis?
[11:42] kidblogger001: ganun?
[11:42] MuGen: uu
[11:42] MuGen: [insert smiley face here]
[11:42] kidblogger001: or ung bimale?
[11:43] MuGen: pareho lang yun
[11:43] kidblogger001: ah. preho lang ba yun.
[11:43] kidblogger001: t, b, o v?
[11:45] MuGen: nyemas
[11:45] MuGen: dami mong alam ah
[11:45] MuGen: alam mo ibig sabihin ng t b o v?
[11:47] kidblogger001: top, bottom, versa?
[11:47] MuGen: sino nagturo sayo?
[11:47] MuGen: straight ka ba?
[11:47] kidblogger001: ako.
[11:47] MuGen: confused?
[11:48] kidblogger001: confused?
[11:48] kidblogger001: indi ah.
[11:48] kidblogger001: sure ako.
[11:48] kidblogger001: 100%
[11:48] MuGen: straight.
[11:48] kidblogger001: BI
[11:48] kidblogger001: [insert smiley face here]
[11:49] MuGen: gulo mo bro.
[11:49] MuGen: haha
[11:49] MuGen: wag mong piliting basahin kita
[11:49] kidblogger001: panong basahin?
[11:49] kidblogger001: ayaw mu maniwala?
[11:50] MuGen: na bisexual ka?
[11:51] kidblogger001: oo?

---

"Hi, my name is Joms. My PEx handle is Endymionn." They all nodded to acknowledge my presence.

Like in all traditional grand eyeballs, there is a part where the host would introduce the new arrival to everyone in the group. First to be introduced were the lesbians who were grinding to the sound of Joyrise before they were interrupted by one of the organizers. They were all pretty, very feminine and if not for their admission of sexuality, one would never realize that they were actually boob-diggers.

Next were the professional gay men from the "straight-acting" group. They were men, yes, but straight-acting, I doubt. Nevertheless, they all welcomed me with open-arms despite showing some stiffness and distance when I tried to reach out to them. I sat in their table realizing that I cannot relate to the musicals, fine dining places and pop culture they talked among themselves.

The last to be introduced were the "bisexuals." They were the ones I'm acquainted with in the forum. All of them were students like me. We came from different universities who have different views about sexuality. Among all of them, I think I was the only rookie. Most of them were already quite comfortable with themselves and their reasons for attending were far different from mine.

In those days, my favorite opening lines were "kelan mo na realize na hindi ka pala straight?" or "when was the last time you had a girlfriend?" Those who got fed up by those questions raised by the uninstructed ones like me would just raise their eyebrows, smile and then hesitantly give their answers. After satisfying your curiosity, they would return to their hunting grounds in search for their potential lovers. Since I wasn't really a catch and most people found me aloof, if not too intimidating, I was left in the corner near the windows looking at the group of people assembled on the street below.

That was until I met someone who happened to share the same wavelength as mine.

His PEx handle was FireArcher and before the week was over, he would eventually be the one to initiate me to the ways of being a non-straight.

---

[11:52] MuGen: thanks sa pagtitiwala
[11:52] MuGen: actually basa ko naman eh
[11:52] kidblogger001: eh yun nmn pla eh.
[11:53] kidblogger001: haha.
[11:53] kidblogger001: ngayun lang?
[11:53] MuGen: nung
[11:54] MuGen: sinabi mo sakin
[11:54] MuGen: yung q circle
[11:55] MuGen: [insert blog entry link here]
[11:56] MuGen: tsaka yan
[11:57] kidblogger001: haha. mahilig lang tlga ako sa mga ganyan.
[11:57] kidblogger001: lols.
[11:57] kidblogger001: i mean sa mga bakla.
[11:57] MuGen: hehe
[11:57] MuGen: nakikisama ako sa mas effem sa akin
[11:57] MuGen: pag kaibigan lang
[11:57] MuGen: pero pag medyo
[11:57] MuGen: lumalandi
[11:57] MuGen: defensive na ako.
[11:58] kidblogger001: haha.
[11:58] MuGen: parang gaya sa gateway mo
[11:58] MuGen: mabait ka pa
[11:59] kidblogger001: first time ko nmn kasi tlga un.
[11:59] kidblogger001: kaya di ko lam gagawin ko.
[11:59] kidblogger001: tska isa pa.
[11:59] MuGen: anu?
[11:59] kidblogger001: di ko trip s i kuya.
[11:59] kidblogger001: lols
[11:59] MuGen: hehehe
[11:59] MuGen: pero kung trip mo
[11:59] MuGen: sasama ka?

---

-tobecontinued-

Dream Journals Eighteen

If and when it happens, at least you have been cautioned.

My eyes were closed, but I felt the ground beneath my feet wobble. It was a violent tremble. It is as if, some imaginary hand took a glass paper holder and shook it until the gold dust or white dot particles scatter all over the place. I imagine a spectacle of chaos; a pandemonium beyond my wildest vision. When the vibrations were over, I opened my eyes and found myself on a flattened ruin across UST. It was where the Ryan Jay Gym once stood. (or Shakeys) I cannot really remember. What I am certain of is that the overpass was still standing and thick dark clouds hung overhead.

To recall the events become more difficult the more I gain consciousness. I cannot say if there was an ambush interview by a reporter a few feet away (or was it on the breaking news on television that I was watching) The reporter was asking the former President Corazon Aquino. (makes sense, she was the president when the July 1990 Earthquake Struck) for insights about the major tremor. I didn’t wait for the interview to finish. Instead, I walked towards the overpass to climb its steep steps. I reached the summit minutes later and continued walking until I was at the middle of the overhead crossing. Surveying my surroundings, scenes of destruction were everywhere. Collapsed buildings dotted the stretch of Espana towards the direction of Welcome Rotonda. For reasons only my vision could explain, I cannot recall seeing another person aside from me. There were no ambulances or fire trucks passing beneath. Despite the earthquake, an eerie calmness lulled my surroundings.

The last thing I remember was looking still in the direction of Welcome Rotonda. With eyes fixed on the horizon, I noticed that the spot where the Espana Tower once stood and proudly touched the sky was no more. In its place were concrete slabs stacked on top of each other. They look like domino pieces strewn all over the place.

“I wonder how many people were trapped under the rubble,” I thought.

End of dream.

9:00 AM
February 13, 2009

Valentines (Last Part)

Half an hour to go before Valentines Day is over.

The day went by almost unnoticed, like the five years that came before. Five years. That's how long it took before I finally realized that I'm better off on my own. Valentines Day with Phanks was a roller-coaster experience. It was a ride where I both felt being at the crest and base of the emotion called love.

We bore witness to the first Lovepalooza in Roxas Boulevard during our first run. We never kissed, but to be there as a couple was the apex of our relationship. Father died the second year so I never had any story to tell about our Valentines - except perhaps vignettes of grieving and accepting a life less of a loved one. A cold war erupted during our third. The blog never explained the reasons, but I hint that he had other important matters to attend and the occasion simply passed as a mere footnote to his life story. We welcomed the fourth by having a movie and dinner date at Robinson's Place a week earlier. By some divine joke, Valentines Day came to a close with me cuddling someone in bed. Yes, the partner decided to sleep over at my place. I wonder if mother heard the moaning and grunting sounds we made that morning. The fifth I was broke, but we were able to have a decent lunch at Gary's Taft despite a heaving stomach and a broken soul. Those were my Valentines days with him and looking back at how our time went by, it wasn't as bad as I thought before writing this entry.

However, one thing that is lacking with him is the initiative to steer the wheel. I cannot remember a time when it was he who planned our activities or spent entirely for our dates. It was always my call and had I let him run the show, probably we have never achieved anything at all. Friends were right when they said I spoiled my ex to the brim. I lessened his burdens by taking responsibility over our relationship that it became a one-way affair. How unfortunate that when he finally saw what was missing, I was already preparing to take flight.

We broke up without ever seeing each other.

Despite our tragic past, I sincerely wish that he found solace tonight. It is my hope that somewhere along the road, he met someone deem worthy as my replacement. As for me, replacing him is easy. With a market value that is on the rise, it would not be a surprise if I suddenly speak of romance like I clumsily found it passing my direction one of these weeks.

But there are matters that are easier to ignore than to pursue half-heartedly only to abandoned it at the end.

One of them is love.

And now that I am strong enough to stand without anyone to hold me up, I think it would be best that I remain distant to anyone who would make my heart beat. It is a choice I have to bear, rather than unintentionally hurt people who suddenly find themselves entering my cold space.

---

So how did I spend my Valentines?

Like during the Christmas and New Year's eve, I let Mugen and Darkstar frolic the places I once called home. On the dance floor, we learned how lonely people pretending to be tough disarm themselves when they find someone stronger than them. The dance partner I chose last night had this boundless energy that kept me bouncing and prancing until my legs hurt. I thought he was simply there for the dance but when he pulled my shirt closer to his body, I knew he wanted more.

Suddenly I was reminded of a time when it was me who leaned my head against someone's back. The emotional troubles were simply too much to bear that to press a part of me against somebody was enough to claim a slice of my strength back.

Now it was someone else and when he groped his arms around my body, I responded with even a tighter hug to make him feel needed. He pressed his face against my chest hard enough to let me feel the troubles of his heart. I felt his loneliness; his inner longing for a savior despite being in the company of (fuck) friends. The night concluded with us making out while being surrounded by envious and snooty people looking for their rightful one on the dance floor. When he turned his back to check his buddies, (who took pictures of us while kissing and groping in front of them) I made a hasty exit without saying goodbye. My two needy invisible companions had their fill and getting someone's number wasn't necessary to prolong the deed.

I went to work recalling how Valentines were done in elementary after passing a queue of pupils on their way for their first communion the following morning.

Back then, a pupil would have to dodge a swarm of vendors selling long-stemmed roses and plastic heart necklaces before they can push themselves toward the school gate's entrance. A rose would cost around ten pesos and if you're lucky enough to be given by your sweet mother an extra twenty for your baon, you would spend the extra cash acquiring those flowers and giving them to the teacher of your choice.

The teacher - usually your adviser - receiving your long-stemmed blossom would appreciate the thoughtfulness. She would suddenly express an air of concern whenever she sees you running along the corridor. From then forth, expect your academic interests secured until the school year is over. That is how I learned the fine art of Public Relations. In fourth year college many years later, I was able to use the same tricks to secure a passing grade in Spanish. Apparently, the elderly Senora Soresca never received any flowers from her other students that when he saw me reaching my hand to give her my long stem from Tecson's, it automatically translated to a grade of 3 no matter how many exams I flunked in her class.

Suddenly I missed the days when nobody would greet you "Happy Single Awareness Day" like your well being and sanity depends on having a special someone today.

---

It was Pulsar's turn to run my Valentines according to what he deems ideal.

Immediately after the shift was over, I headed towards the nearby Puregold Supermarket to procure the goods I previously pledged for the Hanap Barkada's Paglingap Outreach Activity. If Mugen finds contentment in hugs and kisses from cute strangers and Darkstar enjoys seeing other heads crane towards his direction whenever he shows up in front of people, Pulsar's satisfaction needs are way up higher than my two other egos. His requirements this time would include two bundles of 11 pieces adult diapers, one 12-roll toilet paper, 5 kilos of detergent soap, and two rolls of cotton. I didn't check how much it cost me, but the sheer enjoyment of doing something selfless for others was enough to compensate for the financial lost.

Pulsar and I delivered the goods all the way to Pasay without any assistance from anyone. We did some tricky balancing act passing narrow aisles inside jeeps and buses and endured seeing couples all over the place busily expressing their love for one another. Had I been a little focused on my state of miserable singlehood, I would never go out to be seen by others in the first place.

But this occasion is different. Seven years; Three failed successive relationships; One chance to enjoy a Valentines I always had in mind. This year may not be the same Valentines I will be celebrating in the years to come.

Because things will continue to change and what truly matters is now.

So I made a decision to go full throttle. It will be the most expensive Valentines Date I will give to people closest to me.

---

8:30 PM, Greenwich Quiapo Hidalgo

"Miss yung Family Pizza Overload please."

"Would that be all sir?"

"Yes, how long would it take before I can get my order."

"13 minutes sir, okay lang ba sa inyo?"

"Yep, ikot lang ako sa labas. Balik na lang ako."

"Okay sir."

---

9 PM 7-Eleven Santa Mesa

"Magkano yung [?]gallon ng Rocky Road?"

"250 po."

"Ah eh, sandali lang ha withdraw muna ako."

After balancing the family size pizza and yawning wallet on my right hand while sliding the ATM card on the machine slot, I was able to withdraw 200 pesos from my account.

"Heto yun 100."

---

Ten minutes later.

"Oi pa-valentines ko sa inyo. Enjoy sa pizza at ice cream!!!"

Dates, Lovers and Friends may come and go. But to welcome the occasion with your family and the needy is I think the most sublime way of celebrating Valentines Day.