Half an hour to go before Valentines Day is over.
The day went by almost unnoticed, like the five years that came before. Five years. That's how long it took before I finally realized that I'm better off on my own. Valentines Day with Phanks was a roller-coaster experience. It was a ride where I both felt being at the crest and base of the emotion called love.
We bore witness to the first Lovepalooza in Roxas Boulevard during our first run. We never kissed, but to be there as a couple was the apex of our relationship. Father died the second year so I never had any story to tell about our Valentines - except perhaps vignettes of grieving and accepting a life less of a loved one. A cold war erupted during our third. The blog never explained the reasons, but I hint that he had other important matters to attend and the occasion simply passed as a mere footnote to his life story. We welcomed the fourth by having a movie and dinner date at Robinson's Place a week earlier. By some divine joke, Valentines Day came to a close with me cuddling someone in bed. Yes, the partner decided to sleep over at my place. I wonder if mother heard the moaning and grunting sounds we made that morning. The fifth I was broke, but we were able to have a decent lunch at Gary's Taft despite a heaving stomach and a broken soul. Those were my Valentines days with him and looking back at how our time went by, it wasn't as bad as I thought before writing this entry.
However, one thing that is lacking with him is the initiative to steer the wheel. I cannot remember a time when it was he who planned our activities or spent entirely for our dates. It was always my call and had I let him run the show, probably we have never achieved anything at all. Friends were right when they said I spoiled my ex to the brim. I lessened his burdens by taking responsibility over our relationship that it became a one-way affair. How unfortunate that when he finally saw what was missing, I was already preparing to take flight.
We broke up without ever seeing each other.
Despite our tragic past, I sincerely wish that he found solace tonight. It is my hope that somewhere along the road, he met someone deem worthy as my replacement. As for me, replacing him is easy. With a market value that is on the rise, it would not be a surprise if I suddenly speak of romance like I clumsily found it passing my direction one of these weeks.
But there are matters that are easier to ignore than to pursue half-heartedly only to abandoned it at the end.
One of them is love.
And now that I am strong enough to stand without anyone to hold me up, I think it would be best that I remain distant to anyone who would make my heart beat. It is a choice I have to bear, rather than unintentionally hurt people who suddenly find themselves entering my cold space.
---
So how did I spend my Valentines?
Like during the Christmas and New Year's eve, I let Mugen and Darkstar frolic the places I once called home. On the dance floor, we learned how lonely people pretending to be tough disarm themselves when they find someone stronger than them. The dance partner I chose last night had this boundless energy that kept me bouncing and prancing until my legs hurt. I thought he was simply there for the dance but when he pulled my shirt closer to his body, I knew he wanted more.
Suddenly I was reminded of a time when it was me who leaned my head against someone's back. The emotional troubles were simply too much to bear that to press a part of me against somebody was enough to claim a slice of my strength back.
Now it was someone else and when he groped his arms around my body, I responded with even a tighter hug to make him feel needed. He pressed his face against my chest hard enough to let me feel the troubles of his heart. I felt his loneliness; his inner longing for a savior despite being in the company of (fuck) friends. The night concluded with us making out while being surrounded by envious and snooty people looking for their rightful one on the dance floor. When he turned his back to check his buddies, (who took pictures of us while kissing and groping in front of them) I made a hasty exit without saying goodbye. My two needy invisible companions had their fill and getting someone's number wasn't necessary to prolong the deed.
I went to work recalling how Valentines were done in elementary after passing a queue of pupils on their way for their first communion the following morning.
Back then, a pupil would have to dodge a swarm of vendors selling long-stemmed roses and plastic heart necklaces before they can push themselves toward the school gate's entrance. A rose would cost around ten pesos and if you're lucky enough to be given by your sweet mother an extra twenty for your baon, you would spend the extra cash acquiring those flowers and giving them to the teacher of your choice.
The teacher - usually your adviser - receiving your long-stemmed blossom would appreciate the thoughtfulness. She would suddenly express an air of concern whenever she sees you running along the corridor. From then forth, expect your academic interests secured until the school year is over. That is how I learned the fine art of Public Relations. In fourth year college many years later, I was able to use the same tricks to secure a passing grade in Spanish. Apparently, the elderly Senora Soresca never received any flowers from her other students that when he saw me reaching my hand to give her my long stem from Tecson's, it automatically translated to a grade of 3 no matter how many exams I flunked in her class.
Suddenly I missed the days when nobody would greet you "Happy Single Awareness Day" like your well being and sanity depends on having a special someone today.
---
It was Pulsar's turn to run my Valentines according to what he deems ideal.
Immediately after the shift was over, I headed towards the nearby Puregold Supermarket to procure the goods I previously pledged for the Hanap Barkada's Paglingap Outreach Activity. If Mugen finds contentment in hugs and kisses from cute strangers and Darkstar enjoys seeing other heads crane towards his direction whenever he shows up in front of people, Pulsar's satisfaction needs are way up higher than my two other egos. His requirements this time would include two bundles of 11 pieces adult diapers, one 12-roll toilet paper, 5 kilos of detergent soap, and two rolls of cotton. I didn't check how much it cost me, but the sheer enjoyment of doing something selfless for others was enough to compensate for the financial lost.
Pulsar and I delivered the goods all the way to Pasay without any assistance from anyone. We did some tricky balancing act passing narrow aisles inside jeeps and buses and endured seeing couples all over the place busily expressing their love for one another. Had I been a little focused on my state of miserable singlehood, I would never go out to be seen by others in the first place.
But this occasion is different. Seven years; Three failed successive relationships; One chance to enjoy a Valentines I always had in mind. This year may not be the same Valentines I will be celebrating in the years to come.
Because things will continue to change and what truly matters is now.
So I made a decision to go full throttle. It will be the most expensive Valentines Date I will give to people closest to me.
---
8:30 PM, Greenwich Quiapo Hidalgo
"Miss yung Family Pizza Overload please."
"Would that be all sir?"
"Yes, how long would it take before I can get my order."
"13 minutes sir, okay lang ba sa inyo?"
"Yep, ikot lang ako sa labas. Balik na lang ako."
"Okay sir."
---
9 PM 7-Eleven Santa Mesa
"Magkano yung [?]gallon ng Rocky Road?"
"250 po."
"Ah eh, sandali lang ha withdraw muna ako."
After balancing the family size pizza and yawning wallet on my right hand while sliding the ATM card on the machine slot, I was able to withdraw 200 pesos from my account.
"Heto yun 100."
---
Ten minutes later.
"Oi pa-valentines ko sa inyo. Enjoy sa pizza at ice cream!!!"
Dates, Lovers and Friends may come and go. But to welcome the occasion with your family and the needy is I think the most sublime way of celebrating Valentines Day.
The day went by almost unnoticed, like the five years that came before. Five years. That's how long it took before I finally realized that I'm better off on my own. Valentines Day with Phanks was a roller-coaster experience. It was a ride where I both felt being at the crest and base of the emotion called love.
We bore witness to the first Lovepalooza in Roxas Boulevard during our first run. We never kissed, but to be there as a couple was the apex of our relationship. Father died the second year so I never had any story to tell about our Valentines - except perhaps vignettes of grieving and accepting a life less of a loved one. A cold war erupted during our third. The blog never explained the reasons, but I hint that he had other important matters to attend and the occasion simply passed as a mere footnote to his life story. We welcomed the fourth by having a movie and dinner date at Robinson's Place a week earlier. By some divine joke, Valentines Day came to a close with me cuddling someone in bed. Yes, the partner decided to sleep over at my place. I wonder if mother heard the moaning and grunting sounds we made that morning. The fifth I was broke, but we were able to have a decent lunch at Gary's Taft despite a heaving stomach and a broken soul. Those were my Valentines days with him and looking back at how our time went by, it wasn't as bad as I thought before writing this entry.
However, one thing that is lacking with him is the initiative to steer the wheel. I cannot remember a time when it was he who planned our activities or spent entirely for our dates. It was always my call and had I let him run the show, probably we have never achieved anything at all. Friends were right when they said I spoiled my ex to the brim. I lessened his burdens by taking responsibility over our relationship that it became a one-way affair. How unfortunate that when he finally saw what was missing, I was already preparing to take flight.
We broke up without ever seeing each other.
Despite our tragic past, I sincerely wish that he found solace tonight. It is my hope that somewhere along the road, he met someone deem worthy as my replacement. As for me, replacing him is easy. With a market value that is on the rise, it would not be a surprise if I suddenly speak of romance like I clumsily found it passing my direction one of these weeks.
But there are matters that are easier to ignore than to pursue half-heartedly only to abandoned it at the end.
One of them is love.
And now that I am strong enough to stand without anyone to hold me up, I think it would be best that I remain distant to anyone who would make my heart beat. It is a choice I have to bear, rather than unintentionally hurt people who suddenly find themselves entering my cold space.
---
So how did I spend my Valentines?
Like during the Christmas and New Year's eve, I let Mugen and Darkstar frolic the places I once called home. On the dance floor, we learned how lonely people pretending to be tough disarm themselves when they find someone stronger than them. The dance partner I chose last night had this boundless energy that kept me bouncing and prancing until my legs hurt. I thought he was simply there for the dance but when he pulled my shirt closer to his body, I knew he wanted more.
Suddenly I was reminded of a time when it was me who leaned my head against someone's back. The emotional troubles were simply too much to bear that to press a part of me against somebody was enough to claim a slice of my strength back.
Now it was someone else and when he groped his arms around my body, I responded with even a tighter hug to make him feel needed. He pressed his face against my chest hard enough to let me feel the troubles of his heart. I felt his loneliness; his inner longing for a savior despite being in the company of (fuck) friends. The night concluded with us making out while being surrounded by envious and snooty people looking for their rightful one on the dance floor. When he turned his back to check his buddies, (who took pictures of us while kissing and groping in front of them) I made a hasty exit without saying goodbye. My two needy invisible companions had their fill and getting someone's number wasn't necessary to prolong the deed.
I went to work recalling how Valentines were done in elementary after passing a queue of pupils on their way for their first communion the following morning.
Back then, a pupil would have to dodge a swarm of vendors selling long-stemmed roses and plastic heart necklaces before they can push themselves toward the school gate's entrance. A rose would cost around ten pesos and if you're lucky enough to be given by your sweet mother an extra twenty for your baon, you would spend the extra cash acquiring those flowers and giving them to the teacher of your choice.
The teacher - usually your adviser - receiving your long-stemmed blossom would appreciate the thoughtfulness. She would suddenly express an air of concern whenever she sees you running along the corridor. From then forth, expect your academic interests secured until the school year is over. That is how I learned the fine art of Public Relations. In fourth year college many years later, I was able to use the same tricks to secure a passing grade in Spanish. Apparently, the elderly Senora Soresca never received any flowers from her other students that when he saw me reaching my hand to give her my long stem from Tecson's, it automatically translated to a grade of 3 no matter how many exams I flunked in her class.
Suddenly I missed the days when nobody would greet you "Happy Single Awareness Day" like your well being and sanity depends on having a special someone today.
---
It was Pulsar's turn to run my Valentines according to what he deems ideal.
Immediately after the shift was over, I headed towards the nearby Puregold Supermarket to procure the goods I previously pledged for the Hanap Barkada's Paglingap Outreach Activity. If Mugen finds contentment in hugs and kisses from cute strangers and Darkstar enjoys seeing other heads crane towards his direction whenever he shows up in front of people, Pulsar's satisfaction needs are way up higher than my two other egos. His requirements this time would include two bundles of 11 pieces adult diapers, one 12-roll toilet paper, 5 kilos of detergent soap, and two rolls of cotton. I didn't check how much it cost me, but the sheer enjoyment of doing something selfless for others was enough to compensate for the financial lost.
Pulsar and I delivered the goods all the way to Pasay without any assistance from anyone. We did some tricky balancing act passing narrow aisles inside jeeps and buses and endured seeing couples all over the place busily expressing their love for one another. Had I been a little focused on my state of miserable singlehood, I would never go out to be seen by others in the first place.But this occasion is different. Seven years; Three failed successive relationships; One chance to enjoy a Valentines I always had in mind. This year may not be the same Valentines I will be celebrating in the years to come.
Because things will continue to change and what truly matters is now.
So I made a decision to go full throttle. It will be the most expensive Valentines Date I will give to people closest to me.
---
8:30 PM, Greenwich Quiapo Hidalgo
"Miss yung Family Pizza Overload please."
"Would that be all sir?"
"Yes, how long would it take before I can get my order."
"13 minutes sir, okay lang ba sa inyo?"
"Yep, ikot lang ako sa labas. Balik na lang ako."
"Okay sir."
---
9 PM 7-Eleven Santa Mesa
"Magkano yung [?]gallon ng Rocky Road?"
"250 po."
"Ah eh, sandali lang ha withdraw muna ako."
After balancing the family size pizza and yawning wallet on my right hand while sliding the ATM card on the machine slot, I was able to withdraw 200 pesos from my account.
"Heto yun 100."
---
Ten minutes later.
"Oi pa-valentines ko sa inyo. Enjoy sa pizza at ice cream!!!"
Dates, Lovers and Friends may come and go. But to welcome the occasion with your family and the needy is I think the most sublime way of celebrating Valentines Day.
