Ringworld | Putomaya

Imagination sets the stage for this blog to exist. I compare the journey to a colony ship sailing the space between stars to carry the seeds of expression to a distant world. The planet landing was my first entry. It may appear more like a writing exercise but the free-flow of thoughts was a liberating experience. The earliest blog entries spoke about friendship. It was the Odders. Though I may appear more of a wallflower in our little gatherings, I was their chronicler. Many years later, when everyone else in the group closed down their blogs, it was through me that our memories gained immortality. I began as a follower of a bandwagon. I ended up challenging time to scrutinize my work.

Many would ask why I do I write. What happiness do I gain in keeping histories even if it takes two to four hours to weave a story. Answers reveal ambiguity. There is no true reason for writing. I just enjoy it. The blog owes it existence to the constant downplay of my potentials. I look down on my words and styles so that I may be challenged to change it. I break down walls to see a bigger life beyond my sexuality. I took great pains to evolve and pretend that nobody ever reads me. I even turn down my stirrings of publishing a book, so that the blog itself would continue to live on because of my struggles.

And so the blog thrives six years after its stellar glimmer first caught attention in this part of space.

As some bloggers contemplate on closing down their online realms, (for one reason or another) while others turn them into a money-generating machine (with their contents becoming less and less engaging) I continue to adhere to expression and creativity. It must be the reason why I gain followers even if I don't usually leave my presence when reading other blogs. It's been a long journey I tell you. Even my words have changed after years and years of persistent writing.

But I guess there is no stopping. So long as there is a story worth sharing and so long as there is someone out there who longs to write their stories - to express themselves in wind whispers, - then I will continue to serve and become a motivator for these people to write.

For the goal of writing is not really to impress, or gain monetary rewards or being read by people. Such rewards come with time, humility and maturity. Writing is an artistic creation worthy of permanence. It is a method of expression that liberates the soul. It doesn't matter if words are flawed or other writers seem so mighty, that one feels they should never take their place. I've been to gatherings where rubbing elbows with prominent bloggers is unavoidable. I exchange pleasantries with dot.com masters and online demi-gods with a sense of insecurity and awkwardness at the back of my head.

Funny how I see myself as someone small even if the blog reveals having 76 followers (which I religiously follow and read in between my writing breaks)

It's because no matter where I find myself and no matter how many recognitions and complements I receive because of Mugenblog, I always look back at the first entry and remember how such simple act of posting juvenile thoughts online would actually lead to planet -wide reverberations.

Thank you for reading.

"This is the first time I'll be posting in my blog. Phew, it was a very long time since I did this journal thing. Maybe its time to move on... everybody's doing it so why can't I?

I can't remember who said it but when a friend posted at the Yahoo Groups that my friends would get bored posting their thoughts at the online message board, a sudden bite of reality caught me. Everybody's migrating already and I guess it's also time for me to go. No matter what assurance I get from them, I think that the exodus bound to happen. I dunno but the migration thing really got me.

I was quite shocked with what happened to Henry lately. I never thought his buddy would play tricks behind his back. Sabagay, in this kind of life, those things are most likely to happen. The thing is, no matter how I deny it, there's something in me that's kinda worried with what his bud has done to him. Parang naiisip ko what if my bud did those things to me. Shempre, I would become helpless. Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na I will move on and return to being a fucker mode, it would definitely destroy everything that I've built for the past 10 months. Sana totoo ngang seryoso ang bud ko sa akin. I'm already looking forward in sharing a future with him and I hope he'll never fuck the chance to enjoy a life with me.

Anyway that's all for now. I have to prepare for the contingent this evening. Maybe I'll post back again proximus. It's nice to see you back."

Colony Ship Landed
February 24, 2004

Time Space Warp

If there is one wish I have tonight, it is to fall asleep and soon open my eyes standing in front of you. The first thing that will greet my arrival is your big smile. Perhaps, despite our strangeness, you will sense the common beat of our hearts. The blood which passes through your tiny veins, is the same blood that sprouts from my finger when I prick it with a needle. You will never feel any animosity towards my presence, for deep down you know we have always been one.

Of course, your maid will be alarmed. She will grab you by the arm and put you behind her back. Your dad, who took shot of your picture will immediately confront me. I maybe years older than him, but I will never match his fierceness. He was a thug before you were born. Whoever is in the house - your mom, aunts, or even grandparents will surround me. They will ask who I am and where I came from. No matter what excuses I tell, they will never buy it. My fear is that the more they get agitated, the more I will get the attention of neighbors. I might be in for a gang-up, which often happen in our neighborhood before.

As I write this entry, I wonder if you will really sense our connection. Will you cry and call your mommy the moment I attempt to carry you? Will you wiggle your body and kick your feet in the air when I hug you by the waist? Will you know that it is me who showed up one afternoon whose sole intention is to take you out and make you feel like a privileged child for a change?

I am willing to show all my identification cards to your parents - but they will never believe me. Who would buy the idea of a mid-twenties guy going back in time to borrow their two-year old firstborn and take out for a stroll. It's totally absurd - even for a fiction story. They will never listen to my plea, especially your mom who still checks me out whenever I go out at night.

However, if I do get their permission; if they entrust you to my care

I swear to God, I'd make you the happiest toddler in the world.

Given that I only have an afternoon to spend with you - just the two of us - what will I do?

Will I bring you to Santa Clara to give thanks to our patron? Would you want us to eat at McDonalds, Jollibee or in that Magnolia Ice Cream Parlor along Aurora Boulevard? Can you finish your own Spaghetti, French Fries and Cheeseburger all by yourself or should we share it together? The truth is, I do not know how to take care of a two year old.

I never had one.

But just for you kid, I'd be the best guardian I could ever be in this life.

I do not know if there is any Shoemart in your time, but I heard that the Rustan's Department Store is already built out there in the flatlands of Ayala Avenue. If you want, I'd put you on my back and walk around Luneta all afternoon. We would go watch the sunset at the bay together and buy you all the balloons that you want to be tied around your wrist. I'd buy you all the clothes that you need at Good Earth Emporium and Manila COD in Avenida. The toys that your small hands would grab will be all yours with just a smile on your face.

I'd spoil your whims and desires. I'd be the big brother that you wish you ever had. Had I known how to drive, I wouldn't mind renting an Isuzu Gemini and do a joyride around the city where the word traffic still doesn't appear on newspaper bulletins. I'd leave marks of our encounter, which I know, you will figure out as you age in life.

Alas, our time is short and like the brief glimmer of a late-afternoon sun that is about to hide behind the clouds. I would have to return you home to your mom and dad who are waiting for our arrival. They would be worried of course, but with all the toys and clothes that I bought for you - and the pasalubong for them, it is my hope that they would feel relieved and thankful for my presence.

I will exit your timeline with lasting memories of our stroll. When I return to my own time, I will long for the smoothness and softness of your skin. I will miss carrying you around in my arms and on my back. I will miss hugging you. Many empty nights will pass and your voice still echoes in my ears. Your giggles, your cries and your laughter will be the song that will feed my soul. As the thoughts of you keep flooding in, perhaps my desire to have a kid would grow too strong that I'd turn my back from who I am before I went to see you.

As you grow old and become a man like me, it is my wish that you will never suffer an adult life worse than mine. I hope that when you reach the expressways that I missed, you will never miss the ramps that lead to those many-laned roads.

I would be happy to know that my presence made a big impact, but at a tender age like yours,

I doubt if you will ever remember me.

You may not recall our dream-like encounter nor the treat I gave you. The toys we bought at the department stores will be all broken when you reach the age I suddenly thought of getting your photo from my baby album and began writing about you. Yet, in the quietness of space and the restlessness of time; when you look up at the sky at night, or stare at sunsets whenever you take a break from work, maybe,

just maybe you will remember my voice echoing inside your head.

For when you reach the age of 27, you would wish you have given more love to yourself instead of giving it away to others. You would wish you have a son to look after like how I am willing to spend an afternoon looking after you.

You would wish you have been tougher, wiser and more engaging with the things around you.

When you reach the age I will be turning today and never really felt how to have a life for yourself, it is my longing that our brief imaginary encounter will always ring a sweet tune to your heart.



In the silence of Mugenspace.


Thank you God for a year well spent


Happy Birthday... Joms

As The Final Hour Falls

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it.

- Jericho, The Longest-Running-Whatever of my Entire Gay Life

---

Maulap ang kalangitan at nagbabadyang bumuhos ang ulan noong hapong iyon. Malamig sa aking workstation at tumaon namang nakalubog muli sa putik ang mood ko. Habang pilit inaangat ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipag-usap sa mga kaibigan sa Yahoo Messenger, isang text message ang natanggap ko mula sa isang taong buong desperasyon kong pilit iniiwasan.

Si ex.

"Asawa ko bakit hindi ka po nagpaparamdam sa akin? Masama po ang pakiramdam ko at nilalagnat po ako ngayon. Sana makapunta ka dito at maabutan mo ako ng pera pambili ng gamot. Pasensya na po sa abala."

Kung ang text message na ito ay natanggap ko noong sinaunang panahon, hindi ako magdadalawang isip dumayo ng napakalayo upang iabot sa kanya ang pera na pambili ng gamot. Nagawa ko na ito minsan at umuwi akong durog ang puso matapos ang panic at pag-aalala. Kasabay nito ang pagkagising sa katotohanang ni minsan ay hindi ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya sa tuwing ako naman ang may karamdaman.

Higit na sumadsad ang aking mood matapos matanggap ang kanyang text message. Naroon ang pag-aalala, ang pagka-badtrip, ang pagdududa, at ang pakiramdam ng pagkagamit. Sawang sawa na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon at laging ako ang talo - sa pera at effort - sa tuwing siya ang agrabyado.

Matapos magyosi sa banyo, bumalik ako sa workstation upang nagvent-out kay Squarepants na una kong nakausap sa Yahoo.

Marahil ay dahil sa gulo na rin ng isip, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga nasabi ko. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilan pang mga kaibigan ang hiningan ko ng payo tungkol sa aking emotional crisis. Naroon si Philander, si Rico, si Pinuno - at si Dabo na siyang huli kong nakausap ilang oras matapos ang shift. Malinaw sa akin na awa na lang ang natitira sa aming relasyon at alam kong hindi ito sapat upang tumagal pa kami gaya ng lagi kong pinapanalangin sa tuwing nadadayo ako sa simbahan.

---

Ilang linggo na ang nakakaraan nang sabihin ko kay ex na nasira ang phone ko. Sabi ko sa kanya na maari akong makatanggap ng text message, subalit hindi ako makakareply dito. Nasambit ko ang dahilang ito upang maiwasan niya ang pagtetext ng mga sweet nothings sa tuwing magpapadala siya ng text message sa akin. Sobrang sakit kasi ang maramdaman na ang mga sweet nothings na ito ay wala nang tama sa puso ko.

At higit na masakit ang magreply dito na walang laman ang bawat sinasabi mo.

Namimiss po kita.
Sana magkayakap na po tayo.
Mahal na mahal po kita.

Paano mo mararamdaman ang mga bagay na ito kung ang tanging nagpapatakbo sa inyong relasyon ay pera? Paano mo mamimiss ang isang tao kung ang tanging dahilan niyo upang mag-usap ay upang makinig ka at magpayo sa kanyang mga issues na sa totoo'y wala naman direktang kinalaman sa iyo?

Tumagal kami ng taon na hindi ko nalalaman kung saang mga bagay kami nagkakasundo.

---

"I don't want to see him. I want him completely out of my life." Reply ko kay Dabo sa chat nang tanungin niya ako kung may pag-asa pa ba kaming maging magkaibigan ni ex. Marahil ay ikinagulat niya ito sapagkat sa tuwing nag-uusap kami tungkol sa problemang relasyon ay ni minsan ay hindi ako naging matigas pagdating sa gusto kong mangyari sa aming dalawa.

Pumatak ang bawat minuto na parang nag-iintay ako ng delubyo. The lull before the storm, ang sabi ko nga sa isang kausap sa chat. Sampung minuto bago mag-alas diyes, nakatanggap ako ng text message, muli, sa taong iniiwasan ko. Dito na nagsisimula ang komprontasyon at sa isip ko, handa ko nang isugal ang lahat para sa aking kalayaan.

"Nagkasakit na ako at lahat hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa akin."

Gamit ang cellphone ng katrabaho, bumawi ako sa text niya.

"Baon na ako sa utang at problema, isasabit mo pa ang sarili mo."

"Ah ganun, simula ngayon hindi na ako magpaparamdam sa iyo." Ito ang naintindihan ko sa kanyang reply. Sa totoo, pilit ko pa ring iniiwasan makipag-prangkahan sa kanya.

"Huwag ka mag-alala. Pagkatapos ng trimester, isasauli ko na ang laptop at lahat ng binigay mo sa akin." Pagkabasa ng text message na ito, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob gumawa ng opensiba.

"Mabuti pa siguro magpalamig muna tayo. Hindi na maganda ang nangyayari sa atin."

"Ano ibig mo sabihin, wala na tayo?"

"Ang sabi ko, huwag muna tayong mag-usap. Pag-isipan muna natin ang mga bagay-bagay. Huwag ka na magreply, ibabalik ko na ang phone sa may-ari."

Sadyang palaban ang kausap ko. Pilit man niya sigurong umasa na magiging mabuti pa ang mga bagay sa aming dalawa, nararamdaman rin niya ang aming katapusan."

"Diretsuhin mo ako, ayoko ng nakabitin..."

Napaisip ako ng ilang minuto. Alam kong wala na akong stake sa aming relasyon at hangad ko na ang lumaya. Sa kabilang banda, ayaw ko naman siyang isuko hangga't hindi namin natatapos ang kanyang pag-aaral.

Masyadong marami na kasi akong isinugal makita lamang ang kanyang tagumpay.

Ibabalik ko na sana ang phone nang bigla kong naalala ang tagubilin ni Mami Athena nang minsang magtawag ng cool-off si ex at ako naman ay dali-daling dumiretso ng Cubao matapos ang shift upang magpakalasing sa bakuran ng aking nanay-nanayan.

"Isipin mo na lang ano ang sasabihin ng nanay mo, matapos ka niyang dinala ng siyam na buwan sa sinapupunan kung malalaman niya na sinasayang mo ang buhay at kasiyahan mo sa iisang tao lamang."

Tama si Mami. Magunaw man ang mundo, gumawa man ng eskandalo ang taong iiwanan ko, papanig pa rin ang aking ina sa akin.

Namumutla at nanginginig man ang kanang kamay, dahan-dahan kong tinype sa screen ang aking pamamaalam. Ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na ako ang makipag-split up, subalit sa pagkakataong ito, makakabuti sa aming dalawa ang paghihiwalay.

"Paalam, Break na tayo."

Message sent.

10:07 pm, October 1, 2008. Natamo ko ang aking kalayaan.

Hindi na kami nag-usap matapos noon at gumawa ako ng mga paraan upang hindi niya ako marating, anuman ang kanyang gawin. Isang linggo matapos ang mga pangyayari, laman pa rin ng isip ko ang kanyang pagbabalik. Ito'y nanunuot na pangamba na sa tuwing naiisip ko'y nagiging dahilan ng aking panghihina.

Isang linggo matapos makamit ang kalayaan,

sa totoo'y hindi ko pa rin alam paano mamuhay ng malaya.

Famous Last Words

"Paalam, Break na tayo."













---

In my three relationships, this is the first time I called the shots.
The battle for emancipation begins.
Patnubayan kami nawa.

The Market Crash Of June '07

"Tol nasaan ka na?" My phone buzzed sending me this text message.

"Nasa jeep na bro. Malapit na ako sa inyo." I texted back, defying the potential snatchers that might be lurking inside the same jeep I was riding.

The clouds heaved with raindrops when I arrived at his place a few minutes later. It was past four o'clock, and was weary from having to spend the previous hour looking for hook-ups in the chat rooms. Before me and my contact sealed our engagement, I was suppose to have an eyeball with another friend, who for dubious reasons canceled our meeting at the last minute. With his sudden retreat, I was left looking for ways to spend the time that was allotted for his schedule. Unfortunately, his absence triggered my tendency to become restless when I was left with nothing else to do.

After waiting for several minutes, my contact arrived. He was around 5'6, lean and had fair skin. He was sporting a red cap, which made him look hotter after he showed me his nakedness in the webcam when we were chatting earlier. He told me to follow him to his place a few apartments from the spot where we met. When I arrived, our third wheel was waiting for us.

We agreed during our chat that we will have a free-for-all sex. It meant that anything may happen during the course of my stay. Bearing the gains I achieved after my first Bath house experience a week earlier, I was confident that I will not be rejected by my host. In fact, I even looked down on our third wheel for being too effeminate for my taste. He was chatting on the computer and was still looking for a potential fourth wheel when we entered the room.

I put my bag beside the dining table while my host went directly to the smaller room to continue watching the Buzz. Meanwhile, I tried to reach out to our lanky third wheel, but he seemed too preoccupied with his meat-hunting in the chat rooms to even acknowledge my presence. As for me, it doesn't matter if the kid wasn't interested, the feeling was mutual and what I aimed for was to get the attention of our host.

As a token accommodation, I lighted a stick of Marlboro Lights given to me by our third wheel. In between breaks from his chatting, he had hushed conversations with our host who was still watching the showbiz show inside his room. It appeared that they knew each other before I came. I really wanted to join them, but since I came there for a hook-up, I decided to amuse myself by guessing what their next move would be.

They continued talking. The more their voices became weaker, the more I felt the intimacy forming between them. I tried to look at what they're doing, but their entwined bodies blocked my view. Their heads seemed too close to one another and their awkward position made me more curious. Were they're starting the fun all by themselves without me? I don't know. To satisfy my curiosity, I stood up from my chair to check out what they were doing.

They were just talking.

"Ok ka lang diyan ha?" The host asked me.

"Yup, ok lang ako..." Even if beads of sweat rolled over my face.

"Padating na yung isa pa nating kasama. Naliligo lang." He assured me, coldly.

I tried to keep my cool despite the overwhelming boredom I felt while waiting for the other guy to arrive. You see, despite the gains I made at Club Bath, the truth was, I exercised complete discretion over the person who would become my partner there. In the end, the only one I found worthy to be my mate abandoned me.

I wasn't even able to cum that night.

With my all-powering libog preventing me to think clearly, what I sought from my engagement was pure fuck. I joined them not to have pleasantries, but to express my repressed lust and nothing more. But the longer I waited for the action to begin, the more I became anxious of the outcome of the hook-up. As for the host and the third wheel, they took advantage of the lull to get comfortable with one another. How unfortunate that while I was waiting for them to start the fun, they were actually plotting my downfall.

After two hours of waiting, the fourth wheel finally arrived. In fairness, a toned, dark-skinned masculine kid was worth the wait. We were introduced, but I felt that he wasn't interested to see me too. Meanwhile, the host started asking us what do next. It was followed by the customary silence that often happens when three or more people are engaged in a sexual activity.

To those who are unfamiliar with threesomes and orgies, this is what you call the "testing the waters" phase. Everyone waits for the first person who will call the shots. In our case, the three of them seemed to get along together, while I, who waited hours for the action to begin was slowly being left out.

The lights were turned off and the dark-skinned guy began fondling the lanky kid. I set my attention to the host, who was a year older than me. He took off his shirt and I began playing with his nipples. He wasn't responding favorably to my advances, but instead was enviously looking at the two kids who made out like rabbits across from our spot.

When I was about to touch his... he sighed and pushed me away as if to get something elsewhere. The two others stopped what they're doing and lights were turned on.

"Was there a problem?" I asked the host.

"Wait lang dude ha, kausapin ko lang yung isang friend ko." He answered without looking into my eyes.

There were soft murmurs after our brief pause, then the lanky guy showed a text message to the the dark-skinned moreno kid who was at that moment putting back his underwear on.

Then there was silence...

...which served as the queue to execute a verdict they already made when the host and the lanky kid were talking inside the other room earlier.

"Nood na lang ako sa inyong tatlo. The host suggested

"Ganun, bakit naman?" The moreno kid complained.

And then there was a long pause among the three of them. The host then looked at our third wheel's eyes, who at that time nodded to express his approval on what the host was about to say.

"Hindi ka namin bet tatlo." He told me straight. "Sorry ha."

In one gulp, I swallowed everything that he said. I saw it coming with the way they were trying to alienate me while waiting for the moreno guy to arrive. Stubborn as it may seem, but I kept insisting on getting a share of the fun. In the end, I got nothing. Their decision was extremely harsh, but had I been in their position, I would have showed my hesitation too. My only complain was they should at least had the balls to tell me their reservations earlier, so my wait would not end in vain.

Defeated, I put on my undies, shorts and shirt without looking at the host and then quietly left his place bringing with me what remained of my pride. After he closed the door, I heard the two kids behind him giggling as the lights in their room were turned off again.

And it wasn't the end of my misfortune that evening. For in my pathetic attempts to claim my shattered pride, I was also one way-ed by my next contact I met in the same chat room.

To think I took a cab from Sampaloc to Tayuman just to catch up with them.

---

It was Karma on my part and I paid a heavy price for it. I threw my weight around at Club Bath without any regards to the feelings of guys I rejected. Then it was my turn to be rejected twice that weekend. If there was any concession from the rejection, it drove me to become very serious with my work-out, which I am now enjoying the fruits today. When I look back at what happened, I still ask myself where did I go wrong.

Was it my distant and aloof attitude?
Was it because I was chubby and not really visually appealing to them - knowing that my rivals were kids?
Was it because I appeared so wasted that my market value slumped without me being aware of the crash?

Sadly, I will never know the answer.

Several weeks later, I met the guy who earlier canceled our meet-up that lead to my utter humiliation. He was Tagay mo Par, and much as I would like to romanticize our second encounter, it ended in a consummated make-out scene inside a billiard bar's bathroom. When I think of his contributions today, I still owe him my rebound, for he made me feel that I didn't deserve to be rejected at all.

Life went on after Tagay. But after him, I vowed never to let myself fall into such pits of desperation again - especially if the cause of such rejection came from my blind desire to address my untamed libog. The second and last time I allowed myself to fall six months later, I deleted my G4M account to finally emancipate myself from such very sick cycle.

Much as I am dying to get back and tell those guys who rejected me straight to their faces that "hindi ko rin sila bet," I guess there is no use saying those words now. Lessons have been learned and I've been vindicated many times over. The passage of time also allowed me to forgive those heartless souls.

The story which I kept for a long time has been told. The only path available now is to move on and never let anyone I know suffer the same shame I had to endure.

Indeed, what goes around, will eventually, come around.

One year after it all happened.

---

It would stir humility and heightened sensitivity, especially if I would face such disturbingly familiar scene in the future.

Indeed we need to be knocked hard for us to wake up from an illusion we desire to dwell on.

In my case, I was knocked not only once, but twice just to wake-up from my grand impressions of superiority.

And even if the pain has not sunk yet, I am glad that I was knocked with a direct hit.

For I discovered that there is determination to rise up in the face of utter defeat.

- Fallen From Grace, June 24, 2007

In Dominus' Passing

Now I understand why I have become faithless these past few days. I noticed it from the way I get distracted when I pray the rosary at night or when my meanness reasserts itself whenever a person annoys me. I found out while checking the contents of my bag this afternoon that Dominus - the small stuffed brown puppy was missing. His disappearance was already anticipated, but I never thought it would be this swift.

You see, not only does my alter-egos exist in the blog. I also carry them around in my pocket or in the bag wherever I go. These sub-personalities, which manifest themselves as tiny stuff toys are my mojos. They tend to exert their influence in situations where I needed them most.

For example, I carry Darkstar when I travel to places far from home. His presence toughens my emotional resolve to detach from my loved ones. Mugen, who is Mister Bean's teddy sits inside a mug given to me by my partner during our first anniversary. The mug, which I dropped and got broken a few years ago is placed in my so-called personal altar found at the heart of my bookcase. Finally, Pulsar, which manifest itself as Patrick Starfish is kept hanging inside the closet. The three of them keeps me company that is why I rarely feel lonely even at times of solitude.

Now Dominus, who describes himself as deeply spiritual and is prone to believe in superstition exerts himself by being placed inside my bag. His presence reminds me to show act of kindness especially to strangers. Dominus also serves as the seal that keeps my horny demons from taking over. He bears witness to my divine promise never to become the promiscuous Kitsune again.

Unfortunately, an "incident" happened a few weeks ago.

And it was followed by the coloring book story with the same person last week.

I tried my best to resist all temptation knowing that my word is at stake. But with all the frustrations of relationship bearing down on me, I decided to let go of my urges and for once, let others make me feel that I'm needed - even if such need came in the form of sexual gratification.

After the deed was committed, silence fell between me and Dominus. Then he went quietly missing, maybe never to be found again.

Much as I would like to think that the little stuffed puppy was just misplaced in my workstation or was accidentally inserted inside the laundry, which I take home after my work out. I believe that his disappearance was directly connected to the vow that I have broken a few weeks ago. His lost directly ceases my supernatural outlook in life, as well as the gift to appreciate the many unexplainable events that happen around us.

As I begin to pick up the pieces and proceed to seek a new alter-ego that will replace Dominus, I wonder if it's really essential to rely on mojos to strengthen my philosophies in life. Maybe they are not necessary.

Maybe they do.

But one thing that I have learned from keeping them around is that no matter where I find myself and no matter where I choose to go, so long as my inner childhood remains close to me,

I feel like the stuff toys' presence open my eyes to the little wonders I stumble in life.

---

And you think I am the only one who keeps little stuff toys inside my bag huh? Wait till you discover what Mami Athena aka Deracinee hides inside her handbag.

Infinity Of The Moment (Two Eight Ball Remix)

Note: I wrote this entry some five years ago. Life revolves around the Outsiders, which is my only PLU group back then. Many things have changed after Dodong moved to another place, but that sunset on the Orion Deck had endured in my memory.

It was indeed a moment destined to be remembered for infinity.

I have written too many good entries this May. As a fitting end to a month full of meanings and realizations, I choose this entry to be my closing while celebrating life as it enters a new moon tomorrow.

Remembering all the good things we shared together Dodong, this entry is for you.

---

Looking below at such breathtaking height of the 37th floor viewing deck, the world bows under my feet. Strange, but I feel that this is a surreal revelation of my recurring daydreams; a fleeting moment that I have to toil for many years if I wish to see again.

Facing a dusty sun, the icy winds from the Sierra Madre mountains blow pass behind my ears, carrying with it lonely voices and stirring some ancient memories inside my head. On my right is the silhouette of Bataan - its towering mountain and the shimmering Manila Bay revealing themselves behind a thin veil of grey clouds. The pumpkin-orange sky changes its color to mauve blue as the city lights begin to flicker around me. From east to west and north to south, everything freezes for a second. The world suddenly becomes a palette of earth colors, as the hands of time move its finger down to another direction.

This will be the last time I set foot on Paragon Plaza, the home of the Outsiders and the sanctuary of Dodong's soul. I admit that I, too had many memories of the place. It was at his pad where I decided to formalize a relationship with a public display of affection - as the drunken Papu dared us to do. It was also at Dodong's pad where we forged a brotherhood that stands strong today.

The pad also witnessed countless self-destruction nights and collective stories of repression being passed around the four cornered walls of Dodong's home. It was here where we discovered ourselves and learned how to be free - despite of what others would think of us. It was here where our friendship had been challenged many times, only to triumph in the face of adversaries.

While helping PJ and Kirsh put Dodong's things inside the carton boxes, I felt this strange apprehension that I will always fear changes. It is a fact that we cannot continue our contingents on our host's new home. We need to find a new spot to extend our happy nights, or return to our old nook along Timog Avenue for sentimental values.

As Dodong's ubiquitous novels and cds were carefully stacked inside the boxes and as the jigsaw portraits were being put down from the walls, flakes of cream white paint falls off. It is like one by one, our memory of the place we have cherished for a timeless moment was being erased right in front of my eyes.

It is all goodbyes now - the pad, the thrills of contingents, the sentimental conversations at the balcony... and the breathtaking view at the Orion deck. At least, I will end the paragon chapter on a happy note and in good tidings with my barkada. No matter where the winds of changes bring us, I know that a part of my heart belongs to Odders.

This afternoon was the first time I saw the sun set from Paragon Plaza. The slow moving vehicles along Edsa slithers like a vicious snake across the city. New bamboo-like skyscrapers in Makati and Ortigas, with lattices and cranes suspended on top of these structures compete to reach the sky. I wonder if in their arrogance, they would end up like the Tower of Babel crashing back to the earth someday. The endless blue waters of Manila Bay remain calm and sober, while the Laguna De Bay, which I used to point every contingent night to someone i am having a conversation with, is covered by thick rain clouds.

Forbes Park hides under a canopy of old trees, like the mythical Lothlorien surrounded by a concrete jungle known as Makati. Fort Bonifacio, has been stripped of its emerald jewels. The only visible scars are the barren soil and the vast open spaces with warehouse-like complexes bannering signs of progress. Espana Tower along with the PLDT Transmitter is shrouded by smog rising above the residential districts of Sampaloc and Sta Mesa. Finally, the last rays of sunlight penetrate the spaces between the proud and lonely condominiums of Ermita casting a long dark shadow stretching some miles away from these stately monoliths.

If only I had a camera... I would like to preserve this passing moment for eternity...

Three minutes, five seconds and a little chat with Dodong later, everything was eaten by the darkness.

It's how fleeting life is;

It's how everything changes in a blink of an eye.

Dusk Over Purgatorio

There comes a crossroad in a confused man's life when he have to choose whether to come out to the light, or continue to hide in the darkness of his cramped closet. Many souls take years or even decades before they could accept their true sexual preference. Others embrace it unconsciously while doing the deed all non-straight men do. I don't know how others found their way into the fold, but mine was stirred by a single comic book and opened my eyes to the possibilities of being a proud homosexual person.

It was almost eight years ago when it all happened, one afternoon while doing my duties as an on-the-job trainee in a daily newspaper.

I was assigned to the Lifestyle Section of the broadsheet, Manila Times. Barely a week after my tour of duty had begun, my first assignment was to arrange the photos and their write-ups sent by PR firms according to the day they will come out of the newspaper. Mondays are for arts and crafts, while Tuesdays are for food and restaurants. I believe it was Thursdays when they feature books and other activities related to literature.

Behind the editor's desk were magazines and books sent to her by publishing companies across the country. There were thick ones devoted for landscape design and home improvement and thin ones for culinary arts. There were also several novels written by Filipinos, but I was too engrossed in Journalism then to notice these works. While arranging them, a booklet, no thicker than my mouse pad fell out from the collection. It immediately caught my attention because this booklet was not your ordinary material, but a graphic comic book for that matter.

I picked it up so I can have a closer inspection. The design cover was all black, with dark yellow prints and two men in its front cover. No one will ever assume that the book I was holding was actually a gay literature. No, I was simply too ignorant to be aware of them.

Curiosity got hold of me, so I opened the booklet and began reading the first page. I remember the story starting at the middle - in medias res - just before the climax. Two guys were confronting each other over something. One was a thin guy with a slight hint of femininity, while the other, a stocky looking brute packed with muscles and a brash attitude. It was raining and the opening drama took place on an open field where grasses grow as tall at the main characters.

The comic book One Night in Purgatory was Carlo Vergara's first graphic novel. It tells a story of two men, Deio and Casey who have been close friends since childhood. When Deio "came out" in college, Casey was very supportive despite his low regard for homosexuality. Soon after a turning point in their friendship, Casey and Deio parted ways and strove to go on with their lives. Two years later, Casey begins to reach out to Deio and tries to pick up from where they left. On that reunion night, they exorcise the demons bred by their two-year separation, and learn the valuable lessons of friendship, acceptance, forgiveness, and love.

I do not remember much about the story - except the images of the hunky Deio howling and jeering while a sexy female entertainer danced on top of their table, and of Casey who quietly honed his artistic gifts and occasionally thinks of his best friend Deio. Like what I've said, I was too ignorant to understand then. Nonetheless, I got this impression that something intimate happened between the two of them for Casey to scream at Deio and make him realize that doing it with another guy makes him no different from all gay guys. Their one-night intimacy had opened the possibilities for Deio to accept homosexual relationships.

I was stunned after reading the novel and how I wish I whisked it inside my bag instead of putting it back where it came from. Lucky for me, no one was around to witness my awakening. You see, back then, I never thought that one can be gay and still retain his masculinity. Only the effeminate stereotypes dominated my thoughts.

A few months after reading the comic book, I began taking bold steps that would lead to the adoption of my new sexual preference. There is the Borderline crossing, where I dared myself to acquire my first man to man VCD under the watchful eyes of the Carriedo LRT Station.

A year later, I had my first man to man kiss courtesy of a guy I met from the first "Bisexual" eyeball I attended in Pinoyexchange. It was also the first time I became heavily infatuated with a guy, that I had to break up with my girlfriend for us to see each other more often. It was also the first time I had SEB just to get back at a love that was unrequited,

Finally, it was also the first time I met Carlo Vergara in the flesh and told him how his brilliant work transformed me.

Looking back, I have lived in my own purgatory ever since childhood. I knew that the homosexual tendencies were there, but I suppressed it violently because no one, not even me could imagine turning into a parlorista just to fit into the homosexual mold. Who would have thought that its end would come the day I discovered Vergara's novel.

I guess not even hell or heaven could tell what my life could have been, had Purgatory not slipped from the books I was carrying that fateful afternoon.

---

Carlo Vergara's Blogspot

Ship Of No Return

And we all agree to grant your wish and buy you the laptop of your dreams.

I am sure that when you receive the package, you will be the happiest man alive. You would show your new toy to your colleagues, brag it to your classmates, and make your housemate very jealous of your blessing. They would all ask you who bought the laptop. I imagine you say, "just a close friend" or something close to that. Your answer would make them speculate that it was your mystery Papa who bought it for you. Their suspicion would make you blush, but to save face, you would deny his existence. You would say you borrowed money from a close friend or a distant relative, and then you asked a friend to buy the laptop for you in Gilmore.

Good answer.

But before I turn it over to you, do you want to know how me and my associates came to a decision? Do you want to hear our sides, now that you have convinced me that there is no other way but to give in to your wishes? You have longed for this day as far as I can remember. You said you're tired of spending the entire night in an Internet Cafe, or in my room just to finish your report in school the following day.

Here are their answers.

Darkstar was against the idea. You're just my boyfriend for Christ's sake. I won't give up my money for my sister's needs - I'd let her work hard for it. But you, of all the people would be able to tap into my resources effortlessly. You've been tapping on mine ever since our relationship began right? Don't you ever wonder why we never go out anymore? It's the trade-off I had to do to support you and still don't feel bitter about what I did.

Pulsar agreed the moment the idea sprouted like a fungi inside my head. He said you deserve my support because you're doing a good job in school. You never showed me your class cards, but the sacrifice you are willing to give up - like doing your homework whenever you're in my home after coming from school, or cramming at the library or at work a few hours before your exams tell me that you're worth the investment. It doesn't come cheap you know, and my God, I'm going to make a lot of sacrifices until next year to pay up for your laptop. Pulsar doesn't expect you to remember this deed long after you have succeeded in your endeavor. But, it doesn't concern me anymore. After all, I can still claim that I'm growing despite having to give up so many things for you.

Dominus, of course supported the idea. He said that "everything that would make a person succeed in his lofty goals must be supported no matter what the cost." Like Pulsar, he also sees your determination to finish your studies. "Hard work like what he does should be rewarded," he explained. "As for your own sacrifice, it is already noted in the annals of karma."

I'd like to laugh sarcastically at his sugar coated explanations. But since he is always in my thoughts lately, who am I to question his biddings?

Of the four of them who took part in the decision making, it was Mugen who felt very sad before agreeing to the idea. I have to admit that the rift between us is growing bigger each day. I felt it the moment you have forgotten our fifth year last month. Besides, Mugen feels that what we have is not healthy for us anymore. We never open up to each other - except when you have problems at work, school, family or even your finances. There are times I would feel that our relationship revolves around money - and your aim to achieve your materialistic dreams. The love part only comes in hallowed words you say or in the mechanical intimacies we have when you're beside me. I hate to admit it, but sometimes, I'm not even interested to see you anymore. Do you know why? It's because I feel that every meeting we have; every act of intimacy we do has something to do with your personal goals. It's not us anymore.

It is you.

But a promise is a promise. I kept my word that I'd stick by your side so long as you're getting closer to that diploma you're aiming. Who would have thought that of all the people that became part of my life, you'd be a scholar in a university that I've never gotten into. It must be your calling and as your partner - your ever devoted boyfriend. I should be there to pull you up, even at my own expense. I think this is my own calling. It's my family's legacy to help others reach their goals of finishing their studies...

... even if we are the ones who'd always getting left behind.

You will get your laptop. I just hope that I'd find something that is within my intended budget. Don't worry, I wouldn't ask for a single centavo from you. In return, expect that I would not come to your aid anymore. We just figured out that the money I give up to support you is almost enough to pay the monthly bill for buying your laptop. You're on your own now, and I think this is the best for us. You will learn from standing on your own feet.

But since you don't have a need to see me anymore every week when you ask me to go to your office and deliver my assistance,

and since you don't need to stay home overnight to use my computer whenever you needed to do your projects.

I guess, this is as distant as we could get. I'd praise heavens when I suddenly find you at my doorstep telling me that you'd like to stay home just to lay beside me.

I'd surely praise heaven indeed if ever that moment happens.

Much as it pains me to embrace the thought that this is our relationship.

Your laptop will take me a notch closer towards my own emancipation.

It might be the key that would soon set me free.

---

Masakit,
Malungkot,
Ngunit hinding-hindi ko
ipaparamdam sayo ang lahat ng ito.

Journey To The Highlands (The Final Act)

It was almost noon when I came to my senses and realize that I've been washing the dishes and throwing the leftovers all morning. I could not help but get anal the moment I saw flies hovering over the table and dirty pans and utensils stacked on top of one another on the sink. Almost everyone had left, snatching from us who remained the prized butter and chocolate cakes baked by Squarepants the day before.

The PExers who stayed behind were Lostwan, Swimbod, Aeneas, Techsupport and me. We were doing some last-minute house cleaning before checking out of the resort when it suddenly rained. It wasn't our plan to extend our stay. However, when we found out that our funds were insufficient to pay for the cottage rent, Lostwan decided to drive all the way to the poblacion and look for a bank with an ATM machine along the main road. Meanwhile, Aeneas thought of cooking our lunch using leftover ingredients that were intended for an extra dish the night before. It turned out that many PExers who gave their word to join the outing backed out at the last minute. As a result, the food committee brought more supplies than we actually needed.

I fell asleep on the sofa while waiting for Lostwan and Techsupport to return.

In my dream, I saw myself sending a text message to my supervisor telling him that my non-stop journey from Nasugbu and back had taken its toll on my body. I will be absent. He never answered my text, but I knew that he got my message. Meanwhile, with more time at hand, I decided to spend my only summer vacation in a leisurely pace. The dream was cut short when Aeneas woke me up to tell that our lunch is ready.

---

On our final day in Tagaytay, I ate the most hearty meal with several of my closest companions in the group. Raindrops as big as small pebbles was still falling on the roof and its tapping sounds stirred my appetite. Our chief was an expert in using spices to enhance the flavors of the Menudo he cooked. Not only did its sweet aroma filled my lungs, its succulent taste with the generous offerings of pepper, onion and garlic tingled my taste buds. The raw juicy tomatoes and the salty eggs that were supposed to be eaten for breakfast dampened the strong flavors that would have otherwise burned my tongue.

Tummies were full after the meal. The rains have stopped and in its wake came fresh cool breeze that made us more at home among the hills. Since no one was interested to leave yet, we all decided to return to the pool area for a final swim. Finally, I will have my dip after cursing the icy waters the morning before.

Four of us stayed behind to help Lostwan carry the kitchen utensils, pans and other provisions he brought from Manila. Being the leader, he made sure that no one would starve or get thirsty during our overnight stay in Tagaytay. Had I left earlier with the others, I would have missed the best moments of the summer outing. Who would have thought that even though only five of us remained, the last hours of our stay would prove to be the best of them all.

---

So we took a dip in the pool which was already warmed by the earth below.

We took Friendster-perfect pictures of everyone. While some raced from one end of the pool to the other.

Lostwan demonstrated his uncanny ability to do synchronized swimming, which we tried to imitate in vain.

Techsupport, who rarely goes to the pool was persuaded to have a dip.

Aeneas proudly strut around the poolside to show us what the Eclipse Gym experience had done to his body

Finally, Swimbod took the plunge while standing on Lostwan's unbelievably strong shoulders. He was coughing later for the water had entered his nose.

And true to our unspoken word to stay with Lostwan, we remained until the last of his picnic baskets were carried back to the pickup truck he used to drive going to Tagaytay. His two-seater truck could only accommodate the driver and a passenger inside the cabin. That's why Aeneas, Techsupport and I, decided to stay at the open compartment of the pickup in our desire to savor nature before we return to the toxic paradise that is Manila.

We were about to begin our long, sad journey home, when misfortune suddenly smiled on Lostwan's not-so-all-terrain pickup truck.

---

"Sige tulak pa..."

"Hindi talaga kaya, bumuwelo ka ulit sa baba."

"Sumakay kayong lahat sa likod para bumigat yung sasakyan at madaling makaahon sa pagkakalubog."

Frantic words of distress flew between the spectators and the driver after Lostwan's truck got stuck under several inches of mud. The noontime rain showers must have made the trail - the same dark slippery trail that I treaded blindly the night before too soft for vehicles to pass. Unfortunately, the trail was our only way out of the resort.

For more than 30 minutes, the four of us were pushing and shoving the rear end of the pickup hoping that it would get unstuck in the mud. Lostwan did his best to maneuver the truck up and down the slope just to find the right timing on when to hit the gas and get pass the kumunoy along the trail.

Things were becoming hopeless and it's getting dark and cloudy once again. Swimbud thought of spreading dried Talahib grasses and stone pebbles over the muddy tracks, expecting that it would carry the weight of the truck. It did work for some time, but the trail was simply too muddy for the pickup to escape its deadly snare.

"Tulak pa... sige pa... malapit na malapit na!!!" Aeneas and I were at the rear end of the truck. My feet were sinking on the ground, but my determination to lift the truck had kept me pushing.

It was as if heaven saw our determination that with just one long, aggressive shove, the pickup soared above the muddy trail and reached the dead-end of the road in almost a blink of an eye fashion. Finally we were free and we're ready to return to the city. After washing the dirt from our hands, legs and feet we zigzagged our way up the hills and into the main road waiting along the ridge.

We discovered that one of the tires got busted when it got stuck in the mud. Dark clouds were fast approching, but to avoid the hassles of being stuck with a flat tire along the highway, we decided to look for a vulcanizing shop before leaving Tagaytay.

The tire patching took some time to get finished. We took some more photos of ourselves along the highway, amidst the full view of tourists caught in traffic. Meanwhile, nature, with it's motherly benevolence gave us a parting spectacle that I may never witness, perhaps for quite some time.

---

"Grabe, zero visibility talaga ano?" Aeneas had observed while Lostwan's pickup descends rapidly along the shortcut road leading to the valley.

Imagine an enchanting scene where thick fog veils everything around us. Houses were draped in smoky-blue curtain of mist, while ghostly pine trees were indistinguishable from another. Crossing pedestrians in thick jackets were marveling at the lucid spectacle as well. They were one of the driving hazards that we tried to avoid while enjoying the spectral beauty around us.

It was getting cold. Techsupport took out an extra towel from his bag and draped himself in its warmth. Aeneas' gaze were blank and empty, he must have been swallowed by the fog hovering in front of us. Meanwhile, I took out my iPod in hopes of blending in my surroundings. It played melancholic ambient music and Bliss's eerily haunting vocals had put me in deep trance that I began to feel the low clouds as it flowed through my music.

Never in my memory had I seen a fog as thick as the one that embraced us. I was profoundly moved by its coldness - its distant tranquility, that for a moment, I thought that I had an otherworldly existence. When the pickup had found its way back to the main road, the breathtaking view of Taal Lake and volcano - the same view that made Tagaytay famous was nowhere to be seen. In its place were low-lying pale blue clouds that stretched for eternity.

It felt like we were driving in the clouds.

---

Out of town trips are done so we can take a break from our ordinary way of life. We are suppose to feel relaxed and refreshed after making a pilgrimage to some far-flung place we have never set foot before. We learn from the experiences of our trip, and we gain humbling insights after seeing things we don't normally see in our lives. This is the essence of a journey. Too bad, rarely do in life I get out of the city.

The Tagaytay outing was an eye-opener, not only because I had proven in a few occasions how my passion for adventure had driven me to leave Manila at almost midnight, unsure of my final destination.

The solitude and uncertainty of the journey had strengthened my spirit.

Days after I resumed my normal way of life, I could still taste Squarepants' butter and choco cake in my mouth. The word Bolivia will be forever etched in my growing list of lingo words thanks to Lifeline. I will always remember my first serious attempt to be one with the Universe by sitting cross-legged like Buddha on a cold poolside pavement, while waiting for the sun to rise. I will also remember the shoving I did behind Lostwan's pickup truck. It was messy, but at least, I felt most koboy than I've ever been before. Finally, I will always see tomatoes as a perfect comfort food, when eaten together with spicy hot Menudo over steaming hot cup of rice because of Aeneas.

Tagaytay had taught me to love and honor trees, the way I saw them proudly shrouded behind the mist. How I wish that I would live to see the day when Manila becomes a teeming, urban forest in its most literal sense.

The fog must have put a cold spell on me because I could still feel its icy embrace to this day. Unfortunately, only fumes irritate my skin where I live. So the memory of mist-obscured streets and cloud-shrouded hills will linger on, hopefully in my dreams.

---

There are no words or pictures to perfectly describe how I spent my vacation.

But I am so glad, that in my humble attempts to preserve the trip for eternity,

Those who wish to remember can always look back, and read these entries.

Awakening | Enter Dominus

only in suffering will we find true enlightenment

- Dr. L.R. Tope

kita mo naman, kahit isang taon akong walang trabaho hindi Niya kami pinabayaan.

- Gripen, explaining his spiritual beliefs.

---

Sa panaginip, nakita ko ang aking sarili sa tapat ng Santa Clara Church.

Bumili ako ng itlog na nilalako ng mga tindera sa gate bago pumasok sa loob. Sa tagal ko ng nagagawi sa simbahan na iyon upang humingi ng prayer intercessions kay Santa Clara, panahon naman na suklian ko ang mga sagot niya sa aking mga dasal sa pamamagitan ng pagtulong sa mga madreng nakatira doon.

Naglakad ako patungo sa dulong gusali kung saan inihahabilin ang mga donasyon. Ang daan mula Katipunan pababa ay medyo matarik. Ngunit ito naman ay napapalitan ng pagkamangha sapagkat matatanaw mo ang kapatagan ng Marikina at Pasig sa gawing dulo ng simbahan.

Mangilan-ngilan lang ang mga tao noong hapong iyon. Tila ang katahimikan ng paligid ay nang-eenganyo sa mga bisitang kagaya ko upang magreflect at manalangin ng taimtim sa harap ng poon.

Ngunit sa panaginip na iyon, iba ang pakay ko sa simbahan. Ramdam ko ang napipintong paghaharap namin ng isang taong posibleng magpabago sa aking pagtingin sa buhay. Ilang beses ko ng narinig ang bulong niya sa akin. Sa pagkakataong ito, ako na mismo ang nangahas hanapin kung sino ba ang taong iyon na panay ang sabi sa aking,

"Gumising ka na..."

Nanalangin ako ng mataimtim kay Lord sa harap ng rebulto ni Santa Clara. Sa kaliwa ko ay may matandang babaeng nakabelo na nagrorosaryo. Sa tabi naman niya ay may isang batang lalaking biglang nagtatakbo palabas ng maliit na chapel upang hanapin ang kanyang mga kasama. Susundan ko sana ng tingin patalikod ang bata nang biglang dating naman ng isang binata na tila kasing tangkad at kasing-edad ko kung pagmamasdan mo siya sa malayo.

Sa unang tingin, ang binata ay hindi mo mapapagkamalang nagsisimba. Paano ba naman ay skinhead ito, may hikaw na pilak sa kaliwang kilay, may goatie at soul patch sa kanyang baba at may tribal na tattoo sa kanang braso. Hindi rin nakatulong ang kanyang suot na kulay itim na t-shirt at kupas na grey pants na halatang pinaglumaan na nito. Ngunit sa kabila ng kanyang matikas na itsura, mataimtim na nagdasal ang binata sa harap ng altar. Alam kong mas malalim ang kanyang paniniwala kaysa sa akin. At pilit ko mang iwasan tumitig sa kanya, masyadong maakit ang kanyang dating sa akin. Sa tagal naming dalawa sa loob ng chapel, pakiramdam kong nahalata niya ang aking buong tapang na pagpapapansin sa kanya.

Nauna akong lumabas ng chapel upang magsindi ng kandila malapit sa mismong simbahan. Papalubog na ang araw noon at medyo lumalamig na ang paligid. Akala ko ay doon na nagtatapos ang panandaliang pagtatagpo namin ng binata nang biglang sa aking pagtalikod upang maglakad palabas, naroon siya't papalapit sa akin.

"Pare is there a problem?" Unang bungad niya sa akin?

"Huh? Bakit tol?" Ang mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.

"Bakit ka tingin ng tingin sa akin kanina? May problema ba?" Ang kanyang maangas na boses ay medyo nagpakaba sa akin.

"Ah eh, para kasing kahawig mo yung tropa ko dati sa high school. Hindi naman pala." Sagot ko sa kanya.

"San ka ba nag-aral ng high school?" Tanong niya sa akin.

"Sa PUP. Hindi ka naman dun diba?"

"Hindi." Maikli niyang sagot sa akin.

Akala ko ay matatapos na doon ang aming usapan. Ngunit sa aking pagkamangha, ang usapan namin tungkol sa high school ay nagtuloy-tuloy upang mapag-usapan namin ang aming mga buhay. Nalaman ko na magkasing edad kami, parehong panganay sa pamilya at ulila na sa ama. Sa malapitan, para lang kaming magkambal. Singkit rin ang kanyang mga mata, makapal rin ang kanyang labi at malapad rin ang kanyang pangangatawan. Gusto ko sanang tanungin kung PLU siya na kagaya ko, ngunit dahil inassume kong straight siya sa aming pagtatagpo, pinili kong umaktong straight sa kanyang harapan.

Tinanong ko siya kung madalas siyang magawi sa Santa Clara. Ang sabi niya sa akin, nadiskubre niya ang simbahan dahil sa kanyang nanay. Dagdag pa niya dito, minsan siyang pinagdala ng prayer request ng kanyang lola para isama ng mga madre sa kanilang pagrorosaryo. Matapos noon, sa tuwing madedehado siya sa kanyang mga dala-dalang problema, sa Santa Clara lang siya tumatakbo upang kumuha ng buwelo.

"Wala namang masama diba? Saka sinasagot naman ang mga dasal ko pag dito ako nagpupunta." Pangiti niyang hirit sa akin.

Sa mga oras na iyon ay magaan na ang loob namin sa isa't isa.

Marami pa kaming napagkwentuhan, ngunit hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang mga iyon. Napansin na lang namin na nagsisilabasan na ng simbahan ang ibang mga bisita, na sa hindi ko malamang dahilan ay nakatingin lang sa akin. Nang mapansin ng binata na nagsisialisan na ang mga tao, dahan-dahan itong tumayo sa aming kinauupuan. Hindi man niya ito sabihin, ngunit malinaw na pinahiwatig niyang kailangan na rin naming lumabas ng Santa Clara.

"Paano tsong hanggang dito na lang." Paalam niya sa akin.

"Sana magkita ulit tayo." Pahiwatig ko naman sa kanya.

"Malay mo, magkasalubong ulit tayo dito." Habang sinasabi niya ito, kinakapa niya ang kanyang bulsa, tila may hinahanap sa loob nito.

"Remembrance ko sayo brod." Isang asul na plastic na rosaryo ang inabot niya sa akin.

"Hindi ako nagrorosaryo eh. Pero salamat dito." Pinagmasdan kong maigi ang rosaryo. Kamukha ito ng rosaryong tinago ko sa aking drawer matagal na panahon na ang nakakaraan.

"Lam mo bro, may narealize akong isang bagay sa buhay." Ang sabi ng binata sa akin. Bago pa ako makapagsalita ay tinuloy niya ang kanyang sasabihin. "I live life in the fast lane. Pasarap dito, kagaguhan doon. Gago ako kung sa gago at ang masaklap dun, pailalim ako kung tumarantado."

"Pero one thing is for sure. I don't want to end things wasted. Sandali lang ang buhay... Parang itong pagtatagpo natin. Despite life's briefness, might as well do something that would make my life meaningful. After all, we don't know. Maraming bagay sa mundo ang hanggang sa ngayon ay hindi pa rin natin maipaliwanag."

"Ano bang pwede kong gawin sa buhay ko?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

"Ikaw ang bahala. Basta ako, binabalanse ko ang sarili ko. Hangga't maari, nag-iiwan ako ng mabuti kesa masama sa kapwa. Yun ako parekoy." Payabang niyang sagot sa akin.

Magsasalita pa sana ako tungkol sa aking kabataan, kung saan naging leader ako ng mga Marian devotee sa aming baranggay. Sasabihin ko sana sa kanya na kahit napakatagal ko nang hindi nagrorosaryo, memorize ko pa sa puso ang mga dasal dito.

Bago sana kami maghiwalay, aaminin ko sa kanya na ang dahilan bakit nag-iba ako ng landas ay dahil nadiskubre ko ang masarap na pakiramdam dulot ng karnal na kaligayahan...

Ngunit, matapos kong mailagay sa kailaliman ng aking bag ang rosaryong bigay ng binata, sa muling pagharap ko'y nawala na siyang parang bula.

Nasa labas na pala kami ng simbahan.

---

Nagising ako bandang alas kwatro ng madaling araw.

Habang pilit inaala ang mga sinabi ng binata sa akin na pinangalanan ko na lang na Dominus, tumayo ako upang kunin ang isang bagay na matagal ko nang pinakatatago sa drawer ng aking kabinet.

"Lagi akong uhaw over something these days... Bakit lagi akong takot..." Tanong ko sa aking sarili.

Hawak ang asul na rosaryong kinuha ko sa drawer ng aking kabinet, ilang minuto ko ring pinagmasdan ito kahit madilim ang aking kwarto at ang tanging ilaw na bumabalot dito ay nangagaling pa sa bintana ng kapitbahay.

Wala namang mawawala kung susubukan ko ulit...

Noong umaga ring iyon, matapos ang mahabang panahong pandededma dito, natuto ulit akong mag rosary.

Bunny Interludes Twenty Five

The chasing ends here, for I have finally caught the bunny.

The long struggle is over. I have succeeded in my aim to get fit.

I went to the gym last night after my shift at work had ended. It was a spur of the moment decision I undertook after realizing that I've stopped working out for the past four days. Lately, my work out routine has been very erratic. Unlike during the first months of the year, where I followed my program as religiously as possible, I feel that my gym activities these days are simply done to maintain my well-guarded achievement.

After I changed to my work-out attire, I went to the weighting scale to check if there's any progress in my weight. What I was hoping for is that I gained some pounds in order for me to have something to trim down again. Honestly, I find this truly ironic because a year ago, I would check my weight hoping that I shed some pounds from my body. Now, I'm checking the scale to see whether I gained some pounds for being very complacent in my activities. Unfortunately, it wasn't the case. For the first time after I stepped out of college six years ago, I am back to what my frame was in those blissful heydays.

The scale registered that I am 160 lbs.

It means that from the time I seriously dreamed of getting fit to the time I checked my weight last night, I already lost around 50 lbs.

I owe a huge part of the success to my alarming eating habits, which I think is already killing me slowly. Since I arrive home late at night, nobody's up to prepare my dinner. Therefore, heavy meals are set during the afternoons - where I combine my breakfast and lunch before heading off to work. Dinners are always oatmeals, a meal which I used to eat at breakfast when I was still in the morning shift. After the great scare of February, I gradually changed my diet to accommodate more steamed vegetables than fried meat dishes. It proves to be a healthier alternative, but the diet denied me a source of protein and other nutrients which my body is in dire need of every time I go to the gym.

Since my work and school schedule had already limited my ability to go out and do other things, my trips to fast food restaurants had also been stifled. Except for munching a large order of French Fries occasionally, I can't remember the last time I had a full stomach after eating in Jollibee or Mcdonalds. Sugar intake has been limited to less than a teaspoon every day. Since i don't often drink carbonated or artificially flavored drinks lately, water has been my constant source of fluids since last January.

If you think about it. I'm doing the extreme. The irony however is that my body has already adopted to take such beating and it doesn't matter how much I deny myself now that my appetite don't find those things appealing anymore.

And in a more ironic twist of fate, I lately realized that the promises I said to myself when I was still dreaming to get fit are not the ones I would take importance now that my aims have been realized.

By now, I should be spending my free time going to boutiques and digging the latest fashion trends so I can finally overhaul my closet. Promise ko talaga dati, kapag pumayat ako bibilhin ko lahat ng damit na pinangarap kong masuot tuwing naliligaw ako sa mall. Na-aastigan saki ako sa mga power dressers eh. It's like you're looking up to them because they exude so much confidence in themselves.

But now the only problem that concerns me is how to acquire cheap but sturdy pants, now that I'm facing a wardrobe crisis because the slacks and pants that I'm wearing all the time had become too loose for me. Mukha tuloy akong shabby and haggard all the time.

By now, I should have reclaimed my spot on the dance floor. If I remember it precisely, the first time I realized that I needed to trim down happened during a night-out with Mami with the rest of the morning shift colleagues three years ago. I found myself dancing with a girl and I danced well. The problem however is that I have grown big that I cannot make the moves to impress the girl I was dancing.

I also have this fantasy of going to the ledge and dance in an arousing way like the half-naked hunky go-go boys do. Nothing really turns me on like when someone dances behind me only to rub his crotch against my butt. In my younger days (like younger than DN and Punked) I used to do exhibitions on the ledge. When an admirer begins to touch my body, I'd insist that he squeeze my crotch instead. That how naughty I was, and if given an opportunity, I wouldn't mind doing it again.

But now that I have the opportunity to do it again, age has gotten over me. Not only have I accepted that I mellowed down, even the thought of going to clubs alone compels me to rush going home. Truly, I have become domesticated.

Finally by now, I should be flirting with everyone who catches my fancy. The truth behind posting some sexy pictures in my g4m account before was that I wanted to be noticed. I wanted to increase my market value and become the guys I used to ogle in that website. There was even a time that I'd open my g4m before going to the gym just to remind myself that I wanted someone else's chest/torso/abs/shoulders to be mine someday. I tried to hide this vanity as much as possible. But the truth is, the more I get closer to my objective, the more I became narcissistic and ego-centric.

My last trip to Club Bath early this year revealed how horrible I could be once my physique gets into my head.

But now...

Now that I have the physique that I could stare for hours in a wall mirror (especially when I'm starved in the morning) I'm beginning to realize that what I'm staring at is just a mere body with a semi-developed chest and a flat tummy and nothing more. I know, nothing beats the pleasure of staring at a hunky man's body especially when he flexes his biceps, abs and firm chest in front of the mirror. (dami niyan sa gym ko!) Just last night, I caught this amboy guy changing clothes across from where my bench was. He was not fair or good looking at all, but to stare at his broad shoulders, flat torso and bulging chest had me a hard time putting on my sando. He was so rugged and brusko that I said to myself...

"I want to be like him."

However when you think deeper, it's not the body that really gets you attracted or stay interested in a person. Of course we put huge premium on what the physical package of a person is, but it is his depth of understanding of things, thoughts of life and your similarity in interest that really draws you closer to a person.

Ang sarap sana gamitin ng magandang katawan for hedonistic pursuits, but for some strange reasons, those things do not appeal to me anymore.

While I was doing my 165 lbs squats last night and groaning from pain, I was asking myself over and over what's left now that I have achieved my objective. I could have easily told the supportive trainers that I would like to stop working out because I don't have a need for it anymore.

I could spend my time doing the more ordinary things, like playing video games on my computer or drinking with my friends.

Is it because I still value my vanity? Or is it because I'm afraid to lose what I already have?

This would be the last of the Bunny Interludes entries for I now declare that I have finally caught the bunny.

But...

If I have to continue my gym activities; If I really have to push my limits and achieve that model-modelan body that never in my life I have dreamed of aiming, then I have to come up with deeper reasons to continue getting fit.

Would it be in the name of health? Too cheesy.

Would it be for market value? Too self-serving. Besides, I always considered myself a class-B hipon.

Then maybe its because it's already a lifestyle that I could not take out easily? Possible.

Looking at how many bunny dreamers out there tries to achieve perfection, could I consider myself a poster boy?

I don't know... Perhaps it would be too much of a grand illusion.

But one thing I know is that I was once a dreamer. A chubby guy who was pushed back all the time in a world where physique and looks matter above all else.

"Kasi naman yung isa diyan, ang taba-taba, hindi tuloy tayo magkasya sa sasakyan..."
"No chubbies please..."
"Ang laki laki mo, papayat ka nga!!
"Yang boobs mo parang daig mo pa ang sa babae sa laki."
"Kahit anong gawin mo, hindi na liliit yang tiyan mo Joms"

A sudden remembrance runs inside my head. It hurts you know. But without these criticisms, I won't find myself on the spot where I am today.

Looking at how long and struggling the journey has been.

It wasn't that bad, now that you see it at a hindsight.

---

- the end.

Bunny Interludes Twenty Five: The Journey Of The Bunny Chaser

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

- Lao Tzu.

---

"All in all, I needed 3 sets with 15 reps for every exercise in my weight-training program. Most of the exercises were easy and less strenious. I feel my fats burning especially when I did the crunches. Man! I was doing 15 reps when after I stopped doing the exercise, cramps suddenly hit my abs. It's like, I couldn't get up because I feel that my stomach is contracting. I told the sensation to my instructor, so we stopped the other abs exercises for the meantime.

The most difficult exercises I've done was those involving the arms, particularly the biceps/triceps area. The punishment was too much that I have to change my dumbell because of the strain. I was also worried that since the instructor was nowhere in sight, I might be doing the wrong thing. But just the same, I tried to complete the program despite its difficulty. After all, one thing I've learned from the other guys is that do not push the limits especially if you know that your body couldn't do it."

- Calling From Powerflex, March 14, 2004

---

"Why should I postpone something important for tomorrow, when I can do it today?

Going to the gym and trimming myself is important. In fact, I think its one of the most important thing that I should do right now.

However, at the back of my mind, the only thing that hesitates me from doing so is could I commit myself to it? Do I have enough motivation for me to change my way of life?

Well, I think I dont have answer for that yet..."

- Dreams Of Being A Gym Bunny (Again), August 9, 2005

---

"Sa pag-gygym ko ngayon, target ko lang naman ang maging malapad pero mapayat ang katawan eh. Gusto ko lang na kapag tumingin ako sa salamin, walang beelbeel at tiyan na tatambad sa harap ko.

Wish ko lang na kapag tumingin ako sa salamin habang nakasuot ng white tank top, ako mismo eh mababakla sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko na bet magkaroon ng sixpacks o kaya pang-model modelan na katawan

Sapat na sakin ma-achieve ang pinaka-minimum objectives ko.

Pero who knows..."

- Hopes of Becoming A Super Gym Bunny, August 31, 2005

---

But one thing is sure though. I would prove that Pipay was wrong when he said that my flabs would stay forever. In eight months I would make sure that I would have some major improvements on my body.

Until then. I would stay quiet. I'm even thinking whether it would be good to be isolated for the mean time so that my developments... would just be for my eyes alone.

And no matter how many times it would take before I may become successful in taming my own frame. I would never stop nor surrender.

For I'm beginning to get tired hiding behind my own shadow.

And I'm getting weary thinking about if I would last a decade with the abuses I'm giving to my deteriorating body.

Lastly, I'm beginning to get tired oogling at some other buff bodies when I can develop mine.

I guess, it's time to claim my own place.

After all, whatever happens, It's my body and my health that mattered.

- Act of Liberation, February 13, 2006

---

"Lastly, I found out that I am now officially below the 200th pound mark. It was my weight last September - right after I decided to stop my work out. If things go as planned, I could loose another 10 pounds in just one month."

- Bunny Interludes Two, March 1, 2006

---

"Attending the work-out three times a week is like a protracted war. You would never know who's side is winning; how much fat you lost and how many muscles you gained in a span of time. It's like a long term battle aimed at exhausting both sides of the conflict - it's either you surrender the struggle, or your fats finally withdraw from your lousy body. In any case, it is something I have to face in this work-out. Nobody knows - except my own skin, how much I lost or won since I started the gym almost a month ago."

- Bunny Interludes Three, March 7, 2006

---

"Lubhang matagal pa siguro bago ako makaapak muli sa non-overweight status na ineenjoy ko tatlong taon na ang nakakaraan. Marahil aabutin pa ng taon, bago ako makakita ng pandesal sa aking abs, kung mangyayari man ito. Kung meron man akong tagumpay sa mga oras na ito, ang attempt ko sa pagwowork out ngayong taon ang siyang pinakamatagal ko na - simula ng tinuruan ako ng tatay ko magbuhat ng dumbell."

- Bunny Interludes Five, March 27, 2006

---

"7. It takes around 2 weeks before improvements begin to appear. Give it another 2 weeks and with extreme discipline, significant changes are already visible."

- Bunny Interludes Six, April 5, 2006

---

"The four-day hiatus only tells that I am in the verge of surrendering this enterprise for an indefinite period. If I decide not to renew my membership for three months, this entry might be my last post about my three-month stint at the gym. If ever that happens, at least I should appreciate the fact that I already lost 20 pounds from such activity. I should be happy with it. "

- Bunny Interludes Nine, June 5, 2006

---

"Two years, eight months, countless sessions and several failed attempts before, here I am still holding on to my gym routine. So far it has never been broken for so long and it's result on my body, vanity and self-confidence would have been unthinkable. I never had expected that such tranformation is possible when I was just merely attempting. In fact, my built is slimmer now compared to my body size two years ago.

Gym instructors come and go, work-out buddies take breaks in training which span for months only to return after. In my case, there is no stopping. my longest break so far was one week. I am so concerned that stopping for too long would encourage me to break my routine. Breaking it also would revert me back to my body size before I enrolled at the gym.

Which is one of my greatest fears right now.

-

In the long run, I believe that those who really succeed in bodybuilding are those who have the vision and patience to adopt the entire activity as a lifestyle. Nobody would be crazy enough to spend three hours in the gym every other day just to satisfy his objective."

- Bunny Interludes Eleven, August 28, 2006

---

"Thus, it leaves my blog as the silent witness to all the hardships and battles I fought just to keep my built in line with my objectives. I remembered someone saying that the gym is the homo's temple. He may be right in many ways, for the homo looks up to everything that is masculine. I keep on fighting this never-ending Jihad to emancipate myself from such mindset. I feel that the more I get to control my body, the lesser I depended on the masculinity and confidence of others."

- Bunny Interludes Thirteen, November 7, 2006

---

"The efforts of ten months, gone in just the month of January."

- Bunny Interludes Fifteen (Panic House Remix) January 21, 2007

---

"Ngunit, ang nagawa ng minsan ay maaring ulitin. Ang work-out ay isang life-long affair, na kailangang i-maintain at balik-balikan kung talagang seryoso sa training ang isang estudyante. Alam kong ang laban dito ay puno ng sakripisyo at disiplina. Hindi gaya ng iba na payatin, ang effort ko dito ay doble dahil na rin sa aking tabaing pangangatawan na dapat I trim down para na rin sa aking kalusugan."

- Bunny Interludes Sixteen, April 16, 2007

---

"The program given to me by the head coach is significantly easier compared to the program I had in my first gym. This time, instead of focusing my energy doing an hour of cardio exercise, my main thrust is the free weights. If I had to do a bench press or a military press exercise, there are no machines to assist me. All I have are brute force and stored fat to help me execute my program.

The fitness instructors - who are not only gym professionals, but geniuses in their own respective careers are helpful and meticulous enough to correct my executions - to the point of achieving perfection. Without them, injury might have already taken its toll on me. Besides, the camaraderie I have with them is encouraging enough to make me endure walking the extra mile just to continue my program without any man-made interruptions. "

- Bunny Interludes Nineteen, June 3, 2007

---

"I maybe a hunk - like what the guys in G4M or Club Bath would often complement just to catch my attention, but in your presence,

I would always remain an apprentice.

You will always be the master that I would try and constantly emulate.

So do not admire me bud, for the drive to get back on track always remain with you. We don't talk that much anymore, I know. But every time I groan from pain whenever I lift some heavy weights in the gym;

Whenever the word jubesity is mentioned by someone during a conversation and whenever the thought of Pampanga comes across my mind,

I still remember bud. There are so many cherishing things that are not easy to forget."

- Bunny Interludes Twenty Two (A Ballad For XP), October 6, 2007

---

"Nevertheless, I have come a long way to achieve this body, which in many ways I could already be proud of. In the long course of chasing the bunnies, I have never dreamed I would this be fit. I can confidently say that my strength had increased significantly even if my weariness often fails me. I may still continuously suffer, not only from fatigue but from work-out failures as well. The temptations to break my efforts may become more intense as the year comes to a close."

- Bunny Interludes Twenty Three, November 15, 2007

---

"But as a beginner's luck, I have high hopes that I may finally get what I'm aiming for this year. The program, which was designed to increase my metabolism significantly appears to be working. Beating my conservative assessments of a ten-pound increase in weight. The scale revealed a two-pound gain this Christmas Break.

If and ever I'd get serious with my workout and diet until summer, there is a huge possibility that I might be sporting a flatter tummy come the beach days begin."

- Bunny Interludes Twenty Four, January 03, 2008