Paradigm Shift

Papasikat na ang araw nang matapos ang Thor-jack sa kanilang sala. Kalahating oras na kantutan rin yun matapos ang isang magdamagang bastusan sa chatroom. Mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Kumbaga sa speed dating ay niligawan ko muna ang binata gamit ang tamis ng aking mga salita. Magaling bumawi ang aking kausap. Sa loob ng ilang oras na landian ay napaniwala namin ang isa't isa na magkakaroong kabuluhan ang aming mabilisang tagpuan.

Subalit umuwi akong matamlay nang umagang yun. Bukod sa bugbog na katawan ay puyat ang inabot ko sa aming ginawa. Ramdam kong naging instrumento lang ako ng kanyang kalibugan. Sabagay, ganun rin siguro ang pakiramdam niya. Subalit dahil hinayaan kong maging vulnerable ang sarili, (dahil mabigat sa damdamin ang maging bottom sa lalaking manggagamit lang pala) tuluyan akong nalungkot nang marealize na dalawang buwan ulit ang aking bibilangin bago makipagthor-jack sa iba.

pero masarap ang sex.
nakakamiss may niyayakap, may hinahalikan
may sinusuck, may nagfu-fuck,
may nado-dogstyle, may nami-missionary,
may nilalabasan at may nagpapalabas.

It's been more than two months since the last cycle has ended. Tired from the fruitless chasing of someone who would just end up being a bed partner, I decided to cut the ties connecting me to anything that would lead to such path. The change in policy has placed me in a much stable position. The scorpions dare not challenge me anymore.

But its just human to feel the itch. I wake up more frequently from the boner now that the weather is colder than before. The porn collection has doubled since deleting my account in Manjam last August. With the MIRC banned from the desktop computer, and the total withdrawal from the dance floors of Malate still taking effect, its obvious that I have shut myself out from the bigger world.

Behind every decision is a reason and mine is as easy as counting one, two and three. The Instant Pancit Canton Life wrote the first. Second is the adaption of a Planned Economy and third is the lack of effort to embark on playing games where I'd be the sure looser of every round. Dabo has a valid reason, which, he had already expounded in his blog. As for the Planned Economy, the shift in perspective allows me not to think of loneliness or insecurities anymore. We know sex as a tool of affirmation and being gifted with boundless sentience, dependency on the market held sway over most of my emotional decisions.

Finally, the lack of effort to find a bed playmate really is about the use of energy. Why waste time searching for booty calls when one can do better things like sleeping, working out in the gym, or having an all-night clean fun with your buddies? Lately I've been busy with so many things that I even forget my own "physical" needs.

but I do miss teasing
and miss saying sexy words to arouse a partner.
I miss holding one's prick and squeezing it
until the partner moans out of pleasure.
I miss biting someones lips
and nibbling one's nips.
I miss sleeping next to someone
and the simple reason for holding back
is because I lose control
when I let go.

Dalawang buwan akong nagtimpi at sa loob ng mga dumaang linggo iyon ay marami ang nagbalak makipaglaro sa akin. Ako na lang ang nawalan ng gana sapagkat hindi ko alam kung ang mga gawaing ito ay may patutunguhan bandang huli.

Permanence is not an option and the policy of non-aggression is bound to change once a new order takes place. To be honest, life has never been this peaceful. Lalaki lang pala ang magpapagulo ng buhay ko. That's why when I got a text message from an unknown number last Tuesday - for an offer that was once almost impossible to resist,

"Musta? sn ka nw?
Tara 3sm tayo.

my answer was swift and firm.

The last cycle ended with a vision of a birthday sex. Life has its own way of playing tricks but too bad for life, I was in no mood to play back.

I went to church instead to give thanks on that same day.