Deja Vu

Once, we held this belief that love springs from one night stands. It was a juvenile thought whose beginnings I could not even recall. We clung to the idea trusting intimacy shared lead to passionate endings: Cuddling assured a troubled spirit, screwing fused two people together, and a night-long skin contact leaves the body searching for the one it left. There is so much sharing - worded or otherwise - that can happen in a single night. And when the sun rises and the person you shared a bed and a blanket stays - after enduring a frosty night - an attachment is never far behind.

So many years have passed and we thought the fairy tale was dead. Believing it never really pointed to a happy ending. The result was the opposite. The first lover was a disaster and the second remains a nightmare. But we never learn. In the months following the day of freedom, intense loneliness and our desire to connect pushed us to embrace our longing by bringing a stranger home.

A friend warned that I am gambling the safety of my loved ones. First is I don't know a single real thing about the person and second, how am I certain my doors were flung open to a madman in disguise? It was a thought lapse on my part, which I admit drags us to the pits of danger. The homeworld also begins to feel dubious of the characters emerging from my room. Though they never said a word about it, actions speak distrust over my decisions.



The last who got the invitation was Mister Deja Vu. He was fun to be with so I thought of bringing him home to extend the hours of joy. He vowed never to incite the trappings of lust - a promise kept by Orion - the guy who stayed over before him. A deal was a deal, but come daybreak, I was awakened by his hand gently fondling my stiffy.

I didn't complain. Who are we to pretend we don't like it. So instead of grunting and whining, my hand flew over his crotch and began squeezing it as well.

He said he enjoyed my company and promised to keep contact so we could see each other again. True to his word, we exchanged greetings through text everyday. It was sweet. It could even take off and develop into something very serious. Words like "I miss you" and "take care" became part of our daily exchanges. It never happened in recent memory so I treasured every contact I had with him. However, one thing that will forever keep us apart is the truth that he's married and has a kid. With his kind of aggression, it wouldn't be a surprise if he kept other liaisons aside from me.



One would ask why I gambled in a game I knew I'd lose. My motives were simple: I thought we shared something in common and second, I wanted a more dominant person to lay beside me. The future never really caught my fancy. The week with him was almost idyllic. There were no pressures to get his attention and I wasn't too troubled by his other activities since no real attachment exists. As a gesture of goodwill, he never had rivals to distract my focus. He was the only one, and despite him being married, he made an effort to make me feel his other.

Had Mister Deja Vu been single, he would be a nice catch. Rain Darwin will disagree. You see, I introduced the guy to my groupies over the weekend. His reception could be described as lukewarm. Going back to Darwin, he was vocal about telling me how incompatible we are. Physically. Deja-vu reminded him of the ex, which I showed some pictures to my concerned friend before. Darwin's opposition was so intense that he went to great lengths to express his disapproval. "Huwag mo kalimutan pare, may dating ka." I know what he truly meant. Sometimes, alcohol reveals things we don't see when sober.

But Mister Deja-Vu have good qualities which makes him an ideal mate. He came from a good school and has a command of the language. Deja-vu is a hardworking joe who prefers staying at work for longer periods just to beat a deadline. In matters surrounding his sensitive side, I think he cares. He looks after the people he thought about, and his friendliness scored him some big points from my buddies.

Sadly, even good guys have flaws. Deja-vu guy has one, which, over the weekend made me realize he wasn't worth keeping. When I decided to bring him home, I grounded my decision not on the imminent lustful encounter, but on things we have in common. We love the same music, the same kind of movies shown on theaters, and perhaps we could even discover more. I never even bothered to ask whether he's a top or bottom because of my friendlier intentions.

Deja-vu guy, on the contrary, saw me in a different light. From the moment he first held my birdie - fondling it, touching it, cradling it like an infant on the palm of his hand, a day never passed when he would ask how my stiffy was doing. It was amusing at first. Thought of it as his way of breaking the ice. But when things got settled and still the condition of my snooty birdie was his way of reaching out to me, I began to doubt his motivations.

That's when things began to fall apart.

Friday. A week after our first meet-up, we decided to see again. It was a sleep-over, as promised but since friends were inviting to go out, I asked mister deja-vu if he would like to come along.

He agreed.

The introduction went well with friends, save for some troubles we encountered at a phone card station in Glorietta. The details are now too horrible to recount, but the saleslady saw the devil incarnate in me. I also saw what mister Deja vu looks like in his furious state. He can turn violent when left unchecked.

The night wore on, and second to Orion, other friends began to see the real karirista side of me. The Garahe folks welcomed him as my extension, even the buff daddy spoke to him while me and Buraot were discussing about his impressions with this new guy. Things went better after we called it a night, and for a moment, I thought we finally found a connection. Never before did I borrow money from a date but because I ran out of cash and he volunteered to pay the taxi bill in full even when I insisted of paying him back, that's when I thought that maybe, I will have to bend some rules to accommodate this guy.

"Mahihiya ka pa eh parang hindi naman ikaw kaiba." A slight jolt ran down my spine.

The moment between me and deja-vu began when bed time came. With carnal instincts guiding our every move, the act became less intimate and more savage. Thrice he tried a screw but I declined his insertions. We were doing it at home and the act will be bareback.

I will never take such risk.

I don't know if it was his turn-off, but after three rounds of forced orgasm using a clenched fist to pound the gear stick, it was all over between us. Every act of intimacy that came after was taken at face value. Feelings were becoming fleeting and attachment were all but just mechanical.

It was the end of the line and I know he must have felt it too.

A day has passed and contact between us became non-existent. There's no longing to send a text message knowing what I would be receiving is a message laced with phallic overtones. If he insists following this path, ditching would be a breeze. The boys of TC and the gentlemen from Encantos would have seen the last of him. Yet, no matter how brief our story is, mister deja vu will go down in history as the guy who broke the spell that makes one night stands ground for attachment. We have finally accepted that bonds seldom thrive beyond lust and feelings wither when men think of their fellow merely as playthings.

Epiphany tells there's no serendipity in our encounter.

A time has come to move on.