Packard

** Ilang oras na lang at bibili na ako ng  notebook. This is my second one. More than the feeling of excitement ay nangingibabaw sa akin ang kaba. I'm not used to big spending, especially now that times are uncertain. But I wanted this more than anything else. 

Three years rin ang inintay ko para dito. 

Readers of my old blog knew what happened.  This is the reason why it took this long before I could get my own.  The laptop was my ticket to freedom,and to make sure there's no chance for my ex and I to reunite after a breakup, I decided never to get the laptop back.. 

Katanghan lang. 

This is the last time I will look back - not to feel remorseful - but to pay  respect for something that have always been mine. I'm not sure if the first notebook is still functioning, but it served its purpose well.

To that Packard Bell Easynote Laptop, thank you for setting me free. 

Human

May 16, 2008
Fullmetal Dreams

It was delivered to me like a newborn child.

Its carbon black surface was still warm from the box where it came from. When my fingers ran across its rubbery mouse pad, I immediately felt a connection. For a fleeting second, there was a bond a true parent could speak of. But ours was never sentient. What I had was a moment of pride that will only end in sorrow. When I held the machine for the first time, I didn't want to let go. It was after all, a dream came true. 

All my life, I longed to have a laptop. I could afford the machine anytime, but I've always known the price of having one. A few years back and I'd complain to one of my professors that I could not follow his instructions. He wanted us to present our paper in the form of a PowerPoint presentation in front of the class. My classmate do not share my sentiments, after all, they have a laptop they could use. They say, they needed it for work so they have to own one.

But me?

I'm content with my old desktop computer. A machine that evolved after its components had been constantly disassembled, reinstalled and reformatted just to be as workable as its descendant had come out of the assembly lines. I let my old computer adapt to new software until I found the courage to replace it with a new unit last year.

And I'm still paying for it after it had been mine.

But the laptop is my baby. Never in my life had I thought I'd buy one. How tragic that when I could finally call one my own, it was meant for someone else.

The turnover ceremony, which happened on a somber afternoon took place yesterday. I could not afford to take it home for fear that my family would grow suspicious as to where my money goes. It was a sacrifice I had to make - nobody will ever know that the laptop was from me. I just hope that the receiver would treasure it like a real parent will do to his child.

If not for Dabo's presence, I would find it very difficult to detach myself from something that came from my  blood. Blood money that is. It would take another year before I could finally emancipate myself from the responsibilities of paying for the laptop. By then I am not sure about the fate of the machine. It would have been stolen, corrupted by a virus, or even used for other purposes aside from learning.

As I reflect on the events that took place yesterday, I still find it hard to accept that I've given up something to someone who I have grown distant to. I tried to seek solace from my patroness in Katipunan, but her inspiration did not work while I was canvassing the laptop at Gilmore. I still felt bitter. The image of the compassionate Buddha, which suddenly appeared in the form of discovering the Universal Wisdom Center had given me peace.

Yet the heart stubbornly insists to express its human, self-serving feelings.

In the end, I resigned to keep my word and do what my mind intended from the start. I bought the laptop at a price far more expensive than my intended budget and delivered it to its new owner. I kept my peace by drinking with Deracinee, Dabo, Daniel and my colleagues after the turnover was done. Time and again, I would remind myself that once you give something, never feel resentful about your parting.

So I did, what my conscience suggests.

And he and I will remain distant but nevertheless, at one.

But from now on, the only love existing between us shall be compared to a recipient and a host.

Infatuation, attachment or companionship will just be a thing of the past.