My sister and her family, including my two young nephews spent the long weekend with the in-laws. If not for the maid, the lesbian driver and her trusted assistant, the occupants of the house would just be me and my mother.
Many things could happen when there are few people at home. I can sneak out at the middle of the night - like I used to - and find myself in some other's bed, or at the heart of the dance floor in Malate. I could also bring a "friend" in for a sleep over, like I did in the past. Of course, sleep happens when playtime is over.
What happened last week was a face-off - between my uptight self and my lustful nature. I won't deny its presence now the it can overwhelm me. The playground was Planet Romeo. A place I should have abandoned last week. But when the itch is too strong, and the skin-baring pictures command a sizable attention, the line demarcating a tease and a plunge becomes so blurred, you get sucked inside your own vortex.
"You have a place?"
"Wala nga eh, baka puwede sa inyo."
"Labo pre, may mga kasama ako dito."
"Sayang, gusto pa naman kita."
"Ako rin, Iniimagine ko pa lang ang gagawin natin, tinitigasan na ako."
What he didn't know is that I am dropping the bait without pulling the hook. Hell, I have no plans for a meet-up - not unless someone's place is walking distance away from mine. But proximity is still under consideration. I turned down a threesome when it was even just 600 feet from home.
The reason?
The guy's graphic description was enough to make me cum. Why go to the trouble of getting impaled - for real - when my right hand can do the job very well. Not only am I spared from the guilt of wasting; to afford myself a consummated encounter might be worth the wait.
I am in for the long haul.
But there is a limit to one's provocation - as I learned as hours passed, and the longer you hold back the frenzy, the more it gets into your head.
As daybreak approaches, I was already openly expressive of my need. I pulled every trick in the book; every titillating words I learned from my long years of reading erotic stories, just to keep the other's attention from waning. But time is running out. The ones who were on the prowl had already gratified themselves. In my desperation; for letting myself get fucked by my own perversion, I would have given in to a real encounter, except there was none nearby.
"You want me to take a cab going to your place at the Fort?"
"Yeah, masasarapan ka naman sa gagawin natin eh."
"But that's one hour from my place."
"Intayin kita, sige na punta ka na."
"And then you expect me to take a cab back after we're done?"
"Sige na.... please."
"Sa taxi pa lang magjajakol na ako."
There were others, like the one near Betty Go Belmonte LRT Station. He claimed that he hasn't touched himself for a week, and that the mere revelation of my red lips had him a boner. I could have asked for his cock pic, but he had none. Another had a place not far from mine. But to get there, I still have to walk twenty minutes, across unlit and deserted roads, when all it takes to use my imagination is five. From my near-joy experiences with these men, I learned that it's very difficult to think correctly when one is extremely horny.
The biggest challenge came the night after. When I logged on at Planet Romeo to once again challenge my order. A friendly conversation with a constant chat mate turned provocative when he slipped "loaded" words that caught my fancy. Unlike with the ones I spoke the morning earlier, this guy and I had chemistry. I was ready to conceal my interest to foster platonic ties when it was he who pick up the fight.
"Punta ako diyan, I'll cuddle you all night long." He said.
"And then I'll slide my dick inside yours. You like it right?"
"And then I'll kiss you some more and stay there while we listen to your alternative music."
"Please let me stay there with you."
Shit ang sarap sana. But I know that libog can make someone say the sweetest words to get what the person wants.
I could have told my mom that a "friend" got locked at his dorm and he has no place to stay. Mother would have said yes, since everyone I bring home is a "friend" of my friend - if not a colleague at some "raket." But by then, I thought of her as she slept soundly in the master's bedroom.
Would I risk her peace by letting a stranger in?
Would I violate my own accord of holding the fort while my sister is away?
I stayed home during the long weekend so that someone will watch over my mother. Lust aside, what I can only admit now is that the night-long exposure on the planet had some deeper purpose - to keep myself awake and distracted as I perform my lonely vigil.
I could have spared so many, from the false notion of sluttiness. Not far from home, someone could have stayed over, and perhaps, look after me instead.
But I chose to dance alone.
The ancient entries refer to the episodes as the Scorpion Nights. It is when I drop the layers of pretension and give in to my perversion.
The last few nights have revealed that the scorpions have returned. Raw, potent and biting as they have been; disarmed only by noble choices that often come between the urge and restraint.
My mom slept soundly for three nights, while I eased my convulsions by whacking myself at someone's expense. Now that my sister has returned, and the bundles of joy have brought sunshine back to our home, I can slide once again into my dream-states, knowing with all certainty that despite the sad upheavals, the stinging arachnids and fiery rebellions within,
Securing the fractured order hints a subtle longing to wait for whoever - rightfully - will come.
