The Soulkeeper | Dream Journals Nineteen

I found myself seated in a concert hall, where the dirty white walls were stale and the dull wooden armchairs were on the verge of falling apart. People sat at a distance from one another. Men had dark velvety coats over their open-collared shirts, while women had corsets under their cream-colored blouses. All of them were waiting for the performance to begin.

Suddenly, you emerged from the door behind me and found your seat next to mine. You were wearing a white polo shirt and had a bright-colored slacks that I never knew you own. There were no words spoken between us. Only the chatter of a group of audience flocking the other side of the hall filled the gap that had become our space.

While my eyes were fixed at the empty stage, I felt your hand slipping between our chairs where mine had already laid claim. Brushing my fingers, the skin to skin contact recalled of an old, old spark remembered from that one early morning my palm first felt yours. Like a nearly forgotten memory dwelling on subconscious thoughts, my hand can still feel the spaces between your fingers.

And like a matchstick igniting a fire, every stroke awakens subdued emotions. The skin contact could be brushed off, but when the familiar attachment tells of an unbroken connection; the fingers will instinctively find their places between the palm of your hands. The swaying continues, until your index finger curls itself against mine. The middle fingers follow and so are the other digits, until the thumbs - the unopposable thumbs seal the union in this waltz between our hands.

I never saw your eyes looking at me, but every time your hand squeezed mine, your assurances tell that no matter what places I ran myself into, you will always remain the keeper who will always show up - even in my sleep - just to tell me that everything will be fine.

Monthsary | Shuriken Pact

Hangga't hindi ko nahihigitan ang ganitong pagpapaubaya ng sarili, alam kong hindi pa ako handa.

Pormal kong isinasara muli ang pintuan ng aking puso.

---

It was past eleven in the evening.

I was in Greenbelt meeting the best friend of an online friend who came to visit the city. It was a pleasant meeting set on a chilly night. We had no plans really, except to talk about our common friend who should have been there with him had it not for his busy work in the fields.

What my eyeball didn't know was that I had urgent reasons to show up. It wasn't just about seeing him. We could set another time together with his best friend for a better planned eye-ball. In truth, our meet-up was a vigil. It was like hitting two birds with one stone. His, was for pleasant introductions, the other was in case I would be needed to the rescue.

The person to be secured is with his colleagues binging on hard liquor somewhere in Manila.

I remember leaving a twitter note before the end of my shift telling that I should stay out in case my presence is needed. Intuition runs parallel to a new-found attachment and emotions have to be considered in every decision I make. My situation was comparable to an admiral commanding his entire armada to patrol a narrow strait. Should a distress call be sent, redundancy ensures a swift response.

A few minutes before midnight, I received a text message.

"SOS na pare..."

He gave me the address and the landmark of the place where he was staying. Since it was near my school, it was easy to plot the course that would take me there. It doesn't matter how much I would have to give up just to be there.

The essence is to never let him wait.

"20 minutes dude, pahinga ka lang."

The cab driver must have thought I'm insane when my instructions were to step on the gas and never on the breaks. If the cab had wings, we would have vanquished the skies that midnight. Traffic was hell along Nagtahan because of the lifting of the truck ban. We could squeeze our way between mammoth-sized 18-wheelers but I had a better idea.

I found him slumped in one of the chairs when I showed up at the door 10 minutes earlier than my expected time of arrival. It was the empty side streets of Santa Ana, whose narrow passageways which revealed the quickest path to the river crossing. He introduced me as his housemate who was tasked to bring him home. Overjoyed by his colleagues' recognition, I even took his last three shots of Brandy to spare him from further misery of the alcohol constantly swirling inside his head.

---

Ibang klase talaga ang Diwata - Dukesa love affair. Hehehe. Magkasama sila ngayon sa Masbate. Sinundan ni Dukesa ang Diwata sa Masbate kung saan naka-assign ngayon and Diwata sa work.

It really must be true love! Lalakbayin ang kapatagan, aakyatin ang bundok at tatawirin ang dagat, makapiling lang ang isa't isa.

- Pinuno, Text Message



Lumabas tayo nung place mo para kumain... medyo malayo yung linakad natin at gutom na ako nun pero ok lang. Kasama naman kita. Pagkatapos natin kumain at magkuwentuhan naisipan nating mamasyal pero dahil wala ka pa masyadong tulog (at wala pa din ako masyadong tulog) naisipan mong umuwi na lang. Sabi ko, ok lang - basta kasama naman kita.

- Lukayo, Liham Para Sa Aking Asawa

Monthsary | Rebound (Last Part)

A citadel is a fortress for protecting a town or a city. They serve as the main defense of a garrison or a center of power from the inhabitants of the town where it is found In ancient Greece, the citadel placed on a commanding eminence, was important in the life of the people. It houses the main temple and the royal palace, and serves as a stronghold in times of enemy assault. In the Middle Ages, the citadel was the last defense of a besieged army. Often held after the town has been captured, it contains military and food supplies to last until reinforcements arrive.

A friend has this impression that I prefer placing walls instead of opening my gates to strangers. He was right, the moment I feel threatened - imaginary or not - I run towards my citadel anticipating an assault. I raise the alarm in panic and aim the cannons toward the approaching wanderer. No wonder, I have a nasty reputation for being distant during first meet-ups. The opposite happens when I lower my guard to let a comrade enter. It's either the citadel surrenders without firing a volley of cannonball or it hurls the stranger towards outer space by way of the catapult.

All in the defense of the heart.

Tannis was a casualty and on the third day after getting introduced, I knew he had no place in my heart. Tuesday evening, we were able to talk again in the Instant Messenger. This time, he was the one interested to know me better after he learned the strengths written on my Friendster profile. His assertiveness to get close triggered the alarm and as a defense, I started closing the gates to drive him away.

Despite the creeping coldness, I was still friendly and accommodating towards him. He was never aware but behind the warm facade, I was already seeking second opinion from trusted friends. Tannis was asking for a date and knowing where it might lead to, I was extremely careful not to cross the line this time.

"Let's have a date on Friday, looking forward to see you again men," was his parting reply.

One huge error that I committed was to give him a sense of control over my movements. I sent text messages informing him of my arrival at home. He never replied of course, for he sleeps early in the evening. Only at noon did he reply to my messages for he was concerned that sending a text early in the morning would disrupt my sleep.

It was sweet, but such gestures were received with a strong sense of weariness. The ex used to do the same trick, only to find out later that such gestures were laced with huge favors.

Nevertheless, the routine went on despite the growing hesitations in me. I tried to slow his advance, but my flirtatious barrage only made him more aggressive. Things would have spiraled into something close to a commitment had it not for three interventions that stopped me in my tracks:

First was the mention of a conflict with his family.

Second was the unexpected discovery of the joys of hanging out with a friend.

And third was the Despedida for Macoy, where I forgot to inform him of my arrival home.

The first two interventions will have a separate entry. The third, which triggered the fall-out was something that troubled me. You see, I wasn't able to text Tannis when I arrived home after the Despedida. The shortcoming was admitted through a morning greeting the following day. Despite the apologies, he never made his presence felt the whole day. I thought he was busy. However, at the back of my head, I had this inkling that he got mad when I did not text him. His possessiveness was alarming and as a way to get back, I blocked his YM off my list.

The response did not have to be ruthless, but I saw it as a perfect excuse to get out from the entanglement. For someone who was able to hold me by the neck, I knew that his grip might put me back to where I was a month ago. Friday came and it was supposed to be our first date. Tannis texted telling me that his phone had no credits and it was the reason why he wasn't able to reply. I would have bought his excuse, if not for a minor blunder I discovered in his line of thought.

He once texted using a different number when his phone lost credits that Monday. He said that he borrowed the phone from a friend. If the phone was indeed from a friend, then why in good heavens did he use the same number the entire Friday just to reach out and inform me of our date? He even attempted to call me using that number.

My answer is simple: The one he used to communicate with me on a daily basis was his Sun Cellular. No wonder he doesn't memorize the digits when he gave it on our first meeting. It wasn't the number he often used. After patching the pieces together, I also figured out why it took him so long to respond to my text messages when he admitted that he doesn't like waiting for replies.

Tannis was not honest with me from the very start and for that, doubts began to muddle my already confused feelings for him.

Had the date pushed through, it would most likely be his treat. We would watch a movie, dine in a restaurant, drink a couple of beers while sending flirt signals to one another, and probably end up in a motel somewhere. The routine we had established the week before would be reinforced and strengthened. Depending on how romantic the date was and how lasting the impact the sleep-over had, perhaps I would ignore his shortcomings in exchange for the intimacy he was offering. I would follow the same pattern with my two past relationships and end up committing into a new one long before my first month of emancipation arrives.

That would have been our story. Now that I can see things clearly, There is no love in that set-up: only a sense of vindication in getting a rebound from a fucked-up past commitment.

With this in mind, I retreated and cut all my ties with Tannis. I never responded to any of his text messages, including his YM pop-ups that he sent days after our failed date.

The events took shape in just one week. I was overly infatuated during the first two days after our encounter. However, when he expressed his feelings on the third day, the flame of romance had mysteriously disappeared. The first challenge happened on our fourth day and we failed miserably to reach out to one another. Reconciliation was attempted on the fifth, but I was already moving away. I traded the date for a hang-out and with all honesty, the hang-out had more essence - more than the date could ever give.

The Tannis experience can be considered a whirlwind affair gone wrong. It had the trappings of a potential relationship but in the end, I realized that we got each other too easily. In my younger days, I wouldn't mind entering a relationship through these kind of beginnings. After all, never did courting or dating another guy crossed my head:

The surest way into my heart then was through my dick.

But things have to change, and I have to value my freedom more for it took years just to get it.

Today is my first month of singlehood. The adjustments are quite extraordinary and the least thing I would like to do is to get hurt and hurt others because of my confusing habit of attaching myself to people. The Citadel which guards my heart shall be fortified and I will personally man the gates so no trespasser would enter even if my misinformed generals would offer him a heroic welcome.

The callings of lust, which had been my bane for so long will be suppressed. I will consider my hormones as the enemy and no matter how free I am to seek places where flesh can be easily procured, I will save myself just for that one soul who truly deserves me.

It is my hope that November will never see my bouts of rage.

And in its place ushers a time of isolation away from everything that will pose a threat to the harmony I will erect.

---

Saturday

[15:23] tannis: boy! musta!? long time no txt huh!
[15:48] tannis: ok....bye then...nice to know you men!
[15:48] mugen: eiii!!
[15:48] mugen: kakarating ko lang sa station. shensa na, kausap ko TL
[15:48] mugen: musta kaw?


Thursday

[19:13] tannis: kamusta naman?
[19:15] mugen: ayos naman, ikaw kamusta na?

-the end-

Organic Overload

"Mister President, our soldiers on the frontlines have reported a massive troop surge from the RASC," a lieutenant suddenly barged through the door disrupting his conversation with the Energy Secretary. "If we will not hold the Jura Line, they will overrun the city of Basel in a matter of days!"

"Damn those Teutonic bastards! Use whatever necessary force to slow their advance!" The President almost choked after giving his orders.

"Will you grant us the green light to drop the Black Death Bomb on different RASC positions sir?" The lieutenant inquired. Pearls of sweat rolled down the President's withered face. He knows that once the enemy occupies the city of Basel, the entire canton of Zurich including its capital will surrender to the RASC.

"Mister President, if Zurich falls, we will lose control of one of our key gardens." The Energy Secretary advised. "Even if it will cause a global uproar, I strongly suggest that we use our destructive capabilities against Teutonic cities as well!"

"History will never forgive us. I cannot take such responsibility."

"But think of our future sir. The empire will think twice of invading us again when they find out that we have already developed the perfect weapon."

"Do you think they are not aware that we already posses such destructive weapon Mister Secretary?"

The President retreats back to his office desk. The table, with its intricately carved cross and other medieval illustrations embedded on its front and sides still whiffs of pinewood cut from the Western Alps. It has been in his office long before the founding of the Croesus Republic. Breathing deeply, he took a piece of paper with a government insignia written on its top left corner. Silently he began scribbling notes, which the two gentlemen found perplexing. After writing his orders, he pricked his finger using the presidential pen. Droplets of blood began to surface from his pierced skin.

"Use the Black Death against RASC units that are within Croesus' borders." He then pressed his bleeding finger against the piece of white paper. "Your general can verify my orders using genetic scanners. That's all lieutenant."

"Thank you Mister President." The soldier was about to exit the door, when the President gives a follow-up order.

"Tell your superior to evacuate the city of Zurich before nightfall - I want all the children and elderly out of that accursed place. " The president turned his back against the two gentlemen to set his gaze towards the blue skies outside his office. "Humans will forever be ruled by greed. The RSC will never stop until they get what they want."

The lieutenant quietly withdraw from the scene leaving the Energy Secretary with the President.

"So much blood has been shed for our Eastern Rose." The President mumbled.

"Enough is enough."

---

The Jura Line separates the country of Croesus from Teutonia, the former Federal Republic of Germany. Teutonia was once allied with Croesus through cultural and historical ties. However, the RASC invaded this state replacing all its leaders with ones who are now loyal to the empire.

The Black Death is a Croseun superweapon. Whispers tell that its elements were directly condensed from the much-prized Eastern Rose. Information about its effects is strictly confidential. Aside from top-brass generals and lead scienctists of Croesus. Only the President knows of this weapon's existence.

Counting Blue Cars

And yet,
I am willing to run to the ends of the earth
just to be with that one soul;
that one stellar beacon
who somehow speaks and understands my secret language.

Even in its eccentric and temporal orbit,
his planetary gravitational pull holds my tin-can satellite

from drifting aimlessly towards the
coldness of empty space.

---

Hulo, Pasig River Crossing

Ayala Triangle

Krispy Kreme, Boni High Street

---

Must have been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks in the street
And ask many questions like children often do...

We said.

- Dishwalla, Counting Blue Cars

Riverside

And when I return to that same spot by the river at exactly the same time the sun is about to set; when I sit on the pavement where we both rested our weary feet and made a pact for tomorrow; when the sky turns pale blue and the river's currents carry the wandering lotuses toward the sea,

there and then, alone and by myself,

will I hear our voices being echoed by the same water ripples that will forever resonate our memory.

---

"Alam mo, bihira ko lang gawin to... Ang maglakad ng sobrang layo na may kasama. I swear, this is out of the ordinary. Alam mo kung bakit? Madalas may nakakasama lang ako sa inuman or gimmick, pero this? Heto yatang ginawa natin ang closest sa ideal kong lakad. Hindi ko ito malilimutan..."

--

"Ano kayang feeling na maglakad diyan?" He was pointing at the abandoned Sugar Refinery across the river. "May mga mumu kaya diyan?"

"Balang araw ay magiging extension rin yan ng Rockwell," pointing out at the same abandoned refinery. "Magtatayo sila ng tulay sa ilog." I replied a little later.

--

"Would you believe that no sunsets are alike?"

"Ano yun parang kidlat, it doesn't strike twice?"

"Lightning can strike twice kala mo ba?"

--

Though the conversation started the moment I saw him waiting outside the lobby of the building, I couldn't exactly recall now (while writing this) what were our topic or topics during those time we were near the river. There were moment of silence, of course.

- Starbuckoroo: Ako at Si No Ordinary Morning