Introspective

Contrary to my initial beliefs that I have already regained the trust of my boss, I think I flunked again last night.

As the story goes. I went home at around 2 pm yesterday suffering from a severe headache, which I can't still explain its causes until now. However, my boss texted me at around 4 in the afternoon asking me to become a reliever for someone from the night shift since the guy hasn't been reporting for work ever since the week started.

Happily, I agreed to his request thinking it would be good for my image overhaul. So I immediately slept to regain my strength and refresh my mind for the upcoming work last night.

By 10 pm, the work commenced. Slowly, I began adjusting to a different time schedule in the US and in Australia. I was also quite surprised how difficult it is to fight your own body clock which your body completely rejected after starting work in my current company. Imagine, changing yourself from being a nocturnal to completely diurnal for 4 months then all of a sudden, you would make a complete turn around just for one night.

Last night was an uphill battle and I managed to fend boredom and sleepiness until around 4 am in the morning.

Then tragedy struck.

Ever since, I have this very unusual body mechanism where I suddenly black out under extreme stress or sleepiness. It happened many times before with minor implications. This morning, after typing a response to a texter, I simply leaned on my bookcase...

... and the next thing I know, its already morning.

I was caught in a complete surprise. I never thought it coming. In fact, while chatting with the team leader from the night shift, my initial fears were to immediately inform the boss if ever I get disconnected for a very long time. That mean, my load just expired. When I woke up, I said to myself "fuck, i missed my chance again!" while the guilt and embarrasment started creeping in.

For all the improvements I showed this past few weeks after the initial "Stand Alone Conflict," here I go again falling out of grace.

Rica Paralejo got the chance to blame me again this morning. And that added to the depression I am experiencing right now.

I've always thought that I have achieved full maturity and responsibilty after dad passed away... but this kind of situations tells a different story about myself.

From Mami's famous "Akala ko mature ka pala" unforgettable YM message last week, to my own Mother's "You're a lousy decision maker - look at what have you done to the assets of our company" comment last Sunday. Things are getting clearer and clearer in front of me...

Yes, I am not yet the man I used to think I am. Behind the huge front of being bright and mature and responsible hides a little stupid guy who's as clumsy, lousy and shallow than most other guys I know.

Even my writing sucks big time nowadays!

It seems like my complete overhaul will take longer than I've expected. Sometimes, what pains me most is the fact that I feel that I never ascended into something higher in the first place.

That I have descended from my glory days back in college then I settled to simply living a stupid, very uncertain life full of regrets and missed opportunities.

At least, I took the guts to directly explain what happened to my boss, even if in doing so, I would further embarrass myself.

Yet, these are the things that makes me run away as far as I can just to avoid the hurt I just inflicted to my ego again.

Pathetic me... Now I even think, I'm an embarrassment to all the great, successful and powerful homosexuals as well.