Paradigm Shift

I should have been spending my night out tonight.

But instead, I am stuck here at home thanks to my younger sister, whose main activities lately is to hang-out with her tibak friends and plan their next move on how to bring down the government

For more than two months, I've been out of the Malate scene. I've been involved with close friends and family members up to the point of sacrificing my gay self in exchange of being domesticated.

And I did get domesticated. Never did the word homebody ringed a more defined tune nowadays.

Yet is this what I want?

I don't know... I just felt that as weeks pass, the more it gets harder for me to go out of the house at night and spend time with myself.

Lately, only the Odders would make me come out of my homeworld and practice my fabulous lifestyle for a change.

And yet the truth is... I feel the rejection to my former life emanates from within me.

Partying, booze and sometimes even sex doesn't appeal very much anymore.

Well sex... it depends if I will do it with my buddy.

Then there's no question about it.

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Last night, as I was going home after accompanying my aunt from an AMWAY seminar, I chanced upon a young guy who was driving a modified Honda Civic that looks like a race car.

It was a sleek jet black one, with a lowered chassis, a massive shiny mags and a sleek spoiler on the hood.

While I was gazing at him and the car. I just remembered a guy I used to know.

He used to be the son of a renowned tabloid publisher. A 20 year old virgin who dreams of driving a car much like that - joyriding it until the morning comes.

It was his dream to reach Kelly Heights with someone very close to him.

Years had passed and priorities have changed. The power his family used to enjoy is no more.

Even he, was merely reduced to a blue-collar guy who fights his way into a life working for someone else.

Last night, I remembered the guy, while looking at this kid who looks very cool and very daring.

As I gazed into the kids eyes, I remember my own younger self. I could have been the kid driving the car, if things happened the way I wanted it to be.

Indeed 4 years is a very long time.

Tonight, I had the option to go out. But due to the circumstances and the headache I got from worrying about my sister's whereabouts, I just realzied that I can't simply leave home anymore.

I have to surrender my own freedom to make it appear that my mom is still in control of the situation. I also have to reinforce her authority by bowing to her commands, so that my sister would realize that despite my capacity to do what I want with my life. I am still bound by family protocols

Despite the slight tinge of regret and resentment. I know in my own heart that night-outs doesn't appeal to me anymore. The excitement and the thrill I used to breathe and enjoy is long gone and extinct.

After all, I had the best times when everything was still new to me.

It's my sister's turn now...

Indeed, when someone's freedom ends, someone's freedom begins.

It's how life begins a new cycle