Me: 24
Girl: Alam mo, impression ko sayo, napaka-immature mo pa.
Me: Paano mo nasabi.
Girl: Meron akong pamangkin, kasing edad mo siya pero parang kung mag-isip napaka-mature na niya.
Me: Ano nga ang grounds mo para sabihing immature ako.
Girl: Wala lang, the way you think, the way you act. Ganun.
Me: Could you be more specific?
Girl: Basta:
Me: Well I think that's the most stupid remark I've heard so far.
Me: And to be honest with you, I was very insulted.
- IM Disconnected -
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Night falls...
I haven't recoved yet from the initial shock of her remark. On and on, I tried to probe my mind just to find out where did I go wrong and why she said such very insensitive observations about me. I wasn't doing anything when she told that. I wasn't even having a conversation with her when suddenly, her IM popped out of my view screen and started asking me those silly questions.
Is it because telling her all my occasional frustrations gave her that impression?Is it because being close to her gave her an idea that she could freely express everything she wanted to tell me, whether it may be hurtful or disapproving?
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Nasaktan ako sa totoo lang, at hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko pa ba siya sa mga sinabi niya o hindi na.
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What makes matters more enraging is that she doesn't have any idea about the life I'm living. Maybe she thought that I'm just a typical, happy-go-lucky homo guy who loves talking about men, complaining about small things, comparing and profiling people that annoys or interests me. Maybe, that's just what she knows... other things which are more important, doesn't matter to her anymore.
I think Athena is right, she is a very dangerous woman. Someone, I would love to pin down if such opportunity arises. You know whats so sickening about recieving this comments? It makes you less of a person; It makes you forget the things that you have survived through the countless lives you have lived so far; and it makes you hate yourself more, instead of once and for all, embracing who you have become and appreciating the things you have shared in this world.
Because for all I remember, everybody has turned me down - from aunts and uncles who would tell me how hopeless my grades are in elementary, from classmates who would stay away from me because of my nasty unhygienic habits, from a barkada leader who forced me to changed my ways and adopt his standards of "hippiness," from a dad's friend who bluntly told me that I'm too inexperienced and gullible to run a family business... and so much more. Remembering all of them would just turn me into a people hater.
And for all the things they said to me, here I am still trying to catch up and retrieve any pride or confidence still left in me.
No wonder, my people skills are suffering because of such hurtful things they told me before: I avoid crowds, I became a timid and non-confrontational person, I became a renegade and hard to control when it comes to groups. When somebody assesses my personality, I'm not really a team oriented, barkada-centric person. In the long run, I have developed this individualistic instinct that allowed me to enjoy things many people who's not used to being alone would find absurd and impossible.
And because of the same trauma I've got from people, I learned to maintain such high degrees of formality and seriousness, people would have an impression that I'm a very unapproachable and distant person.
Which I am.
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That's why next time, I'd even maintain a higher degree of distance so that people would have a harder time getting closer to me. I'd continue pinning down people who only knows how to criticize other people's shortcomings without any concrete ground or basis.
I will be more vocal this time.
And the next time I hear a nobody snide another stupid remark on my attitude or personality without any basis or concrete evidence that would support their assumptions, I swear I will resign my job immediately.
God knows how much dignity I have already lost ever since I worked in that company.
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