Alyas Jen Marasigan (Last Part)

"Alam mo Bes, bakit ganun. Hindi naman ako effeminate pero nararamdaman ko na may feminine na bahagi sa akin ang gustong makawala?"

"Kasi ganito yun Bes. Given na matigas nga ang exterior mo, pero talagang may pusong babae ka. Live with it, yun rin ang napapansin ko sa personality mo."

Nagsisimula pa lang ako sa pag-eexplore noon nang in-open up ko sa aking kaibigan ang kapansin-pansing twist sa aking pagkatao. At gaya nga ng sabi niya, hindi made-deny na anumang pagkukubli ko sa disguise ng masculinity ay naroon at nakapailalim dito ang unti-unting lumalakas at lumilitaw na feminine side ko.

Nagkataon nga lamang na dahil sa puro koboy na mga binatilyo ang kasama ko sa loob ng anim na taon sa paaralan, masyado na akong nagpakalalaki upang magkaroon pa ng dominance ang femininity sa personality ko.

Kaya't namayagpag ako sa buhay PLU na dala-dala anuman ang legacy na iniwan sa akin ng mga straight kong kabarkada. Naroon at kahit na "paint the town pink" ang laging tema ng Malate noong mga unang buwan at taon ko roon, madalas na ang mga nakakasundo ko pa rin ay yung mga pinaka-masculine na naliligaw sa lugar na iyon.

Hindi ko kinakaila na mas nauna akong na-expose sa mga out kesa sa mga discreet noong mga panahong iyon. Sila kasi ang nag-organize ng GEB sa PEx, kaya naman sumasama lang ako sa kanila para ma-familiarize sa bago kong preference - hanggang sa naka-meet ako ng mga PLU na nakasundo ko talaga ang trip. Minsan naman, kung hindi mga straight-acting ang mga nakakasama ko, doon ako sa mga Femme Lesbian dumidikit. Kahit paano kasi, nakakarelate ako lalo na sa kanilang music trip.

Marahil sa kakadikit sa mga Femme Lesbians ay nagkaroon ng hugis at porma ang feminine personality ko. Noon pa man kasi, alam kong wala sa akin ang pagiging diva-divahan gaya ng idea ng mga ibang PLUs na kilala ko. Hindi rin uso sa akin ang makipagkomprontahan. Nababadtrip ako sa lalaking sobrang ingay na kala mo daig pa nila ang babae sa gaslaw ng kilos. Higit sa lahat, trademark ko na ang pagiging koboy at gentleman, wala pa man sa idea ko ang pagiging PLU. Never mo akong mahuhuli na nakikipag kumpetensya sa babae, bagkus ugali ko pa ring mambola at magflirt paminsan-minsan kahit alam kong deep inside, pareho lang kami ng pinapangarap...

...ang makatagpo ng isang makisig at matapang na lalaki.

Given these circumstances, ang aking feminine personality ay hindi maaring maging average chick lang. Siya yung tipong hindi aasa sa tulong ng isang lalaki, at sa halip, handa siyang makipagsabayan sa opposite sex nang hindi niya direktang nasasagasaan ang ego nito. Itong aking feminine personality ay hindi rin pala-dikit sa mga kikay na babae. Kahit naman noon pa lang, never na akong naging kumportable sa mga babaeng puro pagpapaganda at vanity lang ang kayang pag-usapan sa loob ng isang araw. Sa halip, ang aking feminine personality ay higit na makakarelate sa mga bilat na nagboborder ang ugali sa pagiging isang tibo o bisexual. Let's talk about politics, environment, art, Tori Amos, Dream Pop, at yung mga anime na sikat noong dekada 90. Yun ang tipo ng babae na siguradong trotropahin ko.

Sa mindset kong ito, hindi na nakakapagtaka na magaling akong umamoy ng lesbyana.

May isang panahon na na-adik ako sa isang PC Game na ang pangalan ay Alpha Centauri. Sa mga familiar sa Sid Meier's Civilization, ang strategy game na ito ay continuation ng kilalang empire-building game na ang pagkakaiba lamang ay sa ibang planeta ka nag-eexpand ng iyong empire. Bukod dito, sa halip na mga taong kilala sa kasaysayan ang iyong bida ay mga faction leaders ang namumuno sa iyong bansa.

Dito sa larong ito ay madalas kong piliin ang Gaia's Stepsister bilang aking faction. Bukod kasi na kilala sila bilang mga environmentalist, naaaliw rin ako sa Wiccan, Liberal at Feminist overtones ng faction na ito.

For the first time sa isang PC game, pinili at buong lugod kong tinaggap maging isang babae - si Lady Deidre Skye bilang aking main character. Sa larong ito, hindi lamang ako nagtagumpay sa pag-buo ng isang faction na nirerespeto ng ibang computer players, nagwawagi rin ako sa objective ng laro na maging unang faction na makabalik sa Earth.

Matapos ang karanasan ko sa Alpha Centauri ay hindi na ako nailang gumamit ng female character sa aking mga laro. Na-realize ko rin kasi na gender is irrelevant lalo pa't alam kong higit na mas akma sa role-playing ang character na pinili ko, maging babae man ito o lalaki.

Bunga nitong aking realization, higit kong na-preserve ang aking masculinity kahit pa makisama ako sa mga effeminate at out na bading sa paligid ko. Mas naunawaan ko rin ang differences ng dalawa at hindi ito naging hadlang sa aking hangarin na makipag-kaibigan, maging effeminate man ang aking kaibigang pakikisamahan.

Dumaan ang panahon at nagkaroon rin ng pangalan ang aking feminine persona bilang si Jen Marasigan. Nagsimula ang lahat isang umaga habang nasa pier kami ng Bataan ng mga Odders at nag-iintay ng service na magdadala sa amin sa Montemar. Napagkatuwaan ng isa naming tropa na habang nag-iintay ng sasakyan ay magtawagan muna kami ng babaeng pangalan upang pang-asar ng mga ibang pasaherong kasama naming na-istranded sa pier.

"Dahil Marvin ang pangalan mo, ikaw na ngayon si Marivic."

"Habang ikaw naman Sonny ay si Sonya Ganda."

Siyempre, aliw ang mga bading dahil first time nilang magkaroon ng girlie name. Ngunit sa kaso ko, ang pangalang Joms ay mahirap mahanapan ng girlie na equivalent.

"Jomarie?" Masyadong masculine pa rin, sa loob-loob ko.

"Joma?" As in Joma Sison? Madaya, nagpalit pa tayo ng pangalan. Reklamo ko pa rin sa aking sarili.

"Jen na lang itawag niyo sa akin." Suggestion ko sa mga bakla habang ang isa naman naming tropa ay naghahawi ng kanyang imaginary bangs habang tinatawag nilang Dennise.

Lingid sa kanilang lahat ay mayroon pa akong apelyidong naiisip para sa girlie name ko. Marasigan. Bukod kasi sa medyo astigin itong apelyido ay naalala ko rin si Buddy Marasigan ng Eraserheads sa tuwing bibigkasin ko ito.

Tamang tama sa feminine personality kong naglalaro sa aking utak.

Lumipas ang ilang linggo at marami sa amin ang nakalimot na sa kanilang babaeng pangalan. Nagsimula na kasi ang karir season kaya naman ang karamihan sa amin ay nagbalik na sa kanilang pag-aastang barako.

Subalit hindi ko madaling makakalimutan ang pangalang Jen Marasigan. Gaya kasi ni Joem Endymionne, ang pangalang dapat sana ay ibibigay ko sa aking anak na lalaki, magkamali man akong makabuntis. Si Jen ay naging bahagi ko na.

Had I known it earlier, I would have lived up to that name, knowing it describes my inner femininity

At gaya ng Reyna sa larong Chess, ang aking feminine persona ay higit na mas palaban kesa sa aking masculine personality...

...na sa tuwing ako ay napapasubok sa piling ng mga barakong higit na mas matigas sa akin - gaya sa gym - sa tuwing ako ay nagbubuhat ng mas mabigat na barbell o kaya naman ay sa tungaan ng Red Horse beer - kung saan ay bottoms-up ang labanan ay higit na mas lumilitaw.

Maniwala ka man o sa hindi, minsan, ang aking feminine character ang siyang tumutulak sa akin upang higit na mas magpaka-lalaki,

Lalo pa't lumilitaw na incapable at nagiging disappointing ang straight na lalaki para sa akin.

Swinger State

It was a fatal mistake that of all the ungodly hours I spent every night, I decided to engage in a Babylon 5 DVD marathon last night. For in less than two hours after I had gone to sleep, I was rudely awakened by an emergency call from the office this morning.

The person who called was our portly lesbian assistant team leader. Apparently, the operator in my account from their shift felt that there was a need for him to arrive at fashionably late manner, only that, his plans did not fall on anyone's ear.

As a result, I was humbly asked to report for work.

Knowing that my presence - any operator's presence was needed for that account. I immediately got out of bed, brushed my teeth and did my morning rituals at breakneck speed. Every time it happened, I get denied to at least take a bath, or even have a leisurely walk from home going to the main street. The moment I leave the house, it's always a mad rush to get the fastest cab going to the office.

The operator in question eventually arrived just in time for my cab to stop in front of the building. At first, the ATL said that there's no need for me to go to report. However, since I was already there and it's impossible for me to get some sleep after my adrenalin had already kicked off, I decided to time in even if my presence is not needed anymore.

I won't simply torment myself spending my waking hours for more than 20 hours.

Fortunately, even in my worst lethargic state, I could respond with much skill to the questions being thrown to us by our client's users. My account partner was very much awake, but the initial slowness of his response would have gotten us into more trouble, had I not been there to provide him with support.

I did well for most of the hours I was half-awake. But as an organic lifeform that requires rest. My system bogged down just a few hours before our shift had ended. Right when everyone was busy catching up with their daily quotas, I was there sleeping peacefully on my chair.

---

This is not the first time I was asked to do a sacrifice for our new account.

The last time it happened, it was Mami who personally asked me to assist Princess to help him with the account. It was my day-off then, but work required that I should be in the office.

A few lifetimes before and I would have bitterly complained of my situation. After all, no one in his right mind would ever love to trade places with me - especially when that person finds out that I am technically on-call 24 hours a day.

But what can I say, the office has become the extension of my room. Even the HR people would answer for me every time a colleague would ask why I'm in the office when it's not my time yet for my shift. "Dito na ang bahay niyan. Kulang na lang na magdala yan ng kumot para pwede na niyang gawing bedroom yung isang kwarto." They would laugh and I would just smile at them before going back to my station, which is located at the far end of the floor.

Blame my front-liner principle for my willingness to spend long hours at work - even if my presence is not needed. Perhaps, I've taught myself to be persistent enough for this new account to grow and prosper under a selected individuals personally picked by the management itself.

I just can't let them down. That's all.

And I would not mind showing up in any shift, if it would help the company effectively comply to our new client's demands.

I just hope that in the long course of time, my personal sacrifices would not go in vain.

We have come this far and I would not want to see things crumble knowing that I could have done something;

anything for the only workplace I have grown to see as my second home.

---

btw, he-whose-name-must-not-be-mentioned (lol) does think much of you. he said to me "Di ba Jay can handle either one of these new, demanding accounts?"

I nod so much, feeling ko ako 'yung aso na display sa kotse, 'yung tango nang tango ever eternally. bwahahaha

He goes "Yes, he can. I know how good he is as an employee. Very reliable, very much at ease and skilled in the job. We're on the same page about him."

Deracinee
Twitter Blog|The Office Life

Under 1 Minute

Saturn keeps asking you to be responsible and make sure that whatever you do is in alignment with your ultimate goals, and there’s a reason why he’s asking. You’re moving into a high-powered position, and you’ll be there very shortly, if you’re not there already. As a major voice of authority in the world, you’ll need to be the example of a well-integrated person, whatever that means to you. This week your desire for adventure will far outweigh your capacity to reason, so please be conscious. You can have a great time, spending your money and sharing the fun with everyone you know, but in the end you have to be sure that the way you come off to others isn’t undermining all your hard work. This week you could throw away a decade of labor for a moment of fun. Proceed with care.

Astrological forecast for the week of April 21 - 27, Sagittarius
Notes Along A Journey Blog

---

Darkstar: Joms ang tanga tanga mo talaga!

Joms: Alam ko, and I am so proud of my stupidity.

Mugen: Haha Pucha under one minute, nakahanap ka kaagad ng karir pagkapasok mo sa loob ng Che'Lu. Sinong mag-aakalang ganito ka na kabangis ngayon.

Joms: Kaya nga matindi rin ang control ko eh. Alam ko kung ano ang potentials ko... matagal na.

Pulsar: Ano ba talaga ang nangyari. Magkwento ka naman for the sake na may pag-uusapan tayo.

Joms: Ganito yun mga parekoy. Sinamahan ko yung mga tropa ko sa Odders mag-Malate ngayong gabi kasi daw matagal na silang hindi nakakabalik dun. Nagmamagandang-loob lang naman ako dahil sa kanilang lahat, ako lang talaga ang hindi nawalan ng connection sa lugar. In fact, karamihan nga ng mga ka-generation namin ay bathouse at massage parlors na ang pinupuntirya eh. Just for old time sake, I went to Malate and brought them with me.

Pulsar: Okay. Bakit ka sinabihan ng tanga ni Darkstar?

Joms: As usual, balik ako sa dating hang-out. Nagkataon naman na habang papunta kami sa dance floor ay may na-ispatan akong lalaking pasok na pasok sa trip ko.

Mugen: Nagkataon na trip rin niya si Joms. We could see it in his eyes.

Pulsar: Mind describing this guy to me?

Joms: Ordinary guy lang siya sa standards ng marami. Mga 5'6 ang tangkad, payat at kayumanggi ang kulay ng kanyang balat. Naka-cap siya na white at yellow ang suot niyang polo.

Pulsar: So anong nakita mo dito sa binata at bakit mo siya nagustuhan?

Darkstar: Ako na ang sasagot para kay Joms. Gaya ng mga natritripan niya, he stands out among the crowd. Mukhang sanggano. May goatie na, may soul patch pa sa mukha. Mapungay ang kanyang mga mata at sa tindig pa lang ay alam mong barako siya.

Mugen: Yeah. Rugged type ang gusto ni Joms eh, and he very much fitted into his ideal guy.

Pulsar: Gaya ni Bamboo-looking guy at ni boylet from last time?

Joms: Oo. Ewan ko ba, bakit may fetish ako sa mga lalaki na mukhang muslim o kaya naman ay bad boy. Kulang na lang ay bentahan niya ako ng dibidi eh.

Darkstar: Matangos kasi ang ilong kaya ka baliw sa kanya.

Pulsar: So anong nangyari pagkatapos.

Joms: Obviously gusto namin ang isa't isa. Pero dude, I swear, hindi ako sasama ang loob kung mapupunta siya kay Nate, yung isa kong tropa. Nung una nga, sila ang gusto kong i-pair up eh.

Darkstar: Kaso mo, kay Joms siya pumunta. Si Joms rin ang unang nagpakita ng interest sa kanya.

Mugen: To continue the story, nagsayaw sila for around two hours. Walang palitan ng partner yun ha. At mind you, close dancing ito. I wouldn't be surprised if they touched each other's body dahil dun.

Darkstar: Which is what they actually did. Grabe. Ang sarap sana halikan ng chest nung guy. Balbon kasi. Arghhh!! Bakit ba kasi ngayon pa naging torpe si Joms eh.

Pulsar: Is that all that happened?

Joms: Ah eh..

Darkstar: To continue the story. Masikip sa loob ng dance floor. Nagkataon na umatake na naman ang pagiging knight in shining armor nitong kupal nating kaibigan kaya hayun, feeling protected ang lalaki. Sa lapad ba naman ni Joms, literal na binakuran niya si binata habang sayaw lang ng sayaw ang lalaki. Naghubad pa nga siya ng damit eventually eh.

Mugen: Habang si Joms naman ang nalamog sa lahat ng mga dumaraan. Ewan ko na lang, if some guy did that to Joms, hindi rin ako magtataka na lumambot talaga ang puso niya sa taong ito.

Darkstar: Which I think is what really happened. Even toughies would appreciate being protected when they feel vulnerable. It's a human nature.

Joms: How I wish someone would do that to me. Pero sadya atang ako ang laging mahilig tumapat sa line of fire eh.

Pulsar: Any violations you did? Tahimik si Dominus. Something naughty must have happened.

Joms: Ni-lips to lips ko yung guy. Masyadong tense ang aming sayawan eh, bumigay ako sa kanya.

Darkstar: Ni-lips to lips nga, daig pa si Maria Clara sa pagiging mahinhin humalik. Haay.

Joms: Alam ko na hesitant siya sa kanyang gagawin. He's trying to show a very masculine image to everyone eh. Tingin mo ba, bakit naghubad ako ng damit kasabay niya nung nagsasayaw kami?

Pulsar: Bakit nga ba??

Joms: Dahil ayaw ko siyang mapag-isa sa gagawin niya. Isa pa, I don't want to appear na subordinate sa kanya no? Even if my chest, I think, is still sagging, my shoulders and my back could compensate for my shortcomings.

Pulsar: Now that we have established that something happened. Did it end up elsewhere?

Mugen: Unfortunately no.

Darkstar: Sayang. Chance ko na yun para may matikmang bago.

Joms: I already violated the Awakening agreement. At least man lang, I could avert a greater disaster by doing the almost impossible by ending the intimacy right on the dance floor.

Darkstar: Gusto ka talaga nung guy Joms. Sumunod na sayo palabas, pinisil pa ang etits mo para ipaalam sayo na gusto ka niya makasex.

Joms: Kaya nga diba pinisil ko rin ng pasimple yung sa kanya para malaman niyang trip ko rin siya. I can bring him to the nearest motel if I want to. Kaso mo nagpaalam ako na may work pa ako.

Darkstar: Nagsinungaling ka nga eh... Kung di mo ginawa yun, I can give him our best. I'd make sure he will never forget us.

Joms: And as the price, I might... get attached.

Pulsar: Good thing you are aware of that.

Joms: Sa mga nangyayari sa akin at sa buhay pag-ibig ko, I have all the right in the world to look for someone who could make me feel. Namimiss ko na ma-infatuate, ang masiraan ng bait dahil sa isang tao. Let's not talk about Phanks, pero kapag nasisiraan ako ng bait sa kanya, it's because I worry. It's not because I am intoxicated with infatuation.

Darkstar: Let's not delve into that aspect of your life. Chill dude.

Pulsar: Love and lust are two different matters. The only problem is, you pretend to be tough, when you know, only a thin wooden wall prevents you from crashing into someone else's life.

Dominus: It was very disappointing. But I am proud that you exchanged your earthly desires for your higher goals. It was extremely close, but you managed to get out in one piece.

Joms: I did. I even sealed everything by giving him a fake number. I swear, I won't think twice of hanging out with that guy, especially if I find out that our interests are the same if I gave him my true number.

Darkstar: Hindi kaya nag-sayang ka ng pagkakataon para mahanap ang iyong tunay na kaligayahan?

Joms: But this is my life. Much as I would like to get a number 2, I know it is very unfair for the one. I never intended P-Man for that position, but he was, now that I am not afraid of admitting it, close to being that person.

Darkstar: Nanghihinayang pa rin ako. Parang iniwan mo sa ere yung guy.

Joms: I wouldn't mind letting you out and transform into a real human if it would make him feel comforted. I made him feel that I was his, until I decided to wake up from our dream.

Joms: Given the chance that something happened between us. I wouldn't follow my lust. Instead, it would be a night of affection. Ganun naman hanap ng mga taong nag-iisa dun diba? All they want is to feel needed. They want to feel that someone is beside them and will never leave their side. Expert tayo sa ganyang emotions parekoy.

Darkstar: Kaya ang mga one night stand mo eh nauuwi sa relasyon o sa FUBU dahil sa ganyan mong prinsipyo eh.

Joms: Precisely, that's why I avoid doing sex with sleepovers before. I make the person feel, for the lack of proper word to use, loved. Kala mo mahirap rin sa akin yun, kasi nakakaramdam rin ako. The mere fact I am willing to stay and keep the person company means I am investing my emotions. Sa pag stay ko kasi imposibleng walang sentihan ang maganap.

Joms: Remember Darkstar, I know you are my tough side. Pero know what, the best feeling in the world is to wake up with someone sleeping beside you. Yung tipo bang madiin pa ang pagkakayakap sayo at ginagawa kang unan.

Darkstar: Fine. Tama na nga ang drama. So it's the end for that guy. Sayang talaga but it's your call. Bilib ako sa self control at diskarte mo. It only shows you're becoming one with yourself.

Joms: I wish.

Pulsar: So paano guys. What will happen next?

Dominus: I suggest Joms should stop going to Malate for the meantime. Palagi na lang ganito nauuwi ang storya eh. If he really desires to achieve a higher state of consciousness, he should, by all means, abstain from all earthly pleasures.

Joms: I am just human not to long for those desires.

Darkstar: Joms is just human not to feel horny all the time. Dinadaan na nga lang niya sa Jeff Palmer madalas eh.

Dominus: But you made a promise before. Don't tell me you're backing out now that you're beginning to reap the rewards of your sacrifices.

Joms: I will try my best to keep still. It would be very challenging, but I pray that I will never forget my word.

Pulsar: Well then, the conference is over and let's call it a night. Thank you boys for sharing your inputs and explanations. So far, we're doing well as a team and we should keep it that way.

Darkstar: Sayang pa rin...

Joms: I will think about him for days. I wonder how things would have been had I given him my number.

Dominus: Only time will tell, but I believe that he is not part of your fate. You did the right thing by letting him go.

Joms: Then I resign to my current state of existence. I sincerely hope that he will find the person he is looking for.

---

Ngunit habang kami ay nagsasayaw sa dilim
at magkayakap ng mahigpit. Sa kanyang mga
ngiti at lapit ng aming mga labi sa isa't isa'y
ramdam ko ang kanyang saya sa
pagkakaroon ng kasama.

Kahit pa ito'y isang pangmagdamagan lang.

Life Of A Game Master

He sleeps at past three in the morning and wakes up not earlier than 10 am the following day. He gets up from his single-size mattress bed and head towards the bathroom to take a shower. Jet sprays of water from the nozzle hit his eyes. "It hurts!" he complains. "Maybe I should give myself a time off from too much exposure to the flat screen monitor."

However, work demands that he should always be in front of the computer.

He leaves his tiny apartment located somewhere in Guadalupe before noon. His place is just a stone-throw away from where he works. Before entering the building, he grabs his lunch consisting of high-cholesterol fried meat and huge serving of carbohydrates from a fast-food restaurant across the street. His office is on the eight floor. Probably, he would eat his lunch late in the afternoon with his colleagues around him discussing the latest electronic gadgets available in the market.

Anime figures surround his office cubicle. They are like sleeping minions awaiting his command. In his past life perhaps, he played a Cosplay character. He might have been a manga collector, until his little brother sold his collection to another fellow. A Mongol pencil he left last night lies somewhere under his chair. This pencil, which he used to make doodles of his favorite cartoon character will soon find its way back to his table. His anal best friend, who loves watching porn from his computer will soon notice the pencil missing from his buddy's inventory. He will pick it up, maybe inspect it for scratches and then sharpen it before putting the pencil back in the pencil cup.

Finally, his Dell Computer - the top of the line from last year's model has been kept below freezing temperature thanks to the centralized AC of his office. It has survived countless crashes and multiple hackings. It has also been reformatted several times upon the request of its user. This Dell Computer, which is at the moment turned off, is his greatest weapon. It controls the destinies of players, especially when he is the one organizing a game event.

And the moment he presses the ON button,
is the time the powers of cyberspace begins to flow smoothly on his fingertips.

He has now become the game master, the omniscience behind all virtual worlds.

Being the overlord, he looks after uninstructed players who get lost or abused by other players of the game he is tasked to manage. He is the virtual god, whose presence threatens even the immortality of the NPCs. (Non Playable Characters) He monitors all traffic - including the news and rumors circulating from every online fora that mention his game. When he reveals his presence, he rewards loyal guild leaders and players with rare artifacts as long as they could beat him in his game. These gracious offerings courtesy of the company's division of content writers prolong the addictive potentials of the game.

At the end of the day, his existence is a good as long as he remains the master of the game assigned to him. Nevertheless, he remains the lord of Mozilla Firefox whose powers include unlimited streaming and downloading of music, videos or even other online games hacked from every corner of cyberspace.

But the moment he leaves work, he surrenders all the god-like qualities given to him by his seemingly blissful job. With so much to lose in a very small window of time, many game masters extend their rulership by logging on to their personal computers the moment they arrive home. I don't know. It is just recently that I met a game master myself. But if you ask me how I think of what their lives are.

I wonder how it feels like being offline, even for just one day?

---

4 pm.

I was invited by a friend who works for an online gaming company in his office. We agreed that I would play some of their MMORPG games so that I may be inspired and write about them on my blog. I promised him that my review would come out in the coming days. Despite getting only 4 hours of sleep because of some work demands, I cannot deny that I enjoyed the experience. Not only I was able to see how gamers play at work, I also get to talk to them about how their lives revolve in such a world.

MMORPG

Simula pa lang pagkabata ay nakilala na ako bilang isang master strategist pagdating sa computer games. Naroon at dumating ang panahon na sa halip na nakikinig ako sa aming teacher sa values education noong elementary ay abala ako sa paggawa ng plano kung paano matatapos ang Mario 3 nang hindi kailangang daanan ang lahat ng stage. Sa tulong ng Warp Whistle ay nakaabot ako ng World 8 nang hindi dumaraan ng World 6 at 7. Ilang linggo pa ang lumipas simula noong ako ay nagplano at natapos ko rin ang laro.

Ganito rin ang ginawa ko noong nadiskubre ko ang Sid Meier's Civilization sa computer. Sa murang edad na katorse ay tinuring na akong empire builder ng mga kalaro kong geek sa game na ito. Natatandaan ko pa nga, habang ang lahat ng estudyante sa internet cafe ay abala sa paglalaro ng NBA o kaya naman ng Street Fighter, kami naman ng mga katropa ko ay nakikipagdiplomasya kay Stalin o kaya naman kay George Washington o kay Alexander the Great para hindi ma-nuke ang mga siyudad na pinaghirapan naming itayo. Siyempre, lahat ito ay nangyayari sa computer. Malay ba ng iba naming mga kasama kung bakit nababadtrip kami sa tuwing nagsne-sneak attack ang mga kalaban namin.

Marami pa sana akong kwento tungkol sa karanasan ko pagdating sa video games. Subalit, ang entry na ito ay tungkol sa isang uri ng laro na napapansin kong usong-uso sa mga kidzz ngayon.

Lingid sa alam ng marami ay nag-online gaming rin ako noong ito'y kaka-introduce pa lang sa Pinas. Uso pa noon ang PLDT Vibe at kaunti pa lang ang may DSL sa kanilang mga bahay. Palibhasa'y halos unlimited ang access ko sa internet kaya naman sinamantala ko ang pagkakataon at nag-install ako ng isang online game na sumikat ng todo-todo ilang taon na ang nakalipas.

Bilang respeto sa aking sponsor ay hindi ko babanggitin ang pangalan nitong larong ito. Basta ang natatandaan ko, kulay green at may hati ito sa gitna ang buhok ng main character ko. Mukha rin itong anime na kapansin-pansing mas malaki ang ulo kesa sa kanyang katawan.

Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay nagsimula ang player ko sa isang simbahan doon sa bayan kung saan matatagpuan rin ang karamihan ng mga guilds sa larong iyon. Natatandaan ko rin na may matatagpuang gubat pagkalabas na pagkalabas mo ng bayan na ito. Palibhasa'y baguhan pa lang ako't mahina pa ang aking bida kaya naman ang dali rin nitong madedo sa tuwing sinubukan kong patayin yung mga praying mantis na nagkalat doon sa gubat. Tuloy, habang ako ay nagpapataas ng experience points ay madalas napapagdiskitahan ko yung mga halimaw na mukhang teardrop at tinatawag nilang Poring.

Ilang creatures rin na ganito ang kailangan kong imassacre bago ko napatay ang una kong prying mantis.

---

Dumaan ang mga araw at tuluyan na akong nahumaling sa larong ito.

Dedma na sa kung magkano ang babayaran ni Papa sa bill ng PLDT. Ang importante ay lalong lumakas ang character na pinili kong maging isang Acolyte sa online game na iyon. Ang Acolyte ay tinuturing na supporting unit na madalas ay sinasama tuwing may tatalunin na malakas na kalaban ang ibang manlalaro. Role ng isang Acolyte ang lumagi sa mga lugar kung saan walang mga halimaw at mag-heal ng mga players na malapit ng mapatay ng kalaban.

In fairness sa pagiging Acolyte ay napaka-feminine ng trabahong ito. Madalas ay naiimagine ko ang aking sarili bilang isang comfort woman na ang trabaho ay pasiglahin si Buraot19 at si Pyromaniacboy habang tinatalo nila ang isang napakalakas na Munak sa kweba ng Payon.

Sa tuwing ako naman ay nababagot sa paulit-ulit na pagpatay ng mga halimaw upang tumaas ang experience points ay tumatambay ako sa mga lugar kung saan naroon ang mga Merchants. Sila yung mga players na hanggang online ay dala-dala ang kanilang pagiging magulang sa kapwa. Madalas ay matatagpuan mo ang mga ito na nakaupo at nagbebenta ng mga potions, weapons at amulets na hino-hoard rin ng ibang mga Merchant doon. Sinumang naglalaro ng online game na ito ay imposibleng hindi sila mahagilap. Bukod kasi sa may dala-dala silang stroller ay madalas na may shout-out message pa ang mga ito.

Carrots for sale
Jellopy paubos na!!
Resin for trade

Madaling araw man o kaya prime time bida sa channel 2 ay online sila't handang magbenta hanggang sa may ipagbibili. Bilang pang-asar sa mga Merchants na ito ay makailang ulit rin akong gumawa ng sariling shout-out para magpapasin sa ibang manlalaro. For a time, naging ugali ng mga tao roon ang gumawa ng kanya-kanya nilang shout-out message lalo na't walang aksyong nagaganap online.

SEB tayo, Manila here 21m
Palimos po ng biyaya. May libreng kiss sa akin.
Nagbibigay sarap. Acolyte here, sino ang interesado??

Tumagal rin ng ilang buwan ang addiction ko sa online game na ito. Sa kasamaang palad ay nadiskubre ng erpats ko ang biglaang pagtaas ng phone bill namin matapos akong magsign-up sa PLDT Vibe. Sa galit niya sa akin ay pinaputol niya ang linya ng telepono sa kwarto ko. Kasunod naman noon ang announcement na isasara na ang beta version ng laro. Masyado kasi itong sumikat at kailangan na kumita ng kumpanyang nag-introduce nito sa Pilipinas.

Hindi na ako ulit nag-sign up pagkatapos noon. Nagbalik rin ako sa pagiging pirata ng PC Games, habang unti-unti namang nakukuha ng The Sims ang atensyon ko sa computer. Ngayon, sa tuwing nakakakita ako ng mga junjun* na inaabot ng pasado hatinggabi sa internet cafe para maka-level up lang sa larong Mu Online ay muling bumabalik sa alaala ko ang mga panahong katulad ko rin sila.

It's just a game like all others.

Iyon ang sasabihin ng mga nakagraduate na sa kinaadiktan natin.

Subalit aminin man natin o sa hindi, ibang experience pa rin ang naidudulot ng mga online games, lalo na't tila walang saysay ang mundo ng katotohan para sa atin.

---

Magdamag nag-aabang maglalaro kaya
Ang dalagang nagtatago sa alyas na maldita
Sa dating tagpuan sa bayan ng prontera
Katabi ng tindahan ng magic at sandata

- Chicksilog, Kamikazee

Notes From The Battlefront

Starlog 0001 082404

It's past 1 o' clock in the morning and I'm still here in the office.

My shift had ended several hours ago. But since we had started the new service this evening, everyone in the top management is busy addressing the challenges of our new account. As of this writing, Mami Athena is busy shuttling from the boss' office to where the two graveyard colleagues are seated. She's the chief coordinator of this project and being second to the boss, her meticulousness and knowledge of the account is required to make everything smooth sailing.

The boss is at his small office, a few steps away from where my temporary station is. He is the one talking to the clients as Mami throws him all problems that comes up with the service. To keep their frustration at bay, they poke fun at everything - even to the point of using their imagination to picture what our foreign counterparts look like. Everyone seems to be in the jovial mood especially after the boss threw a mini-party last midnight to welcome the new account. It would be a long night so he must make sure that everyone's spirits remain sky-high.

I don't know what my role is with the whole operation. I shouldn't be here in the first place. But since I decided to self-style myself as the front-liner, I felt that its my duty to stay and observe while my colleagues work out the solutions posed by the new project. Besides, Princess is counting on me to give him the primer before he works with the account in the morning. I'm sure that he would find the work strangely familiar but the interface - with all its technicalities would give him some initial headache before he gets familiar with the system.

The account is something we haven't seen before. But with everyone pouring their energies to make this project work, I am confident that we would succeed in the end. There is much at stake, now that we're pretty aware that we're working on a huge account. With the company on the crossroads, I don't want to be left out while others are sweating just to shape a brighter future for everyone.

It's not my habit to write double entries in a single day, but this is history we are making. In a few months - or years, when we succeed in this endeavor, I would like to look back on this entry just to savor this moment when we're all struggling.

We will survive by our wits and experience in handling this kind of service, and in the face of new colleagues that would come and make our little family swell one day, I would be very honored to retell this story of our beginnings and how we're able to overcome it as a family.

I will surely miss this night.

For when I start my shift tomorrow, I know, everything will just be happily ordinary.

I, Planet Earth

A friend once wrote on his G4M profile a revelation told to him by a psychic.

What he had was a regression reading. The psychic told him that in one of his earlier lives, he was a tree residing in a large track of impassable forest. My friend said that after the reading, he finally understood why he felt so close to anything that is green and organic. I am not sure if, after the reading, he found a greater sense of respect to the environment. All I know is that he's now a respected literature professor in Dela Salle University.

Sometimes, I envy what the psychic told him. I, for one, tries to believe in reincarnation. I could simply not accept that my existence is bound only to this present lifetime. I could feel that something deep runs through my veins; I could feel it every time I'm left having an intimate communion with nature.

But this entry is not about reincarnation, or about some wishful thinking that I should also be an old tree in my past life. It's about some more pressing concern, that I should have blogged yesterday. It's about the state of environment and the more I become aware of it, I'm beginning to see the connection between our present social problems and how it's bound to become graver if we ignore the signs that is now showing in front of us.

There is a global food crisis. No matter how my sister or some dimwit tambay I know insist that it's a government propaganda, the truth is that it exists. Let's leave it to the governments to address the problem. But I believe that the root cause of this crisis is not China or India getting more prosperous, or oil prices sharply rising in the world market, but because of the strain we're putting on the environment.

The carbon emissions we release into the atmosphere results to a hotter climate. The relentless slash and burn of our remaining forests aggravates the situation by denying the planet a natural carbon scrubber. Greed and shameless materialism takes over and as a result, we consume more than we should be taking from nature. Nature strikes back, and what we get are more violent storms, deadlier and costlier floods and landslides. And now, what we have is a food crisis.

Let's say hello to the end of humanity.

Time and again, I told myself to sign up with any organization that would let its members plant tree saplings around the city. So far, I haven't secured any contact information yet. A few weeks ago, I promised to blog the cutting of old trees along Katipunan Road to make way for the expansion of the highway. Every time I see those trees amidst the backdrop of construction work makes me feel that we had just put a death sentence not to a log, but to an old, and presumably wise creature that has been standing there long before any of us were ever born.

I feel so ashamed that we've gotten so low all in the name of progress.

Last night on Bandila, it was revealed that Manila is one of the most polluted cities in the world. Our carbon emission is twice the maximum allowed by world standards. It was also revealed on the news program that 90% of our forests has been cut down and that, the greatest polluter today are not the jeepneys but the tricycles that ply our city's secondary routes.

With the government busy addressing the rice problem, I don't see any progress happening soon. GMA may have sweet words to tell the foreign press, but a direct response would still have to take a backseat.

If only the next president would be more sensitive to the real concerns of the planet.

I'm looking for ways to reduce my carbon footprint, so that I could personally contribute to the global effort to stop global warming. So far, I've made very little progress. After the PETA rally last week in Quiapo, where I infamously told someone that I would love to nibble the lettuce covering one of the model's private parts, my diet began to shift from exclusively meat-based dishes to vegetable-based dishes. I know it's great for my body, but also better for the environment.

Still, it takes some real honest effort to make things work.

But everytime I remember how a friend was told that he was once a tree in a sea of forests, I think that in my past life, perhaps I was a tree as well.

Looking at how living things are interconnected, maybe I could even proudly proclaim that I am planet Earth.

Its suffering also spells my own suffering.

MMA | Boku Wa Kuma

Masarap tumambay sa gym matapos ang isang intense na work-out.

Naroon na manood ka ng ibang nagwo-work out at magspot ng cute. (Marami nun sa gym ko. Hindi lang sila buff, talagang ripped pa ang mga katawan!) Minsan naman, masarap magmasid kung sino talaga ang mga adik sa 45 lbs iron plates. Bilang isa sa mga old-timers ng Eclipse, nakaka-insecure minsan na malaman na yung nagbubuhat sa tabi mo ay higit na mas mabigat ang weight capacity sa squats kesa sa iyo. (Shit, bakit kaya niya ang 190 lbs samantalang ako ay hanggang 180 lang? Hindi kaya dahil EDT ang program ko at ang kanya naman ay 5X5 lang?) At the best sa lahat, masarap tumambay sa gym pagkatapos ng isang intense na work-out upang umamoy ng kapwa PLU na nagpapaka-straight all for the sake of maintaining the "all-barako" environment ng gym namin.

Masyado kasi nilang tinitira ang Fitness First sa mga forums (gaya ng Men's Health at Pinoyexchange) dahil sa mga nangyayari sa loob ng locker at shower room nito. Kaya naman sa amin, mariing pinagbabawal ang gumawa ng kahit anong kalokohan sa loob ng locker room. Dati pa nga ay may nakapaskil na warning na "anyone caught doing acts of immorality inside the gym premises will be subject to voiding of membership." Ganun. Therefore, kahit anong paramdam ni Ginoo sa akin nitong mga nakaraang linggo ay ignore lang ako.

Subalit dahil lagi akong ipit sa aking trabaho, ang pagtambay ay ang "the least of my priorities" sa tuwing magagawi ako sa gym.

Hanggang kanina. Natyempo kasi ang pagbubuhat ko sa araw na wala akong pasok sa trabaho.

Sa totoo lang, matagal ko nang pinag-iisipan kung makakabuti ba sa akin ang mag-enroll sa kanilang Mixed Martial Arts program.

Naalala ko kasi yung kaguluhang naganap dito sa aming lugar ilang linggo na ang nakakaraan. Sakaling nagkainitan kami ng war-freak kong kapitbahay, di malayong magpakita ako sa inuman ng mga tropa na may black-eye sa mata.

Isa pa, nanghihinayang rin ako kasi sa

laki at lapad kong ito,

hanggang sindak lang ang kaya kong gawin sa ibang tao. Hindi ko pa kasi natetest kung yung pagbabatak ko ba sa gym ay may epekto rin sa tigas ng aking kamao.

Kaya naman kanina, sa unang pagkakataon na tumambay ako sa gym ay sa fighting room ako unang pumunta. Naroon rin kasi si Blakedaddy (Head Coach ng Eclipse na sikat sa Pinoyexchange) kaya naman ayos lang akong manood ng mga sparring na nagaganap kanina.

Sa kasamaang palad ay wala akong nakitang aksyon. Merong dalawa na nagwre-wrestling sa dulo, samantalang ang iba naman ay nagwa-warm up pa lang sa harap ng salamin. Nakakaboring nga kung tutuusin eh. Mabuti na lamang at ang dahilan ko talaga kanina sa aking pagtambay ay abangan ang pagsulpot ng aming poster boy sa G4M. Sa tinagal-tagal ko kasing nakisama sa kanya upang mag-recruit ng mga bagong members para sa gym namin ay hindi man lang ito nakipagkilala sa akin.

Makaraan ang ilang minuto ay umalis na rin ako sa fighting room para magtungo sa locker at maligo. Gaya ng mga naudlot kong balak noong nakaraan, ang planong mag-enroll sa MMA ay hanggang pangarap na lang muna.

Astig sana ang matangkad ka na, malaki na ang katawan mo

at kaya mo pang mangbalibag ng isang straight na lalaki na babastos sa iyo.

Ang tikas sana na kahit alam mong may taglay kang binabae sa iyong personality ay untouchable ka pa rin ng mga maton na haharang sa iyo.

Maybe in the far future, sakaling may makakumbinsi sa aking maging MMA fighter gaya noong mga napanood ko kanina: Dumating man ang panahon na kaya ko ng mag-angas na siguradong kaya kong panindigan ang lahat ng gagawin ko: Maging sanggano man ako ng Orosa-Nakpil for all I care,

Subalit sa oras na makapanood ako ng video katulad nito.



Asahan mo na kahit napapalibutan na ako ng mga kaaway sa paligid, mamumutawi pa rin sa aking bibig ang mga katagang ito.

"Ang Kyuuuuuuuuttt naman nung teddy bear!!"

Bahala na kung umuwi pa rin akong tadtad ng pasa sa katawan at may limang bukol sa ulo.

Ikalima

Ang pangarap ng iba ay naging pangarap ko rin.

At gaya ng mga hopeless romantic sa mundo, may ideal buddy type rin ako. Ngunit dahil alam ng lahat na taken ako, inapplicable sa akin ang tanong tungkol sa ideal partner. Madalas, ang nababanggit ko lang ay ang tipo ng lalaki na gusto kong kalaro sa kama. Sila yung masarap karomansa, lalo na kung gusto mong may kalimutang bahagi ng iyong pagkatao.

Moreno, lean ang katawan, chinito, semikal, matangos ang ilong, maangas sa kilos at pag-asta. Ilan na ba ang sinabihan ko ng mga physical attributes na ito? Di ko na rin mabilang sa totoo lang. Ngunit gaya ng ideal, ang mga katangiang ito ay hanggang pangarap lamang. Sa totoo, it's the personality that makes us connect with the person. Sa tulad ko, palasak na ang konseptong ideal at madalas kumakagat ako sa unang magpaparamdam sa akin ng intimate affection. Wala sa akin ang ideal sapagkat gaya nga ng sinasabi ko paulit-ulit noon, we mold the person until he becomes close to our ideal.

Ngunit paano, kung ang taong unti-unti nating minomold ay dahan-dahan ring nade-deform sa pagdaan ng panahon? Paano ka magre-respond sa sitwasyon na nakikita mo ang pagkukulang sa taong pinakikisamahan mo?

Makipaghiwalay at maghanap ng bago?

Tanggapin ang kanyang mga pagkukulang at magpretend na masaya pa rin ang mundo?

Hanapin ang kanyang mga natitirang good qualities na nakikita mo pa, at palawagin ito sa iyong utak hanggang sa makalimutan mo lahat ng kanyang mga pagkukulang?

---

Marami akong pangarap sa ideal kong relasyon noon...

Nangarap akong magkaroon ng buddy na magiging matigas para sa akin sa tuwing ako ang naliligalig at walang magawa sa isang sitwasyon. Nangarap ako na sa tuwing wala akong maisasagot sa tanong ng mundo, siya ang magbibigay kasagutan para sa aming dalawa.

Nangarap ako ng isang travelling companion. Baguio, Bicol, Ilocos - kahit saan pang dako ng mundo kami makaabot. Naghahanap ako ng tipong hindi ka manghihinayang isama dahil alam mong kaya ka niyang protektahan sa paraang kaya mo siyang bigyan ng proteksyon. Naghahanap ako ng tipong hindi ko proproblemahin ang pag-iinarte o kaya naman ang gastos sa aming paglalakbay.

Nangarap akong ma-treat sa isang restaurant. Yung tipo bang gigimik kami na hati sa gastos at hindi na lang laging ako ang taya. Nangarap akong minsan ay masundo man lang sa trabaho. Ang sarap siguro ng pakiramdam na may nag-aabang sa iyong isang makisig na binata paglabas mo ng lobby ng iyong opisina. Nangarap akong may ka-jamming sa music. Yung hindi tipong ang alam lang niyang mga kumakanta ay yung napapanood niya sa SOP o kaya naman sa ASAP.

Nangarap ako na may dadalhin sa bahay na tipong pupunta roon hindi upang may gawin sa aking computer para sa kanyang academics. Kung siya man ay maliligaw sa amin ay para makipanood ng DVD o kaya naman ay makiusyosyo sa mga games na madalas kong nilalaro sa tuwing ako'y nalalagi sa bahay. Nangarap ako ng isang partner na tatawagin akong asawa, not just by name pero asawa sa isip, salita at gawa. Ayokong matawag na asawa sa tuwing may hihinging pabor lang sa akin o kaya naman ay sa tuwing ako lang ay maalala.

Nangarap ako ng isang kasama na alam kong mag-aalaga sa akin tuwing ako'y nagkakasakit and not always the other way around. Kapag may sakit kasi ako kadalasan ay tinatago ko pa ito sa kanya para hindi siya ma-depress at magkasakit naman sa susunod na mabalitaan ko. Nangarap ako ng isang kapartner na makakasundo ko sa lahat ng ka-weirduhan ng buhay, at hindi lamang magtutuon ng atensyon sa mga materyal na bagay. Nangarap ako ng isang kapantay o mas hihigit pa sa akin - isang buddy na hindi ko lang matatawag na partner kundi pati kuya, sir o pati na rin daddy.

Pero hindi yata ito ang tinadhana sa akin.

Ang sarap mangarap. Lalo na't hindi mo pa nararanasan ang mga bagay na ito.

Ang sarap mangarap... Lalo na't ikaw ay pinanghihinaan na ng loob.

Hindi ako bitter at lalong hindi ako galit. Alam kong unfair ang gumawa ng mga obserbasyong ganito sapagkat maaring hindi ko lang nakikita ang mga binahagi niya sa akin. Ngunit sa tuwing matatanong ko kung ano bang meron sa hinaharap, hindi ko maiwasan bumalik sa aking mga pinangarap.

Parang ang sarap sarap mag time-space warp sa panahong nagsisimula pa lang ako't wala pa sa isipan ko ang jadedness ng buhay na pinasok ko.

Alam ko, bukas o kaya naman sa makalawa ay malilimutan ko rin ito. Ang mga pangarap ay mapapalitan muli ng katotohanan - ng role na kailangan kong gampanan para sa aming dalawa. Malay natin, isang distress call lang pala ang siyang magpapabalik sa status-quo ng aking buhay pag-ibig. Who knows, isang mabuting balita lang pala ang siyang magpapalakas sa aming dalawa.

Pero sa totoo, nasanay na yata ako ng panahon na maging mapag-isa. I think I am bound to grow old on my own.

At tama ang sinabi ko sa "alliance" noong inuman noong sabado.

Sa dinami-dami ng kailangang makalimutan, ang Ikalima pa ang nawala sa kanyang isipan. Hindi man niya ito tuluyang nakalimutan, pero ramdam kong wala na ang halaga ng araw na ito para sa kanya.

Hindi ako galit. Hindi rin ito magreresulta sa pagrerebelde at lalong hindi ito magiging dahilan upang ideklara ang aking kalayaan.

Ngunit kung tatanungin mo ako tungkol sa aking totoong nararamdaman,

isa lang ang masasabi ko.

I feel so empty.

Anuman ang gawing kong pagpapanggap na okay lang ako sa sitwasyon, tao lang ako para hindi makaramdam ng panghihinayang.

---

Ganito man kasakit ang nangyari, alam kong mahal ko pa rin siya.

Frontliners

Manaani are also common in the ranks of scout pilots and are always eager to volunteer when it's time to fly an experimental craft: being the first to see anything new and different is a hunger that still burns deep in their blood.

- Kiith Manaan, Homeworld PC Game

---

The sun rises on the urban smog of Pasay when I first showed up for my third job as an internet researcher for a local outsourcing company. It was a few years ago and I was told in my interview that the company will have a new account that the executives of the company were never familiar of. In the interview, I knew that my knowledge of the search engines will land me the position. But during the hands-on, we found out that the system imposed by the client challenged even the most experienced among us.

The job had put our nerves under perpetual pressure. We were divided into two teams. The first was responsible for locating potential non-government agencies on the internet to be approved and later added to the client's database. The other was tasked to update the database using the reply forms sent by the client. This team was expected, with machine precision to fill out every data on the updated form found on our computers. Understaffed and swamped with paperwork, there were several occasions when we were asked to do a 16-hour shift just to beat the client's deadline. Eager to impress the new masters, my company exhausted whatever reserves it had - with us rookies suffering first before we could adopt to their harsh corporate environment.

I was able to adopt in three weeks. I had no choice but to nod and accept their way of running things, since we only had a very limited window of adjustment. Some of my team mates, who were pulled out from other departments were out of my league. They have lived through seventh hell and were pretty happy with it. The other rookies like me complained at first but when the elders began to reach out to them, they immediately embraced our job.

I was doing well with my job, but I was obviously unhappy with my company. Had it not been for the distinction of being the lead internet researcher, I would have submitted my resignation letter shortly after Christmas. I also understood that my position was very important for the survival of the project. Therefore, no matter how many times I complained about the company's unbearable working conditions, I simply had to weather everything until the project could stand on its own. It was a sacrifice I should have been prepared to accept the moment I signed up for the job.

That was until my dad suddenly "moved on."

---

Ilang taon sa panibago kong buhay.

Nabigyan ng pagkakataon ang kumpanyang pinagtratrabahuhan ko na lalo pang lumago sa pagpasok ng isang bago at napakalaking account sa amin. Bahagi ng kasunduan sa pagitan ng aking kumpanya at ng kliyente ang panimulang turn-over ng dalawang account kung saan karanasan na ang sumanay sa akin. Bilang isa sa pinakamatagal na manggagawa sa kumpanya, napili ako bilang maging isa sa mga frontliners para sa bagong account. Noong briefing na naganap isang linggo na ang nakakaraan, paulit-ulit na pinaalala ng trainer na nakasalalay sa aming husay ang pagpasok ng iba pang mga account sa kumpanya.

Sakaling kami'y magtagumpay dito, hindi lamang kami ang makikinabang kundi pati rin ang iba pa naming mga kasamahan na sa ngayo'y nag-aabang ng mga account na maaring magpalaki ng kanilang sweldo.

There's so much at stake, and when I think about it, its enormousness makes me tremble.

Inamin sa akin ni Princess na kinakabahan siya sa bagong assignment. Ganun rin ang pakiramdam ko matapos ang aming briefing.

Ngunit gaya sa isang palabas sa sine kung saan narealize ng mandirigma ang halaga ng kanyang bahagi bago ito sumugod sa digmaan, ang awakening sa akin ay naganap rin kinagabihan ng aming briefing.

Kasama ang trainer, inaya kami ng boss sa isang munting bonding matapos ang briefing ng mga panggabi sa aming kumpanya. Nagkataon lang ang aking pagsama sapagkat noong nalaman ko na uuwi mag-isa ang trainer noong gabing yun, nagpasya akong hintayin siya't ihatid pauwi.

After all, sino bang anak-anakan ang hahayaan ang kanyang nanay-nanayan na umuwi mag-isa ng hatinggabi?

Sa inuman, silang dalawa ang nagkwentuhan samantalang ako naman ay mataimtim na nakinig sa kanilang usapan. Marami akong nalaman, na bilang isang mangagawa lamang ay hindi ko na dapat marinig pa. Ngunit noong gabing iyon, ipinaramdam nila sa akin kung gaano ako kabahagi ng kumpanya. Bilang isa sa mga pioneer dito, na-realize ko na malaki ang gagampanan kong role para sa ikatatagumpay ng account.

Nawala ang takot sa akin matapos ang aming inuman. Ito ay napalitan ng determinasyon na ibigay ang lahat para sa aming boss at sa aking nanay-nanayan na naniniwala sa aking kakayahan.

---

My dad passed away six months after the project started running in my previous company.

In his passing, sweeping changes must be made in order to save whatever remaining fortunes he had accumulated during his lifetime. Being the eldest heir to my father, I had to take his seat, accept the responsibilities he left and resign in my company.

I had to move on and chart my own life.

Yet, despite my permanent absence the project succeeded.

Years after I've left, I returned to pay them a visit. My immediate supervisor was the person who accommodated me and in our conversation, she told me that they would not have made it if not for the methods I adopted when I was still working with them.

"It was your Wikipedia that our researchers are using now to seek new candidate organizations."

My visit happened at a time I was just starting in my present company. In those days, I was busy looking for a new job after my conflict with my supervisor drove me to the brink of resigning.

The trainer then was just a regular employee like me.

But now that we're in the forefront of changes in the same company I almost ditched before, this gentle reminder - this history of being in the front lines whenever a task has been assigned to me may be a source of strength to inspire me to succeed.

I have done it before and I can do it again.

And with the setbacks today threatening to jeopardize the start-up, I'm still looking forward to seeing the battlefield tomorrow.

Come hell or high waters, I am ready.

---

From nearly wanting to kill yourself because you fell asleep during a crucial point while doing temporary night shift duty (and getting screamed at over the phone bwahahaha) to your "Martir ng Golgotha" days with Rica and thinking long and hard about resigning... to being the darling of the creme de la creme... aba, aba, aba! :D

take a bow, bebe... take a bow :)

- Deracinee, Twitter Blog | The Office Life

The Black Suede YouTube Scandal

CEBU CITY, Philippines – A Cebuano male florist in his 30s was teary-eyed when he saw the video of his surgery for the first time.

The emergency operation last January was already traumatic.

Having a spray can removed from his rectum after a night of sex with a stranger was something he regretted.

Danilo (not his real name) was horrified to see images of the surgery three months later circulating on the popular video-sharing website YouTube.

Danilo said he felt violated and would file charges against medical personnel at the government-owned Vicente Sotto Medical Memorial Center (VSMMC).

- inq7.net
---

The news have reached me through Punked's sms last Wednesday.

Being sleepy while attending my sister's graduation that morning, I did not take his text message seriously. In fact, my take on the issue was that of all the objects he would stuck inside his ass, he chose a hairspray over a more organic material - like a banana or a huge eggplant for example. I thought what he did was a kind of tripping going overboard - which some gays are known for. I thought it was an act of pathetic desperation that don't deserve any sympathy from someone who can still think sanely.

The true extent of the scandal only hit me when MGG discussed it over his blog a few hours later.

---

By now, everyone knows what happened.

Jan-jan was drunk after attending a New Year's party last January. On his way home, he met a callboy who he convinced to have sex with him. The callboy had a small weenie according to Jan-jan, and in his tackless state didn't mind telling him his "shortcomings." With the callboy's ego bruised, he got back by inserting a foreign object inside the recipient's rectum. The following morning, Jan-jan felt strange. Something was stuck inside and it made him sick.

The doctors immediately recommended an emergency operation to keep his ass from getting infected.

---

I could only imagine the suffering he had gone through.

We all know that what he did was sheer stupidity. But who can blame him? He is a 39-year old lonely gay guy looking for intimacy. Unfortunately, the only company available at the time was a lowly callboy who was looking for ways to earn money. The problem was that he complained about his weenie, and of all the things that hurt a man's ego so much is when his dick size gets questioned. Naturally, he got back and made sure the one who mocked his sensitive weenie learned his lesson well.

Fear grips in the moment the mocker felt something strange inside his body. It made him sick, paranoid and depressed. Probably, he was aware of what he did and in his shame, tried to hide the secret from everyone. But truth comes out when a person feels helpless. Even if his name was at stake, he went to the hospital in hopes of getting answers from professionals.

He did, and the cost of his blunder was a costly and humiliating rectal operation.

The suffering did not end there. The doctors informed him that since his was a unique case, they decided to video the operation for future purposes. Janjan could not complain. I'm sure that what he felt then was liberation from shame. What was important for him is to get back to his normal life after his three-day ordeal. The past didn't matter. What's important is the present.

---

However, when there is hatred and mockery, it persistently tries to find ways to reach others...

... so that the hate and mockery will grow and multiply, until karma strikes back those who perpetrated them.

And there was this YouTube scandal.

Maybe, for some Divine intervention someone made a headline out of a seemingly trivial video. Jan-jan soon learned about the betrayal and it shattered him to pieces. It put him more to shame now that his little secret was leaked out in the internet.

Nakakalungkot lang dun, for a guy who probably doesn't have access to such technology, discovering that he is a victim of it made the whole ordeal more painful.

But his scandal did awaken a sleeping giant. PDI had made headlines about the appalling medical practices of VSMMC. In response, the DOH had stepped up to get those responsible punished. The whole gay community is at uproar at what they see as discrimination against homosexuals. Jan-jan's tragedy had mobilized everyone. It also propelled him to an icon status.

Looking at how the story develops, it might even trigger a social revolution that would benefit gays as a whole.

However, my question is, do we deserve such benefit?

His tragedy reminds me of that thread in G4M, where a young faggot shamelessly accused another member of being infected with HIV. Everyone who felt violated ganged up on the juvenile accuser. Meanwhile, his accusations made me severely upset, a few weeks later, I deleted my account.

Jan-jan's ordeal reminds me of the Montano scandal and how Brian Gorell, in his tragedy, promoted a culture of hate and bitterness among urban yuppies for weeks. I sympathize with Gorell, but I am also aware of those nasty anonymous comments that fueled the fire and made the scandal a nationwide sensation.

For some reasons, why do I feel that the mainstream gay life has become a sort of karnabal for everyone to laugh at and made mockery of? Why do I feel that those who destroy us are none other than we ourselves?

Being aware of the PLU demography among nurses and medical professionals, I wouldn't be surprised that some of those who jeered, clapped, and eventually uploaded the video clip of Jan-jan's rectal operation on YouTube is none other but another hopeless and desperate gay person.

Bound to commit the same degree of mistake sometime later in life.

Emo One

Speaking of kids*, I searched my closet this evening for a journal I kept in my early college years.

Although the word emo hasn't gone mainstream yet, my scribbles undeniably bear the mark of an eighteen-year old, angst-ridden boy struggling to fit into his material-driven new environment.

Nakakatuwa lang.

Had I known that things would fit into their proper places soon, I wouldn't have troubled myself thinking of petty issues such as:

puppy love,
insecurity,
coolness,
japorms,
newfound "astig" barkada
girls...

I should have let things go instead of chasing them in circles. But, looking back. I wouldn't learn anything at all, had I avoided getting hurt in the process of discovering myself.

---

Apologies for the grammar and thought lapses.

A week ago, I met a goddess. Then I broke the silence. And then I realized my childishness and then, I slowly began to open up. But deep inside, I am anxious, afraid and paranoid. Am I on the right track?

Yes, honestly I am following his ( my bestfriend) steps because he is far more advanced than me. But am I doin it right? Am I already cool? Or am I ruining myself even more?"

- gms, questions that needed to be answered. 1999

---

Stuck between the moment of silence,
I would like to speak of the fears and realities
I have faced
Of facing myself and trying
to hide the others.
The storms have passed away
yet the coldness of insanity
still gives me the chills.

Revulsions, I feel.

I think I don't want to move on.
I know how to love
but other's don't want to love me.

In four semesters that have passed
I have done nothing.
I always failed and the blame I have
given to myself loosens me up.

Why do I want to try everything?
Am I vain enough?
Why I am jealous and amazed by others
who I think is more than me

While in fact... I am more than them?

Why do I hide myself
while it is never true**?
Is it that, I don't know myself?
Or I'm just afraid of others
of what would they think of me?

Why do I never trust myself
and declare myself a loser,
a sucker and a moron
while others admire me?

There are still many questions
I wanted to ask. Questions
that I don't know if I could answer soon.
The sadness is wearing off and
Hunger sets in.
May one day, I would learn.

I wish I may find the other part
of me.

And I do hope that after this experience,
I would learn to love myself.

After loving others for too long.

- A dialogue to myself. 1999.

---

* The Need to be the Nanay entry
** Sexuality Issues

A year later. I stopped attempting to be cool and instead, embraced the koboy way

When Joms Talks of American Idol

I admitted a few entries ago that I am never a Mariah Carey fan.

And I admitted to Tripper a few inuman sessions ago that the subject American Idol will make me fall asleep. I just can't relate to it, especially when people around me starts talking about David Archuleta and how gay his performance is.

However, when an aspiring rockstar who is a contestant in American Idol suddenly performs a cover of a Mariah song.

Then and only then did the reality show got my attention.

It isn't my idea to write an entry about American Idol. But Makmak's well-written review about the Mariah Carey Week that was held some days ago suddenly caught my interest. I began reading the entire entry and for the first time, I related to what my other PLU friends were talking about during our little Saturday get-together.

The last time I've heard about David Cook was through Dodong. He said that he's one of his bet this season. That was all he said and then we proceeded to talk about another topic. But when Makmak wrote that among the idols, he took the greatest risk by doing a cover version of Always Be My Baby and got away with it, I immediately went to YouTube to see what Cook exactly did.

In fairness, I was stunned by his performance.

Because if he sucked, I won't write an entry about him.

Cook's version indeed reminded me of the song I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing by Aerosmith. The guitar intro was a dead giveaway that the performer is a rock artist. The harmonic accompaniment, especially the violin orchestra made the entire performance appear smooth and dramatic. Finally, the three back-up female singers, who's crucial importance allowed Cook to build up his voice for a final climax also served as a dampener to Cook's powerful vocals.

Jericho once made a comment asking me the songs I would like to make birit if given a chance to sing a song. I replied in his comment that the only songs I'd be able to sing should at least be in the same vocal range like those of Alex Band of The Calling.

But if I was gifted with a stronger vocal chords like those of David Cook's. I wouldn't mind making a birit like what he did. It was so impressive, that for a YouTube second, I was drawn not only to Mariah Carey, but to American Idol as well.

The Need To Be The Nanay

Minsan isang panahon, nakita ko ang sarili ko na nagbabasa ng isang libro sa loob ng library ng aming paaralan. Grade six ako noon, mapag-isa at mahilig tumambay sa pagitan ng dalawang naglalakihang bookshelves kung saan walang nakakakitang ibang tao sa akin. Isang tanghali, may mga lower grade pupils na nagtatakbuhan sa aisle kung saan ako malapit. Dahil naiistorbo nila ang pagbabasa ko ng encyclopedia, sinita ko sila para tumahimik. Nagtakbuhan papalayo ang mga bata at tumahimik muli ang paligid. Ngunit may isa pala sa kanilang natira at nangahas na lumapit sa akin.

Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang mga tinanong niya sa akin. Hindi ko na rin maalala ang kanyang mukha, ang kanyang pangalan, o kung anong section siya nanggaling. Pero ang hindi ko makalimutang tinanong niya sa akin ay kung maari ba niya akong maging kuya... na madali ko namang pinaunlakan sapagkat gusto ko na rin siyang umalis sa tabi ko.

Natapos ang buong school year. Ilang beses pa kaming nagkita sa corridor ng aming building. Hindi ko na matandaan ang kanyang mukha o ang kanyang pangalan pero sa harap ng kanyang mga kaklase ay pinagmamalaki niya ako bilang kuya. Kahit hindi niya alam na sa batch ko, isa ako sa mga looser at outcast noon, taas noo pa rin niya akong tinuring na nakakatandang kapatid. Nang malapit na ang graduation, binalak ko siyang hanapin upang magpaalam at magpasalamat. Balak ko sanang ibigay sa kanya ang isa sa aking pinakatatagong Matchbox na kotche-kotchehan upang maalala man lang niya ako hanggang pagtanda.

Sa kasamaang palad hindi ko na siya nakita. Hindi na rin ako nakapagpaalam. Subalit, makalipas ang maraming panahon, natatandaan ko pa rin ang aming unang tagpuan.

- From the entry, Kuya.

---

The kids from our Walang Mukha thread in G4M would never discover my hidden nurturing instincts had Dodong never spilled the beans about me.

We had a drinking spree in Quattro a few months ago and one of those invited was Deathnote. I cannot recall what Dodong exactly said, but there was no doubt that the kid had been inspired to call me with a new endearment. He began calling me Idol-Nanay a few days after our tagayan session, and his friends started calling me the same endearment in the thread several weeks later.

But being called Nanay initially made me feel awkward. There I was projecting a very masculine personality by putting a picture of a Glock 22 pistol on my main profile, only to be addressed as Nanay by a bunch of kids, whenever I showed up in our thread. Fortunately, the guys who I had flirty private message conversations do not go to the forums. I didn't get my kills, but it wasn't because they questioned my masculinity.

Eventually, I learned to acknowledge their terms of endearment. It cannot be denied that when someone calls me Nanay, it triggers a response that will make me consider that person a friend than a bed-foe. Soon, I even began taking my role half-seriously. Calling me their Nanay made me believe that I had become responsible for their welfare, even if its just in the website.

Last night a reunion was held between me, Tagay and our leader Centurion. Our drinking session was long overdue and had even created some misunderstandings a few weeks ago. Since Centurion talks with the two kids who still calls me Nanay, he invited them last night. Perhaps, our leader thought that it would be easier to encourage me to go out on a Tuesday night with my so-called children tagging along.

That same afternoon, Tagay and I had a text conversation about my kids.

"Par sigurado ka, matatag sa inuman yung mga yun?" He asked me feeling somewhat worried about our other guests.

"Malay ko, hindi ko pa sila sinusubukan sa inuman eh. Alam mo naman ang nanay, ayaw nalalasing ang mga anak." I answered.

"Talagang kinarir mo ang pagiging nanay mo sa mga junakis mo ah!"

"Shempre nagiging good boy ako eh." I told him.

We spent a lengthy text message conversation about my new role to DN and my other kid who i would call Ungas for the meantime. I told Tagay that if he's looking forward to a Red Horse rematch with me, he should expect a weaker contender this time. "Kelangan kong umalalay sa mga anak ko pag may nagpass-out sa kanila," I reasoned out. "Para saan pa ang pagwowork out ko kung hindi ko mabubuhat yung mga binata ko?"

He jokingly answered that we shouldn't have invited them if that is the case.

---

And so the inuman session took place right back at Quattro.

As expected, DN and Ungas never called me by my name, but by the endearment they've given me. Since I didn't eat anything before we went to Timog, I already expected that I'd be the first to fall. It took just a Macho Mug of Red Horse Beer to feel the power of the stallion possessing me. As the band played in front of us, I began singing along. It was my attempt to lower my alcohol levels by distracting myself of things that would take my head away from the effects of beer.

The reunion was fun. It was like the good old days with me and Tagay, except that the bathroom scandal that happened during our second meeting never took place. Besides, we have a bunch of friends with us and it made the whole inuman session livelier. Centurion remains the same leader we have grown to respect. I forgot to mention that Dabo was there as well. He wasn't a strong drinker, but his camaraderie was something we cherished the whole evening.

Our friend Dabo left early and before he was able to arrive home, I was already doing a Super Sayan inside the toilet cubicle. A seasoned drinker do a Super Sayan whenever the alcohol gets into that drunker's head. It's a deliberate and last ditch attempt at throwing-up to keep the person sober. In my case, I've already downed my second Red Horse Macho Mug. Tagay and Centurion were catching up, while DN and Ungas were still halfway into finishing their first mug.

If not for the Grenadine, which I mixed with my Red Horse, I'd surely pass out. Ungas was even telling me that I was cheating because he was aware of the Grenadine's neutralizing effects. I told him that I had the right to use any cheats necessary because I was the one with the empty stomach.

But behind my back, the true reason why I had to keep up with them was because I felt that my protective side urges me to look after DN and Ungas, who have considered me their "surrogate mother."

My instinct would prove correct after our third Macho Mug of Red Horse. Ungas, who was challenged by Tagay for another round was already tipsy even before he was able to finish his last mug. DN stopped drinking after his first mug owing to the fact that he was aware of his alcohol tolerance. Meanwhile, I kept my promise to Tagay by matching his capacity for alcohol - even if it meant cheating on him too. He was never aware of it, but for every gulp of beer I downed in my throat, I dashed towards the bathroom to throw up everything. My vision was clearly blurry and my head swirling, but it was my determination to stick to my word that kept me standing.

We parted ways soon after. Tagay and Centurion had their separate direction, while I decided to stay with my kids and bring them home even if it meant getting out of my direction. Ungas was already drunk, so I had to keep him steady by putting my arms around his shoulders. If there was someone who clearly was the last person standing, it was DN. Had I passed out as well, he would be forced to take responsibility for the three of us.

---

Inside the cab, my two kids kept on telling me that Tagay and I were perfectly matched. They even wondered if he was their Tatay. I told them that if he was, then he's not a good daddy. I reminded them that he was the one responsible for making Ungas tipsy that night.

They both sat on the backseat, while I stayed beside the cab driver. Looking at the side mirror, I knew they were talking. They were getting to know each other as brothers for the first time in our little role-playing game.

And ours was indeed a role-play.

But whenever I remember that Grade One pupil who asked me if I could be his kuya, the two gentlemen in the back seat reminded of that story. Had the kid and I never lost contact, he would be as old as Ungas and DN by now. In our little nostalgic moment inside the cab, I remembered the kid in them.

I might be resenting that I wasn't able to make him feel having a kuya. But at least...

I hope...

I am able to make DN and Ungas feel taken care of at the night we became a family.

Grade 3 (Tagay Mo Par Remix) Remembered

Isa pang ikinabilib niya sayo, ang tibay mo daw sa inuman. Un daw ang gusto nya. Nakikipagsabayan. Hehe.

- Centurion's text message to me the other day.

---

In the age of Kitsune, July 8, 2007

I realized that after downing four bottles of Red Horse Beer and three bottles of San Mig Light; and after having a passionate lip and tongue-locking scandal at a billiard bar's public restroom unmindful of the other guests, especially the group of fratmen who accidentally saw us; and after pressing his fingers inside a jeepney on our way home,

Never has someone made me feel so alive, especially in the posession of a certified horndog.

---

Almost a year later.

We still text each other. He's still the same happy-go-lucky barako dude that I admired before. The naughty days are over and we have established ourselves as good buddies.

But whenever I look back at that moment when intimacy was so imminent; in all my nature and habit to ditch the men who would get too close to me, who would have thought we'd keep each other's company? Even if we have some almost-nasty histories to remind us of our beginnings.

We consider each presence part of each other's life.

Alyas Jen Marasigan (First Part)

Ang sabi nila, lahat daw ng mga PLU ay may tinatagong feminine side.

Karamihan sa kanila ay unaware o in-denial dito, lalo na yung mga discreet at mga straight acting. Ang iba naman ay lumilitaw sa kanilang taste sa music, TV shows, interests o kaya naman sa reaction sa bawat sitwasyon. The rest ay todo-todong nang niyakap ang kanilang effeminity na kahit sa salita, sa kilos at sa pananamit ay kinarir na upang maging ganap ang kanilang dream role na maging babae.

Sa kaso ko, aware ako sa aking feminine side. It breathes life into me. Nakakatuwa nga, sa tinagal-tagal ko itong dineny ay noong ganap lang akong naging PLU natanggap na meron pala akong ganitong trait.

Bahagi ng aking feminity ay dahil sa aking upbringing. Lumaki ako sa isang Matriarchal na pamilya kung saan ang mga nanay ang mas malakas ang impluwensya sa mga anak na lalaki at hindi ang mga tatay. Palibhasa'y babae ang utol ko kaya naman noong lumalaki kami ay mas ineencourage ni Mama na palibutan kami ng mga kababaihan. Ito ay dahil sa takot na baka gawan ng hindi mabuti ang kapatid ko sakaling lalaki ang makitira sa amin.

Bunga nito, kami lang ng tatay ko ang lalaki sa bahay.

At ang masaklap dun ay bihira lang umuwi ng bahay ang erpats ko.

---

Bago ako tinuli ay soprano ang boses ko.

Makailang beses na akong pinagtawanan dito, lalo na kapag nababanggit ng teacher noong elementary ang mga katagang "Yes hija??" tuwing meron akong katanungan habang siya naman ay nakatalikod at nagsusulat sa pisara. Meron rin akong kaklase noong first year high school. Sabi niya sa akin ay iwasan ko daw tumawag sa bahay nila dahil boses babae daw ako. Baka daw kung ano pa ang isipin ng mga magulang niya, lalo na't tumatawag lang ako para makipagkwentuhan sa kanya.

Simula noon ay umiwas na rin siya sa akin.

Nawala lang itong stigmang ito nang ako ay natuli at napabilang sa mga grupo ng lalaki sa klase. Simula kasi noon ay hindi ko na ugaling bumarkada sa mga babae dahil hindi ko rin naman kadalasan kasundo sa interests ang mga ito. May mga pagkakataon rin kasi na pinaplastik ako ng mga kaibigan kong tsiks noon kaya bandang huli ay ako na ang nagpasyang lumayo sa kanila. Naroon rin na dahil puro babae ang mga tao sa bahay ay ako na ang gumawa ng paraan para isalba ang natitirang pagkalalaki sa akin. Sa kasamaang palad nga lang ay mas identified ako sa mga babae kaya naman wala ring grupo ng mga lalaki ang gusto makipagkaibigan sa akin.

Dahil dito, napabilang ako sa grupo ng mga nerds, outcasts at may mga future maging prinsesa noong mga unang taon ko sa high school. Nagkahiwa-hiwalay rin kami noong third year dahil iba ang electives section ng mga barkada ko kesa sa akin. Naiwan tuloy ulit akong nag-iisa . Mabuti na lang at naawa sa akin yung isang grupo ng mga lalaki sa section ko. Naisip siguro nila na ayus naman akong makisama kaya sinali nila ako sa kanilang grupo.

Simula noon, naging puro all-boys na ang mga kasama ko. Yung mga tsik naman ay naging extension ko na lang.

Ngunit sa kabila nito, naging mahirap pa rin ang adjustment. Masyado na kasi akong ginawang malambot ng upbringing ko. Kahit na puro straight nga ang mga barkada ko, naroon at alam kong pinagdududahan rin nila ang kilos ko. May bestprend akong nairita sa akin kasi daw masyado ko siyang "inaalagaan." Ito ring tropa ito ang nag-sabi sa akin ng "I love you" sa phone nang minsan siyang nalasing at nakikipaggaguhan sa kanyang mga katropa. Meron naman akong ka-tropa na halos linggo-linggo ay nakikitulog sa amin. Trip niya na sabay kaming mag-review tuwing may exams kasi daw, bukod sa kino-coach ko siya ay pinapakopya ko pa siya tuwing exam period.

Isang taon matapos kaming mag-iba ng section ay narinig ko na lang ang press release niyang boyprend ko daw siya. Siyempre walang naniwala. Pati nga ako ay kumagat na lang sa kalokohan niya eh. Palibhasa'y straight kami mag-isip, kaya kahit na todo ako magbigay ng atensyon sa katropa ay hindi namin ito binibigyan ng meaning. Para sa akin ay tamang pakisama lang ang lahat. Ganun kasi ako bumarkada.

Mabuti na lamang at sa kabila ng kanilang mga pagdududa, ang pagka-koboy at walang patawad na pagkasenti ko ang nagbigay sa akin ng place sa bawat grupong sinalihan ko. Rigid kasi ang buhay straight at ang pag-eexpress ng emosyon ay hindi talaga permissible sa lalaki. Ngunit dahil kailangan rin naman ng emotional support ng isang lalaki lalo na't wala siyang girlfriend na mapapagsabihan ng kanyang issues at problema, ang barkada ang sumasalo dito.

Yun naman ang expertise ko.

Sabi nga ng isa naming tropa ni Kapre noon. Kung si Kapre daw ang kamao, ako naman daw ang puso ng tropa. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit niya kami nakumpara, lalo pa't sobrang opposite kami ni Kapre.

Ang alam ko lang, basta sumapit ang madaling araw, may sleep-over ang barkada at nagkaka-antukan na, ako ang paboritong kausap ng mga tao.

Role ko na yata maging comforter simula noon.

---

-tobecontinued-