Ang Familia Orvina, Bow

1. Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang inuman. Kasama doon si Roy at Dodong mula sa hanay ng Outsiders; Si Centurion at Deathnote mula sa Walang Mukha Thread (na naging Encantadia na ngayon) at si Macoy na kinatawan ng Blog Alliance, na sumunod galing sa Wensha sa aming tambayan sa Quatro.

2. Nakakadalawang Macho Mug ng Red Horse na ako, at di makakailang may tama na kami pare-pareho. Sa hindi malamang dahilan, itong si Dodong ay naglabas ng isang pasabog na siyang sisira sa reputasyon ko.

"Sabi ni Dodong, Pusong Ina ka daw."

Ang angas-angas ko kaya, paano ako nagkaroon ng impression bilang motherly? Dahil ba ako ang tiga akay ng mga nalalasing?

3. Si Deathnote na nanahimik nang mga oras na iyon ay biglang nagkaroon ng ideya. Palibhasa ay tadtad ng mga binatilyong PLU ang aming thread sa G4M na tila naghahanap ng role models, ako ang una nilang binigyan ng pangalan.

Nanay.

Amfufu.

4. Ilang beses kong binalaan si DN na huwag na huwag niya akong tatawaging nanay dahil sa ito'y pasira ng karir, ngunit pasaway ang binata. Mabuti na lamang at hindi ako nawalan ng prospect dahil dito.

5. Nang lumaon ay may tinawag na bunsong kapatid ang aking panganay. Noong una ay hesitant akong siya ay ampunin dahil hindi naman kami close. Subalit mapilit ang aking anak. Siya ang naging ikalawa.

6. Nagkaroon sila ng ikatlong kapatid. Subalit dahil muntikan nang magkaroon ng namamagitan sa aming dalawa ng kanyang utol (isipin niyo na lang yung xrated film na Taboo 2) nang minsang pauwi kami sa loob ng taxi, tinigil ko ang aming role play kinabukasan.

7. Nilaglag ko rin ang kanilang utol dahil sa aming incest na ginawa.

8. Kung inyong tatanungin, tinanggap ko ang role bilang nanay upang magsilbing distraction sa aking palasak na relasyon. Sa halip na maglaro ng apoy at makiapid sa iba, pinili ko ang magkaroon ng mas mabuting pakinabang at maging tigasubaybay ng mga nakababatang PLU sa akin.

9. Muling nabuhay ang aming roleplay nang makumbinsi ko ang aking bunso at panganay na gumawa ng account sa Twitter.

10. Bitbit ang kanilang mga naiwang kaibigan sa G4M, pinakilala ko ang aking mga anak, kasama ang kanilang mga kasamahan sa tiga Trippers Clan.

Dito nabuo ang aming family tree.

Welcome Wagon

Makati Avenue
Past Midnight

It is on a same Friday night like this that I find myself walking alone on a not so different road. Empty cabs pass by with droopy-eyed drivers looking for passengers emerging from the bars that line the street. Most of these revelers would come out of their watering holes drunk and on the verge of passing out. Accompanied by friends or newly-met accomplices, they would hail the taxis and often haggle with the drivers seeking extra payment before they take them home. Across the street, trance music blares from the gargantuan speakers of a dance club. Not far from the dance club, a multitude of laughter could be heard inside a comedy bar as the host picks up and taunts one of the guests with highly scandalous questions a fifteen-year old kid should never hear.

Somewhere across that stretch, maybe a couple of blocks away from where I stand is an obscure ktv bar where my pack decides to lodge themselves. Coming from a booze party earlier that evening, belting diva songs is what keeps the alcohol from taking over their swirling heads.

Meanwhile, I have other plans for the night.

After my pack settles down in one of the round circular tables inside the ktv bar, I would leave the spot barely noticed. I would then troop to my favorite Coyote bar to watch nymphets perform their erotic dance moves on top of bar counters. As they grind their asses to the sound of Trance music, the male audience would scream "take it off," to the delight of everyone. The performers would then, slowly take-off their blouses, shirts, or spaghetti straps (and sometimes their skirts) revealing their underwear. At one time, one of the bar owners was present during the performance and the nymphet took off her bra to the cheers of those lucky enough to witness such spectacle.

Those were my heydays.

After a few hours of screaming, cheering and dancing on the dance floor, my mobile phone would vibrate. The text message comes from one of my friends I left at the ktv bar.

"Balik ka na, uuwi na tayo."

I could ignore the message in my inbox and stay there until dawn. But traditions tell that the pack should go home together after a night's party. After receiving the SMS message, I would leave the club not minding even if the girls show their shaved kitties. After all, who would be interested in pink flaps when it is the big guns I'm longing to play at the end of the night.

Arriving at the ktv bar minutes later, some of my companions were gone. They leave in groups to ensure that nobody gets left behind. Those who remain are the one's I'd join inside the cab going home. It has been our way ever since.

And it remains unbroken even if times have changed.

"Tara school bus ulit," one of us would blurt out.

School bus. A childish name we have given to the habit of riding a cab in groups and dropping each one of the passengers at their doorsteps. Others would never notice this little intimacy of togetherness or even bother to give a name to it. But to us, it is how we forged our friendship. It is during these quiet joyrides that we truly bond and share our stories, feelings and dreams with our companions. It is these late-night cab rides that make us constantly remember who we are and why we should never forget.

Especially the one who made these after-party school bus rides possible; the one who connects everyone in the group.

---

Inside Club Government:

"Huy bumalik ka na dito! Nasa taxi na daw siya." It was a text message from a friend who took the mantle after our central figure left to settle abroad.

I returned to Tienanmen Bar half an hour later. I found the people I left still downing bottles of beer and talking to each other that they barely noticed my arrival. Suddenly, one of those seated across the table shouted "Andyan na siya!" which disrupted the train of conversations. We turned our heads toward the door and saw a big guy approaching our table. The bar was dimly lit and his silhouette is what we saw. His rounded figure, wide grin which we can still see in the dark and his visibly short hair recall the features still embedded on our heads.

"OMG Omeng! Welcome back!!!"

Everyone sober enough to get up scrambled to greet our host.

---

It's been years since he left.

Surreal as it may seems, but last night, four years of distance seem like a week apart.

Brotherhood

---

IN AND OUT

"...the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we drive your ambulances. We connect your calls, we guard you while you sleep. Do not... fück with us." - Fight Club

strangers in a strange land. we live in a society whose idea of sexual norm is far within our reach. our likes have been discriminated against or mocked at. we have been unjustly portrayed by the media. they called us names that make even our own stomachs heave just as we fancy a life that doesn't closely resemble this hellish condition. they made us outsiders just because we are not like them. they took part in making us what we are right now. and let us be whoever we are.

others might view us as just another closeted or coward gays. undecided faggots because we are masculine. we don't look gay enough to curl your hair or fancy a catwalk in some branded get-up.

we are men. men is what we are.

... and we prefer the masculine psyche. and body. and essence. we are strong and we are fantabulous. narcissistic, yet true.

we don't want to seek refuge under a single label. being labeled a gay/bisexual doesn't make you one. there is more to a word.

and so we are out here.

i beckon people to challenge themselves. you know who you are.


***


there are only two questions to ask oneself in order to assess if you are an ODDer.

1) Do i fancy/love/like the same sex in ways that would be enough to question my sexuality?

2) Do i measure up to the masculinity of the unmistakably straight guys? am i butch enough that no one would ever believe that i'm not straight?

(in a nutshell, don't you just think Reichen and Chip and their kind are so cool?)


welcome aboard, guys.

- Originally posted by Dodong: The Outsiders Thread, Pinoyexchange.
September 17, 2003

---

For six years, it never came to a point that I would ditch an age-old tradition for another activity last night. Centurion's group had their grand eyeball/reunion inuman somewhere in Tandang Sora, (where it was reported that a PLU who looks like Piolo Pascual from the new recruits showed up); a straight friend sent an invitation for a one-on-one drinking spree at his pad in Taft; and Tannis was asking for another meet-up, (and a possible... moment... at his apartment in Pasig).

The ditching was triggered when Dodong confided that he cannot go because of personal reasons. Meanwhile, Roy was still in the south, haggardly looking after the empire of Henry Sy. Their absence meant that I would be forced to go without the closest of my BrOdders around me.

And it left me worried sick, that I would become an outsider to the guys who have been there for most of my PLU life.

An hour before my shift is over, Dodong was persuaded by the organizer to show up. After receiving his confirmation, I immediately decided to follow. They are the oldest ties I have and since they were the first who sent the invitation, might as well show up and have a fabulous party with them.

There were less than 20 attendees when I arrived at the VIP Room. It was a far cry from our former glory where such activity was attended by 40 gay men. This year's Christmas Party was different from the rest for three specific reasons: It was hastily organized by a handful of people, no one bothered to bring a "friend" along, and there were no parlor games and awards given to the attendees. Despite these setbacks, it was the most intimate get-together we had. Only the core was present and the party atmosphere reminded everyone of the good old days when most of us were still in our early twenties and just starting to rise up from our respective careers.

Now what we have are outsourcing managers, university and high school academicians, IT geniuses, tobacco and beer chemists, and yes... even bill-gatesque benefactors. We have come so far that in the words of Roy sometime this year:

"It would be impossible to break us apart."

This entry is for all the years we have struggled to stay together despite the signs of outgrowing each other. This entry is for all the PLU groups, clans and barkadas that exist, and are surviving despite the rifts, scandals and controversies that threatens to cut their bonds of brotherhood.

Finally, this entry vindicates my earlier sentiments about the foreseeable ending of the group.

"Parang kelangan ko ata talagang ilabas ito at mabasa para sakali mang dumating ang panahon na tapos na ang lahat, wala akong itinago. Ipinahayag ko ang aking concern at ibinahagi ko ang aking kalungkutan. Ayokong magising na lang isang gabi na iba na pala ang mga kasama ko, at ang mas nakakalungkot dun ay mas nag-eenjoy na akong kasama sila...

...habang unti unting natutuyo sa puso ko ang dalawang taong mga masasarap na alaala at pinagsamahan sa mundo ng..."

For the seven years and to the many more that will follow. In the non-straight culture, romantic relationships may fail, but it is often the brotherhoods that endure a lifetime.

---

For Waps Omeng and those who are still out there.
We look forward to seeing you guys again.

Photo borrowed from the Archangel

Sightings and Apparitions

Metrowalk, Ortigas.

The months went by without the group seeing each other for a round of drinking and bonding. The Outsiders has been around since I turned PLU more than six years ago. Last Saturday was the first time they saw me single, after years of being in a relationship they have come to reject.

Among my barkada in the Odders, it is with Dodong I always confide my situation. That night, he had a news for me.

"Uy may tsismis ako sayo."

"Ano yun kapatid?" I was still beaming a smile knowing I had to share good things that night.

"Alam mo si Phanks, nag message sa aking sa Friendster."

Suddenly, it was like a cold gust of wind hit my face. Almost unconsciously, I grabbed a stick of yosi from a pack lying on the table.

"Ano sabi?"

"Gets mo na yun... Nagkaroon nga ako ng dilemma kung ire-relay ko sayo yung message o hindi eh."

"Ummm, can you give me some details?" The good vibes I bought at the reunion was no more, in its place was a feeling of dread and distraught upon knowing he still makes apparitions.

"Gusto niya makipagbalikan sayo."

During the early weeks of the break-up a lot of people speculated that a reconciliation is inevitable. After all, who would let a five-year relationship go to waste as easy as what I did. However, time has come when I realize that everything is going down the drain. The laptop, which I am still paying up to now was the catalyst that lead to our end. As the months go by knowing that I bleed for something that can never be mine, the more I resent whatever relationship I had in the past.

And lately, I feel like I'm in a crucible: The constant flashbacks of what I have been through resist all the burning desire to move on and start all over again. The chemical reaction melts me at some boiling point, only to harden again when a bad memory leaves me unfazed with any real chemical reaction.

"So anong sabi mo?"

"Hindi ako nagreply. Nakaka-bad trip nga eh, inaccept ko yung invitation niya, yun pala eh ganon lang ang balak niya sa akin."

"Kelan nangyari to?" I asked while lighting my second stick of cigarette.

"Mga two weeks ago."

At one point of the healing process, I told someone that the only time I'd be able to move on and have a sense of closure is when I learn that he found someone new. I would be assured that there's no need for me anymore and what we had will be under the bridge for him.

The news Dodong bought suddenly reminded me of an ex's confession the night we finally had a closure.

Raizen complained that in six months we've been together, I spoiled him so much that the ones who came after was no match to my feat. While I was steadily building my bonds with Phanks, there he was jumping from one failed gay relationship to another until he got tired of the cycle and moved on to another country to find work.

The last time I checked his Friendster account, he was with another man in his main profile. I presume that he is his new boyfriend.

Despite what Phanks had done to me - the heartaches, the emotional hostage takings, and all the times I felt I was taken for granted and used for his own advancement - my sincerest desire is for him to find another guy who could at least give him solace in this time of sadness. It is enough that I continue to suffer the trauma, but I will never find peace so long as the thoughts of his sudden return continues to haunt me.

Dodong may not be aware of it but the moment he ignored Phanks' request for intervention, he shielded me from all the emotional turmoil that I will have to face if the ex makes a very rude comeback. That night, my friends and I talked about the breakup and how I am barely coping up with my new-found singlehood. They had their thoughts and hesitations, but like all others who witnessed how my dream-like love story went into a spiral downfall, they were relieved that it's all over.

That I am finally free.

No Rest For Mister Mugen

I just declared a National Holiday this afternoon. Unfortunately, my original plans did not push through. Instead of playing Sims 2, I was glued in front of the television watching Ice Age on HBO. When the movie had ended, I returned in front of the computer and logged on to Meebo to chat with friends.

Just when the sky was about to turn pitch black, I received a text message from an old friend from Odders. It was from Kirsh and he was inviting me to his birthday.

"Punta kayo pabirthday ko. Elbow Room Metrowalk 8 pm. Invyt evry1 Okies?"

So there. My planned Jomanian Holiday is cut short. I will definitely attend his birthday celebration not because I wanted to go out and I cannot stand being stuck at home. Had the invitation been relayed a few days ago, I would have planned my-week long night-out activities and not do an emergency re-calibration like I will be doing tonight. I will be there because it is a tradition that I never miss. Depending on how successful Kirsh's reunion birthday would be, spells the outcome of our yearly Christmas party as a group. I see it as a barometer of how strong our barkada remains.

I'm just waiting for my mom to arrive. Armed with an excuse of being "called" again at work, I will take a bath, dress up, spend an hour working out in the gym (and hope that my white lies would not cost me a toe bone) and attend his birthday bash at Metrowalk later this evening. I will not drink much (hopefully) and do a Cinderella escape like I did last time when I have already spent my gimik pass for the week.

Let's see how the party goes.

---

It is something worth remembering once again...

You agreed to meet me one afternoon, and I came at the place we have agreed upon. You don't have any mobile phone yet so we have to exert more effort to synchronize our eyeball. You said you were wearing a brown polo. I forgot what I wore that day.

And it was, the dawn of our homosexuality. I had just accepted myself months before and as my instincts told me, I should spread the enlightenment Papu had told me. You were cool about it so there we were, marking down history that would become what is today.

The sun was setting over the Sunken Garden. I was waiting for you. I wasn't even aware that you were already there walking around me. I just knew for the fact that you are a chinese-looking student. The smell of freshly cut grass emanates in the air, suddenly a guy decided to lie down on the grass and the sun shone brightly on his face.

I didn't remember how did I approach the guy but it was you all along.

That meeting we had is a past worth cherishing tonight

- Kapatid, September 18, 2005

Waps 4

The Outsider's Thread,
pinoyexchange.com

---

wapo, way to go!

whilst i commend you for creating a new and timely thread, i still feel a wee bit sad that you had to leave nation. (of course, outside the thread, the friendship remains) it won't be the same without you and the rest of the gang. ohwell, we've proven once again that nothing is absolutely permanent in this world, except CHANGE.

regarding to the two questions broached....well, i won't say that i'm the most masculine gay guy. not by a mile. but definitely, i don't fit the stereotype gay (not that there's anything wrong with it.)

do we really have to be so concerned with labels? we're all gays, and yet, we are so plumb scared to be called one. weird.

i had a date last night. it was a blast. during our conversation, he told me that there's this guy who was looking at him. i asked him if the guy was gay, and he said that the guy was indeed gay. i told him to introduce me to his "gay" acquaintance. he seemed perplexed when i said that.

"do you like gays?", he asked.

"hellyeah! aren't you gay?"

i was floored. i couldn't believe the question.

"i'm not gay!" he said.

"so what the hell are you?"

"i'm bi!"

whoa! i snickered a bit. my half-suppressed laugh wasn't unnoticed.

"man, all bisexuals are gay, but not all gays are bisexual!"

"yeah, i believe so."

"so that makes you gay."

hehehhehe, of course, he wasn't miffed. he likes me hell of a lot, eh?

mwah to all the familiar faces! BATH, the former mint will have its grand opening on friday, september 19. free entrance and 50% off on booze! SEEEEEEEYYAAAAAAAAAA!

---

Remember this post Waps? It was the turning point of the Outsiders. It was when you responded to Dodong's call for a new thread that would challenge the pretentiousness pervading in our old nook, Alien Nation. It was when we began a revolution that would shape the PLU community of Pinoyexchange today. It was the evening we decided to have a collective name for our group. Do you feel nostalgic reading what you wrote?

I do.

All we wanted then was diversity. We longed to end the divide between the effems and masculines and just be ourselves. We got tired of how others trumpeted the merits of being masculine, when they acted more effeminate than us. We just wanted to be free, and in that moment we shed our colors to proclaim our loyalties to one another, we became a solid barkada.

It's been six years after you wrote this post. We had our ups and downs, and for a moment we thought we're all goners. You even once said that groups come and go, but individual friendship remains. I would have bought your statement, but in truth, the group and the friendship remains.

We proved it last Friday during our "quarterly" reunion at Quattro.

Where after so many years, the issue between Kirsh and I had been resolved.

And in between the toasts, the laughters, the memories and the revelations.

I realized that maybe, unconsciously, the reunion was for you.

They may not remember the exact date you left us for abroad Waps.

But so long as this blog exists, you will always be remembered.

Hanggang sa muling pagkikita at

Para sa ating habangbuhay na pagkakaibigan.

---

Inside the cab.

Jollieboie: Ang galing no? Kahit konti lang tayo nakapunta ngayong gabi, nagtext lahat sa akin yung mga Odders.

Joms: Malakas ang hatak mo eh. Walang makakahindi sayo.

Jollieboie: Ako nga ata ang nagmana sa posisyon ni Omeng eh.

Joms: Sinabi mo pa.

Jollieboie: Kaya alam mo, kahit anong mangyari, sa Odders pa rin ang puso ko.

Joms: Siyempre dun tayo nagsimula eh. Walang makaka-challenge nun.

Infinity Of The Moment (Two Eight Ball Remix)

Note: I wrote this entry some five years ago. Life revolves around the Outsiders, which is my only PLU group back then. Many things have changed after Dodong moved to another place, but that sunset on the Orion Deck had endured in my memory.

It was indeed a moment destined to be remembered for infinity.

I have written too many good entries this May. As a fitting end to a month full of meanings and realizations, I choose this entry to be my closing while celebrating life as it enters a new moon tomorrow.

Remembering all the good things we shared together Dodong, this entry is for you.

---

Looking below at such breathtaking height of the 37th floor viewing deck, the world bows under my feet. Strange, but I feel that this is a surreal revelation of my recurring daydreams; a fleeting moment that I have to toil for many years if I wish to see again.

Facing a dusty sun, the icy winds from the Sierra Madre mountains blow pass behind my ears, carrying with it lonely voices and stirring some ancient memories inside my head. On my right is the silhouette of Bataan - its towering mountain and the shimmering Manila Bay revealing themselves behind a thin veil of grey clouds. The pumpkin-orange sky changes its color to mauve blue as the city lights begin to flicker around me. From east to west and north to south, everything freezes for a second. The world suddenly becomes a palette of earth colors, as the hands of time move its finger down to another direction.

This will be the last time I set foot on Paragon Plaza, the home of the Outsiders and the sanctuary of Dodong's soul. I admit that I, too had many memories of the place. It was at his pad where I decided to formalize a relationship with a public display of affection - as the drunken Papu dared us to do. It was also at Dodong's pad where we forged a brotherhood that stands strong today.

The pad also witnessed countless self-destruction nights and collective stories of repression being passed around the four cornered walls of Dodong's home. It was here where we discovered ourselves and learned how to be free - despite of what others would think of us. It was here where our friendship had been challenged many times, only to triumph in the face of adversaries.

While helping PJ and Kirsh put Dodong's things inside the carton boxes, I felt this strange apprehension that I will always fear changes. It is a fact that we cannot continue our contingents on our host's new home. We need to find a new spot to extend our happy nights, or return to our old nook along Timog Avenue for sentimental values.

As Dodong's ubiquitous novels and cds were carefully stacked inside the boxes and as the jigsaw portraits were being put down from the walls, flakes of cream white paint falls off. It is like one by one, our memory of the place we have cherished for a timeless moment was being erased right in front of my eyes.

It is all goodbyes now - the pad, the thrills of contingents, the sentimental conversations at the balcony... and the breathtaking view at the Orion deck. At least, I will end the paragon chapter on a happy note and in good tidings with my barkada. No matter where the winds of changes bring us, I know that a part of my heart belongs to Odders.

This afternoon was the first time I saw the sun set from Paragon Plaza. The slow moving vehicles along Edsa slithers like a vicious snake across the city. New bamboo-like skyscrapers in Makati and Ortigas, with lattices and cranes suspended on top of these structures compete to reach the sky. I wonder if in their arrogance, they would end up like the Tower of Babel crashing back to the earth someday. The endless blue waters of Manila Bay remain calm and sober, while the Laguna De Bay, which I used to point every contingent night to someone i am having a conversation with, is covered by thick rain clouds.

Forbes Park hides under a canopy of old trees, like the mythical Lothlorien surrounded by a concrete jungle known as Makati. Fort Bonifacio, has been stripped of its emerald jewels. The only visible scars are the barren soil and the vast open spaces with warehouse-like complexes bannering signs of progress. Espana Tower along with the PLDT Transmitter is shrouded by smog rising above the residential districts of Sampaloc and Sta Mesa. Finally, the last rays of sunlight penetrate the spaces between the proud and lonely condominiums of Ermita casting a long dark shadow stretching some miles away from these stately monoliths.

If only I had a camera... I would like to preserve this passing moment for eternity...

Three minutes, five seconds and a little chat with Dodong later, everything was eaten by the darkness.

It's how fleeting life is;

It's how everything changes in a blink of an eye.

Echoes

While jumping from forum to forum in Pinoyexchange this morning, I found this lone single post left by someone who is in a relationship with one of my tropa in the Odders. His post stood out, because no one recognizes him as a member and nobody ever post in our thread anymore. His post, which was intimately written tells of a Brodder who speaks highly of us, despite not seeing each other frequently like we used to do before.

Whoever that poster was, I owe you for making me remember. The distant memories might be old and rusty, but the feelings - the bond that we keep remains strong and untarnished. How I wish some of my brodders still read my blog, so they would know what you have posted,

And they would know that the roots will always nourish the tree.

Salamat parekoy.

---

- Posted in the thread Outsiders: unmasking the masculine non-straights part 2, PEx.

I'm currently in a relationship with one of your brodders. Honestly, I get jealous when he talks about all of you. He loves you guys so much that when I asked him if he would have to choose between me and your clique, he cannot answer. So yeah, I'm really jealous. But then again, I understand him. You are his support group, and what is 6 months of dating compared to six years of friendship. You guys must be thankful for havaing such a tight bond. I envy you.

- Hegemony

Alyas Jen Marasigan (Last Part)

"Alam mo Bes, bakit ganun. Hindi naman ako effeminate pero nararamdaman ko na may feminine na bahagi sa akin ang gustong makawala?"

"Kasi ganito yun Bes. Given na matigas nga ang exterior mo, pero talagang may pusong babae ka. Live with it, yun rin ang napapansin ko sa personality mo."

Nagsisimula pa lang ako sa pag-eexplore noon nang in-open up ko sa aking kaibigan ang kapansin-pansing twist sa aking pagkatao. At gaya nga ng sabi niya, hindi made-deny na anumang pagkukubli ko sa disguise ng masculinity ay naroon at nakapailalim dito ang unti-unting lumalakas at lumilitaw na feminine side ko.

Nagkataon nga lamang na dahil sa puro koboy na mga binatilyo ang kasama ko sa loob ng anim na taon sa paaralan, masyado na akong nagpakalalaki upang magkaroon pa ng dominance ang femininity sa personality ko.

Kaya't namayagpag ako sa buhay PLU na dala-dala anuman ang legacy na iniwan sa akin ng mga straight kong kabarkada. Naroon at kahit na "paint the town pink" ang laging tema ng Malate noong mga unang buwan at taon ko roon, madalas na ang mga nakakasundo ko pa rin ay yung mga pinaka-masculine na naliligaw sa lugar na iyon.

Hindi ko kinakaila na mas nauna akong na-expose sa mga out kesa sa mga discreet noong mga panahong iyon. Sila kasi ang nag-organize ng GEB sa PEx, kaya naman sumasama lang ako sa kanila para ma-familiarize sa bago kong preference - hanggang sa naka-meet ako ng mga PLU na nakasundo ko talaga ang trip. Minsan naman, kung hindi mga straight-acting ang mga nakakasama ko, doon ako sa mga Femme Lesbian dumidikit. Kahit paano kasi, nakakarelate ako lalo na sa kanilang music trip.

Marahil sa kakadikit sa mga Femme Lesbians ay nagkaroon ng hugis at porma ang feminine personality ko. Noon pa man kasi, alam kong wala sa akin ang pagiging diva-divahan gaya ng idea ng mga ibang PLUs na kilala ko. Hindi rin uso sa akin ang makipagkomprontahan. Nababadtrip ako sa lalaking sobrang ingay na kala mo daig pa nila ang babae sa gaslaw ng kilos. Higit sa lahat, trademark ko na ang pagiging koboy at gentleman, wala pa man sa idea ko ang pagiging PLU. Never mo akong mahuhuli na nakikipag kumpetensya sa babae, bagkus ugali ko pa ring mambola at magflirt paminsan-minsan kahit alam kong deep inside, pareho lang kami ng pinapangarap...

...ang makatagpo ng isang makisig at matapang na lalaki.

Given these circumstances, ang aking feminine personality ay hindi maaring maging average chick lang. Siya yung tipong hindi aasa sa tulong ng isang lalaki, at sa halip, handa siyang makipagsabayan sa opposite sex nang hindi niya direktang nasasagasaan ang ego nito. Itong aking feminine personality ay hindi rin pala-dikit sa mga kikay na babae. Kahit naman noon pa lang, never na akong naging kumportable sa mga babaeng puro pagpapaganda at vanity lang ang kayang pag-usapan sa loob ng isang araw. Sa halip, ang aking feminine personality ay higit na makakarelate sa mga bilat na nagboborder ang ugali sa pagiging isang tibo o bisexual. Let's talk about politics, environment, art, Tori Amos, Dream Pop, at yung mga anime na sikat noong dekada 90. Yun ang tipo ng babae na siguradong trotropahin ko.

Sa mindset kong ito, hindi na nakakapagtaka na magaling akong umamoy ng lesbyana.

May isang panahon na na-adik ako sa isang PC Game na ang pangalan ay Alpha Centauri. Sa mga familiar sa Sid Meier's Civilization, ang strategy game na ito ay continuation ng kilalang empire-building game na ang pagkakaiba lamang ay sa ibang planeta ka nag-eexpand ng iyong empire. Bukod dito, sa halip na mga taong kilala sa kasaysayan ang iyong bida ay mga faction leaders ang namumuno sa iyong bansa.

Dito sa larong ito ay madalas kong piliin ang Gaia's Stepsister bilang aking faction. Bukod kasi na kilala sila bilang mga environmentalist, naaaliw rin ako sa Wiccan, Liberal at Feminist overtones ng faction na ito.

For the first time sa isang PC game, pinili at buong lugod kong tinaggap maging isang babae - si Lady Deidre Skye bilang aking main character. Sa larong ito, hindi lamang ako nagtagumpay sa pag-buo ng isang faction na nirerespeto ng ibang computer players, nagwawagi rin ako sa objective ng laro na maging unang faction na makabalik sa Earth.

Matapos ang karanasan ko sa Alpha Centauri ay hindi na ako nailang gumamit ng female character sa aking mga laro. Na-realize ko rin kasi na gender is irrelevant lalo pa't alam kong higit na mas akma sa role-playing ang character na pinili ko, maging babae man ito o lalaki.

Bunga nitong aking realization, higit kong na-preserve ang aking masculinity kahit pa makisama ako sa mga effeminate at out na bading sa paligid ko. Mas naunawaan ko rin ang differences ng dalawa at hindi ito naging hadlang sa aking hangarin na makipag-kaibigan, maging effeminate man ang aking kaibigang pakikisamahan.

Dumaan ang panahon at nagkaroon rin ng pangalan ang aking feminine persona bilang si Jen Marasigan. Nagsimula ang lahat isang umaga habang nasa pier kami ng Bataan ng mga Odders at nag-iintay ng service na magdadala sa amin sa Montemar. Napagkatuwaan ng isa naming tropa na habang nag-iintay ng sasakyan ay magtawagan muna kami ng babaeng pangalan upang pang-asar ng mga ibang pasaherong kasama naming na-istranded sa pier.

"Dahil Marvin ang pangalan mo, ikaw na ngayon si Marivic."

"Habang ikaw naman Sonny ay si Sonya Ganda."

Siyempre, aliw ang mga bading dahil first time nilang magkaroon ng girlie name. Ngunit sa kaso ko, ang pangalang Joms ay mahirap mahanapan ng girlie na equivalent.

"Jomarie?" Masyadong masculine pa rin, sa loob-loob ko.

"Joma?" As in Joma Sison? Madaya, nagpalit pa tayo ng pangalan. Reklamo ko pa rin sa aking sarili.

"Jen na lang itawag niyo sa akin." Suggestion ko sa mga bakla habang ang isa naman naming tropa ay naghahawi ng kanyang imaginary bangs habang tinatawag nilang Dennise.

Lingid sa kanilang lahat ay mayroon pa akong apelyidong naiisip para sa girlie name ko. Marasigan. Bukod kasi sa medyo astigin itong apelyido ay naalala ko rin si Buddy Marasigan ng Eraserheads sa tuwing bibigkasin ko ito.

Tamang tama sa feminine personality kong naglalaro sa aking utak.

Lumipas ang ilang linggo at marami sa amin ang nakalimot na sa kanilang babaeng pangalan. Nagsimula na kasi ang karir season kaya naman ang karamihan sa amin ay nagbalik na sa kanilang pag-aastang barako.

Subalit hindi ko madaling makakalimutan ang pangalang Jen Marasigan. Gaya kasi ni Joem Endymionne, ang pangalang dapat sana ay ibibigay ko sa aking anak na lalaki, magkamali man akong makabuntis. Si Jen ay naging bahagi ko na.

Had I known it earlier, I would have lived up to that name, knowing it describes my inner femininity

At gaya ng Reyna sa larong Chess, ang aking feminine persona ay higit na mas palaban kesa sa aking masculine personality...

...na sa tuwing ako ay napapasubok sa piling ng mga barakong higit na mas matigas sa akin - gaya sa gym - sa tuwing ako ay nagbubuhat ng mas mabigat na barbell o kaya naman ay sa tungaan ng Red Horse beer - kung saan ay bottoms-up ang labanan ay higit na mas lumilitaw.

Maniwala ka man o sa hindi, minsan, ang aking feminine character ang siyang tumutulak sa akin upang higit na mas magpaka-lalaki,

Lalo pa't lumilitaw na incapable at nagiging disappointing ang straight na lalaki para sa akin.

Madonna En Mariah

Paunawa: Ang entry na ito ay hindi kailanman nais mag-provoke ng digmaan sa pagitan ng mga Mariah at Madonna fans. Ang lahat ng nilalaman nito ay pawang mga obserbasyon ko lamang.

---

Noong sabado ng gabi ay nag-inuman kaming mga Odders sa Greenhills.

At gaya ng dati, huli na naman akong dumating sa venue. Paano kasi ay alas-10 na rin ang tapos ng trabaho ko. Unang nakapansin sa aking pagdating ay si Dodong. Nag-iisa siya noong gabing iyon at wala ang kanyang buddy. Naroon rin si Roy, na tinuturing na naming tiga-organize ng Contingent ngayon. Paano kasi, kapag iba ang nagtatawag ay kaunti lang ang dumarating. Samantalang kapag ang besprend ko naman ang nagtext, walang maka-hindi sa kanyang imbitasyon. Talk about charisma. Kasama rin naming nag-inuman si Truman at si Eisenhower, mga hindi totoong pangalan. Simula yata nang maging magbuddy ang dalawa ay hindi ko na sila nakitang hindi pares sa aming lakad.

Katabi ng table namin ay may nag-iinuman rin. Dalawang babae at tatlong bading. Yung mga bading ay kapansin-pansing chubby. Kung pagmamasdan mo silang mabuti ay hindi sila nalalayo ng hawig sa mga barkada ni Mandaya Moore-Orlis. Pati ang mga babaeng kasama nila ay mukhang bading rin, pero babae talaga sila.

Wala pang limang minuto akong nakakaupo nang may nag-open ulit ng topic tungkol sa American Idol. Kagaya noong huli kami nagkita, si David Archuleta at Ramiele Malubay pa rin ang pinaguusapan. Walang duda para sa kanila na mas gusto nila ang performance ni Malubay kesa kay Jasmin Trias. Si Archuleta naman daw ay masyadong prinopromote ng mga judges na sa tingin nila ay hindi na nakakatuwa pa. Pero dahil ignorante talaga ako pagdating sa American Idol, (na kinababaliwan rin ng buddy ko) wala akong nagawa kundi makinig na lamang sa pinag-uusapan nila.

Marahil ay naramdaman ni Dodong na medyo out of place na ako sa inuman. Upang maibsan ang aking pagka-OP, kinausap niya ako't tinanong kung alam kong may bagong album si Madonna.

"Yep, kasama pa nga niya si Justin Timberlake eh." Ang sagot ko kay Dodong.

Sinabi ko kay Dodong kung ano ang alam ko tungkol sa bagong album: na kesyo sa album ni Madonna ay Hiphop naman ang concept niya.

"Meron na nga akong na-download na song galing dun sa album na yun eh."

"Paano ka magkakaroon eh hindi pa siya released? Wala pa nga siya sa torrent eh." Tanong ng aking kausap.

"Sa Limewire. Nakita ko lang doon eh."

Bago pa matuloy ang kwentuhan ay mukhang natunugan ng iba pa naming mga kasama ang aming topic. Bigla-bigla ay nagsikambyo sila't nakisawsaw sa usapan namin ni Dodong.

"May press release daw na naunahan na ni Mariah si Madonna pagdating sa pagrerelease ng mga albums ah!" Hindi ko matandaan kung sino sa mga tropa ko ang humirit nito.

Kasunod ng hirit ang aking mariing pagtanggi na kapantay ni Mariah si Madonna. "I beg to disagree!" sumbat ko.

Hindi ko alam kung ang aming usapan ay naririnig ng mga bading na katabi namin, ngunit noong mga oras na iyon ay may namumuong tensyon sa pagitan ng dalawang grupo sa lamesa namin.

"Hindi pwedeng maging ka-equal si Mariah. Puro RnB lang naman ang kinakanta niya ah!" Sang-ayon naman sa akin si Dodong. Mabuti at wala sa aming lamesa ang mga hardcore fans ni Mariah. Tiyak na gulo ang mangyayari kung kasama sila noong mga oras na iyon.

Kung tutuusin ay hindi naman talaga ako maka-Madonna at lalong hindi rin ako maka-Mariah. Nagkataon lang na may humahamon sa talento ng isa sa mga nirerespeto kong music artist kaya naman dumipensa kaagad ako. Ngayon kung inyong tatanungin eh ano ba ang nakita ko kay Madonna na wala kay Mariah, simple lang ang sagot ko.

Nirespeto ko si Madonna dahil sa kanyang album na Ray Of Light. Saan ka naman nakakita ng Pop Artist na nag-attempt magpaka-electronica at nagtagumpay dito. Hindi pa kasama doon ang mga ballads na paulit-ulit kong pinapatugtog kapag ako ay nasesenti. Kagaya ni Cher at Kylie Minogue, gumawa rin siya ng disco album na hanggang noong huling dayo ko sa Government ay pinapatugtog pa rin. Sabi ko nga kay Dodong, kulang na lang na gumawa siya ng "Light-Alternative" album gaya ni Sarah Mclachlan at talagang sasambahin ko na siya.

Sa dami ng naisulat, kinanta at naging reinvention ng career ni Madonna, walang duda kung sino talaga ang reyna.

---

Noong gabi ring iyon ay kausap ko si Kuya Tripper sa text.

Paano kasi ay noong dumating ang iba pa naming mga tropa at pinagusapan na ang mga escapades nila sa Galera (katulad ng kwento ng dalawang magkaaway na plu na naging mag-bestfriends matapos bigyan ng booking ng isa yung kaaway niya) noong mahal na araw ay nakaramdam ako ng kaunting pagkawala. Bukod kasi sa hindi na ako makarelate sa usapang bading ay nasanay na ako sa barakong kwentuhan kapag si Tripper at aming mga ka-alyansa ang kasama ko sa inuman.

Inamin ko sa ka-text ko na habang nalalasing ako noong gabing iyon ay yung babae sa kabilang table ang napapansin ko. Ayaw kong tanggapin na umiiral na naman ang pagiging bisexual ko, pero ang sabi sa akin ni Trip na lahat naman daw ng tao ay bisexual talaga. Nagkataon lang marami ang hindi tumatagal sa pagiging fence-sitter.

Buong gabing iyon ay naghahanap ako ng isang bagay na magpapaalala sa akin na PLU ako at hindi bisexual at lalong hindi straight. Buong gabi ko rin inoobserbahan kung paano nag-evolve ang iba sa mga katropa ko sa pagiging in-denial noong kami'y unang nagkita hanggang sa matanggap nila kung sino talaga sila ngayon.

Ang issue ko naman noon ay ang pakiramdam na habang nawawala ako sa sirkulasyon ay unti-unti ring nagiging malabnaw ang kulay ko. Mukha yatang hindi buo ang pagtanggap ko sa aking sarili.

Ganun man ang tingin ko noong gabing iyon, ngayon ko na lang narealize na sa pagbibigay ng comparison sa pagitan ni Madonna at Mariah ay siya ring bulusok ko patungo sa sentro ng usapang pambading. Handa na sana akong maging preference-neutral pagdating sa mga entries ko dito sa blog...

Pero sa huli, hindi ko rin pala makakaila kung ano talaga ako.

Jollieboie

Kahit na bihira na lang tayo magkasama at magkakwentuhan...

Hindi ko nakakalimutan ang matagal at maganda nating pinagsamahan.

Mabasa mo man ito o hindi...

Happy Birthday Parekoy!

The Odderish Opening Salvo

Dear Meng-Meng,

I do not know if you are still connected with me. But suffice to say, I am representing the voices of the guys you left behind but still remember and honor your memory as part of who we are, and who we will become to be...

As you may know, the Christmas Party last December was a huge success. I never thought that such event, that everyone thought would flunk and become a massive failure would suddenly pave the way for differences to resolved and conflicts among us, found its world-peace closure. Its success leaves a hint of what is in store for us this year, and the events that came after seem to be promising for everyone.

Benchboy, after his kodak-moment, kiss-and-make up offering with Roy last party, organized a large reunion for the Odders. Knowing how rare he takes such initiative in gathering everyone , I convinced Roy to become the bearer of the news. He took up the role of a press release officer and for two weeks, he secured every core member's presence in this month's contingent.

Tonight, the meeting took place at Metrowalk. Just as what I assumed, everyone who sees themselves connected with the group showed up. It was a pleasant get-together even if we were just twelve who showed up. Beer and stories flowed freely as the night went on. The more we delve into our beginnings, the more we realized how our roots remain intact: that we are still one despite the constant changes happening to our fabulously gay lives.

It was a meeting full of nostalgia. Everyone kept asking Kirsh's age, who we considers as the youngest member who showed up. I made him remember how I found him lying at the freshly cut grass of the Sunken Garden during our first meet up. Who would have thought that after six fruitful years and a couple of conflicts later, he would, remain part of my life.

Benchboy arrived late. He came from an M2M indie film screening at Sanctuario Bar this evening. I do not know where the place is, but my informants from G4M told me that it is a newly opened blue-bar in Cubao - a predecessor to the infamous Mister Piggy's which you used to call your playground. Like some of us, the years after you left allowed us to expand our horizons and experiences. I bet, if you're still here in the country, you would be in the forefront of such expeditions.

Dodong has a new date. Pao has now proclaimed himself a bottom. R and Will Truman remains solid in their relationship (and probably reading this blog) and Roy, now a poster boy to every group that I belong, has began entertaining thoughts of forgetting his age. Six years after I met him, we remain tag-team buddies. I still look after his back, despite the consequences it may bring to me. And our very own Nate... the guy who became infamous for his jusku! jusku! expression, showed up, after spending several months in another country. His presence lifted our spirits. With his warm personality and with his conflict with Sonny now resolved, I am most certain it won't be difficult to call contingents in the future.

After downing thirty plus beers, three buckets of San Mig Light and countless stories later, we all traced back our roots to you, who once bonded us together as one group. Despite our huge differences nowadays, we still find the common ground, the Outsiders because of the gift of friendship you selflessly shared with us..

I just want to say that you are still remembered waps.

And this year appears to be very promising for all of us.

Just as I promised to myself, the next tagay with the group will be for you and those who we still remember as part of us.

Who would have thought that after all these years, we will remain strong and enduring.

Thanks for the wonderful memories Omeng.

Until we see you again.

Missing Days (Last Part)

Dear Diary,

To continue the things that happened during the missing days. A week after the Hanap Barkada Christmas Party, I showed up at the traditional Outsiders Christmas Party. Would you believe that we have been celebrating the event together for six years now. That's a huge feat knowing that all of us who were there during the first Christmas Party were there during last Saturday's party.

After a year's absence, Rocky and his committee have successfully booked the Elbow Room at Metrowalk. The Outsiders places much importance in the said bar since the most successful post-Meng-Meng Christmas Party was held there two years ago. Unlike the previous Christmas Parties, this year's party was graced with more guests and there were significantly more couples who showed up this year. Even though we rarely hold contingents nowadays, I find it surprising that the group remains intact. We may have our own little subgroups, but I'm glad that everyone still values the main trunk where we all came from. To remember how we grew up together and became aware of this lifestyle is truly a humbling experience. I hope they share the same sentiments with me.

I went alone since Phanks had another party to attend. It's been a long time since anyone had seen us being together. But as I've said to Benchboy, we are still a couple. Despite my solitary presence, I never felt out-of-place for Dodong and Roy decided not to bring any guests with them. The three of us, who often shares the night (out) together found each other's company more endearing that night.

Compared to the previous parties we had before, the (parlor) games this year were sponsored by an Odder. I cannot remember the names of the games, except the one where I won a boxed bottle of Grand Matador Brandy. It was a beer drinking contest and coincidentally, it was sponsored by the Odder who works for a huge brewing company.

In spite of my new work schedule, I still left the party earlier than everyone because Phanks told me that his party had already finished. You see, we have this promise of spending the last nights together before Christmas and we haven't broken it ever since.

---

And those were the other things that happened ever since the changes that took place more than two weeks ago. So far, my life has been a string of parties and late-night bondings, which my dear mother doesn't approve of. In fact, she expressed her reservations yesterday about my after-midnight arrivals. I told her that since my life begins later in the afternoon, I can't simply close my day when my shift ends. Most likely, I would do my errands or socializing activities after my work duties.

My activities didn't just end after the parties. I did some Christmas Shopping/Delivery Rush where I started my journey riding a jeep going to a godson in La Loma and ending it with a posh taxi ride from Bonifacio Global City to UST (Pre-Kalayaan Revelation) In between the two extremes, I walked from Avenida to Cartimar Recto, and from Recto to Quiapo. Also, I did some bonding activities with some close friends such as Macoy, DK and Mami Athena. Late last night, I still went to Dodong's place to join a pre-Christmas reunion with our former housemate, Nanay Silday, which I haven't seen for ages. We did some bonding and took some photos while the three of us were wasted.

Last night, Princess found his knight in shining armor.

Soon after, I exhausted myself too much (from worrying about my busted computer to sending my presents to people before the 25th) that my body is already failing me.

On the eve of Christmas, after successfully completing all my objectives before the holidays, a little sneeze from my dear sister directed to me, and I immediately caught her flu. Here at work, waiting for the shift to end, I declare myself officially...

Sick.

Christmas Day would come and I might probably find myself ridden in bed.

Spaghetti Strap Incident

Ang bilis ng balik ng karma.

Alas-siyete ng gabi. Papunta ako sa opisina ni Phanks upang maningil ng utang nang si Roy ay biglang nag-aya ng gimik. "Ahhh, mukhang walang date ang pogi," sabi ko sa aking sarili. Dahil nasa labas na rin lang ako't matagal-tagal na akong hindi nakakapag-night out, nagpasya akong lumabas kasama siya matapos kong makuha ang pera sa aking boylet.

Habang iniintay ang tapos ng work-out ni parekoy, nagpasya muna akong mag-internet sa Vito Cruz. Dito na naganap ang aking pambabalahura sa isang tiga-G4M na sinumpa yata ako bilang paghihiganti.

Matapos ang isang oras, nagkita rin kami ng aking kaibigan. Unang kwento ko sa kanya ang pagka-pilosopo ko minsan sa aming favorite tambayan.

"Ang harsh mo talaga. Ako ini-ignore ko na lang yang mga yan eh." Pangaral niya sa akin. Sige na masama na talaga ako. Siraulo ako sa mga pasaway na walang inatupag kundi maghanap ng sex o kaya manghingi ng pic at number samantalang hindi naman ako kinakausap ng matino.

Dumaan muna kami sa bahay upang maghapunan at para makapaghilamos na rin ako ng mukha. Buong araw na kasi akong nasa labas bago pa man kitain ko ang aking kaibigan. Matapos nun, nagpunta kami ng Greenhills upang kitain naman si Dodong. Nitong mga nakaraang mga lakad ko, hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit natataon na kaming tatlo ang natyetyempong free kapag nagkakaayaan.

Sa pagkakaintindi ko, mag-iinuman lang kami sa pad ni Dodong. Masyado kasing homey ang bahay niya kaya't kahit hindi na kami mag-bar hopping, solb na ang aming gabi kaka-soundtripping at walang katapusang sentihan tungkol sa aming mga buhay-buhay. Nagkataon naman na gustong lumabas ni Dodong kaya't kahit naka-baby blue sando ako, lusob pa rin kami sa Timog upang ipagdiwang ang gabi sa piling ng isang Macho Mug ng San Mig Light sa Quatro.

Nang dumating kami ng doon, ito ay punong-puno ng tao. Ang dami pa ngang waiting sa labas eh. Sa pag-aatubili, nagpasya na lang kami maginuman sa ibang bar.

Dito na nagsimula ang aking kalbaryo.

Habang naglalakad sa kahabaan ng Timog Avenue, nagkabiruan pa kaming magpunta na lamang ng Gigolo para maiba naman ang crowd. Siyempre, hanggang biruan lang iyon sapagkat kung merong unang matatakot sa aming pumasok sa bar na iyon, ako yun. Laking takot ko lang na baka mag-enjoy ako't balik-balikan ang lugar na yun.

Natunton namin ang ikalawang bar which is Off the Grill nga. Nag-inuman na kaming magkakabarkada dito noong nasa Manila pa ang isa naming tropa na si Omeng, kaya naman kampante ako na hindi magkakaroon ng problema ang get-up ko.

Ngunit, nang papasok na kami sa loob ng bar, bigla akong hinarang ng security guard.

"Boss bawal ang nakasando rito," ang sabi niya sa akin.

Si Dodong naman at si Roy na tiyempong nasa likod ko ay bigla na lang natawa at inasar ako ng katakot-takot.

"Sino ba kasi ang nagsabing magsando ka sa Timog eh. Hindi to Malate Joms?" Hirit ni Dodong sa akin.

"Malay ko ba na magti-Timog tayo. Eh nagtitipid ako sa damit eh." Depensa ko naman.

Kaya't nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad. Lingid sa kaalaman nilang dalawa na nagbabadya na akong lumipad ng Malate sakaling i-boycott ulit ako ng susunod na bar na pupuntahan namin. "Mabuti pa sa BED, tanggap nila kung sino ako." Dedma lang ang dalawang kasama ko.

Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad. Si Dodong at si Roy naman ay katakot takot na pang-aalipusta ang ginagawa sa akin.

"Tiyak sa Garahe eh tatanggapin tayo." Ito yung bar kung saan nagdaos ng GEB ang isang grupo sa G4M. Dito ko rin nasaksihan nag-walk out si Roy nang makita niyang naglipana ang mga diwata sa nasabing GEB.

"Yoko nga, jologs dun dito na lang tayo sa Mang Jerry's" Pabiro naman hirit ni Dodong. Sa paghahanap ng matinong bar, umabot na kami ng Tomas Morato sa paglalakad. Sunod naming tinungo ang Barracks kung saan yinapos ako sa braso ng bouncer sabay bulong sa akin ng,

"Bawal ang naka-sando dito tol." Gusto ko sana itanong bakit yung mga tsiks pwede mag-spaghetti strap.

Sa mga oras na iyon, hindi ko alam kung ako ba'y uuwi na lang o maghahanap ng ukay-ukay para bumili ng T-Shirt. Si Roy naman ay kung ano-ano na ang tinuturo na maari kong maging panakip sa aking exposed na balat. Mula sa kurtina na nakita namin sa isang tindahan hanggang sa mga dahon-dahon sa punong nadaanan namin sa kalsada ay nirekomenda na niya sa akin. Pati ang lona sa Clubber's Guide ay pinagdiskitahan na niya rin.

"Pahiram ko na lang sayo yung sando ko galing sa gym, gawin mong shoal" lalo pa niyang pinang-asar sa akin.

Na-reject pa ako sa isang bar bago kami umabot hanggang sa 7-11 malapit sa Chino Roces Avenue. Nagawa namin ito kakahanap ng maiinuman na tatanggap sa amin. Sa aking desperasyon, pumasok ako sa katabing bar malapit sa convenience store. Nakapasok naman ako dito ng hindi sinisita. Maganda rin naman ang sounds at katanggap-tanggap naman ang aura.

Ngunit, sa mga sandaling iyon, pagod na ang aking dalawang kasama.

Free na kaming uminom sa bar nang biglang nag-aya si Dodong ng:

"Tara balik na lang tayo sa Greenhills."

Umuwi kaming sawi galing sa Timog dahil sa akin.

Yun ang aking karma.

---

Epilogue: Pasado alas dos ng madaling araw. Sa saliw ng musika na nagmumula sa laptop ni Dodong; Sa guitar instrumental na nagpapakalma sa aking badtrip na damdamin dahil sa mga nangyari pa kinagabihan; Sa nakakalunod na usok ng yosi na hithit-buga kong pinapakalat sa hangin habang lumalagok ng isang bote ng San Mig Light, narealize namin na tila kami-kami marahil ay tinakdang maging magkakasama panghabang buhay.

"Imagine ano kaya ang itsura natin kapag singkwenta na tayo," tanong ni Roy.

Si Dodong naman ay nagboboses matanda. Nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang kanyang sinabi.

Habang nag-uusap silang dalawa, mataimtim akong nakatitig sa madilim na bahagi ng Ortigas kung nasaan naroon ang Wack Wack Golf Club.

"Five, Fifteen, Fifty... Future ito." pabulong kong sinabi sa aking sarili.

Awake To Emptiness (Donya-Donyahan Sessions Four, Last Part)

I could still close my eyes and remember how I spent my last night at Papu's place.

It was past midnight. The soft orange orbs glow brightly, lighting up the stretch of Riverbanks Road from Blue Ridge all the way to Marikina. The Santolan LRT Station was bathed in white luminescent light radiating over the horizon. The drab houses, which are perched on the hills of Antipolo now glimmer like faint stars in the distance. They form patternless constellations, which when viewed from a high place still makes a person breathless once he gazes at them.

However, the room where I was supposed to sleep was shrouded in darkness. The only source of light that illuminates the entire pad comes from the kitchen, and from the units across the condominium tower where the bedroom - Papu's bedroom was located.

Roy didn't make it. He was supposed to stay and join me for the night, but something came up and he was not allowed to leave home that evening. The cheap boxers shorts, which I requested him to buy for me did not materialize. Since my provisions were only intended for an overnight stay, it was already stretched to its limits. I had to endure an evening wearing a cum-spotted boxer shorts, which was the result of watching too much Xtube videos in the internet.

So I went to Eastwood Cybermall to buy some provisions after receiving Roy's cancellation. Since I was playing the part of being the solitary donya which began on the first night, I had to live it up or my whole act would be put to waste. That morning, I rode a cab going to work. I got off the taxi in front of our building and pretended to be some yuppie call-center agent, ignoring everyone that I came across. In my eyes, I was filthy rich; I was simply doing an eight-hour job because I don't have anything to do with my free time.

If I have done an overboard, I would have pretended that I have a rich boyfriend who went abroad for a business meeting. Of course, Papu's hubby would get mad once he found out that my little "act" would cause some confusion and disbelief. Even if these pretensions were only running inside my head, too much delusion may reflect on one's perception of things.

So I had to resume my routine once work had started. When my shift had ended, I returned to Papu's place riding a lowly jeep in order to save money. Sometimes, acting has its limits especially if you don't have the resources to back your entire play.

Now going back to Cybermall, I was really short of underwear, so I really have to buy a pair of boxers. The cheapest one I could find was displayed at Penshoppe and I was tempted to use my card for the purchase. Fortunately, Phanks returned the money he borrowed several days before. It was supposed to be for my phone payment but I decided to use it, lest I face the hassle of looking for an ATM machine inside Eastwood City.

Then I went to a nearby Ministop store to buy a bath soap and a natural-flavored Nagaraya before going back to the pad.

Coated peanuts was my dinner that evening. There was food in the fridge but I don't know how to cook.

Papu also forgot to leave a bath soap when he and his hubby flew to Davao. Therefore, I had to provide my own.

---

Looking back, it was a night of complete contrast.

I was living the epitome of material pleasures yet I was forced to survive on meager subsistence. I slept wrapped under a thick blanket, which I brought all the way from home to defer homesickness. The AC hummed above me. At home, the electric fan blasted artificial winds on my legs and feet, but my back, face and head remained drenched in sweat. At Papu's, I watched National Geographic on a Philips 37-inch HDTV before going to sleep. In my room, it is the 15-inch Panasonic CRT that automatically shuts off 30 minutes after I dozed off.

Two weeks after it all happened, I still miss that final night.

But what I will miss most is the fact that for two days, I had my independence. I struggled to live alone, isolated from everyone and I succeeded.

The trusteeship of Papu's pad went well and I have completely re-adjusted back to my old life. As far as I know, I did a good job looking after his home and his cat, Alec. Everything is accounted for.

However I am not expecting another opportunity to come in the future.

Knowing that my responsibilities to my family comes first, it will always be Roy - who would be asked first to become the taong-bahay. Since he lives on his own, his assistance would be easier to confirm rather than mine, which only comes at the final hour. Besides, he doesn't have anyone left behind to worry about and he seems more comfortable taking the responsibility I reluctantly accepted.

It was his call and not mine. But it was my dream and not his.

Three years ago, I found myself talking to a unit broker at Espana Towers. I was doing an ocular inspection of a pad that I was pretending to rent. The broker was so convinced by my act that he showed me around in order to allay my doubts. However, I knew the futility of my attempt. It was impossible to afford such a place even if my dad, at that time could afford to buy a brand new car anytime he wants.

He will never grant my wish.

But the dream persisted: "By mid-twenties, I shall know what it feels like to live independently in my own pad." At twenty five, I did finally live in a pad alone, but the dream was not mine to enjoy.

The brief and fleeting Donya-donyahan sessions - for all it's worth and hassles - will forever be a reminder of what it feels like to finally cross the last hurdle and find myself truly there. It lasted only for a day and two nights, but it was the closest I get to having my dream.

I know that it will be a long shot before I could reach my destination. In fact, I may never reach my destination at all. But as a source of comfort, Papu only found himself at that spot thirty one years after he was born.

I am twenty six before the year ends. There is still time.

Alternate Reality (Donya-Donyahan Sessions Four, Second Part)

Boredom and restlessness can make a person do things he would never do in normal situations. I could have taken advantage of the opportunity being presented to me while looking after Papu's place alone.

As I browsed a sleazy website, a single thread post in the forum or chatroom could have permanently altered the sanctity of the place I was watching over. These are some of the thoughts running inside my head that fateful night:

1. I could have invited a hot guy to drop by. We all know where such invitation would lead to.

2. A better idea would be to invite two hot top/versa guys to hang-out with me for a drink and snacks. A kinky ménage à trois would have spiced up my restless night. In order to lessen our impact on the pad, we could do the deed in the bathroom. It would also lighten my guilt after the fuck is over. I should be wary of my invitations though. Having a serial killer for company isn't a fun idea.

3. Or if I am shameless enough to exercise my perversions in somebody else's place. I could organize a last minute orgy with all hunkies online invited. An activity like that would increase the kinkiness factor tenfold and it would surely leave me lots of memories to share. However, the mess they would leave and the grueling task of cleaning everything would leave me too haggard for work the following day.

Yet, these are all but mere fantasies. Even if my temporal insanity would enable me to do such deeds in my mind, restraint and respect for Papu would crush those erotic inclinations before they become a reality. Roy and I talked about such reckless excesses before. We both agreed that it would be best for us to conduct such activities at someone's place instead.

Even if we sleep over at Papu's place..

---

Aside from getting a higher phone bill by the end of the month (don't ask me why), the first night passed without any incident. Before I left for work the following morning, I made sure that Alec had an ample food and water on his dish. I also took the necessary steps to unplug all electronic devices that I could pull out from the socket.

Nevertheless, I was constantly disturbed by the fact that I have left the Whirlpool fridge and LG microwave on. Adding to my worries was the thought that I might have not locked the door properly. I feared that it may result to theft or burglary without anyone being aware of what happened. How can I explain to Papu that his brand new audio system got stolen.

Therefore, I decided to return after my shift at work ended. Traveling from San Juan to Libis was not only stressful, it was also heavy on my wallet. However at least, it alleviated the anxieties that consumed me the entire day. Besides, my sister was still using the computer so heading home and barging into my room where she's working would not be a good idea.

Everything was still intact when I arrived at the pad. Contrary to my initial paranoia, my fears never came true. Alec greeted me with a relieved meow when he saw me enter the door. As usual, his thick, long fur was all over the floor.

I spent the rest of the afternoon at Loyola, where I walked some miles under the blistering sun just to reach a friend's grave. His family commemorated the 40th day of his passing. When I arrived at his grave site, everyone had already left. I was late for the event.

So I placed the Anthuriums near his tombstone and said a little prayer before I left. That moment, all I could think about was the lost we felt after his passing. I also realized how close we have become during the final years of his life.

When I returned to Papu's unit, I checked on my mother's decision whether she would let me sleep over in Libis or ask me to return home. She said that they are still working on my sister's thesis and they would appreciate if I stay elsewhere. Despite my garment shortage, I received her decision to have an extension with overjoyed bliss. Who wouldn't like to sleep in a place where you can almost feel you're a rich kid?

So I sent Roy an sms message asking him to buy me a cheap boxers on his way to the condominium. He told me earlier that he would join me for the night to have an update on each other's life. As I waited for his arrival, I wrote a portion of my paper which is due on Friday. In the first place, it was my main reason for staying there.

Papu was online as well.

He was telling me that it was raining in Davao and he didn't enjoy the trip that much.

As night came, boredom sets in. There was no ready-to-eat food in the fridge and there was no soap in the bathroom. I was short in everything, including the undies that I would wear the following day. Therefore, I have to buy some provisions when Roy arrives. However, it was getting late. I tried to text him of his whereabouts, but he never replied.

Suddenly at past 8pm, he texted me with this following message.

"Pasensya na parekoy. Hindi ako pinayagang lumuwas ng Maynila eh."

I would have to spend the night alone for the second time.

---

-tobecontinued-

Bantay-Bahay (Donya Donyahan Sessions Three, First Part)

The view from my bedroom was truly breathtaking.

If not for the condominium's twin tower partially blocking my window, the entire portion of Sierra Madre that rises in Antipolo, with its chocolate green hills and newly developed subdivision houses would have been the sight that would greet me in the morning. The Marikina River snakes down below, where rustic huts still line its murky banks. Farther in the distance, the Mango trees hiding the plush mansions in Blue Ridge gives way to the cliffs of Katipunan. If one would look closely at the towering structures in the horizon, he would never mistake the Burgundy Tower for something else.

Yet it was already dark when I decided to gaze outside the confines of my temporary home. For two nights, I was once again the guardian of Papu's abode.

It's been seven months since he last entrusted his place to me. Apparently, Papu was satisfied with the way I run things around while he and his partner were away. Back then, I had a companion with me. Since I could not take over the responsibilities for several nights alone, I asked for Roy's assistance. In the nights that I could not make it, he was the one sleeping over.

Papu's reasons for entrusting his home (and the valuables that he kept within) remain a mystery. As far as we know, he wanted someone to take care of Alec, his Persian cat who apparently does not enjoy being alone. If not for the spoiled cat, I would have had second thoughts of staying over. It's not because of my namamahay habit but because of the huge responsibility that comes with looking after someone's little kingdom.

Papu never emphasized these responsibilities however.

The truth is, it wasn't me who is his first choice to stay over. It was Roy. Perhaps he understood that despite being capable of doing the job effectively, he knew that I have a family to look after as well. However certain events lead to a change of policies at home. Instead of imposing severe isolation while trying to finish my papers in school, I was left looking for a place to stay for the night.

It was because of my sister. She was rushing her thesis for today but due to some stroke of bad luck, her computer broke down last Friday. With no other option to finish her thesis on time, I made a supreme sacrifice of letting her use my computer instead.

As a show of gratitude to my selfless act of giving up my room, my mom allowed me to stay elsewhere to beat my own paper's deadline.

---

Looking after someone else's place was not an easy undertaking.

First, I had to adjust to my new surroundings. Papu lives in an upscale condo somewhere in Libis. His unit maybe slightly smaller than my mother's two-story apartment, but his home is full of lavish objects that I could never buy with my own paycheck.

Second, in the face of being surrounded by valuables that I could never afford, I felt suppressed gawking on luxuries that I could actually use to amuse myself. Papu never said anything about utilizing them for my own entertainment. I could have spent all night watching comedy films if I was daring enough to operate his expensive dvd player. However, out of fear that I might break something due to my ignorance, I stayed away from his electronic appliances that I don't know how to operate.

Better accept my ignominy rather than face the consequences of my stupidity later .

So I spent the first night surfing the web. I tried to download and copy as much mp3s as possible but constant distraction prevented me from exploiting the full potentials of Papu's DSL connection.

The sleazy websites are just a click away and with boredom and deafening silence gradually killing me, the temptation of taking advantage of my isolated situation disturbed the stillness of my thoughts.

Nevertheless, I continued browsing the sleazy websites.

But Papu's moral compass kept on crossing my mind

---

-tobecontinued-

The Return Of The Butterfly (Second Part)

Unlike the previous birthday parties Kirsh had, this one was different for one single reason: His partner Chris, invited his girl bestfriend to a gathering attended exclusively by homosexuals. She was literally the odd one out and despite her being a female, he blended well with us for she had this babaeng-bakla attitude which appealed to everyone.

The whole night she would shout "taena pag nalasing ako dito magsasayaw ako sa ibabaw ng table!!" and the guys would respond "sige magsayaw ka diyan para namang may titigasan sayo" to a raucous of laughter. Dennis-Bench would then make a segway volunteering himself as the judge who would see who really gets a boner, to a raucous of more laughter. The girl was both funny and friendly, and when she did start dancing to the beat of Benny Benassi's I Love My Sex, everyone cheered on her and teased her to take her clothes off.

Last night, she became the life of the party. She would go around and talk to everyone as if she's one of the boys. I would never forget that one time she related to us how she bought her straight guy date at BED simply to give him the shock of his life.

Because in the end, the guy he bought there was "converted" less than six months after he felt how to be one with the gay crowd.

In fairness to her, even if it was the first time we met, I already liked her bubbly personality. Unfortunately, it might be the last time we see each other for a long time. I overheard in one of her conversations that once she gets hired in her new job, she will be assigned in the provinces to oversee her company's construction projects there.

Later that night, when every couple was at the brink of making-out in front of others, she became the tanggera of the inuman. Together with Rico, who appeared less stressed and haggard compared to the last time we saw each other, they would go around with a vodka or gin in hand, dancing and grinding to club music just to entice the boys to have a tagay with them.

Since she was the only girl in the party, nobody dared to make a pass at her offer.

---

As a result, I ended up one of the most wasted among the attendees last night. I didn't throw up, like I always do when I get drunk. But through my slurry voice and swinging walk, one would obviously notice how I needed to go home and retire for the night.

So after midnight, I decided to call it a night and leave the rest to more partying. I had to leave because of work, and also because I could not catch up with them anymore because of the intense swirling feeling in my head.

While inside the cab, I recovered a portion of my awareness. I remembered that I gave my word to my other group that I would show up in their little gathering somewhere near Vito Cruz. Despite the heavy downpour in Quezon City, I called a friend to ask him their whereabouts.

"Nandito pa kami sa Provident. Intayin ka namin," was his response.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Return Of The Butterfly (First Part)

This is where the party ends and the great hangover begins.

Last night, I went out of my routine to attend two big gatherings. Both of them have deep connections to my roots, and also, both of them are my two distinct PLU circles which I am affiliated with.

My night began shortly after I arrived home from the gym. To catch up with my school requirement, I lied in my bed and continued reading the novel Fistful of Colors, which we will discuss on Monday. Ever since Dr. Tope required us to read a different novel every week, I have forced myself to read diligently and often cram my long readings so that I would never show up to class unprepared. I only got the book last Friday, courtesy of a classmate who lent it to me. Naubusan kasi ako ng stock, so I had to improvise unless I'd call in sick this Monday.

Anyway, I received an invitation last Thursday. It was from Kirsh, my Odder brother and he was inviting me for his 24th birthday celebration which he will hold in his apartment last night. This guy was one of the first PLUs I met. Imagine, I went all the way to UP (I was a yellow- blooded Tiger back then) just to see him and officially usher him to my first group in Pinoyexchange. However, I found him too masculine for my effeminate dominated circle. I was worried that since he still classified himself as a "discreet tripper" and that, he may not cope up with the fabulousity of my first barkada, I introduced him instead to Papu and Roy, which were in the process of creating a small subgroup within the budding Alien Nation thread.

Fast forward six years later. Kirsh is a career-oriented PLU with a househusband for a buddy and two dogs which they claim as their "children." He works for a beer company and is in fact, one of the more successful and financially stable guys in the group.

Roy and I arrived at past 10 pm in his apartment. As a tradition, the guys would never confirm their attendance up until the last minute of the gathering. Such habit, which I still carry wherever group I show up. Nevertheless, when we showed up last night, I was surprised at the people who were there: Kapatid na Dodong with his new partner; his ex buddy with his old partner; friends who were taken the last time I saw them and friends who were single the last time we met. In fact, I think the ratio of those who were taken to the ones who were single was two to one. Nainggit tuloy ako. If I was not with Roy last night, I would have bought Phanks instead.

After the exchange of pleasantries with the people I attempted to distance myself from several months ago, I felt a surge of genuine warmness overpowering me. The last time I showed up in a Contingent, I almost felt like an outsider. I don't know, maybe it was because of mental conditioning. Perhaps, I was so eager to be disconnected and reinvent myself anew that I completely shunned the people I've been with for the last five years of my PLU life.

Such feelings already belong to my past. For the first time in recent months, I really felt that I still belong and ties, which I thought to be in tatters already were completely restored in just a matter of hours. I approached Kapatid na Dodong who was seated near the window, since aside from Roy, he is one of the guys I am very close to. After a brief tight hug, I went to his partner to acknowledge his presence. Dodong and I were talking about this common girl friend of ours who broke up with her boyfriend of four years. He said that in almost a decade of knowing her, this is the first time he saw her very devastated. In the end, we resolved to see each other more often just to be with this girl. I also warned Dodong not to check my blog unless he wants to get the shock of his life.

Before I could continue what I was saying, he immediately cut me by responding, "honga joms, ano yung mga nababasa ko dun?"

You see, a few years ago, I was the most conservative (if not decent) guys among my tropa. I stood up alone at the height of the Paragon Self Destruction Nights, thus earning me the nickname "Pulis Pangkalawakan" whenever Dodong would hold a house party in his pad, which happens every week. Except for Dodong, who had silently witnessed my notoriety when taken over by Darkstar during my singlehood days, nobody would ever thought that I am capable of doing things that my blog had revealed lately. In fact, exactly a year ago, I would still go at great lengths to let my two personalities clash over what actions to take whenever I feel compelled to unleash my frustrations elsewhere.

Today, the debate rarely happens anymore. I would simply let my boner bring me to places and events that I would never dare to tread before.

As for Dodong, I never gave him a clear answer to his question. I felt that it was not the right time for me to explain my activities, and besides, I was never proud of them. Instead, I grabbed a beer and went to mingle with the other guys who were present at the party.

---

-tobecontinued-

Waps 3/G4M GEB (Last Part)

To look back at our past, the first thing I would remember is the never-ending Friday nights at Quatro. That's where our brotherhood was forged right? Whenever I remember the dreamy freezing nights guzzling our beer out there, it's like things never really changed. I don't go to Timog anymore, but still nothing compares to the freedom I felt when we were there celebrating whatever ties we had as a group.

That's what I am beginning to feel this evening. In their company, I felt so at home.

The comedians were absolutely fantastic on stage. The "divas" who performed reminded each and every one of us of a neighbor-thread in G4M that promotes and showcases the best of being transvestites. In fact, this group held a GEB last week, only to be boycotted by the very core of their thread. Nagtampo tuloy yung madir-maderan nila. It was a laugh-trip Waps, especially when I mentioned that the boycott caused a tampuhan among them. And to think they fashioned themselves as the main characters in Encantadia (a fantaserye in GMA 7 last year) To compare theirs to the surprise GEB we had tonight,

At least yung sa amin, walang plano-plano, hindi pa na-boycott. Hehe.

I forgot how many bottles of beer I downed tonight. I don't even know how many trips I did just to take a leak in the bathroom. In between breaks, there were laughter. There was less talk because we were constantly distracted by the performer's punchlines. However I guess, the meet-up planted the seeds of brotherhood among those who showed up.

It was a success, and there's no contention about that.

Alam mo ba waps, most of them had never felt how to have a PLU group before. When I say PLU group, you know, the kind of friendship and brotherhood we had in the Outsiders before. Too bad, some of us lost it along the way. But don't worry, the core you left remains intact and I guess it would remain so for as long as I have strong connections with the people you have left. Roy is still there, as well as Papu, Garppp, Goonie and Nathan. I think we can be considered a core already. I've been tagging Roy to every group I am associated to. After all, we've been partners from the very beginning - even before we have met you. Pangako ko nga, isasama ko siya once this new group I belong to forges strong ties with one another.

Sana nga, it could happen.

I still have to reach out to the rest of them since my inter-personal ties are only limited to the leader and Grade. The host is cool, as well as our other companion who I guess, epitomizes a guy who has good looks, nice body and masculine demeanor all of us are dreaming of having. The future remains unforeseeable, but in a such a small world like ours, interpersonal contact is bound to happen sooner or later. Who would have thought that in my semi-wild presence in G4M this past few months, I would end up finding a company which will somehow restore order back to me.

By the way, Arj is on a rampage. I wish we could help, but he seems so isolated right now. I will tell you everything when we get to talk in YM soon.

Remember Waps, I still remember the past. And our lessons, which I still treasure today passes on to every group that I am associated with. You are a fine example of what a very good PLU friend is and if you were here right now, I guess, the Outsiders won't disintegrate as it did.

Looking back, I still remember how I met you on a rainy evening of August four years ago. I just came from a funeral - my Lolo's funeral feeling down and desolate. Bes Goonie and the rest were chilling out at Starbucks Rob Place and you were there, just smiling back at us. You were just in a corner there, observing our activities.

Who would have thought that many months later, you would become our center. The only person who connects to everyone who finds a home in the group called Odders.

That past would never happen again, but the friendship and reaching out you shared with us, is what I tell to Lostwansoul of PEx and Caretaker of G4M - who I see as the leaders of the groups I am currently associated with right now.

Until we meet again wapo.

Thanks for the memories.

Yours truly,


Tri[p]nautic