Before We Close The Gates

And lately it seems we've been chasing
what time's resolved.
Or maybe something means nothing
Here after all.

- Collective Soul, After All

---

Minsan sa isang inuman ay natanong ako ng isang kaibigan kung marunong pa daw ako magmahal. Ikinagulat ko ang kanyang tanong sapagkat ito ay nakakagago. Hindi ko rin naman siya masisi, doon kasi sa tagayang iyon ko inamin sa kanya kung gaano ka miserable ang buhay relasyon ko noon.

Ngayong nagbabalik-tanaw ako sa mga kaganapan noong inumang iyon, nagsisisi ako sapagkat sana'y nasabi ko sa aking kaibigan ang aking hiling na makaramdam kung paano tunay na mahalin. Sa loob kasi ng maraming taon ay tila ba lahat ng pagmamahal na binigay ng aking kabiyak ay may kundisyon. Naroon na ituring niya akong ATM sa tuwing nagkukulang ang kanyang sweldo o kaya nama'y gawing computer shop ang aking kwarto sa tuwing siya'y may assignment sa school. Ayoko na sanang maalala ang mga ito, subalit ngayong ako ay nasa proseso ng pagsasara ng puso, hindi ko maiwasang magmuni-muni kung paano ba totoong makaramdam.

Sa mahabang panahon, ang tawag ng laman ang siyang nagdikta ng pagpasok ko sa isang relasyon. Hindi ko na inisip ang pag-iisang dibdib ng mga diwa o kahit na ang pagkakaroon ng similarity sa mga bagay-bagay. Noon, basta alam kong may naramdaman ako sa isang tao ay handa ko nang suungin ang relasyon. Ang resulta, pagkabigo sa pag-ibig dahil sa hindi pagkakasundo sa prinsipyo at paninindigan.

Nakakapanghinayang.

Malinaw sa akin na marami na akong pagkakataong sinayang. Patapos na rin ako sa pamamasyal sa pamilihan sapagkat nararamdaman ko na ang bigat ng edad sa aking mga prioridad. Nararamdaman ko na aabutin ng mahabang panahon ang paghihilom ng mga sugat na iniwan ng aking nakaraan kaya't kinakailangan kong ipinid ang pintuan ng pag-ibig. Hindi pa ako handang harapin ang bagay na ito.

Subalit sa aking pansamantalang pamamahinga, nararapat na mag-iwan ako ng mga bakas upang sa aking pagbabalik ay alam ko kung sino ang aking hahanapin. Takot man akong maglayag sa karagatan muli, subalit ang tawag ng damdamin ay hindi ko maaring ipagwalang-bahala ng matagal. Ang puso ay kusang tumitibok pilitin man natin itong itago sa ating sarili at kapag ito'y nangyari muli sa akin, tanging ang mga bakas na aking iniwan ang siyang magiging gabay kung ako ba ay magmamahal o muling magtatago.

Heto ang ilan sa mga aking mahigpit na pagbabatayan sa muling pagkakataong ako'y iibig muli:


1. Pipili ako ng ka-partner na mas maangas sa akin. Hangad ko ang laging nahahamon ang aking pagkalalaki. Likas rin sa akin ang pagiging pakawala at mahirap makontrol. Hindi ko alam kung mapapasunod ako ng isang taong kilos malamya. Nangangamba rin ako na maaring hindi ko seryosohin ang isang effeminate. Upang maiwasan magkasakitan ng damdamin, serseryoso lang ako ng taong makakagabay sa akin.

2. Sanay na akong tumayong mag-isa. Hindi man ako independent sa maraming bagay, subalit masyadong mataas ang pride ko upang umasa sa iba. Kung hahanap ako ng isang kapartner, pipiliin ko na ang isang maabilidad at marunong mag-control sa mga nangyayari sa kanyang paligid. Limang taon kong nahasa ang pagiging ma-diskarte sa mga problema salamat sa aking ex na laging umaasa sa akin ng mga solusyon. Na-spoon feed ko man siya, subalit ang kapalit noon ay ang pagkakaroon ng initiative upang makita ang mga sitwasyon bago pa man ito maganap.

3. Hahanap ako ng kapartner na malapit sa kanyang pamilya. For a change, pangarap ko naman mapakilala sa pamilya ng aking boyfriend kahit na ako'y isang matalik na kaibigan lang sa kanilang paningin. Ganito rin ang nais kong mangyari sa aking pamilya. Lubos kong bibigyang paggalang ang aking kapartner sakaling tanggap niya ang pagiging mama's boy. Ang batas ng nanay kasi ang siyang umiiral sa aming pamamahay at kung maipapakilala ko siya sa aking nanay bilang isang lalaking malapit sa kanyang ina, hindi malayong ang aking tahanan ay maging kanya rin.

4. Pipili ako ng kapartner na low maintenance. Matagal ko nang tinalikuran ang materyal na pangkasiyahan at nadala na ako sa relasyong ang nagpapaikot ay pera. Kilala ang mga PLU sa pagiging vain at metrosexual. Hindi ko makakaila na sa maraming panahon ay ganito rin ako. Subalit, anumang trappings ng vanity meron sa akin, ang pagiging koboy, rugged at fit ang siyang mga traits na hahanapin ko sa aking magiging kahati.

5. Masyado mang mababaw ngunit pagdating sa common interests, maghahanap ako ng buddy na mahilig sa kasaysayan, anime, science fiction at alternative music. Ngayon ko lang aaminin na kapag ako ay in-love o kaya naman ay nasa mood mangromansa, ang maririnig mong tugtog sa aking player ay mga kanta ni Shawn Mullins, Bic Runga, Five For Fighting, Dishwalla, Paula Cole, Lifehouse, Goo Goo Dolls at Ben Folds Five.

6. Ang pagsusulat ang natatanging kong sandata na maaring ipagmalaki (bukod pa sa isa) Higit kong ikatutuwa kung ang aking kapartner ay hindi lamang magaling makipaglaro sa kama kundi matindi rin makipagtagisan pagdating sa wika at sa pagsulat ng istorya - mapa-Ingles man ito o Filipino.

7. Nasambit ko minsan sa isang kausap na ang tatlong component na bumubuo sa aking pagkatao ay ang pagiging creative, esoteric at intellectual. Lubhang napakahirap hanapin nito sa isang tao. Sakaling ako man ay makakatagpo ng katapat, asahan mong ito'y hindi ko bibitawan.

8. Dalangin kong makatagpo ng isang kapartner na may pinaniniwalaan at nag-uumapaw ang kabutihan.

9. Pipili ako ng isang kapartner na mababaw ang kaligayahan. Siya yung tipo ng tao na makakahanap ng kasiyahan sa mahabang paglalakad o kaya nama'y pag-eexplore sa mga lugar lugar na hindi pa namin nakikita. Siya ang tipo na makikitaan mo ng ngiti o kaya nama'y pagkaaliwas ng mukha makakita lamang ng sikat ng araw o kaya nama'y paglubog nito. Siya yung tipo ng tao na nakakaramdam ng kalayaan sa tuwing tumitingin sa mga ulap, sa mga bituin o kaya nama'y sa bughaw na dagat. Siya yung tipong nakaka-appreciate sa mga "wide open spaces" o kaya nama'y sa matataas na lugar kung saan maraming matatanaw.

10. Higit sa lahat, hahanap ako ng kabiyak na aking makakausap sa tuwing ako ay nalulumbay. Yung kahit magdamag kayong magkasama ay hindi kayo mauubusan ng pagkwekwentuhan. Hahanap ako ng kabiyak na marunong maka-appreciate sa halaga ng isang yakap at kapayapaan sa katahimikan. Sa loob ng pitong taon ay hindi ko man lang naging kakwentuhan ang aking mga naging kapartner.

Sa dami ng aking batayan ay tila imposible ang makahanap ng katapat. Kung tutuusin ay wala naman akong maaring ipagmamalaki upang bumalangkas ng mga kundisyon na siyang magpapatibok ng aking puso. Ang masaklap pa dito, madalas ay nauuwi rin tayo sa mga taong hindi naman natin talaga hinahangad.

Sadyang bihira lang yata talaga pagtagpuin ng tadhana ang mga taong naghahanap sa isa't isa.

Sa kabila nito ay handa akong mag-intay gaano man katagal matagpuan lamang ang aking hinahanap. Handa kong ipagkait sa aking sarili ang tawag ng laman, ang pag-ibig na maaring ibigay ng iba, at ang distraction na aking matatanggap sa mga tagahangang irereto ng mga kaibigan o kaya naman ay makikilala sa sayawan.

Ito ang aking magiging sakripisyo.

---

What I will never admit to my heart, no matter what truth presents is that the one who comes closest to the person I am searching; the one I would readily keep in my arms; the one I would do everything to take away his sadness and pain

is someone just a heartbeat away.

But we are bound to go separate ways. We are only meant to be friends.

Therefore, I have erected listening posts around my citadel in search of another. In my greatest fear however, I feel nobody else will come close. Absolute chemistry is simply hard to find.

The gates are now locked. The long sleep begins.

A Visit From The Afterlife

Our Christian belief tells us that there is life after death. Jesus Christ, as he was nearing his death in the crucifix assures one of the dying thieves who believe him that he will next open his eyes in Paradise. Other enlightened men would describe the afterlife as a garden of perpetual delights. It is a place where hatred and pain do not exist and time wounds itself to a complete stop. It is a place strolled by saints and angels and where joy and happiness never ends. No wonder, every living soul on earth is enticed to seek heaven's promise of eternal life.

Though I follow the way of the cross, I do not believe in the thought of heaven or hell. For me, they are merely abstract ideas put in place by men of religion to keep the people of all ages and creed hoping and dreaming of a better life beyond. Mom, in her infinite love would like us to stay together even in the afterlife. I would love to embrace her ideas, but at the back of my head, I would always wonder what good there is in a life without pain and struggle. What value there is in a soul that would stagnate in the passing of eternity.

For these reasons, I tend to embrace the eastern thought of afterlife. I would like to believe that a body is a mere vessel where the soul resides. In its countless cycle of rebirth across time, it learns, it matures and then at the end of its journey it blends with the source in what the sages call Nirvana. The thought of having a chance to atone for my mistakes comfort me. If only such path truly exist, then I would never fear death at all.

In all my life's searching, I find evidences that I might be an old soul on its way to a higher journey. That old voice speaks through Pulsar when I direct myself towards unearthly goals. However, I am aware that concepts are mere concepts. Reincarnation, heaven and soul might just be human ideas. Until I reach the end of my time, I will never know the truth about existence. It is these thoughts that keep me searching for my life's meaning.

However, there are signs that point towards the other direction. The afterlife might be an endless garden after all. Like I said in my other mustard seed entries, life is full of mysteries and no matter how we try to unravel them, new mysteries come up and will keep us wondering the metaphysical aspects of existence.

Take for example what happened last week. Dad appeared once again in my sleep. I have always known that my dearly departed loved ones pay me a visit in my dreams. It happened so many times before that I do not find their presence spooky anymore. However, it still bothers me when they visit - especially my father, who I believe should be on his journey by now.

The details of the dream are now blurry. All I remember is that we were cordial when we saw each other. We were talking about this certain newspaper that he manages. You see, he was a writer and a newspaper publisher all his life. After reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I envisioned my father's idea of heaven being a huge newsroom where he is the chief editor. If there is a grain of truth in Albom's thoughts, then perhaps, dad must be a publisher in the afterlife.

Anyway he said that he doesn't follow the news - like he used to when he was still alive. While telling his new preoccupations, I was turning the pages of the tabloid, that apparently he owns. What is unusual about this tabloid is that the masthead (the box where the list of staff members and editors of the newspaper are put) includes so many people. I think I even told dad that "andami mo namang tao, ngayon lang napuno ito ah!" before I was stirred from my sleep.

Like all dreams about him, I would have ignored this appearance for one reason: I do not know of any occasion where he would wish to be remembered. The last time I had a striking dream about him happened a week before his second death anniversary. It was where we finally settled our differences and found peace in the afterlife. Despite his regular visits to me, he never makes his presence felt to my mom or my sister in their sleep. Mom would say that maybe dad is still guilty of the things he did to her when he was still alive. I do not know. What I am sure of is that he passed away with dignity and love from the family he almost turned his back from.

It's been four years since he departed life and I still wonder why he remains in the realm of the living. Is there a possibility that his continued presence only proves that souls do not travel from one body to the next like what the eastern thought believes? Is it possible that his presence in our lives still has purpose since he left us with so many unfinished business that we need to fix ourselves?

Sometimes it is difficult to dive into metaphysical ramblings for I am left with so many questions that I cannot answer myself.

However, what separates this dream about my dad from the others I had before is that I was not the only one who saw his apparition that morning. A revelation by a house help while eating my lunch left a cold chill so intense, it made the strands of my hair point upwards for quite sometime:

---

Alam mo, napanaginipan ko yung papa mo kanina. Dumating daw siya tapos nagpapahanda ng ulam sa akin. Natandaan ko yung mukha niya kasi sa mga pictures sa sala. Hayun, niluto ko siya ng Tuyo at Sinangag. Sabi niya sa akin dun na lang daw siya kakain sa kwarto mo.

Muñeca Emisaria

Greetings my lady, welcome to the realm of Jomania. My name is Mugenbear, the heart and soul of this place.

My name is Darkstar, the protector of the pristine wilderness of this kingdom.

And they call me Pulsar the Pink. Hyuk.. Hyuk.. I am the one who keeps the balance in this fair land. How may we assist you?

Great tidings my lords. My name is Qiki, the beautiful and voluptuous ambassadress from a land far far away. I have come bearing good intentions from the omnipresent one, Master Neil of the great nation of Camhalla.

In behalf of all that is left of Jomania, we acknowledge your most esteemed one, Ambassadress Qiki. Hyuk.. Hyuk..

Thank you. Your graciousness will be noted in the annals of Camhalla. Anyway, lets get down to business shall we?

The guardians of Jomania are listening my lady.

Great. I have heard that this land is a home to dolls like me. Whispers tell of a princess who keeps the harmony in this place a long time ago. I do not know what happened and nobody in Camhalla knows your land's legends. Is it possible to seek their audience?


... [silence]

You speak of folktales ambassadress. Hyuk.. Hyuk.. We do not know of such dolls. If they have ever existed, then they have preceded us by eons.

Only the three of us remain in this place, but yes, whispers tell of a world they call Grenesia. The land was blessed with life. Unfortunately, tiny nation-states battle for supremacy in that realm. They set up fortresses and kingdoms perched on top of the hills or deep inside the caves. Legends tell that some of these tribes were gifted with exceptional talents that they can make objects fly. We do not know how such powers exist, but it is what the folktales reveal.

Interesting. We never know of such people in Camhalla. Is there a way I can reach out to them?

We do not think it is possible my lady. Grenasia is a world far different from the realm of Jomania. However, we do believe that some of the tribes have survived the war and the ones left are resting deep beneath this land of serenity. We leave you to explore this place. Maybe, just maybe, your presence might awaken them again.

Thank you very much. I have more questions...

Alas, our time has come to leave. Seek and you will find. May the infinite wisdom of this land guide you in your quest. Goodbye Qiki.

Wait... Don't leave me alone please!!

Heaven's, they left.

---

-tobecontinued-

Buff Daddy Interludes One

If the workout project can be measured by space travel, then the distance I have covered from the last time I wrote about my muscle pumping exploits to the time before I suffered some setbacks because of Throatie already spans a journey of a light year.

I remember writing before that I am prepared to spend another year at the gym for my chest to become firm and my tummy to become flat. Call it vanity, but in my way of thinking, I call it patience. It has become a virtue that I stick to nowadays. Meanwhile, the workout itself has become a way of life that I have already become a regular fixture in the gym. When not working out, I try to pass the philosophy to newcomers. Unfortunately, only few are willing to make the sacrifice. Most of the rookies would simply try their luck on any method that never demanded of pain. The results were superb at the beginning, but as they discover later, everything is just a yo-yo achievement. Upon reaching their basic goal (which mostly to expand the girth of their biceps), they begin to slack from their routine. Soon, their gains diminish and they are thrown back to where they all began.

As for my routine, the pay-offs were swift, and the sacrifices were rewarded handsomely. For every time I get pinned between the Olympic Bar and the Power Cage during the Bench Presses, the firmer my chest becomes. For every Iron Plate I add to the Squats, the lesser my abdominal fats show up when I walk naked around the house. Such were the rewards of working out without the aid of machine. However, there were downsides to the strides I made and it was already too late when I realized that I am making a huge mistake.

You see, I was gravely concerned by my increasingly steady weight gain. From 160 pounds, it climbed to 164 by early November. I thought I was slacking off with my diet so I tried to curb the gain by cutting off nutrients intake to a minimum. I would spend twelve hours starving myself only to binge when hunger dips my energy reserves. The extremes broke down my body. However what lead me back to Throatie was sleeplessness and my constant dependence on nicotine as a temporary relief from hunger.

---

And so I was disabled for more than a week.

And the gains I made suddenly vanished out of thin air. Meanwhile, the feeling of sloppiness has increased two-fold after my recovery that it lead to a state of imbalance. I felt bloated and fat and if not for the constant reminder that I had to take a rest lest Throatie might return, I would have returned to the gym the day I started showing up at work.

Despite these impressions of being sloppy, I was aware that I won't have to worry gaining weight for a long time. The fever resulted to a swift decrease in body mass, which will require some heavy food binging before my old weight is restored . It would surely take my head off from the thoughts of slacking, but this is not my main concern at the moment. Some pressing matters needed to be understood or I might be heading towards a disaster again.

The doctors strongly recommend that I refrain from any gym activities for at least another week to let my body recuperate. Same advice was given by close friends who bore witness to Throatie's rampage of my system the previous week. Mom was against the idea of working out at all. Instead, she suggested that I seek a dietitian's help before eating iron plates again. Blakedaddy, the gym instructor, told me to start my program on Friday. I nodded to his suggestion but I had something else in mind.

The strong protestations fell on deaf ears, for I was bent on restoring my routine. I was very afraid that in prolonging my rest days, I might end up stopping the program completely. Had I not been stirred early this morning, restlessness would not have gotten over me. Instead, I took advantage of the time believing that the gym is my personal crusade. So I took a bath shortly after I got out of bed, ate lunch early and headed to the gym without thinking twice of the consequences of my actions.

As a result, the workout had a very bad start.

I was barely able to complete the EDT (Escalating Density Training) program which consist of a 20-set, 3-repetition, 85-lbs Bench Press. The Squats strained my lower back for the first time. Perhaps, the 215-lbs barbel was too heavy for lifting. Despite having a full meal over lunch, I knew I won't be able to keep up with the program. I was so messed up that I had to improvise on the Dynamic Rows or I would fail completely. I decided to stop after completing my five-rep fourth set DR. There was no use forcing myself to finish the routine for it would only result to body fatigue.

---

There are times I would ask myself what purpose do I have in working out when my main goals have already been achieved. It is clear that I do not intend to whore myself around, especially now that the Pact is in place. As for health matters, it seems that my fitness activity is turning against me. Count the number of times I got sick because of the gym and you will find out that I'm better off staying sluggish at home.

As for using my muscular advantage as a leverage on romantic affairs, I doubt if it would work. Not only am I bent on closing my doors to all outsiders, what I am seeking now is the harmonics of the mind and not of the flesh. Having someone to speak about fitness would be a pleasant afterthought. However from now on, I would just secretly admire those who are superior to my physique. I would try not to openly complement someone because he has a body better than mine.

Despite these new trends and sudden shift of philosophies, the workout project will continue. The setbacks will only drive me closer to achieving my new goals and it would remind myself of the road that lies ahead. I still need to get buff, and I still have to acquire that six-packs now that it is within reach. At the gym, I am considered as one of the average lifters. There are others who can lift weights that are twice heavier than my capacity. I have to become them.

The failures of today will serve as a moral lessons of tomorrow. While the goals, no matter how complicated they have become will remain as they are. I cannot go back to where I was two years ago.

Obesity will never happen to me anymore.

Therefore, the gym lifestyle is here to stay. Not even a serious bout of illness will force me to turn my back to all the things I have gained.

Left Pic: The Buffdaddy from G4M
Right Pic: The Nagfe-feeling Buffdaddy from Blogspot

Spirit Within

Mga ganitong araw noong bata kami nagsisimula ang diwa ng Pasko sa aming lugar. Pagkagat ng dilim, kanya-kanya kaming labasan sa aming mga bahay upang magtipon sa isang lugar para pag-usapan ang pangangaroling pagsapit ng gabi. Hapon pa lang ay nakahanda na ang mga instrumentong aming gagamitin. Nariyan ang tambol na gawa sa lata ng gatas na hiningi sa isang kapitbahay. Ito ay tinatanggalan namin ng plastic na takip upang pasakan ng cellophane na magsisilbing drumhead nito. Gamit ang mga gomang napanalunan sa isang larong kalye, ang cellophane ay aming inuunat gamit ang mga goma bilang panali hanggang ito ay magkaroon ng tunog. Ang drumstick ay gawa sa kawayan na ginamit na pantuhog ng Banana Que. Madalas ay pinupulot namin ito sa basurahan. Ang dulo ng stick ay binabalutan namin ng plastic bag na tinalian ng goma upang ito ay tumalbog sa tuwing tumatama sa kasama nitong tambol.

Kapag sinisipag, nariyan rin ang Tambourine na gawa sa mga tansan. Ang mga tansan ay aming pipitpitin hanggang sa ito'y maging flat at bubutasan sa gitna gamit ang pako at martilyo upang magsilbing lagusan ng wire kapag ang mga tansan ay amin nang pinagsama-sama. Hindi ko na matandaan kung may iba pang mga instrumento na gamit noon sa pangangaroling. Basta sa aming lugar sa Santa Mesa, sapat na ang dalawa.

Kadalasan, ang unang pintuan na kinakantahan ay ang sa kapitbahay. Bukod kasi sa kakilala na, imposible ang masabihan ng "patawad po!" lalo na't kapag ang nanay ay nasa bakuran lang ng bahay mo. Madalas ay sila rin ang pinaka-mataas magbigay ng aginaldo na noong kapanahunan ko ay hindi tataas ng tatlong piso. Ang saya no? Ganito kasimple ang buhay noon. Mayroon mang TV Patrol sa TV - na si Noli De Castro pa ang news anchor, wala sa aming bokabularyo ang maglagi lang sa loob ng bahay upang manood lang ng telenovela.

Magbalik tayo sa pangangaroling. Upang maging madali ang hatian, nililimitahan ang kasapi sa tatlo o apat depende sa dami ng musical accompaniment ng grupo. Mayroon nga dating mga bata, soloflight na sila sa pagkanta, ni Tambourine ay wala pang kadala-dala. Gawin daw bang A capella ang "Sa Aming Bahay." Madalas sila ang nabibiktima ng "patawad po!" Kung hindi man rejected, laging maliit ang natatanggap nilang aginaldo galing sa mga bahay-bahay.

Iikot ang gabi na para bang walang pasok sa paaralan kinabukasan. Sabagay, sa mga panahong ito ay Christmas Mood na rin sa aming Catholic School. Nariyan ang mga adbento-adbento, ang pagsisindi ng mga kandila tuwing Flag Ceremony at ang walang katapusang pagpla-plano ng Christmas Party at Christmas decoration ng mga rooms. Pati ang mga teacher ay tinatamad rin sa kanilang lessons, palibhasa kasi ay nasa kung saan na ang mga utak nila. Come to think of it, masaya sa elementarya. Sana lang ay puwede tayo maging pupil habambuhay.

Sa buong takbo ng pangangaroling, mararanasan namin ng maraming beses ang mapatawad. Madalas ay walang barya o kaya naman ay naunahan kami ng kumpetisyon salamat sa ibang mga bata na dumayo pa galing sa ibang lugar. Sa tindi ng kumpetisyon, makakarating kami ng ibang baranggay at papasok sa mga eskinita na walang lagusan. Mababastos rin kami ng mga tambay at kakahulan ng mga aso na animo'y mas malaki pa sa amin.

Sa sampung bahay na magbibigay sa amin ng aginaldo, anim dito puro mamiso. Ang isa ay singkwenta sentimos at kung makaka-jackpot ay maaring may magbigay ng limang piso. Pero dahil wala pang limang pisong coins noon, maaring nag-iilusyon lang ako. Sa hinaba-haba ng Christmas Season dito sa bansa, darating rin ang mga gabi na puro patawad ang iyong maririnig. Ang ibang mga bata ay babawi sa pagkanta nila ng "Tenk yu, Tenk yu, ambabarat ninyo Tenk yu!!" sabay takbo papalayo sa bahay. Ang iba naman ay bubwelo pa lang sa pagkanta subalit nakatanggap na ng isang malutong na "Patawad," bago pa sila makahinga. Sa pagdaan ng panahon, masasawa ka rin na kada gabi na lang ay may kakantang mga bata sa iyong pintuan upang manghingi ng aginaldo. Sa mga bata naman, nakakawalang gana rin ang mangaroling gabi-gabi na alam mong wala kang mapapala sa dami ng rejections na natanggap mo. Siguro ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit sa panahon ngayon, bihira na lang ang may kumakanta ng "Sa Aming Bahay." Maaring sa ilang lugar ay nangyayari pa ito, subalit sa amin ay wala na akong naririnig pa.

Christmas is around the corner, ang sabi nila. Sa bahay nga ay ilang linggo na akong kinakantahan ni Yaya para magdagdag ng Christmas Lights sa labas ng bahay. Masyado daw malungkot sa compound dahil walang nagsasabit ng ilaw o kahit parol man lang. Naghahanda na rin ang mga malls at palengke sa dagsa ng mga tao para sa nalalapit na pagdiriwang. Tiyak, marami na rin ang nagscra-scramble para makahanap ng karelasyon maiwasan lang maging miyembro ng SMC ngayong taon.

At para sa mga katulad kong nakakamiss ng nakaraan habang patuloy na naglalakad sa isang hinaharap na walang kasiguraduhan,

Ang alaala ng pangangaroling noong aking kabataan ang isa sa mga bagay upang ang diwa ng Pasko ay patuloy na magkaroon ng totoong halaga sa akin.

Kahit pa na sa maraming pagkakataon ay unti-unti ko na itong kinakalimutan.

---

Christmas Shopping spree officially began this afternoon.
All for the sake of capturing the spirit...

The Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact

Introduction:

This agreement seeks to achieve two goals for the parties involved: emancipation from lust and focus on other matters which include, but is not limited to career or academics pursuits. Designed with one thing in mind, the Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact assures both parties entering into this contract of a stress-free existence away from the complexities of Cyber-PLU engagements. The pact will significantly limit both parties' ability to seek hook-ups, dates or non-straight acquaintances with the aid of the internet.

Points of Unity:

• Both parties agree that they will refrain from using gay hook-up sites for pleasure or social purposes. Upon effect, they are bound to delete or abstain their presence from Guys4Men, Downelink, Manjam, Dudesnude and other sleazy websites where contact with another non-straight is possible.

• Both parties agree to keep their Friendster, Multiply, Facebook and other social networking sites under the guise of being heterosexual in content and nature. It is forbidden to create another alter-profile for any purpose it will serve.

• Both parties agree to inhibit their presence in chat applications which can turn hostile to the party under agreement. Both parties are strongly discouraged to access sites such as MIRc and Yahoo Rooms or participate in any cyber conversations which are deem sleazy in nature.
  

• Both parties agree to keep the points of unity open for provisions and amendments. However, the basic framework of the Pact revolves under these three areas of understanding.

Limit and Scope of the Alliance:

The Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact applies only to cyber engagements. Public encounters and incidents shall fall under the direct responsibility of the party engaged in such act. The Pact shall cease effect when one of the parties involved willfully breaks just even one of the three points of unity above. The pact will also cease effect when one of the parties under the alliance enters into a harmonics* contract with a third party or when Odinhood completes his academic requirements five months upon the beginning of this pact.

Executed this 24th day of our Lord. November, 2008


Blogged:



mugenblue.blogspot.com
odinhood.blogspot.com

---

*harmonics contract - formal romantic engagement.

But For What My Dear Manny, Another Glory?

The caption reads:

Spread the Faith
Voice Out a Prayer for Manny here.

I say:

Spare the Almighty from the national pastime. There is no glory when money passes hands from the crooked to the corrupt because of the man wearing boxing gloves above. There is no real victory in a match whose very thought was engineered with wads of cash in mind. There is no pride when half of the spectators around the ring are oblivious to the fact that the champ whose arms were outstretched above hails from a nation of dazed people with a missing soul that it continues to seek...

... always in wrong places.

How can there be glory when the "Pambansang Kamao" lets his fame be exploited by capitalists dogs, too eager to harvest his name for profit gain? How can there be unity when a selected few can watch the game in the comforts of their home, or theater through pay-per-view live satellite feeds from Vegas while the rest fight for space inside cramped indoor basketball courts, or spend hours waiting for the results in a super-delayed telecast courtesy of local, heavily advertised telecast? How can there be thrill when the Pambansang Kamao trade jabs with his Latino opponent while halfway across the planet, a drunken porky man trade uppercuts with his bone-skinned wife over a scrap of meat for lunch while the same pound by pound match glazes the TV screen?

Spread the faith, the ad said. But where is faith in a government that spins the truth from its people? Where is faith in a society that performs cheap circus tricks - like rolling on the floor on a noontime show for a dole out of 5 thousand pesos from the host - in full horror of the nation? Where is faith, when those who claim to have one are the most morally dredged of society - like the naked man kneeling above. I find no hero in someone associated with the worst devils of the country. I will never forget how he ran for office believing that his fame will easily lead him there.

As for my faith with this brand:

I'd find salvation in something else, any other brand than this.

---

Photo serves as banner ad from pinoyexchange.com

To Remember The Dark, Will Never Let Us Lose Sight Of The Light

Guys4Men, early this year

---

Mugen: would it be alright to bookmark you so...


....So that even in this dark and forsaken place, I would still be reminded that there is light?

Spiritual Adviser: Tell me so I can pray with u or for u ...
Miy problems is worth half a million > how much is yours. Im not loosing hope.

God is good to me all the time.

Mugen: Nothing really that big. I'm just trying to contain my urges. :)

Thanks for replying. It really means a lot.

Spiritual Adviser: Why dont u jack off or look for someone to jack u off. dont control your murges, let go to the one u love...

Mugen: I'd try that. Maybe its my exposure here that's driving me this way.

Spiritual Adviser: Exposure to way ang edad mo ay eded ng malilibog dats why u need a lover or partner to fool arouid.

Spiritual Adviser: There is nothing wrong with having a release with another consenting adult.

Mugen: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.

I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.

Mugen: I know. I just think that i'm too sexual that's why I'm concerned. :)

Spiritual Adviser: With my age, I had a thousand rejections. Rejection is normal. If we are rejcted, by some one then lets move on.

50% of the guys in the sex forum are just fooling around.Pagdi mo kilala ang tao di ka dapat mag seb kasi u either get held up or hold up or std or hiv....

So be cool and take rejection with a good laugh

Mugen: thats what i'm trying to learn.

Thank you very much for listening. Next time we see each other. I will make sure i'm in a better standing than it is today.

God bless po.

Spiritual Adviser: are u a virgin in sexual matters ?

Mugen: nope. thats what i'm afraid of. If I'd unleash myself right now, I'd released the sexual side of me.

Spiritual Adviser: hahahahahahaha.

Hindi naman ganyan. I can teach u one by one if u like.
Its not that serious. Ur standards and moiral values with still control u.

my number 09164xxxxx. im glove unlitixt so pwede tau text if globe ka na. My nephew will use the pc. text ka pa glove ka. keep in touch.

U sound delicious, In my 55 years never had a virgin in my entire life.

God bless,

Mugen: Thanks. Take care and god bless. My shift is over. See you again here.

Spiritual Adviser: I will be your sex slave. hehehehehehe

---

Odin, are you ready?
Semaj, marami pa akong kwento..

The Arousal

He was given the green light to take a bath yesterday, but the patient has decided to clean himself only just now. This is due to being given permission to change his sick-stained sheets this morning, whose pillow covers and blanket reeked of dried sweat, dead skin flakes and filth from his four-day bout with chills. Paracetamol popping had ceased this morning. The fevers are gone and the headaches, well, the patient still experience them from time to time but it does not alarm him anymore. What he fears are the drug's effects on his liver. He is starting to feel strange in his midsection since yesterday. The fan also starts whirling early this morning. With his body temperature back to normal, his feet would require a focus blast of wind to keep itself cooled as it has always been during sleeping time. It is as if the patient is ready to resume his life again, but he should take caution this time.

The doctor has given him permission to start working tomorrow.

And the call of toiling to make a living proves too tempting to resist, but the stress it brings is another story.

Let us see how it goes. What matters is that we are ready to pack up and declare this patient, this stubborn big boy,

discharged.

HD

Nagsimula ang lahat sa isang kanta, sa loob ng Jeepney kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi. Cheesy daw ang lyrics ang sabi ng marami. Pero dahil gusto ko ang melody, palihim ko itong kinakanta sa tuwing ako ay nag-iisa. Sa isang live performance ng MYX maraming taon na ang lumipas nang una kong nasulyapan ang bokalista. Totoy pa ito't mukhang kakaiba sa kasabayan nitong mga banda. Bukod kasi sa mukhang geek ang mga kasama nito, masyado silang malinis tingnan upang ituring na grungie.

Kumbaga, wala sila sa stereotype na mga rakista.

Subalit dito sa performance na ito una akong napahanga. Bukod kasi sa napakalaki ng kanyang boses, iba rin ang kanyang dating sa stage. Masasabi kong confident ang binata. May dating kahit hindi gwaping. Higit pa rito, sila rin ang may kanta tungkol sa isang araw na kinaayawan nating lahat, na noong mga panahong iyon ay kaytagal ko nang hinahanap.

Ayoko na sanang magising sa katotohanang tapos na ang pagkahilig ko sa mga bandang Pinoy. Henerasyon ko ang Eraserheads at ibang henerasyon ang kanyang kinabibilangan. Sa kabila ng generation gap, ang kanilang husay ay hindi makakaila. Itapat mo sila sa bandang Hale at tiyak, na malinaw kung sino ang may mas magandang musika.

Akala ko ay sa pagdodown-load at pakikinig ng kanilang mga kanta matatapos ang aking pagkaulayaw.

Subalit ito ay nagbigay daan upang

Gayahin ang kanyang boses sa tuwing ako ay hinahamon sa kantahan.

I-stalk at magpa-add sa kanyang Friendster at Facebook account.

Pasimpleng mag-iwan ng ngiti sa tuwing maririnig ang kanyang boses.


Bihira lang ako kumilala ng talagang iniidolo. Subalit nang biglang tumulo ang luha ko habang pinapanood ang kanyang UAAP-themed MTV kanina, alam kong kakaiba itong nararamdaman ko...




... Crush ko nga yata si Yael


---

Bumaba ako sa jeepney
kung saan tayo ay dating magkatabi

- Jeepney, Spongecola

At ayokong magising sa umagang
nang-aakit, naninimdim
di alam, walang patutunguhan

- Lunes, Spongecola

Matalo kung matalo
huwag ka sanang magkakamaling
sumuko na lang.

- Puso, Spongecola

The Dominus Offensive

It was around 7 last night when Throatie's condition had turned from bad to worse. Last Monday, mom's physician discovered that the cause of my high body temperature since Saturday was a runaway Tonsillitis. She said that it covered the left side of my throat. It was a complete surprise for I thought that the antibiotics which I used to tame Throatie last month would still have its effects. I was dead wrong. The physician prescribed an antibiotic and despite being bedridden yesterday, I was hopeful that the drug would take effect.

However, something was wrong. I noticed that my throat had become more swollen and the temperature never dropped from its all-time high despite my persistent gobbling of paracetamol. The left side of my head was a head-splitting agony. It throbs and when it does, I moaned in pain.

I went downstairs to ask my mom who was watching Dyosa to check the condition of my throat. With a pen light in one hand, she aimed the pen inside my mouth. Her eyes were in shock. Not only were the entire left side of my throat covered with pus, the infection had already spread on the right side as well.

Panic ensued.

Calling my aunt who is a doctor for recommendation, she immediately ordered a change of antibiotics. Fortunately it was my mom who called because my aunt was furiously mad at me. You see, I was told not to go to work on Sunday. However, I love my job so much that I never listened. As a result, I was hours away from a hospital confinement and everyone's lives got disrupted because I was too careless to look after my own health.

I returned to my room because the temperature was again giving me the chills. The struggle to spare myself from being admitted is already over. As my mother and my aunt were mulling over the options on what to do with me, I was inside the sheets groaning and thinking if there's a way to lift myself from my sunken state.

Then I remembered Dominus.

Struggling to focus, I began praying the rosary using my fingers for beads. I was seeking solace from the Virgin, knowing that my head will roll when my aunt sees me the following day. Its been two months since I stopped praying regularly and much as I find it awkward to seek grace again, I thought that it was the least thing I could do.

I knew that serendipity connects my malady at present from the illness of my past. Two months after ex and I became a couple, I was admitted to the hospital for five days because of the same Throat Infection. Almost two months after winning back my freedom, here I am going back to where I was five years ago.

I guess I have achieved a full circle.

Another thing that is strange about this infection is that it is not just the ailment of the body, it felt like a corruption of the soul.

For the past few days, I was having a hard time getting sleep. It might be due to my headache, but I also sensed that something dark and hateful hovered above me. I cannot describe its form, except that it is a shadow. It speaks in my dreams but its words I could not remember.

Looking back, I've been quite cold, cruel and snooty to people this past few months. I get easily annoyed and I had turned vengeful to some. There is a possibility that in my arrogance, something was able to corrupt me. This thought, lead me to go back to my spiritual roots. After all, nothing is lost and people have been so kind to check on my condition even if some of them don't know me at all.

I swallowed the replacement pill at past 9. Mom stayed in my room until past 1 in the morning. I told her that she might catch my virus but she insisted for a mother-son bonding. At 2, I was able to sleep, only to wake up an hour later feeling much better.

At half past four, I swallowed the second tablet while watching cartoons on Nickolodeon. The effects of the antibiotic were immediate. Within minutes, I was sweating and only the throbbing headache remained. Feeling comfortable with my condition, I turned off the TV to sleep. However, my slumber was interrupted by the stinging pain on my head. Between the brief waking moments, what I saw around me was the darkness of my room. However, this darkness was gradually overtaken by pale blue streaks of twilight peeking outside the window.

For the first time, I sensed that something good was coming.

Back to my sleep, I dreamed of a battle. My eyes were wide open and in front of me was a huge phantom that was fast approaching. I'm familiar with these dreams. Once, I saw visions of zombies in my sleep and they were able to capture me to present to their leader. Uttering the words "Jesus Christ" three times triggered a blinding light from a huge pine tree in front of us. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a slope. With new-found strength, I created yellow fiery crosses as a weapon towards the approaching darkness. I hurled them towards the entity and it began to dissipate. Meanwhile, I sensed around four unknown beings instructing me for a proper head position in Gangsta speak. I found out this morning that when proper pressure is applied on the throbbing part of the head, the pain disappears.

I cannot recall the other details of the dream. One may say that my mind must still be in a state of delirium for seeing those strange visions.

However, one truth sheds light to all those scenes.

Though half of my throat is still covered with pus, the phlegm, which almost choked me yesterday is almost gone. The head might still be suffering from pain but it is not as worse as it was last night. The fever remains but the body had found a way to go around it - at least I can produce my own sweat without the aid of Biogesic.

The battle in my dream must be a sign of something:

I might have already reached the turning point.

Combat Ready

The family doctor strongly recommends that I should take a complete bed rest today. She said that I might be suffering from severe exhaustion after hinting all the activities I had the previous week. Antibiotics is still out of the question, since the jitters and the fever only began yesterday. However, if the cold spell persists until tomorrow, there is a likely chance that a visit to the doctor would deem necessary.

She also asked to have my chest x-rayed. The culprit might turn out to be a respiratory ailment. With all the suggestions she mentioned, the only thing that comes to mind are the expenses. The medicines will upset my wallet and so is the doctor's fee. If only I could sleep this feeling of being unwell until Wednesday, waking up would never be of importance.

The gym activities will cease indefinitely. There is a possibility that my intense work-out last week worsened my condition. The price of impressing someone took its toll. Had I known I'd never be able to match his strength, I should have failed my program instead.

With my body and mind working at half its capacity, I showed up for work this afternoon. Filing an emergency sick leave is out of the question. With only two operators manning the accounts, absence would only create confusion.

The job performance itself is on the verge of a disaster. My response time is unbelievably slow, while incoherent words confuses my users. How can a mind work effectively when intermittent muscle pains and joint aches distract its focus? With a head swerving in different directions and a body feeling heavier than a whale, to lean one's back against an office chair while a blanket brought all the way from home wraps the body is the only solace I have.

It's half past six. Barely three hours more before the shift ends. I don't know if things would go smoothly until I leave the workplace. I don't care anymore. One thing is for sure. After taking this risk of going here despite my grave condition, even if the jitters don't return tonight,

I will take that badly needed rest the doctor had suggested and recover from this seemingly recurring sickness which have hounded me since gaining my freedom two months ago.

---

The cold spell returns.
I hope to skip the X-Ray part and just swallow whatever tablet I have to swallow.

Recession

It all begins with a drop in body temperature. The air suddenly turns cold and the body begins to shiver. It jerks like an engine on the verge of shutting off. To save strength, the body wraps itself in any warm piece of clothing. The jitters never stop, and one's breath scorches anything it touches. The skin freezes to its icy state and the body crumbles to conserve heat. With eyes half closed, and senses, delirious, time passes and the involuntary shaking ceases. The mind wakes up, only to find the body in searing heat. It untangles itself from the bundles of clothing it used to warm itself. Sweat is required but the glands never produces. Instead, the body suffers from hundreds of tiny imaginary meteoric bombardments - the muscles stirring from its precipitous state. The joints ache and little invisible cracks in the bones form. As the body attempts to move - to seek intervention from synthetic compounds that strike the malady in its heart, sweat dribbles from the skin. It forms tiny droplets of water that restores balance in ones broken organic machine.

A strange lull descends, making the body believe that the recession is over. Intermittent groans break the silence as the body adjusts from its fetal position. Except for a few barks that lurches the chest forward, a deep breath to catch some tepid air, a heavy head that must be leaned somewhere and an occasional yanking to push the phlegm that got stuck on the throat.

Everything appears normal.

Until the cold spell returns, and the body temperature drops again.

Abuso

In case you're wondering why total recovery is still far from sight, the reasons my dear are listed below.

---

Information Retrieved from Twitter Mobile:


November 11-15:44 yaya was right. clouds were heaving and theres an impending downpour. i didnt listen. now im wet. goodluck sa ubo

[arte mo kasi eh, pinapadala sayo yung malaking payong, sabi mo pasira sa get-up. patanggal pogi points. hayan tuloy, inabutan ka ng ulan sa quiapo. napilitan ka pang gumastos ng P50 pesos para sa isang pipitsuging payong.]

November 11-16:23 buti pa yung katabi ko sa fx mainit ang katawan. wag ka mahaharass pag ginitgit kita ha!

[umuulan sa labas, basa ang jacket mo, sobrang lamig ng aircon ng fx, nakakapang-init yung moreno guy na katabi mo. what do you expect, you take advantage of his presence.]

November 11-17:30 ohh the boy is actually a gay! ang init nya ha. sulit din yung isang oras naming magkapiling ha

[and what did you do after you've confirmed his sexuality at nalaman mong trip ka niya? nag-walk out sa megamall habang yung tao eh nag-eexpect na makikipag-trade ka ng number sa kanya. sama mo talaga.]

November 13-11:14 One day to go before day off. Problem is, I have classes. Therefore, it won't be a restday but a school day. Ugh.

[the price of juggling school and work. wala ka tuloy time para manlalaki or at least, matulog man lang buong araw sa bahay.]

November 13-13:04 shit buti na lang crushie ko yung nasa harap or else d ko kakayanin yung 110 lbs 5 reps military press ko.

[that was 110 lbs, 5 reps, four sets and 2 minutes rest in between sets. as for your crushie: 135 lbs, 3 reps, 16 sets, 45 second rest EDT. no wonder, humaling na humaling ka sa katawan pa lang niya.]

November 13-21:54 Sabagay, sino naman kasi ang tanga na 12 hours na walang kain, hayan badtrip ulit si Throatie sayo.

[at least you're now paying attention. you're not superman for christ's sake. ]

Isang Aral Mula Sa Pinuno

Soft is the heart that is hinged and emotion kills any attempt of reason to mount a defense. Lust can always be misread as love and in the prayers of hope and in the slumber of dreams, we are being mislead from the truth that everything is just a temporal consignment. We wait like a warrior without armor, wishing that the lost soul approaching will turn out to be a comrade and not a bogey.

Sadly, allies don't appear all the time.

We learn, after the dust had settled to never trade lust for an assurance of attraction. Intimacy may never grow from a field sown by an orgasmic need. Human nature can hide its icy face behind the warmth of affection and as its coldness numbs the skin,

it leaves the body to shiver, and wither and finally succumb to its arctic sleep.

---

[20:23] centurion: nahuli ka na siya sa weakness mo

[20:23] centurion: i mean.. nahuli na niya ang weakness mo

[20:24] mugen: honga no..

[20:24] centurion: tingin mo ba.. hindi niya alam na may tama ka sa kanya?

[20:24] centurion: at habang meron.. sinasamantala niya..

[20:24] mugen: ganon ba yun?

[20:25] centurion: sa isip niya.. " sex object lang to para sakin." since may tama sakin to... at magaling ka SOP... pwede na to

[20:25] centurion: nasasatisfy mo lang sexual needs niya

[20:26] centurion: nagawa ko na yan joms...

[20:26] centurion: remember yung kwento ko sayo na na inlove sakin na taga las pinas?

[20:26] centurion: he satisfied my sexual needs.. naging fubu ko siya..

[20:26] centurion: kahit alam kong may emotion siya para sakin..

[20:27] mugen: if that is the case

[20:27] centurion: 5 times kaming nag sex

[20:27] mugen: i should then stop

[20:27] mugen: everything.

[20:27] centurion: much better

[20:27] centurion: ayain mo muna ng LIVE SEX... pag kumagad.. victorious ka.. then.. dump him

---

Two months, fifteen days and counting. I will give it up to the one who truly deserves me.

Unless Darkstar intervenes

or Mugen gets deceived.

Disturbia

Ano kaya ang naging pakiramdam ni mama noong nakatunog siya na mayroong namamagitan sa aming dalawa ni Phanks?

Na-depress kaya siya kasi hindi ako straight?

Nalungkot kaya siya dahil iba ako sa maraming lalaki na kilala niya?

Na-disturb kaya siya kasi obvious naman na may nangyayari sa kwarto ko kapag nag-oovernight si ex?

How was she able to cope up with the truths? I have no idea.

But one thing is for sure, she tried to be as supportive as a mother could be in my relationship. Hindi man ako "out" sa pamilya pero lubusan niyang tinanggap ang aking buddy.

Sana sa susunod na darating ay ganun rin siya.

At sana ang susunod na darating ay hindi lang si Darkstar ang kasundo: Higit sana si Pulsar at si Mugen.

Napalaking pag-unawa ang inextend ng nanay ko sa aking naging relasyon noon...



[muni-muni]



Kung tama ang basa ko ngayon.

Kung obvious yung nabasa ko kanina.

Hindi man ako masaya sa aking nadiskubre subalit kailangan ko rin ibalik ang pabor, ang pagmamahal at pag-unawa na iginawad niya sa akin.

And for once, tanggapin ang maaring katotohanan

at intindihin ang magiging kasiyahan niya.

---

Faded pictures on the wall (It's like they talkin' to me)
Disconnectin' all your calls (The phone don't even ring)
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort (Ooh ooh)

- Rihanna, Disturbia

Little Miss Sunshine

Funny how the word sunshine evokes a sense of wonder to those who hears it. It captures scenes of quiet afternoons walking under a midday sun on a lonely stretch of road, or a quiet stroll on a secluded beach while cool soothing waves lap over one's feet. Of course, nobody likes walking under the blistering heat. My point is, sunshine will always stir a feeling of calmness in one's imagination. It offers a brief respite after a long and hard-fought struggle against the heart-drenching elements life throws at you.

I was lucky to stumble over some good movies on cable lately. One of these films is Little Miss Sunshine, which I have heard before but didn't pay attention to when it was shown on theaters last year. It is a road movie about a family's trip to a children's beauty pageant in California. The events that took place from the beginning of their journey in Albuquerque, New Mexico to their destination, and the pageant itself is the focus of the story.

The story begins with little Olive watching the Miss America Beauty Pageant in front of the TV. She is the 7-year old daughter of Sheryl and Richard Hoover who dreams of becoming a beauty queen someday. Sheryl juggles her two jobs to support the family, while also having to take care of Frank, her gay brother who is a Proust scholar and lives temporarily with the family after a failed suicide attempt. Richard aspires to become a motivational speaker and a life coach with his nine-step program that encourages people to cast away their loser attitude. With Dwayne, Sheryl's Nietzsche-reading teenager son from a previous marriage and Edwin, Richard's Heroin-addicted foul-mouthed father, one will get a picture of how dysfunctional the Hoovers are.

Olive discovers that she is qualified to compete for the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant which will be held in Redondo Beach, California in two days. With little money to spare and an untrained chubby prepubescent daughter to compete, the Hoovers have decided to go on an 800-mile road trip in their yellow Volkswagen T2 Microbus so Olive can follow her dreams.

Little Miss Sunshine explores the tensions that build up when a group of tight-knitted people travel together on an open road. It test their resolve to stay together, or leave someone behind so that the journey could go on and let those who continue reach their destination. The Hoovers had to face many struggles along the highway, and at stops they had to make. Most of them were heart-wrenching ones and at times it seemed one has to stay for Olive and the rest could proceed. The family decides that even if things get hopeless, no one is left behind. With a stroke of luck and a firm determination to end their journey, the Hoovers arrive at the hotel where the beauty pageant will take place - together - even if things have changed.

The film has many symbolisms and references to American Pop Culture. The aging Volkswagen T2 Microbus represents the Hoover family. It breaks down early on with its selection lever unable to shift to first and second gear. They resolve this problem by pushing the van until it is moving at about 20 mph before it is put into third gear, at which point they have to run up to the side door and jump in.

As the setbacks begin to mount on the Hoovers, the Volkswagen's mechanical failures become more and more severe. The gear stick was the first to break down, then it was the car horn that got stuck leaving the car honking as they make their final push to California. I guess what prevented the Microbus from totally breaking down is the Hoovers resolve to fix every family crisis that comes along the way. The analogy between the machine and the family is pretty clear.

The climax takes place at the beauty pageant. After a frantic race against the clock, the Hoovers arrive at the hotel a few minutes past the deadline. Unfortunately, the snooty pageant organizer would not allow Olive to register because she is late. Richard begs on his knees to let Olive compete but the organizer remains unmoved. Only the timed passing of a hired hand, who sees Richard's desperation swayed him to intervene and register Olive in the contest.

The pageant itself is a reflection of how Americans see beauty pageants in general. As Olive enters the dressing room, the camera pans to reveal her rivals: slim, hypersexualized pre-teen girls with teased hair and capped teeth. They wear lip gloss and puts on heavy make-up to make them look older. They artificially tan themselves using an airbrush to achieve a bronze skin.

The contestants were made to walk around the stage in their adult-like swimsuit. As the other pre-teens strutted with poise and grace(?), Olive walked so stiff, the contrast between the seasoned girls and her became clear. During the evening wear segment, the host crooned them with "God Bless America" while lustfully gazing at each contestant's not-so-innocent eyes. It basically sums up what the rest of America had become - a nation obsessed with cheap flicks while maintaining their patriotic leanings.

As the pageant draws to a close, each contestant perform for the talent portion. There is a black girl who sings a country song, complete with a white southern accent. Another one shows her gymnast skills by rolling around the stage while making it appear that she is dancing. Olive, who everyone thought would be humiliated after being perceived having lack of talent to present, scandalizes everyone with her burlesque dance routine that she joyfully performs on stage. Later did I find out that it was the dance steps she and her Grandpa Edwin were choreographing throughout the film.

Little Miss Sunshine is a feel good movie that has some dark underpinnings. Some scenes were quite disturbing, especially the body snatching and the scandalous talent performance where parents were completely grossed out by Olive's exotic dancing. Some scenes were completely hilarious, it makes you wonder if the directors intended to include it as a satire or an attempt to dispel the blackness which surround the film. Despite these disarrayed observations, there were two scenes that struck me most. First was Dwayne's accidental discovery that he was color blind, and thus will be disqualified to become a test pilot. It triggers a fit of rage that broke, not only his spirit but also his vow of silence which he exhibited during the first half of the film. His sudden break down also threatened Olive's chances of making it at the pageant on time. After every method has been attempted by the adults to keep him sane again, the only thing that changed his mind and led him back to his senses was Olive's sincere concern where she placed her head on Dwayne's shoulders without uttering a single word.

The other scene, which I think completely caps the film is when Dwayne and Frank talked about Proust.

Frank: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.

The long journey which the Hoovers made just to get to the beauty pageant were all, but full of sufferings. But these sufferings were also their redemption. Olive never won the contest. In fact, she can never join any beauty pageants in California after the scandal she and her family did. But in the end, it made her dysfunctional family look more functional than most families seen in the film.

The title of the movie is about a beauty contest but if you read the lines through, it is the word sunshine that makes us look forward to the brighter sides of life the film has generously shown.

Roadtrip

Malayo ang maaring lakbayin sa loob ng dalawang oras:

Eclipse-Puregold, Shaw
Blumentritt, San-Juan - Extreme
N. Domingo, Aurora
E. Rodriguez - Fahrenheit
Timog Avenue
Mother Ignacia
Quezon Avenue Circle
Kowloon House Kalayaan
Carlos P. Garcia - UP
Katipunan - Ateneo
C-5 Libis
Kalayaan, Global City
JP Rizal Makati
Pioneer, Pasig
Edsa, Makati-Pasay
Roxas Boulevard - Baywalk
Pedro Gil, Malate, J. Nakpil
Pedro Gil, Santa Ana
San Andres Bukid
Chino Roces, Inquirer
Buendia, KFC

Malayo pa sana ang ating mararating kung hindi tayo tinawag ng ating mga nanay upang pauwiin sa kanya-kanyang mga bahay. Bitin man ang roadtrip at kwentuhan, but I'm so happy that I've done it with a free spirit like you.

Congrats sa Regularization.

Hanggang sa ating muling paglalakbay.

---

No matter where my feet would bring me tonight, just to let you know, I still remember and I would always treasure the memory of our ride.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I need to let this off my chest or I might suddenly explode:

"When workplace becomes a place of dread, it makes you wonder if its worth staying at all."

Pray that I won't rise up. You don't want them to see me striking back.

---

6:29 pm: The followers of tranquility have won. Open confrontation would do me no good. Instead, I will just sweat this off at the gym later.

A Lesson In Humility

It was past midnight.

Coming from a drinking spree in Timog, I asked my companions if they could drop me off along Quezon Avenue. I was low on funds and I decided to ride a jeep instead of taking a cab going home.

We reached the corner of Quezon and Panay Avenue a few minutes later. Sober and restless, I was debating with myself whether to go home or spend the rest of the night elsewhere. After all, I've already used my gimik pass tonight. Might as well extend my happy hours until the sun rises reluctantly behind the clouds a few hours from now.

A verdict has been made, and I was, swinging in favor towards going to Malate.

As I was about to cross the street, a lady in her mid-twenties approached me. She was dressed to party - stiletto shoes, mini skirt and a blouse that revealed her neckline. She was mumbling something but I didn't understand it at first, so I replied:

"Huh?"

My tone sounded like I'm uninterested. Nevertheless, the lady repeated her invitation.

"Gimik tayo." She said smiling.

Dumbfounded, I smiled back and ignored her offer. After all, who am I to entertain her suggestion when even call boys never dared to make such spiel in front of me. Obviously embarrassed, she immediately cut her invitation by saying "joke lang" as I crossed the street. The lady had become the latest casualty of my snootiness these days.

The incident would have never registered as one of the highlights of my day had it not been for a twitter update where I used the word "tangina" to describe my meeting. Looking back, I realize that it was uncalled for. No amount of excuse can justify the use of such expletive when in fact, she's just doing her job - as a sex worker.

It so happened that she might have sensed that I'm quite drunk, and horny, and she thought that a booty call was what I needed. Too bad, she asked the wrong person. Not only do my preference lean strongly towards men, I doubt if I'd take the offer even if it was a hunky, moreno guy who approached me.

A few minutes before I met the lady, I allowed my alter-egos to decide on how to conclude this evening. As usual, Darkstar was looking for action, Mugen was bored and restless, while Pulsar was tired and exhausted and wanted to go home. Darkstar and Mugen would have won the vote. However, the guilt for using an expletive to describe the lady struck so deep, I decided to go home instead.

I cannot cover-up for my emptiness by being arrogant to others.

The time was past 1 in the morning when I began writing this entry. Remembering the chick resembling Cynthia Patag who approached me along Quezon Avenue, had I saw her with eyes that exalts dignity while blurring the trappings of bigotry, our chance encounter would have been so ordinary,

it doesn't need to be written at all.

Wind Down

It's been more than a day after the euphoria in Chicago had ended. Scenes of jubilation splashed all over TV screens that evening. A civil rights activist in the sixties was caught on camera shedding tears as the new leader spoke. In an interview a day later on CNN, he explained that he was crying for all the black people who gave up their lives for this day to become a reality. "It was the fulfillment of a preacher's dream," he said "Who would have thought America will have its first black president in our lifetime."

Around the world, people of all color celebrated. Kenya declared a national holiday while in Obama, Japan people drank sake and ate sushi to celebrate a town's namesake ascend to the world's most powerful presidency. Not even America's foes dared spoil Obama's victory knowing that the entire planet is watching the historic event. Change has arrived in the US and its ripples of hope are now leaving the warm waters of that nation as it head towards unfamiliar shores around the planet.

---

Like millions who listened to Obama's victory speech yesterday, my eyes welled up with tears as he spoke of optimism in a world beset by troubles. He was like a lone candle whose flames shone brightly amidst the pitch black darkness. His rousing and assuring words were like fire that burned inside men's hearts. It moves those who listened to believe that dreams are still possible to achieve.

"To all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright," the new president's voice boomed. "Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope."

And the world nodded in unison.

The tasks that lie ahead is daunting. A day after his victory speech in the windy city of Chicago, financial experts announced that the world is now in recession. Russia had its saber-rattling welcome to the new US leader after President Medvedev, in a state of the nation address to Russia, announced a missile re-deployment close to Poland. There is an ongoing squabble for energy resources and two wars to conclude. The threat of Global Warming puts the planet in peril and as long as millions of Americans don't have jobs, economic activity around the world will continue to decline.

Obama is now the president of the United States and the world is now coming to terms with the reality.

He has four years to fulfill the dreams of billions. It is my hope that he will not put his promises down.

---

When I arrive home tonight, things will be very different. CNN will not report about the developments in the US elections like it used to do several days ago. The thrill and excitement is over. Instead, it will return to regular programming reporting mundane and often trivial events happening across the world. Wars and crises will once again dominate the headlines, punctured occasionally by speeches of Obama. Sarah Palin will return to being the obscure and unknown governor of Alaska, while John McCain will spend the rest of his life being the maverick senator from Arizona.

Bush will be shunned forever in books and in the media.

And things will return back to being normal.

As for me, I will drop my political inclinations to focus my attention on pressing matters at home. The issue of recession is still unresolved, while the continuous push towards the heart of my citadel is preventing potential partners from bailing me out.

Looking back, it remains a great mystery why I took with great passion the elections in the US like my life depended on it.

History would be a good excuse,

Change is another.

But as I reflected deeper on the meaning of change, it rings a tune so melodic, it may actually move my life directly.

The ripples of change has left the shores of US yesterday after Obama was elected President. It travels from shore to shore, bringing goodwill and hope to those who embrace it.

They say change is contagious.

Who knows, after being awashed with a renewed sense of purpose; after being inspired by a young black senator from Illinois who moved mountains and cities on the other side of the globe to become his nation's new leader.

That change, which he uttered over and over from town to city; That change, which he sang in speeches with so much eloquence it moved people to tears; That change, which feeds people's desires to open their arms and embrace their dreams.

That change will eventually come to me.

The Dream Of A Generation

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

---

Martin Luther King Jr.
I Have A Dream,
Lincoln Memorial, Washington DC
August 28, 1963

And The World Is Watching

Arriving home at past six thirty in the evening, I went up the stairs to go directly to my room. Tonight is the big day and the world is watching. Finally, the United States will have its new president and the fate of the world will be changed forever once its new leader has been elected.

As it stands now, history is in the making. The world's most powerful nation is at its turning point. If the black candidate becomes the president, all those years when minorities struggled, suppressed and discriminated will finally earn their voice. Their defeats will be vindicated and those who once believed that only the white man can rule will be forever shunned in books. This is the reason why I am watching - and the world seems to be doing the same thing.

Suddenly, change finds a universal appeal.

Turning on the television, I immediately switched to CNN to catch the news. It's 9 am in the other side of the planet and the polls had just opened a few hours earlier. Funny how this event made me closer there than where my feet stands right now. Perhaps, somewhere inside my consciousness, I know that no matter how my patriotic spirit tells me to ignore the things that are happening there, it will affect me in ways I could never comprehend.

Will an Obama victory be of service to the world?

The answer is Yes.

On my way home this evening, I made a brief stop at 7-Eleven to buy some essentials - junk foods. Passing by the magazine rack, I noticed Newsweek Magazine's front page cover. It reads "The Global Election: Why the World sees McCain-Obama more clearly than Americans do." The story is tempting to read and I could access the magazine's website when I arrive home. As I cross the street after paying for what I bought, an idea came to me; that Newsweek issue is too hot to be left in the cold and I would need a memento, a trinket that would remind me that I am part of history when the US election is over.

And I was right all along.

From Kenya to Indonesia; to Germany, Japan and even China the world's eyes are paying attention to America. Everyone seems so sick of Bush - and the Republicans - that they placed all their hopes to that young and charismatic black senator from Illinois and the promises he made in his rousing speeches. For the first time in my generation, the world implicitly acknowledge the possible emergence of a leader who will change how everyone perceives the planet's lone superpower. Even America's foes - Iran, Venezuela and Al Qaeda seems silent these days. Are they also closely monitoring the events in the US?

Who knows and it doesn't matter.

Only one thing is for sure.

If Obama really brings change to Washington; if he holds true to his words about the environment; if he promises to lift the middle class from their burdens; if he commits to progress not only in the way the United States is governed but also how it conducts its affairs around the globe; if he embraces the spirit of multilateralism in solving the world's problems; if he extends his responsibilities not only to the people who voted him in office, but also to those billions whose dreams he carried along the way,

Then perhaps, America won't need to rub its superiority to other countries; they have already given their mandate.

I have always suspected that the current global economic crisis have its roots in the fears that the Republicans will once again control Washington:

That change will never happen.

In the next twelve hours, the world will learn of America's fate.

My only hope is that at this very moment, more people living there had finally been awakened to the truth that they will not only elect a president of one nation, that president will also take leadership of the world in the next four years.

This is the true spirit of Globalization.

---

"The world loved the idea that a man named Barack Hussein Obama could become America's 44th president after a 200-year string of white guys named Washington and Jefferson, Clinton and Bush. Asia was trying to claim Obama for his Indonesian childhood, Africa for his Kenyan father, and the Middle East for his middle name, says Ahmed Benchemsi, who edits both of Morocco's leading newsweeklies, one in French, one in Arabic."

- Stryker McGuire
Newsweek Magazine