Order In The House

A great debate raged in the House of Jomania for several weeks. The issue at hand was simple, but its effects will create disturbing ripples and painful lessons in the years to come.

It's been more than a month since the family received its share of profits from the Sikyu Agency. You see, the house draws more than three-fourths of its financial resources from the enterprise to conduct its day to day affairs. Rumors are flying that the business is in really bad shape. Speculations also persist that we are being hoodwinked by our business partners. Suffice to say, the trouble at home is more urgent and the idea of resorting to espionage to reveal the truth might further upset the delicate state of our lifeline.

Besides, we can't do anything to overturn the fate of the agency.

Unless we find dedicated creditors who can bail us out.

Following my ways of non-violence, I suggested that we should shift our attention from the Sikyu Business to the more pressing matters at home. Bills are piling up while the sources of income are dwindling. With my own credit obligations to pay and my sister still evading the idea of having a job, some perks must be relinquished for the house to thrive.

---

I was thinking of ditching the gym so I could spare a thousand pesos and several hundred bucks for the money-generating effort. However, it dawned to me that the iron plates feed my will to keep in shape. I still have some markets to maintain, which may prove useful when the situation at home gets worse. I thought of switching to a more affordable gym but its nearness to my workplace and the muscle-building program that I already keep became the deciding factor whether to let go of Eclipse or not.

For my own well-being, I resolved to keep the gym a little longer.

---

The next order of business was to change our cable provider from Sky to Destiny. The shift was easier said that done for we have been with Skycable for more than a decade. From the early years of MTV to the rise of Lifestyle Network and Animax, it was Skycable which opened my eyes to the world. Now that we are being confronted by the same world to adapt to new ways of living, parting is a sweet sorrow.

I was on the verge of signing up with Destiny in the name of survival. However, when my mother expressed her personal reservations, I had to take her thoughts into consideration.

"Meron ba diyan nung EWTN Channel?" She asked me the first time I brought up the idea.

"Ano yun?"

"Yung Catholic Channel na madalas mo naabutan na pinapanood ko kapag inuumaga ka ng uwi?"

"Ah yung may misa sa TV? Na minsan kumakanta-kanta ka pa?"

"Oo."

"Meron yata Ma." I confidently answered.

"Eh yung DZMM Teleradyo, yung pampatulog ko?" She inquired further.

"Ah... ehh..."

I know that the news channels of ABS-CBN are exclusive to Skycable. And I know that my mother keeps her inner peace by tuning her attention to that AM radio station late at night. After studying the strengths and weaknesses of the two cable providers, I learned that Skycable knows how to address its customers' concerns better than its distant rival.

Besides, I won't pay another two thousand pesos for a connection fee.

So a decision has been made a few days ago. Recognizing the contributions of Skycable to my cosmopolitan upbringing and the hidden pleasures my mother is getting from watching her favorite shows when everybody is sleeping, I chose to remain with our cable provider despite the hefty bills I have to pay every month.

"Let me confirm Sir Mugen, you are requesting for a cable downgrade from Gold to Silver, is that correct sir?"

"Yes."

"Alright, please hold on for a few minutes while I process our new arrangement."

Five channels has been taken away from my subscription.

One of them was Discovery Channel.

---

Still, the cost cutting measures weren't enough.

Aside from the regular blood-letting for the laptop computer that has never been mine, I still have eleven months to go before my new mobile phone's payment will be paid in full. Without the utol to support the household needs, my salary is insufficient to keep us from sinking.

Knowing that the greatest thorn in my budget is the postpaid Globe line, and realizing that I can do without my digital connections to the people around me, the final verdict has been accepted and will take effect at once.

Three thousand pesos will be slashed from my monthly bills.

After four years of enjoying a postpaid service, the line will be deactivated before the week ends.

After Eden (Finale)

VIII.

The retreat was like me standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking a vast plain on a sunny, cloudless late afternoon. The sun marches beyond the horizon, while the darkness trudges the hills behind me. It was a refreshing sight, only to lose its beauty long before one can truly appreciate it.

Beauty. How I wish my eyes could always see it surrounding me.

Many were invited, but few have chosen to show up and be graced by the hope of renewal. Blessed I was for I choose to come, because for an entire day I learned that love overpowers everything.

Even hatred.

Even pain.

So there I was sitting on my chair while listening to the preacher in front. His name was Bo Sanchez and for the first few hours of the retreat, I never knew who he was. Only his name, which my aunt kept raving during family reunions was my only knowledge of him. He was a pretty cheerful guy who knew how to sway crowds. His charisma overpowered even the stone-hearted ones - including me, for the message he delivered wasn't the usual stuffs preached during homilies. It was a clear message of hope that at the end of the day, everything has a reason and that reason will always be something good for us.

Unless we see things in a different light.

Families gathered to hear his good news. One lady, a seventy-year old spinster pondered about her life now that she's approaching her twilight years. With no family to support, she took in her arm the responsibility of bringing up her nieces until they grew old enough to support themselves. "I'm very tired," she confided to the group during the sharing. "I want to sell my house, leave my younger brother's family behind and settle in the province to take care of my older brother."

I would love to ask this matriarch who would take care of her, but her revelations left me befuddled of her fate.

"But his good-for-nothing son will be another cross to bear."

A lady about my age worried about her new-found commitment. Like me, she came from a bad break-up last year with her five year old relationship. Just when she and her ex were about to get engaged, she realized the mistake of their union. "It was a completely waste of time," the pretty lady said. "I pray that this new one is very different from the one I had." Her new boyfriend was with her, in another group, probably sharing his concerns about his new-found love as well.

IX.

The day wore on and as Bo Sanchez spoke more about love, following one's bliss, and acknowledging personal callings, I found myself being reconnected to the source once again. For the past several weeks, I ceased going to my sanctuary in Katipunan to attend to my inner ramblings without the aid of a higher presence. Reverting back to my natural instinct to stand alone in the face of adversary, I became tougher. It was pure survival instinct guiding me.

But this tough side had its loophole that when left unchecked, leaves me too focused on one issue and I tend to ignore the rest. To escape was my breather and the reckless abandon I did at BED for two straight nights was a classic example of its vents.

The things I bear left me weary and it showed during the special prayer session later that night.

X.

We were shepherded back at the conference hall after dinner. There was a make-shift altar in front, where a red cloth spilled and flowed to the ground.

The organizers handed out little prayer booklets before the session started. "Brothers and sisters, write your dreams and hopes in that booklet and we will place all of them on the cloth which symbolizes God's deep love for us," Bo Sanchez explained. "Keep it with you so you will never lose track of the happiness you wish to gain."

Had the booklet been asked to be filled out earlier, I would probably hesitate. I wasn't ready to let go yet. But I knew that all the sharing and all the reflection and all the inspirational talk we had the whole day would come to this. Even Bro showed his strongest encouragement to be more open when he took away another burden from me before sundown. Through a forwarded text message from mom, the Sikyu Firm informed us that our profit shares were deposited to our accounts. Doubting the validity of the news, I even called my bank just to confirm if such amount was added to my balance.

The bank agent said yes .

Lights were switched off to let the candles illuminate the hall. Lyrics came out of the projector screen so we could follow it and sing on top of our voices. While those beside me knew these songs of worship by heart, I was there merely as a saling ket-ket. Lip synching would be a great idea to show my participation, but instead of doing something silly, I just let the songs bring me to my knees until my eyes welled up while recalling the shittiness I left behind.

"Brothers and sisters, offer your troubles to God so He can guide you towards the path you want to take."

I can't take it anymore. Rarely do I shed tears over heartaches and since they were already trickling, better show to everyone my signs of weakness.

We knelt as we approach the red cloth to leave our prayer booklets there to be blessed. Brief images of friends, colleagues and family became random flashes in my head which I brought with me as we neared the climax of the retreat.

"To those families out here, huddle together and tell them how much they are loved." Everyone who came with their families began to assemble in small groups, I would have stayed in my seat except that I was reminded of a relative on the other side of the hall.

She was alone in her chair while families around her hugged one another.

"Hindi ka nag-iisa." I hugged her tight. My cousin, who rarely spoke to me leaned her head on my shoulders. "I wish that you will succeed in your business so that you will never have to work in another country."

She's a registered nurse who can go abroad anytime she wants.

I went back to my seat a few minutes later only to press my face against my activity folder. As the people around continued singing worship songs and Bo Sanchez reminding everyone to share the love we have gained, the walls which held me back finally gave in.

I started crying.

The first I had in years.

---

Epilogue:

Umiyak ako hindi dahil sa mga problemang dala dala ko, kundi sa overwhelming openness na aking naramdaman habang binabasbasan kami ng retreat master. Paulit ulit na naglalaro sa aking isip kung bakit yung random na pagngiti at pag-thumbs up ni Bo Sanchez matapos ang kanyang unang talk ay nag-iwan ng matinding impression sa akin.

Yun bang, naramdaman ko na hindi lang siya ang nag-welcome nang mga oras na iyon...

Matapos ang prayer service, niyakap ko ang lahat ng mga naka-sharing ko buong araw. Naroon si Lola na napansin ang biglang paggaan ng kalooban ko. Naroon rin yung bagong couple na binigyan ko ng well-wishes sa kanilang pag-iibigan at naroon si roomate, na kahit hindi ko masyadong nakadikit ay tila ba nag-enjoy ng husto sa aming retreat.

Natulog akong basketball shorts lang ang suot. Balewala na kahit makita pa ni roomate ang katawan ko. Tutal, ang pangangarir ay tuluyang nawala na sa aking agenda.

*

Bumigat ako ng mahigit dalawang pounds matapos ang walang sawang kain tuwing breaktime sa retreat.

Apat na araw akong lumiban sa trabaho, kaya't stress nang ako ay bumalik rito.

Nabawasan ang horde na dinadala ni utol sa bahay. Madalas ay isang lalaki na lang ang kasama nito. Marami pa rin akong resentment sa kanyang tila pagwawalang bahala sa aming sitwasyong pinansyal.

Ang aking half-brother, dumudura pa rin ng dugo.

At marami pa ang mga dagok na padating. Di ko rin tiyak kung talaga bang may natutunan ako sa retreat na aking dinayo o wala.

Subalit kanina, pagkatapos ang ritwal na pagbubuhat ng bakal, nagkaroon ng panibago at hindi planadong activity sa routine ko.

*

Taimtim na nakikinig si Mama sa homily ng pari nang mapansin niyang may isang binata ang nakaupo sa pew malapit sa kinalalagyan ng kanyang wheelchair. Nais niyang lumingon dito ngunit ramdam mo ang kanyang pagkabahala. Inalis niya ang lock ng kanyang inuupuan upang pagulungin ito palayo sa binata. Ang binata naman ay lumakad papalapit na tila ba sinusundan ang naka wheel chair.

Nang medyo bakas na ang takot sa mukha ng aking nanay. Lumapit ang binata. Niyakap nito ng mahigpit ang nakaupo sa wheelchair.

"Hey ma, its me. I know you will be here kaya sinundan kita. Happy Easter."

After Eden (First Part)

I.

They kept telling me that everything had a reason and that my presence there had a purpose. It was meant from the very start and what was needed from me was a clear mind and an open heart.

A few weeks back, my aunt told me that utol backed out from their planned retreat. Since it was already paid, she asked if I could go on leave from work to take my sister's place. Fearing that a decline may lead to a fall-out of favor, I said yes to her invitation. I could just tell my superiors that I have to go on-leave to focus on my thesis. They would not dare question my two-day absence.

II.

Things were not doing well at home a few days before the retreat. The Sikyu has not yet deposited our salaries to our bank accounts, mom was not feeling well, our finances were dwindling, and my sister turned the house into a refugee camp. Last month, I ranted at how she stayed elsewhere leaving me to look after our mom. To avoid getting bad rep for spending the night in the streets, (don't ask me why) she brought her comrades along, which ironically, consumed everything in sight.

For five days, we were forced to feed several more mouths during breakfast and dinner; added several bars of bath soap in the bathroom and the kitchen so they won't use ours for their hygiene needs; and cleaned their mess when they leave late in the morning. They were freeloaders beyond understanding and the sad part was, mom turned a blind eye on everything.

Last Tuesday, my fuse ran out. I found out that some loser guy used my facial scrub to clean his acne-infested face. That kid could have seen hell had he stayed longer that morning.

III.

Tuesday afternoon was a living hell. There were so many errands to do and no sister to take away some burdens. I had to juggle my sideline, the packing of things for the retreat the following day, my mom's grading sheet which I had to encode to beat the deadline and a planned visit to a friend's mother who was confined at a provincial hospital later that evening. I was so busy with so many things that I had to inform my aunt I would arrive home at past midnight.

Drained, I was in no mood to share my burdens at the retreat. I thought the whole activity was a waste of my time. With my mind muddled, a heart hating, and a tomorrow that is uncertain not even the unplanned chill-out in Tagaytay that night lifted my sagging spirit. At the back of my head, I was thinking of Crayola Boy and how our one night stand last year gave me an hour's amnesia. I did arrive at my aunt's place at past midnight and after listening to a male cousin unburden his artistic repressions at 2 in the morning, I resigned to bed with one thing in mind.

To look for a karir at the retreat.

---

-tobecontinued-

Isang Bonggang Bonggang Walk Trip

All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking

- Friedrich Nietzche


5:10

in the battleground of happiness i am losing the fight. i wonder what can turn things around.
about 16 hours ago from mobile web

there, the fix has corrected my gloomy leanings. another sleepless day to live. good morning everyone!
about 15 hours ago from mobile web

Sa asar dahil hindi makatulog, tinigil ko ang paglalaro ng Colonization 2 sa PC upang maligo. Papaumaga na at dahil nais kong masaksihan ang bukang liwayway, umalis ako ng bahay bago mag alas-singko ng umaga.

Matulin ang takbo ng jeep na aking nasakyan at madilim pa nang ako ay makarating sa Katipunan. Ang sariwang hangin na galing sa bulubundukin ng Sierra Madre ay nag-iwan ng matamis na alaala ng mga natuyong dahon na dumikit sa aking ilong. Ang amoy na ito ay nagbigay sigla sa akin. Solo ko ang buong simbahan dahil wala pa sa sampu ang mga tao sa loob. Karamihan sa kanila ay may mga edad na. Lahat ay puro babae at mukhang ako lang ang nag-iisang lalaki.

Nagsimula ako sa pagbi-Bible reading at ito ay natuloy sa pagdarasal ng Rosaryo. Marami ang kailangang ipagpasalamat sa mga araw na nagdaan. Iwas man sa pag-attend ng misa ay inabot rin ako nito. Alas-sais na kasi. Tuloy ay napilitan akong tapusin ang buong church service bago natapos ang huling misteryo sa aking pagrorosary.

Umalis ako ng Katipunan na mataas na sikat ng araw at may gaan ng kalooban matapos ang mahabang pagtigil doon.

Habang nasa LRT pauwi ng bahay, nagdesisyon akong samahan na lang ang aking kapatid sa kanyang job interview.

squeezing my bulk frame between several college kids remind me of how fun being a student is. is it possible to rewind my life to the days.. about 14 hours ago from mobile web

when techno is in, university mall is still the source of the best audio cds and counter strike is still the online game cool boys play?
about 14 hours ago from mobile web


9:10

off to glaxo smith kline to accompany my sister for her job interview. to find her a job involves direct intervention.
about 14 hours ago from mobile web

have this feeling na may pagkanarcisa ako. cant turn away my eyes from this lean moreno guy who has a set of droopy eyes like me.
about 13 hours ago from mobile web

Laking gulat ni utol nang biglang nagpakita ako sa bahay na bihis at handa na para sa kanyang lakad "Anong ginagawa mo dito?" Una niyang bungad sa akin. "Sasamahan kita." Kaagad lumiwanag ang kanyang mukha.

Mabuti na lang at sinamahan ko nga si utol, sapagkat naituro ko rin sa kanya ang terminal ng mga van na maghahatid ng pasahero mula Balic-Balic hanggang Ayala. Tanda ko, ito rin ang mga sinasakyan noong job-hunting days ko. Walang paltos yun, basta sumapit ang Lunes ay kasabay ako ng mga nag-oopisina papuntang Makati. Masuwerte ang kapatid ko dahil hindi na niya kailangan lakarin ang buong Ayala para magsubmit ng resume sa iba't ibang opisina. Marami na kasi kaming kakilala.

Subalit at the same time, pakiramdam ko ay nawala rin sa kanya ang humbling experience na pinagdaanan ko makahanap lang ng papasukang trabaho.

makapasok dito utol ko. pwede na ako mag may i retire. haha.
about 13 hours ago from mobile web

can the jomanian diplomatic corps pull some strings to favor my sister's entry to the vacant position?
about 12 hours ago from mobile web


11:05

when they said its 1 km, its 1km. this is hakken twitting under the scorching sun live at the batasan.
about 11 hours ago from mobile web

id pretend i'm not rubbing thighs with two plu guys inside the bus. puyat lang to kaya iba basa ko.
about 10 hours ago from mobile web

"Sobrang laki ng Glaxo-Smith Kline!" Ito ang bulalas ko matapos payagang makapasok sa gate ng compound. Nagkalat ang iba't ibang kotse nakaparada sa parking lot, at ang mga empleyado na mukhang mamahalin ang kasuotan ay tila ba mga anak ng Diyos na pumapasok sa trabaho. Sa mga oras na kasama ko si utol ay hinangad ko ang kanyang pagkatanggap sa kumpanyang kanyang inaapplyan. Deadma na kung doble ang kanyang suweldo sa kinikita ko. Ang mahalaga ay pareho kaming may trabaho.

Hindi rin ako nagtagal at nang makapag-settle si utol sa reception area ay kaagad rin akong umalis.

Experience tells na mas mabuting marami kang options sa paghahanap ng trabaho. Nangako si Zoey na ipapasok niya si utol sa gobyerno sakaling makakapasa ito ng civil service. Kaso mo ay hindi pa ito kumukuha ng test kaya't dinayo ko pa ang punong tanggapan ng ahensya upang alamin kung kailan ang schedule ng exams.

Halos isang oras rin ang inabot ng biyahe mula Magallanes hanggang Batasan sa Quezon City

"Mga 1km mula rito, yun. Magtricycle ka na lang" Ang sabi sa akin ng security guard ng COA. Ang problema ay wala na akong pera at masyadong mahaba ang pila ng ATM ng Landbank upang isipin pa ang sitwasyon ko. Kahit matindi ang sikat ng araw at tuloy tuloy ang bagsak ng butil ng pawis sa aking nililibag na katawan ay nilakad ko ang pagkahaba-haba at tila walang katapusang palibot ng Batasan Hills. Kay ganda sana mag jogging dun sapagkat overlooking nito ang Marikina. Subalit sa mga oras na iyon ay parang nililitson ang buong katawan ko sa init.

Sa wakas ay nakarating rin ako sa Civil Service. Sa gate, ang sabi ng security guard sa akin ay sa July na ang next examinations. Gaganapin iyon sa Banawe, Welcome Rotonda na di hamak na mas malapit sa amin. Pagod, walang tulog at walang kain, nagpasya akong magtricycle pabalik ng Litex Commonwealth.

i take back what i said. this is just a figment of my imagination. pareho kasi er type eh. kaya ganda pagpantasyahan.
about 10 hours ago from mobile web

@blakrabit erase yun idol. masyadong pretentious yun on my part. ibababa ko na kompidens level ko. hehe.
about 9 hours ago from mobile web


1:30

gusto kong maiyak. yung sales rep sa globe eh inenter yung buong bill ko for the month. excess ng 2500 ang gastos ko for the payday.
about 9 hours ago from mobile web

feel ko na tuloy magdepress-depressan. buti na lang bumili ako ng shades kaya may dagdag angas points na ako. 20 hours nako gising hehe.
about 8 hours ago from mobile web

Matapos ang isang kahangalang paglalakad sa ilalim ng tirik na tirik na araw sa Batasan ay bumalik ako ng Ortigas para sa last leg ng aking mga lakad. Balak kong bumili ng stainless steel grab rails na ikakabit sa mga banyo namin sa bahay para hindi na mahirapan si mama sa tuwing may expedition siya ritong mag-isa.

Plano ko sanang itulog sa bus ang biyahe mula Litex hanggang Megamall. Subalit sa isang nakakapraning na twist of fate, napatabi ako sa isang binata na madali kong nakagaanan ng kalooban. Mukha siyang isang trabahador, batak ang katawan at bakas ang matatabang litid sa kanyang braso, maputi ang balat nito at hindi nalalayo sa akin ang edad. Mula na rin sa mga naunang karanasan sa ganitong eksena ay alam kong may mga meaning ang pagdikit-dikit ng bahagi ng kanyang katawan sa akin. Hindi man mag-krus ang aming mga mata ay alam kong kumportable siya sa ganun naming sitwasyon.

Hinangad ko sana magpaka-close, subalit alam kong wala namang patutunguhan ang aking mga kilos. Trip ko man siya, ngunit hindi ko naman balak na tapusin ang aming landian sa isang tahimik na lugar. Tense man ang aming sitwasyon ay pinilit kong itulog na lang ang libog na kasalukuyang kong nararamdaman.

Success.

Ngunit nang kami ay nakalampas ng Cubao ay bigla akong naalimpungatan. Paano kasi ay gumigitgit sa aking binti ang lalaking nakaupo sa aking kanan. Kapareho ng aking nasa kaliwa, ay halatang banat rin ang kanyang katawan sa trabaho. Moreno ito, kalbo at kahit mas matanda siya sa aming dalawa ng aking unang kalandian ay maappeal pa rin ang kanyang bruskong pangangatawan.

"Shit ultimate trip, dalawang ER ang nasa tabi ko!" Pangising paalala ko sa sarili habang nagtwi-twitter.

Nagfocus ako sa pangigitgit sa aking nasa kanan sapagkat busy si kaliwa sa pagtetext kung kanino. Si kanan pati ay sulyap ng sulyap ang tingin sa aking direksyon kaya't mas halata ang kanyang pagpaparamdam na ginagawa sa akin. Ganun man ang aming porma ay pilit kong kinakabig ang dikta ng aking nanginginig na laman. Una kasi ay puro assumptions lang ang mga kinikilos ng dalawa. Pangalawa ay afford man ng aking gwapo card ang kanilang standards subalit kung hindi rin lang ako gagalaw upang kunin ang loob ng dalawa ay balewala ang kiskisan ng aming mga binti.

Bumaba kami pareho-pareho sa Ortigas. Ang lalaki na nakaupo sa aking kanan ay kasabay kong umakyat hanggang sa ikaapat na palapag ng Robinson's Galleria.

just an afterthought regarding the incident earlier, if a guy finds you repulsive he will not deliberately rub a part of his body against... about 7 hours ago from mobile web

yours. if you attempt body contact, he will withdraw from you. kaso mo walang ganun. yung isa 5 sec pa makatingin. must be something. about 7 hours ago from mobile web

---

Epilogue
2:30

Nabili ko sa MC Home Depot ang mga grab rails salamat sa suggestion ni Wandering Polar Bear. Matapos ang higit labing limang oras na walang laman ang tiyan ay inubos ko sa McDonalds ang pera kong P200 para sa pagkain. Spaghetti, Large Coke, Chicken McNuggets, French Fries ang aking inorder. Pasira man ang mga ito sa diet subalit kailangan ng aking sikmura ang something na mabigat.

Umuwi akong hapo, bugbog ang katawan at pati na rin ang bulsa. Paano kasi ay nagkamali ng pindot ang Sales Rep ng Globe at sa halip na bayaran lang ang P1500 sa aking bill ay sinagad niya ito sa halos apat na libo. Sakali mang wala akong ipon ay tiyak gagapang ako hanggang kinsenas ng buwan.

Dumating ako sa bahay pasado alas-singko ng hapon. Wala ni isa man lang ang nakaalam ng aking mga pinagdaanan sa buong araw.

After Me, The Deluge

"At least malaya ka na kapag wala na ako..."

When will my dear mother learn that there is no life after her passing; that I only wagered my human existence long enough to see her enjoying a comfortable life? I don't really care about my future; I don't even have dreams to pick up like a ripe fruit hanging from a tree. I live in the present, and if there are some things I look forward for tomorrow, those things are still within the time frame of her earthly presence.

I understand that she is just tired, exhausted and frustrated with the things happening to her. She complains of endless body pains, of regular medical check-ups and long-list of prescribed medicines she have to buy for her roster of illnesses. She worries about the growing debts of our Sikyu Business and my sister's resistance to do something about her bummed bliss. Mother has indeed grown old, for the last time I heard such pessimist remarks were from my grandparents when they were at the twilight of their age. Passing is imminent that I have already accepted, and no matter how I think about what lies beyond, the only thing I see is an end.

An end which I am ready to take whether I'd be called or not.

Today I declare an emergency Jomanian Holiday. I will leave the house in the morning to have my weekly spiritual fix (and pray for my sister and a couple of friends who will exercise their resolve to find a means of living this week) out there in the ridge, then go to the most extensive hardware store to buy those stainless steel safety rails for our bathrooms (because mom tells me that she cannot lift herself anymore) and spend the rest of the day having a mother-son bonding at home.

Hopefully it would cast away the gloom that has been a fixture in the house lately.

---

Last New Year, my sister and I had a bonding with my cousins over several bottles of beer. We talked about the lives we have and how we look forward to strengthening our blood ties as we grow older. When we talked about our mothers, (because our moms are siblings) many of them expressed uncomfortably at how their mothers take control or sometimes manipulate their adult lives. (and they are torn apart between living elsewhere and staying with the family only because they want to get out of their influence and try their luck being on their own) Me and my sister could not say a thing. We could not understand their grievances for we have already learned to put our lives in-sync with our mom's.

Now that I think about it, we would be left most vulnerable and destructive when she moves on.


*après moi, le déluge

remark attributed to Louis XV of France; used in reference to the impending end of a functioning French monarchy and predicting the French Revolution.

Slice Of Heaven

The Noche Buena
(Ang cake sa inyong kanan ay naubos within 15 seconds
Ang nasa kaliwa ay nauwi ko pa ngayong gabi sa bahay.)

Presents from Santa Claus
(Akala ko Clinique Happy, titili sana ako. Lol.
My first high-end perfume.)

Lunch at my aunt's new house in Laguna
(For some reasons, this photo really strikes me. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa bundok,
sa makulimlim na ulap o dahil sa garden lamp na ito)

---

As mom would say after complaining that the priest's homily sounds boring and uninspired during the mass this morning, "It is not the trivial things that really matter. What is important is that we are able to experience this day as a family, and that we should be grateful that blessings and harmony continue to pour to each and every one of us."

Contrary to impressions of opulence, we celebrate Christmas with more emphasis on bonds, selflessness and love and remembrance toward our kin.

Twenty seven years and counting, may the family tradition pass on to the ones who will come after us.

A Visit From The Afterlife

Our Christian belief tells us that there is life after death. Jesus Christ, as he was nearing his death in the crucifix assures one of the dying thieves who believe him that he will next open his eyes in Paradise. Other enlightened men would describe the afterlife as a garden of perpetual delights. It is a place where hatred and pain do not exist and time wounds itself to a complete stop. It is a place strolled by saints and angels and where joy and happiness never ends. No wonder, every living soul on earth is enticed to seek heaven's promise of eternal life.

Though I follow the way of the cross, I do not believe in the thought of heaven or hell. For me, they are merely abstract ideas put in place by men of religion to keep the people of all ages and creed hoping and dreaming of a better life beyond. Mom, in her infinite love would like us to stay together even in the afterlife. I would love to embrace her ideas, but at the back of my head, I would always wonder what good there is in a life without pain and struggle. What value there is in a soul that would stagnate in the passing of eternity.

For these reasons, I tend to embrace the eastern thought of afterlife. I would like to believe that a body is a mere vessel where the soul resides. In its countless cycle of rebirth across time, it learns, it matures and then at the end of its journey it blends with the source in what the sages call Nirvana. The thought of having a chance to atone for my mistakes comfort me. If only such path truly exist, then I would never fear death at all.

In all my life's searching, I find evidences that I might be an old soul on its way to a higher journey. That old voice speaks through Pulsar when I direct myself towards unearthly goals. However, I am aware that concepts are mere concepts. Reincarnation, heaven and soul might just be human ideas. Until I reach the end of my time, I will never know the truth about existence. It is these thoughts that keep me searching for my life's meaning.

However, there are signs that point towards the other direction. The afterlife might be an endless garden after all. Like I said in my other mustard seed entries, life is full of mysteries and no matter how we try to unravel them, new mysteries come up and will keep us wondering the metaphysical aspects of existence.

Take for example what happened last week. Dad appeared once again in my sleep. I have always known that my dearly departed loved ones pay me a visit in my dreams. It happened so many times before that I do not find their presence spooky anymore. However, it still bothers me when they visit - especially my father, who I believe should be on his journey by now.

The details of the dream are now blurry. All I remember is that we were cordial when we saw each other. We were talking about this certain newspaper that he manages. You see, he was a writer and a newspaper publisher all his life. After reading Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I envisioned my father's idea of heaven being a huge newsroom where he is the chief editor. If there is a grain of truth in Albom's thoughts, then perhaps, dad must be a publisher in the afterlife.

Anyway he said that he doesn't follow the news - like he used to when he was still alive. While telling his new preoccupations, I was turning the pages of the tabloid, that apparently he owns. What is unusual about this tabloid is that the masthead (the box where the list of staff members and editors of the newspaper are put) includes so many people. I think I even told dad that "andami mo namang tao, ngayon lang napuno ito ah!" before I was stirred from my sleep.

Like all dreams about him, I would have ignored this appearance for one reason: I do not know of any occasion where he would wish to be remembered. The last time I had a striking dream about him happened a week before his second death anniversary. It was where we finally settled our differences and found peace in the afterlife. Despite his regular visits to me, he never makes his presence felt to my mom or my sister in their sleep. Mom would say that maybe dad is still guilty of the things he did to her when he was still alive. I do not know. What I am sure of is that he passed away with dignity and love from the family he almost turned his back from.

It's been four years since he departed life and I still wonder why he remains in the realm of the living. Is there a possibility that his continued presence only proves that souls do not travel from one body to the next like what the eastern thought believes? Is it possible that his presence in our lives still has purpose since he left us with so many unfinished business that we need to fix ourselves?

Sometimes it is difficult to dive into metaphysical ramblings for I am left with so many questions that I cannot answer myself.

However, what separates this dream about my dad from the others I had before is that I was not the only one who saw his apparition that morning. A revelation by a house help while eating my lunch left a cold chill so intense, it made the strands of my hair point upwards for quite sometime:

---

Alam mo, napanaginipan ko yung papa mo kanina. Dumating daw siya tapos nagpapahanda ng ulam sa akin. Natandaan ko yung mukha niya kasi sa mga pictures sa sala. Hayun, niluto ko siya ng Tuyo at Sinangag. Sabi niya sa akin dun na lang daw siya kakain sa kwarto mo.

The Dominus Offensive

It was around 7 last night when Throatie's condition had turned from bad to worse. Last Monday, mom's physician discovered that the cause of my high body temperature since Saturday was a runaway Tonsillitis. She said that it covered the left side of my throat. It was a complete surprise for I thought that the antibiotics which I used to tame Throatie last month would still have its effects. I was dead wrong. The physician prescribed an antibiotic and despite being bedridden yesterday, I was hopeful that the drug would take effect.

However, something was wrong. I noticed that my throat had become more swollen and the temperature never dropped from its all-time high despite my persistent gobbling of paracetamol. The left side of my head was a head-splitting agony. It throbs and when it does, I moaned in pain.

I went downstairs to ask my mom who was watching Dyosa to check the condition of my throat. With a pen light in one hand, she aimed the pen inside my mouth. Her eyes were in shock. Not only were the entire left side of my throat covered with pus, the infection had already spread on the right side as well.

Panic ensued.

Calling my aunt who is a doctor for recommendation, she immediately ordered a change of antibiotics. Fortunately it was my mom who called because my aunt was furiously mad at me. You see, I was told not to go to work on Sunday. However, I love my job so much that I never listened. As a result, I was hours away from a hospital confinement and everyone's lives got disrupted because I was too careless to look after my own health.

I returned to my room because the temperature was again giving me the chills. The struggle to spare myself from being admitted is already over. As my mother and my aunt were mulling over the options on what to do with me, I was inside the sheets groaning and thinking if there's a way to lift myself from my sunken state.

Then I remembered Dominus.

Struggling to focus, I began praying the rosary using my fingers for beads. I was seeking solace from the Virgin, knowing that my head will roll when my aunt sees me the following day. Its been two months since I stopped praying regularly and much as I find it awkward to seek grace again, I thought that it was the least thing I could do.

I knew that serendipity connects my malady at present from the illness of my past. Two months after ex and I became a couple, I was admitted to the hospital for five days because of the same Throat Infection. Almost two months after winning back my freedom, here I am going back to where I was five years ago.

I guess I have achieved a full circle.

Another thing that is strange about this infection is that it is not just the ailment of the body, it felt like a corruption of the soul.

For the past few days, I was having a hard time getting sleep. It might be due to my headache, but I also sensed that something dark and hateful hovered above me. I cannot describe its form, except that it is a shadow. It speaks in my dreams but its words I could not remember.

Looking back, I've been quite cold, cruel and snooty to people this past few months. I get easily annoyed and I had turned vengeful to some. There is a possibility that in my arrogance, something was able to corrupt me. This thought, lead me to go back to my spiritual roots. After all, nothing is lost and people have been so kind to check on my condition even if some of them don't know me at all.

I swallowed the replacement pill at past 9. Mom stayed in my room until past 1 in the morning. I told her that she might catch my virus but she insisted for a mother-son bonding. At 2, I was able to sleep, only to wake up an hour later feeling much better.

At half past four, I swallowed the second tablet while watching cartoons on Nickolodeon. The effects of the antibiotic were immediate. Within minutes, I was sweating and only the throbbing headache remained. Feeling comfortable with my condition, I turned off the TV to sleep. However, my slumber was interrupted by the stinging pain on my head. Between the brief waking moments, what I saw around me was the darkness of my room. However, this darkness was gradually overtaken by pale blue streaks of twilight peeking outside the window.

For the first time, I sensed that something good was coming.

Back to my sleep, I dreamed of a battle. My eyes were wide open and in front of me was a huge phantom that was fast approaching. I'm familiar with these dreams. Once, I saw visions of zombies in my sleep and they were able to capture me to present to their leader. Uttering the words "Jesus Christ" three times triggered a blinding light from a huge pine tree in front of us. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a slope. With new-found strength, I created yellow fiery crosses as a weapon towards the approaching darkness. I hurled them towards the entity and it began to dissipate. Meanwhile, I sensed around four unknown beings instructing me for a proper head position in Gangsta speak. I found out this morning that when proper pressure is applied on the throbbing part of the head, the pain disappears.

I cannot recall the other details of the dream. One may say that my mind must still be in a state of delirium for seeing those strange visions.

However, one truth sheds light to all those scenes.

Though half of my throat is still covered with pus, the phlegm, which almost choked me yesterday is almost gone. The head might still be suffering from pain but it is not as worse as it was last night. The fever remains but the body had found a way to go around it - at least I can produce my own sweat without the aid of Biogesic.

The battle in my dream must be a sign of something:

I might have already reached the turning point.

Disturbia

Ano kaya ang naging pakiramdam ni mama noong nakatunog siya na mayroong namamagitan sa aming dalawa ni Phanks?

Na-depress kaya siya kasi hindi ako straight?

Nalungkot kaya siya dahil iba ako sa maraming lalaki na kilala niya?

Na-disturb kaya siya kasi obvious naman na may nangyayari sa kwarto ko kapag nag-oovernight si ex?

How was she able to cope up with the truths? I have no idea.

But one thing is for sure, she tried to be as supportive as a mother could be in my relationship. Hindi man ako "out" sa pamilya pero lubusan niyang tinanggap ang aking buddy.

Sana sa susunod na darating ay ganun rin siya.

At sana ang susunod na darating ay hindi lang si Darkstar ang kasundo: Higit sana si Pulsar at si Mugen.

Napalaking pag-unawa ang inextend ng nanay ko sa aking naging relasyon noon...



[muni-muni]



Kung tama ang basa ko ngayon.

Kung obvious yung nabasa ko kanina.

Hindi man ako masaya sa aking nadiskubre subalit kailangan ko rin ibalik ang pabor, ang pagmamahal at pag-unawa na iginawad niya sa akin.

And for once, tanggapin ang maaring katotohanan

at intindihin ang magiging kasiyahan niya.

---

Faded pictures on the wall (It's like they talkin' to me)
Disconnectin' all your calls (The phone don't even ring)
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort (Ooh ooh)

- Rihanna, Disturbia

Invasive Maneuver

She woke up yesterday morning scared at the possible results of her Colonoscopy test which she will undergo that afternoon.

"Makakatulog kaya ako pag sinedate ako kuya? Masakit kaya kapag may pinapasok na tube sa loob ng pwet mo?" My sister had asked persistently the previous nights after she found out her invasive test.

"Basta the best part dun eh yung last five seconds bago ka ma-sedate. High na high talaga ang pakiramdam mo!" I assured her repeatedly. Having undergone a minor pus draining operation before, I knew what it feels like to be drugged to sleep.

---

I woke up yesterday slightly feeling better knowing that I don't have to go to work that afternoon.

Since I would accompany my sister at her medical exam, I filed a leave of absence several days ago. The supervisor immediately approved my request form since there isn't a lot of messages to attend to these past few weeks at work. Knowing that I really needed a break from my very tight schedule, I decided to use the extra day off to do my other errands such as paying for my credit card bill and talking to a Philamlife representative about my insurance and hospital benefits.

You see, a trip to the hospital never fails to remind me of my own mortality.

We arrived at PGH two hours before noontime. My aunt who is a surgeon and is a consultant in that hospital accompanied us to the Gastroenterologist's clinic somewhere within the main building. As we passed corridors and wards with hospital beds filled with sick people, I could not help but think of my own illness. Fortunately, I feel much better now thanks to the very expensive antibiotic that my aunt had prescribed to me last week. However, despite my feelings of improvement, my spirit is still down. I think its the one that needs healing. To see sick people hoping and wishing for their own immediate recovery made my heart feel gloomy. There is too much anxiety pervading in the air - perhaps my own sister's worries is whats making me sick.

The Gastroenterologist's clinic was a small, cramp room that was lined with stretchers for those patients that were sedated after undergoing a Colonoscopy exam. As mentioned in an earlier entry, Colonoscopy is an endoscopic examination used to check patients for possible lesions, polyps or tumors inside the Large Intestines. A flexible tube with a fiber optic camera is inserted inside the anus. Only through such invasive passage will the doctors be able to check the patient's condition.

While waiting for my sister's turn to be examined, a patient - a thin man in his late forties was brought out of the diagnosis room. He was unconscious and his exposed grinning teeth must have shown the marks of pain (or pleasure) of being penetrated by an object inside his ass. His stretcher was a few meters away from where I was seated but still, I could hear tiny bubbles popping from his butt. The unpleasant smell of tae permeates in the air. No wonder, the nurse attendant who wearing a face mask placed his stretcher far away from the people as possible.

Before my sister had undergone her Colonoscopy test, the doctor told her to follow a series of preparation that will spare her from a very smelly loose bowel after-effects like what had happened to the other patient. She had to stop eating meals, snacks or any soluble food that will take form of a solid matter for one whole day. She also had to cleanse her digestive organs with laxative, sodium water and other forms of liquid. The whole morning before her exam, signs of stress and crankiness had already shown on her face. Since my mother understood what my sister was going through, she told me to exercise extreme patience to her. After all, she had never eaten anything so it was normal for her to be short tempered.

---

The Colonoscopy exam took 30 minutes to finish. Aside from the Gastroenterologist who was doing the invasive maneuver, my aunt also stayed by her side watching the digital screen on the wall as it showed the progress of how deep the cable had made inside my sister's Large Intestines.

The result was already available even before she had awaken. The findings were pretty normal, pointing out that what she have is a minor case of hemorrhoid, an almoranas. Her fears of possibly having a Colon Cancer was unfounded. A few hours after her exams and she was discharged and was back at home. That same evening, she was able to continue her personal calling which is to incite the students of a prestigious university to fight for her tibak cause.

As for me, I was able to do my errands after accompanying her at the hospital. I even went to the gym to continue my routine after I stopped working out for four days due to my worsening condition. She thanked me for the company and for a moment, peace and commonality reigned between us. It was a rare sight knowing that we clashed all the time because of our different views in life.

I thought that the heaviness I felt the previous days was because of my sister's condition. In fact, I felt much better after things turned out normal for her. However, my assumptions were wrong. I am still spooked by my imaginary illness. I still feel gloomy, weak, anxious and extremely disturbed before going to sleep last night and when I woke up this afternoon.

Therefore, I made up my mind.

Even if it's pretty silly to believe in things such as usog or intervention of unseen beings, I decided nevertheless to seek a mangtatawas for advice. Her initial findings tell that something or someone must have disturbed me.

Placing all my hopes that this might be the answer that I'm looking for, she will perform a tawas reading for me this evening.

Spiritual Ammunition

My mom asked me to accompany her at Christ the King Church last weekend. It was Fr. Jerry Orbos' birthday and being personally invited to his thanksgiving mass, she invited her sister - my aunt, who had just recovered from a very serious illness that disabled her for almost six months.

Since I do not have any itineraries that day (except to continue my reading for the final paper, whose progress is already delayed for almost a week), I granted my mom's request knowing that no one would assist her or push her wheelchair going to the church.

However, I gave her one condition. The moment she and my aunt settles in one of the pews, I would have to leave the building to continue my reading elsewhere.

Because I don't attend the mass, especially the homily part which often bored me.

With a slight expression of disappointment, she accepted my condition. This is the only way she could bring me to church.

But many years ago, when I was just a little boy, I was not like this. Before, I was even a religious kid who prayed the rosary everyday. However, the moment I discovered how to masturbate, I began to feel awkward with my situation. This vulnerability lead me to distance myself from my very-Christian beginnings.

One fateful afternoon at the Santa Clara Church, my mom asked me to go the priest to have a confession. I was in high school then and studying at a secular school weakened my faith tremendously. My mom said that since I had my last confession during elementary, perhaps it would be best for me to have another one. I was hesitant then because of my state of faith. But nevertheless she forced me to. After all, my understanding then was that the priest might help me recover my faith once again.

The confession was supposed to be my spiritual reinforcement. But instead of getting enlightened and absolved after talking to the priest, he shattered what remains of my belief. He accused me of many things that I never did, up to the point that methinks I am doomed to eternal damnation already.

I forgot what sins I confessed to that wretched priest. But after that tragic experience, I never spoke to any priest again. I became very weary of their presence and during the times I went to the mass, I would always get critical of their homilies. As for the tragic confession incident, it lead to a crisis of faith that was only partially resolved after I entered the Royal Pontifical University of the country. Nevertheless, my spiritual belief was already altered by the time I regained my faith. I remained a Roman Catholic, but my views significantly differs from those who share the same affiliation with me.

Now back at the present - at the Christ the King where my mom and her sister were waiting for Fr. Orbos to officiate the mass. I entered the building to inform my mom that the birthday cake she requested me to buy at Red Ribbon for the celebrant has been delivered to his office. As the church choir sings the opening hymn, I was at the center aisle beside the pulpit where my mom and her sister were seated. Their thoughts and hearts were focused to the mass and since I felt extremely awkward that I was the only one who was not paying attention to what was happening, I asked my mom if I could already leave.

She asked me to stay. She told me "Sabi ng ninang mo, dito ka na lang daw sa amin."

I didn't buy her excuse. She thought that my aunt who used to have a sharp tongue (before she had the illness) could still intimidate me, just like when I was still young.

I was about to leave when I heard Fr. Orbos' opening message to the flock; "Be very thankful to the Lord for being here in celebrating the Eucharist. We should always be very appreciative of still being alive..." I saw my aunt and her son close to tears.

---

These past few days, I spent most of the time in G4M in the philosophical and spiritual forum debating about religion and spirituality. I think for those who regularly posted in those threads, my presence tipped off the scale in their never-ending debates about morality. For the first time in the forum's recent history, someone openly assisted a "satanist" who was solely defending his "beliefs" against his detractors - who were mostly Christian Fundamentalist that openly preached the Bible while openly practicing their homosexual inclinations.

What's more shocking is that the "satanist's" ally admitted to everyone that he is indeed Roman Catholic.

In religious debates alone, I could always pin down a Bible-based preacher by simply stating that "God can never be entirely found in a book." For me, the best way to get closer to the Almighty is by doing acts of kindness towards others and appreciating little things, most of us could never see anymore. Thanks to the prevailing trends and pop-culture, our minds are fixed at looking for grander and more spectacular "miracles," which in most cases are merely fabricated.

Sad to say, but many faithful tend to depend the bulk of their faith in an object or some certain religious figure for religious reinforcement. They tend to forget the simple truth that God is everywhere - in the millions of stars at night, in the breathtaking sunsets that we enjoy in the afternoon, in random acts of kindness being given to us by strangers and by knowing that all our loved ones have arrived home safe at night.

But you know what, I realized last weekend that despite how remarkably liberating my spiritual beliefs are, I too needed some spiritual ammunition from time to time. Knowing that very few believers shares my foundation, there is a very big possibility that I might get lost in my own spiritual journey.

In fact, there are times I really get lost. When I am alone and contemplating about the universe, I still ask myself where my faith in God really lies.

And so, being confronted by my little "crisis of faith." I resort to humility for answers - or at least comfort to my own questioning. I know that arrogance and deception will never get me anywhere so in times like this, like everyone else, I look up to the religious mainstream for guidance.

That Sunday, my mom succeeded in convincing me to stay. Despite the awkwardness I felt the whole time, I did hear the mass just to be with the rest of my loved ones.

Speculations

Should I sound the alarm, or remain still and watch carefully my sister's developing activities?

A few weeks ago, I arrived home late. Instinctively, I asked my mom if everyone's home. She told me that my sister is still out, having a night out with her friends in Malate. I thought my mom meant that she was with her tibak friends. But lo and behold, I found out later that morning that she was with a girl-friend who is a former editor-in-chief of a college newspaper in her university.

Coincidentally, this friend of hers is my classmate in the masters. She is a chubby girl with a shoulder-length hair. Her dark-skin, maton posturing and silent demeanor had caught my fancy lately. We are not close, except for one time when I asked her for a stick of Marlboro. But I swear, whenever I observe her activities, my lesbian radar is acting up on her.

Knowing how more tuned my radar is in detecting lesbians, I might be in for something.

Anyway, after several weeks of hiatus, my sister suddenly became active in her "underground" movement again. This would have caused friction between us. However, since I gave my word to my mother that I won't fight over my sister's "unscrupulous activities," I did my best to calm myself last night after she told us that she would sleep over her group's place.

We saw each other again this afternoon. She was eating her late lunch after coming home from a rally in Mendiola. As I was picking bits and pieces of Tocino on her plate, she told me that she would not stay long. It turns out, she promised a friend that she will accompany her in watching a silent film in Greenbelt this evening.

"At saan ka naman kukuha ng pera pampanood ng sine?" I demanded her.

Such insignificant inquiry could have triggered a round of heated argument between us, if she did not explain well her intentions of watching a film.

"Libre ako ng friend ko." She answered calmly. "Lagi nga akong nililibre nun at hinahatid pauwi kapag lumalabas kami eh."

Guess who is this friend she's referring to?

Yes, it's her friend who is also my classmate in the masters; The one who I sensed to be a closeted lesbian in class.

The moment my sister revealed who her company is, I immediately felt relieved and happy that she is going out with someone aside from her tibak friends. Her tibak friends, who only knows how to shout "ibagsak ang kapitalismo!" while still patronizing products such as Starbucks and McDonalds is what me and my mom actively encourage my sister to avoid.

"Nagpromise na ako sa kanya eh, isa pa, social capital ko rin yun," she further explained while fixing herself in front of the wall mirror. "Social capital? Ano yun?" I asked myself mumbling.

I don't know how close they are as friends to convince my classmate to edit her thesis once it is finished. My sister even boast that her friend wrote an apology letter for a professor, which she apparently offended during her classroom-to-classroom "propaganda dissemination" last Monday.

Much as I would like to maliciously speculate about her friend's real intention, I consciously avoid reading things between the lines in order not to make a controversy out of it. My sudden interests in my sister's personal activities, might simply be an excuse for justifying my own sexual preference which is not yet sanctioned at home.

Knowing that my sister never had a boyfriend before might also be a good reason for my speculation. I do not know why her love life remained constantly zero for the last twenty years of her life and I don't really care either. However, if and ever she is open to the idea of trying it with someone "not her opposite," then it would surely forge a much closer relationship between us siblings.

As for my sister's friend, (who I presume to be "dating" her already kasi naman laging nililibre ang utol ko) despite appearing too butchy for my taste, her credentials as a professional is simply too much to ignore. She is far more accomplished than me and my buddy combined and she seems to appear gentle with a firm and disciplined personality hiding inside her big frame. She might inspire my sister to come into the light and embrace the smell of sheer normality of living a non-militant existence if her gamble would pay off.

And as for me, I guess now that I have analyzed the situation, it would be good if I would stay quiet about it. In fact, I should actively encourage my sister to see this girl so long as she would take her home after they go out.

If not for my fear that my classmate would blow my cover, I would actively try to reach out to her since she's giving more concern and attention to my sister than I do. But the semester is almost over and we've barely talked to each other at all.

Maybe in another time.

For me and my sister, this must be our fate.

If it does, then I guess we have to make the most out of it.

---

Me: Nagpaalam ka na ba kay mama na aalis ka?

Sister: Kaya ko nga pina-disconnect yang internet mo para tumawag sa kanya.

Me: Okey, siguraduhin mong ihahatid ka dito sa bahay ha. (Patuluyin mo na rin para ma-meet ni Mama)

Sister: Sige. Alis na ako kuya.

Me: Ingat... (Have fun.)

Kwentong Aso't Pusa

Habang naglalakad ako papauwi ng bahay noon Lunes, isang matining na iyak ng kuting ang nagpahinto sa akin ng paglakad.

Sa isang puno malapit sa compound kung saan ako nakatira, natagpuan ko ang isang kulay gray-striped na kuting na sadyang iniwan doon. "Sino kaya yung siraulong nagligaw nito dito?" tanong ko sa aking sarili.

Kung titingnan, malinis naman yung kuting - ito ay walang muta, pulgas o anumang galis sa kanyang balat. Marahil mga one-month pa lang ito mula noong pinanganak. Dahil matagal na akong naghahanap ng pusang ma-aalalagaan, kaagad ko itong kinuha at sinakbit sa aking bag. Dedma na kung ano ang isipin ng mga taong, sa mga oras na yun ay nakakapansin na sa aking ginagawa.

Pagdating sa bahay, agad kong inutusan ang kasambahay na maghanap ng karton na magiging pansamantalang tahanan ng bagong kuting. Lagi kasing issue sa amin na kapag nag-alaga kami ng pusa ay magiging problema lang namin ang pagtae nito.

Wala pang isang minuto ng dalhin ko ang kuting sa bahay ay kaagad na itong pinagkaguluhan ng aming aso. Palibhasa'y sinanay namin si Tootsie na maging mabait sa kuting kaya naman ngayon, lahat ng kuting na hindi natatakot sa kanya ay kaagad niyang inaampon bilang anak. Noong una, ramdam pa sa bagong dating (na pusa) ang takot habang inaamoy amoy siya ng aso. Ngunit nang ang aso ay nagsimula ng dumila-dila at linis-linisin ang pwet ng pusa (sa hindi namin malamang dahilan), nagkasundo rin sila nito wala pa ang isang oras.

Mahigpit kong ipinagbilin sa bahay na kahit ano man ang mangyari, walang magpapalabas sa bagong kuting. Nadala na kasi ako noong nasagasaan yung dapat na aampunin naming kuting na si Krystala. Nabadtrip rin kami nang minsang nilabas yung kuting na bagong ampon ng aming aso ngunit ito ay hindi na bumalik (noong una ay pinaghinalaan pa naming kinain ito ng aso.)

Ngunit ang kuting na ampon ko ay sadyang eskandalosa. Anuman ang gawin namin, ito'y hindi tumitigil sa pag-iyak at maaring sa paghahanap nito sa kanyang nanay-pusa. Ang mga iyak na iyon ang siyang nagpalabas sa pusang-bantay namin na si Bakekang (ang nanay ni Krystala), na bagong panganak rin lang noong isang buwan. Sa kasamaang palad, nabadtrip dito ang aming kapitbahay at ang kabayaran nito ay pagliligaw sa kanyang mag-iina sa kabilang dako ng highway.


Isang umaga, natagpuan na lang ng kapitbahay (na siya ring nagligaw sa mag-iinang pusa) na muling nakatambay itong si Bakekang sa tabi ng kanilang pintuan - kahit niligaw pa nila ito sa malayo. Dahil dito ay napag-pasyahang hayaan na lang ang pusa tutal, nakakaawa rin naman ang lagay nito.

Anyway balik sa kwento, ang pag-iyak ng kuting ang siyang umakit dito kay Bakekang upang imbestigahan ang nangyayaring kaguluhan. Sa pag-aasam ko na baka magkasundo ang dalawa, ibinaba ko ang umiiyak na kuting sa papalapit na pusa. Kaunting amuyan, ang kuting ay hindi pumalag. Palibhasa'y uhaw sa pag-aaruga ng anak itong si Bakekang kaya't walang niha-niho, kinagat niya ang kuting sa leeg at iika-ikang itinakbo sa ilalim ng sasakyan ng kapitbahay.

Malaman-laman namin makaraan ang sampung minuto, inampon na pala ni Bakekang ang kuting na dinala ko.

Sa ngayon, hinahayaan naming pumasok ng bahay si Bakekang upang magpasuso nung bago naming kuting. Kasabay nito, madalas rin namin nilalapit ang kuting sa aso sapagkat hindi lamang niya ito dinidilaan ang balahibo, kundi pati dumi nito ay siya rin ang naglilinis.

At ang kuting na dinala ko?

Hayun, wala pa ring pangalan at pagkaraan ng ilang araw ay naging spoiled brat na. Paano dalawa kasi ang ina.

Hindi ko man alam kung ano ang maaring kahinatnan nitong kwentong ito, ngunit sa unang pagkakataon, napatunayan ko sa aking sarili na ang isang inahin na nawalan ng inakay - maging ito man ay isang hayop, ay may kakayahang mag-ampon at magmahal ng isang inakay, hindi man niya ito tunay na anak.

Faith, Hope, Love (Act Four)

Echoes From The Hearth

Minsan sa aking kabataan, naranasan ko rin makapaglaro ng Nintendo Family Computer, Sega at Super-NES. Hindi naging kaiba sa akin si Super Mario at ang kanyang kagila-gilalas na paglalakbay mula World I hanggang World 8 sa Super Mario 3 upang iligtas si Princess Toadstool kay Koopa. Nasubukan kong gamitin ang codes na up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right B - A upang maging bionic yung mga sundalo sa Contra at marating mo yung final boss na alien pala ng hindi namamatay. Nahilo rin ako kakahabol sa bughaw na bola na si Sonic the Hedgehog dahil tuwing umaga, sa halip na pagkain ang pagtuunan namin ng pansin eh, pagkuha ng mga rings ang pinagkakaabalahan namin ng pinsan ko sa harap ng TV.

Hindi pa natatapos ang lahat doon...

Minsan rin sa aking kabataan, natutunan kong maglangoy sa swimming pool dahil pinag-aral ako ng aking ninang kasabay ng kanyang anak (na aking pinsan). Natuto rin akong mag-tennis (at nakalibre pa ako ng mamahaling raketa) dahil sinabay rin ako ng aking ninang noong nag-aral ng tennis ang kanyang anak sa La Salle. Sa murang edad ko na sampung taon, nakahawak at nakagamit na ako ng educational software sa computer sapagkat nang nag-aral ang aking pinsan ng Basic Computer Learning, pati ako sinali. Tanda ko pa noon, mahigpit ang rules na huwag hahawakan yung exposed na film sa tiyan ng malapad na floppy diskette dahil masisira ito. Noong mga panahong ring iyon, nakaka-hypnotize pa yung pag bukas-patay ng ilaw sa floppy drive upang malaman kung nagbabasa ba ang computer mo o hindi.

Ito ang ilan sa mga bagay na kusa na lang bumalik sa aking alaala habang mataimtim kong pinagmamasdan ang kwarto ng pinsan ko. Ang computer technician naman na abala sa kanyang pagrereformat ng computer ng aking ninang ay walang kamuwang-muwang sa reminiscing na aking ginagawa. Ang bawat bagay na aking makita ay tila may mga kwentong maari nitong ibahagi: Sa tabi ng bintana ay nakakalat ang Nintendo 64 ng aking pinsan. Hindi ko man ito nalaro, ngunit alam kong ito ang evolution noong Family Computer na hindi ko tinantanan noon. Sa tabi naman nito ay ang lumang Super NES na nababalutan ng makapal na alikabok. Isang beses, nilagnat ako sa bisperas ng paglalayag namin patungong Corregidor. Sa halip na iuwi ako sa aking bahay para makapagpahinga, hinayaan lang akong maglaro ng computer noong kinagabihan. Pagdating ng umaga, wala na ang lagnat ko.

Sa ibabaw naman ng bookcase na puno ng makakapal na libro sa medisina ay nakadisplay ang mga Lego, na noong kabataan namin ay mahigpit pang inihahabilin na huwag ikakalat sapagkat baka malunon ng mga bata kong pinsan ang mga maliliit na bahagi nito. Ngayon ay isa na siyang eroplano at sa pagkakalagay niya sa kanyang pwesto, halatang dekada na ang binibilang mula ng huling ginalaw ito.

Ang katahimikan ng paligid ay nakakapanindig balahibo. Palibhasa'y malayo sa kabihasnan at nasa sentro ng isang malaking subdivision sa Paranaque ang bahay ng ninang ko, kaya naman tanging tahol lang ng mga aso at panaka-nakang talakan ng mga katulong sa labas ng bahay ang maririnig mo.

Ang ninang ko, na nagpasyang lumipat ng kwarto upang huwag kami maabala sa pagrereformat ay kasalukuyang natutulog.

Sa mga oras na iyon, tanging ang alingawngaw ng aming kabataan ang siyang bumibingi sa akin. Minsan lang kami naging mga bata, at sa mga sandaling napapaalala sa akin kung gaano kabilis ang panahon, tanging mga buntung-hininga lamang ang siyang nagbibigay lakas sa akin, upang huwag masyadong manghinayang sa mga pagsasamahang nasayang.

Ngayong kaming magpipinsan ay may mga kanya-kanya nang buhay, tila ang bahay na iyon, na naging tahanan ko at ng iba ko pang mga pinsan sa loob ng maraming taon ay parang isang inabandonang ina - na tanging alaala lang ng mga panahong nagdaan ang nagpapasaya.

Ilang sandali pa, tuluyan na kaming magkakaroon ng sari-sariling pamilya. Maaring sa mga panahong iyon, kahit mismo ang mga masasayang alaala ng aming kabataan at matibay na pagsasamahan ng aming mga nanay ay makalimutan na namin.

Kaya bago ko pa makalimutan lumingon at magbigay-pugay sa aking pinanggalingan, inunahan ko na ang tadhana at ako na mismo ang nagparamdam ng aking pasasalamat - hindi lamang sa bahay, kundi sa may-ari nito.

---

Ninang: Magkano ba ang magagastos sa pagpareformat?

Joms: Mura lang po, mga P500 lang po.

Ninang: Ganun ba? Sandali kukuha lang ako ng P500 sa bag ko...

Joms: Huwag na po, ako na ang bahala.

Ninang: Sigurado ka?

Joms: Opo, huwag na kayong mag-alala Ninang.

Ninang: (Smiling), Bah may pera na ang pamangkin ko.

---

Mahigit isang dekada siyang nag-invest sa akin, kahit ako lamang ay kanyang pamangkin at inaanak. Marapat naman na ngayong ako'y nakakatayo na sa pamamagitan ng aking pera, siya naman ang mag-enjoy sa mga ipinaramdam at ipinaranas niya sa akin.

Sapagkat kung hindi dahil sa kanyang malawak na impluwensya sa aking buhay, hindi ako ganito kalawak mag-isip ngayon.

May Day Eve

Roy, my bestfriend texted me yesterday. He complained that I didn't tell him that I have a "kabetsung." I immediately asked him what "kabetsung" was he talking about. He said it was about the "opismeyt" he's been hearing from people.

Apparently, word about P-man had spread in my barkada. I don't know who read my blog but that guy read it wrong. First, P-man is not a "kabit" at all. I suspect that he isn't even capable of displaying emotions of attachments. In fact, I was so close to flushing him out of my life, after he appeared distant and aloof after our second "face-off." Being the shy and proud guy that I've always been, I never asked him if there's a problem why he avoids me. I just assumed that probably he got tired of me and it's time to move on, or people at the floor are already sensing that there is something between us, so he had to be more discreet in his approach to me.

Fortunately, after sending him a 5-peso pasa-load yesterday, he sent me an SMS message asking me how I'm doing. It lead to a very brief but pleasant text exchange about his activities lately that made my afternoon a little more thrilling.

Obviously, I still miss him when he doesn't make his presence felt. Nevertheless, whatever attachments or feelings I have for him, remains contained in order to not complicate things between us. In fact, harboring these feelings makes me appear that I'm on the vulnerable edge. I'd rather have him as a friend and not as a kabit, like what some Odders are spreading lately.

Nevertheless, I should be wary of attachments. Whenever he ignores or avoids me, I can't help but try to get closer to him.

---

My richest aunt will undergo a very expensive treatment procedure this month. It means that she will not be able to support her sisters who relies for financial assistance in the coming weeks.

Fortunately, my mom had always been independent of her. However, my mom and aunt's youngest sister whose son is studying in Benilde will have to stand on her own to support her family of four. To help them relieve their budget concerns, I volunteered to give up a portion of my salary to help my cousin (their eldest) who is reviewing for the board exams. I'd be supporting her boarding expense. I might also tap my network of HR friends to help her dad look for a better income-generating job to support them.

I forsee that the months ahead will be very difficult for the entire family. With my sister still in the process of completing her thesis, (after spending the last months of her last semester doing her tibak activities) and the rest of my cousins still to graduate next year, being the only working next generation member makes me feel that I'm already pushed against the wall.

For a very long time, I relied on my aunt in case something happens that is beyond my control. Now that she's afflicted with something that is beyond our control, there is a sudden reversal of roles, which hopefully in the end will make me and the entire family stronger.

---

Lastly, its been a year since someone brought me in a five-star hotel. He was a dance partner at Government when I decided to return to that club after a long absence. After our very intimate and close-contact dance moves, I bid him goodbye, but he prevented me from leaving. He asked me to stay with him in his suite. Since nobody had ever asked me before, I agreed to keep him company. What resulted after was a year-long attachment to that moment when I was hugging him while the sky outside the window was turning black to indigo.

It's been also a year since I joined a cause at G4M. For strange reasons, miracles do happen on that sleazy cruise site. The elders there decided to have an outreach program for abandoned physically deformed children at an orphanage in Tayuman. Believing in the power of the Pink Peso, they posted numerous threads in the forum in order to invite the members to contribute diapers and powdered milk that they will distribute to the kids.

The activity was very successful. For the whole month of May, G4M apparently became holier than the months before and after it. I even sense that the number of sex parties dramatically decreased that May. And even though I don't know anyone from the organizers, I am proud that I've been a part of it. I wonder if someone would organize an outreach activity this year.

I hope they do.

Because like all other PLUs who participated in that event, I felt that my existence became more meaningful after it.

Dynasties (Last Part)

Because in every clan, there are families that belong to the dominant order, and there are those that are merely subservient ones.

I consider ours belonging to the subservient ones. Even if we do have the power to rise up against the order, our gratitude towards the dominant and our vital position in the chain of influence would prevent us from doing so.

- The Jomanian Doctrine: Politics of Families

---

Last friday, I had a merienda date with my aunt at Pancake House in CCP. That same day, the elections in my sister's university was ongoing and the tension between families were already at its height. My mom, who bought my argument that we should never confront her sister sent pleading text messages to my cousin instead in order to diffuse the tension. Mom told her that she should not take things personally. After all, its just campus politics. She should always bear in mind that my sister is her blood relative. Blood will be always thicker than water.

Same thing is true with me. Taking advantage of my closeness to my aunt, I went all the way to treat her at Pancake House, at my expense to assure her that as a family, we will never take sides. Our desire is for the preservation of the family and like her, we hope that the conflict will end after the elections. It turns out she shares my sentiments.

---

A week before their elections, my sister expressed her sentiments to my mom about my treatment of her. She said that she gets hurt everytime I blurt to her that she's just a hopeless freeloader at home. She also can't understand why she could not get any support from us, when we're the only ones she could really rely on.

I understand my mother's concern about our conflict. In fact, despite her personal disapproval at how she waste the last of her academic years engaging in such fruitless activites, my mom chose to take her side instead of mine. Her reason was I'm too harsh and unforgiving about my demands and that I'm alienating her at home. The stress and pressure from running a university-wide campaign has already taken a toll on her mind and being, and that an added pressure from me might lead to her breakdown.

So she begged me to keep my sentiments to myself, for the sake of maintaining the peace at home.

That same week, she would often go home past midnight with her core group only to continue their meeting and planning at home. Such lessened contact prevents us from clashing. However the large number of people we have to support is eating a portion of our resources. This could become a point of contention between us siblings. What made me stop raising this issue is the fact that Punks also uses our resources everytime he sleeps over at home. She could always counter my complains with that argument.

---

As my mother recollects my sister's involvement in our frequent mother-son consultations, I've realized that things are not doing well for my sister. There's a hint that her authority was being challenged by a faction who's not impressed with her leadership. At the same time, countless inter-party complains pushes them to the brink of disqualification.

One evening, as the family waits for her arrival, I decided to check on her files on my computer just to check on her performance. It turns out that as a new political alliance, her leadership was untested. In fact, her choice of a standard bearer had already spelled defeat for her entire line-up.

If only I knew their situation way ahead, I might be able to give her an advice or two about running a machinery. After all, I was a secretary general during my time.

As my aunt puts pressure on us to convince my sister to resign her post, I begin to understand how difficult it is for my sister to hold everything together especially with her lack of experience. Sometimes, she would just cry to my mom out of sheer frustration and exhaustion from doing a thankless job. On many times, she would ferociously defend her party about my aunt's accusation of being a dirty player in their election campaign.

These things, for a time made me think about my stand. The issues of pride and ego begins to surface as my aunt tries to put my sister down and demand her immediate resignation from her party. I felt that Im being pitted against my own sister for the sake of satisfying a cousin's desire for dominance. However, my concern about the future and the preservation of the family also puts me in a position where I have to compromise my sister's right to choose her happiness over our long term survival. Losing my aunt's favor would mean that we have to swallow our pride the moment we have run to her for assistance.

Therefore we had to make a choice.

My aunt demanded for my sister's resignation a couple of times shortly before their campus elections. By then we knew that it's already too late for my sister to back down from her top position. Doing so would simple leave her shattered for the rest of her life. I suggested that she could transfer some of her responsibilities to a junior student, while running things from behind. However, it seems like my sibling doesn't understand the concept of succession in power so she never listened my advice.

Her stubborness and willingness to break relationships with people who cross her reminds me of a story back in my college years. Back then, I have a friend who belongs to a rival party. We've known each other for years, we're even classmates during the last two years of our college life. However, our party affiliations simply prevented us from getting close. We could not even engage in a small talk out of fear of being accussed of submitting to the other. She's been known as a strong-willed woman. For a time, I even thought she'd take over my position as the class president after she was nominated in that position during a class election.

Our relationship went on from being warm to being cold. It was the only time in my life I showed extreme display of distrust while still appearing cordial and accomodating to a person. Days before graduation, we had an unobstructed conversation summarizing our four years in college. Then and there she blurted to me, "kung hindi lang dahil sa partido, naging sobrang close siguro tayo."

We waited four years just to open up to each other only to part ways days later.

---

During the canvassing, my sister kept on texting us to pray for them. Apparently, they are on the brink of losing the entire council and that their rival is already gaining the upper hand.

I remembered what my aunt told me that afternoon about the only sad outcome my sister would get after the council elections had ended. It turns out that the reason why my cousin is furious at my sister's polical maneuvering is because among all her cousins, she considers closest to my sister. Now that their familial bond is broken, she feels that her connection with the bloodline is over.

That same day, in one burst of heated argument, I also told my sister how her arrogance will cost her dearly. First, I pointed out to her the value of gratitude above all things. It's a fact that the reason why she got admitted to that university is because of my aunt's connections. It would be her greatest humiliation to see someone she worked to be admitted go to waste. Second, even if we never solicited direct favors from my aunt, she had rendered us assistance during our most difficult moments. Her assistance when dad was in his deathbed will forever remain in my memory. Lastly, because my sister chose politics over academics, I have to brace to the reality that I may have to work for the next six months while she enjoys the comforts of remaining a student.

Before Friday ended, her karma has been served:

For all the efforts and sacrifices she had rendered just to push her party to victory - they lost all the major seats in the council to their rivals.

Now that everything is over, she had to pick up the pieces and pay the price for not heeding our warning.