Saturday, January 31, 2009

Welcome Wagon

Makati Avenue
Past Midnight


It is on a same Friday night like this that I find myself walking alone on a not so different road. Empty cabs pass by with droopy-eyed drivers looking for passengers emerging from the bars that line the street. Most of these revelers would come out of their watering holes drunk and on the verge of passing out. Accompanied by friends or newly-met accomplices, they would hail the taxis and often haggle with the drivers seeking extra payment before they take them home. Across the street, trance music blares from the gargantuan speakers of a dance club. Not far from the dance club, a multitude of laughter could be heard inside a comedy bar as the host picks up and taunts one of the guests with highly scandalous questions a fifteen-year old kid should never hear.

Somewhere across that stretch, maybe a couple of blocks away from where I stand is an obscure ktv bar where my pack decides to lodge themselves. Coming from a booze party earlier that evening, belting diva songs is what keeps the alcohol from taking over their swirling heads.

Meanwhile, I have other plans for the night.

After my pack settles down in one of the round circular tables inside the ktv bar, I would leave the spot barely noticed. I would then troop to my favorite Coyote bar to watch nymphets perform their erotic dance moves on top of bar counters. As they grind their asses to the sound of Trance music, the male audience would scream "take it off," to the delight of everyone. The performers would then, slowly take-off their blouses, shirts, or spaghetti straps (and sometimes their skirts) revealing their underwear. At one time, one of the bar owners was present during the performance and the nymphet took off her bra to the cheers of those lucky enough to witness such spectacle.

Those were my heydays.

After a few hours of screaming, cheering and dancing on the dance floor, my mobile phone would vibrate. The text message comes from one of my friends I left at the ktv bar.

"Balik ka na, uuwi na tayo."

I could ignore the message in my inbox and stay there until dawn. But traditions tell that the pack should go home together after a night's party. After receiving the SMS message, I would leave the club not minding even if the girls show their shaved kitties. After all, who would be interested in pink flaps when it is the big guns I'm longing to play at the end of the night.

Arriving at the ktv bar minutes later, some of my companions were gone. They leave in groups to ensure that nobody gets left behind. Those who remain are the one's I'd join inside the cab going home. It has been our way ever since.

And it remains unbroken even if times have changed.

"Tara school bus ulit," one of us would blurt out.

School bus. A childish name we have given to the habit of riding a cab in groups and dropping each one of the passengers at their doorsteps. Others would never notice this little intimacy of togetherness or even bother to give a name to it. But to us, it is how we forged our friendship. It is during these quiet joyrides that we truly bond and share our stories, feelings and dreams with our companions. It is these late-night cab rides that make us constantly remember who we are and why we should never forget.

Especially the one who made these after-party school bus rides possible; the one who connects everyone in the group.

---

Inside Club Government:

"Huy bumalik ka na dito! Nasa taxi na daw siya." It was a text message from a friend who took the mantle after our central figure left to settle abroad.

I returned to Tienanmen Bar half an hour later. I found the people I left still downing bottles of beer and talking to each other that they barely noticed my arrival. Suddenly, one of those seated across the table shouted "Andyan na siya!" which disrupted the train of conversations. We turned our heads toward the door and saw a big guy approaching our table. The bar was dimly lit and his silhouette is what we saw. His rounded figure, wide grin which we can still see in the dark and his visibly short hair recall the features still embedded on our heads.

"OMG Omeng! Welcome back!!!"

Everyone sober enough to get up scrambled to greet our host.

---

It's been years since he left.

Surreal as it may seems, but last night, four years of distance seem like a week apart.


Thursday, January 29, 2009

Chronicles of El Tigre (Episode Three)

Sa araw-araw na ginawa ng maykapal, ganito nagsisimula ang aming umaga.

---

[10:09] elTigre: di ako papasok ngayun brad
[10:09] elTigre: ewan ko ba bkit di parin nawawala ng tuluyan yugn sama ng pakiramdam ko
[10:10] MuGen: kasi naman miyaw
[10:10] MuGen: imbes na nagpapahinga ka eh pinapagod mo sarili mo
[10:10] MuGen: hayan nabinat ka tuloy
[10:10] elTigre: hidni e me konting konti na alng
[10:10] elTigre: e
[10:10] elTigre: hang over
[10:10] elTigre: kaya aabsent ako ngayun
[10:10] MuGen: wushoo!
[10:10] elTigre: tapos yung eye bags ko sobrang laki na muka na akong bampira
[10:12] MuGen: hahaha
[10:12] MuGen: pahinga ka muna kaya

---

Reklamador. Yan ang bago kong bansag kay El Tigre. Umasa ka na hindi ito nawawalan ng papansinin o kaya naman ay pipintasan sa tuwing magkausap kami. Mula sa kanyang walang katapusang paghahanap ng makakain sa hapon, hanggang sa mga trabahong kanyang ginagawa sa opisina, ang mga ito ay kailangan pa makaabot sa akin. Gaya ng dati, sa usapang work-out pa rin madalas umiikot ang aming kuwentuhan. Hindi ko nga alam kung bakit na kung sino pa ang mas adik magbuhat, siya pa itong may gana humingi ng payo kung ano ang gagawin sa kanyang program. Kung ang iba ay mababagot sa ganitong pag-uusap, sa aming kaso, lubos kong kinakaaliw ang kanyang pagbubukas ng sarili.

Marahil ay isang malaking karangalan ang mag-open up ang isang tao sa iyo na ramdam mo ay madalas walang pakielam sa buhay ng iba.

---

[10:27] elTigre: normal bang jumebs ng 3 times a day?
[10:27] MuGen: oo pag marami ka kinakain
[10:28] MuGen: malambot ba ang jebs?
[10:28] elTigre: ok lang normal lang naman
[10:28] MuGen: walang problema dun
[10:28] elTigre: yun na nga kasi ang dami ko kumain kaya madalas din
[10:28] MuGen: asus
[10:28] MuGen: ikaw rin sumagot sa tanong mo
[10:28] MuGen: hahaha.
[10:28] elTigre: bka kasi me something lang dun
[10:28] MuGen: breakfast ka na?
[10:29] elTigre: hindi pa
[10:29] elTigre: 12 ang breakfast ko lagi e
[10:30] elTigre: sakit talga ulo ko e di parin nawawala me konti pa e
[10:30] elTigre: biogesic na nga ako ng biogesic ayaw mawala
[10:33] MuGen: hala
[10:33] MuGen: baka magkaproblema ka naman sa kidney niyan
[10:33] MuGen: pahinga ka lang miyaw
[10:33] elTigre: 2 lng nmn e
[10:33] MuGen: sobra kaya yun
[10:33] elTigre: hihihi
[10:33] elTigre: ganun

---

Kung tutuusin ay isang malaking trade deficit ang aming mga pag-uusap. Madalas ay siya ang may kuwento (o reklamo) habang ako naman ay kanyang tigapakinig lang. Wala rin naman akong masasabi. Kung malalaman niya lang ang mga issue ko sa buhay ay baka magka-nose bleed ito. Sa aming paguusap ay naiimagine ko kung paano pumasok sa relasyon itong si El Tigre. Kung siya ay pipili ng kasintahang babae, tiyak ay dapat higit na mature at maalaga ito kesa sa kanya. Nakikinita ko rin na siya yung tipong hindi magpapatakbo ng relasyon kundi susunod lamang dito sa mga panahong kanyang maiibigan.

Just the same, it is still too early to tell what to know about him. Tutal hindi pa pumapasok sa aming mga kuwentuhan ang kanyang buhay pag-ibig o kaya naman ang kanyang pangarap na mag-settle down at magkapamilya balang araw. Para kay El Tigre, higit na mas mahalaga ang career at ang ma-promote sa kanyang trabaho. Pangalawa dito ang gym kung saan naging panatag ang loob namin sa isa't isa .

Marami pa akong mga bagay na dapat malaman tungkol sa kanya. Marami rin ang maaring hindi ko na madiskubre pa. But, whatever it's worth, I'm so glad we still see each other as two straight friends.

---

[10:44] elTigre: so no gyming nu
[10:44] elTigre: [insert evil smiley here]
[10:45] MuGen: WALA
[10:45] MuGen: pahinga ka lang
[10:45] elTigre: hahahah
[10:48] MuGen: maniwala ha!
[10:48] elTigre: opo
[10:50] MuGen: [insert smiley here]
[10:50] MuGen: nagpaalam ka na na di ka makakapasok?
[10:52] elTigre: oo naman
[10:52] MuGen: ayan ready ka na sa isang holiday
[10:52] MuGen: hehehe
[10:53] elTigre: holiday?
[10:55] MuGen: ganon tawag ko
[10:55] MuGen: pag absent sa wrok
[10:55] elTigre: hahahaha baliw ka

---

Sapagkat kung hindi, sa chat pa lang, alam mong makulay na ang aming usapan. Paano pa kaya kapag kami'y nagkasundo sa aming unang pagkikita?

PS: Ang Tigre ay naggym kinahapunan. Tiyak na may masakit na naman ang katawan bukas ng umaga.


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Reconnaissance

Slow is the breeze caressing my cheeks, in this moonless night I remember. Crumpled sheets sprawled on my weary bed, as pale blue light from the TV screen illuminate the walls of this silent room. Empty thoughts become a distraction, turning my gaze away from a dreaded sunrise. Another day, another cycle, it sometimes makes me wonder how long before this suspended animation ends. A muffled breathe, a stare into the blank ceiling, a tapping of the fingers on the plastic ebony keyboard while letters appear on my computer. Words have the power to both heal and inflict pain. When words leave no meaning; when sentences print only artificial thoughts, then perhaps there is no use transmitting this message at all:

I am a satellite drifting the space between worlds and in those millions of stars and trillions of planets, perhaps it is not yet meant to find my orbit around a new homeworld.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Grenasian Tea Party

I.

We are here today to witness a very important meeting among the victors of the last Grovaxian War. The council will decide on the steps it will take regarding last week's assault by the Meganus headed by the vile and brutal King Koopa against our noble allies from the hills of Lolorobad: the Gomon Tribe.

Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and fellow animals. This is Faragorn Fairingay reporting to you live from the new dancing grounds of Artavia. In the course of this council meeting, I will bring to you up to the minute reports about this most historic event that would spell war or peace once again in our fair lands.

May the lady of the light protect us all.

II.

The conflict began shortly after the appearance of a doll wandering near the hills of Kolinhar, which as we all know lies within the newly expanded holdings of the Gomon Tribe. The Gomons believe that this doll came from the outer realms. Since we do not have the necessary knowledge to support their claims, many among the council members dismissed this belief as part of Gomon mysticism.

However, other creatures - particularly those from the Empire of Mumrah share this belief and the race to abduct the lost doll ensued. War machines were mobilized and as a result, it lead to a brief skirmish which resulted to the death of a Gomon officer and a Rider pilot. The doll was captured by the victorious Meganus forces.

A call to rescue the doll was requested by the Gomon Government. Since the council, especially the Artavians remain heavily indebted to their assistance during its last war against the marauding Grovaxian armies, representatives from different nations of Grenasia were sent to discuss and debate the matter over at the "Tea Party."

We've got word that the emissaries have now been assembled. Let us hear what they are about to say.

III.

"Ladies, Gentlemen and to our animal friends who have been with us throughout the forgotten ages," began the Princess Jasmine of Artavia.

"We have assembled here in the dancing grounds to listen to the plea of our ally. Our old enemies have been awakened and our lands are under threat. As witness to the foreboding darkness that might befall upon us, I introduce to you once again our friend and comrade, Magistrate Sallapudini of the Gomon Tribe."

IV.

"Greetings! esteemed representatives of Grenasia. We have come in peace, but we bring terrible news. For eons the Gomons have pondered whether there is life out there - in the realms only few of us would ever imagine. We sent our renowned and most advanced flying vessels to explore these lands but none of them have returned. We longed for answers even during our long sleep, but only, after so many ages of waiting have our longings been answered."

"A few weeks ago, a doll, much like our great lady of the light showed up in our doorstep. We have treated her with much respect, and tried our best to introduce the varied way of life and cultures flourishing in our lands. She told us many secrets that we are willing to share with you. Listen well and listen carefully, for what we are about to say will change the way you think of our existence."

"We are not alone my friends. Other intelligent creatures flourish and thrive in other realms."

A commotion and slight panic ensued after the magistrate's revelation. The Tortons, who have always believed that their lands are the center of Grenesia were on the verge of leaving the dancing grounds.

V.

"Her name is Lady Qiki of the Kingdom of Camhalla. In their realm lives dolls like ours. Such verdant land of hers know no war or misery. They don't have any flying vessels to protect their lands or spirit away their weary brothers and sisters to safe havens in times of enemy assaults. They don't have foes desiring their homes and enslaving their people. What they have is a benevolent omniscience who looks after their needs."

"We could have introduced her to you - to this council had our first contact wasn't disrupted by our common foe. The Empire was watching our every move and when we laid down our arms and welcomed the lady in peace, they struck leaving us shaken with the ferocity of their attack."

"Our brethren - our brethren the Riders, which we joined alongside with you took advantage of our weakness and hit our most prized flying vessel with their beam weapon. It killed one of our soldiers and left our most able general sobering for days. We do not know their intentions, but just like the Empire which ambushed us, they are bent on abducting the lady for their own purposes."

"We come here as your brothers seeking assistance in rescuing the lady of the outer realms. Not only do we value the wisdom she is willing to share, but it is our gracious and hospitable nature that drive us to claim and return her back to her land. We humbly seek your knowledge, your might and your unity to rescue Lady Qiki who shares our values and prevent our foes from knowing what would be dangerous to ours. The time to act is now and we wish to have your presence in this war we shall declare."

Hushed and terrified voices followed after the Magistrate's speech.

VI.

Welcome to the chamber of severed dreams my lady.

Huuuuuhhh... my head is spinning... Where am I... Who are you... What is this place... and where are my friends...

You are now under our protection, you do not have to fear us. It is our great honor to introduce you to one of your kind.

What do you mean... do you have dolls living with you? May I ask for your name?

Relax, you will find out soon enough. I am Emperor Mumrah and you are in my kingdom. Our foes call this place Mount Grovax.

Grovaxia welcomes you, Lady Qiki of Camhalla.

---

previous entry:
Warp and Weft





-tobecontinued-

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Freak Show

They agreed because it was needed. The goal was not really to educate but to survive on small cash donations and bags of groceries promised by the radio station once they grant them an interview. It was not for them, really, but for their infant son, who at a young age have to suffer because of their disease. It was a difficult choice knowing how the media treats people like them lately.

But they need to live.

I remember, the hysteria began some years back. The government released a data regarding the rising cases of the virus in the country. Media companies exploited the inherent fears of a nation and created a spin out of it. You know how news can be sensationalized in order to get more attention. It is a twisted style of telling a story where negative emotions matter more than positive understanding. Soon, the news had reached every nook and corner and people began talking about it. They said they speak in order to educate, but most of them only echoed what the cold numbers have revealed.

From what I see, the joint effort to make the people aware of the virus was successful. However, we failed in the way we treat the disease and the issue itself. It was never education from the very start. For us who doesn't have it, it was more of preaching to relieve ourselves of our own guilt. What the preaching did was to sow terror. Words do speak of alarm. In the many months after the news has been circulated, how many of us really do understand the virus and the people who have it?

Fear snatch our compassion and sensitivity. It only lets us see ourselves and not the people who truly suffer. It pains me to know that those, who should be more open-minded and sensitive about these things are the ones who carelessly wrought more suffering to the victims. Those who should be giving these people more dignity to live a deserving existence are the ones who are taking it away.

In the end, it's all about exploitation. A freak show to satisfy a curious public.

Nothing more, nothing less.



"Baka mahawa ako diyan?"

Lala Roque apparently said to her staff just a hearing distance away from the parents of Baby Nathan.

"Ano yun, nakakahawa ba?"

The station staff replied while fixing her gaze to the family seated in one of the chairs.





There are fears that should be left unspoken and let those who truly live with it speak for themselves as we listen and quietly heed their advice.

Until we finally learn to accept and embrace their lives.

Back In The Closet

---

With the prodding that comes like an end
to the brevity of intimacy, the exhibits stand up
and walk wordlessly out of the tent. The visitors
voices now vaulted by old guilt preserved
and left open for all to see,

Take their places in this mirthless menagerie,
one willing victim for each abandoned reverie.
They close their eyes and wait for the visitors to come,
here, to be claimed by graceless fear
here, in the sideshow that only hypocrisy could have built.

Freak Show
The Most Careful of the Stars
Ruel De Vera

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Atmospheric Reentry

To get the attention of someone
considered to be the shining jewel
of the club is the ultimate
ego trip you could have.




Until you realize that
everything becomes worthless
when this someone actually gets you.

---

I could have turned my gaze elsewhere and leave you basking in your five minutes of fame. The skinny long-haired lady next to us is already responding to my provocations long before you came to the ledge. However, my inner nature told me to stay. I cannot deny that I longed for you just like you secretly longed for me. With no words able to describe our feelings, I understood that despite your outer toughness, you sought someone who could match your ruggedness. Others will have their turns touching your body, but I am the only one capable of feeling your soul. As you leaned on my arms while trying to bend your body, I knew that you sought someone who can make you feel secured right at your most vulnerable moment.

Discreet
June 29, 2008

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sum Of All Fears

However, the scary reality that I haven't received my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tell us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

Voices From The Netherworld
January 16, 2006


---

The wait started last 15th. As everyone basked in their moment of opulence, you were bracing for the worst. Your paycheck from the family's Sikyu Business is delayed again. It happens every year, on this month and on this very payday, but still you never get used to it. Maybe because you feel that as you grow older, the stakes become higher. You feel helpless and guilty that you cannot do anything while your empire crumbles before you. You wish you have your own business; your means to support yourself and the empire your late father had built. But you are a slave to someone else and you know that it would take some life-changing decisions before you take a turn and become a master yourself.

You dread the inevitable because the stakes are higher: Your aging mother will be retiring in a few years; Your sister is still a bum and depends on you to find her a means of living; and the income you are getting is not enough to keep your family afloat. Bills keep coming and when you think about the monthly requirements of your home, dread creeps the length of your spine. You value your ways of living so much that a slight deviation from it leaves you suicidal. You feel that everything will bore down on you and the thought of how unprepared you are for it makes you call the heavens for help. That's why you wait, and hope for this salvation from the Sikyu Agency to come.

Days trickle like unwanted liquid left to drip from a faucet. It splats on the sink leaving tiny millions of droplets exploding all over the place. Exploding, Yes. That's what you feel every time you check your ATM balance. Exploding, Yes. That is what your heart screams whenever you calmly talk to the call center agent of your bank.

Your mother told you to be cool, and brace for the worse. But your head is stubborn and keeps running multiple situations that you should never think yet. You tell yourself never to face a battle you are not prepared. But how can you prepare when your resources keep dwindling and will not last you until summer is over?

Time after time, you look for ways of emancipation. You are tired of being a slave to your fear of the uncertain - of becoming penniless and leaving your family to fend for themselves. You wish to have your own empire; your own army and your own emissary so when you show up at the Sikyu, they will bow down to your might and not the other way around. You always feel that your life hangs on a thread, but despite this predicament, you still have to find a way to act on it.

If only it is you all alone, you will never worry such matters.

A promise has been made last time that the paycheck will come today. It has been broken many times over and you told yourself to accept what hardships would bring Good thing you have two sources of wealth - the Sikyu and the Call Center. At least the Call Center can give provisions to at least barely survive.

But to support an entire household... May God have mercy on your soul.

So again a phone call has been made. This time, hope has already been sapped and replaced by a growing anguish. Pressing the plunger, then the digits, and then waiting for the attendant to answer, you pray.

I've been good.

Ikaw na ang bahala sa amin.

"Hello this is Ben, how may I help you?"

"My name is Mugen. My account number is..."

"I would like to verify your personal info by asking you a few details. What is your home address?"

"What is your date of birth?"

"Please tell me your mother's maiden name."

The background check seems like forever, but in this moment of helplessness, humility is your only solace.

"So what is your question again Mr. Mugen?"

"I would like to know if there is some movement in my balance today."

"If someone has deposited money on my account."

The passing seconds felt like someone has been strangling your neck. You really need to free yourself from this cycle soon.

"Yes sir. [insert the amount of money here] was added to your balance this afternoon."

"Could you repeat that again?" You asked in disbelief.

"[insert the amount of money here] was deposited in your account sir."

Feverish and on the verge of fainting. You heaved a sigh of relief. You know, it's not only you you're thinking. More than anything else, the absence of money is a sign that your Sikyu is in trouble.

"Thank you very much."

"Is that all sir."

"Yes, that's all. Thank you again and goodbye."

---

February is just around the corner. The alarming ordeal is over for now but the next one is just days away

And so, the cycle of fear stars again.

The Forks






A silhouetted image of me taken by Dak while snapping a photo of the diffused head lights from a vehicle in front of us.


People's Palace in the Sky

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Cadillac One

At dahil pinaguusapan ng ibang bloggers ang unconventional and non-traditional gowns ni Michelle Obama na obra ni Jason Wu at Isabel Toledo, makikisawsaw ako upang i-blog naman ang presidential car ni Barack Hussein Obama.


---

Most details of the car are classified for security reasons. It is completely fitted with military grade armor that is 8 inches thick for maximum protection. The wheels are fitted with run flat tires. Due to the thickness of the glass, much natural light is excluded, so a fluorescent halo lighting system in the headliner is essential.

The car can seat seven people, including the president. The front seats two, and includes a console-mounted communications center. A glass partition divides the front from back seat. Three rear facing seats are in the back, with cushions that are able to fold over the partition. The two rear seats are reserved for the president and another passenger; these seats have the ability to recline individually. A folding desk is between the two rear seats. Storage compartments in the interior panels of the car contain communications equipment.

The Secret Service refers to the heavily-armored vehicle as "the beast".

On domestic trips, Cadillac One displays the American and presidential standard, which are illuminated by directional flood lights mounted on the hood. When the President performs a state visit to a foreign country, the presidential standard is replaced by the foreign country's flag.

---

Napanood ko kagabi ang inauguration ng bagong president ng US. As expected, maraming tao ang dumalo para sa historic event na ito. Nagulat nga ako sapagkat halos lahat ng news channels sa cable ay nakatutok sa Capitol Hill. Kanya-kanya rin ang commentary ng mga newscasters tungkol sa nagaganap na transition of power sa Washington.

Nasulat ko sa mga naunang entries kung paano ko inantabayanan ang paglalakbay ni Obama tungo sa pagkapresidente ng Amerika. Nakatutok ako sa CNN nang siya ay dineklarang panalo sa Democratic Primaries noong Hulyo. Naroon rin ako nang una siyang magdeliver ng speech sa harap ng 200,000 na katao upang tanggapin ang kanyang nominasyon. Nangilid pa nga ang luha ko matapos ang kanyang talumpati. Sinundan ko ang kanyang campaign trail hanggang sa mga huling araw nito. Noon ngang bilangan ng balota, magdamag bukas ang aking TV huwag lang mahuli sa mga developments na nagaganap hanggang madeklara ang bagong leader ng pinakamakapangyarihang bansa sa buong mundo.

From then to now, tingin ko ay isang epilogue na lamang ang ginanap na inauguration kagabi. Kumbaga, formalities na lamang ito matapos malaman ang kinahinatnan ng kalahating taong teleserye tungkol sa US elections noong Nobyembre.

Simula pa lamang ng pagkapangulo ni Obama subalit marami na itong binitawang pangako hindi lamang sa kanyang bansa kundi pati sa buong mundo. Hindi ko alam kung ito ay makakamit sa loob ng apat na taon. Anuman ang mangyari simula ngayon hanggang sa huling araw ng kanyang termino, dalangin ko na anumang kaunlaran at kapanatagan ang makamit ng US, umabot sana hanggang dito ang kaginhawaang iyon.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Foghorn

The ascent begins at the base, near the picnic grove overlooking the famed lake. It will be a two-mile trip to the summit where thick clouds marching from the south have assembled to surround the prominent peak. The heaving dark clouds, like a dragon coiling around the hill is posed to swallow the crown on top of the mount, and we, as curious spectators is about to venture into the most outrageous drive of our lives.

Darkness shrouds the landscape as the Jimny revs for a steep climb. The narrow road twists revealing sharp bends whose deep ravine have already surrendered to the abyss. On cloudless days, the ledge reveals rolling hills and plains as far as the eyes could see. In the distance, beyond the lake, is the shimmering splendor of the sea, whose briny air beckons the marauding clouds to return to its depths.

But the path now, whose faint yellow divider lines is slowly fading into the fog. The silhouette of trees warn of an impending fall; the absence of specter of lights glowing from blurred lamp posts tell of yielding. Yet we must go on and never stop, lest a vehicle sharply turning on a bend might suddenly hit us from behind.

Sliding the side window, fluffy white smoke enters the car: the fog dancing gleefully to announce its victory to us. A whiff of icy air chills our nostrils, while pearly beads of rain water splat on our skin. The road ahead is now veiled behind the clouds but despite these trepidations, we crawl forward to continue our journey.

Halfway between the base and the summit, we parked, took a leak next to the ridge, and surveyed the hidden layers of our surroundings. Howling winds blow against our face as we stood our ground hoping for a heavenly parting to happen. An icy chill permeates our skin knocking our bones to submission, yet we never faltered: A crown seeks to be discovered hidden above the clouds.

We walked towards the final gate only to find it bolted. The wind is still howling and as the clouds encircle to make its final push to swallow our sanctified ledge, there is no choice but to rescind. With no place to stay and only the frosty elements to keep us company. We return to the Jimny and surrender our fate to the embracing mist.

---

People's Palace In The Sky
While waiting for another vehicle to get us back to the base

Thank you guys.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Chronicles Of El Tigre (Episode Two)

Maraming beses nang sumagi sa isip kung ano kaya ang magiging reaksyon ni Tigre sakaling malaman niya na hindi ako straight. Hindi kaya siya biglang mailang at basta na lang akong hindi pansinin? Magtaka kaya siya kung bakit "Miyawmiyaw" ang palayaw niya sa tuwing babati ako sa YM? Manibago kaya siya sa mga panahong nagiging maalalahanin ako sa kanyang pang araw-araw na kalagayan at dahil dito'y maging mailap sa akin?

Minsan naiisip ko rin na hindi kaya PLU ang binata't hindi lang nito sinasabi ang tinatago nitong lihim. Puwede rin naman na masyado lang siyang natutuwa sa binibigay kong atensyon kaya't kahit na nagmumukhang "mag-syota" ang aming usapan, wala pa rin siyang pakiealam dito at tuloy pa rin sa pakiki-ride on sa akin.

Subalit anuman ang pagkukulay na aking gawin at gaano man ka-ambigious ang mga bagay na pinaparamdam namin sa isa't isa, darating ang panahon at ipapatuklas niya rin sa iyo ang kanyang tunay na pagkatao.

---

[20:31] elTigre: nga pala na kwento ko sa basayu
[20:31] elTigre: nung sabado munik na ako maka sagot ng bakla sa gym
[20:31] MuGen: makasagot ng bakla?
[20:31] MuGen: bakit?
[20:31] elTigre: e puking ina
[20:32] elTigre: kasi inaayus yung locker ng lalake
[20:32] MuGen: lutong ah!
[20:32] MuGen: tapos?
[20:32] elTigre: curtains ang takip sa shower
[20:32] elTigre: sabi ba naman
[20:33] MuGen: u?
[20:34] elTigre: OH GOSH KUYA (SA UTILITY) BKIT NAMAN GANITO SCARY
[20:34] elTigre: tapos
[20:34] MuGen: okay.
[20:34] elTigre: SABI KUYA PWEDE MO BA AKONG BANTAY SHOWER LANG AKO NG SANDALI
[20:34] elTigre: puta
[20:34] elTigre: sisilipan kaba
[20:34] MuGen: arte!
[20:35] MuGen: hindi tatagal sa Eclipse yan
[20:35] elTigre: muntik ko na sabihin langya anu ka artista
[20:35] elTigre: napaka arte oo nakakatakot na curtain lang pero wala ka naan magagawa
[20:35] MuGen: curtain kaya ang
[20:36] MuGen: kurtina sa gym namin
[20:36] elTigre: hahaha


---

Mahigit isang buwan na rin simula nang kami ay magkakilala sa PinoyExchange ni Tigre. Mula sa maikling usapan sa private messages tungkol sa isang exercise program, ito ay nauwi sa pagpapalitan ng YM address sa internet. Anim na araw sa isang linggo kung kami ay magtagpo sa chatroom. Madalas ay tungkol sa pagbubuhat at wastong pagkain umiikot ang aming usapan ngunit paminsan minsan ay nadadapo rin kami sa kwentong buhay ng bawat isa.

---

[20:41] elTigre: yun na nga e
[20:41] elTigre: pero di ako ngayun nakakapag yabang sa gym e

[20:41] elTigre: [insert smiley here]
[20:41] MuGen: kasi?
[20:41] elTigre: nagbabalat katawan ko e
[20:41] MuGen: hahaha
[20:41] MuGen: so hindi ka nagdidisplay ng mala-adonis mong katawan

[20:41] MuGen: nyahahaha
[20:41] elTigre: hahah
[20:42] elTigre: ooanaka brip lang
[20:42] elTigre: joke
[20:42] elTigre: [insert smiley here]
[20:42] MuGen: yabang
[20:42] elTigre: hindi ko ata kaya yun
[20:42] elTigre: joke laang
[20:42] MuGen: hehehe


---

Mararamdaman mo sa inyong kuwentuhan kung gaano siya ka-loner na tao: Nakatira siya sa Maynila kasama ang kapatid (na mukhang kabangga yata ngayong mga araw); ang nanay ay nasa probinsya; walang katropa sa trabaho at tanging gym at photography ang inaatupad sa buhay. Marahil ay marami pa akong dapat malaman tungkol sa kanya, subalit dahil sadyang maliit na bahagi lamang ng kanyang mundo ang kanyang pinapakita, minarapat kong manatili sa mundong iyon.

---

[20:49] MuGen: 10 minutes parekoy!
[20:49] MuGen: laya ka na
[20:50] elTigre: ako

[20:50] elTigre: hmmm
[20:50] elTigre: defined
[20:51] elTigre: hahaha nkita mo naba yung ngayun edi naman a
[20:51] MuGen: naka lantad kaya
[20:51] elTigre: pero oo mas defined yun kesa ngayun
[20:51] MuGen: sa facebook mo
[20:51] elTigre: ah yun ba
[20:51] elTigre: [insert smiley here]
[20:51] MuGen: yung sa mga beach photos mo
[20:51] elTigre: taba nu
[20:51] elTigre: walang cuts
[20:52] MuGen: hahaha
[20:52] MuGen: okay pa yun
[20:52] elTigre: yung me cuts
[20:52] MuGen: uu
[20:52] MuGen: kaingget.
[20:52] elTigre: tungaw pag nkita mo ako naka damit nun
[20:52] MuGen: mukha ka hiphop?
[20:52] elTigre: payat
[20:52] elTigre: oo ngaun mejo malamn na
[20:52] elTigre: pero amg dedefine ako try ko sa feb
[20:52] MuGen: hehehe
[20:53] elTigre: papalit lang ako ng joging pants

[20:53] MuGen: sige brad

---

Nasabi niya minsan na namimili siya ng mga taong kinakausap. Ang rebelasyong ito ay tunay na nakapagpataba ng aking puso. Ito ay dahil sa ang pagkatiwalaan ng isang estranghero mula sa mundo ng mga straight ay isang malaking bagay para sa akin. Ilan lang bang straight ang napapakisamahan ko gaya ng pakisamang binibigay ko kay Tigre?

Wala pa yatang sampu.

Sa loob loob ko, ang mga lalaking katulad ni Tigre ay pagkakaguluhan sa aking mundo. Marahil ay nakatiyamba ako ng isang inosente at mahiyaing binatilyo na nagbukas ng kanyang mailap na pintuan papasok sa kanyang buhay. Kumbaga, siya ay nakatagpo ng barkada na kahit maging kaduda-duda man ang pinakikita nitong pagpapahalaga sa kanya, sa huli ay nananaig ang pakikisama na di nito nakikita sa iba.

Ito marahil ang pwersa na nagbubuklod sa aming dalawa.

Marami pa ang mga linggong bibilangin bago kami magtagpo ng harapan. Sa kabila nito ay planado na ang dahilan ng aming pagkikita. (ang pagsama niya sa akin sa Cash and Carry upang bumili ng Hydroxy Cut, ang pangako niyang Cheeseburger sa Mcdo, ang pangako kong pagtuturo kung paano mag-focus ng subject para sa kanyang photoshoot) Sa ngayon ay sapat na ang halos araw-araw na pag-uusap sa chat na may kaunting asaran at paminsan-minsang lambingan upang iparamdam na naroon kami upang bigyang distraction ang buhay ng isa't isa.

Weird, sapagkat gaano man kami kalapit sa tuwing magkausap, alam ko na walang taluhan sa aming dalawa.

Sa mahigit pitong taon ko na pagiging PLU ay marami pa akong dapat matutunan. Mukhang kay Tigre ko malalaman kung paano makisama at makisalamuha muli sa isang straight nang hindi nilalantad ang tunay kong pagkatao.

---

[21:03] elTigre: cge uwi na ako
[21:03] MuGen: babay
[21:03] MuGen: miyawmiyaw
[21:03] MuGen: [insert smiley here]
[21:03] elTigre: later if online kapa
[21:03] elTigre: ingat brad




Happy Birthday Parekoy!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pairings

Imagine yourself being invited to a Videoke Party. There are nine of you in the group and one turns out to be the odd one out. Looking around, you see all of them inside the room - including the outcast. Everyone seems to be paired with someone and you feel a little pity to the one who was left out. You wondered how come he has no partner, when he can easily get one the moment he steps inside his favorite watering spots. He's not that bad looking either to be ignored by someone. Perhaps it was his miscalculation that brought him to this most unfortunate situation. Whatever his reasons are, you just feel guilty that you could not keep him company.

It all began a few days earlier. The newest couple in the group organized a get-together. I don't know, perhaps they just wanted to be seen and brag at how they ended up being together. You know how new couples are. Anyway, everyone was invited, including one of their friends who has a wife and kids, and still chooses to find another guy to keep him company. Funny. The guy he is with right now, which we will call Piolo for this entry was once involved with one of the guys belonging to the new couple.

Anyway, I do not know how Piolo and this guy who is married came to be. What I do know is that Piolo loves to flirt around and the guys in the group find him very attractive. I find him too effeminate for my taste, so I let him be. I just don't want him near my periphery.

Expecting that there will be pairings during the gathering, the leader asked the odd-one-out if he could be assured of his presence. You see, this odd guy has this habit of committing to an activity only at the last minute. He avoids being expected. Understanding the leader's situation, he confirmed his presence without double-checking his activities the day he was needed. However, as a suggestion, he told the Pinuno to bring someone from his legion of thread watchers. It's high time to reward the most loyal subject of his little empire.

Past 7 in the evening the following day, they met somewhere in Cubao. The leader followed the odd guy's suggestion and brought along a kid from the thread. His name was Ardent, a 19 year-old guy who's just new in the non-straight scene. The leader assured him of protection from those who might prey on his charm and innocence. His core members, after all, have this tendency to make karir to those the leader introduces to the group.

An hour later they all showed up in front of Music 21 in Timog Avenue. They were in full force - The new couple, the leader and his new apprentice, and the married guy and Piolo. The pairings made the odd guy feel awkward so he reverted back to his soloflight/free-spirit mode. I guess things would have been easier if he was fine being with the married guy and his boylet. Since they had only met twice and had a history of revulsion toward one another, he felt almost an outsider.

Barrels of draft beer kept coming and going inside their small room. Food was everywhere but since the Odd guy had prematurely binged in a nearby fastfood restaurant earlier, hunger was never his concern. Later that night, another pair decided to join the group leaving the odd guy more unease with the people around him. Good thing the new pair were never couples - they were friends, perhaps with benefits. As song after song was being sung in the videoke, the more he fills his glass with beer. In the end, he just surrendered to the truth that he was alone.

I cannot deny that at that moment he was seeking any semblance of belongingness. He is not tough as most people would think. At the back of his head, probably he was cursing himself for not keeping a squad of boylets to choose from and tag along on occasions like this. He might have remembered another party, in another group, where there was literally a mad rush among the attendees to find someone to show at the event. Good thing, the odd guy was taken so despite showing up alone in the party, he can always tell his partner to pick him up.

This time, things were different.

Halfway through his stay at the videoke night, I noticed him staring at his phone more than the people around him. He was busy texting someone - perhaps his supposed to be pair for the night. I cannot really fathom what his thoughts were, but I'm sure he would have invited his new cyberfriend if it was appropriate to do so.

At past midnight, fates have overturned the relationship between the pairs. Drunk to the point of being a little rowdy, everyone was casting their eyes toward the pair of another. The married guy found one of the guys who arrived later a little more interesting than his boylet. His boylet, Piolo, was planning to make a move towards Ardent who sat quietly beside the leader. I would learn from the leader that Piolo actually asked Ardent if he could stay in his place the next morning. Pinuno was busy crooning to senti songs, which some of us never heard before. He seems contented finding his new junior. As for the couple who organized the gathering, they ended up doing a duet of the cheesiest love songs they could find in the song list. Days later, one of the couple would sought our help to look after his beloved while he resumes his projects out of the city.

Looking around, I found the odd guy staring at the mirror

whose eyes' reflection stared back at me.

He left early that night telling everyone that he's needed elsewhere. Since everyone felt how out of place he was, he was able to leave without much protestations.

I learned the following day that he chilled in a coffee shop somewhere in Katipunan, where after a half hour of waiting, found himself sliding in the front seat of a red Mazda 3 sportscar.

He might have endured an evening being the odd one out, but the night ended with him, having a pair of his own.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ridge Racer

Parked precariously beside a ridge somewhere along Sumulong Highway, the Red Mazda 3 bears witness to a promise. Seated in the front seat, I was just steps away from a steep drop below. Despite the seemingly precarious state I found myself in, the risk was well worth it.

In front of me was a panoramic view of Manila - sleeping yet sparkling under the sheets of a cold night. Rows upon rows of houses were twinkling below, while beyond, were glittering concrete skyscrapers silhouetted in the dark. Looking at the patterns of light - of roads and highways lit by lamp posts; of homes illuminated by tiny light bulbs perched on garages and front doors, one would see a web of interconnection. The lights reveal that everything under the same night sky fears being mislead by the darkness.

My heart was racing when I first set my gaze into the horizon . The person who accompanied me there may not have noticed it, but for a few seconds I had some difficulty catching my breath. "I've waited nine years for this," I sighed while fixing my gaze towards the direction of Ortigas. Suddenly, I felt the slow but continuous trickling of memories filling my head. At first, all I could remember were random images - blurry and difficult to recall. However, as I look farther into the city while listening to the humming of the wind and the chorus of insects gathered near the trees, everything became clearer to me.

The quiet recollection was interrupted by passing dump trucks moving at a crawling but roaring pace. They are heading to the quarries behind the hills. Occasionally, Patok jeepneys bound for Simbahan scurried behind us. They carried a handful of passengers, drunk and weary from the toils of work. Back in high school, the Patoks were stuff of legends. They were a perfect conversation piece whose notoriety in zigzagging along narrow stretches of Aurora Boulevard bore a stamp of experience. For us juveniles, to hitch a ride outside the jeep and endure the dizzying trip from Santa Mesa to Cogeo without clutching on the estribo was a rite of passage before gaining manhood.

I entered college still basking at the borders of my teenage existence.

A few sojourners on motorcycles made a brief stop-over near where the Mazda was parked. For fifteen minutes or so, they stood there enjoying the grand view of the city below. However, their loud and careless chatter interrupted my moment of nostalgia. I cannot remember what they spoke but as they begin to mount their bikes and continue their joyride, a flashback occurred to me.

Their voices echoed the slurry sounds I heard the first time I went to that place.

It was past midnight on a Saturday night. After a very lengthy party meeting at the university, we found ourselves in a convoy of vehicles heading toward the direction of Antipolo. I was in the company of students - scheming, political, and yet despite their manipulative inclinations within the party, they were leaders willing to serve for the good of the studentry. In those days, we were torn by inner strife between two rival philosophies. One was more transparent and democratic, and the other was close to being Orwellian. Searching for ways to unite the party, we found ourselves gazing towards the city lights while the same serene darkness surrounded us. Daybreak came but we never found the glow that would make us whole again. Yet, despite our bitter division, we were the office holders of the college student council for the next two years.

For some reasons, the same ridge became a testament to my dreams. I attempted to conquer my fears of driving just to be in that place with the one I will invite to keep me company. The thought of embracing the chilly silence, with only the same distant shimmering lights to bear witness to our moment of connection was the ultimate Emo moment I could imagine.

Nine years and I am still searching for that sense of connectivity.

And I still need to earn my driver's license.

But last night, it felt like the connection was almost there.

The brief respite took only an hour before reality sets in. Mom was insisting that I return home. My companion has work the following morning, and I, must detach myself from gazing too much at the distant skyscrapers because the longer I set my eyes on them, the more I am being reminded of how far the lights are,

and that some lights can never be mine.

"Tara, lets go home."

The key was turned on and the engine starts to rev. As the Mazda makes a U-turn to head back to the valley, I refused to turn my head and look back at the ridge we just left.

"There will always be a next time to dream and remember," I told myself. "What matters is that I never forget."

I arrived home safe, and slightly more hopeful of the future.

---

Photocredits:
Project Manila

Friday, January 16, 2009

Methods Of Suppression

Handa na sana ako sa isang one round ng hatawan bago matulog nang biglang mapansin ko ito:


Sino ba naman ang gaganahang magsibak niyan? Pakiramdam ko ay parang may naglagay ng Santo o kaya naman ay Bible sa harapan ng flat screen monitor habang nasa kalagitnaan ako ng panonood ng porn.

This is foul, you know that?

Makatulog na nga lang.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Kapitan and Pan

Fortune smiles to those who are true seekers of love.

This is the welcome message I use in my line of work. It never fails to encourage a response. In most cases, it opens doors that would lead to revelations of our clients' romantic longings. It welcomes thirsty wanderers searching for answers that would get them closer to their desires.

For months, the spiel was the song that allowed me to reach out and touch people's hearts. It never occurred that the same lines, which I had used on others, when used upon me would open the doors that would gently pat my long forgotten dreams.

How I wish, I could go back and start all over again.

"Kapitan, paano kayo nagsimula ni Kapitana?"

It was a harmless question directed to a friend from the Tripper's Clan. We know him as the Pirata, but another friend, Cholo_Dude had given him a new endearment. He is now known as the Kapitan, whose imposing presence had recently shaped how we conducted our affairs in the thread. We know each other in Pinoyexchange for years. However his elusive nature prevented me from knowing him deeper.

Until recently.

"Ganito, kasi di ba lima kami dati, si One, Ako, Biboy, Tsino and Pan," Kapitan replied.

"Uh huh.."

"Alam naman ng karamihan na si One ang gusto ko nun. crush lang naman."

In truth, I wasn't aware that they had their own circle. I was busy with my own conflicts that a mere invitation from the group we both belonged was enough to keep me at peace. I've heard rumors about them before - rumors that spread like wildfire, whose impressions leaned against Kapitan's reputation. Now that I was able to talk to him directly, these stories which blurred my vision and their circle can now be put to rest: Everything said about him was just mere fabrication.

"Then kahit pa alam ni One yun wala lang, barkada.. tapos si Pan shoti na tawag ko dun. kumbaga bunsong kapatid. tapos lagi sya tumatawag sa bahay namin. sya yung napagkkwentuhan ko madalas about One."

We know that attractions are bound to fail when it is not sustained or encouraged by the person we direct our feelings to. We also know that when we get tired of putting a person on the spotlight and then realize that he is not as unique as we thought him to be, we turn off the lights, pack up and then move on. This is what happened to Kapitan and One. As for him and Pan, their brotherly ties had taken a new direction - something, which both of them never expected to happen.

"One time kami na tinutukso dahil sobrang close namin. Napansin yun nila Tsino na ako naman natatawa kasi di ko naman alam pinagsasasabi nila."

"Hanggang ako mismo nagpuna sa sarili ko kung bakit nila kami niloloko."

I remember having a very close friend whose name is Yusuke. We were classmates in high school and we treated each other as mere acquaintances back then. For some reasons however, our friendship went deeper during our junior year in college. We may be studying in different universities, but we talked almost every night on the phone for hours. Our subjects ranged from Anime to the software he used in class. We talked about friends, school and other trivial things that crossed our mind. We occasionally talked about women, but in those days, we felt awkward having them as our subject. The reason for Yusuke might have simply been to avoid getting teased by her sisters.

For me, the future would tell why.

We went out almost every Fridays to see different places. Malls were our favorite spot for not only do we get to do some window shopping, we also get to check the pirated PC games that proliferated around us. We sometimes watched movies, dined in different restaurants, or when we have no money, we just stayed home to watch TV or let him do his homework on my computer.

Sometimes he would do a sleep-over just to keep me company as I finish my papers for school.

Despite our almost inseparable bond, Yusuke and I were never romantically connected. We would sometimes sleep in one bed, but the thoughts of stepping over the line never occurred to me - not even the thought of it. We were perfect companions and I wouldn't have asked for more. Only later, when I learned how homo-leaning our actions were did I realize that he could have been my first lover.

"Then one day jinoke namin sila na kami na ni Pan."

"Talaga?" I said with much astonishment.

"Tapos tuwang tuwa sila... pero joke nga lang. Then after nun sabi ni Pan na bawiin na raw namin yung joke."

"That time iba nafeel ko nung sinabi niyang bawiin namin."

"Di ko rin alam kung bakit biglang ganun na feel ko pero nalungkot ako."

Yusuke began entertaining the thoughts of having a relationship with a girl just when I was about to start mine. Things didn't matter then for I have always preoccupied myself chasing women. I was even seeing one at that time he courted his soon-to-be girlfriend. However, it was Yusuke's company that I enjoyed most. I get to look after him without being expected of me. We get to see places without worrying too much about the well-being of my company. Ours could have been a very ideal man to man relationship only if I knew there was such a concept. Looking back at his values and beliefs however, he would never accept such idea.

Back to Kapitan and Pan, their joke backfired. The Kapitan admitted that he had fun being his shoti's boyfriend - even if just for a moment. I may not imagine how twisted it would be to become your little brother's lover, but I feel the connection - the bond that would make you achieve a state of singularity only the two of you could appreciate. No wonder, he was hesitant to take back Pan's joke. Perhaps in those few moments of bliss, he finally found his true purpose toward his little brother. Maybe they are meant to have roles deeper than what they have established.

So when the game was over, Kapitan already felt different. Rather than addressing what he now felt, he pulled back and put some distance between him and his shoti.

"Ganun kasi ako eh. Di ako yung aggressive type."

"So what happened?" I asked.

"So ayun, iniwasan ko siya then napansin niya yun."

"Binabasura ko daw siya."

"Tapos?" The suspense is killing me.

"Then di ko kinaya na magpanggap kaya inamin ko sa kanya na meron akong nararamdaman na ayaw kong ituloy."

Had I have the balls to do as what Kapitan did, I would have saved myself from a lot of major heartaches and meaningless abandonment. But can I blame myself from veering towards back roads when ambiguity is my element? Can I blame myself for denying my emotions when history tells that I've been preceded by so many turn-downs in the past?

"Sabi niya, wag ko daw siya iwasan."

"Saka di naman daw niya ako hahayaang mahulog magisa."

Mag-isa. the last word that struck me deep. I found myself suddenly searching for any snippets of memory that would make me feel that I was never alone in my relationships - that my lovers did truly care for me. Maybe there were moments - rare and timeless ones. But now that they are muddled by my desire for something new; something that is closer to what Kapitan and Pan have, I systematically erased those moments from my memory banks.

Kapitan revealed to me more about his past this afternoon than in all the years we know each other. His relationship with Pan gifted him with insights that I still have to learn from my own experience.

"Dati sabi ko sa sarili ko, bakit ang dami kong naging ex," he began. "Bakit di kami tumatagal? Bakit lagi akong sinasaktan.. Pero ngayon narealize ko kung bakit nangyari sa akin yun. Isipin mo na lang na yang experience mo eh lesson para sayo. Yung failed relationships ang nagpreprepare sa atin bago natin mameet yung para sa atin talaga. Kung iisipin mo, kung tumagal pa yan lalo, mas matagal yung nasayang na panahon. In time malalaman mo kung sino talaga para sayo. Hindi sa panahon na masaya kayo, kundi sa panahon na almost gusto mo ng kumalas."

His words stunned me. Never did I think a person could be this brimming with insights when he is sharing his life with someone he truly loves. Now I understand why he has this authority over our other members in the clan. It is his brilliance that make people gather around him. It is his wisdom that convinced us to let him be the new Thread Founder of the clan.

---

Kapitan's story is just one of the several love stories I stumbled upon lately. His was full of promise, full of romance and full of hope for a relationship that some people find hard to believe that can work. His was a breathe of mentholated air, a warmth-giving hug on a cold lonely night, a full moon on a starless, cloudless sky which illuminates a silvery landscape used to the darkness of the night. In the course of our conversation, he told me a couple of times that he sees Pan more of a brother than his lover despite enduring the trials and tribulations of a two-year old relationship. A malicious mind could have simply interpreted his words as someone harboring some incest fantasies. Someone who sees beyond the veil could truly appreciate what they have achieved.

As I was talking to them last night over a chat conference, it became a source of confusion as to why Pan keeps calling someone Kuya when there was only me and the Kapitan chatting with him. Granted that I am the oldest among the two of them, Pan still sees me as his equal.

Only later did I find out who his Kuya really was.

"Kuya tulog na tayo. Sabay pa tayo magwowork-out mamaya."

"Sige offline na ako in a while. Paano Joms una na kami," the Kapitan said.

"Sige, good night sa inyong dalawa. Sa muling pag-uusap."

Fortune indeed smiles to those who are true seekers of love.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottom

Quiapo, 6:00 PM
Jollibee Hidalgo

Text Message Conversation:

---

Musta ka ate?

Ate! Ok naman. Ikaw?

Keri lang to pagala gala sa Quiapo hehe. Musta buhay may asawa?

Ok naman. Adjusting. Naprapraning pa ko. I wanna give up ata. Hahahaha.

Y naman?

Ayoko na ng gwapong partner. Nawawala ko sa tamang wisyo. Alam mo namang reyna ko ng insecure.

Jusku tambling ako sa drama mu. Kung keri mu naman e. Tsaka may ganda ka naman eh!

Hahaha. Ewan ku ba. Ayoko na magjowa. Manghada na lang ako forever ata

Ay no! Bka naman kc nakafocus ka sa looks nya at hindi sa mga shared things na pwede nyo magawa.

I don't trust him completely pa. I don't know.

Who said u can trust a person overnight?


---

His name is Roi. He is one of the first non-straight men I've met many years ago. We have known each other inside-out, that despite our masculine appearance toward the people around us, we are comfortable speaking in lingo to express our endearment for one another. For eight years, I've known how his relationships went. Most of them lasted for months, if not for weeks, and what is unique about his case is that he often breaks up with his partner long before we get to meet him ourselves.

Last November, we were able to see each other after months of no communication. He told me that he met this guy and he found him very interesting (and attractive as well). A month later, he told me through text message that they were seriously dating, and that he is planning to enter a relationship with him. I encouraged him to pursue the guy and wished him well.

They became a couple a few days before Christmas. Roi, due to his aversion for things that will put him in a shaky position, confided all his anxieties to me. I was open to giving him insights as to how to manage his relationship, but my friend is a proud person. He would never seek anyone's help unless he is out of options. Instead of discussing the more intimate matters of his new relationship, he sought my ideas as to what gift he would give to his new boyfriend or the cake he would buy to his lover's mother. That's what best friends are for.

Silence fell after New Year and it could go on until he makes his presence felt. However, since I was extremely restless this afternoon, I thought of checking him out for a change. So there was our conversation and what bothered me is his worries about his partner.

I found my exes better-looking than me. I may have insecurities about the way I looked and for a time, I feared that they will leave me for someone more gwapo or more payat than me. I was obese then. However, I knew that fears would never lead me into anything constructive. What I did was to push myself to give more attention, love and affection towards my exes. In both cases my efforts paid off. When I broke up with them, they realized what was lost.

My best friend is good-looking. I never doubted him when he tells me that he is dating someone who drives an SUV, or he met this hunky guy who would ask him to stay in his posh loft at the Fort for as long as he wants. In the years we grew up together, I tried to emulate him - including his ways and values - but at the end, I was left using my own tricks to wade across the world we both live. He will always be superior to me.

What disturbed me the most during our chat, was how the looks of his partner and the issues of fidelity made him feel so threatened that he wasn't able to see their potentials as lifetime companions. What he implied in his text was he sees only impermanence in relationships: That everything might break down with just a snap of one's finger and that he was willing to bolt out, rather than be the one being left behind.

I sat for around thirty minutes in one of the steps of Jollibee just to assure him that everything will be fine. What he needs is to give their relationship a little more time to mature. I would have told him to love without any reservations. However, remembering how he was able to meet and bed the men of my dreams, his secret was to play someone hard to get.

Putting myself in his shoes, I am most certain to face the same kind of dilemma once I do a full-throttle and seriously consider entering a relationship with a new guy. If someone as proud and good-looking as him would claim to be the "Queen of Insecurity", what more to someone as mediocre as me?

Confused and distraught at how his case made me a little elusive about relationships, I stood up, picked up my bag and walked towards the terminal to find the jeep that would take me home. I scuttled my plans of watching Benjamin Button alone, or meeting a friend for a coffee or light dinner. I also suppressed all the temptations to have an appointment with Kitsune somewhere in FB Harrison. It's been a year since we last met, and the unbearably cold weather forces me to see him and discuss my ways in the future.

There's no point in seeking... when there is nothing really to find out.

So I arrived home a little dissapointed.

But peace stays with me.

Love Birds

Minsan masarap mag-trip ng dalawang kaibigang nag-iibigan. Palibhasa'y may pagka-torpe ang dalawa, kailangan pa ng ikatlong gulong upang maipaabot ang nararamdaman ng isa para dun sa isa:

[21:12] Heartreb: eh ayun..
[21:12] Heartreb: ang lamig ngayon
[21:14] Mugen: hehe
[21:14] Mugen: sabihan mo [si nililigawan mo]
[21:14] Mugen: "ang lamig ngayon, sana ka-hug kita."
[21:14] Mugen: kikiligin yan
[21:14] Heartreb: hahaha
[21:16] Heartreb: [insert smiley face here]
[21:16] Mugen: nasabi mo na
[21:16] Mugen: online siya
[21:16] Mugen: hehehe
[21:17] Heartreb: hindi
[21:17] Heartreb: yoko nga
[21:17] Heartreb: hehehe
[21:17] Mugen: gusto mo ako magsabi
[21:17] Heartreb: kausap mo ba?
[21:17] Mugen: imamack ko siya
[21:17] Heartreb: wag na
[21:17] Mugen: sabihin ko na
[21:17] Mugen: hehehehehe

Nakakatuwang isipin na ilang buwan ang nakaraan nang ikumpisal sa akin ni Bato ang kanyang pagtingin kay Heartreb. Noong mga panahong iyon ay marami ang kaagaw ni Bato sa attensyon ng kanyang gusto. Hindi ko rin sigurado kung si Heartreb ba ay may gusto kay Bato. Ang mga maling diskarte na aming gagawin ay maaring mauwi sa pagkasira ng barkada. Nangyari na ito nang minsang tinulungan ko ang isa pang barkada na may pagtingin sa aming kaibigan na si Heartreb na hindi nag work out.

Kaya't nagpasya akong ilihim ang mga inamin sa akin noong gabing iyon.

[21:17] Mugen: sabi ni Heartreb kung pwede ka daw ma hug. Hehehehe.
[21:20] Bato: aha!
[21:20] Bato: hindi naman daw eh
[21:20] Bato: hehehe
[21:20] Bato: sandali lang joms ha

Buwan ang lumipas nang si Heartreb naman ang umamin sa akin. May pagtingin daw siya kay Bato subalit natatakot siyang hindi mapansin nito. Nang mga oras na iyon ay abot tenga ang ngiti ko sa labi. Who would have thought pareho nilang gusto ang isa't-isa subalit takot sa mga sasabihin ng kabarkada. Sa akin naman ay di bale na ang makasagasa ng mga kaibigang nakikipagagawan sa atensyon ng dalawa.

Basta ba tunay ang nararamdaman ng bawat isa, handa akong ipaglaban magkatuluyan lamang sila.

O Sabel this must be love!

Ako ang magiging matchmaker ng dalawa!

[21:46] Mugen: kaya nga
[21:46] Mugen: sabihin ko kay Heartreb hug mo rin siya?
[21:46] Mugen: hehehehe
[21:47] Bato: hahaha
[21:47] Bato: pwede rin
[21:47] Mugen: ^_^

Ilang araw bago sumapit ang kaarawan ko, muli kong tinanong si Bato kung mayroon pa rin siyang pagtingin kay Heartreb. Sumagot ng oo ang binata sa text. Ako naman ay nagsimulang gumalaw upang bigyang lakas ng loob si Heartreb magparamdam sa isa. Mabagal ang binata. Subalit dahil alam kong pareho nilang gusto ang isa't-isa kulang na lang na isigaw ko ng harapan.

"Crush ka ni Bato!"

"Gusto ka ni Heartreb!"

Ang nagpipigil lang sa akin ay ang kanilang karapatan na dumiskarte kung paano magkakaalaman ng pag-ibig sa isa't isa. It will be their moment at labas ako sa usapang iyon.

[21:47] Heartreb: hmmm...
[21:47] Heartreb: senti
[21:47] Mugen: hug ka daw ni
[21:47] Heartreb: hahaha
[21:47] Mugen: Bato
[21:47] Heartreb: Heartreb has buzzed you!
[21:47] Heartreb: wushu
[21:48] Mugen: [insert smiley face here]

***copy pasted from previous conversation

[21:46] Mugen: sabihin ko kay Heartreb hug mo rin siya?
[21:46] Mugen: hehehehe
[21:47] Bato: hahaha
[21:47] Bato: pwede rin

***

[21:48] Heartreb: hahaha
[21:48] Mugen: uyy nagblublush siya!~
[21:49] Heartreb: hehehe

Bisperas ng akinse, sa Christmas Party ng PEx muling nagsama ang dalawa. Kabilin-bilinan ko kay Heartreb na ihatid pauwi ng bahay si Bato. Ngisi lang ang isinukli sa akin ng mahiyaing binata. Naghahanap ako ng kasiguraduhan na gagawin niya ang plano ko kaya't tiningnan ko ito sa mata't sinabing

"Kahit pa-birthday mo na sa akin to bro."

Noong gabing iyon, halatang masaya ang dalawa. Magkatabi itong nakaupo sa isang sulok at waring walang nakikitang iba. Ako naman na nakikigulo noong mga oras na iyon ay walang kaalam-alam sa binabalak nitong si Heartreb. Didiskarte pala ang binata nang hindi sinasabi sa akin.

Sa isang laro kung saan ibibigay ng kalahok ang tsokolate sa kanyang crush, ibinigay ni Bato ang tsokolate kay Heartreb. Sa hiya ni Heartreb, binigay nito ang kanyang tsokolate sa isang kaibigan na dating may pagtingin sa kanya.

Subalit habang iniinterview ang Heartreb ng mga intrigerong hosts, kumabig ito at sinabi ang tunay na nararamdaman ng kanyang puso. Nabigla ang buong Pinoyexchange sa pagkanta ng binata.

Dahan-dahan daw itong lumapit sa microphone, ayon sa mga saksi. Nangangatal ang boses at nanginginig ang kamay, ito daw ang mga linyang binitawan ng binata: "bago ko sagutin yan [isang intrigang binato ng mga host] gusto ko lang ipaalam sa inyong lahat na nagsinungaling ako kanina at hindi ko binigay yung chocolate sa crush ko. Gusto ko yun ibigay kay Bato dahil siya ang crush ko."

Palakpakan ang lahat ng tao. Hindi naman makapaniwala ang mga may lihim na pagtingin sa dalawang binata.

Samantalang ako ay inabot ng isang linggo bago malaman ang mga naganap noong gabing iyon. Ingratang mga love birds yan.

Mag-iisang buwan na matapos ang pag-amin ni Heartreb kay Bato. Nagkaroon na rin ng pagtanggap mula sa mga taong naging bahagi ng nakaraan ng dalawa. Tingin ng marami ay exclusively dating ang dalawa. Pakiramdam ko naman ay nagkakahiyaan sina Bato at Heartreb sa isa't isa.

Anuman ang aming mga kuro-kuro, hangad namin ang kasiyahan nilang dalawa.

Hindi ko alam kung sadyang pailalim lang dumiskarte itong si Heartreb. Malihim at mahiyain kasi ito. Ngunit dahil ako ang may pakana kung bakit naging malinaw ang ugnayan nila ni Bato, ginawa ko na ring karir ang subaybayan ang takbo ng kanilang kwentong pag-ibig.

Kasing edad ko si Heartreb. Si Bato naman ay bata sa amin ng ilang taon. Bilang matanda, si Heartreb ang higit kong ginagabayan kung paano popormahan si Bato. Inaasahan ko rin naman na siya ang gagabay dito sakaling maging magkasintahan sila.

Dalawang beses na ako sumuong sa pag-ibig. Marami rin akong ginawa upang mag-work out ang mga ito. Sa dinami-dami ng aking karanasan sa pagpapaabot ng pag-ibig sa minamahal, ito ring mga paraang ito ang siyang binubuhos ko upang mapaglapit ang mga taong nagkakamaling humingi ng payo sa akin.

[21:56] Mugen: don't hesitate to ask me questions
[21:56] Mugen: how to make him fall for you.
[21:56] Mugen: ipapasa ko lahat ng alam ko.

Sana magkatuluyan sila.

---

So close to reaching
That famous happy end.
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...

- Jon McLaughlin, So Close

Sunday, January 11, 2009

The Hip Hugger

Just maybe, at a very young age, mother taught us to be very touchy with those who mean to us. We grew up learning that assurances come from a tight hug or a snuggle from those we love. An ex once lamented on an SMS message that he enjoyed sleeping beside me because he felt secured whenever my arm was on his waist. He was right, for when I sleep at night, the same arms which are elusive to body contact during the day would be clutching something or I may never find the rest my body desires.

It would be another night - cuddle-less, restless, and longing for some warm soft body I would wrap my arms around as I fall into deep slumber. The pillow could offer a temporary relief, but who finds sincere pleasure in something that can never return the affection you are willing to give?

Hook-ups abound and I could trade a chance to get laid for one precious hug. But really, would it fill my desire knowing that it was born out of lust?

Maybe I'm just drunk so these thoughts run amok inside my head.

When I return to the gym later, I will make sure to seek the best exercise possible to firm my arms. The body can do on it's own with the seemingly endless deadlifts, benchpresses military presses and squats to sculpt it according to its specifications. However, the goal now is to pack-up as much bulk to that body part that expresses my affection towards someone.

Because the next time my arms cuddle the person it truly feels; the next time I'd get to invite a living being to sleep over and lie beside me in bed, I will make sure it's not just intimacy or lust it will show.

My arms will subtly reveal that it can lay down every part of its muscle; every firmness that it has

To the one, who might have already snatched my heart.

---

Mom told me this morning that Phanks showed up late last night. He gave away company give-aways for my mom and my sister to use.

Good thing I wasn't around. Good thing, I'm always out of the house.

For it would upset me more to see him, knowing we're both trying to pull ourselves out of the rut.


Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Salt Doll

There was a salt doll who lived in the mountains. She was a curious little doll and loved to travel and explore. One day, she decided to embark on a long journey. She wandered through the dales, seeing new places and having all kinds of adventures. Then, she came to a place she had never seen before. It was the edge of the sea. She was fascinated by the surging mass of water.

“What are you?” she asked.

“Touch me, and you will find out,” the sea replied.

So the little salt doll dipped her toe into the sea. It felt so good! But when she withdrew her toe, it was no longer there!

“What have you done to me?” she cried.

“You have given something of yourself in order to know,” answered the sea.

The little doll remembered the lovely feeling and was curious to know the sea a bit better, so she dipped her foot. It felt so good! When she withdrew her foot, however, it was no longer there. In some inexplicable way, she felt very good about it. So she continued going further and further into the sea, losing more and more of herself, all the while understanding the sea more deeply.

As the wave broke over the last bit of her, the salt doll was able to cry out, “Now I know what the sea is.

It is I!”

---

For Mami Athena
Happy Birthday!

Friday, January 9, 2009

High

It all began with a video footage on Bandila two nights ago.

While everyone at home waited for any news about the high-profile drama surrounding the Alabang Boys and their busted drug syndicate, news about the Feast of the Black Nazarene splashed on the TV Screen. It was an anti-climactic turnaround of events especially for me, whose longing for real-time drama revealed how monotonous my choice of programming is late at night. The news spoke of preparations being done by the local city government of Manila for the expected deluge of devotees for the procession. It was also reported in the news that many devotees actually spend the night at the Basilica to welcome the massive statue as it is being pulled away from the altar towards the plaza and into the streets of Quiapo, where the flock scrambles to rub their towels and handkerchiefs on the icon.

The news about the all-night vigil stirred my curiosity. The thought of being with a group of pilgrims clad in Maroon who walked bare-footed going to the Basilica while carrying small statues of the Black Nazarene did not escape my thirst for something extraordinary. It may not be as thrilling as the Alabang Boys Scandal, but it is an excuse to be in Quiapo during the ungodly hour of the night.

I could just imagine the things I would find out as I join the devotees out there.

It was past midnight when I left the gym. Tired and exhausted from a heavy work-out, heading home to get some rest was an easy choice. However, the Feast of the Black Nazarene is a once-in-a-year event. I may not be given a chance to witness it the next time it happens. Icy raindrops continued to pour down as I waited for a jeep that will take me to Quiapo. The heaving skies implied that my pilgrimage would not be as easy as I hope it would be. Inside my head, I see images of people all over the city converging around the Basilica. Frosty drizzles may dampen their huddled bodies but it will never drench their pious spirit.

However, it was not the image that greeted me when I arrived in Quiapo half an hour later. What I saw was a gay pageant being held on a rickety platform just a few streets across the Basilica. The Maranao traders may have retreated back to their tiny pigeon holes but it was the homeless who crouched in fetal position as they slept on mats splayed across the deserted pavement.


These depressing scenes did not stop me from pushing towards my destination. When I emerged from the sleepy side of the Lacson Underpass, throngs of people approached me from all sides. They were traders selling icons, religious booklets, scapulars and even handkerchiefs with the image of the Poon imprinted on both sides. Flames remained ablaze on several stalls, whose trade is to sell a bundle of candles in different colors for well-wishers to burn. The sight was quite disappointing; for I see these images every time I pass by the Basilica. It was the human drama I wished to see in that place. Unfortunately, everything was as mundane as the last time I found myself there.

As I think of ways to make the most out of my time outside the Church, I mingled with the vendors whose lives have been interwoven with the affairs of the Nazareno. Most of them were resentful after the new parish priest decreed that the celebrations should be done at Luneta instead. They were expecting the traditions to go on - despite the yearly casualties that sometimes take lives during the procession. Much as I wanted to welcome the changes initiated by the Basilica authorities, I cannot help but consider how the break in tradition would affect the essence of the festivities.

Something will be lost and it would most likely be the spirit of the occasion.

The chit-chat went on until a minor skirmish between two vendors broke out on the other side of the plaza. Fearing that a riot might erupt anytime soon, I sought refuge inside the Basilica. There I found the devotees seated next to each other on pews and on the floor while doing their personal acts of veneration towards the Nazareno.

I walked past aisles, but there was no seat available. The pews were occupied by children soundly asleep while their adult companions fanned themselves as they stared blankly at the altar. Meanwhile, the old folks, whose timeless tradition they hold to even at the twilight years of their lives offer a glimpse of what human continuity could achieve: Decades from now, it would be their children who would be kneeling and clutching their rosaries, while their children's children would be the one sleeping on those same nearly-immortal pews.

I sat near the lectern and turned my head towards the pious parishioners facing me. They were the ordinary folks - the Masa crowd who often flock the Basilica during ordinary days. They were not the rich and middle-class parishioners who pay a visit at my favorite convent in Katipunan to write prayers on a piece of paper and then offer a basket of eggs to tempt the heavens to grant their supplications.

Unzipping my bag, I took out the rosary, the prayer booklet and the Bible which I bring wherever I go. The past twelve months have been transforming that I learned to keep my peace not by going to parties or engaging myself in sexual affairs, or engaging learned people about the values of our generation. I found serenity in reciting prayers passed on to me by my mother when I was still a kid. It is faith that holds me in place and whenever I find myself in a house of prayer, I take every opportunity to get in touch with my spirituality no matter what other people would think.

My fingers began to feel the wooden beads despite having no prayer intentions in mind. As I looked around for one last time before shutting my thoughts and turning myself inwards, what I still see were faceless people seating, kneeling and praying in front of me.

Bible passages were read, as each succeeding sorrowful mysteries drew me closer to that self fulfillment I seek. As the last of the Holy Mary's were being recited, I knew that my journey was coming to an end. This Pilgrimage will go down as one of the highs of this year. After doing the sign of the cross, I picked my bag and left the Basilica without ever getting noticed. Devotees were still coming in, while outside, traders braved the unbearable freezing temperature to sell trinkets that would remind non-believers of how profitable religion is.

It was time to go home. The Pilgrimage had restored my faith. It doesn't matter if the Nazareno truly answers prayers or heal the sick; I already have my goals. However, it seems like the Source was not over with me yet. Something is about to unfold and it would truly make my expedition as spiritual as it could be.

I remember reading a passage in the Book of Matthew while reciting my prayers earlier. It speaks of the messiah telling his listeners about his father wanting not sacrifices to offer but kindness for all his creations. For some reasons I made a mental note of that passage, only to find out what it truly meant while walking pass snoozing bystanders slumbering beneath the cold, lonely underpass.

As I was about to climb the steep flight of stairs leading to Hidalgo Street, a young woman clutching an infant approached me. She was asking for spare change. Feeling the contents of my pocket, what I found was a bunch of coins worth eight pesos. It was all the money I have left. I knew it wasn't enough for the lady and her infant. To apologize or pretend that I did not hear anything was an easy choice. However, coming from a very personal communion with the almighty, leaving her ignored and abandoned will take away the essence of my journey.

On my right hand was a half-filled bottle of Cobra Energy Drink I bought from a convenience store not far from the Basilica. It was the only thing I could offer. Extending my hand, I asked if she would like to have my drink instead. Without hesitation she smiled and took the bottle away like a thirsty wayfarer taking a break from a long and difficult trek she had to overcome. Her acceptance gave me a sense of relief. "Finally a good deed done after receiving the good news," I told myself. As I bowed to the lady before I left, a moment's glimpse suddenly blurred my vision.

It felt like the encounter sums up everything I did in Quiapo.

The devotees may spend a day and a night reciting the most poetic words to venerate their icons. They can form a line as far as the eyes could see just to wipe a statue whose miracles according to legends could bring fortune and healing to the sick. The Feast of the Nazarene is a religious event for those who believe and those who wish to believe.

I recall the beginnings of my journey towards the end of it; when a lady carrying a child approached me begging for alms. I responded not by offering food or money but by giving her my drink. In that small act, I discovered that the fulfillment I seek was not inside the Basilica or in the wooden beads which my fingers run for almost an hour.

Hours after arriving home, the smile on that thirsty lady's face remains deeply embedded on my head. Words were never spoken, but when our hands held together the plastic bottle I was giving her, it was almost like meeting the lady and the child whose image appears in front of my prayer booklet.

And whose assurances I sought when prayers were spoken from my lips.

When our hands held close, it was the only time I truly felt complete.