Soul Searching Ermita

Even dreams and reality falls under the same sun. (Baywalk, Roxas Boulevard)


They say, this small pathway fills with pilgrims at 5 in the morning. Would I become a pilgrim someday? (US Embassy Ermita, Manila)


For in their smallness, they have found a sanctuary at the heart of a lost city (Luneta Park, Manila)

Birth Pains

I went to the hospital this afternoon to visit a colleague who had a miscarriage last night. She is one of the two girls who are pregnant in my shift, whose boyfriend is also working in the morning shift. I remembered last year, these two couples were just new to the company. The girl was still quiet while the guy acts like the floor is a huge playground where he and his best friend could run and horse around when the supervisor is away.

But things happened so fast. The speculation (which I actually invented after I saw the guy following the girl heading to Megamall after work) turned out to be true. They were really in a relationship and the boy gradually toned down with his kiddie activities. The girl soon showed her dominant personality as the seats in the company multiplied. Eventually, she became known for her very spectacular temperament that even the team leaders would comment about how aggressive she had become especially when her tummy began to bulge.

For some time, her strong personality sparked some of the most controversial bulletin messages in Friendster, which became a source of fireside chat sessions between me and the "babaylan" early in the morning.

But despite her colorful and controversial life, I never heard anything against me from her, nor from her boyfriend. As far as I know, they showed me respect even when I'm caught in her little not-so-private wars. And when she became pregnant, I was one of those who encouraged her to be strong and health conscious. Unlike the other girl who is pregnant as well (which also has a legendary personality that rivals the girl in this entry), my sympathies and concerns are with hers and her devoted boyfriend.

---

Early this morning, a colleague was roaming around the floor asking for donations from everyone. She told us that this girl had a miscarriage and needed our assistance. Good thing, I borrowed a hundred bucks from my mom which I haven't spent yet. Without consulting my kuripot instincts, I gave her my entire baon. After all, I could have been a ninong of their first born.

When the news of her miscarriage started to spread out. A colleague sent me an IM message on my computer asking for details. I told her that the reason for her miscarriage - according to those who recieved the news from the source is because of stress - a stress she created unknowingly for herself.

The colleague understood what I meant. After all, this girl is well known in the QA circles as the "watchdog" of the department. Her observations about other's work are so remarkable sometimes, the people in the QA wonders whether her constant "vigilance" is her stress reliever during these moody times. They all agree that perhaps this is her way of expressing what the doctors call, her "birth pains."

I asked the floor whether someone would pay her a visit after our shift ended. Nobody answered. It seems like everybody is preoccupied with their activities that not even her own circle will rush to the hospital to support her.

And that compelled me to spend the whole afternoon walking along UN Avenue just to reach the place where she is confined.

---

She was sleeping alone when I arrived at the maternity ward.

I was actually expecting her family to be at her side. But since her mother was still recovering from an operation performed to her last week, the only person who was with her all the time is her boyfriend.

She woke up shortly after I have settled beside her bed. With a faint smile, she greeted me, obviously surprised by my presence. I told her to rest and recover. She asked me if I was with our other colleagues. I told her that I went to he hospital alone. She asked me then if I saw her boyfriend downstairs. I told her, I proceeded directly to her ward without asking anybody. (The girl who was going around collecting help mentioned the room and the hospital where she was staying.) Then she closed her eyes once again, perhaps remembering the things that happened in the delivery room last night.

---

It turns out that she was already experiencing tummy pains at work yesterday. But she thought that it was just because of excess gas so she went through with her work without bothering anyone with her concerns. When she arrived at home later that afternoon, the tummy pain intensified. She also began to feel something hard and firm near her waist. She told it to her mom, who said not to panic until there appears blood spots over the passage area. When this happen, she must be rushed at the hospital the soonest possible time.

Nevertheless she told her boyfriend to pack his things for they will be spending the night at the hospital. The blood spots which she feared appeared shorty before his boyfried arrived at his place. They arrived at the Manila Medical Center several hours before midnight. By 2 am, the infant, which is just 5 months old came out of her, dead.

It was already dead inside her womb for two days, before her body rejected it.

The cause of the infant's fatality was very technical. To comprehend such cause, she explained to me that her womb constricted and it suffocated the child.

---

Her boyfriend arrived 30 minutes after I came. He was busy processing the discharge papers so that they could leave the hospital tonight. I saw in his eyes the lack of sleep since the night before. But like he always does, he appeared cool even under sever stress. For a 22 year old man, I was so impressed at his dedication and responsibility not only as the father, but also as a boyfriend to my colleague.

The girl colleague and I talked about a lot of things about her life. We talked about her brother who used to be my amiga back when he was still working at the company. We also talked about her previous jobs such as working in Jollibee and becoming a text operator long before our company had its present clients.

One thing good about doing a surprise and solitary visits is that I get to know more about the person I am paying a visit. The last time I did such a feat is when a colleague's father died due to stroke. This operator is known for having his "own world" in the floor. He never talks nor socialize to anyone except with Mami Athena. But during the two hours we were having a conversation during his father's wake, I've learned almost everything about his and his family's tragic past.

---

Shortly before six pm, her boyfriend returned and their release papers were already signed and processed. The girl and I have talked so much, that I have even learned that the medical workers in that hospital where she is confined work for 36 hours with just power naps for breaks, and without any day-offs during the week. I've also learned that we earn more compared to Jollibee Managers who toil the fastfood chain day and night And lastly I learned that some heartless parents just dump their babies elsewhere after it died prematurely in the hospital. I found this out after the head nurse asked the couple to sign a waiver that says the hospital will not be liable after the child has been released from its premises.

The boyfriend, which my girl colleague fondly calls "husband" thanked me for the last time for paying them a visit. As I walked down the hall and into the stairway, I've realized how much I have to learn from this guy which I used to see as a kid whenever we are at the floor. Today in the hospital, I saw how much he had changed - and such changes disturbed me, for I doubt whether I could endure his challenge when its my time to be tested.

I used to claim that I am ready for fatherhood. But this guy, bluntly implied to me that I would never be ready for one.

Unless I have seen and felt my own child - especially in such circumstances he had to endure.

Motherly

I asked a cousin to tell us a story about his most depressing experience while on duty in the hospital. You see, this cousin of mine is a Medical Student and knowing how depressing it is sometimes to work in such environment, he sure got a couple of sad stories to tell.

---

It happened when he was assigned in the delivery room of a government hospital. Unlike in most private and expensive hospitals in the country, the conditions in the public ones were mostly far from being adequate. There was this early forties lady who was currently having a labor. Compared to other soon-to-be mothers in the room, hers was a complicated one. She was the loudest and the most vocal patient to complain about the excruciating pain she is experiencing while giving birth. Her voice was so loud and irritating that the attending resident shouted at her since the resident thought that the woman was merely acting up because of her labor.

However, the woman continued screaming not only because of the pain but she was also having a difficulty breathing as well. To give birth at her advanced age entails a lot of complications, which the attending doctors would soon find out.

After several hours of continuous labor, the attending physicians decided to perform a Caesarian operation on the woman. The operation went well... however the infant began showing signs of fetal distress. Almost immediately, the infant's heartbeat began to slow down until it was no longer visible. The residents performed several resuscitation attempts which all failed. As soon as the infant was delivered, it was pronounced dead.

---

The woman regained consciousness soon after while the physicians were closing the last remaining stitches on her tummy. Her first words were according to my cousin was, "nasan na ang baby ko?" while showing signs of severe weakness. "mommy, sorry po..." were the only words the residents could reply to her. The mother immediately knew what happened. It turns out that she's been waiting for the child after 22 years of attempting to have one.

Soon after, her vital signs plummeted. For no reason at all, it simply destabilized. Everyone in the delivery room began to panic. As others performed revival procedures to her, some were continously monitoring her response. The woman fortunately stabilized after and while recovering, my cousin decided to take a nap after a very toxic night in the delivery room.

He woke up 30 minutes after as the entire department was showing signs of emergency. The same woman who they revived earlier showed vital signs of near zero. Once again, the doctors performed revival procedures, which her body doesn't respond to. Since most of the physicians who were present were already showing signs of fatigue attending her, my cousin who just woke up was asked to continue performing the resuciation to revive her.

In his thoughts, he kept on remembering the resident who shouted at the woman he is reviving while she was having a labor several hours ago. As he pictured in his mind how the woman waited nine months and 22 years only to loose the child at the very last moment made him realize that it wasn't the complication alone that lead to the sudden failure of the woman's vital signs - it was the lack of reason to live that made her shut down all her body functions and surrender herself to her weakening condition.

What made him sad was the fact that perhaps the woman might have arrived in the hospital all excited for the moment she would see her child. Perhaps she even made a great deal of preparation in welcoming her child in this world.

After so many attempts in reviving her, the authorities declared the woman dead. It turns out that the reason why she was screaming and complaining that she can't breathe before was because of a rare and very fatal obstetric complication. Apparently, her amniotic sac burst and the fluids went to her bloodstream that blocked the blood going to her lungs.

Although my cousin had not directly attended the patient while she was still having a labor, it was his first true experience of loosing a patient while on duty. What made him feel guilty was he joined the group of residents who "told" the woman to calm down, in a very unheartwarming way. His mother, who is a surgeon said after that the complications of the woman who was supposed to give birth has no cure or prevention. It happens at random, very rare and always fatal.

She further added that in Tagalog, there is this saying that says "kapag nanganganak ang isang babae, ang isang paa nito ay laging nasa hukay." The story which my cousin experienced was a perfect, face to face example of that saying.

---

As I reflected on it while on my way home after our reunion this evening, I cannot help but ask myself why some kids got the nerve to treat their mothers in a very negative light. I wonder, after hearing what my cousin experienced while on duty in the delivery room, could they ever treat their mother in the same way again?

Honestly, mine has changed forever. Good thing, I've been quite a good kid ever since.

At The Docking Station (Final Act)

Last Flight Out



Waking dreams
In the lull of my
sleep, I dreamt
of her lying on
her bed.
Her skin around
her hands had turned
ash and her
lips, which were
once red had now become
dry, sagging
and grey.

People around her
have already wasted
tears ever since
she had turned to this -
a shell waiting for the
time to be released.
But it seems like
it's rainy season
in everyone's tear duct.
Tears never stop
falling for a beloved
who is already being missed.

In my dreams
there was a lingering
confusion. Nobody
knew if she had already passed away
or some life-force,
still remained.
After all, she
had turned into a cyborg.
Cyborgs only die
when they
are shut off.

And with this thought
in mind, the folks were
divided. Some of them
who were from the western worlds
believed that in order for
her to have peace, they should
turn off the cyborg part of her.
Those whose root
remained home wanted
a clean and graceful
exit...

But how can she have
a prim and proper bow when
her entire mouth was filled
with tubes?
How can she become a diva
when her very diaper
reeked with wastes coming
from her toxic bloodstream?

In the enlightenment
of some medicine men.
We were told that
it's proper to wait.
After all, nobody
barges through the main
gate, when the airplane
hasn't docked yet.

And so, we waited.
and begged for the
saints, the angels
and even the demons
hiding inside our hearts
to let her go.

She had endured
so much already.

After all,
her matriarchal soul
showed us the strength
of our blood.
Nobody ever thought
she would last this long,
even with the aid of
countless vials hanging
on top of her death bed.

Then, in the time
of our Lord's death
this afternoon.
A call was made
that woke me up
from my dream.

It was my mom.

She told me,
lola was granted
the key
to enter the doors
of heaven.

She finally got
her peace

At The Docking Station (Act Two)

Cyborg




And so, this is
how modern medicine
works: Doctors
prescribe medicines
that would regulate blood
pressure.
Countless fluids
passing through catethers
prolonging a life
that should have drifted
away.

Pacemaker makes
the heart beat that
even though the mind
is trying to shut itself already,
the muscle pumps toxic blood
that supplies oxygen
from the ventilator -
her artificial lungs
ever since her own
had collapsed.

Food passes through a
series of tubes that
now threatens to
occupy her entire sagging
mouth, her swollen hands
are already full of tiny
red holes from countless injections
and needle penetrations
no thanks to the ubiquitous
medical tests that must be
performed to her tired body.

Her kidneys had long
failed A dialysis machine
could do the trick...

but what for?

All we have now
is a souless zombie
destined to wait forever

Unless we give
her peace.

At The Docking Station (Act One)

Terminal



And so, the final days
have begun.
Like an nervous
family bidding a member
best wishes before
boarding the airplane,
we have gathered
to bid our goodbyes
and say our final thanks
and congratulations
for a life well lived... here

and a blissful life waiting ahead.

Like in a passenger lounge
of no return, we huddled
like soon to be orphans
for a mother that would
be leaving; heading
in a direction closer and
yet far away from home.

Who would have thought
saying goodbye is easy?
Who would have thought
the luggages would be this
heavy?

In a few moments
the carrier would be
docking and she
would be on her way
towards the airplane,
passing through the
main gate and into the
ticket booths.
Going to the immigration
office and waiting for
the last clearance
before she gets permission
to enter the final door.

And so, the final
days have begun
and here we are,
waiting for her flight
to be announced,

waiting in a
terminal full of emptiness.

Vigil

I.

Midnight.

Silence echoes through the long lonely corridor that serves as the lounge for people holding vigils for ICU patients. Opposite my bench is a small door that leads to the room where my lola's frail body lies.

Being the family member to hold the vigil for the night, I would have to fend off sadness and boredom alone in that silent corridor. My mom was even concerned that I might sleep and forget my duties, while my lola falls in the brink of "passing over". But since everybody was quite confident (and relieved) that someone from the "kids generation" volunteered to watch over her, they turned over the responsibility to me as they slept and rested in their respective homes.

II.

My first order for the night was to actually scout for cuties who were also staying overnight. Aside from being constantly reminded of the erotic stories I've read or heard involving medical staffs in hospitals, I also need to at least talk to someone in order to avoid getting sleepy. Staying overnight, alone and restless in a place one would least wanted to be should at least make an effort to divert ones thoughts from being negative to neutral, if not irrelevant.

Speaking of cuties, there was this one semikal guy from the bench not far from mine. He is around 5 ft. 7, moreno, lean and had small cute eyes. He was also staying overnight to look after her mom who had been to surgery after suffering from Cerebral Aneurysm.

After having a chit chat with her husband. I found out that it happened while they were having aerobics session in CCP that same morning when my lola suddenly slumped on her bed. In fact, she was just a couple of beds away from where my Lola lied when she was rushed in the ER.

III.

The interesting guy was 26 years old. He is currently unemployed but his father said that he helps run the family business. Actually, he was not that attractive. Maybe, the reason why he caught my attention is because we are the youngest people in that room last night.

A couple of times, I tried to approach him. But being proud and embarassed at the same time, I just decided to ignore him. This morning, when I woke up, I caught him staring at me. Then when he passed in front of me, he showed some nice gestures recognizing my presence.

Perhaps it would be the last time I would see him and his beautiful relatives for we found out that his mother would be prematurely disharged from the ICU.

Her chances of surviving has already fallen beyond hopeful levels...

IV.

The temperature was extremely chilling that it made some of the guests beside me complain about the bitter cold air. My mom and my sister kept me company until close to midnight.

Before they left, the attending physician informed them that despite aggressive efforts to save our lola, the blood had spread in all directions of her brain, which rarely happens in terms of medical cases.

It was said that despite utmost care and medication, she will only have less than 2 days to live.

Two days to wait before my last uncle arrives from the states.

V.

Looking back, it wasn't really as painful as everyone would imagine. At 84, she had succesfully become the matriarch of the entire clan. She had lived long enough to see most of her children, nieces, nephews and even grandchildren have families and become successful in their respective careers.

She had a life well lived, and despite her complete blindness and advance stages of Alzheimer's disease, she remained strong and healthy for an old woman thanks the the vitamins and food supplements given to her by her children.

Her imminent passing was not really a surprise for us. The signs, warnings and dreams were already present. All that matters is the time of her passing.

A day before she was rushed in the ER, Lola told her bestfriend-neighbor that she would have to pack her things as soon as possible because she was finally leaving, whether my aunt approves it or not. Her friend, who was an elderly woman like her thought that it was one of her typical rhetorics about leaving my aunts house and moving back to her old home in Sta. Mesa.

But what's really scary was that after figuring out all her claims of leaving, of moving out of her aunt's house, and her desires of going back to her old home; one would see a gradual build up of her desire to leave. That this passing was already in place for a very long time.

We are still waiting for two more relatives to arrive from the United States. The first one would arrive tomorrow at 4 am, the final one might arrive the same day, only 16 hours later.

After that... maybe, it's time to finally say

Goodbye.

In Her Peace

We thought that she was just sleeping... that it was just a mere deep sleep she's going through.

For 24 hours, we patiently waited, prayed and hoped that one moment she would just open her eyes and wonder where she was and what happened to her.

After all, the doctors haven't had the slightest idea about her illness. All the laboratory test leads to normalcy. And with that thought in mind, the mood in the hospital was cheerful, if not optimistic.

We waited and waited... until the dreams were turning into nightmares. It was already past 24 hours and her condition remained the same. It never changed.

Come Saturday afternoon, I woke up late since I went out with my college straight friends for a reunion. I partied that entire night just to divert my thoughts away from sadness.

My sister and I were planning to leave home early so that we could be there to keep our aunt company. At that moment, we were advised by my mom that our lola would be transferred to the ICU if things would stay the same.

The thought of staying in the ICU delayed our departure from home. My reasoning tells me that maybe we would never have a place to stay. Perhaps, there were a lot of relatives over there. Besides, such place still bears some painful wounds in me. A year is not enough for some past to be forgotten that easily.

So instead, after eating our lunch, we went back to do our own affairs. I played Civilization 4 till late in afternoon; until the game made me sleepy from playing it.

My mom arrived from her meeting in the evening. She and my sister immediately prepared to leave, while I made up an excuse just to see Phanks since we haven't seen each other for a week. I told my mom that I would pay a visit to the Nazareno to pray for my grandmother.

---

In the church, my mind was in disarray. I tried to focus while praying but I wasn't really paying attention to what I'm saying. My mind tells me that her time to leave is at hand.

That the Almighty is seriously thinking of calling her back, so that she would not suffer anymore.

One hour after my mom and my sister arrived in the hospital, I found myself at the very doors of the ICU. They were teary eyed when I saw them at the corner. Before that, my aunt forewarned me that my lola's condition turned worse. She had already oxygen tube inserted on her throat to help her breathe better.

---

The whole ICU room was depressing. Sometimes, I still wonder how those people over there cope up with the fact that the place is a manifestation of sadness and loneliness here on Earth. Patients come, most them leave covered be a white blanket over their body. The ICU lounge wasn't a relief either: A designated elbow room space at the sides of the ICU itself. Some dearly companions stay there to hold a vigil, most stay to relax and take a deep breath before proceeding to the room to see loved ones in their most frail and sorry state.

If only they play classical music in that place. Perhaps, it would strike a balance between sadness and peace.

We left before midnight to pick up my sister who decided to pay a visit at a nearby Derma Clinic. We arrived home way past my bedtime. Good thing, I had enough sleep to wake up at 5 am in the morning.

---

The sun came and silence prevailed in the family. The routine was already drawn up when suddenly at around 11 am in the morning.

The news broke out.

My lola suffered a massive bleeding on her brain at 3 am in the morning.

For several weeks, she compained that her life nowadays has been a misery to her. Being blind, and suffering from advanced signs of Alzheimer's Disease. It seems like a prayer has been answered.

Lola, won't wake up anymore.

While She Is Sleeping

I was in a state of waking dreams when the news arrived to me.

It was about my grandmother. My sister told me that she was just merely asking for a glass of warm milk, when suddenly her caregivers saw her slumped on her bed. It appears she was sleeping but whenever they try to wake her up, she simply doesn't respond.

Fifteen minutes into infinity, the news started to spread out. One of my aunts could not believe what happened, for hours earlier, she was as active as a goat, or a cow, or whatever animal that could describe her frail but active state.

My mom's sister who is in charge of taking care of her was already on her way back home. She is a doctor, so at least the hassles in getting into a hospital and even into admission was taken care of.

As the nation celebrated the victory of a hero, we were on the verge of a frantic state. Maybe the only consolation to everything that is happening was that, at least my grandmother appears to be sleeping. There were no traces of throwing off or an obvious appearance that she just had a stroke.

When we arrived at the emergency room at around lunch, we find her still sleeping... and unconcious. The doctors, couldn't find any apparent problem when they diagnosed her. It appears that she was just in a "deep sleep" and nothing more.

---

However, the hospital where she was admitted still bears some of the most painful memories I've ever had recently. It was the same emergency room where my dad briefly stayed, and proclaimed serious... before he was transferred to PGH only to pass away days later.

It was the same hospital where my mom was rushed after she had an accident in our bathroom hours before my 23rd birthday.

And the time of our arrival was also the same time we arrived only to wait for the ambulance that was carrying my dad.

The memories remain, but for some reasons, I am calmer and less upset than the last two episodes I had with the same place.

---

Now, it's been eight hours already and still she is "sleeping."

No matter how we try to wake her up, she just responds slighty, but there is no apparent and clear response that she is already concious.

Still, the doctors are conducting test to find out what happened. It might be a small stroke, but there's no concrete proof to support that. Maybe something else had happened.

But whenever I remember what my mom told me several days ago. When I remember how her mother complained that she is already tired of her life, her old age, her fragility.

I cannot help but think, she's already up for some good rest.

It may not be a permanent one, but still her body needs to cope up.

Besides, despite my apparent capacity to sense people who are about to pass away, this one remains vague and unclear.

I just hope that it's still not time for her to go, and that her soul is just recuperating

I hope she would be given a little more time...

---

I rest my head
Between the bed and sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind
Make it dry

- Dishwalla, Until I Wake Up