Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack (Act Three)

What if suddenly one of your component gimmick was cancelled just when you're about to arrive at the intended meeting place? How would one cope up with the sudden free time you've got in your hands?

This is what happened to me tonight.

Imagine boarding an FX without any clear destination to go. The only thing that circulates in your mind is the feeling of loneliness; of suddenly going out of your shell only to be surprised at how empty and desolate the world outside of it is.

To cope up with the changing scene, you frantically send an SMS message to some of your friends, indirectly seeking their company. After all, you thought that since you responded to their distress call before they would pick up your distress beacon when it's your turn to make the call.

Unfortunately they didn't.

They would pretend that they didn't understand what's the message between the lines. And since you didn't ask for any direct plea, they would think that you were just merely asking for suggestions.

Which is not a concern actually. After all, I really don't know what topics to bring up and what issues to talk about if ever I asked somebody to keep me company in such emergency cases like this. It's just that I can't help but be surprised at how distressed my state is right now.

Before, these things wouldn't bother me. For all I care, I would simply barge a party whether I have a company or not. The internet would suffice as a security blanket in moments of wait-time before late-night events. And during the party itself, dancing would distract me from realizing that I took another soloflight nightout once again.

Because as I have always proclaimed, dancing makes me feel free.

Good thing, internet cafes have sprouted everywhere. At least, the feeling of loneliness has subsided by merely unloading some personal burdens here in my blog. If not for the anticipated meet-up with some new found friends in BED later tonight, I would have postponed my nightout altogether and instead focus on writing a lead paragraph for my essay.

But I'm already stucked outside the house. Wearing my usual partee outfit, I have nowhere else to go but to my other component gimmicks for the night.

Indeed, too much protection from your own walls is not good sometimes. Since I'm not used to seeking solace in other people's company, I have a hard time asking people out, now that I'm looking for one.

And now that I have proclaimed the night as mine, might as well prove myself that I could stand on my own.

With or without Darkstar for extra confidence,

I still have me for company.

Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack (Act Two)

And you know that it happend too many times

And its time that i realize

I'm better off alone

- Offer Nissim feat. Maya, Alone

---

I've been itching to go clubbing these past few weeks. However since my work and school schedule are very much in conflict with my nightlife, I have to sacrifice the club scene in order to focus on my two commitments.

Since there will be two major events happening tonight - namely Government's School Evaluation and BED's Skoolhouse Rock, passing these opportunities to club for free would be a folly. Perhaps a slight diversion such as dancing would do good to my black and white life.

Besides, some college friends also invited me for some booze meet-up this evening. I might join their company since I've been away whenever they call for such get together.

But the thought of going out, clubbing alone, and drinking at the bar without nobody to talk to is an unfamiliar territory to me already. Unlike before, it seems that I don't have the guts anymore to be at a scene where nobody knows me.

Anyway, I still have seven hours to decide whether to go to these events or not. If ever I'd push through with my all-night gimmick, might as well pretend that I have an invisible friend for company.

It's not easy to act silly in such a big place full of beautiful people.

Unless of course, the hypnotic music could set me free.

Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack (Act One)

hoping maging magkaibigan tau pare kasi i'm planning to visit pinas dis coming december at sana we can meet in person...

tubong mindanao ako n davao city, finished my college education in cebu city then worked der in makati tapos went to saudi arabia for 6 years as a contract worker then finally migrated here in the united states where i became naturalized as a u.s. citizen n experienced living n working in honolulu, hawaii, los angeles, san diego and san francisco, california tapos sa las vegas then finally moved here in the east coast of united states in maryland...

working as guest relations consultant sa hotel concierge in a luxury hotel ang work ko dito sa inner harbor here in downtown baltimore, maryland, usa... my hobbies include travelling, videography, swimming, scuba diving. jet skiing, watching broadway plays/concert live shows, and photography where i express myself in a most artistic manner. being here in the states is great especially earning in dollars pero miss na miss ko pa rin ang pinas kasi iba pa rin ang sariling bayan natin kaya nga there's no place like home. huh, miss ko na pinoy foods, d gimikan der in manila, etc.

mahilig din ako magsuot ng skimpy bikini or trunks (check this website at www.picturetrail.com/xxxx password: kabacan ) also www.picturetrail.com/xxxxx hope this would be d start of our friendship; feel free also to give me ur contact phone number, mine is 001-dsa-532-ads n give me ur email too... my email and YM ID is xcsdsa@yahoo.com just to let u know pare kalog din ako, madaldal minsan and nature lover ako... pero malambing ako, passionate, romantic... astig/barako type ako n very manly discreet n i mostly TOP n wild in bed.

ingatz u tol n reply also n would be delighted if u could also send some of ur pics. dis s DFD ERERD n keep n touch PULSAR*...

- G4M Private Message, August 31

---

The message was flattering really, even though I have suspicions that it was a generic message with my handle on it. Pero bakit ganun, I felt scared and disturbed after reading his long private message?

It's not what I'm asking to lift my crushed ego. I don't even know how would I respond properly to such message.

Pardon The Inconvenience

Speaking of complications, I moved my entire blog to Blogger Beta two days ago in hopes that I could finally upload the photos I'm dying to post since last week. It seems that my journal provider is still in the process of identifying and fixing bugs, which obviously, is still apparent in the new format. However, I have to commend the new features they have for the Beta Version. One such improvement is that before, a blogger must have at least a little knowledge about htmls in order to make their blogs a little interactive. Now, with just a mere drag of buttons (or cue cards for that matter), everything simply organizes on the side bar.

---

The deadline for the "Project Railroad" has been moved. Instead of submitting the essay on September 1st, I volunteered to take the September 12th slot for my submission. However, as of "press time" no such article has ever been started. Even the "lead paragraph," which is supposed to give an opening salvo to pages-long Feature Story hasn't ever been concieved yet.

Is it because my muses are on vacation again? Or I am just too lazy to start thinking how to start my story? Either way, I have to write my essay soon. This Project Railroad will spell my retention or dismissal in the Creative Writing Masters Program.

---

This morning, I saw in PDI's frontpage its banner about NPAs extorting money from local businessmen. In Rep. Etta Rosales' priviledge speech in Congress, she said that a unit of the New People's Army in Negros threatens local enterprises who fails to pay "Revolutionary Taxes" to the party. Apparently, a local exporter of Muscovado (Brown) Sugar failed to pay its dues and as a consequence, the said local unit burned the exporter's sole delivery truck for not heeding to their demands.

"It's attempt at extorting money from reputable organizations, whose aim is to help the poor, is downright gangsterism and hypocritical... In this war, nobody wins and it is the innocent and unarmed civilians who suffer... The NPA cannot and should not display behavior that runs contrary to its self-proclaimed role of being the people's protector."

These very passages which Rep. Rosales said in her speech changed my views about NPAs overnight. Who would have thought that such supposed-to-be-honorable organization has the nerve to do such horrendous acts. I know that they require local companies operating in their areas of control pay "Revolutionary Taxes" which are to go back to the local people. But doing retribution at the expense of the people whose hopes are with them is rather unthinkable.

They said that a great purge happened in the Communist Party a long time ago. Tens of thousands of NDF party members were summarily executed out of the party leadership's fear that the military had already infiltrated its ranks. The witch hunt went on until the party itself split into two: The Rejectionist and the Reactionist. With respects to those who are with the underground, I would not attempt to define the two factions, all I know is that the Rejectionists are the more moderate between the two.

Unfortunately, my sister still doesn't believe that the organization she belongs to hasn't been loyal to its ideals in the past. And the reason why the news banner today caught my attention is because I want to show her how she was mislead by her superiors by believing that their student activism would lead to something better - for everyone.

The next time she threatens my mom to run away and head for the mountains, I'd slap her with the front page banner today.

It's time for her to know that the very principles she's fighting for in the streets are the ones violated by her own organization.

---

Representative Rosales' expose, plus the positive news banner which hails a stronger peso exchange rate today would surely please Malacanang even more. Even the opposition which used to hold a strong lead in the national surveys are slowly losing the confidence of ordinary people like me.

With the NPA's image already shattered, who would stop the military and the police from performing its operations against the insurgents?

Personally, as long as I hear my sister praise Mao Zedong and Stalin; as long as my mom confides to me that my sister has joined another rally again, against our orders; and as long as she tells me how good her cause is, despite the fact that by heart, her materialistic, artsy nature overrules her,

I wouldn't care what the government do with the communist rebels and my impression of student activism would remain negative.

Besides, These insurgents have existed for decades, but have we really felt any change?

Bunny Interludes Eleven

- 180 lbs.
- high blood
- laging stressed out
- feels something weird in my chest, especially near the heart area
- super massive
- slow mobility
- careless diet
- extremely low self esteem

- Dreams Of Becoming A Gym Bunny: Part Two,

March 15, 2004

--

Sa pag-gygym ko ngayon, target ko lang naman ang maging malapad pero mapayat ang katawan eh. Gusto ko lang na kapag tumingin ako sa salamin, walang beelbeel at tiyan na tatambad sa harap ko.

Wish ko lang na kapag tumingin ako sa salamin habang nakasuot ng white tank top, ako mismo eh mababakla sa sarili ko.

Hindi ko na bet magkaroon ng sixpacks o kaya pang-model modelan na katawan

Sapat na sakin ma-achieve ang pinaka-minimum objectives ko.

Pero who knows...

- Hopes Of Becoming A Super Gym Buddy,

August 31, 2005

--

If only the bunnies could see, what the dreaming has done to me.

Two years, eight months, countless sessions and several failed attempts before, here I am still holding on to my gym routine. So far it has never been broken for so long and it's result on my body, vanity and self-confidence would have been unthinkable. I never had expected that such tranformation is possible when I was just merely attempting. In fact, my built is slimmer now compared to my body size two years ago.

Gym instructors come and go, work-out buddies take breaks in training which span for months only to return after. In my case, there is no stopping. my longest break so far was one week. I am so concerned that stopping for too long would encourage me to break my routine. Breaking it also would revert me back to my body size before I enrolled at the gym.

Which is one of my greatest fears right now.

These worries, which add to the fact that I have become so vain these days, the chubbier Joms would get ashamed of me, prevents me from stopping completely. At times when things get pretty hectic and working out becomes a burden, All I would do is face the mirror and take off my shirt. Once the narcisstic side of me starts to complain, expect a gym session the following day.

My gym session has been so regular, one would think that I have become a regular fixture there already. But there are others who are more zealous in their routine than I do. A good example of it is this one guy, who, two months ago was chubbier than me. After spending hours and hours in the gym daily, he is slimmer than me now. He even revealed that he takes suppliments to help him burn fats faster.

Another trainee, who smirked at me last February after he saw me having a hard time lifting a twenty-pound pump machine was surprised to see me toned down when he returned to the gym after several months of absence. When I told him that I developed it ever since the last time we saw each other, he told me that I could have improved my body faster.

In my mind, all I could reply is: "mabilis ka nga papayat, madali ka ring tatamarin. Kapag tinamad ka, tataba ka na naman ulit katulad mo..."

I'd rather spend a year doing a slow-toning progression than rush the entire program, physically and mentally unprepared for its results.

In the long run, I believe that those who really succeed in bodybuilding are those who have the vision and patience to adopt the entire activity as a lifestyle. Nobody would be crazy enough to spend three hours in the gym every other day just to satisfy his objective.

Unless of course, that person made a personal vow and commitment to achieve his objectives.

As for me, I may have shortcomings on my diet or my weekly schedule. One might think that I'm simply working out to perform my routine or to make my money's worth. But based on experience, those who told me what routine to do are the ones who quitted easily. Those who rushed their training ends up getting exhausted, without achieving their ideal ends.

Still, it would still take months, or even an entire year just to achieve my new goal of having my own firm chest and six-pack abdominals. I should have asked Neutron P3 the last time we saw each other to dare me again so that I would have more reasons to go to the gym every week. Hopefully by the end of September, I have achieved a weight, eight pounds short of my goal of 160. If my work out session would never cease until December... If my work out would diversify into other sports which would speed up my full body development,

I think I already have the best gift for my birthday.

What I can do now is to remain constantly awake, and remember the bunnies in my dreams before.

Fairietailer (Mugenblu Edited Version)*

Readers would be surprised as to why I haven't updated my blog for several days na. Wala lang, siguro walang time. Besides, it's hard to compose sensible thoughts over at blog. Kelangan mo talagang pag isipan ang bawat sasabihin mo eh. While here, you can be eternally crappy and jologs as long as you want.

Browsing the websites, I feel kinda regretful about my past decisions about my career. What turns out to be initially boring job turns out to be interesting pala! Ewan ko ba. Maybe there's something bigger waiting for me in the future. Patience and long term thoughts is what I needed right now.

Roy had a date last night. Based from his intitial kwento this morning, he had maximum enjoyment daw. He even claimed that though he doesn't like kissing boys, namaga daw lips niya dun sa date niya kagabi. He even said that his date looks like Dodong (our friend), only very much taller. Tapos he had big arms (yum!) and a very lovely happy trail. Wala lang, from his description before he met the guy last night, one would get an impression that the guy is 1. Masculine, 2. Aggressive. 3. Top 4. Financially Strong. What makes the guy more interesting is that he drives his own car. (Wish ko lang Lancer Evo para shala) and dates girls as well. Pero bakit ganun, I feel a slight tinge of envy (not selos ha) whenever I hear his stories. Is it because I never had proud moments like he does? Is it because he's so good in storytelling, one won't help but be impressed at how technicolor his PLU life is?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for Roy. Sino bang hindi, kung wala siyang storya na ganun, wala kaming kwentuhan every time we hang out. Nobody would get inspired to follow his footsteps - whoever that hearer is. Grabe, naalala ko tuloy si Euphoria Boy ulit. When Roy said he's "doing something milagro at the parking lot of..." What I can picture in my mind
is a make-out scene in Antipolo. Somewhere where there is a good and striking view of Manila at night.

But you know what, even though I paused for a moment while I imagined his fairytale, I also realized that fairytales exists in
moments. There are really no close-ended, happy endings. The closest fairytales I have recently is when Phanks hugs me before I go to work in the morning. Alam mo yun, when he snuggles at you and tucks himself between ur arms and chest while under the sheets sabay sobrang lamig pa ng hangin, parang nakakaramdam ka ng sense at purpose sa relationship niyo. I honestly feel better going to work when those hugging moments happen. But since our existence is pretty routine and ordinary, such things never have special status anymore. But I bet, if that happens with another guy, then it's something mystifying.

Talking about fairy tales. Roy is still ecstatic about the outcome of his date last night. I on the other hand is excited to know the graphic details of his story. Perhaps I could meet up with him after going to the gym later this afternoon. I may be amused and enthralled by my friend's exploits; same thing is true whenever I tell mine. Even though I may preoccupy my thoughts with my own fairy tales, daydreams and fantasies from time to time, looking at a cynic point of view, those things are just mere passing moments: some diversionary breather that takes you away from the mundaness of life. If only I could remind myself all the time how fairytales leave you emptier, I'd rather have a monotonous existence with someone I'm already used to be with, than live in split-second fairytales which would just leave you

longing for more

after.

*Taken from another journal.

Epiphany Inside A Diesel Engine Control Cockpit

Dear Angelo,

Remember the years when you used to lead us as a group? It was a very long time ago. Five years to be exact and probably you have forgotten the things that hold the five of us together. You might have already forgotten the school projects we have worked tirelessly day and night just to prove to class how good we are as an all-boys team. It was the best years of our lives as Darrell and Leslie once said; my thoughts however were at best, reserved back then because all I could remember is how you and the group made a clown out of me.

But you know what, after exerting so much effort doing my "Project Railroad" for our Final Requirement in the masters program, I realize how I missed the days when we do projects like this as the Prestigious Group of Companies (PGC*). If only I exerted more effort to make pakisama with you guys back then,

Things would have been better for all of us.

---

It's been two weeks since I began doing this project. I have done interviewing people who lives beside the riles and people who rides the train everyday going to work and going home. But it's just a mere part of the image of what I am trying to paint in my essay. Unlike the interview and personal profile that I have written about Carlo Vergara, this one is bigger in scope and demands in-depth research and interview to ensure that I would come up with something that has a human drama written over my work.

Yesterday, after I have confirmed that my interview with the PNR Management would push through in the afternoon, I filed a sick leave that same morning. My plan was to ride the train and write everything that I would see while traveling. However, out of extreme exhaustion from work and school, and the lack of discipline, I woke up two hours late. Remembering how strict you were with deadlines, you will push us to exert more effort just to complete the job. To make up for the lost time, I reevaluated my schedule and dropped most of the dramatics. Instead of boarding a train in Tutuban while admiring the sunrise. I waited for the 9:55 train in Sta. Mesa to proceed to my first agenda for the day:

Visit the PNR relocation site in Cabuyao, Laguna

Alone.

---

The journey took around 1 hour and 30 minutes from Sta. Mesa to Alabang which cost around 14 pesos when you ride the train. Compare it to the 45-minute ride from Alabang to Balibago Complex in Sta. Rosa Laguna which cost double that amount I paid going to Alabang from Manila and you would realize why a lot of people preferred the train for their mass transport even if its delayed all the time.

When I arrived at Balibago Complex, I had to ride another jeep going to Cabuyao, where I would take a long tricycle ride that will bring me to the land of no tomorrow - Southville. All in all, I spent more than fifty pesos going to the relocation site alone. Imagine how those people who lives there survive going to work in Manila.

You should have been there Angelo so that you would remember again the odd places we have been through while doing our school projects: In Payatas, six months after it swallowed hundreds of residents around the dumpsite; In Lemery Batangas to imitate how to work as a fisherman while Darrell attempted to become an Onion farmer for a day; At the Luneta Park on a breezy midnight scavenging for stories while thinking about our dreams for tomorrow.

Those were the things I remembered when I set foot in a no man's land this afternoon. Would you believe that half of the neighborhood had no electricity or jobs to sustain their existence? In fact, one thing I noticed about the people there is that they seemed to be restless even though there was a slight drizzle that afternoon. They said, life has been extremely more difficult since they were rooted out of their homes in Manila to give way to the rehabilitation and expansion of the railways.

---

The interview was heartbreaking. While talking to these people, for a moment there I allowed my bearings to let itself lose in order to finally grasp what my sister and her group is fighting for. Paano ka nga naman makakapagsimula sa isang lugar na walang trabahong bubuhay sa iyo right? Even some of the basic services was not yet put up, four months after the government forcibly relocated the people there. Good thing, you taught me how to ask direct questions when it comes to these things. If I am just a mere so-so writer, I wouldn't waste my time and energy going to such very isolated place.

I left Southville immediately after I concluded my first interview. When I arrived in Manila, I went directly to the PNR Compound to interview the person who would represent PNR and their side of the story. My contact was Mr. Nierva and since he had a son who's taking up Creative Writing as well, I didn't have a hard time establishing rapport.

As Mr. Nierva talks about the technicalities of our Railway System, I could imagine the rest of the team writing notes or holding the video camera while you and I threw questions to the manager. Perhaps, we would ask Omar to take some pictures as well so our documentation would be more than enough to impress Mr. Cuartero with our output.

To tell you honestly, back in fourth year, I was having thoughts of stopping my studies. It's like since I already have a certain future running my dad's business, what is the point of going to school? However, since we preoccupied ourselves with exploring unconventional things and making stories out of them, it became a challenge to stay and finish school. Even though I was the most stubborn among your teammates, now that I am doing these things we used to do a long time ago made me realize how hard it was for you to balance things for us without directly scratching our egos.

Darrell, Leslie, Ace and Omar never opposed your decisions, while I, would always take the opposite side and insist on my suggestions. In response to my deadlock pronouncements, you have created a crafty way to get the mandate of everyone: You make us vote as a group. In the end, what turns out to be an uphill project for us would be considered praiseworthy, even in the eyes of the Varsitarian group.

---

Remembering these things while inside the control box of a massive diesel engine which I got into through accidental conversations with a kid made me feel nostalgic about everything. As the driver maneuvered our locomotive through very narrow passageways overflowing with people and houses, which were just inches away from the engine, I could imagine your big shadow standing behind me. You should have been there as the train operator revealed to me his casualties along the tracks throughout his career. In fact, I could almost hear you say, "Ilan na ang napatay niyo manong?"

But because I am less of a hard-hitter than you are, I decided to forego such question and instead focused on lighter subjects that I could open up to the driver for discussion.

The air inside the Tutuban Complex was relatively breezy compared to the narrow streets beyond its walls when I was done with the interview. The sky, which was blue-grey when I first boarded the engine had already turned dark blue. Somewhere around town, you might have shut yourself from the world to focus on your review for the bar exams, which is just several months from now. Leslie and Darrell would have just left their respective offices to go home after a long day's work. Ace is probably editing his news reports while Omar is probably in the classroom still finishing his remaining subjects before graduating from Law School.

Our lives have drastically changed over the years. I bet some of our friends have even forgotten how to write a feature story by now. But you know what, these little essays that I do for class at present and in the future would always remind me of our glory.

Indeed, things come once in a lifetime. Back there inside the control box, all I could do is stare at the sky and long for the days when you and the group do these things for fun.

Hoping...

I would hear our younger voices echoing in the air, as the emptiness of the moment slowly creeps in to consume me.

*PGC, the name of my gang/group back in college.

Raise Your Voice (Tripnotik Hyperpulse Remix)

After Eon...

Dear Mr. Isagani Cruz

The first time I read your article, my first reaction was "duh." Just three letters your honor. For someone who once wrote a revelation about the prevailing homosexual culture in our jails, I find it ironic that you are the same person who would raise a concern about the prevailing homosexual trends our society is enjoying nowadays.

I understand that you came from a generation where people like us do not exist. You see us as subhumans, people who everyone considers an abomination in the eyes of God. How many men and women have wasted their entire lifetime hiding inside their closets in order to protect their secret identities from a society who would surely condemn them to hell? How many young boys were molested by their elders, who actually knew their preference, but because of such repressive society you were living in, focused their carnal attention to the defenseless youth around them?

I want you to know that most of these victims became the next generation of homosexuals you are seeing today.

Ten years ago, all the queer guys I knew were effeminates or what we now call parloristas. They are your friendly neighborhood beauticians, cooks, yayas - and all those fine, ladylike men who are the typical escorts and entourage of some prima donna woman parading herself in the entire baranggay going from house to house, visiting funerals, birthday parties and filling up padasal (prayer services) organized in the community. These gays were considered far more reliable to women than their brothers, fathers and husbands that in the end, these soft men were treated like ladies and girls as well.

When I was a kid, there was this young boy with the same age as me. Everyone in the neighborhood calls him Strawberry. By all accounts, he was the only gay guy in our part of the baranggay. He was one of my first buddies when I started exploring the environment beyond the gates of my home and his warmth and accomodation helped me establish friendships with the other more "macho" boys in our community.

As far as I can remember, he mingled with girls while enduring snide remarks and mockery from every old person who knows him. His mom would call him Edwina as his dad sits quietly in one corner regretful and disappointed with his "bunso's" girly actions.

I know that his story is just one of the countless stories of young effeminates and parloristas of my generation. Their kind took all the brunt of mockery and insults with pride and patience long enough for us - masculines to realize that there's no point in hiding inside our closets forever. With the advancement of the internet, we found our own voice.

In your columm, I had an idea that your objections are directed against the most obvious and campy-like among us. You were alarmed by the growing number of gays coming out of their closets in schools and other academic institutions. You have also suspected how these queers in the media directly influences the Filipino culture with the inclusion of their subculture in the national psyche.

Well your honor, if I tell you the truth, your observations are far less substantial than what is in reality. If you think of the gay population as a "compromise between the strong and the weak," what would you say then to the countless engineers, educators, doctors, nurses, soldiers, policemen, computer programmers, call center agents, farmers, fishermen, vehicle drivers, government and NGO workers and leaders who are actually gay themselves yet they hold this nation together. How can you ignore the powerful Pink Peso that fuels our service-based economy?

How unfortunate that someone supposed to be as wise and intelligent as you failed to see the bigger picture of homosexuals in the country. How baseless and alarming your concerns are, when in fact, all over the progressive world, the gay population whom you call mere "sexless persons without the virility of males and the grace of females but only an insipid mix of these diluted virtues" are the ones leading to make changes in the global society for good? I sincerely wish that you and those people who think like you live long enough to see an openly gay leader run a country effectively and efficiently which no straight guy could do .

Lastly, Conrado De Quiros should have included you in his lists of people who doesn't look back in the past in order to see an insightful future: Long before your kind took the light from us, we were already generals and leaders of the most liberal civilizations this world has ever seen. Nobody could take that truth away from us anymore... Not you, and not those self-righteous bigots who continue to condemm us to burn in hell.

You are destined to obscurity your honor. Our time is just starting.

- Pulsar, The Phanksmaster.

---

Separate Opinion : ‘Don we now our gay apparel’

By Isagani Cruz
Columnist
Inquirer
Posted date:
August 12, 2006

HOMOSEXUALS before were mocked and derided, but now they are regarded with new-found respect and, in many cases, even treated as celebrities. Only recently, the more impressionable among our people wildly welcomed a group of entertainers whose main proud advertisement was that they were “queer.” It seems that the present society has developed a new sense of values that have rejected our religious people’s traditional ideas of propriety and morality on the pretext of being “modern” and “broad-minded.”

The observations I will here make against homosexuals in general do not include the members of their group who have conducted themselves decorously, with proper regard not only for their own persons but also for the gay population in general. A number of our local couturiers, to take but one example, are less than manly but they have behaved in a reserved and discreet manner unlike the vulgar members of the gay community who have degraded and scandalized it. I offer abject apologies to those blameless people I may unintentionally include in my not inclusive criticisms. They have my admiration and respect.

The change in the popular attitude toward homosexuals is not particular to the Philippines. It has become an international trend even in the so-called sophisticated regions with more liberal concepts than in our comparatively conservative society. Gay marriages have been legally recognized in a number of European countries and in some parts of the United States. Queer people — that’s the sarcastic term for them — have come out of the closet where before they carefully concealed their condition. The permissive belief now is that homosexuals belong to a separate third sex with equal rights as male and female persons instead of just an illicit in-between gender that is neither here nor there.

When I was studying in the Legarda Elementary School in Manila during the last 1930s, the big student population had only one, just one, homosexual. His name was Jose but we all called him Josefa. He was a quiet and friendly boy whom everybody liked to josh but not offensively. In the whole district of Sampaloc where I lived, there was only one homosexual who roamed the streets peddling “kalamay” and “puto” and other treats for snacks. He provided diversion to his genial customers and did not mind their familiar amiable teasing. I think he actually enjoyed being a “binabae” [effeminate].

The change came, I think, when an association of homos dirtied the beautiful tradition of the Santa Cruz de Mayo by parading their kind as the “sagalas” instead of the comely young maidens who should have been chosen to grace the procession. Instead of being outraged by the blasphemy, the watchers were amused and, I suppose, indirectly encouraged the fairies to project themselves. It must have been then that they realized that they were what they were, whether they liked it or not, and that the time for hiding their condition was over.

Now homosexuals are everywhere, coming at first in timorous and eventually alarming and audacious number. Beauty salons now are served mostly by gay attendants including effeminate bearded hairdressers to whom male barbers have lost many of their macho customers. Local shows have their share of “siyoke” [gay men], including actors like the one rejected by a beautiful wife in favor of a more masculine if less handsome partner. And, of course, there are lady-like directors who are probably the reason why every movie and TV drama must have the off-color “bading” [gay] or two to cheapen the proceedings.

And the schools are now fertile ground for the gay invasion.

Walking along the University belt one day, I passed by a group of boys chattering among themselves, with one of them exclaiming seriously, “Aalis na ako. Magpapasuso pa ako!” [“I’m leaving. I still have to breastfeed!”] That pansy would have been mauled in the school where my five sons (all machos) studied during the ’70s when all the students were certifiably masculine. Now many of its pupils are gay, and I don’t mean happy. I suppose they have been influenced by such shows as “Brokeback Mountain,” our own “Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros” (both of which won awards), “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and that talk program of Ellen Degeneres, an admitted lesbian.

Is our population getting to be predominantly pansy? Must we allow homosexuality to march unobstructed until we are converted into a nation of sexless persons without the virility of males and the grace of females but only an insipid mix of these diluted virtues? Let us be warned against the gay population, which is per se a compromise between the strong and the weak and therefore only somewhat and not the absolute of either of the two qualities. Be alert lest the Philippine flag be made of delicate lace and adorned with embroidered frills.

Literacy

Which among the three is the most effective, practical and realistic approach in order to solve illiteracy in a third world county?

a. One Laptop computer for every child by Thai Prime Minister Thaskin Shinawatra?

b. Creation of classrooms, employment of teachers, and publishing of more books using the armed forces of the country (i.e. military engineers and teacher soldiers) instead of fighting self-created insurgencies which cost that country millions and millions of its currency?

or

c. One pencil and paper for every student as proposed by somebody from Pinoyexchange.com?

You Know That It's Love When...

In the heat of... his thrust getting slower and deeper... his body pressing closer and closer to yours... while his lips almost touches your face... with climax coming in a matter of a few seconds... when all you can see in his face is the eternal bliss of what an orgasmic explosion should be... when you feel, that after all those waiting years, your ever-submissive side cries for joy... and your masculine side come rushing to dominate your own consciousness,

In your own orgasmic explosion, all you can mutter is the words "I Love You."

For the first time while making love.

---

I guess, despite all deliberate and pathetic attempts of "offshoring, " waiting for this right moment must be worth it. I would wonder from time to time why I am not too expressive about my feelings for him but last night's overnight proved that feelings have always been there.

In the words of Inthelongrun

"nawawalan ng anghang. babalik din yan"

The next time I ask my heart what love is, I would go back to this moment and remind myself that despite all his shortcomings towards me.

Just one hug, one kiss and one deep penetrative f...

And my feelings for him would revert back to its former intensity, as the hatred and frustration ebbs away into oblivion.

The Railroad Project

August 15, 2006


Mr. Estelito A. Nierva
Department Manager and Operations
Philippine National Railways


Dear Sir.

My name is Punks Tuyor. I dropped by your office last week because of my intention to write a story about PNR. I would like to inform you that my professor has reviewed my proposal and she gave me the go signal to push through with my plans.

In line with this, I would like to formally request for an interview with your office regarding some technical subjects that would be included in my story, such as but not limited to:

I. History

a. When it all started
b. The original line
c. Changes throughout the past administrations (presidents)
d. Relevant events that happened in its history.

II. Operations

a. Maintenance
b. Cost of Maintenance
c. Railroad Tracks
d. Where do PNR import its spare parts
e. Trains/Engines
f. Number of fleets and carriages
g. Technical assistance from other countries.

III. Finances

a. Government Funding
b. Other sources of income
c. Employees
d. Communications
e. Safety Plans and Precautions

IV. Future

a. Rehabilitation
b. Engines that would be used
c. Stations
d. Ticketing Schemes
e. Track expansion

I would also like to ask your permission to interview some of the people who works with PNR regarding their personal experiences and how does working in such a close-knit family like yours changed their lives. My professor has emphasized that my essay should put a human story of what PNR is to everyone. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated especially on subjects that most of us don't understand about our railway system.

Our deadline of submission is on September 1. Please feel free to schedule the interview at a time most convenient to you. Thank you very much Mr. Nierva. Now that big changes would soon happen to PNR, it would be heartwarming to cover a human story of things that may never happen again.

God Bless!


John Paul Alexis Tuyor
UP Diliman

---

Not a long time ago, I wrote an entry about my train ride from Alabang to Tutuban. That entry was briefly mentioned in Manuel L Quezon III's blog, which in turn became my third sample article that I submitted as a requirement for my application in the graduate school.

Since I've always believed that my PNR entry carried my application through screening, entrance exam and final deliberation process, it would be nice to go back once more and expand such piece that deserves another look - this time, it would become a feature story.

Submission of the first draft is on September 1. Right now, I still have to conduct an interview with the Operations Manager, some of his staffs that also work in the PNR system, ride a train once more to have a personal feel of being in the great machine and interview some people who live by the riles. As a person who never submit mere drafts, I need to rush things up and do whatever necessary is needed to complete my story.

The formal request has been sent tonight. I hope that the interview will be granted before the week finally ends.

Mimi

Adopted from Tenchu's Blog

I wish I was a different ethnicity.
I have an eating disorder.
I'm short.
I'm tall.
I think I'm really attractive.
I prefer winter over summer.
I'm a geek.
I'm a shopaholic.
I'm reasonably intelligent.
I'm attracted to girls.
I'm attracted to boys.
I like British accents.
I smoke regularly.
I drink regularly.
I smoke socially.
I drink socially.
I get drunk easily.
I do drugs.
I will never date a bad kisser.
I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
I'm religious.
I'm not religious but have morals.
I lie frequently.
I'm impulsive.
I'm hardworking.
I liked "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind".
"She's All That" is one of my favourite movies.
I'm good at History.
I speak more than two languages.
I enjoy taking pictures.
I like spending money on myself.
I like spending money on others.
I have a regular income.
I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
I pay my own bills.
I rely on my parents for money.
I can cook.
I enjoy cleaning.
Tidyness is a must in my life.
I like clutter.
My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
I'm fashion-conscious.
I have good taste.
People tell me I have good taste.
I excel academically.
I'm told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
I'm good at sports.
I'm good at certain sports.
I couldn't do sports to save my life.
I'm creative.
I'm artistically inclined.
I wanna be an artist when I grow up.
I wanna be an engineer when I grow up.
I eat when I'm upset.
I cannot adapt to change.
I'm interested in politics.
I have shoplifted.
I download MP3s.
I've done underage drinking.
I've gone underage clubbing.
I can dance reasonably well.
I can dance extremely well.
I dance like a cardboard gorilla.
I can sing.
I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
I can swim.
I enjoy surveys.
I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
I keep a journal.
My teachers don't like me.
I enjoy controversy. (as long as its not mine)
I can be a bitch/bastard.
I have a thing for bad boys/girls.
I have tattoos.
I've been in a nudist colony.
I'm not sure if I want to have children.
I'm not sure if I'll get married.
I know who I will marry.
I'm interesting.
I'm a good liar.
People enjoy talking to me.
I annoy people from time to time.
I'm a born leader.
I'm a born leader but shouldn't lead.
I enjoy felching.
I have a foot fetish.
I have a shoe fetish.
I watch "Sex and the City".
I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty.
I wanna be J.Lo.
I cut myself.
I've cut myself.
I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
I hate popular people.
I think cheerleading is a sport.
I'm photogenic.
I live in Chucks.
I think graffiti is art.
I have dated a criminal.
I have been cheated on.
I have cheated on someone.
I have a temper.
I like playgrounds.
I dance in the rain.
I'm obsessed with Shakespeare.
I have tanlines.
My favourite color is pink.
My favourite color is black.
I would classify myself as emo.
I'm musically inclined.
I like listening to music.
I like music-blasting cars.
Thongs are comfortable.
I like flip-flops.
I know what monogamy is...
...and I believe in it.
I wanna be a social worker when I grow up.
I have sibling/s.
My sibling/s annoy me.
I think "South Park" is funny.
I believe in LOVE.

Facelessness In The Dust

[chatter1] luking for frends here or mit ups yung may place along makti tgig pasay. ages 18 to 26 only. no chubs and effms pls. 21 m makti moreno top. got a ride here.

[chatter2]n1 frm erod,kamuning,morato or un malapit n may place? s*ck my c*ck! mack me w/ ur pic tas trade ko sakin..ave looking top guy here..will drive goin 2 ur place after..tnx

[chatter3]<--- 20 m sta.mesa/bbalic hir........ hanap ng frinds and trips......

[chatter4]<-- 20 m mla 5'9 ½ med built 148 lbs. 19-24 years old DISCREET SINGLE guy around? Mack me up now walang magawa eh…5'8 up no CHUBS or FMs pls ung COOL, to be with lng… or for a possible FONE CHAT later…

* cute_hunk has joined #salsalan

---

Sa muling pagkakataon, napilitan akong bumalik sa chatroom para hanapin ang aking sarili. Matapos ang ilang buwang pagtitimpi at pagkokontrol, hindi rin nakayanan ng aking disiplina ang balikan ang tahanang simula pa noon ay kinagisnan ko na.

Totoo ngang no man is an island.

Pero minsan, nakakalungkot isipin na kahit na anong klaseng reach out ang gawin mo sa ibang tao, alam mong lahat sila ay may vested interest sa pakikipag-usap sayo. Ang karamihan ay naghahanap ng sex, o kaya SOP (na mandatory ay may picture ka kung hindi, dedma ang ganda mo), samantalang may isa o dalawa na naghahanap ng matinong kausap (na halos hindi mo na mapansin sa sobrang dami ng sex ad na nakikita mo sa main room na tinatambayan mo).

Gusto ko sanang lumipat ng channel. Pero sa mundong ginagalawan ko, imposible atang merong lugar na puro usap lang ang ginagawa ng mga tao. Masyado kasing liberated ang mga katulad ko. Kapag sanay ka na sa kalakaran at paglalaro, andali mo ng hanapin sa tao ang gusto mo.

Pero ganun man ang sitwasyon, madalas ang hinahanap ko pa rin ay yung mga taong nakikipagusap lang at may binabahaging kwento. Minsan sa sobrang hirap nilang hanapin, kapag may nakatagpo ka, hindi ka nagdadalawang isip ipamigay kahit ang g4m profile mo.

---

[me] ako tol naghahanap ng kausap

[him]san channel ka galing?

[me]#s

[me]dami mo naman channel

[him]naghahanap talga me ng kausap eh

[me]bakit naman

[him]asl mo

---

Ngayong gabi, nakatagpo ako ng isang "straight" na lalaki na naghahanap ng kausap sa IRC. Ang kwento niya, limang taon na siyang may gf. Sa tinagal tagal nilang magkasama, tatlong beses na naging on and off ang kanilang relasyon. Ngunit, sa kabila noon, pinili pa rin nilang maging sila sa huli.

Minsan sa buhay nilang magkarelasyon, nagkaroon ng matinding pagsubok na hindi nakaya ng babae. Inamin ng lalaking kausap ko na may mga panahon na completely ignored at taken for granted niya ang kanyang gf. Sa frustration ng babae, napilitan niyang ibaling at hanapin sa iba ang atensyon na gusto niyang ibuhos sa kausap ko. Ang resulta nito ay ang pagsuko ng virginity ng babae sa ibang lalaki.. Ang lalaki naman na kausap ko, sa sobrang shock at pagiging upset sa nangyari ay hirap pa rin maka-recover sa nangyari.

Sa kwento ng lalaki, parang nakarelate ako sa issue ng babae. Sa tinatagal tagal ko na sa relasyon ko, maraming beses rin ako nakaramdam ng frustration at pagod sa mga nangyayari sa aming dalawa ng buddy ko. Bandang huli, ito ring mga pagkukulang na ito ang naging mitsa para...

Itaguyod ko ang sarili kong buhay hiwalay sa kanya.

Pero anuman ang mangyari. Kahit man nagkaroon ako ng buhay na nakatago sa kanya. Alam ko pa naman kung nasaan ang puso ko. Gaya nga sa tanong ng kausap ko na kung katangahan ba ang tanggapin muli ang kanyang gf, sabi ko sa kanya. Ang magmahal ay isang malaking katangahan. Hindi magiging buo ang pag-ibig mo sa isang tao, kung hindi ka handang magpaka-tanga sa kanya...

Anyway, napunta pa kung saan saan ang kwentuhan namin. Ngunit dahil sa naging assumption ko na sa kanya ay straight... kahit man nakita ko siyang nag-add sa #s, umikot ang usapan namin tungkol sa kanyang mga nararamdaman sa kanyang gf, hanggang sa mga kantang pinakikinggan niya.

---

[me] matanong ko lang

[him] ano un?

[me] suggest ka ng kanta na pwede ko
madownload

[him] fave ko knta ngaun blue sky

[me] meron na ako nun eh

[him] anung tema ba

[me] kahit ano

[me] hehe

[me] para pag pinatugtog ko

[me] maalala ko na may kausap akong straight na binigyan ko ng advice

[me] maaring indi na tayo magkita muli eh

---

Nakakalungkot isipin na ang bawat magagandang unang pagtatagpo ay maaring iyon din ang kanyang katapusan. Sa kaso namin, gaano man naging seryoso at personal ang aming pag-sesentihan, alam kong doon din ang hangganan noon. Kumbaga, isang oras lang talaga ang moment namin sa mundong ito... hindi pa kami nagkita ng personal.

Minsan tuloy, hindi ko alam kung maganda ba talaga ang naidudulot ng teknolohiya. Totoo ngang napaglapit nito ang taong malalayo sa isa't isa. Ngunit ito rin ang naging dahilan kung bakit naging instant ang lahat para sa taong magkakausap - gaano man ito katino at seryoso.

Wala pang isang oras, natapos rin ang aming chat. Na download ko ang kantang sinuggest niya, at nakapagusap pa kami ng kaunti tungkol sa kanyang buhay. Nakuha ko rin ang Friendster niya. Ngunit, gaano man kalapit ang naabot ko maging mas makatotohanan lang ang aming pagkatao, alam kong iyon na ang huli sa aming dalawa.

Bukas makalawa, maaring maging kasal na sila ng gf niya. Maari rin namang maging susi ang aming pakikipagusap para tuluyan siyang magbago at maging kagaya ko. Pero anuman ang mangyari, masaya ako at kahit paano, naging kasilbi - silbi ang pagtambay ko sa chatroom ngayong gabi.

At dahil dito, tingin ko kuntento na ako sa aking mga naranasan at nakita sa buong araw matapos ilagay muli ang chat program sa computer ko. Tingin ko, masyado pa akong tao at hindi pa talaga napapanahon sa akin ang bumalik sa mundo ng IRC.

Matapos kong mawalay na nakaalis na pala ang kausap ko sa isang private window, bumalik akong muli sa main channel upang pagmasdan ang mga nagaganap sa room. Gaya ng dati, wala pa rin pinagbago ang lahat. Nandun pa rin ang walang katapusang sex ads na minsan sa aking buhay ay pinanggalingan ng steady supply ng hook ups ko. Sa huling pagkakataon, babasahin kong mga handles ng mga tao bago isara ang program at iuninstall ito pansamantala.

Next time na lang, sabi ko sa aking sarili.

Masyado palang malungkot maglalagi sa lugar na yun.

Embers

It is now apparent that the graduate school project I am currently involved with leaves me constantly scrutinizing the entries here in my blog. Such state of higher consciousness is already giving me a hard time to write about things - which doesn't concern me anymore but the things around me. Such mindset begins to discourage about the "me" and instead promoting them. Slowly, I'm loosing my blog to changes of attitudes and It shows on how rare I post entries these days.

What's more appalling lately is that the entries I posted focuses on my current troubles this past few days.

---

I am afraid that if this trend of screening and scrutinizing subjects to write about goes on; if in some feat of madness, I decided to unreveal my life here in phankspace - finding it too exposing; if the flames of journal keeping in me has been finally put out, maybe this blog will cease to exist after all. Without the things to talk about, without the time to compose the things I felt during a moment, and without the motivation I needed to weave words.

How in this world could I write?

But let us see then what happens. As for now, expect things to be a little slower here... While I figure out what to do next in life, now that I'm beginning to doubt everything that is me.

How Do You Relive The Pain

Girl: Ilang taon ka na?

Me: 24

Girl: Alam mo, impression ko sayo, napaka-immature mo pa.

Me: Paano mo nasabi.

Girl: Meron akong pamangkin, kasing edad mo siya pero parang kung mag-isip napaka-mature na niya.

Me: Ano nga ang grounds mo para sabihing immature ako.

Girl: Wala lang, the way you think, the way you act. Ganun.

Me: Could you be more specific?

Girl: Basta:

Me: Well I think that's the most stupid remark I've heard so far.

Me: And to be honest with you, I was very insulted.

- IM Disconnected -

---

Night falls...

I haven't recoved yet from the initial shock of her remark. On and on, I tried to probe my mind just to find out where did I go wrong and why she said such very insensitive observations about me. I wasn't doing anything when she told that. I wasn't even having a conversation with her when suddenly, her IM popped out of my view screen and started asking me those silly questions.

Is it because telling her all my occasional frustrations gave her that impression?

Is it because being close to her gave her an idea that she could freely express everything she wanted to tell me, whether it may be hurtful or disapproving?

---

Nasaktan ako sa totoo lang, at hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad ko pa ba siya sa mga sinabi niya o hindi na.

---

What makes matters more enraging is that she doesn't have any idea about the life I'm living. Maybe she thought that I'm just a typical, happy-go-lucky homo guy who loves talking about men, complaining about small things, comparing and profiling people that annoys or interests me. Maybe, that's just what she knows... other things which are more important, doesn't matter to her anymore.

I think Athena is right, she is a very dangerous woman. Someone, I would love to pin down if such opportunity arises. You know whats so sickening about recieving this comments? It makes you less of a person; It makes you forget the things that you have survived through the countless lives you have lived so far; and it makes you hate yourself more, instead of once and for all, embracing who you have become and appreciating the things you have shared in this world.

Because for all I remember, everybody has turned me down - from aunts and uncles who would tell me how hopeless my grades are in elementary, from classmates who would stay away from me because of my nasty unhygienic habits, from a barkada leader who forced me to changed my ways and adopt his standards of "hippiness," from a dad's friend who bluntly told me that I'm too inexperienced and gullible to run a family business... and so much more. Remembering all of them would just turn me into a people hater.

And for all the things they said to me, here I am still trying to catch up and retrieve any pride or confidence still left in me.

No wonder, my people skills are suffering because of such hurtful things they told me before: I avoid crowds, I became a timid and non-confrontational person, I became a renegade and hard to control when it comes to groups. When somebody assesses my personality, I'm not really a team oriented, barkada-centric person. In the long run, I have developed this individualistic instinct that allowed me to enjoy things many people who's not used to being alone would find absurd and impossible.

And because of the same trauma I've got from people, I learned to maintain such high degrees of formality and seriousness, people would have an impression that I'm a very unapproachable and distant person.

Which I am.

---

That's why next time, I'd even maintain a higher degree of distance so that people would have a harder time getting closer to me. I'd continue pinning down people who only knows how to criticize other people's shortcomings without any concrete ground or basis.

I will be more vocal this time.

And the next time I hear a nobody snide another stupid remark on my attitude or personality without any basis or concrete evidence that would support their assumptions, I swear I will resign my job immediately.

God knows how much dignity I have already lost ever since I worked in that company.

Distress Call

It pains me whenever somebody, out of the blue would call me immature.

Perhaps, there is a ground for that person to call me immature. But for no clear explanation at all... or just for the reason I think and talk alone, is I think perfectly baseless.

Can an immature person manage his finances so well, he doesn't have any troubles paying for his dues? Can an immature person provide sensible advices to those who needs it? Can an immature person be responsible enough to think bigger things like his family and friends rather than himself alone?

Can an immature person look beyond the present and into a future he is trying to make a little bit secure for himself and his loved ones.

Calling me immature based on how I think and talk alone is very unfair. In fact, it was something very disheartening and demoralizing, no matter how I tell myself to fight such lingering feeling.

And because of that, I had to vent it out, just to make myself feel better. Perhaps she's right. I'm still immature in a sense that I can't take criticism like a man.

Maybe... I'm taking too much flank and pressure these days, that all I ever wanted is for everyone to leave me alone. Especially if those people would just bring me down to make themselves feel fuckingly and shittingly better.

But, the question remains. Is she that mature herself? Before telling me such lousy things, I'd appreciate it if she reflects first whether she is mature enough to see herself first before looking at other people's percieved shortcomings.

Vanity Faire One

He once scoffed at the idea of buying toiletries for himself - and instead letting his mom do the job for him. Before, when he wasn't still aware about how he presents himself to others, what matters to him is that he had a decent soap, which he also use as his facial wash and a deodorant which advertises funkiness on the boob tube.

But, his work-out regimen began to change him. First, he replaced all his baconed undies which are years old with new ones. He would have bought branded ones, but at the last minute his stingy side overruled him. He began to be concerned about how rough and dull his face was, and to address his insecurity, he changed from Kissa Papaya to Celetech - which after a couple of months replaced it again with Nivea for Men.

As his body toned down, he started walking half naked all around the house. When he saw how dark his armpits were, he immediately changed his deodorant from a local brand to a whitening one - only to regret it after. For a time, he thought about having a facial, which, due to lack of extra funds, has to be delayed for a later time. He once became curious about having a Rhinoplasty but later realized that doing so would be an overboard.

He used to laugh at the idea of having a definite budget for his vanity, for it used to be his least priority. But because of changing times and his obsession about reinventing his personal appearance completely, his vanity budget became part of his monthly expenditures. Who would have thought that his gym alone would cost a fortune already.

---

Last April, a close friend briefly stayed at his place while waiting for a date to pick him. This friend, used to think less of vanity and more of career. But because his career is now in full swing, things had begun to change without our guy's awareness.

As his friend prepares for his date's arrival, our guy started to check out the contents of his friend's kikay kit. What he saw changed his mindset forever.

Adidas Body Spray, Bench Hair Fix, Cetaphil Facial Wash, an expensive perfume he can't remember. Those things caught him in a complete surprise. His once koboy bestfriend has a vain side he didn't know.

Two months after the revelation, our guy started to have his own line-up of vanity accessories, which so far within PLU and metrosexual standards. The places he once avoided - Watson and PX, is now his favorite hang-out place. The clothes he once ignore, are the ones he is wearing lately. And the sub-standard shades he used to think as his sole luho would be even replaced by a sassier one in the near future.

---

Things for him are fast changing. While the reality of age is becoming more and more apparent, he tries to compensate it by making himself younger and hippier. The possibilities of becoming a gadget and fashion conscious person is not far from reality. Sooner or later, as he feel better about how he looks and how he project himself to others, this avenues of awareness would be opened to him too.

But before he achieve such state of mind, he must first;

Complete his work-out project.

Survive his graduate studies in Creative Writing.

Rival his sister's vanity, which is very opposite to her ideals.

Learn to take a bath regularly.

Stop the nail-biting habit completely.

---

You know what's ironic about this vanity thingie?

He started to become aware of these things, when he began to develop a homebody personality.

Not when his soul was wandering at the night spots of Malate.

Contingent (Last Part)

i should go out with my brodders more often. probably soon. the new prospect for our new abode features a relatively large living room for a gathering of 3-6 persons. it won’t be like the self-destruction nights in Paragon Plaza, however, it would still be great to accept visitors again

- dodong

--

Nate, ok na rin kahit na nag-amoy kusina tayo sa foodcourt ng megamall. Sana next time sa iba naman -- sa foodcourt ng isetann, Bibiklat branch. Para talagang to the lowest level ito! wahahahaha. Wagi ang mga tilian sa sinehan, ang FX moment at siyempre ang VIP party sa elbow room. fernez, daming food na parang christamas party. kulang na lang exchange gifts at pagkanta ng "if we hold on together" a la dinky soliman. di ba denise?

- paul aka stolich

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Pumarada ang FX sa tapat mismo ng Dencio's Metrowalk. Hindi pa nakakahinto ang sasakyan ay may nagprotesta na sa mga pasahero, kasi raw sobrang dyaheng makita kami paisa-isang bumababa at nagtatatakbo pa sa ulan. Magtataka rin ang makakakita kung paano nagkasya ang labing-apat na lalaki sa pang-sampuang byahe. Tuloy, para walang makapansin, biglaang nagbabaan ang lahat pagkahintong-pagkahinto ng sinasakyan namin.

Habang nagpapatila ng ulan at iniintay ang pagdating ni Arrjae at Papu, nabanggit samin ng buddy ni Marvin na may utang daw kaming bente pesos sa asawa niya. Kaya pala ok lang sa mamang driver kahit na inoverload namin ang sasakyan niya dahil tiba-tiba rin naman siya sa aming lahat.

Dahil matagal tagal rin kaming nag-intay ng masasakyan sa Megamall, unang ginawa ng mga tao ay pumasok sa loob ng bar para hanapin ang CR. Sa haba ng pila sa nag-iisa nilang banyo, ang iba sa amin ay nagtiis na lang ng pag-ihi sa pamamagitan ng pakikitsismis sa mga natira sa labas. Nagkataon naman na puputok na ang pantog ko kaya kahit mahaba ang pila, nakijoin na rin ako sa mga nag-iintay.

Ilang tao na ang naglabas-masok sa banyo at sa wakas isang lalaki na lang ay makakapasok na ako. Matapos pa ang ilang minuto, pumasok na rin ang lalaking nasa unahan ko. Ngunit, sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, binuksan niya muli ang pinto para tawagin ako at sumabay sa kanya. Unang akala ko, dalawa ang urinal sa loob, kaya ok na rin sa akin. Laking gulat ko na lang nang makita kong ang toilet na iihian ko ay nakatapat sa isang wall mirror. Kapag nagkataon, anuman ang gawin kong pagkukubli sa aking putotoy ay masisilipan niya ako, sakaling tumalikod siya at humarap din sa salamin.

Sa mga oras na yun, gusto ko na sanang magback-out, kaso dyahe rin naman sa kanya. Tutal, pareho naman kaming lalaki at ari ko lang namang tulog ang makikita niya sa akin kaya umihi na rin ako... Hindi ko nga lang alam kung sa aking pagtungo ay siya naman ang nakatingin sa akin.

Pagkalabas ng cr, una kong hinanap si Roy para ikwento ang nangyari. Nagkataon na si XP ata ang una kong nakasalubong kaya sa kanya ko ibinahagi ang aking karanasan. Matapos pa ang ilang sandali, lumabas na rin ang lalaki para hanapin ang kanyang kasamang babae. Sa aking tantya, ang tangkad niya ay 5'6, moreno na chubby at may brown highlights ang buhok.

Kung papakinggan ko lang ang aking malisyosong pag-iisip, sasabog ang aking radar sa mga oras na iyon.

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Ang tradisyong inuman sa Odders ay nagsimula pa noong unang panahon - noong kami'y anim pa lang sa grupo. Madalas, bestfriend naming lahat si Macho Mug - Mula Eastwood hanggang Timog; Sa Paragon Plaza hanggang sa Makati dala namin ang beer. Kung ang iba sa amin ay ang alam lang ang bumirit sa videoke, at ang iba naman ang alam lang ay mag-ledge dancing sa club, pagdating sa inuman ng beer, nagkakasundo ang lahat.

Kumbaga, isa ito sa common ground ng barkada.

Ilang minuto pa ang nakaraan at dumating na rin sa wakas si Papu at si Arrjae. Para silang magkuya na nanggaling sa loob ng taxi. Kapansin pansin rin ang pagkakaroon ng chest ni Paps mula noong huli namin siyang makita.

Matapos ang panandaliang group hug, bumalik kami sa aming mga kinatatayuan para patuloy na mag-intay sa magtatayuan mula sa dining table doon sa smoking area.

Puno na ang Dencio's ng kami'y makarating doon. Ang ibang bars naman ay last order na kaya medyo alanganin ang aming sitwasyon. Patuloy kaming naghanap ng matatambayang bar. Ang lahat ay puno na. Isa sa mga nasa harap na sinusundan ko ay nag-suggest na mag Elbow Room na lang daw kami, Sumang-ayon naman kaagad si Papu kaya kahit malayo pa ang aming lalakarin pabalik, masigasig ang aming mga binti makarating lang sa recieving area ng bar na yun.

Pagdating sa pintuan, sinabihan kami ng bouncer na may private party daw na nagaganap sa loob. Mga tiga-Beda daw at may live band pa. Hirit naman ng nasa likod ko, ayus daw yun para may mga junjun kaming makita.

Kung papalarin pa, pwede kaming magdala sa VIP para naman may complimentary boytoy pa kami.

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Para makapasok sa loob ng Elbow Room, mga VIP rooms na lang ang available nila. Ang isang VIP room ay nagkakahalaga ng 6 K kapag inupahan. Sobrang way beyond yun para sa budget namin nung gabing yun. Pero, alang-alang sa samahan, keri pa rin. Bahala na kung paano babayaran. Sa laki ng purchasing power namin, ilan sa kanila ang willing maglabas ng mas malaki kesa sa karamihan.

Nang binuksan na ang mga ilaw, ang dalawang TV na may videoke... at nang nagsimula na magbilyar ang mga iba sa amin, biglang bumalik ang ala-ala ng Christmas Party. Ito kasi ang isa sa mga tradisyong tumatak na sa aming lahat.

At gaya ng nasulat ko sa blog ko noong isang taon. Ang Christmas Party ang magpapa-alala kung gaano naging matagumpay ang samahan ng Odders.

Ilang saglit pa, dumating na ang pulutan - ang hipon, pusit, chicken teryaki at pati na rin ang balde-baldeng beer na kinalat na sa buong kwarto. Habang nagkakantahan sina Arrjae, Roy at Dennis... at naguupdate ng mga buhay buhay si XP, Jio at si Paul; Habang nakaupo sa isang tabi at nagpapahinga ang mga buddy ni Goonie, Marvin at Nate. At habang si Nate at Papu ay nagpapalitan ng kuro-kuro tungkol sa kanilang work out, ang mga simpleng eksensang ganito na kapag pagmamasdan mo sa malayo ay parang portrait ng isang pamilyang magbago man ang panahon, ang tradisyon nito ang siyang magbubuklod-buklod sa kanilang lahat, saan man sila patungo.

Sabi nga ni XP noong magkatabi kami sa upuan, "I like this sort of group were having now." Yes bud, it feels so home.

Matapos uminom ng pitong boteng San Mig Light, at makipag sayaw sa mga kabataan sa labas habang nagkakantahan ang mga kagandahan sa loob ng VIP room, nagpaalam na rin ako pag 2:30. Sumusuray man palabas ng bar, solb na solb ako. Ramdam ko kasi kung gaano ako naging at home muli sa mga taong, kinalakihan ko na.

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Naging matagumpay ang Contingent noong Sabado. Gaya ng pangako ko kay Nathan noong huli kaming nag-usap sa text, suportado ko ang lahat na tatawaging lakad ng ang Odders. Hihigitin ko pa ang mahihigit ko, bumangka lang ang bilang ng tao. Napag-usapan rin na ang mga susunod na lakad ay gagawin ng Sabado para ma-accomodate pa ang iba. Dahil dito, matapos ko man ang semester ko sa Oktubre, sisiguraduhin ko na ang bagong day off ko sa trabaho ay tatama na ng linggo.

Kung tama ang aking assumption, ito rin ang magiging opening salvo ng mga Contingent namin hanggang December. Kumbaga, dahil matagumpay ang start-up, ang build up nito ay higit na mas promising kesa noong nakaraang taon.

Bahala na si Batman kung ano ang mangyari. Isa lang ang sigurado ko.

Sa anumang takbo ng buhay PLU meron kaming lahat, basta andjan ang tropa at may contingent, mawala na ang lahat, tropa pa rin ang kasama.