Phanks stayed in my place for almost a week.
It was a sort of living-in together, and its outcome was rather disturbing than pleasing.
I realized that I could not give up my space and freedom easily. We were in conflict with many things - especially with my orderliness against his messy preference. I also had to endure watching telenovelas for a week, since it was his favorite pastime when he arrived home. Our only common ground was the knowledge channels like Nat Geo and Discovery.
Our close physical contact also revealed a more disturbing reality about us: He is not as sexual as he used to be before. I thought that his stay in my place would bridge the gaps between us through closed, physical contact. I was looking forward to having a romantic time with him but he never felt what I needed. I had to manage my sex drives, which had gone haywire alone. I did my best to control, even if I was left very frustrated when he always turned down my intentions. He came at a time when I was at the peak of my hormonal activity. Unfortunately he never saw what my need was, despite my constant begging of him.
Nevertheless, I still became the devoted partner he expected me to be. I was there during his downest moment. I even provided my own financial resources just to pull him up. His troubles became mine up to the point where I was the one resolving some of his problems for him. It was somehow unfair to me - considering that I've been the one stronger for him all the time, but time had already taught me the means to cope up.
He returned yesterday to get back his things he left in my room. It was a very brief and cold encounter, but a sad one too.
Because I know that I lost a companion, the moment he stepped outside the door.
If only he was sensitive enough to understand my needs without me telling him bluntly what they were. If only he was more mature enough to handle his own issues and understand mine at the same time.
Then I guess, I don't have to resort to Darkstar or anyone else for my own comfort.
But despite the issues and my hesitations to talk about it with him, I am still confident that we will endure. I may not have the best one, but I've learned how to deal with him - in my own sneaky, secretive and devotional terms.
---
The thought was breathtaking, but in reality it didn't happen.
I was speaking about the threesome I (carelessly) wrote sometime ago. The story behind it was, I had this chance encounter with two guys in a G4M forum. They were looking for a third partner who will serve as their bottom.
At first, I was just mocking another poster who said, he'd be the third wheel so long as the other two guys pick him up and pay for his transpo going home. While reading their exchanges, I was laughing at my chair.
What's so hilarious about this poster was his nerve to ask the hunks to extend their generosity to him. As if naman ang gwapo niya. Think of a nerdy, lanky kid wearing glasses asking two older guys showing a lean torso pic "na sunduin siya at bigyan ng pamasahe pauwi." The poster was obviously an effeminate. When I joined the bashing, I told him, "tatagal ka ba sa dalawang yan? Baka mamaya pag binira ka eh magsumbong ka sa mommy mo?"
The three of us had our turns bashing the guy, until I had a slip and said, "Haha wag ka na! Akong gawin nilang bottom, ako na pupunta sa place may pasalubong pa akong Pizza." It was meant as a joke.
But the two guys took it seriously.
I continued with my bashing - even to the point of providing details as to what I will do with the two horny tops, just to put down the poster. (and release my own libido, that was becoming extremely uncontrollable that day) When he left, the two guys who were looking for threesome suddenly had their eyes on me.
I was their new prey.
To cut the story short, I was on the defensive. They were accussing me of bluffing - that I'm just a istirero. I had to make a move to protect myself so I sent them my face-pic, hoping it would turn them off.
Nagkataon, walang mas astigin, so ako pa rin ang pinuntirya.
In the end, I was short of saying "hahanap ako ng mas ok para sa inyo, meron akong tropa cute at wild yun!!" Just to make them leave.
Eventually they did, after I traded them my number and telling them that I'm not available during their planned date. The following day, they did not text me. I did not text them either, fearing that such inquirty would only make an impression that I'm still on the go.
The entire experience was nerve wrecking - not because I don't know what to do, but because I felt how the thrill and fear collided in me. It was an ultimate trip that could satisfy my hidden demons big time. However, the uncertainty and the guilty feelings that would follow, left me having some second thoughts on my decisions.
In the end, I followed my conscience. I backed off from the temptation. It was a threesome I am not absolutely ready to take yet.
It was a sort of living-in together, and its outcome was rather disturbing than pleasing.
I realized that I could not give up my space and freedom easily. We were in conflict with many things - especially with my orderliness against his messy preference. I also had to endure watching telenovelas for a week, since it was his favorite pastime when he arrived home. Our only common ground was the knowledge channels like Nat Geo and Discovery.
Our close physical contact also revealed a more disturbing reality about us: He is not as sexual as he used to be before. I thought that his stay in my place would bridge the gaps between us through closed, physical contact. I was looking forward to having a romantic time with him but he never felt what I needed. I had to manage my sex drives, which had gone haywire alone. I did my best to control, even if I was left very frustrated when he always turned down my intentions. He came at a time when I was at the peak of my hormonal activity. Unfortunately he never saw what my need was, despite my constant begging of him.
Nevertheless, I still became the devoted partner he expected me to be. I was there during his downest moment. I even provided my own financial resources just to pull him up. His troubles became mine up to the point where I was the one resolving some of his problems for him. It was somehow unfair to me - considering that I've been the one stronger for him all the time, but time had already taught me the means to cope up.
He returned yesterday to get back his things he left in my room. It was a very brief and cold encounter, but a sad one too.
Because I know that I lost a companion, the moment he stepped outside the door.
If only he was sensitive enough to understand my needs without me telling him bluntly what they were. If only he was more mature enough to handle his own issues and understand mine at the same time.
Then I guess, I don't have to resort to Darkstar or anyone else for my own comfort.
But despite the issues and my hesitations to talk about it with him, I am still confident that we will endure. I may not have the best one, but I've learned how to deal with him - in my own sneaky, secretive and devotional terms.
---
The thought was breathtaking, but in reality it didn't happen.
I was speaking about the threesome I (carelessly) wrote sometime ago. The story behind it was, I had this chance encounter with two guys in a G4M forum. They were looking for a third partner who will serve as their bottom.
At first, I was just mocking another poster who said, he'd be the third wheel so long as the other two guys pick him up and pay for his transpo going home. While reading their exchanges, I was laughing at my chair.
What's so hilarious about this poster was his nerve to ask the hunks to extend their generosity to him. As if naman ang gwapo niya. Think of a nerdy, lanky kid wearing glasses asking two older guys showing a lean torso pic "na sunduin siya at bigyan ng pamasahe pauwi." The poster was obviously an effeminate. When I joined the bashing, I told him, "tatagal ka ba sa dalawang yan? Baka mamaya pag binira ka eh magsumbong ka sa mommy mo?"
The three of us had our turns bashing the guy, until I had a slip and said, "Haha wag ka na! Akong gawin nilang bottom, ako na pupunta sa place may pasalubong pa akong Pizza." It was meant as a joke.
But the two guys took it seriously.
I continued with my bashing - even to the point of providing details as to what I will do with the two horny tops, just to put down the poster. (and release my own libido, that was becoming extremely uncontrollable that day) When he left, the two guys who were looking for threesome suddenly had their eyes on me.
I was their new prey.
To cut the story short, I was on the defensive. They were accussing me of bluffing - that I'm just a istirero. I had to make a move to protect myself so I sent them my face-pic, hoping it would turn them off.
Nagkataon, walang mas astigin, so ako pa rin ang pinuntirya.
In the end, I was short of saying "hahanap ako ng mas ok para sa inyo, meron akong tropa cute at wild yun!!" Just to make them leave.
Eventually they did, after I traded them my number and telling them that I'm not available during their planned date. The following day, they did not text me. I did not text them either, fearing that such inquirty would only make an impression that I'm still on the go.
The entire experience was nerve wrecking - not because I don't know what to do, but because I felt how the thrill and fear collided in me. It was an ultimate trip that could satisfy my hidden demons big time. However, the uncertainty and the guilty feelings that would follow, left me having some second thoughts on my decisions.
In the end, I followed my conscience. I backed off from the temptation. It was a threesome I am not absolutely ready to take yet.
---
Four story arcs, one central character.
The epilogues are meant to be written not as an end in itself, but a sort of point of reference to the stories that these episodes would spawn much later.
This past week, several bloggers I know almost decided to close their journals. They had different reasons which were all valid. When my blog was just starting, I had the same fears too. I feared that nobody will ever read me. (knowing how ultra-melodramic my writing was) But, I continued blogging. It was my last free space where I could express myself without anyone, but myself contradicting me. I blogged without any direction or sense of purpose until I saw years later how my own story opened and closed depending on what life throws at me.
If there is something this two-part entry tells, one thing is certain.
Life is a never ending journey.
The epilogues reveal that in every conclusion, there is a new episode waiting to be written as a prologue to another story.
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