I found him sitting in the front row of a videoke area at Robinson's Place Amusement Center. He is waiting for his turn to sing his favorite love songs, like he always do as a pastime.
Tucked at the far end of the mall beside a famous gym, the amusement center is like a forgotten hang-out place for the bored and lonesome. Often frequented by kids and blue-collar workers, it reminds me of how different I am from my buddy. Being an anti-mall person, I will always have to bear the fact that we can't really enjoy hanging out together.
But this is our special day. Therefore, I had to endure the mall tour just to be with him even if it was a mere half-hearted effort.
He sang three songs, which he always sing since time immemorial. The jologs girls at the back (who actually looked like low-class hookers) screamed as my buddy reached the end of his performance. In fairness to my beau, he has the voice. If only I am as good as him, I wouldn't mind having a duet with my partner. Unfortunately I'm not. The last time I was forced to sing was during the recent PEx Grand Eyeball where I downed six mugs of San Mig Light before I could sing Crazy For You by Madonna. Take note, I was able to sing it because Lostwansoul, our host chose the Spongecola version for me instead of the pop diva.
We immediately left after his turn. As we looked for a restaurant to dine in, he noticed a small woman talking to someone on the phone in English. Inspired by her accent, my buddy began having a conversation with me in English, insisting that we should do it to improve his language skills.
---
Like all other anniversary celebrations we had, this year was not spared from the annual jinx.
Several days ago, Darkstar made a surprising comeback. It was followed the same day by P-Man's promotion from being an ONS buddy to being a special FUBU friend. Last night, Phanks made me upset by forgetting that today is our anniversary. He even contested this afternoon that our anniversary falls in the month of May instead of April.
Of course, he will never be right. How could I forget our beginnings when he was the first friendly meet up I had after I broke up with my ex-buddy.
---
Finally, we decided to eat in the food court instead of the restaurants. He said he wanted rice for dinner and the only decent place I had in mind aside from the fastfoods was Kamay Kainan. For reasons only known to my tummy, I had this craving for Kare-Kare and Lechon Kawali this evening and only that food kiosk serves the dish my stomach desired.
However, the Fried Squid Rings from a nearby kiosk caught my buddy's attention. The kiosk was well lighted and very tidy, that their dishes served in huge trays appealed to our watery eyes. When I've learned that their combo meals were relatively affordable, we immediately changed our plans and instead chose to order our dinner at Panda's.
Over our dinner which includes Sweet and Sour Pork, Pancit Guisado, Fried Squid Rings and Chopsuey with lots of baby corn on it, we talked about his school grades. One thing I'd be always proud about Phanks is his string of academic recognitions in school. Like me, he is a working student too and compared to the laid-back environment I enjoy in the masters, he is struggling to keep his scholarship in a prestigious college along Taft Avenue.
That's why he frequently stays in my place, not to be with me but to use my computer for his research and school projects.
After our heavy meal, we skipped his habitual window shopping by leaving the mall(since he knows that I couldn't stand being at the mall without buying anything) and proceeding to Malate immediately. He wanted to have a brief stroll and feel the place again after many months of absence. As always, I've been his patient listener as he talked about his plans and frustrations in life. He told me that he wanted to have his own computer. I told him that I could save his money for him if he wanted. He also wanted to have more time for himself, in which I told him, he should live along Taft instead if he really wanted such extra time. For me, no matter how many issues he brings up, it doesn't matter. So long as I could manage my own personal issues - whether he finds about it or not, I could still find time to listen and provide him advice in order to fix his own life according to what I see fit.
I wanted him to spend the night with me in my place, but apparently he had other plans tonight. I didn't buy his excuses though, but instead of making an issue out of it, I simply did not complain.
I could mope around, feeling bitter that he declined my request. But I see no point in doing it. I wanted to prolong our time to be together and the only thing I had in mind was to volunteer to accompany him to Monumento, where he will ride a jeep going to his apartment in Valenzuela. The long, uneventful travel would buy me more time to bond with him, even if we're not uttering any word inside the jeep.
As the jeepney speeds along Rizal Avenue, I noticed a significant change in him when it comes to his openess about his sexuality. A few years ago, he would insist on finding a girlfriend and marrying her someday in hopes of ending his bisexuality. This insensitive claim left me frustrated, knowing that I have no future with him. He will get mad if I showed even a little hint of intimacy inside the jeepney by brushing my arms against his when it hung on the estribo.
Tonight, it was he who brushed my arms and poked my finger just to show his affection. Such display of intimacy showed the openness of our relationship and its endurance no matter how complicated it had become as time passed.
Since it was getting late when we arrived at Monumento, I asked him to ride the first FX that stopped in front of us. It may have been a very anti-climatic parting but at the back of my mind, I felt a strange lingering sadness as his FX zoomed away from me. It felt like struggling to hold on to a past that is disappearing. Now that my views on relationship has drastically changed, I don't know anymore what to believe or look forward to in a relationship that I'm trying to work out for myself.
Since I know that it's working perfectly well for him.
A friend asked me yesterday if I still love my partner. I told him that I don't know how to define love anymore. I just do whatever I think what my partner needed, even if it means suppressing my own needs. I guess it is another sign that I'm already over the sweety-sweety stage and I see love nowadays in a pragmatic and cynical point of view.
But just this once, do you want to know what I honestly feel right now?
I'd give everything just to see him sleep in my bed tonight, so I could hug him, kiss him and make love to him before I face another uncertain day, when the sun comes tomorrow. I wanted to feel secure in his arms while his warm naked body presses against mine.
Tucked at the far end of the mall beside a famous gym, the amusement center is like a forgotten hang-out place for the bored and lonesome. Often frequented by kids and blue-collar workers, it reminds me of how different I am from my buddy. Being an anti-mall person, I will always have to bear the fact that we can't really enjoy hanging out together.
But this is our special day. Therefore, I had to endure the mall tour just to be with him even if it was a mere half-hearted effort.
He sang three songs, which he always sing since time immemorial. The jologs girls at the back (who actually looked like low-class hookers) screamed as my buddy reached the end of his performance. In fairness to my beau, he has the voice. If only I am as good as him, I wouldn't mind having a duet with my partner. Unfortunately I'm not. The last time I was forced to sing was during the recent PEx Grand Eyeball where I downed six mugs of San Mig Light before I could sing Crazy For You by Madonna. Take note, I was able to sing it because Lostwansoul, our host chose the Spongecola version for me instead of the pop diva.
We immediately left after his turn. As we looked for a restaurant to dine in, he noticed a small woman talking to someone on the phone in English. Inspired by her accent, my buddy began having a conversation with me in English, insisting that we should do it to improve his language skills.
---
Like all other anniversary celebrations we had, this year was not spared from the annual jinx.
Several days ago, Darkstar made a surprising comeback. It was followed the same day by P-Man's promotion from being an ONS buddy to being a special FUBU friend. Last night, Phanks made me upset by forgetting that today is our anniversary. He even contested this afternoon that our anniversary falls in the month of May instead of April.
Of course, he will never be right. How could I forget our beginnings when he was the first friendly meet up I had after I broke up with my ex-buddy.
---
Finally, we decided to eat in the food court instead of the restaurants. He said he wanted rice for dinner and the only decent place I had in mind aside from the fastfoods was Kamay Kainan. For reasons only known to my tummy, I had this craving for Kare-Kare and Lechon Kawali this evening and only that food kiosk serves the dish my stomach desired.
However, the Fried Squid Rings from a nearby kiosk caught my buddy's attention. The kiosk was well lighted and very tidy, that their dishes served in huge trays appealed to our watery eyes. When I've learned that their combo meals were relatively affordable, we immediately changed our plans and instead chose to order our dinner at Panda's.
Over our dinner which includes Sweet and Sour Pork, Pancit Guisado, Fried Squid Rings and Chopsuey with lots of baby corn on it, we talked about his school grades. One thing I'd be always proud about Phanks is his string of academic recognitions in school. Like me, he is a working student too and compared to the laid-back environment I enjoy in the masters, he is struggling to keep his scholarship in a prestigious college along Taft Avenue.
That's why he frequently stays in my place, not to be with me but to use my computer for his research and school projects.
After our heavy meal, we skipped his habitual window shopping by leaving the mall(since he knows that I couldn't stand being at the mall without buying anything) and proceeding to Malate immediately. He wanted to have a brief stroll and feel the place again after many months of absence. As always, I've been his patient listener as he talked about his plans and frustrations in life. He told me that he wanted to have his own computer. I told him that I could save his money for him if he wanted. He also wanted to have more time for himself, in which I told him, he should live along Taft instead if he really wanted such extra time. For me, no matter how many issues he brings up, it doesn't matter. So long as I could manage my own personal issues - whether he finds about it or not, I could still find time to listen and provide him advice in order to fix his own life according to what I see fit.
I wanted him to spend the night with me in my place, but apparently he had other plans tonight. I didn't buy his excuses though, but instead of making an issue out of it, I simply did not complain.
I could mope around, feeling bitter that he declined my request. But I see no point in doing it. I wanted to prolong our time to be together and the only thing I had in mind was to volunteer to accompany him to Monumento, where he will ride a jeep going to his apartment in Valenzuela. The long, uneventful travel would buy me more time to bond with him, even if we're not uttering any word inside the jeep.
As the jeepney speeds along Rizal Avenue, I noticed a significant change in him when it comes to his openess about his sexuality. A few years ago, he would insist on finding a girlfriend and marrying her someday in hopes of ending his bisexuality. This insensitive claim left me frustrated, knowing that I have no future with him. He will get mad if I showed even a little hint of intimacy inside the jeepney by brushing my arms against his when it hung on the estribo.
Tonight, it was he who brushed my arms and poked my finger just to show his affection. Such display of intimacy showed the openness of our relationship and its endurance no matter how complicated it had become as time passed.
Since it was getting late when we arrived at Monumento, I asked him to ride the first FX that stopped in front of us. It may have been a very anti-climatic parting but at the back of my mind, I felt a strange lingering sadness as his FX zoomed away from me. It felt like struggling to hold on to a past that is disappearing. Now that my views on relationship has drastically changed, I don't know anymore what to believe or look forward to in a relationship that I'm trying to work out for myself.
Since I know that it's working perfectly well for him.
A friend asked me yesterday if I still love my partner. I told him that I don't know how to define love anymore. I just do whatever I think what my partner needed, even if it means suppressing my own needs. I guess it is another sign that I'm already over the sweety-sweety stage and I see love nowadays in a pragmatic and cynical point of view.
But just this once, do you want to know what I honestly feel right now?
I'd give everything just to see him sleep in my bed tonight, so I could hug him, kiss him and make love to him before I face another uncertain day, when the sun comes tomorrow. I wanted to feel secure in his arms while his warm naked body presses against mine.
I know, it's just wishful thinking.
A truth revealing itself to a person whose heart was left beating after a special event brought new life into it.
Hoping it would never stop anymore.
---
There once was love thrown into your room
But you never knew
A calendar of days just for you
But you never knew, never knew no
And the truth that you'll find will always be
The truth you hide
- Collective Soul, How Do You Love
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