Curtain Call (Epilogue)

So that is how things have ended for Kitsune at Club Bath, Macoy, of whom you are an inspiration for his debut at the bath house scene. "For the first time," he told me. "I can bypass the dance floor or the chat rooms, if and ever I would need a place to run away and hide."

Like what Kitsune claimed in his story, his first time was a flop. Nevertheless, his failure meant that he wouldn't have to worry making some kills again. In a time of great cynicism, one less casualty meant that there is still hope to nurture his ideal and romantic side; that not all pain can be eased away by a night's carnal abandonment.

However, the story never ended there. Kitsune, in his blinded restlessness, continued to prowl the dense and pretentious jungles of online communities and chat rooms in search for his prey. His approach was deliberate. It was driven by a desire to get back at things that were deprived of him in the past few weeks.

Yet fate intervened again in favor of his better angels. In his darkest hours, it was either he was rejected completely by others or he was the one rejecting strangers around him. Everything was just a mere game for Kitsune and despite harboring ill feelings to those who deceived him, he never dwelt on it. He continued to prowl in the darkness until there was no more land to move.

In Kitsune's search for his prey, it lead him to a spot where he was forced to accept the truth about his spiraling emotional situation and how it lead him to look for happiness elsewhere. Despite how uncertain and double-bladed happiness was for him, an emotional hop from person to person lead him to endure the cold rebellion he waged against his significant other. Kitsune, after all, was a fox who never faced his tribulations squarely.

June ends and his search eventually exhausted him. Lately, he still explore the jungles, which had been his secret hideaway for quite sometime. But after a two-minute stand-off with his other half lead to a brief truce and reconciliation between them, he realized that feelings spent elsewhere is bound to end in obscurity. He knew where his heart will always be bounded, and to lend it to someone else - only to get it back after things turn better for Kitsune would be utterly unfair to the one who briefly kept his heart for him.

Such realization was the reason for his complete turnaround now that a full month has come to a perfect circle.

And like the proverbial egg in which all things began. Kitsune will start the new moon void of traces of the past. Gone are the flirtmates, textmates and those who have briefly crossed his murky path during the last month. Nothing will be retained so that there will never be a reason for him to look back and regret.

Stories end when a new one begins. Life is like a long novel full of many episodes and story arcs which defines our main character's humanity. Kitsune's journey while brief and engrossing, ends for now. In his place, takes the story of Mugen and his unique interpretation of life. At the end of things, we are not judged by how we messed up in order to reach a realization.

We are judged by how we have managed to overcome such mess and ended up being a better person, when light draws near into our lives.

Dark Broken Red Jars (Last Part)

What's the difference between the Lion and the Fox? The Lion waits for its prey to come over, while the Fox prowls behind the bushes, warily making sure that the prey he would catch later offers no resistance.

But for Kitsune the fox, he was neither the prey nor the predator. He was just a mere beast lost in the maze of confusion and emptiness.

---

First times will always give a person a valuable lesson.

Kitsune arrived at the bath house past eleven thirty with the firm belief that he would score big once inside the place. His assumptions were right, for in just a matter of minutes, he was already cruised by someone whom he perceived as his superior. That someone was Paolo the horndog. He was manly, aggressive and just slightly older than Kitsune. He was the person our fox was aiming for.

But Paolo was already a hundred times more cynical than Kitsune. Being a rookie in the scene, he was not aware that sex is just sex and nothing more. It's either you get off with someone, or suffer being the rejected one who wandered from corridor to corridor, looking for those who wanted to have another last round before leaving the mansion for good.

Despite his youthful appeal and masculine demeanor, Kitsune became the odd one out. He let go of too many potential kills, that in the end, he forgot that his real enemy was time. No one was coming anymore and everyone - especially the fishable* ones were already leaving the place, happy that their carnal needs were satisfied that night.

At quarter before 1 am, Kitsune began the offensive. Just short of doing obvious acts to catch his prey's attention, he made sure that they know he wanted them. Instead of walking fast in the hallways and moving from corner to corner like a restless beast, Kitsune relaxed his ways and lowered down his defenses to let others get to know him better.

He began to talk to them, and eventually earned their trust, if not their earthly desire which is what he was aiming for.

"I cannot understand why everyone tells me that it's their second time at the mansion, when it's obvious that they know the ins and outs of the place," Kitsune remarked to me while guzzling my first beer.

"Maybe it's their defense mechanism. Sagwa naman sabihin na parokyano ka ng bath house diba?" I explained.

"Sabagay, tama ka. Pero bakit ganun, they always asked me naka ilang rounds na ako?" He continued.

"Ano sabi mo?"

"Zero. Yun naman ang totoo eh," Kitsune answered.

At that point, I realized that Kitsune himself, was playing a deceiving game to lure his prey to trust him. By claiming that he hasn't cum yet, when those he talked to knows how fishable he is, was his ploy in telling them, somehow, that he wanted to have them. The only problem is, Kitsune was too shy to admit that he liked to flirt with the persons he was talking to. That's why they, thought he was just there to have a conversation, nothing more, nothing less.

"Remember the motto of the bath house dude?" I asked him.

"There's a thrill in silence, yeah I remember." He answered.

"Then you should have struck when the iron is hot. Kaya ka napapagkamalang top ng mga top na bet mo eh, sobrang angas mo kasi pag-ikaw ang nagcrui-cruise eh."

"I'm not that confident to make the first moves. Mahiyain ako eh." Kitsune explains.

"Then you won't get anywhere. I remembered how you told me how the chubs over there were making their killings simply because they were so damned open about their carnal needs. Pa-maria clara effect ka kasi eh. Yan tuloy ang napala mo."

It turns out Kitsune almost had his kill, if not for his mistaken attachment to Paolo who was his guy template the whole night.

Just before closing time, he noticed this chinito guy following him around and smiling everytime their eyes met in the hallway. He was tall, lean and somewhat appealing. But the problem however was that Kitsune was looking for a hyper-masculine guy. He found the chinito too gentle for him.

In one of their final encounters in the hallway, this chinito started a conversation by asking how he was. Eventually this chat lead to intimacy, which somehow weakened Kitsune's defenses.

"So how it started?" I asked him.

"He asked me for a hug. I gave him a tight one, but I already knew where it would lead to. Suddenly I felt his boner getting bigger and bigger. It did stir my interest but I already knew that I would go down without having an orgasm."

"That's interesting. It never happened before."

"Yeah. He then commented that my skin is too warm to touch. He might have thought of it as a sign that I'm getting horny as well. But believe me, I didn't even have a boner that time." Kitsune further relates.

"So what happened next?" I urged him to continue.

"We went upstairs - back to the private cubicles where Paolo and I almost did it. We didn't do any oral - I don't even remember kissing him. We did a mutual though to which he came. I even complained that why did he cum a lot. He just said that everyone tells him that."

"What about you? Don't tell me you did not cum?"

"I didn't..." Kitsune answered while staring on the wall across the street.

"Why?"

"I realized that I shouldn't deceive myself. We didn't really hit sexually, if you want a clear answer. Much as I would like to think about it as just mere sex, I remembered something I told myself many years ago."

"And what is it dude?" I asked Kitsune.

"I won't get off with someone just for the sake of getting off," he answered. "Besides, its all too clear to me that I have my own preference - just like everybody else. He didn't really fit into that ideal so it would be just useless to come, when I know, I won't get completely satisfied in the end."

"So what happened after?"

"I stayed for several minutes more, until the whole place - including the dark maze was already bathed in light. I saw the cute guy, who stole Paolo from my grip still looking for someone to get him off. But he was too late, it's all over. Those who remained all went down to take a shower and to dress up. It was a good night, but I knew, I didn't make a kill."

"But you know what," Kitsune continues. "In a way I'm happy that I didn't make a score** in Club Bath. I won't take into considerations the persons I've encountered - for nothing really happened between us. All we did was touching, which is not really the basis for the scoring.

"And what is your basis Kitsune?" I asked.

"My basis is whether I had come or not. So long as I didn't, then it won't add up to the kills I kept ever since I've been aware of this.

If I stayed inside the room that Paolo visited," He continued, "I would have witnessed an orgy with my own eyes. I might have been a participant if I'd let go of my inhibitions."

"Why are you telling me all these things pare?" I asked him with a puzzled look.

"So that you would know, that despite everything that I've seen in that place. I can proudly say that I left Club Bath intact."

"I have overcome my own carnal instincts long enough to prove to everyone that I don't easily bite."

---

*fish - to look for a potential mate; fishable - potential mate

**score - number of sexual partners.

-epilogue-

Dark Broken Red Jars (Part Three)

With the disconnection comes the need to reconnect again... to anyone who might need a connection.

---

After Paolo left, Kitsune went downstairs to look for him. When he arrived at the dark maze on the second floor, there were around ten people standing in the corridor. Some are busy cruising around, like wandering souls looking for someone to give them peace. While others are contented in their sentry position near the hall's darkest corners. Eyes were staring at Kitsune, perhaps to catch his attention. But he had his specific target in mind. Unlike the guys he encountered elsewhere, the silhouette in the darkness tells that he is dealing with older, mostly overweight men. Tummies were bulging as they walked along the chamber and excess skin visibly droops from their big flabby arms.

Nevertheless, Kitsune didn't mind these hungry spirits. Instead, he went on checking out the leaner and buffer ones who silently stood there hoping to catch their attention. At the back of his mind, he is not really rushing. What's important to him is to pick the right person and spend a night's eternity with him in that promiscuous mansion.

As he walked towards the lighted portion of the maze, somebody grabbed his arm in the dark. When Kitsune looked at the stranger, the man was tall, dark and quite lean. He is actually the guy he is looking for. Taking this opportunity to finally cut his connection to Paolo - who abandoned him earlier, Kitsune entertained the guy's invitation to have him as company. Immediately he brought Kitsune to his room for some private raunchy time with him.

"I find you tall, young and goodlooking," the man said. Kitsune was definitely flattered. He never really saw himself as one.

"But I'm not really experienced when it comes to this," he innocently told the man, as tried to feel Kitsune's arms and chest.

"Relax... Just lie down and I will do the job for you," The man assuredly told him. At this point, Kitsune realizes that he was with a guy twice as old as him.

Just when his towel was about to drop, Kitsune caught the man grining at the prospects of getting a good catch. His incomplete, crooked teeth and slight effeminate gestures turned him off in an instant, he begged the man to stop what he is about to do.

"Why?" The man asked.

"I want to go downstairs to get some water, you're getting me nervous," Kitsune said in a cracked voice.

The man stood up and stayed beside the bed. Kitsune immediately secured his towel around his waist and rushed towards the door - not even looking at the old man who appeared puzzled with Kitsune's sudden reaction. For him, it was something too much to handle. He was not prepared to have a good time with someone he could actually think of as his father.

"Do you think he bought your excuse?" I asked him.

"Now that I think about it, he could just told me, 'bakit ka nandito kung hindi ka pala handa?'" Kitsune answered, while scratching his head, perhaps realizing the flaw of his excuse.

"I will ask Macoy what he did during his time. I'm sure he had better ways of turning down someone without hurting his feelings," I told him.

After returning from his trip to the water dispenser, Kitsune wandered elsewhere, avoiding the spot where he met the old guy a while ago. By this time, the cruisers were now fewer in the corridors and the private rooms were now filled with groaning sounds of men. In his solitude, Kitsune asked himself the reasons for going to such a place.

Is because of boredom? Is it because he is curious about bathouses and wanted to personally experience how it feels like being in such a place? Maybe there was an unspeakable emptiness within that brought him there. Like everyone else does, he might be looking for someone to fill whatever void he felt that night. It doesn't matter what happens afterwards. Kitsune simply wanted to have someone make him feel needed even if for just one night.

Hours passed and Kitsune found himself literally wandering alone in the halls and corridors of the maze. Twice he bumped into some guys going downstairs - their mission accomplished in going to the mansion. He followed them to check the expressions on their faces, if there was any. What he saw afterwards made him just more confused. "Most of them just bowed their heads when they see me, or they stare blankly into space while checking themselves in front of the mirror," he told me afterwards.

As Kitsune checked his belongings in his locker, he noticed a small, dark-skinned guy smiling at him.

It was Paolo, who was already dressed and ready to leave the place at any moment.

"I was looking for you. Where have you been?" Kitsune said with a mixed feeling of joy and relief.

"I told you, I wanted to walk around," Paolo went to sit beside him.

"So, have you cummed already?" He asked Kitsune.

"How can I cum when all I've been thinking of is you?"

He smiled and squeezed Kitsune's leg as a sign of appreciation. Kitsune moved closer to feel his hands working towards to his crotch area.

"Dude, don't. I can't walk with a tent in front of me." Paolo, who was already lusting over Kitsune's naughty remarks began asking him personal questions. He asked him where he lives and if he's interested in going out with him after their encounter at the mansion. Paolo, who seemed to be interested in prolonging his association with Kitsune glady revealed to him his more human side. He even proposed exchanging numbers with Kitsune, which the latter politely declined.

As they continued to flirt with each another in the locker room, another guy arrived. He was still wearing his outdoor get-up which means he had just arrived at the mansion. Kitsune noticed that this new arrival had a fair-skin, muscular body and extremely manly gestures. This guy didn't fail to catch Paolo's attention either, who immediately disengaged with Kitsune to coax the new guy to submit to his carnal wishes.

"You let him do that to you? I can't believe it,"

"Yeah, para namang sa akin siya. He's the kind who collects and collects other guys. It's not my cup of tea but I understand him perfectly," Kitsune defends.

"So what happened?" I asked him.

"The newcomer ignored him completely. At first I thought they were partners before. But it seems like it was their first encounter. Paolo was just an aggresive jerk who wants to bed every guy who catches his fancy. I'm sure you have met these kind of guys before."

"Yeah, I do. Their perversity appeals to me, but I know that they'd just skin me alive if I disarm myself in their presence," I told him. This time, I'm on my third stick of yosi and thinking of buying a San Mig Light in a nearby Sari-sari store.

"Since the guy ignored him, he returned to flirting with me. I responded with more determination to get off with him."

"Really? I hope it's not an act of desperation," I cautioned him.

"Nope, why should I. I just like him and that, I don't find anyone who could match his appeal to me."

"So what happened next?" I urged him to continue his story.

"We went upstairs. This time he was looking for a private room that we could borrow from one of his 'friends.' We went to the third floor first, where there's a room at the end of the hallway whose owner he apparently knows. He knocked on the door and when the owner opened it, there were two other naked guys lying on his bed."

"My god, what kind of hell have you been to?"

"Joms, you know what I'm capable of doing. Don't get surprised when I tell you these kind of things."

"I know, but as far as you told me, the capabilites you mentioned were only theoretical. You haven't reached the edge yet," I told him.

"Whatever. Anyway, I didn't enter the room to join them. I waited for Paolo to finish his conversation with the room owner and when he returned and asked me why I didn't follow him, I told him 'i want to be alone with you'"

"Sounds like Toto's story.* Then what happened?"

"We returned downstairs to look for other rooms available in the dark maze. Then this cute guy we met in the locker room suddenly appeared out of nowhere. His sudden arrival - now walking around with only his briefs on caught Paolo's attention even more. In front of me, he tried to make out with him. This guy, who was getting annoyed in the beginning eventually surrendered his defenses to the dominant intruder.

Paolo told me 'sandali lang.' In which I cordially replied, 'take your time.'"

"Fuck you man, I didn't know you're that looser," I told him in an irritated manner.

"At least hindi ako naghabol o nag-walk out diba? I've always held an air of aloofness the whole time I was there," Kitsune said.

"So where did your aloofness brought you?" I asked him, disappointingly.

"A brief moment later, the cute guy emerges from one of the dark corners. It seems that he succeeded in resisting the horndog who hounded me the whole time I was at the mansion. It was, of course, the last time I saw Paolo.

But unfortunately, his thoughts lingered on in my mind for the rest of the night."

---

*Toto, Kitsune's second fuck-buddy.

-tobecontinued-

The Planetkiller

@)*$# ka layuan mo si _____________.

- the boyfriend.

---

Malay ko ba na may syota siya?
Malay ko ba na sa sobrang katangahan niya
eh hindi niya dinelete yung mga landian
namin sa text message?
Malay ko ba na kapareho ko rin
siya na nagrerebelde?

Mabuti na lang, at kakikilala ko pa lang
sa kanya...

So paano ngayon.
Deadma?
Ituloy ko pa rin ang pakikipag-usap
upang malaman ang puno't dulo
ng kanyang pag-aalsa?
O lumayo ng tuluyan at kalimutan
itong episode na ito?

Bahala na.
Ngunit, sakaling
mag-iba ang direksyon ng
hangin, at pinili niyang
ituloy ang usapan.

Siya na siguro
ang taong pinaka-closest
na sumalamin
sa sitwasyon ko.

Sa unang pagkakataon,
makakaharap ko ang taong
maaring makaunawa sa akin.

---

On the other hand, I decided that I won't bring my misery to others by messing another relationship. It's their life and I shouldn't have any business with it. Therefore, I decided to delete his number on my phone and block his profile in my G4M account. Fuck the friendship, when all we ever wanted behind our minds is to get into each other's pants.

The 'Phone A Friend' Strategy

It is how the gentle people do it. When someone you met is about to cross the line, ask a confidant to bail you out by calling you and command you to get out. For me, it's the most subtle way of telling someone, "you're not my bet." without telling him straight on his face or resorting to doing a one-way eye-ball, which is the bane of all meet-ups.

---

So we were there in his room. It was dark and the only light that illuminate our surroundings come from a table lamp nestled on his study table. Songs of Christian Bautista and the other balladeers play on the DVD, while half-empty bottles of Red Horse rests on our feet.

I was seated a space away from him in a long monoblock chair. He tried to get closer but I brushed him off by moving further away from him, while looking at the cigarette smoke shapes floating above us. We talked about things related to being a PLU. I found out that he is just a newbie in the chatroom and that, he twice invited guests in his place before me.

Several times, he asked some sexual questions, which I wearily answered despite the feeling that he wanted something to happen between us. Even if I am inclined to save the meeting by insisting on the value of friendship above the hook-up, the room setting he created blatantly spelled that he wanted even more - which I perfectly understand that it was supposed to happen, even if he never mentioned it.

Just before things get more intense due to the influence of Red Horse, I sent distress beacons to three friends that I trust enough to reveal my darkest monsters. "Dude, please call me. Pretend that you are my boss. This is an emergency," I wrote in the text.

Minutes have passed and there were still no response. With all the skills I learned in communicating, I overturned the sexual topics and focused instead to the trivialities of our lives. It worked long enough for someone to finally respond to my beacon.

I held on to avoid a dead air between us. Soon, my phone rang and it was from an anonymous number. If it was a deux-ex machina moment, then I should consider myself blessed. So I answered the phone despite being unaware of who the person speaking on the other line is.

What's important to me is to get out without making the other person feel that I turned him down and his intentions.

"Hello sir. Kailangan niyo na akong bumalik sa office? Hindi pa rin ba ayos ang problema? I'm on my way sir."

With just one call, I got my freedom back.

I immediately drunk the beer on my bottle and then sincerely thanked my host for adopting me for the evening. Despite the disappointing look and sarcastic smile on his face expressing a failure of intentions, he let me go without any more protest. After all, he doesn't have anything to hold to. In our chat conversation before the meet-up, I never mentioned hook-up as part of my reasons for hanging out in his place.

When I left his apartment, I immediately called the anonymous caller to personally thank him.

It was Macoy.

His intervention not only saved my ass from committing a blunder I would regret in the end, he also made me feel that despite being solitary and lonesome these past few days, I could still lean on to people, just when things get tough.

And the world I used to know is closing down around me.

The Matchmaker

I hope you become friends...

- anonymous reply

---

I have been a very bad boy.
I have been corrupted.
But there remains a part
of my self, a desire
to bring those around me
closer together.

In my failures,
I work for them to succeed.
In my wars,
I dream for them my peace.

So once again,
I dub myself the matchmaker

Not of potential relationships
but of budding friendships.
May the soft-spinning wheel
of fate draw them together

For in their bonding,
I may finally find atonement
for the black spells that I have casted.

Fallen From Grace

What goes around, comes around.

That's what I've painfully and humiliatingly learned tonight, after deciding to follow my worst demons rather than go home and do the assignments that I was tasked to complete for tomorrow.

It must be fate's retribution for my arrogance and overconfidence these past few weeks. I should have known better - that I am still bound by the unspoken hierarchy that rules over everyone in my world. I thought that my newfound improvement could break the rules imposed by the ones on top. But in so many cases, I was just pushed back to the place I am supposed to be...

... To the place I was only meant to be.

The events that unfolded tonight will always be a reminder of how harsh and unforgiving it is in the world that I wanted to return to. The demoralizing thought of my disastrous miscalculations that lead to being booted out in the face of better competitions will eventually pass. I might even regain my ivory-tower ego that was trampled and crushed upon because of my blinded desperation for attention.

Nevertheless, I will make sure, that tonight will be the turning point for all the efforts and initiatives that I have done to complete this physical reconstruction I started last year.

This day will always be remembered every time I lose sight of what goals I wanted to achieve with myself in the years to come.

The memory of becoming disowned and decieved will linger on for sometime. And the words "hindi ka namin bet." will echo on and on in my ears for months to come, every time I will attempt to break my position in the hierarchy again.

However, with the pain comes a reminder that will always put my feet on the ground.

It would stir more humility and heightened sensitivity from me, especially if I would be facing something this disturbingly unfamiliar in the future.

Indeed we needed to be knocked hard, in order for us to wake up from the illusion we sometimes desire to dwell on.

In my case, I was knocked not only once, but twice just to wake-up from my impressions of superiority.

And despite the pain that hasn't even sunk yet, I'm glad I was knocked with a direct hit.

For I discovered, there is determination in the face of utter defeat.

---

Pulsar: Ikaw kasi eh, ayaw mo magpaawat. Tuloy, tinamaan ka ng kidlat.

Mugen: Sige na, ma-pride na ako, tanga pa. Si Darkstar kasi, masyadong lumalakas ang loob. Tuloy buminggo tayong tatlo.

Darkstar: Masakit nga yun mga dre. Pero at least ngayon, may reason na si Joms maging determinado.

Pulsar: Saan?

Darkstar: Secret.

Mugen: Ah basta, talagang mag-iingat na ako ng husto sa susunod. Lalo na sa ganun.

Pulsar: Think of the bright side. At least, we are saved in so many ways. Get my drift?

Mugen: But we paid very dearly for it.

Pulsar: Isipin mo na lang, karma ni Joms yan. He had his time anyway.

Darkstar: Tama na nga to. Let's move on wearily, pero we should always remember what happened... Makakaganti rin tayo.

Intermission Number

Ngayong gabi ko talagang narealize na ang hirap pala para sa isang matandang effem ang makipag-flirtan sa isang bata at fit na member sa G4M. Ilang beses ko man isaisip na may kanya-kanyang taste ang mga tao sa mundo ng cruising, pero ang totoo, laging ang buff, makinis at masculine ang laging nasa top ng hierarchy ng mga PLU.

Ang hirap man, pero ganun talaga ang buhay.

Hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit sobrang vain at nag-fefeeling bata ang karamihan ng mga PLU na kilala ko.

Dark Broken Red Jars (Part Two)

In the playground of the imps, even angels can be corrupted to demons.

---

Kitsune continued to recall his first time experience, even if he felt awkward to share it with me.

"I entered the door which leads to the lounge area," he began. "The room was so big, I think it occupied the entire half of the ground floor. There is a TV on my left side, where a half-naked, fair-skinned guy in his mid-20s with only a white towel wrapped around his waist was watching Pinoy Big Brother. A few steps away from the viewing area is a mini-gym. Nobody was working-out when I was there, but looking at their gym's configuration, I think it's just a display in the lounge area."

If not for the attendant who asked Kitsune to follow him, he would have stayed longer at the lounge room, observing the activities of the members while checking out his potential kills. The attendant lead him to the locker area where he presented him his own locker. Two members also arrived and without saying any word, they took off their pants and shirt, hanged them in their lockers and left the area as soon as they arrived.

Kitsune took off his orange shirt slowly and with a feeling of hesitation exposing his naked body, he hanged his shirt in the closet. Then he wrapped the towel around his waist and pulled down his pants, including his undies. Suddenly a dark-skinned chubby guy peeked from the shower room to check him out. Kitsune simply brushed him off and continued changing his clothes.

After he finished changing, he went upstairs to check the place out.

"The second floor was like a maze full of rooms as big as cubicles," He said. "It was very dark and men just stood in corners and intersections, waiting for their cruisers to pick them up. Since I had a poor vision, I went to the third floor through this steep spiral stairway that lead me to another lounge area. Beside this lounge area is an open-air garden but it was off-limits to guests."

"Opposite this garden is a big empty room that is even darker than the maze below," Kitsune continued. "Since there were only long wooden chairs in that room, I assumed that it must be an orgy area when there are no private rooms available downstairs," He explains. "There were guys chilling out in these rooms, however, since I was still exploration the place, I went downstairs through a stair I found on the other side of the third floor."

Barely a minute after he went downstairs, he passed by two guys who were talking about something. His presence disrupted their conversation and the smaller of the two men who noticed Kitsune first broke the ice and introduced himself as Paolo.

"So are you alone?" Paolo asked.

"Yeah, it's my first time here and I'm just looking around, checkin the place out." Kitsune answered, while checking out Paolo's companion, who at that time was smiling at him.

"Darn, he's an effeminate," Kitsune said to himself. "So Paolo, how many times have you been here before?" turning his attention back to Paolo.

"Around two..." He replied. "Anyway do you want some company dude?"

Before Kitsune could answer his question. Paolo gently held his arm to draw him closer to him. His swift and daring moves pinned Kitsune to the point of no resistance. Much as he would like to avoid a head-on encounter, he eventually ended up making out with the first guy who cornered him at the mansion.

"So what happened?" I asked Kitsune. His story has made me scamper for a yosi stick myself.

"His aggressiveness unleashed the monster in me dude," I noticed Kitsune's eyes still blazing with lust. "He asked me if I have my own room, which I answered none."

"Then what happened," encouraging him to reveal more details.

"We went upstairs, in the orgy room which I passed before. I didn't notice that there are private areas in that room and they are as big as a changing room in a department store. It has a hole on its side - a peeping hole to be exact. He told me to plug my small towel in the hole so that no one could peep on what we're gonna do."

"Then what? Tell me more," I insisted him further.

"Before I could look back, his towel fell, exposing his massive hard on pointing at me. Without saying any word, he hugged me very tight, kissed me torridly and even told me 'ang sarap mo pare, hindi kita pagsasawaan.'"

"Fuck you Kitsune. Why did you let yourself submit to his control?" I retorted while smiling sheepishly as he recounted his story.

"He was a good kisser par," Kitsune said defensively. I might be far taller than him, slightly more good looking than him but his masculinity turned me on. Besides, I like his lean body and moreno skin. It's like I'm doing it with a sekyu officer or something."

"So what happened next?" I urged him to continue.

"He pushed me against the wall so hard, he forced me to release my own demon. After he told me those words. I gripped his arms, raised them up, pinned my body against his and fought back with more consummate kisses that almost tore his lips apart."

"Wow, that's a good offensive huh?" I told him.

"I squeezed his hard-on so tight, it made him groan a little. He made me stand up, and clamped my prick between his legs. He did a frottage on me and to return the favor, I nibbled his shoulder blades and biceps which gripped him with so much pleasure, he asked me to stop what I'm doing. Being an obedient cruise partner, I stopped, only to find out that his real intention was to catch me off guard, and suck my nipples profusely."

"Hayup ka talaga pare. Ayoko na," I protested.

"But I'm not there yet, I thought you want to hear my story?" He told me, while his eyes turned to the passing tall chinito guy behind us.

"Anyway, it was just a foreplay. A play that I can willingly part my cum for," Kitsune said as I noticed his mood turning sour. "Just when things are really getting hot, he looked into my eyes and asked what time I would leave the place. When I told him that I had just arrived, he stopped what he was doing and told me... "

"What?" I asked him, with a disappointed look on my face.

"He told me, 'let's go and have a stroll outside.' He then left immediately, I didn't even catch him go out of the orgy room."

---

-tobecontinued-

Dark Broken Red Jars (Part One)

Boredom is dangerous, especially for a guy who feels unloved.

---

Dear Macoy,

Now, I perfectly understand why you ranted in one of your notty entries before how the sight of half-naked guys with bulging tummies and sagging man-boobies turned you off, when you were the one standing there, at the "Mansion's" darkest spots.

I remembered your story after a friend, which we will call "Kitsune" suddenly found himself at the same place you used to call your "playground" when you were still here in the country. Many months ago, you used to frequent that place. Somehow, your stories inspired him, subconsciously. One night, when boredom suddenly hit him, Kitsune realized that he needed some thrill. "After all," according to him. "The night is still young and so is he."

So he rode a jeep at Buendia going to Taft Avenue. His plan was actually to attend a party at Govenrment only to find out that he went a week earlier than the supposed event. Embarrassed in his situation, he left the club and went to spend a PLU night anyway. The problem was where he would go. Palawan is so far away and it would be awkward to return to Cubao, since it was his first destination when he set to go out that evening. So he consulted me if BED would have a good party vibes on a Thursday night. I told him that the White Party is just days away, most probably all the guys are saving their energies at home for this one-night of reckless abandon. Therefore, after he figured out that it would be very shameful to dance alone in the dancefloor, he thought of a nastier night-out instead.

When he reached the intersection where the LRT Station casts a dark shadow on the street below, instead of getting off at Taft Avenue, he asked the driver where he would find the jeep going to Pasay City Hall. Being a kind-hearted fellow, the driver dropped him at the corner of Harrison St - half a mile-away from Taft. He then instructed Kitsune to ride whatever jeep that heads off to Baclaran. He got off the jeep and crossed Buendia to the other side, where the jeepneys going to Baclaran makes a temporary stop to wait for passengers. Here begins the point of no return. This is where Kitsune accepts the fact that his destination is getting nearer and nearer to him.

After the jeep passes Libertad, he immediately gazes across the opposite side of the road, where the only landmark of the place he is looking for is an old house, whose front side is obscured behind a thick wall of stone. Assembling the pieces of memory - from the Wikimapia entry I posted many months ago that exactly pinpoints the spot, to the photograph you took of the place, also a year ago. It didn't take long for Kitsune to discover where the "Mansion" is.

Mustering all his guts, he even asked the security guard watching over the place if he was at the right spot. The guard confirmed his initial assumptions. He then let Kitsune enter the old house where a hidden canopy of plants greeted him. At the far end of the garden lies a glass door that leads to the reception area. Here, he met two other guys who were just about to enter the Mansion as well.

Being a first-timer, Kitsune let the two folks be attended first. Observing the two guys before him, he noticed that the first one is a tall, slim Chinese foreigner, while his companion is a gym-fit, semikal guy. This semikal guy appears to know the place very well. The Chinese he brought to the place is a first timer like him. When they finally entered the last door leading to the other side, Kitsune asked the receptionist the procedures to become a member of this exclusive club among men, who shares the same affinity with him.

"May I ask for your ID sir?" The cute, fair skinned male receptionist asked him.

Kitsune gave his school ID.

"Thank you sir," the receptionist replied. "You have to pay a membership fee of P250 pesos and another P200 for the locker. Please be informed that cellphones with camera will be only allowed at the locker area."

So he paid a hefty P450 for the locker and membership fee just to get in. Included in his payment is a big and small towel and a pair of slippers which he would use inside the club. When the transaction was finally over, the receptionist opened the lock to the last door that finally revealed to him what's on the other side.

"If this is my kind of paradise, I can't help but imagine what carnal things the men are doing beyond the lounge area," Kitsune said, while puffing a stick of Malboro Lights. His hand is still shaking while recalling his first-time experience to me.

---

-tobecontinued-

Kim - Siong (Final Episode)

Dream Theater
Regression

Scenes from Kim - Siong and Beyond


Hypnotherapist:

Close your eyes and begin to relax.
Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
Concentrate on your breathing.
With each breath you become more relaxed.
Imagine a brilliant white light above you.
Focus in on this light as it flows through your body.
Allow yourself to drift off as you fall deeper
and deeper into a more relaxed state of mind.


Now, as I count back from ten to one,
you will feel more peaceful and calm.

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six.

You will enter a safe place where nothing can harm you.

Five. Four. Three. Two.

If at any time you need to come back,
all you must do is open your eyes.

One.

Singer:

Safe in the light that surrounds me,
Free of the fear and the pain,
My subconscious mind starts spinning though time
To rejoin the past once again.

Nothing seems real, I'm starting to feel
Lost in the haze of a dream.
And as I draw near, the scene becomes clear,
Like watching my life on a screen.


Hello, Lilibeth.
So glad to see you, my friend.

Kim - Siong (The Lost* Entry, Episode Two)

After Lostwansoul, the one kingmaker and the soul of the Hanap Barkada Group

---

5 am, in a mattress somewhere in the attic.

Lost: Gising ka pa dude?

Joms: Yep, wassup? I bet walang tulugan na ito ah! Pa-morningnan ba tayo?

Lost: Let's see. Hehe, I think we're the last men standing.

Joms: Honga eh, I can't sleep either. Besides, the sky is already turning blue, konti pa may araw na.

Lost: Uh-huh, so how do you find the outing so far.

Joms: It was a resounding success! The daring escape I did at home and at work paid well. Who would've thought we would be this big... and fabulous.

Lost: Oo nga eh. I think the one-week pr campaign we did helped in encouraging other people to join.

Joms: Told ya. Wot I'm really impressed was that you're able to pull everything into places. Even we, before, weren't this organized.

Lost: Talaga? I think it was a group effort. Everybody was determined to make this post-summer outing a success. Besides, the weather cooperated. Somebody must've went all the way to Santa Clara (Church) to offer eggs to the patroness.

Joms: Honestly, I've been monitoring the weather bureau since Friday.

Lost: Really?

Joms: Yeah.

Lost: Cool. So how would you like this HB-post summer outing to be remembered?

Joms: Hmm... marami eh. Would you like me to count the ways?

Lost: If that would make you happy, why not?

Joms: Talaga ha. Well first, the moment we arrived, I knew each and everyone of you are having a good time. Imagine, there were a lot of guys helping in the dinner preparation. I won't forget Dark0lighter's warm smile the moment he saw us. I interpreted it as a sign that we're very much welcome to the group.

Lost: Really?

Joms: And in fairness, his fried chicken bacon roll was fantastic. It complemented well with the buttery mashed potato and the veggie soup that were served during the dinner. Swimbod's mango cheesecake was the best. All the discipline I imposed just to distance myself from all sugar (and sweets) foods fell apart after having a slice of his cake. The boy has hidden talents Lost.

Lost: Sinabi mo pa.

Joms: Yeah, sorry nga pala if I went on with the night swimming with my companions instead of bonding with you guys. It's been a long time since I had a water dip. Besides, at least Jaybeecc found a pool companion. We bonded well especially after Genesis claimed that there was a black lady at the banana plant outside the compound.

Lost: Haha, it did scare a lot of the other guests huh?

Joms: Sino ba hindi matatakot. I broadcast ba naman ni Gen na nakatingin daw sa kanya yung black lady eh. Tapos, meron pa akong narinig na somebody heard some heavy footsteps at the attic, pero wala naman daw tao sa taas. Sa akin dedma lang lahat. I haven't really seen anything that night naman eh. Since Jaybee was interested to listen to my ghost stories, we talked about how I sense them. Ikaw naman, naki-join pa sa pananakot. I was looking at you while you're busy scaring the other guys left in the room by walking on the roof going to the window outside the guys' room.

Lost: I didn't scare anyone. I'm just listening to what they're talking about.

Joms: C'mon. Hehehe.

Meanwhile, Bronxdude was trying to get some sleep on the second floor when he heard me and lost talking. Drawn by our whispered conversations, he went up to the attic and joined our little senti talk.

Lost: So what else can you say about the guys so far?

Bronx: Yeah, what can you say about the newbies kuya Joms?

Joms: I haven't talked to most of them yet. But based on how I would remember them after this getaway, there are several guys that I was able to reach out to when I'm not looking after my two companions.

Lost: Who are they?

Joms: For one, I was able to get to know Larry Perez better. He had great hosting skills and his sexual awareness is at par with mine. Like what I've said before, he was the one who gave me a crash course about Gay Malate history. He was introduced to us by some of my old HB PExer friends during an informal meet-up at the Megastrip over a year ago.

Lost: So he's already a famer.

Joms: Not really. But he's someone who knows his PLU side very well.

Bronx: Talaga?

Joms: Yep. Anyway, TechSupport is still the quiet guy in the group. Nevertheless, I'm quite impressed that he joined the games committee. The Cats and Dogs Game (Where someone from the spectators dragged a barking Swimbod to the rival team's meowing group, resulting to the lost of his team in the game altogether.) The Buo-han game, where my team spelled Kuya CeAsar and Bokayo (instead of Bukayo) resulted to our utter defeat.

Bronx: Hahaha, kung sino ba naman kasi ang bisaya sa inyo eh.

Joms: Magtigil ka, kasama ka sa team natin.

Bronx: Hindi ah!

Joms: Lastly, the Pinoy Henyo game was our proudest achievement. It's actually the only game that we've won... thanks to Bronx's cunning strategy. *wink* *wink* Honestly, without these games, there would never be an icebreaker. I think the reason why I was able to really notice the newbies such as Tahann, Ahron15 and Faipao were because of these games.

Lost: Then we have to congratulate the programs committee for coming up with these games.

Joms: Yeah, and the house committee headed by the celebrity couple Jandreks and Genesis should be acknowledged too. Jollie, Nate and I might have been sleeping on the floor by now if they didn't arrange and ensured our sleeping areas when we arrived here this evening.

Lost: They even gave up their mattress and transfer here in the attic just to let your two companions sleep while we were discussing subjects such as closure and moving on earlier.

Joms: Honga eh. Astig talaga.

Suddenly, Sad and Blue barged in the attic and disrupted our senti talk to inform us that Jaybeecc decided to sleep in his car instead in one of the available mattresses on the second floor.

Worried about the possible monoxide poisoning from sleeping in an enclosed space, Bronx volunteered to talk to Jaybee since there seems to be some unfinished business between them. He got up and asked Sad and Blue to accompany him to the car but the latter was already exhausted to join Bronx. Fortunately, Genesis was stirred by our commotion and volunteered to accompany Bronx persuade Jaybee to return to the sleeping quarters downstairs.

When the four of them left, Lost and I continued our senti talk. By this time, we can already hear the roosters out-crowing each other in the distance.

Joms: You know what, I think aside from Larry, the guys who really spice up the thread and our GEB are Sad and Blue and Bronxdude.

Lost: How come?

Joms: Hindi ko sure. Basta alam ko, when Sad and Blue and Bronxdude are around, nagiging colorful ang GEB natin. Of course, we all know that Bronx is the master of punchlines. Walang hanging moments pag nandyan siya. Si Sad and Blue naman is the rising star. Bakit ba halos every week eh may bago siyang alias? Tsaka bakit masarap pagkwentuhan ang napaka-controversial niyang buhay? Don't get me wrong, they both rock. Sana nga lang eh sa lahat ng lakad natin eh kasama natin sila palagi.

Lost: Sana nga.

Joms: But In fairness, Sad and Blue is a good singer! Pramis.

Lost: Harsh!

Joms: Anyway, another PExer that I find really interesting is Fitzpatrick.

Lost: Why?

Joms: Remember, the first time I noticed him, he was singing Ever After in a perfect Bonnie Bailey voice? The next time I saw him, he was at the middle of a firestorm with regards to his love problems. That moment, I instantly related to him for reasons that I was also facing then. He's actually a source of inspiration. Although, I think, I still need to reach out to him. He seems to be a person who doesn't trust others easily.

Lost: Gaya mo?

Joms: Hindi naman ah! Medyo distant lang talaga ako in person. Hehe.

Lost: Okay. So who else would you remember after Kim Siong?

Joms: Well, natupad ang isa sa mga main objective ko sa pagpunta dito sa event.

Lost: And that is?

Joms: To get to talk to Square Pants. He's a dermatologist right? I wanted to consult him about my zits. Too bad, he doesn't have a clinic yet.

Lost: Ganun?

Joms: And Pepsiblue's a very dominant guy. He's scary when he's mataray ah! Ganun ba talaga siya?

Lost: You have to consider his love problems. :)

Joms: Honga... Btw, I wish Aizen-Sama, Pronghorn and Simplehiro enjoyed as well, even if they formed their own niche.

Lost: We would find that in the feedbacks.

Joms: Yeah. astig nga eh. Their presence meant that we're not just here for fun, but also to bask in their intellect as well.

Bronxdude returned to the attic. He told us everything he and Jaybee had talked about in the car.

Lost: So may closure na kayo?

Bronx: Anong closure-closure. Nag-usap lang kami about some things. We're alright now.

Joms: Pa-segway lang ha.

Joms: Let's not talk about closure anymore. Noong isang linggo pa yan ah.

Lost: Hehe.

Joms: Thanks... Sayang wala dito si Chino Lim. He's one of the guys I was really hoping to come.

Lost: Honga eh, father's day daw kaya hindi pinayagan ng parents.

Bronx: There would be a next time.

Joms: Pero alam mo, without you Lost, this event will never be a success. From organizing the committees to bringing the stuffs that we would use for the meals. You did it all! I think by now, everybody looks up to you as the leader and I'm so happy that you came into our lives.

Bronx: I agree with Joms.

Joms: This event will be long remembered, not only because people enjoyed the activities but because many of them found a connection in the group. If HB is a star right now, it would be as luminous as the moon in a pitch black sky known as the AP Subforum. Surely, most of them won't be expressive to talk about it, but in their hearts, they know, they found something that they will treasure for life.

Bronx: Comment naman jan Lost.

Joms: Lost....

Lost: Zzzzzzzz

Beating all records, Lostwansoul hadn't slept for the last two days just to prepare for the Kim - Siong post-summer event. Like an energizer bunny, he just kept going and going while most of us were showing signs of exhaustion. Indeed, we were the last men standing, but after an hour of sleep, he was already up, manning the kitchen for breakfast.

---

*conversation happened in real-time. Only the subjects were changed to suit the author's desire for writing the entry.

Kim - Siong (Episode One)

"Malayo pa ba ang Silang dito?" I asked Jollieboie, who was at that time dozing off after coming from work during the day.

"Sabi ko sayo malayo pa eh. Hindi pa nga tayo lumalampas ng SM Dasma," He said, with a hint of annoyance from asking him the same question over and over for the last hour.

Meanwhile, Nate_Fish3r, who was seated beside Jollieboie preferred to listen to his mp3s rather than join in the commotion between me and our other companion. Being the silent guy among the three of us, he preferred to observe how we figured things out on our way to the Hanap Barkada Group's post-summer outing. Separated from the rest of the group and leaving Manila after dark, finding the resort in the backwaters of Silang, Cavite was no mean feat.

---

The Hanap Barkada GEB (HB) Thread was established in Pinoyexchange two years ago. It is the successor group of the Outsiders (ODDERS), Straight Natured Gay Guy's Group (SNAGG) and the other LBGT threads that passed into oblivion after its members realized that they no longer needed to hide in the forums anymore. HB started as a small, loose group composed of regular posters in the Alternative Preference subforum of PEx. It would remain so for the first year of its existence.

The group's main objective is to organize a friendly group eye-ball among non-straight PExers who frequently posted on other threads that directly addresses a certain bisexual or gay issue that thrive in the subforum. Since these issue-related threads are many and quite provocative in many cases, the posters in these threads had different personalities and views on the non-straight world. These different views sometimes lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that needed a neutral ground for discussion. On the other hand, those who agree on certain issues also needed a neutral ground for discussing subjects (which are mostly trivial) that don't relate to a certain issue. HB is considered a neutral ground so its main purpose is to serve as the main tambayan thread of these PExers.

However, organizing the GEB was another challenge. First, the thread founder suddenly left the group even before the other PExers started joining in. The one who came after him and tried to organize things wasn't charismatic enough to reach out to many. He gave up the responsibilities even before the first grand eyeball ever happened. And the first GEB itself was met with a cold shudder. Two of those who came were from the Outsiders and when the Odder organizer suddenly informed us of another meet up the same evening the HB set its first GEB, we immediately left, leaving those who stayed texting more people to come.

Because of the cold reception the organizers received after the first GEB, the Hanap Barkada Group had its hiatus. I, for one had a conflict with several of the original members after I felt they're being plastic towards me. In the long run, the only real friendship I have established from the original group was with Bronxdude and Bananaboy. Bronxdude is a small, fair-skinned guy whose smiles and punchlines can make anyone's day shine like sunrise. Bananaboy on the other hand, keeps in touch with my online journal. Anyone who actually reads my deepest thoughts have a special place in my heart. Even if we don't talk that much, my respect and admiration for him has always been sky high. Throughout the entire hiatus period of HB and into my warring days in the subforum, my cordiality with Bronx and B-boy never faltered.

The next time our lives would cross again was at the same thread. A month after a surge of new members came to the thread, the new organizer called for a grand eye-ball.

This time, things were much more hopeful than the first GEB I attended.

---

We passed SM Dasmarinas and my two companions were either sleeping, or their thoughts were so far, they have missed the fact that the resort we are looking is not that far away. The stretch of highway after the mall became increasingly dark and ascending - an impending sign that we have finally left the urban side of Cavite.

Being a guy who doesn't leave the confines of the city very often, a sight of rural life is something very disturbing to me. The moment the bus windows revealed plains and rolling hills shrouded in perpetual darkness and distant lights blinking in the horizon, I became restless and focused my thoughts looking at the highway marker.

"Kilometer 48... If we missed the landmark, then we're off to Tagaytay."

"Don't worry too much, I told the conductor to drop us at Km. 48," Nate Fish3r assured me when we're in Imus.

"But what if the conductor forgot Km. 48?" I quietly asked myself.

So when I saw that we had just passed Km. 38, several more minutes of bus travel and I informed my companions that I would go in front to permanently remind the bus authorities to drop us at the exact spot where we needed to be.

"Malayo pa kayo dun sa babababaan niyo," The driver insisted.

But I was already getting restless and very dark. Expensive and brand new cars overtook the bus several times and billboard signs advertising the fancy restaurants in Tagaytay became increasingly more visible on the road.

I looked at my companions at the back of the bus, who were obviously waiting for my hint to stand up and go in front. A slight nod made them rise up to go in front and join me. Unfortunately, the bus had a brief five-minute stop-over in their main headquarters along the highway and this delayed us in reaching our destination significantly.

However, I took this opportunity to buy a pack of cigarettes at a nearby sari-sari store and enjoy the fresh cold air blown from the highlands.

"It's been a long while since I last felt this cold air hugging my polluted body," I told myself. "Good thing I made this daring escape at home."

Jollieboie and Nate Fish3r also went outside only to complain as to why I asked them to stand up when in fact we're still far away from our destination.

"Ayaw niyo nun, at least hindi lang ako ang mukhang excited." I told them. Jollieboie gently scratched my head as a sign of disapproval. Obviously, among the three, I was the one who is really excited at the prospects of getting out of town.

Five minutes after we went outside, the bus blew its horns telling everyone to return. Several more kilometers of journey into barely lit roads and endless coconut plantations and the bus begins to slow down again.

"Dito na kayo," the conductor told us.

Dropping off the bus, we found ourselves in the middle of nowhere. There was indeed a waiting shed, which was the landmark the organizer told us. However, the road leading towards the interior was shrouded in pitch black.

"Saan dito yung resort?" asked by one of my companions.

"Hindi ko alam, magtanong tayo kung may dumaan."

Luckily, tiny orange lights lit a corner of the dirt road. It turns out that there were several tricycle drivers waiting for their passengers at the bukana. I approached them to ask where Kim Siong is.

"Lakarin niyo na lang, yung unang bahay na maliwanag, yun yun" answered one of the drivers.

So off we went into darkness, dodging possible snakes, eeky frogs and other critters that we might encounter along the road. Meanwhile, Jollieboie's imagination triggered a series of naughty thoughts that never crossed our mind while asking for directions.

"Tsk, ano kaya feeling na ma-rape ka dito?" He asked.

"Wag po! Wag po sa kahuyan, dun tayo sa tricycle niyo manong," I followed jokingly.

Within minutes, the sight of a big, lighted house appeared in front of us. Walking further, there was a Pai-fang gate with Chinese symbols written on it.

"This must be the place," I told my companions.

Sensing our arrival, the dogs began to bark. Soon, the guard opened the doors for us.

"Heto po ba yung Kim-Siong," I asked the guard.

He just nodded and pointed at the two-story house at the farther edge of the compound.

Then and there, I finally heard a guy singing at the videoke bar.

And it was Sad and Blue's voice making birit of a Regine's song. He's one of the confirmed attendees on the list.

Finally, we have arrived.

---

-tobecontinued-

Wanted: Txtfriend - Confessions Of A Paid Chatter (Matronix Remix, Last Part)

So how does one become a Professional Chat Operator?

“First, one must be mature, open-minded and sexually liberated.” John tells. “You may never know what the person on the other line would ask you to do as you have your role-playing session with the User.” He further explained that Operators are always encouraged to be imaginative and creative with their responses since telecommunication laws of the Client do not allow the sending of graphic sex words.

Instead, an Operator handing a “premium adult account” must use idioms and/or slang terms for human sex organs and sexual acts such as “kitty,” “meatie,” “melons,” “getting it on,” and “cherry.”

“Lastly, an Operator must try to have a substantial knowledge of US Culture and Geography,” he added. “When the company was just starting, there were some Operators who would spend time locating Baltimore, or what kind of restaurant Hooter’s is, but this had to be done as quickly as possible in order to avoid making the User impatient and opting-out of the chat service.”

To further give me an idea about the fundamentals of text chatting, John allowed me to briefly take over his post so I could see for myself how the text chat worked (it was a good thing that he was a supervisor and could pretend that I was an applicant).

As a last piece of advice, he told me to always remember that no matter how rude or aggressive the Users became, I was to keep in mind that deep down, they are just looking for someone to drive away their loneliness. As an example, he told me how a colleague was promoted to the Quality Assurance department for being compassionate and friendly with the users.

I nodded and waited for my first keyword. Soon, it came: STACY.

John explained that the User was looking for a textmate named Stacy, as advertised in the Client’s TV spots. I began by introducing myself to the User asStacy. After a minute or two, the User responded by giving his name, age and location. “My name is Kevin, 24 yrs old frm Nashville, bend ova fo me baby, I want to see if ur shaved down there.”

His reply gave me goosepimples. I could not imagine flirting with another guy, even if it was just mere text messaging role play.

John noticed my apprehension and hesitation. Worried that the QA department might notice his response delay, he asked for his chair back and told me to observe instead. “My lovely pink kitty is shaved and Im touching it ryt now baby. Tell me your stats.” He completed his response in less than a minute.

I was taken aback by his casual ease in typing out the reply. Clearly, his job had already completely desensitized him from the awkwardness of flirting with guys. “They would sometimes ask you to take them from behind,” John said. “You don’t want to know what my response to such a request is, right?” We both chuckle at this.

I looked around the office and noted that there were seven other male operators in the adult account. The females only numbered three. When I asked him about the greater ratio of men compared to women in the adult account, John explained that most of the girls feel degraded by that service. “Nababastusan sila kaya they quit after a day or two. Siguro, dahil na rin sa kultura natin… hirap ‘yung mga babae na mag-roleplay,” he told me in Taglish,

John added that a single preference does not dominate the account. As I was about to ask him to further explain what he meant, a new User appeared on his computer screen asking for a guy text mate. The texter turned out to be a married guy in his mid-twenties who lived a double life, one that his wife was not aware of.

“One good thing about this service is that when a User is assigned to you by the system, it is your responsibility to prolong the conversation as much as you can.” He admitted that his responses to the Users have made his colleagues think of him as the most perverted person they had ever met.

In the time I spent watching John do his job, I saw him effortlessly change his character from a submissive policeman to a kinky blonde nurse, shifting to a dominatrix teacher who loved ordering the User to wear a tight school girl’s uniform and be spanked as punishment. Lastly, John;s character changed again to become a caring housewife who took care of the kids while the User worked in a mining site far away from home.

“The possibilities of getting into a new character are endless,” John said. “There were many times I had steady chat-relationship with Users for months, until they just quit on me, frustrated that I never ran out of excuses to avoid meeting them.”

Operators like John are bound by rules, also known as the “Terms of Service.” They are not allowed to say “I love you” to the User no matter how many times the User professes his or her feelings. They should also refrain from giving personal details such phone numbers – even if it’s just a made up one, or give tell the User to meet up at a certain date and time.

They are not allowed to talk to a User considered underage by the chat service (below 13), nor do outrageous roleplaying such as those that involved Incest, bestiality and extreme sado-masochism.

“There were a lot of Operators before who got fired by management for disobeying such rules,” John said. “Sometimes, the carelessness of a chat operator, especially when ignoring the underage rule can cost us an entire account. The Clients monitor us, along with our Quality Assurance Team. They are always on the look-out for Terms of Service Violations.”

As the final hour of the afternoon shift approached, I noticed the brief notes John added to the system about the basic information of the Users he had chatted with. “This is for the next shift.” He explained. Chatzone had a non-stop 24-hour operation, and the notes he provided for the next Operator who would take his place served as a guide for any continued conversations with the Users.

I told John I was going down for a smoke and would just wait for him downstairs. Actually, I wanted to give him more room so he could complete his daily quota of 300 messages.

Downstairs, as I smoked, I realized that no matter how the Operators appeared pleasant and concerned towards the User, at the end of the day, everything was just impersonal role play for them. I remembered how John confided to me that sometimes, he felt guilty about making a User fall for a person he will never see in his life.

“I just tell myself that my only real purpose in this weird job is to give the User a sense of belonging and a feeling of being cared for by someone, even if they have never touched, hugged or kissed that someone yet... nor will they ever do so.”

Reflecting on John’s words, I told myself that sex, or the promise of sex, at least, sells indeed, but this may only be because as society progresses technologically, our sense of connection to others gets compromised.

Perhaps it’s the concept of universal longing for companionship at work?

John came down a few minutes later. We agreed to go to a bar to unwind. As we waited for a cab, I received a message from one of my anonymous text buddies. “Hi there! I hope ur interview was a success. I miss u so much baby. Talk 2u soon,” the message said,

Smiling, I suddenly realized what John meant when he said that each and everyone of us wanted to belong to someone. Beyond the sex chat, what the Users really wanted is to feel human.

John noticed my smile and asked me what’s up. I told him, “Pare, sabi mo weird ang trabaho mo. Actually, naisip ko, hindi naman, e… Nakatutulong pa nga kayo sa ibang tao, di ba? Ang laking bagay nu’n!”

He smiled back. It was one of the warmest and happiest smiles I had ever seen.

Wanted: Txtfriend - Confessions Of A Paid Chatter (Matronix Remix, First Part)

Somewhere across the United States, Mike, a lonely and divorced middle aged man, comes home from a tiring day at work.

He turns on the television and starts to surf the adult cable channels. In-between soft porn movies, advertisements ranging from sex toys to dating services flash on the screen. His eyes fill with excitement as the dating ads tempt him to dial numbers for a hook-up with a “hot date.” Yet, he knows that his daily wages are not enough to get some intimate company, so he restrains himself from calling the numbers.

However, before the channel resumes its regular programming, one last advertisement catches his attention. It’s about some girls looking for ‘textmates.’ They are near his location. Getting his newly bought mobile phone, he enters the SMS keyword that he saw in the advertisement.

“Finally, some local hot girls looking for fun,” he thinks. With one press of the button, he sends the keyword to the chat service provider. After a minute of waiting, a reply arrives on his phone.

“Hi my name is melissa care 4 some fun w/ me sweetie,” the message says, written in the way an ordinary text message is made.

A steamy conversation eventually ensues between Mike and Melissa. So far, so good for the lonely couple, right?

Wrong. Things aren’t what they seem to be, but Mike doesn’t have a clue that Melissa is not a sexy blonde at all.

“Melissa” is actually John, a guy in his mid-twenties busy tapping on a computer keyboard in an office in the third-world city of Manila.

When John received the keyword MELISSA on his computer screen, he immediately became, for all intents and purposes, the dream girl of Mike.

John is a Professional Chat Operator. His job is to reply to SMS sent by lonely foreigners, shifting into various roles with ease, depending on the preferences of Users of the chat-date service, such as Mike.

John is so adept in his work that he can reply to more than a hundred different Users by turns, and adjust his texting style and character to the personalities required by the Users. If the User wants a gay lover, John turns gay, never mind if, in real life, he is fully heterosexual. If he had a female User, John turns on the sexiest male heat he can muster.

I met John several weeks ago on a job hunting expedition in Ortigas. He was looking for a second job then, and while we waited for our turn to get interviewed, he told me about his first job at Chatzone, a local company that handles foreign clients engaged in the “textmate search” business in the United States. He was very friendly and we established a bond immediately.

At 25, he is one of the most seasoned employees of Chatzone, being one of its pioneers. He handles the premium adult account - an account that demands creativity and professionalism from its operators.

Having chatted non-professionally since high school, John clearly had the competitive edge at work. As a frequent user of MIRc and Yahoo Messanger, adjusting to the personalities of different texters had never been that difficult for him. However, one thing that he never expected when he joined the company a year ago, was the necessity to act as different persons to each and every user. “It’s just like having a massive Multiple-Personality Disorder for eight hours, five days a week,” he told me, laughing softly.

Curious about his work, I asked to accompany him back to his office after our interviews. He agreed and soon, I was closely observing how he handled his job.

“A chat operator must always think out of the box,” John said casually, while typing a reply on his computer. “A chatter must always bear in mind that he is texting a lonely and horny guy using the client’s premium service.” Everything is done through texting.

Users think that their textmates are also using mobile phones. In reality, it is a Mobile Phone to PC to Mobile Phone process. Operators such as John use computer software that allows them to receive messages from the User’s cellphone and send replies to the same.

According to John, Chatzone started as a small enterprise that shared a unit with another company providing free e-mail service. The other company folded up, but Chatzone grew tremendously.

“We used to have fifteen chat operators spread across three shifts. The account we handled before came from the United Kingdom, which required us to do hardcore sex chat with their Users.” The account was stolen a year later by some of John’s colleagues who decided to independently run the service themselves.

John further informed me that the outsourcing phenomenon started by the call centers in the country attracted a large chat service provider from the United States. This chat provider sought the service of Chatzone to take over some of their labor-intensive accounts. Since Chatzone had the expertise to provide for the foreign client at a reasonably lower overhead cost, they entered into a partnership with John’s company. Additional manpower hiring came soon after.

A chat operator like John can send as much as 400 text message replies in one shift. “You will be surprised at the volume of text message we receive from the Users,” John explains while highlighting a specific user begging for his girl textmate to call him. “Many Americans live lonely lives, which I find very strange, considering that their economy is more stable and in general, they have access to almost everything.”

Hooking-up is the stated goal in the ads, but of course, this never gets to happen. “They are very insistent in meeting their textmate,” John says. “It can be a real pain sometimes,” he chuckles.

I asked him how he managed to maintain a friendly conversation while dodging a User’s invitation for a sex-eyeball. “We just say that we’re already home and resting,” John answered. “But we never forget to add that we’re in bed and looking forward for some hot chat with someone.”

---

-tobecontinued-

Appleseed

The world is full of sadness and many people would take to the extremes just to have someone to talk to, to feel that they are needed and to have someone make them feel a sort of affection even if it comes in the form of a text message from some woman that they won't never hug or kiss or have sex with in their lives.

- lovingly yours, june 11, 2005

---

It was around mid-morning. The tricycle which I took from Shaw Boulevard, finally found the posh condominium where the company I was going to apply for work was located. Getting out of the trike, I composed a text message telling the interviewer that I was already heading towards the unit where their office was. Almost immediately, he replied and told me to wait for him. He was just doing something important and he would attend to me shortly after he is done with his errands.

When I reached the unit, I rang the doorbell several times but nobody opened the door for me. When I looked inside, everything was dark and bleak. There was a worn-out and dusty sofa set beside the door, beyond the living room was an empty dining table that separates the sala from the kitchen.

I stood at the front door for several minutes, until another guy showed up. He was sporting a long hair and a rugged get up. He introduced himself as an applicant, who's shift in a call center had just ended. We talked briefly about his work, since I was set to join Convergys after passing their English refresher training a week before.

Suddenly, a short, stout guy with eyeglasses appeared before us. Looking at his face, one can assume that he is still young - maybe in his mid-thirties. He was wearing a Lacoste shirt and a cream-colored pants. He was quite cool to talk with, preferring to enter a conversation without any formalities whatsoever. In fact, he got along easily with the other applicant who appeared very confident with the kind of job he was about to join.

The interviewer lead us to the dining table and introduced himself as Francis. He is the boss of the start-up company that is interested to hire us. As he gave a brief history of the company, he took a bundle of teen and adult magazines scattered in one of the chairs near him. He then pointed the several advertisements in those magazines looking for text mates. We read the advertisements from each of the magazines and when we were already getting an idea about the nature of work we will be doing, Francis told us that our job is to respond to incoming text messages in the computer pretending that we are the text mates of the users.

The job description made me pause for a few seconds, to swallow in one gulp what Francis explained to us.

"You mean we have to think and act like the girls or boys these users were texting? How's that possible?" I asked Francis.

"That's why we needed people who are innate actors and actresses; we need very open minded people here," he answered. "This is an adult-oriented business. Are you cool with it?"

I felt silent after his question. While further explaining what the company is all about, all I could think of is whether I am in the right career path, or whether the company I would be joining is legitimate or not.

At that moment, life presented me with two options: Being hired in Convergys was just days - if not weeks away. I could patiently wait for their call, or grab this opportunity immediately since I badly needed work and earnings during that time.

The other applicant, who felt a little restless during the interview asked things about benefits and all those job security crap. Since I understood that Francis' business was just starting, I expected to get only my basic salary for the meantime. Other benefits aside from that must wait.

Francis asked me to wait downstairs while he introduced the system to the other applicant. While waiting for them to return, I called a friend who might be interested to try my company - even if he takes it as a part-time endeavor. Unfortunately he was already well-entrenched at C-Cube during those days, so he just bid me good luck with my interview. When they returned, the other applicant can't hardly talk anymore. He appeared distant - not only to me but also to the boss as well. Within minutes, he informed us that he needed to leave. Nevertheless, he told Francis that he would seriously think about the offer.

The interviewer then asked me to come with him upstairs so that he could introduce me not only to the team, but also to the account that I will be handling - supposed I take the job.

He lead me into a small room with just five computers. There were three operators busy tapping their keyboard when I entered the floor. One is a girl with big chinita eyes, the other one is a guy and the last one, who was loud and flamboyant, is somewhere in-between. He first introduced me to the guy - who was just hired a week before. We would be working for the same account that's why it's important that we get along pretty well. Unlike the other two, who were more interested in chit-chatting with one another than noticing me, this long-haired guy was extremely quiet. He just nodded when Francis introduced us to one another.

The interviewer asked me to sit in front of the computer. He then opened the link to my account and typed a temporary access code so I could work on the system even if I'm just a trainee.

Within seconds, I was already responding to the incoming text keyword appearing on the computer screen.

"Hi, my name is Karla. Do you like to chat with me? How are you?" I slowly typed in the message box.

"Not bad Joms," Francis commended me. "Do you know that there are some applicants who would take ten minutes to write such simple introduction?"

Feeling satisfied with my answers, he left me to check on the other operators. From time to time, he would take a peek on my screen, read aloud my replies, then move on to return to the other operators - who at that time was having conflicts with their day offs. During those tense moments, I kept my cool. Remembering how good I've always been chatting with folks in MIrC. I told myself that I will get this job, no matter what.

Hours passed and I didn't even noticed that the operator's shift is about to end. Sensing that I have had enough exposure with the account. I told Francis that I have to leave.

On our way down, he gave me some few more briefings about the company, the system that I would be working and the environment that I will be exposed to. The details were all forgotten now.

Two years after it all happened.

Today,

From four operators in the morning shift alone, we now number around fifty. The three accounts, which the operators handled when I was interviewed had already grown to around ten. And the four operators that I have met before? The girl became my team leader, the other guy, still silent all these years remains with the company. The other one resigned, just when things were about to turn better.

I became the fourth longest-serving employee of the company, which has now grown so big, I could not keep count anymore of the new operators being hired almost every other week. Things may have been very different now, but whenever I get the chance to remember how I started with them,

And how I almost resigned too many times during the turbulent months of adjustment to the work environment.

I feel a sense of humility out of all the good and bad experiences I already shared with the company - now that I can proudly say that I have prospered in the kind of work I am doing.

And I'm glad that I stayed long enough to recount how simple things were, when the boss was the interviewer and sometimes the operator (when someone was absent) all at the same time.

Such things... will never happen again.