Awake To Emptiness (Donya-Donyahan Sessions Four, Last Part)

I could still close my eyes and remember how I spent my last night at Papu's place.

It was past midnight. The soft orange orbs glow brightly, lighting up the stretch of Riverbanks Road from Blue Ridge all the way to Marikina. The Santolan LRT Station was bathed in white luminescent light radiating over the horizon. The drab houses, which are perched on the hills of Antipolo now glimmer like faint stars in the distance. They form patternless constellations, which when viewed from a high place still makes a person breathless once he gazes at them.

However, the room where I was supposed to sleep was shrouded in darkness. The only source of light that illuminates the entire pad comes from the kitchen, and from the units across the condominium tower where the bedroom - Papu's bedroom was located.

Roy didn't make it. He was supposed to stay and join me for the night, but something came up and he was not allowed to leave home that evening. The cheap boxers shorts, which I requested him to buy for me did not materialize. Since my provisions were only intended for an overnight stay, it was already stretched to its limits. I had to endure an evening wearing a cum-spotted boxer shorts, which was the result of watching too much Xtube videos in the internet.

So I went to Eastwood Cybermall to buy some provisions after receiving Roy's cancellation. Since I was playing the part of being the solitary donya which began on the first night, I had to live it up or my whole act would be put to waste. That morning, I rode a cab going to work. I got off the taxi in front of our building and pretended to be some yuppie call-center agent, ignoring everyone that I came across. In my eyes, I was filthy rich; I was simply doing an eight-hour job because I don't have anything to do with my free time.

If I have done an overboard, I would have pretended that I have a rich boyfriend who went abroad for a business meeting. Of course, Papu's hubby would get mad once he found out that my little "act" would cause some confusion and disbelief. Even if these pretensions were only running inside my head, too much delusion may reflect on one's perception of things.

So I had to resume my routine once work had started. When my shift had ended, I returned to Papu's place riding a lowly jeep in order to save money. Sometimes, acting has its limits especially if you don't have the resources to back your entire play.

Now going back to Cybermall, I was really short of underwear, so I really have to buy a pair of boxers. The cheapest one I could find was displayed at Penshoppe and I was tempted to use my card for the purchase. Fortunately, Phanks returned the money he borrowed several days before. It was supposed to be for my phone payment but I decided to use it, lest I face the hassle of looking for an ATM machine inside Eastwood City.

Then I went to a nearby Ministop store to buy a bath soap and a natural-flavored Nagaraya before going back to the pad.

Coated peanuts was my dinner that evening. There was food in the fridge but I don't know how to cook.

Papu also forgot to leave a bath soap when he and his hubby flew to Davao. Therefore, I had to provide my own.

---

Looking back, it was a night of complete contrast.

I was living the epitome of material pleasures yet I was forced to survive on meager subsistence. I slept wrapped under a thick blanket, which I brought all the way from home to defer homesickness. The AC hummed above me. At home, the electric fan blasted artificial winds on my legs and feet, but my back, face and head remained drenched in sweat. At Papu's, I watched National Geographic on a Philips 37-inch HDTV before going to sleep. In my room, it is the 15-inch Panasonic CRT that automatically shuts off 30 minutes after I dozed off.

Two weeks after it all happened, I still miss that final night.

But what I will miss most is the fact that for two days, I had my independence. I struggled to live alone, isolated from everyone and I succeeded.

The trusteeship of Papu's pad went well and I have completely re-adjusted back to my old life. As far as I know, I did a good job looking after his home and his cat, Alec. Everything is accounted for.

However I am not expecting another opportunity to come in the future.

Knowing that my responsibilities to my family comes first, it will always be Roy - who would be asked first to become the taong-bahay. Since he lives on his own, his assistance would be easier to confirm rather than mine, which only comes at the final hour. Besides, he doesn't have anyone left behind to worry about and he seems more comfortable taking the responsibility I reluctantly accepted.

It was his call and not mine. But it was my dream and not his.

Three years ago, I found myself talking to a unit broker at Espana Towers. I was doing an ocular inspection of a pad that I was pretending to rent. The broker was so convinced by my act that he showed me around in order to allay my doubts. However, I knew the futility of my attempt. It was impossible to afford such a place even if my dad, at that time could afford to buy a brand new car anytime he wants.

He will never grant my wish.

But the dream persisted: "By mid-twenties, I shall know what it feels like to live independently in my own pad." At twenty five, I did finally live in a pad alone, but the dream was not mine to enjoy.

The brief and fleeting Donya-donyahan sessions - for all it's worth and hassles - will forever be a reminder of what it feels like to finally cross the last hurdle and find myself truly there. It lasted only for a day and two nights, but it was the closest I get to having my dream.

I know that it will be a long shot before I could reach my destination. In fact, I may never reach my destination at all. But as a source of comfort, Papu only found himself at that spot thirty one years after he was born.

I am twenty six before the year ends. There is still time.

Nocturne 2

May nakitulog na boylet sa kwarto kagabi.

Shorts and sando ko pa ang suot niya.

Sa lingguhang niyang pag-overnight sa amin, hindi na ako magtataka kung magkaroon ng idea ang nanay, ang utol at ang mga kasambahay ko na may relasyon kami.

Mahigit apat na taon na rin naman nila siyang nakikita na kabuntot ko eh.

And no matter how I appear single in groups and in person; no matter how I sometimes get distracted by my other "covert" activities,

I cannot deny the fact that we lasted this long.

Perhaps, despite my apprehensions of believing that there is forever, we might be, in the end destined to stick together.

We might be meant to stay for a lifetime.

---

Saw your name written on the ceiling
Not sure if I'm still dreaming of you
I've seen you in my sleep

- Nocturne, Spongecola

Manila Zoo

Maaa-neee-laaa Zuuu!! Maa-nee-laaa Zuuu!! Maa-nee-laaa Zuuu!!

Several busloads of pupils, roused and stirred inside their yellow school buses were heard shouting from Quirino to Harrison as their vehicles entered the zoo's parking lot one after the other.

It was more than 15 years ago when it happened. It was a school field trip and I remember being one of the pupils who screamed on top of my falsetto voice to express my excitement after I found out that our next destination will be Manila Zoo.

Aside from the elephants flapping its large ears and whipping its hide with the hay it usually eats; the giraffes with its long tongue, long legs and its habit of picking hats from the visitor's heads; and the large pythons encased in a large glass aquarium as the spectators waited forever for the reptiles to snap at the doomed mouse or chick moving wearily on the other side of the exhibition glass, other scenes inside the zoo has faded away as I grew more distant from the memory of being there in the first place.

As I grew older and gained more freedom to roam the city, I even pass by the zoo whenever my feet would take me to Pasay or Cultural Center. But the thrill of going back and visiting the animals has already outgrown my inner childhood.

I would rather explore other places of wilderness instead.

---

Thirty minutes before my shift ended yesterday. Dodong sent me a text message asking if I'm available later that afternoon. I told him that I'm going to the gym. Nevertheless, I asked him the reason why he inquired about availability. He told me that he plans to go to Manila Zoo to take some pictures for his next photo collection.

He was asking if I am interested to join.

Seizing the opportunity to bond with my brOdder and return to that ancient place of my childhood. I accepted his invitation.

I ditched going to the gym to rekindle a juvenile memory still residing inside my head.

---

Me and Dodong were completely enchanted the moment we entered the zoo.

From the tone of his voice, I can sense that Dodong's giggles and his constant utterance of the word "scary" were from his long lost childhood, repressed from living an adult life. His eyes glowed as he watched the animals - the elephant and the zebra in particular frolic in the presence of curious visitors.

As I observed the animals, apparently aware that they are being watched and observed by human strangers, it felt like their whole existence were meant to provide entertainment and education to people who had never watched Discovery Channel or Animal Planet before. They were caged, dependent on zookeepers for food and well-being, snatched away from their habitat which they would never see again.

For paying forty bucks, what I saw actually was imprisonment. However, despite such gloomy perspective I tried my best to enjoy the sights and commune with my remaining childhood innocence before it would be taken away by life's sophistications.

These are the sights that I saw inside the zoo.

The truth is, what saddened me was the fact that the animals were being neglected. If they received any attention at all, it must have been extremely minimal to the point that it would appall global zoo standards.

The stink from their excrements got stuck in our shirts. I would tell Dodong later after his photoshoot that we smelled like the animals in the zoo. Some of the cages were very small that it wonders me how those animals could consider it a habitat at all.

Finally some of the animals were so old, I felt that they would just expire anytime soon. The lone Orangutan, which is prized by the zoo but considered by conservationists to be on the verge of extinction spent the remainder of her solitary and lonely life amusing visitors with her kissable lips protruding outside her cage.

I hate to admit it, but the more I get exposed to these creatures, the more I felt that they were being used not to educate but merely, to provide cheap entertainment for the mostly unaware visitors.

We left at past 6 pm after spending some time with the animals for two hours. After paying an extra forty pesos to enter the "kindergarten zoo," we were given the opportunity to have our photos taken while the animals were either perched, or their slender bodies wrapped around our shoulders. We had fun, I admit that. But knowing that those animals were being exploited (i wonder how it feels like for the turtle to be seated upon every time a visitor would like to take his picture with the creature), I felt guilty that I have become a part of the freak show.

In the end, I did have fun.

I enjoyed the trip because I saw Dodong's inner childhood slowly being revealed to me.

I enjoyed because nostalgia crept in and made me appreciate how life was better when I was just a kid.

And I did enjoy the trip because despite my age, I still had an "educational field trip" worth blogging.

I learned that it would be better for us humans to leave the wild animals alone, especially if we are not capable of providing them with an artificial environment close to the habitat where we took them from.

I think the city government of Manila should provide more funds for the maintenance of such place. I heard in the news several months ago that the vice-mayor is interested in converting the place to a PBA Stadium. The horror.

Despite the bad publicity I wrote about Manila Zoo, I still encourage people - especially the kids to visit the place. It might stinky and humid out there, but who said the wild has the pleasant smell of Trinoma?

With the aging animals still locked up inside their cages, I suspect that it would be just a matter of time before their passing would come. After all, they spent all their lives providing us with "infotainment" long before the knowledge channels started airing on our cable television.

As I stared at the Orangutan, its hands and feet grasping the thick iron bars that separates the creature from the spectators, its sagging breasts and wheezing cough revealing her very advanced age.

Knowing that she's among the last of her kind, I could almost hear her say,

Find us before its too late. See me before I'm gone forever.

Ang Sampung Perversions Ni Joms

"kung wala edi about you.. kinkiness mo or naughtiness haha..lahat ng mga di namin cguro aakalaing gagwin mo! haha"

- A reply to my comment, reigningmrs.blogspot.com

Hala napasubo yata ako. Pero what the heck. Kahit pasira image, sige na nga.

WARNING: For mature readers only. Katuwaan lang.

---


1. "Astig, totoo palang madulas siya!" - 20 years old ako nang ma-devirginize. Sa kasamaang palad, ito ay sa prostitute sa Bocaue. Siraulo kasi yung tropa ko eh. Hinamon yung isa naming kaibigan na pinaghihinalaan nilang bading noong college. Lahat tuloy kaming mga virgin sa barkada ay napasabak sa gera.

Heto ang reaction ko noong finifinger ko yung tsiks.

After ko ma-devirginize (na maraming kahiya-hiyang bagay ang naganap), narealize ko na hindi ko pala trip ang babae. A month matapos noon, nakikipag-torrid na ako sa lalaki.

2. "Lasang maalat na matamis-tamis." - Bago ako natuto mag-swallow ng sa iba, yung sa akin muna ang pinag-aralan ko tikman.

3. "Tol kwentuhan mo naman ako ng kabastusan..." - Noong kami'y nasa college pa ni pareng ace, umuupo kami sa pinaka-dulong silya kapag buraot kami sa class discussion. Habang nagpapaliwanag ang professor sa harap ng klase, kinukuwento naman niya yung mga pantasya niya sa classmates naming tsiks - na nasa harap at masigasig na nakikinig sa sinasabi ng prof.

4. "Iputok mo... sa mukha." - Turn on ako kapag sa mukha nag-cum yung partner ko. No further explanations needed.

5. Two tops One Bot. - Simula noon, pantasya ko na makipag-threesome sa dalawang top. Mas barako kesa sa akin, mas okey. Maraming near misses, pero hindi ko nakita yung tell-tale signs. Minsan naman ako ang umaatras dahil wala sa mood o kaya wrong timing. Hindi ko alam kung mabuting bagay na hindi pa nangyayari ito,

takot rin kasi akong ma-double...

6. Nagiging Top ako kapag:

1. Mas matagal ang duration na ako ang blinow-job.
2. Mas bata sa akin, lean at moreno.
3. Willing na bottom. Dapat mas masculine sa akin.

So far, dalawa pa lang ang nabobottom ko.

Parehong nagreklamong masakit.

7. Romansa Militar - Yoko sa lahat eh yung malamyang sex partner. Kung pwedeng my blindfolding, cussing, dirty talk mas ayos. Ang mahalaga eh rough siya kasi sa ganoong paraan lang ako nagiging palaban. Gusto ko naririnig sa partner ko kung gaano kasarap yung sex namin.

Turn on ako sa torrid kissing.

At mas turn on ako kapag role-playing... at ako ang nirerape.

8. Secret Talent - Kaya kong magpa-cum ng bottom ng hindi siya nagja-jack off. Hindi ko alam paano nangyayari yun.

9. Blackbook.Doc - Well-accounted lahat ng mga naka-sex ko. May listahan ako na tinatago at included dito ang ilang mga notes tungkol sa taong iyon.

10. Friendship? What Friendship? - Karelasyon oo. Pero wala pa akong nagiging kaibigan na naka-sex ko. Kumbaga, parang hit-and-run ang nangyayari lagi.

Sims 2 Review: Behind A Simulated Life (Last Part)

One feature that really amazes me about the sims is that they are created with an almost life-like characteristics. The game designers ensured that these virtual people can show a full range of facial expressions, as well as simulate human motivations to the extreme.

One time, I created a sim with a bloated face and a tiny pointed nose. He had long blonde hair and a black penciled moustache that resembled that of Salvador Dali. He was loved by everyone and had even married a supermodel who lives across the street. Unfortunately, before he got his wife pregnant, this sim died of electrocution after attempting to repair a malfunctioning TV he bought at a local surplus shop. It had been sold to him by a neighbor who ran the shop and unfortunately coveted his wife. External objects, like the surplus shop, are only possible when the player has installed the Open for Business expansion pack.


As for Brandon Camino, he is now ready to start a new life in Pleasantview. A bum and a bachelor who had a bitter past in the violent streets of Sim City, his aspiration is to have a family someday. A Sagittarian by heart, his deep understanding of the simulated world where he exists, and his eagerness to pursue creative activities is what makes him different from other sims who live in the neighborhood.

I configured his personal background. How he would react and “evolve” as a character would be determined by him.

The game begins with Brandon moving from the family inbox to the Pleasantview map screen. With only 20,000 simoleons, (this is the standard currency in Sims 2) he must find an affordable house in which to live. All start-up players begin with this amount of money so it is impractical to buy an expensive house at the risk of leaving nothing left to buy the essentials that will ensure Brandon’s comfortable existence.

Brandon buys a two-story European townhouse close to the community center, which cost him $12,000. Since the house was barely furnished, I clicked the buy mode screen to purchase a cheap single-person bed, a standard fridge, a telephone, a toilet and a shower cubicle and then finally a TV set worth $500 simoleons. These objects are essential for Brandon’s well being.

In order for a sim to live comfortably in the game, a player must look after his sim’s needs represented by a set of bars. These bars turn red when the sim’s specific need is ignored and turn bright green when the need is fully addressed. These needs are hunger, energy, bladder, hygiene, comfort, fun, and social and environmental well-being.

Hunger is addressed by eating meals whenever a sim’s hunger bar dips below normal levels. A fridge, together with a stove or a microwave oven can provide this need as long as your sim has the funds to buy groceries in the community supermarket. Ignoring this need will certainly cause your sim’s death. Bladder and hygiene can be addressed by a quick trip to the bathroom, provided that there is a shower cubicle and a toilet nearby. Comfort and environment go side by side. Having a sofa in the living room, a tidy house without any flies circling or cockroaches marching across the floor and ensuring regular appliance maintenance will guarantee these two bars’ full level. Finally, getting some sleep in a warm bed or even in a flea-infested sofa will replenish your sim’s energy needs. Ignore this bar and you will find your sim dropping stiff like a log, whenever the energy bar turns zero.

In my game, Brandon is currently busy watching his favorite cartoon in front of the television. By now, all his funds had gone to purchasing everything from a wooden dresser to a lone daisy painting nailed against the kitchen wall. As far as his physical needs are concerned, everything seems to be in perfect order. However, his aspirations have not yet been met. Brandon wants to work in the Military.

Soon, a sim paperboy arrives with the daily newspaper. Brandon goes outside to get the paper. While scanning the job listings, he finds an opening in the local branch of the military. The ad shows that the military is looking for new recruits and Brandon is qualified for the job.

By late afternoon, our sim’s hunger needs significantly call for attention. In a very peculiar manner, he stares blankly into the screen as if addressing me directly. Then he starts to grumble in Simlish (a kind of blabber-talk which is actually the sim’s way of expressing their thoughts and needs) that he is starving. His fridge is stuffed with groceries. I click the object and choose the option “have lunch.” A new submenu appears, allowing me to choose what available meals Brandon can prepare according to his cooking skills.

As the game progresses and your sims grow older, their skills can also improve depending on the career fields they have chosen. Brandon, who dreams of becoming an elite soldier someday, must improve his charisma, mechanical and body skills. These could be achieved by purchasing a mirror, a book case and an exercise machine that are readily available with just one click of the buy mode button.

In his sim-life, Brandon is trying to figure out how to cook a grilled cheese sandwich when the doorbell rings. The sim outside his house is one of his neighbors and she dropped by to welcome him to the neighborhood. Sims 2 will never be the game that it is without the interaction of your sim with another sim. This is where the “virtual dollhouse” concept of Will Wright achieves a full circle. The first meeting between your sim and another sim sets the drama and storytelling feature of the game.

Brandon was so engrossed with his neighbor who dropped by for a visit that he almost burned his grilled sandwich. This wasn’t surprising, because the visitor was none other than the gorgeous Caliente sister Nina. The Caliente sisters are one of the pre-made families that come with Pleasantview.

According to the neighborhood’s background story, Nina and Dina have this reputation of charming any guy that hits their fancy. Dina Caliente once dated both the patriarchs of Goth and Pleasant families, also one of the pre-made families in Pleasantview – until Mortimer Goth passed away due to dubious reasons. Daniel Pleasant was caught by his wife Sue as he flirted with their maid Katrina and was banished from their house. Nina on the other hand, has an ongoing secret relationship with Don Lothario – the so-called Casanova of Pleasantview - behind her sister’s back.

The current state of affairs among the characters in Pleasantview may drag Brandon right at the center of an inter-family conflict. Character for character, Sims 2 can compete with any telenovela anytime.

It must have been Brandon's hidden charms or their compatible astrological signs that convinced Nina to stay the whole day in his apartment. They talked about subjects ranging from fashion, sports and even alien sightings across town which are represented by thought bubbles. They joked around, complimented one another and exchanged gifts before Nina finally called it a night. Gifts are very important in boosting sim to sim relationships in the game. In another game, I once instructed a sim to give a sports car to one of the gorgeous townies and soon after, they got married. Who would have thought that even material objects have a bearing in a simulated environment like Sims 2?

As Brandon’s life progresses, Nina’s relationship with him grows to absolute bestfriends status. The program notices this sudden spike in their relationship. Consequently, Don Lothario begins to make frequent passes by my sim's apartment. He doesn't drop by for a visit even if Brandon is inside the house. But any player, depending on the vividness of his imagination. may feel the growing animosity between them. One false move from Brandon and a fight will ensue between him and the Don.

As I spend more time playing the game, I begin to notice the changes in Brandon Camino’s life. First, his apartment, which used to be the least interesting to visit in the neighborhood, has now become the envy of town. He had gone to the top of his career track in a fraction of the time I receive my bi-weekly paycheck in real life.. His income has now allowed him to buy any object available in the game; he was getting richer and richer, and becoming more and more socially adept.

While life remains stale for me, Brandon’s life basks in the opulence of his wealth.

Throughout his entire lifetime - which can last from one human week (if I spend 5 hours a night playing the game) to a whole year, I will witness an entire life cycle passing in front of me. In such short passage of time, Brandon may have dated five other sims, including even Don Lothario himself (every sim is programmed to have a bisexual orientation); fathered four children from different mothers; adopted a cat or a dog from the pet center using the phone, (With Sims 2 Pets expansion); been abducted by aliens while gazing at the stars through a telescope; gotten bit by a vampire who parties all night in Downtown (With Sims 2 Nightlife expansion); or attempted to become intimate with a female robot from Bluewater Village (With Sims 2 Open for Business).

Looking at all the possibilities that could happen in Brandon’s life, I realize that Sims 2 is a simulation designed to imitate more than what real life can offer a person in a lifetime. The longer one plays a sim character, the more real life begins to feel so boxed-in and drab.

Playing Sims 2 gives a feeling of massive control, an almost supernatural ability to thwart outside forces. Much more than this, it provides hope to the player that all dreams, wants and needs can be met, even if only virtually.

In short, it is like playing God.

As the game designers strive for game development, will there come a time when the sims will eventually be given the power to think, decide and act on their volition? To have free will?

It is possible. But when that finally happens, I will stop playing Sims 2 once and for all, uninstall the game from my computer and keep the boxes which include the expansion packs and the objects catalog, hidden for all time.

When free will finally comes to Sims 2, it can only mean that the sims would no longer need actual human configuration. When sentience is realized, virtual lives would start to blend in with what is real.

Maybe I won’t wait for that time. Maybe it’s time I started to focus more on my own life.

For as addicting as Sims 2 is, simulated gratification can never be hope to be equal to actual real-life fulfillment.

Once There Was An Expedition - Banana Leaf Journey

After Dr. L.R. Tope

---

Our journey began in China, where you made us realize that the Chinese think in dual perspective. They adopted a Yin-Yang outlook, which calls for balance in everything. For them, an object can be seen in two ways. You told us that in times of plenty, they follow the Confucian way. Filial piety is what's important for them. However, in times of great hardships, they surrender everything to the ways of Tao and the Eightfold Path. "Only in surrendering material things, shall we find true happiness." you told us. In China, we were forced to read an entire novel in three days - The Dream of the Red Chamber to be exact. Before, it would take me three weeks to finish a book half the pages of the novel you required.

Such achievement marks the beginning of my affair with literature.

---

When we were in Japan, you told us that beauty is imperfection. The Japanese believe that beauty is a constant improvement of an object. Once it has achieved perfection, the object loses meaning; it becomes utterly useless. I would always remember the story you shared to class between a Japanese and a foreigner. In a tea ceremony, the foreigner took the glazed, regular-shaped cup. For the foreigner, it symbolized beauty. However, the Japanese took the cup that is not only irregular in shape, it had an earthly signature in it. For the Japanese, nature is the closest thing there is to perfection.

The novels told us the Japanese are a melancholic bunch. They pride themselves in using nature to express their emotions. It was difficult to interpret the symbols used in the Tale of Genji. Not only they were sublimely poetic, the characters spoke of "Cherry blossoms" and "restless twilight" throughout the entire novel.

For them, the closer you are to nature, the more you become one with yourself. They even coined the phrase Mono no aware to describe the transience of all things, and the gentle sadness at their passing.

---

The journey turned a westerly direction. We found ourselves being immersed in Indian culture after spending half the semester mingling with the yellow folks and their nature-centric orientation. The Indians are a happy bunch. They are expressive, colorful, loud and very heterogeneous people. In the Ramayana, we learned that the monkeys and the demons were actually the Dravidians - the Aryan's lesser brethren (and oftentimes enemy) in the South. In the Inheritance of Loss, we delved in critical issues ranging from poverty, post colonialism, Indian diaspora and the impact of centuries of British colonization in the modern Indian psyche.

Despite these scars, which they love to use as subjects in their modern literature, The Indian culture remains strong and their patriotism extremely high. Their wars with Pakistan and China were even a point of contention; a source of divergence in every postmodern novel that I've read about India.

---

Before returning home, we made a brief stop-over in Singapore and Indonesia. You assigned us to read the novel Fistful of Colors to learn the history of Singapore. We learned the country's past as it was weaved in the story and through the characters' family background as they all sought their identity at the end of the novel. You even invited the book's author, Suchen Lim to discuss how Singapore's recent history had been quietly altered in order to hide the bad elements of its past.

Progress has a price to pay sometimes.

In Indonesia, we learned how they suffered greatly from Dutch colonization. Like us, they were treated like second-class citizens in their own homeland. The novel This Earth of Mankind resembled our very own Noli Me Tangere in plot and characterization. Unfortunately, you only assigned the first of the four books that tells of Minke's story. I felt hanging after I read the novel.

---

Looking back, all it takes is a semester to transform someone to a new person.

Unarmed with any literary backgrounds or theories, you injected an Asian sensibility into my psyche. I am like a tabula rasa becoming more oriental after being touched by your shining hands of wisdom.

And I became enlightened.

Many semesters from now, other literary inroads will be opened. In order to become a truly good writer, one must be aware of the foundations - the essence of literature. Despite the possibility of being swayed to other directions, your ways has already taken root.

Someday, when I become a better writer, what you taught us will find its way into my writings. The Asian experience that you shared with us will pass on to many people, even if you are not and will never be aware of it.

Finally, I will spread your example of humility. Your friend revealed last night in the dinner that you hosted that the global community sees you as an authority; a prominent scholar in South East Asian literature. I sensed it in class, but I never expected the magnitude of your brilliance.

Indeed a mark of a true genius lies in her ability to be humble in spite of her overwhelming greatness.

Humanity is wisdom.

That is all that I need to learn.

---

"Nakapili ka na ba ng mga subjects mo? Check this list kung anong gusto mong kunin diyan," Dr. Mooney hands me down the subjects list. For the past three semesters after I have been accepted in the masters program, she is the person I consulted.

She is the admiral of my entire fleet. Whatever suggestion she makes, I follow.

The afternoon I visited her, she had a visitor with us. She was a mid-forties plumpy woman with short hair, large bead necklace and a very pleasant and calm aura. She sat quietly in the arm chair while Dr. Mooney assisted me in choosing my subjects.

Dr. Mooney's consultation room was wrapped in silence. However, it was abruptly broken after she asked me if I have taken any electives before. "Bakit hindi mo i-try mag-CL (Literary Criticism) para maiba naman?" She was right. I had not taken any reading subjects before.

Before I could decide what CL subject to take, Dr. Mooney pointed her finger at the visitor who was still seated in the armchair. She felt embarrassed after the spotlight was suddenly turned to her.

"Ayan o, kunin mo yung CL240 (Asian Literary Criticism) niya. Marami kang matututunan diyan." The visitor smiled at the prodding of her friend. "Yun nga lang 8 novels ang babasahin mo sa loob ng isang semester, pero matututo ka talaga" she further added.

Much as I would like to look for other options, I felt that it would be rude to decline Dr. Mooney's suggestion. I could make an excuse and tell the ladies that the class schedule would conflict with my work. However since I am very familiar with Asian cultures and I was already aware that reading would improve writing .

I decided to take the subject. It was the turning point of my entire first semester.

Raising The Stakes Higher

It was a premature emergency, but nevertheless something not to be taken lightly.

Yesterday afternoon, My mom felt like her chest has been squeezed violently. It felt heavy and throbbing. The pain swelled atrociously and she could not breathe because of it. She called her sister, who is a doctor to complain about the pain. Her sister in return insisted that she go to see the doctor immediately.

Our family has a genetically inherited heart disease (and includes diabetes, arthritis, eye problems - name it, we got it.) It is one of the reasons why I try to keep myself fit and healthy. For the past several weeks, my mom had a very stressful time juggling school, (she is a professor and was completing the grades of her students) assisting my sister in completing her long-delayed thesis and being a full-time mother for me and my utol. In between her daily grind, she would overdose herself with caffeine. I told her many times before not to drink coffee too much, however she insisted that it's the only thing that keeps her awake at night.

And so we rushed her to the hospital to see the doctor. My kind doctor aunt, despite her very busy schedule joined us to make sure that my mom was well attended. Her presence in such dire situations assure us that we are not left behind.

That there is someone to back us up.

We waited hours upon hours before my mom could be finally attended by the cardiologist. The doctor did not perform any heavy examinations aside from the ECG, but he did a case history about her heart ailments. It appears like her diabetes further aggravates her cardiovascular problems.

Before we left, the specialist recommended some further test to isolate the cause of my mother's chest problem. He told us that there is a very big possibility that it is her heart and not her chest muscles that has a problem.

The doctor was kind enough to explain my mom's situation in a manner that would not cause any fear or panic. Nevertheless, with the cocktail of medicines that he prescribed, I knew things would be very different from now on.

It means that I have to force my sister to find work as soon as her thesis is finally complete.

It also means that I have to work double-time in order to meet the financial requirements we would need for her health maintenance.

A day after it all happened, I felt a brief relief knowing that it wasn't as serious as I have expected. However, the financial crunch made me regret that I bought a brand new computer last week.

If only my SSS loan would be approved before November ends.

As for now, the only thing I could do is work more effectively and pray that no trouble would arise as I build up my financial fortress in this period of lull. I would have to cut down my expenses by a third (no cab rides every morning, therefore I have to wake up much earlier than the usual) and expand my connections hoping that my social investments would reap some rewards when I drastically needed them in the future.

I do not know how my plans would work. But the wake-up call now prompts that I should do something about it and raise the stakes higher.

Cry

And when I arrived at her room, she was calmly seated in the bed, texting someone on her phone. It is as if nothing had happened. The voice, which I heard when I called earlier reveals trouble. I can feel that she had a difficulty in breathing and fear emanated from her voice. Her distress compelled me to leave the office thirty minutes earlier. Such emergencies will always inhibit me from going to far away places.

Such emergencies will be the reason why my eyes are permanently fixed in the direction of home.

She greeted me with a pleasant voice. I, on the other hand was still shaken after receiving her news. In the cab on my way home, situations form in my head. I was bracing for the worse, knowing how pessimist I am. In the end, I realized that no matter what happens, I will never be ready for such a news. No matter how strong I would project myself, a distress coming from her will always shatter me into pieces.

It felt like something has exploded inside my chest.

I sat beside her and quietly hugged her tight. I knew that she was smiling. Instead of me assuring her that everything will be alright, she was the one assuring me that she will be fine.

This is the very reason why I have a very very soft spot for mothers, especially old ladies.

I leaned on her shoulders like the helpless kid I used to be. For all the best memories that suddenly overtook my thoughts at that very moment,

Tears began to trickle down my eyes.

---

pls col me. Asap
- message received, 1:28 pm

Sims 2 Review: Behind A Simulated Life (First Part)

For Bryz, who insisted that I should show what essays I have written.

And for Mami Athena, for improving on my essays and making it more worthy in the eyes of the "Diliman Gods"

---

The final rays of sunlight pierce through the gap between the floral curtains. In utter silence, I enter my room dropping beside the bed the toils and turmoil of living an employed existence.

I arrived late in the office that morning, motivating our Team Leader to say. “You’re late again Jay. One more chance to prove yourself or it’s suspension for you.” Her comments hardly made a dent in my then muddled brain. As I made my way to my station, snatches of conversations swirled around me.

“The food from Le Mac tasted really bad, I think I should buy my breakfast at Veggies next time. I’m so hungry, I didn’t finish what I ordered.” ; “I don’t have any money anymore. Pare, pahiram naman ng pamasahe mamaya…”

Life is a struggle. It is what the scenes around me depict, whether in the office, or here at home. Even the sunset in my window is obstructed by a row of dilapidated apartments rented out to families who fight over dinner almost every other night.

I lie in bed thinking what to do with my time. Sleeping would be a great idea, but lately, I tend to wake up for no reason at all. When that happens, the desolation of midnight troubles me. So instead of going to sleep, I reach for the remote control hidden under stacks of jewel cases of pirated audio CDs on the side table. I turn on the TV, hoping to check what’s new in the world: Suicide Bombings in Iraq; Gay Marriage debated in the US Preliminaries; another cheesy scandal brewing in Hollywood. The evening news flashed a report about the arrest of one of the suspects involved in the killing of an eight-year old girl found stuffed inside a luggage bag late last month. Some things never change.

Life is harsh indeed. Complicated.

Sick of the news, I turn off the TV and hurl the remote control back to where I found it earlier. I get up from the bed and open my computer. When real life becomes too complicarted, I feel an urgency to free myself from its stranglehold. Longing for a way out, the appeal presented by Sims 2 is too tempting to be ignored.

First released last 2004 by the game publisher Electronic Arts, Sims 2 is a simulation game that offers a chance for players to direct their own lives, as close as possible to their ideal. It is the sequel to the very successful strategic simulation PC game, The Sims. Its creator, Will Wright thought of the idea of creating a “virtual dollhouse” using simulated people or “sims” that players interact with in the game. Due to the limitations imposed by technology, his idea was initially met with skepticism. He was told there was no way that game designers could manipulate a virtual “Ken” and “Barbie’ using computer codes at that time.

Wright persevered. Eventually, the game publishers approved the development of the game in 1995. Incorporating the elements from Sim City –where players experience being a mayor of a virtual city, The Sims was programmed to become a part house and interior design software and part suburban neighborhood where players can manage and observe the daily activities of the sims they created. The players can also control their movements and interactions with objects, especially electrical appliances, which they can buy in the game. The Sims was released in 2000 and it was received with resounding success.

Will Wright and his team of game designers had never expected the public’s reception when the Sims and its expansion packs came out. Their attempt to create a virtual life out of a simulation game was met not with simple contentment from its hard-core fans and critics, but rather with an intense pressure to break all gaming parameters and create a sequel that can capture a near perfect essence of what real life is all about.

After four years, the much-awaited sequel was released. Sims 2 had not only broken the gaming rules imposed on simulation games, it made the virtual closer to life-like in a manner never before seen in PC gaming history. In the years that followed, Sims 2 spawned expansion packs that made the game more liberating. From friendly pets to running a fledging business empire; to attending the university and earning a college degree to experiencing simulated weather seasons, Sims 2 has almost everything you expected in real life, with one amazing difference. Sims 2 allowed players to abandone their real lives, even if just for the duration of gameplay, for a slice of a virtual paradise or hell, depending on how a player configured people and objects in the game. The appeal of Sim 2 lies in the virtual existence’s usually being much better than real life.

For this reason, no matter how expensive the game was, I ignored all inclinations of acquiring the cheap pirated versions and bought the original box at Datablitz instead. A timeless PC game such as Sims 2 is a worthy investment. It can be enjoyed by a player for a very long time.

Like its predecessor, the focal point of the entire Sims 2 game is the sims. As virtual people, players can interact with hundreds of virtual objects and also with other sims. Amazingly, sims can can explore their surroundings without the control of a player. However, unlike real people, they can never make tricky decisions such as calling a repairman to fix a broken toilet. The game design also does not allow for love making episodes between sim couples.

The game interface is rendered in a 3-dimensional environment so players are given the freedom to view the sims’ world from different perspectives. Far more detail is introduced in mesh quality. Its Technicolor-like rendering, texture quality, and animation capability brings more life to the game compared to the first version.

Immersion in the game happens fluidly. Before the program loads the game menu, three unique neighborhoods will appear on the screen. Neighborhoods are like little towns complete with vacant lots, pre-made houses and several community centers. A community center may be classified as a convenience store, a public park, a neighborhood gym with a swimming pool or a commercial complex that houses several boutiques and specialty stores. These common grounds, which any playable sim can visit, play a huge role in creating the social fabric of the entire neighborhood. It is in these places where neighbors and townies meet and forge inter-sim relationships.

Sims 2 has three existing neighborhoods built into the game. These are Pleasantview, with its rolling hills, verdant valleys and azure waters; Strangetown, a lone desert outpost which is home to several sim families with very eccentric personalities; and finally Veronaville, a neighborhood inspired by a Shakespearean play. Here you find two rival sim families with young members from both households secretly in love with one another. Bear in mind that these three neighborhoods include several families complete with their own homes and family histories. These families set the tone and drama of each neighborhood. A player who feels like playing god can take control of these families and manipulate the lives of the sims.

Since Pleasantview appears to be the least sophisticated among the three “hoods,” I choose this neighborhood to set my game play. When the neighborhood has loaded, there is an option to play a pre-made family or create a new one using the create-a-new-sim option found at the bottom left side of the screen. It is a given that every sim belongs to a family – whether that sim is a bachelor or a couple with children. As in real life, the family is the basic unit of society in Sims 2.

By clicking the create-a-new-sim option, a random sim appears on the screen. This is always an adult sim because they represent the prime of a sim’s life. However, since there are six life stages a sim must undergo before it grows, a successive sim being created can be a baby, a toddler, a teenager or an elder. I choose an adult male sim, identifying it as my ideal replica.

After choosing my sim’s hair, eyes and skin color, I will also have to choose his hair style, his everyday clothes, his personality and finally his aspirations. When all physical and personality attributes had been selected, I ended up creating a sim with short black hair, green eyes, smooth white skin and a lean body which he could later improve through an exercise machine he could eventually purchase. I named him Brandon Camino and for the rest of this review, he will be our guide as we do a walkthrough of Sims 2.

---

-tobecontinued-

Subterranean Bombardment

As of this writing, a bomb exploded at Glorietta 2 in Makati City, sowing fear and confusion deep in the heart of an unsuspecting metropolis.

According to reports, at least four people have died and more than 70 injured. The whole lobby of Glorietta 2, including the sky bridge which I used to pass by whenever me and the ODDERs would watch a movie inside the mall has collapsed and sustained very heavy damage. The entire Glorietta Mall was closed for security reasons, while the rest of Manila is now declared in a state of red alert.

I was in Gilmore when the news exploded. It was splashed on a 22-inch flatscreen Samsung LCD that was being displayed in the lobby of the Gilmore IT Center. Everyone who was in the lobby huddled together in front of the screen as images upon images of a damaged Glorietta 2 was seen above from the Sky Chopper. It was a breaking news indeed and the scene around the IT lobby, with people pointing fingers at the terrorists made the news more apocalyptic.

Elsewhere around the world, Karachi also suffered from a huge bomb explosion being perpetuated by its terrorists. There was a mass rally to welcome the return of a former prime minister and it was greeted by a strewn of mutilated bodies and pools of blood and body parts as the bomb exploded when Benazir Bhutto was leading her political party's early evening march.

Being the opposition, they blamed the government for it. The government of Pervez Musharraf in return blamed the terrorist for the suicide bombing.

Looking at both explosions, it's easy to find a connection; a happy trail which will make us think the reason why such spate of violence happen. In Pakistan, it was very clear that the responsible for the blast were none other but the terrorist. However, it seems like their security forces responded too late to prevent such terror from taking place. In Glorietta, initial reports reveal that it was a gas pipe leakage that triggered the explosion. I would certainly cross my fingers hoping that it was caused by human error and not by a terror organization like Abu Sayaff.

But knowing our cyberpunk-inspired government, they would keep the real score about the mall explosion. They fear that the truth might hurt them more than the image of the country, that claims to have been ridden of terrorist.

What's done is done and for the days and weeks to come, we will feel the effects of the explosion in our daily lives:

more checkpoints along main roads at night;

malls with less people even on balmy weekends;

stock market and peso exchange dipping because of the perception that the country is unsafe to do business.

long and terribly hassle-ful queues at MRT and LRT stations;

days wrapped in fear and anxiety thinking when the "terrorist" would strike next.

But, if there is one entity that will benefit more from this nerve-wrecking explosion, it is not the terrorist organizations or the stupid guy or company that installed the gas works,

it is the Administration.

The effects I mentioned above, may only be a short-term implications from such an explosion. However, the government, being attacked simultaneously from multi-level fronts about issues ranging from ZTE-NBN deal, the congressmen payoffs, the not-so-secret war between GMA and JDV, the different corruption charges slapped at government officials by different pressure groups; what happened in Glorietta this afternoon would provide the GMA administration their much needed reprieve.

It will give them time and space to plan their defense and protect itself from imploding from the different scandals.

As the news develops and more story angles come into light (expect the police to reveal more and more leads as to the cause of the explosion to confuse everyone but themselves), the media's eyes will turn 360 degrees left and right away from the real problem, the real bane of us all.

If I know, such bomb explosion was simply engineered in order for everyone to keep their eyes distracted from the government's previously caught insidious activities.

Final Hours Of The Semester

Kahit six hours delayed ako from my target time,
nakikita ko na ang katapusan ng aking mga
papers.

Hindi man ako nakapag-general cleaning ngayong gabi,
masasabi kong ang tagumpay ay ilang oras at pahina
ko na lang bibilangin.

Nakapagpasa ng thesis ang utol ko.
At bilang paggalang sa aking mga sakripisyo, hinayaan
niyang ma-control ko ang kalahating bahagi ng
aming munting bahay. Binigay niya sa akin ang monopolyo
sa katahimikan.

Hindi ko man sigurado
kung ano ang magiging resulta ng aking mga subjects,
ang mahalaga'y tapos ko na ang semester.

I'm halfway done with my masters.

Alternate Reality (Donya-Donyahan Sessions Four, Second Part)

Boredom and restlessness can make a person do things he would never do in normal situations. I could have taken advantage of the opportunity being presented to me while looking after Papu's place alone.

As I browsed a sleazy website, a single thread post in the forum or chatroom could have permanently altered the sanctity of the place I was watching over. These are some of the thoughts running inside my head that fateful night:

1. I could have invited a hot guy to drop by. We all know where such invitation would lead to.

2. A better idea would be to invite two hot top/versa guys to hang-out with me for a drink and snacks. A kinky ménage à trois would have spiced up my restless night. In order to lessen our impact on the pad, we could do the deed in the bathroom. It would also lighten my guilt after the fuck is over. I should be wary of my invitations though. Having a serial killer for company isn't a fun idea.

3. Or if I am shameless enough to exercise my perversions in somebody else's place. I could organize a last minute orgy with all hunkies online invited. An activity like that would increase the kinkiness factor tenfold and it would surely leave me lots of memories to share. However, the mess they would leave and the grueling task of cleaning everything would leave me too haggard for work the following day.

Yet, these are all but mere fantasies. Even if my temporal insanity would enable me to do such deeds in my mind, restraint and respect for Papu would crush those erotic inclinations before they become a reality. Roy and I talked about such reckless excesses before. We both agreed that it would be best for us to conduct such activities at someone's place instead.

Even if we sleep over at Papu's place..

---

Aside from getting a higher phone bill by the end of the month (don't ask me why), the first night passed without any incident. Before I left for work the following morning, I made sure that Alec had an ample food and water on his dish. I also took the necessary steps to unplug all electronic devices that I could pull out from the socket.

Nevertheless, I was constantly disturbed by the fact that I have left the Whirlpool fridge and LG microwave on. Adding to my worries was the thought that I might have not locked the door properly. I feared that it may result to theft or burglary without anyone being aware of what happened. How can I explain to Papu that his brand new audio system got stolen.

Therefore, I decided to return after my shift at work ended. Traveling from San Juan to Libis was not only stressful, it was also heavy on my wallet. However at least, it alleviated the anxieties that consumed me the entire day. Besides, my sister was still using the computer so heading home and barging into my room where she's working would not be a good idea.

Everything was still intact when I arrived at the pad. Contrary to my initial paranoia, my fears never came true. Alec greeted me with a relieved meow when he saw me enter the door. As usual, his thick, long fur was all over the floor.

I spent the rest of the afternoon at Loyola, where I walked some miles under the blistering sun just to reach a friend's grave. His family commemorated the 40th day of his passing. When I arrived at his grave site, everyone had already left. I was late for the event.

So I placed the Anthuriums near his tombstone and said a little prayer before I left. That moment, all I could think about was the lost we felt after his passing. I also realized how close we have become during the final years of his life.

When I returned to Papu's unit, I checked on my mother's decision whether she would let me sleep over in Libis or ask me to return home. She said that they are still working on my sister's thesis and they would appreciate if I stay elsewhere. Despite my garment shortage, I received her decision to have an extension with overjoyed bliss. Who wouldn't like to sleep in a place where you can almost feel you're a rich kid?

So I sent Roy an sms message asking him to buy me a cheap boxers on his way to the condominium. He told me earlier that he would join me for the night to have an update on each other's life. As I waited for his arrival, I wrote a portion of my paper which is due on Friday. In the first place, it was my main reason for staying there.

Papu was online as well.

He was telling me that it was raining in Davao and he didn't enjoy the trip that much.

As night came, boredom sets in. There was no ready-to-eat food in the fridge and there was no soap in the bathroom. I was short in everything, including the undies that I would wear the following day. Therefore, I have to buy some provisions when Roy arrives. However, it was getting late. I tried to text him of his whereabouts, but he never replied.

Suddenly at past 8pm, he texted me with this following message.

"Pasensya na parekoy. Hindi ako pinayagang lumuwas ng Maynila eh."

I would have to spend the night alone for the second time.

---

-tobecontinued-

Bantay-Bahay (Donya Donyahan Sessions Three, First Part)

The view from my bedroom was truly breathtaking.

If not for the condominium's twin tower partially blocking my window, the entire portion of Sierra Madre that rises in Antipolo, with its chocolate green hills and newly developed subdivision houses would have been the sight that would greet me in the morning. The Marikina River snakes down below, where rustic huts still line its murky banks. Farther in the distance, the Mango trees hiding the plush mansions in Blue Ridge gives way to the cliffs of Katipunan. If one would look closely at the towering structures in the horizon, he would never mistake the Burgundy Tower for something else.

Yet it was already dark when I decided to gaze outside the confines of my temporary home. For two nights, I was once again the guardian of Papu's abode.

It's been seven months since he last entrusted his place to me. Apparently, Papu was satisfied with the way I run things around while he and his partner were away. Back then, I had a companion with me. Since I could not take over the responsibilities for several nights alone, I asked for Roy's assistance. In the nights that I could not make it, he was the one sleeping over.

Papu's reasons for entrusting his home (and the valuables that he kept within) remain a mystery. As far as we know, he wanted someone to take care of Alec, his Persian cat who apparently does not enjoy being alone. If not for the spoiled cat, I would have had second thoughts of staying over. It's not because of my namamahay habit but because of the huge responsibility that comes with looking after someone's little kingdom.

Papu never emphasized these responsibilities however.

The truth is, it wasn't me who is his first choice to stay over. It was Roy. Perhaps he understood that despite being capable of doing the job effectively, he knew that I have a family to look after as well. However certain events lead to a change of policies at home. Instead of imposing severe isolation while trying to finish my papers in school, I was left looking for a place to stay for the night.

It was because of my sister. She was rushing her thesis for today but due to some stroke of bad luck, her computer broke down last Friday. With no other option to finish her thesis on time, I made a supreme sacrifice of letting her use my computer instead.

As a show of gratitude to my selfless act of giving up my room, my mom allowed me to stay elsewhere to beat my own paper's deadline.

---

Looking after someone else's place was not an easy undertaking.

First, I had to adjust to my new surroundings. Papu lives in an upscale condo somewhere in Libis. His unit maybe slightly smaller than my mother's two-story apartment, but his home is full of lavish objects that I could never buy with my own paycheck.

Second, in the face of being surrounded by valuables that I could never afford, I felt suppressed gawking on luxuries that I could actually use to amuse myself. Papu never said anything about utilizing them for my own entertainment. I could have spent all night watching comedy films if I was daring enough to operate his expensive dvd player. However, out of fear that I might break something due to my ignorance, I stayed away from his electronic appliances that I don't know how to operate.

Better accept my ignominy rather than face the consequences of my stupidity later .

So I spent the first night surfing the web. I tried to download and copy as much mp3s as possible but constant distraction prevented me from exploiting the full potentials of Papu's DSL connection.

The sleazy websites are just a click away and with boredom and deafening silence gradually killing me, the temptation of taking advantage of my isolated situation disturbed the stillness of my thoughts.

Nevertheless, I continued browsing the sleazy websites.

But Papu's moral compass kept on crossing my mind

---

-tobecontinued-

Xtube

I discovered the website through G4M. It has been thoroughly discussed in the forums and was even hailed as technology's greatest gift to perverts like me.

Last week, a gay colleague who secretly do video streaming at work told me the perversions of this website. He even encouraged me to access it when I'm bored and not doing anything at all.

I told him that I only have dial-up access at home. A simple video streaming would take 48 years to finish. On the other hand, watching it in the office will not only pose a threat to my already damaged employee file. It would only leave me repressed and frustrated from not enjoying physically what the video stream is providing.

However, opportunity came when I least expected it.

And now that I have temporary access to the website, daig ko pa ang nag bath-house sa dami ko nang...

Plok...

You know, it really adds up to production inefficiency ha.

And it makes you weak; It disables your sane way of thinking.

Perhaps I should find a Balot Vendor before I sleep tonight... that is, if there is one in the outskirts of [insert name of secret location here].

I might break a record of doing it, more than five times in one night.

Dream Journals Twelve

Heto ang napapala ng isang empleyado na garapal matulog sa kanyang workstation, habang ang lahat ng kanyang colleagues ay abala sa pagtratrabaho.

---

It was mid-afternoon. I was standing idly outside, at the carpark in front of the house. When I looked above, there was not a single cloud in the sky. Instead all you could see is the endless blue space stretched from horizon to horizon.

Suddenly, little particles of dust began to fall. At first, nobody paid attention to it. Even our neighbor Ate Fe, who often shares us free food whenever she prepared too much for her guests said that it might just be the dust coming from the street.

However when I looked up again, I saw more dust particles falling from the sky. I could just imagine an invisible hand sprinkling ash above our heads.

The quietness was gradually being replaced by a hollow sound of the wind. It was soft at first but its bellowing sound grows more intense by the minute.

So I ran towards the house to warn everyone of what's happening outside. By this time the sound of the wind was howling ominously. It was like a huge tornado is about to pass our way. I told my sister, who was in her room to lock the windows to prevent the dust from coming
inside the house.

Her windows were already firmly secured.

So I went to my room to close my windows as well.

However, the windows were located behind the green curtains that shielded my dark room from the blinding sunlight every morning. When I saw these curtains they look like they were being sucked by some unknown force outside.

I remember trying to reach them, but fear prevented me from making a step.

Despite the blue sky, which i could see in the little holes that pot marked the walls of my room, the ground begins to shake slightly. The dust which we tried in vain to contain outside begins to find its way inside the house. The wind now wails at its loudest. It's sound is like a hundred disturbed souls seeking redemption.

And I remember those sounds bringing tremor and fear in my heart.

---

End of dream sequence.

Uprooted

Now I understand
why some of my plants
wilted the moment I took them
away from their little pot and transfer them
into something bigger, even sometimes better

plot of land.

It's because they are so used
to their little corner
that when they are put
in an unfamiliar world,
they fail to adopt,

leading to their cause of death.

---

An afterthought when forced to move to another
workstation, in another room and being surrounded by
unfamiliar seatmates.

But as they say, what's good for the company is good for
us. So here I am, despite my muted protest, following the directives quietly.

Self Serving

Hi guys and girls of Journ 2002,

I want to suggest a project for our batch and to check whether you would want to participate.

I've discussed this with both [insert name of journsoc president here] and [insert name of journsoc secretary here] but more in detail with [insert name of journsoc president here] and they both like the idea.

What I'm suggesting is for us to organize a sort workshop/career day for future writers for AB students, most especially Journ students. We may also invite Lit students and 1st yr and 2nd year students para mas maraming attendees. My suggestion is to organize an event wherein we could talk to them about our career, about our work and achievements. It's to give them an idea or a glimpse of where they can be in a few years after graduation. So they will have an idea of what to expect and they would both the hardships and the rewards of a career as a journalist/writers. We can give them tips on how to get so and so job, what to do and what not to do.

So maybe we can begin with a few speakers from our batch and then proceed to a writing workshop. Plus dapat may exhibit tau of our works sa main lobby. Articles sa blackboard, ganun. Gandahan na lan un presentation.

I came up with this idea as one way to promote my book. Yeah, yeah, may book pa rin. hehe. Grabe sobrang nadelay diba.. But as of 2 nights ago, my publisher said that the printer advised the books would be off the press by October. Sana talaga matuloy na. If everything goes to plan, books will most prob be available by November, buy kayo ha! The Only Thing Between Us by [insert name of writer]. Ayan nabentahan pa tuloy kau! hee hee

Anyway, my original plan was I'd go solo but I figured I'm not the only person in our batch who has something to be proud of, in terms of writing career. I'm not the only one who has some things to impart. For sure mas marami pa nga kayo saken, lalo na sa experience. So I'm suggesting let's all do it. It'd be like a reunion. Sa exhibit, pede rin natin isama yun work ni Ace, to remember him, if you like this idea.

Sa event, we won't claim naman na we're so accomplished na. It's more of to really give them an idea kung ano-anong possibilities ang open sa kanila. May napunta sa news, sa sports, sa TV, may nag creative writing, etc.

Plus it'd be a perfect opportunity for all of us to promote din yun mga kanya kanya nating raket, whether it'd be your column, for me it's my book or mga businesses na meron kayo. For sure dun sa mga journ students, if talagang nagbabasa sila, I'm sure they've read some of you already and they'd be glad to meet you and to hear what you peeps have to tell them.

I'm including below yung email exchange namin ni [insert name of journsoc president here]. Basahin nyo na rin because [insert name of journsoc president here] mentioned a lot of really really good points. Read it from bottom - up.

Hope we all could throw in ideas about this and let me know who is willing to participate. If we're going to do this, gawin natin either December or January, kc I'm here in HK pa. Dating ako Dec 13 to Jan 6, pero pede pa ko paextend ifever masched ng after Jan 6, pero di ko na mababago yun Dec 13 na arrival date ko.

Tell me rin if u think it's a worthwhile cause or baka waste of time lang for us. I'd welcome all comments and suggestions.

Thanks peeps,

---

The nerve of you to suggest such idea when you never attended any of our activities.

I swear I would be your critic once your book comes out... I will exhaust all that I've learned in Literary Criticism just to point out the weakness of your novel or whatsoever.

And yeah, in memory of my friend and our classmate Ace, who quietly shared his knowledge and experience to those who wish to learn from him,

The one who went solo and then suddenly left us all when he's already at the pinnacle of his career and family life.

I will make sure that the entire PGC will never lend its support.

The Arrival | Big Bird

If not for the papers that I have to finish before the semester ends, I would have trooped to NAIA just to see with my own eyes this fleeting beauty.

Sayang.

I hope that the next time an Airbus lands in the country, I would be counted as one of its passengers.

---

MANILA, Philippines -- Airbus' extra-large A380 jetliner flew into the Philippines on a test flight Thursday to show it can be flown to existing runways in Asia, company officials said.

The A380 flew from Melbourne to the Manila international airport, landing smoothly with room to spare and taxiing to a parking area without a hitch despite its larger size.

- PDI

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In a Philippine Daily Inquirer advertisement last Sunday, PAL announced a turnaround in their profits.

According to the advertisement, they said that the company has been financially rehabilitated. The flag carrier is pose to have an ambitious expansion in the next few years . If this is true, I hope PAL would consider investing in an A380 in the future.

Companion

In silence, I tell myself "no matter how far this journey would take me, something should always remind me of home." Inside the freezing Partas bus, while it flies the entire length of North Expressway from Pulilan to the end of Candaba Viaduct in Pampanga, the soft blue nightlight above my head reminds me of the growing distance from the people that I love.

As I hold the saffron colored little creature in my hand, while both of us were partially bathed by light coming from lamp posts as the bus passes underneath, in my head all I could think of is the comfort of having a remembrance of my world close to me. He may be an inanimate object but at that moment when I was longing for someone to keep me warm and fuzzy.

His secret smile is the only thing that makes the strangeness of my shrouded surroundings a little more familiar.

The kid inside me calls for home as the growing distance continues to separate me from the hearth my heart belongs.

---

An afterthought, October 4, 2007

Image Title: Darkstar In Mugen's Hand

Inconvenient Truth

I have barely a week and two days before the semester comes to an end. So far, I have finished revising three essays for my Non-Fiction and my aim is to completely revise the final one before the day ends. Still, my problems usually lie in the technical aspect and overall coherence of my essays. In this part, I rely on Mami Athena for guidance. Since last semester, she's the babaylan who reads (and revises) my portfolio before submitting it to my professor.

This morning, I went to a computer store to do a canvass of computer hardware for my ambitious desktop upgrade. This store was the one responsible for my last major upgrade and since they were already familiar with my specifications, I thought things would be more convenient if I let them provide for the components that I needed. Unfortunately, my contact in that store had already resigned. In his place is a female rookie who I am not comfortable in dealing with yet.

So I took the necessary precautions to tap a former associate who is familiar with my specifications. Fortunately he still remembers our previous dealings.

When my business with a former contact was finally agreed upon. I told him that I would call next week to finalize the upgrade. Since Ms. Account Officer was still calling her contacts for the best components for my hardware upgrade, I left her my contact details so she could just inform me of the price and specs for my needs later. Knowing that choosing her as my option would be more expensive, her role would be limited to being a last minute back-up. Besides, they don't install operating systems and that would be my biggest problem after I closed the deal with them.

On my way to the office, I did a mental calculation of my expenses in the coming months. Despite the traffic along Shaw Boulevard, the results of my projections left my mind hopping from one possible conclusion to the next. The budget is all set, however, the long-term payments may leave me short of cash after every payday.

You see, the price of an upgrade which includes the brand new (and high end) processor with the motherboard may very well reach over my P10,000 budget. It does not include the extra 1 GB memory, the high-end video card, the reformatting expense of my computer and the purchase of Sims 2: Bon Voyage CD.

Truth is, the last expense above is the reason why I am compelled to upgrade my computer. In order to play Sims 2 without any time-delays, I would need a very powerful computer to compensate for its resource hoarding features. If my thrust is for academics or music, I won't put so much premium on replacing the core components of my computer. A simple reformatting would be enough.

Fortunately, I could spare a card to provide for this massive desktop overhaul. As I have said, this would be my reward for achieving many things this season. However, when I think of the other expenses that would add up after the upgrade is complete, the odds of effectively managing my finances would prove quite difficult to foresee. I did not consider the fact that I would have to enroll for my master's next semester. I am also expecting to receive my first billing from the gym this October.

Therefore, I conclude that this is indeed a Pyrrhic victory. The upgraded computer would be my ultimate prize, but the dent it will do to my finances would leave me vulnerable until next year. If only I am not this conscious about my spending, this issue would never come up at all.

Since I do not want to give up the perks that I am already enjoying, the only path left for me is to increase my work output or find an extra raket which could provide me with an extra moolah.

Computer.Games.Sims 2

Such is the price for my so-called passion.

---

Gigabyte board Intel G33 DDr2 PCIE;
Intel Core 2 Duo 2 ghz;
1 gb memory interface;
NVdia Gforce 7600 gpu pci;

Total, P22,000

No way Jose.

The Light Side Of Mugen

Let us talk about kababawan for a change.

(I)

Lately, I noticed that before I go to sleep, I make sure to set the TV on a cartoon channel instead of my usual CNN or National Geographic habit. Two nights ago, I slept very late because I was so absorbed watching a double episode of South Park at Jack TV that I forgot that I have work later that morning. I do not remember what episodes were aired, but I had a good laugh before falling asleep.

Last night the same thing happened again. I came home drunk after attending Dodong's birthday party. I turned on the TV while taking off my clothes then I stumbled on a rare episode of As Told By Ginger at Nickolodeon. For those who are not familiar with ATBG, it is an animated series that focuses on Ginger Foutley's adventures at Lucky Jr. High. Each episode is presented in a style as if it was being written in her diary. What is so fascinating about this series is that despite its teenage appeal (Think of Degrassi or Laguna Beach, though I haven't seen a single episode of these sitcoms), ABTG has depth and certain character that I could appreciate. It is as if every episode has a subliminal moral lesson embedded on it. If Spongebob is pure laugh trip, As Told By Ginger is the exact opposite. Many times the cartoon inspired me to create a sim family in Sims 2 based from the characters in this series.

So far I have not succeeded yet.

Nevertheless, I consider ABTG as one of the cartoons I wouldn't mind watching over and over again.

(II)

After two weeks of speculating what really happened to Britney Spears at the VMA Music Awards, I finally saw the awards re-telecast at MTV last weekend. So ganun pala siya, Britney was obviously drunk and wasted when she opened the awards night with the song Gimme More. And it was true, she did nothing except walk from one end of the stage to the other, bend over a little to expose her big but, and then do an unexpected dance routine, that the back-up dancers seem not familiar with. I think the reason why so many people were disappointed with her performance was because it was so sensationalized as her "comeback performance" only to witness a Britney Spears who was nagkakalat.

Good thing she didn't passed out while doing the performance.

Anyhow, for some reasons, why do I feel that after this devastating blow to her career, she would end up becoming a more popular celebrity in the end? The song Gimme More was indeed catchy (I still have to dance the song at Government/BED though) and the Britney-spearian faggies in G4M were claiming that her new album is full of trance-house tracks. If that's true, then I guess we have a new Madonna (Confessions On A Dance Floor) in the making.

Which reminds me of another thing; During the 80's Madonna was on the rampage. She was the material girl who experimented with everything that is decadent. Who knows, Britney might be simply doing the same thing. Looking at Madonna before and now, then there is hope for Britney. Nasty girls who become reformed later in their lives do succeed in show business.

In the future, Britney might even outshine Christina Aguilera, Rihanna and Gwen Stefani in the end.

(III)

During the workshop of my Autobiographical essay Trinoma, a classmate suggested that I should drop the part where I was watching Shrek 3 alone and was laughing out loud as Snow White did the cute singing scene preceding the raging animal call. For my part, I do not really see the relevance of putting it, except that it was the lightest moment on my rather heavy and sad essay. However, J. Neil protested. He said that despite my paminta image, it showed how kikay I could get when faced with such situations.

I never expected his remarks. Nevertheless I was fascinated at how he read what might be inside me. Looking back, I remember Mami Athena suggesting that I might be keeping a feminine persona inside my masculine outer shell. I tried to defend myself by explaining how it was possible when its natural for me to act masculine. Mami said that it might be just a show-off on my part. I countered her by saying that it's because of the environment. After all, I grew up with koboy straight guys during my later formative years.

Anyhow it doesn't matter really. In fact, I sense a liberating feeling knowing that I am beginning to acknowledge my two-spirit personhood. Imagine a brute keeping a feminine/esoteric soul. That might be something rare in the PLU world.

Astig yun ah.