Infinity Of The Moment (Two Eight Ball Remix)

Note: I wrote this entry some five years ago. Life revolves around the Outsiders, which is my only PLU group back then. Many things have changed after Dodong moved to another place, but that sunset on the Orion Deck had endured in my memory.

It was indeed a moment destined to be remembered for infinity.

I have written too many good entries this May. As a fitting end to a month full of meanings and realizations, I choose this entry to be my closing while celebrating life as it enters a new moon tomorrow.

Remembering all the good things we shared together Dodong, this entry is for you.

---

Looking below at such breathtaking height of the 37th floor viewing deck, the world bows under my feet. Strange, but I feel that this is a surreal revelation of my recurring daydreams; a fleeting moment that I have to toil for many years if I wish to see again.

Facing a dusty sun, the icy winds from the Sierra Madre mountains blow pass behind my ears, carrying with it lonely voices and stirring some ancient memories inside my head. On my right is the silhouette of Bataan - its towering mountain and the shimmering Manila Bay revealing themselves behind a thin veil of grey clouds. The pumpkin-orange sky changes its color to mauve blue as the city lights begin to flicker around me. From east to west and north to south, everything freezes for a second. The world suddenly becomes a palette of earth colors, as the hands of time move its finger down to another direction.

This will be the last time I set foot on Paragon Plaza, the home of the Outsiders and the sanctuary of Dodong's soul. I admit that I, too had many memories of the place. It was at his pad where I decided to formalize a relationship with a public display of affection - as the drunken Papu dared us to do. It was also at Dodong's pad where we forged a brotherhood that stands strong today.

The pad also witnessed countless self-destruction nights and collective stories of repression being passed around the four cornered walls of Dodong's home. It was here where we discovered ourselves and learned how to be free - despite of what others would think of us. It was here where our friendship had been challenged many times, only to triumph in the face of adversaries.

While helping PJ and Kirsh put Dodong's things inside the carton boxes, I felt this strange apprehension that I will always fear changes. It is a fact that we cannot continue our contingents on our host's new home. We need to find a new spot to extend our happy nights, or return to our old nook along Timog Avenue for sentimental values.

As Dodong's ubiquitous novels and cds were carefully stacked inside the boxes and as the jigsaw portraits were being put down from the walls, flakes of cream white paint falls off. It is like one by one, our memory of the place we have cherished for a timeless moment was being erased right in front of my eyes.

It is all goodbyes now - the pad, the thrills of contingents, the sentimental conversations at the balcony... and the breathtaking view at the Orion deck. At least, I will end the paragon chapter on a happy note and in good tidings with my barkada. No matter where the winds of changes bring us, I know that a part of my heart belongs to Odders.

This afternoon was the first time I saw the sun set from Paragon Plaza. The slow moving vehicles along Edsa slithers like a vicious snake across the city. New bamboo-like skyscrapers in Makati and Ortigas, with lattices and cranes suspended on top of these structures compete to reach the sky. I wonder if in their arrogance, they would end up like the Tower of Babel crashing back to the earth someday. The endless blue waters of Manila Bay remain calm and sober, while the Laguna De Bay, which I used to point every contingent night to someone i am having a conversation with, is covered by thick rain clouds.

Forbes Park hides under a canopy of old trees, like the mythical Lothlorien surrounded by a concrete jungle known as Makati. Fort Bonifacio, has been stripped of its emerald jewels. The only visible scars are the barren soil and the vast open spaces with warehouse-like complexes bannering signs of progress. Espana Tower along with the PLDT Transmitter is shrouded by smog rising above the residential districts of Sampaloc and Sta Mesa. Finally, the last rays of sunlight penetrate the spaces between the proud and lonely condominiums of Ermita casting a long dark shadow stretching some miles away from these stately monoliths.

If only I had a camera... I would like to preserve this passing moment for eternity...

Three minutes, five seconds and a little chat with Dodong later, everything was eaten by the darkness.

It's how fleeting life is;

It's how everything changes in a blink of an eye.

Dusk Over Purgatorio

There comes a crossroad in a confused man's life when he have to choose whether to come out to the light, or continue to hide in the darkness of his cramped closet. Many souls take years or even decades before they could accept their true sexual preference. Others embrace it unconsciously while doing the deed all non-straight men do. I don't know how others found their way into the fold, but mine was stirred by a single comic book and opened my eyes to the possibilities of being a proud homosexual person.

It was almost eight years ago when it all happened, one afternoon while doing my duties as an on-the-job trainee in a daily newspaper.

I was assigned to the Lifestyle Section of the broadsheet, Manila Times. Barely a week after my tour of duty had begun, my first assignment was to arrange the photos and their write-ups sent by PR firms according to the day they will come out of the newspaper. Mondays are for arts and crafts, while Tuesdays are for food and restaurants. I believe it was Thursdays when they feature books and other activities related to literature.

Behind the editor's desk were magazines and books sent to her by publishing companies across the country. There were thick ones devoted for landscape design and home improvement and thin ones for culinary arts. There were also several novels written by Filipinos, but I was too engrossed in Journalism then to notice these works. While arranging them, a booklet, no thicker than my mouse pad fell out from the collection. It immediately caught my attention because this booklet was not your ordinary material, but a graphic comic book for that matter.

I picked it up so I can have a closer inspection. The design cover was all black, with dark yellow prints and two men in its front cover. No one will ever assume that the book I was holding was actually a gay literature. No, I was simply too ignorant to be aware of them.

Curiosity got hold of me, so I opened the booklet and began reading the first page. I remember the story starting at the middle - in medias res - just before the climax. Two guys were confronting each other over something. One was a thin guy with a slight hint of femininity, while the other, a stocky looking brute packed with muscles and a brash attitude. It was raining and the opening drama took place on an open field where grasses grow as tall at the main characters.

The comic book One Night in Purgatory was Carlo Vergara's first graphic novel. It tells a story of two men, Deio and Casey who have been close friends since childhood. When Deio "came out" in college, Casey was very supportive despite his low regard for homosexuality. Soon after a turning point in their friendship, Casey and Deio parted ways and strove to go on with their lives. Two years later, Casey begins to reach out to Deio and tries to pick up from where they left. On that reunion night, they exorcise the demons bred by their two-year separation, and learn the valuable lessons of friendship, acceptance, forgiveness, and love.

I do not remember much about the story - except the images of the hunky Deio howling and jeering while a sexy female entertainer danced on top of their table, and of Casey who quietly honed his artistic gifts and occasionally thinks of his best friend Deio. Like what I've said, I was too ignorant to understand then. Nonetheless, I got this impression that something intimate happened between the two of them for Casey to scream at Deio and make him realize that doing it with another guy makes him no different from all gay guys. Their one-night intimacy had opened the possibilities for Deio to accept homosexual relationships.

I was stunned after reading the novel and how I wish I whisked it inside my bag instead of putting it back where it came from. Lucky for me, no one was around to witness my awakening. You see, back then, I never thought that one can be gay and still retain his masculinity. Only the effeminate stereotypes dominated my thoughts.

A few months after reading the comic book, I began taking bold steps that would lead to the adoption of my new sexual preference. There is the Borderline crossing, where I dared myself to acquire my first man to man VCD under the watchful eyes of the Carriedo LRT Station.

A year later, I had my first man to man kiss courtesy of a guy I met from the first "Bisexual" eyeball I attended in Pinoyexchange. It was also the first time I became heavily infatuated with a guy, that I had to break up with my girlfriend for us to see each other more often. It was also the first time I had SEB just to get back at a love that was unrequited,

Finally, it was also the first time I met Carlo Vergara in the flesh and told him how his brilliant work transformed me.

Looking back, I have lived in my own purgatory ever since childhood. I knew that the homosexual tendencies were there, but I suppressed it violently because no one, not even me could imagine turning into a parlorista just to fit into the homosexual mold. Who would have thought that its end would come the day I discovered Vergara's novel.

I guess not even hell or heaven could tell what my life could have been, had Purgatory not slipped from the books I was carrying that fateful afternoon.

---

Carlo Vergara's Blogspot

Blues For A Red Planet

PUP Laboratory High School, Santa Mesa - It was past 2 in the afternoon and most of the classes had already ended. On a balmy sunny day, most of the Fourth Year students would congregate near the basketball court, on a lone Mango tree they used to call "Punong Bastos." I don't know how that innocent tree exactly got its nickname, but I've heard that those who gather under its sickly branches would talk about their perversion in between Basketball games the whole afternoon.

In those juvenile years, I was a geek. Instead of watching the other guys dunk and do alley-ups in the basketball court, I scurry past the other students in hopes of getting out of the campus first. I was not alone in this endeavor, I have a geek friend, who we'd call "Techzone" for the lack of a better name for him.

Now Techzone was not only a geek, he had a brilliant and creative mind to boot. At a tender age of 15, he was able to assemble a small robotic crawler using wires and dynamos he bought from a hardware store. We would rush past the other students who would talk about their petty crushes and shallow angst all the time. Instead of wasting ours on teenage issues, we talked about the future and how we wished to live long enough to be part of it.

Techzone and I were into Science Fiction. We would talk about Babylon 5 and all those spaceships that left us teary-eyed whenever we see them on television. Our endless blabber would not stop there. Soon, our conversations would shift from fantasy to something closer to reality by delving into subjects like space exploration and planetary colonization.

The Astro Physicists at Nasa talked about how to send rockets into space at a cheaper price, while the capitalists talked of how to make money out of space. We on the other hand, drowned our thoughts of human settlements scattered throughout the Solar System. We thought that such step was vital, especially to our own survival. This was the time when Armageddon and Deep Impact was shown on theaters and the image of an asteroid hitting Earth was the stuffs of nightmare to us then.

At some point, we attempted to go further and talk about Interstellar Travel. However, we found such topic too advanced for our dreamy minds. I graduated in high school an astronomer, but the moment I stepped into the university, I became as image conscious like everyone in my clique.

Techzone on the other hand, would go into college full of spark and bright ideas inside his head. Four years after we parted, he became a master programmer in one of the biggest outsourcing company in the country.

---

The story of Techzone and my geeky past was inspired by several Front-Page newspaper photos I saw at a newsstand this afternoon. What caught my attention was the picture of a human object floating in mid-air with peach sky and barren desert of a desolate planet as backdrop. According to Wikipedia, a US spacecraft had successfully landed on Mars.

I honestly thought that the news would only create minor ripples, considering the troubles we face everyday. Yet, despite the woes of humanity - from rising oil prices to global warming, I was fascinated at how the media greeted the news with much sensation it evoked a sense of hope, awe and wonder to those who were too weary to hear the concerns of the earth.

I do not know what Techzone's feelings were after hearing the news. I am not even sure if he even bothered to read about the Mars Landing on the news today. Surely, the achievement was something that should be celebrated by scientists and space geeks around the world. It was, after all, last 2003 when we were able to land an object on Mars.

As for me, the news stirred some almost forgotten memories of Techzone, and how he was able to catch my attention and appreciate his passion that nobody in school would find interesting. It was him, who had let me take a peek on his telescope to see the rings of Jupiter and the craters of the Moon. It was also him who engaged me in those visionary conversations on our long walks from classroom to the Jeepney stop. Those conversations would awaken my fascination with space and would become the direct cause of my love affair with the stars.

I hope that he still remembers, and feels the same elation and optimism after hearing the news on Phoenix.

Because as life dwells deeper and deeper on earthly concerns, the heavens have become farther and farther to reach. Many don't even appreciate the blue sky anymore.

The stars are for dreamers. And when the world rejoices, even if it was a machine and not a monkey who made the journey to the planets,

It's like humanity was able to transcend the sordidness of its existence and for a brief moment,

able to bask in the glory of ascension.

---

"Human beings have a demonstrated talent for self-deception when their emotions are stirred, and there are few notions more stirring than the idea of a neighboring planet inhabited by intelligent beings.

The power of Lowell's idea may, just possibly, make it a kind of premonition. His canal network was built by Martians. Even this maybe an accurate prophecy: If the planet ever is terraformed, it will be done by human beings whose permanent residence and planetary affiliation is Mars. The Martians will be us."

- Carl Sagan, Blues for a Red Planet, Cosmos

Echoes

While jumping from forum to forum in Pinoyexchange this morning, I found this lone single post left by someone who is in a relationship with one of my tropa in the Odders. His post stood out, because no one recognizes him as a member and nobody ever post in our thread anymore. His post, which was intimately written tells of a Brodder who speaks highly of us, despite not seeing each other frequently like we used to do before.

Whoever that poster was, I owe you for making me remember. The distant memories might be old and rusty, but the feelings - the bond that we keep remains strong and untarnished. How I wish some of my brodders still read my blog, so they would know what you have posted,

And they would know that the roots will always nourish the tree.

Salamat parekoy.

---

- Posted in the thread Outsiders: unmasking the masculine non-straights part 2, PEx.

I'm currently in a relationship with one of your brodders. Honestly, I get jealous when he talks about all of you. He loves you guys so much that when I asked him if he would have to choose between me and your clique, he cannot answer. So yeah, I'm really jealous. But then again, I understand him. You are his support group, and what is 6 months of dating compared to six years of friendship. You guys must be thankful for havaing such a tight bond. I envy you.

- Hegemony

Japhet and Jandreks

This evening, I went to see a friend whose mother passed away recently. The wake was at a Methodist Church somewhere in T.M. Kalaw. News of the death spread like wildfire, that even if we didn't discuss it at PEx, many members of the core group showed up to express their sincerest condolences to the family of the deceased.

The mood upstairs, where the remains of my friend's mother lie in state was solemn. Downstairs, it was different. We were even laughing while seated on the steps of the chapel entrance and waiting for a friend's arrival. Lostwansoul provided the entertainment, as he recalled the blooper moments as to how the PExers received the sad news of the passing.

"Hay nako, yang si Japhet, alas-sais ng umaga tumawag sa akin at humahagulgol." Lostwansoul began in a flamboyant tone . "Paano kasi, si Mamang daw patay na."

What's fascinating was that Japhet is not even the son of the dead lady. His boyfriend is. In fact, it was Japhet who was optimistic about the recovery of his boyfriend's mother, even if his boyfriend had humbly accepted his mother's imminent passing.

"Bakit ka umiiyak eh hindi ka naman kapamilya?" Lostwan asked.

"Eh kasi... basta..." Japhet answered between sobs.

In many PLU circles that I belong, there is always an official couple that stands out in the group. The Odders have Papu and Joey, the Toma Alliance have Trey and HB, and at PEx, we have Japhet and Jandreks. Like all couples, they have their issues - and they are usually more complicated than the one I face. The thing is, despite their failings, they still serve as a blueprint for all PLUs aspiring to have a relationship. They are a source of inspiration for those still looking and dreaming to find their dream boyfriend swimming in the same pink ocean we all swim.

Now lets get back and focus on Japhet and Jandreks, who are the undisputed official couple of my PEx Barkada. To give you an idea, Jandreks is a sports buff. He works in a sports gear store and attends soccer practice on weekends. His partner Japhet is the exact opposite. He is a humble school teacher whose fascination delves into arts and crafts.

What I like about this couple is that they never fail to extend their kindness, even though they don't know much about me. The reason why I was able to find the resort during the group's recent Tagaytrip trip was because of Jandrek's assistance in helping me get the phone numbers of those who attended the outing. Japhet on the other hand, had always been my confidant especially when it comes to the issues surrounding the barkada. He also addresses me as Kuya whenever we talk, despite the fact that he is the one older than me.

Japhet and Jandreks, like all couples have their little disagreements. When one gets angry, that person walks out even in full view of the entire barkada. We laugh whenever these bouts come out of our recollections. Lately however, something had made me see their relationship in a much higher perspective.

For all the times I've been looking for that one silver lining that will make me believe in the miracle of PLU relationships, here comes Japhet who openly shared his partner's hardships during the entire month that his mother was confined in the hospital.

Their story, which I played over and over my head on my way home conjures an image of Japhet talking to the doctors trying to understand his mother-in-law's condition; of him going out of PGH at ungodly hours of the night to buy medicines for Jandrek's mother; of him, looking after Jandreks, while taking care of his mother as well. These images gave a brief spark of hope, so bright for me to realize that real partnerships happen among male couples.

That it doesn't work one-way all the time.

As I stood up to get ready to leave the chapel, I saw Japhet in front of the ataul, carefully arranging the Orchid flowers on his mother-in-law's coffin. His hands were graceful and elegant as the purple, everlasting flowers fall into their proper corners. His face expressed grief and pain, strong enough to set those around him on a somber mood. His mother was there as well, seated on one of the vacant chairs at the back. I could only assume that her presence was to assure Japhet that despite the passing storm, everything will be alright.

Looking at the scene, I think, it was a perfect setting for two PLU families meeting together to share a collective grief. It doesn't matter if my two friends were already out. But their example only proves that yes, homosexual relationships can be accepted by families.

Phanks and I have been together for five years. Japhet and Jandreks have been for at least two. Between us and them, they have achieved something that I cannot claim myself.

I just hope that despite their differences and petty quarrels, they will last long in the relationship...

... long enough to give me a reason to pull myself out of cynicism and believe that it doesn't have to be me carrying the world's burdens all the time.

Room Overhaul

My day had just started just when everyone was about to go to sleep. It was already past midnight when I arrived home from the gym. The workout was intense and exhausting, but since it is the time of the year when I have to do some room cleaning, I took advantage of my nocturnal waking pattern and did my overhaul two nights ago.

Armed with a bundle of clean rugs and a Glade dust spray that was left by the maid outside my room, I began working with the wooden bookcase next to the computer table. The challenge with the bookcase was that it had three shelves and two cabinets filled with books and trinkets that I have collected throughout the ages. It had mementos from my youth, statues of saints and sages that were given to me by friends and loved ones, and small souvenirs that I bought from my travels. Not only did dust flew and scattered around me, the memories brought after unearthing my school books from Kindergarten and tiny objects that were filled with juvenile stories reminded me that I'm indeed getting old.

There were several self-help and inspiration books that my mom lent me during my turbulent adolescent years. I never read them. Nevertheless, I was able to overcome my troubles with sheer optimism and by writing down my frustrations on a notebook in hopes that in some future, I would be able to laugh after reading them. Poetry books from Ricky De Ungria and Ruel De Vera were also part of my collection. I never learned how to write a poem, but I love reading them aloud when alone in my room. I also found books written by Carl Sagan. If you're not familiar with him, he was a celebrity astronomer. In my high school years, I would read his book "Cosmos" over and over just to bask under his luminescent dreams for a humanity that embraced reason and science.

He lived long enough to see the end of Cold War, which he thought was the potential cause for the extermination of life in this planet. How ironic that a decade later after he died, scientists learned that Global Warming will spell the end of life as we know it.

Next to the bookcase was the TV Stand. It had three decks that supported my 17-inch Panasonic TV on the top deck, my toiletries, which I always make sure to arrange symmetrically on the middle deck, and the original boxes of Sims Expansion pack and the DVD player that occupy the bottom deck. It wasn't difficult to clean the surface, since the TV stand was partially obstructed by the towering bookcase from the harmful dust entering from the window.

Slowly, I made my way from one furniture to the other. I ensured that every surface was well attended, it would reflect the light when I directed the lampshade at them . Even the bed sheet, which I had changed a few days ago did not escape my obsession. I had to change it again so I can lie down on my bed assured that no dust or dirt will ever stick to my body.

Cleaning my room is one of the things that I love doing intimately. Except for arranging the clothes inside the closet - which I let the maid do for me, everything that I had to clean or rearrange would have to pass through my hands first. It doesn't matter if I wasn't able to clean them like a compulsive person would do. So long as the surfaces where my personal things are placed are free from dust, then it would already be satisfaction for me.

I once told a friend that my room preference will always adhere to the minimalist philosophy. Clutter is one of the things I abhor, so expect that even CD cases had proper boxes to keep them away from my view. I also thrive in symmetry - with a special emphasis on corners, when putting objects in place. I have this hidden love affair with balance, that I'd prefer throwing some things away than compromise the harmony of the surfaces where these objects were placed.

During my room overhaul, I discovered some mementos from last Christmas that I forgot to put inside the "treasure box" hidden in one of the cabinets on top of my dresser. I dumped some books, that I felt won't serve me no purpose anymore. These books were turned over to the maid yesterday, hoping that their relatives in the province would gain from the knowledge these books offer. I also discovered that all my semi-formal attire had grown too large that I won't have anything to wear when I get invited to attend a function. There are no immediate plans of giving them away - in case I become a plus size again in the future.

Finally, I found an old wallet in one of the drawers with a wad of cash hidden inside its pocket. The money amounted to P2,000 when I counted all the 100 peso bills. Upon a series of recollection which I did to make sure that I don't owe anyone some money, I learned that this was the money I had set aside for the cable installation payment a few months ago. Apparently, we had a misunderstanding with the agent. It turned out, the Skycable Digiboxes were free of charge and I wasn't able to return the money I had withdrawn from the bank because of my very busy schedule.

The first faint rays of sunlight was already peeking between the folds of my curtain when the last crumples in my bedsheet had been straightened. I took a quick cold shower to wash off the dirt and sweat from my body and then went out to eat a hearty breakfast at the nearby Chowking restaurant before going to sleep.

Twice I do a room overhaul in one year. In those two special occasions, the only feeling that comes to mind after the fulfillment of having a room cleaned is renewal.

The new order of things symbolizes my desire to break from my dusty and cluttered past.

---

Will attempt the imposible: All-Night General Cleaning with only a humble lampshade to guide me. Haha. Tama si Wanderer, Ibang trip to!!

- Twitter post, 12:41 am

Conrado De Quiros On Homosexuality

Natural

I read with much interest a couple of bishops’ take on gays. Their remarks were occasioned by several other Church officials earlier expressing their unhappiness over gays participating in the Santacruzan traditional parade, which they said tarnished the image of the Virgin Mary. It stirred up a minor storm last week.

Bishop Jose Oliveros, chair of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) Office on Bio-ethics, says that contrary to popular belief, the Catholic Church is not intolerant of gays, it is liberal with gays. The Church, he says, has come to terms with them. “We try to be compassionate and understand homosexuals and guide them towards the right path where they should not act out on their desires.” By itself, being attracted to the same sex is not a sin. Doing something about that attraction is.

Bishop Leonardo Medroso, CBCP Commissioner on Canon Law chair, agrees. He has a rather clever way of proving it. Catholics, he says, are forbidden to have sex outside marriage. That applies to everyone, man or woman. “Marriage and sex, as the Church views it, are solely for reproduction. That’s the nature of marriage, opening up a couple to producing children. We cannot have that in a man-to-man or woman-to-woman relationship. Therefore, sex between persons of the same sex becomes unnatural and offends the Church.”

The argument is clever. It says nothing about whether being gay is aberrant or not. It merely says that all sex outside of marriage is a sin. And since gays may not marry (at least each other), then any sex by them is a sin!

The easiest course is for gays to just bolt out of Catholicism and shop around for a faith more hospitable to their cause. Though I grant that isn’t easy: Islam seems far more forbidding, with its irascible “May Allah strike down the unclean” attitude toward those who do not fit the mold. I don’t know what the Buddhist, Hindu and Confucian positions are.

But not all Filipino gays will want to do that, many of them counting themselves lucky to be embracing Christ—in the figurative sense of course. I personally have gay friends who are good and decent—why shouldn’t they be, they’re no different from the rest of us—who are self-professed Christians, and who have gay relationships. A couple of gay women I know are even planning to have kids by artificial insemination. They cannot imagine a God that is compassionate and merciful who will consign them to hell because of it. But that’s the wonder of it, how the Church insists on practicing the religious equivalent of Procrustes’ bed: If the person does not fit the bed, cut off or stretch his arms and limbs until he does.

The Church’s doctrine on marriage in particular should be enough to drive Catholics, straight or gay, into the arms of Hinduism, which extols the virtues of the Kama Sutra, or at least does not frown on it. The idea that marriage and sex exist solely for procreation could only have been invented either by masochists or persons whose nerve endings have been dulled to a state of insensateness. One is tempted to say that this is a case where the sheep should assure the shepherds that sex, or getting laid, or f---ing your brains out—three ways of expressing a miracle of Creation—is one of the most intense, well, religious experiences they can possibly have. But I doubt they need to be assured it at all. If they did, the Pope wouldn’t have to publicly apologize to the victims of all sorts of sexual abuse by the clergy.

The idea of a couple, married or not, having sex in order to procreate is hilarious. It conjures the image of them hard at it (no pun intended for the male partner), enduring the ordeal, determined only like soldiers pinned down in trenches to persevere out of a sense of duty and finally to break through in one great rush. What a perverse and joyless act that is. I doubt any Christian, short of an ascetic, will fill the bill.

Whatever happened to love? Whatever happened to ecstasy? Whatever happened to two people, straight or gay, bonded by feelings that cannot be expressed by words, needing to express themselves to each other by flinging themselves into each other’s arms and surrendering themselves into a consummation devoutly to be wished? Surely that is part of the magic of life?

Which brings me to the argument that the Church is not proscribing against gays, it is merely proscribing against gays acting as gays, or that it is not demanding that gays do not get attracted to other gays, it is merely demanding that gays do not act on it. I don’t know about you but I found Ang Lee’s “Brokeback Mountain” to be an honest-to-goodness love story, ranking up there with “When Harry Met Sally” and “Sleepless in Seattle.” Gays do fall in love too, and what I figure is unnatural is to compel them on the ground that it is perverse or that they cannot procreate to abort it. There is nothing more natural than love in whatever form it takes. Sex is not overrated, procreation is. Demanding that gays feel but not fulfill is not Christian, it is sadistic.

I don’t know the finer points of theology, but I’ve always had the impression that what distinguished the Old Testament from the New Testament is that the New looks at the world more positively. Where the Old Testament called on fire and brimstone to befall those who failed to obey their ten “Thou shalt not’s,” the New Testament called on God’s grace to fall on those who obeyed his son’s single commandment of “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” That seems like a pitch for tolerance and largeness of spirit. Last I looked, if Jesus Christ frowned on anything, it was on prissiness and hypocrisy, preferring the company of fishers and a reformed (?) prostitute to those that scorned them.

It was so unnatural they nailed him to the cross.

---

One of these days, I will write about my favorite columnist and how he swayed me to take up Journalism seriously in my college years.

And I am overjoyed that his largeness of spirit and openness of mind can embrace the existence of people like me.

The Greening Of Manila

The sun rises behind the pristine Sierra Madre mountains where newly-planted saplings of Narra and Agoho had replaced the once sprawling subdivisions that were used to be part of Antipolo. In twenty years, a lush rainforest will cover large tracks of this hillside, becoming another watershed area that is beginning to surround the fringes of Metro Manila.

In a matter of minutes, hundreds of solar panels cleaving on millions of rooftops around the city will leave a glint of sunlight reflected back to the sky. By this time, Meralco have lost billions of pesos, trying to consolidate its dwindling power base of households still dependent on the electricity it supplied. Many families have emancipated themselves by turning to solar energy to power their homes.

Garbage, which used to be a problem of our time, will be a thing of the past in this enlightened age. After the last president, who was an out-gay, had made into law the mandatory recycling and segregation bill proposed by the Senate, many poor families have actually benefited from collecting refuse like plastic and glass bottles to sell them to refurbishing plants that turn these garbage into solar panels. As a result, these panels were so affordable, one can install an entire set in their rooftop at less than the price of the current generation of semi-organic laptops.

Going out of the house, one will be greeted not by flies or cockroaches but by genetically altered indigo butterflies that eat larvae and rotting trash in order to live. They glide above algae rich canals that were once reeking with dirt and filth. Clean water from car exhaust vents flow into these canals. The steep oil prices of 2010 had forced many car industries to embrace hydrogen engines overnight. As a result, even motorbikes run on water and electricity thanks to this revolution.

At night, fireflies glow in dark spaces that separate one house from the next. If one would pay close attention, all homes are lit by energy saving lamps that were freely distributed by the candidates during the last elections Plants have invaded even the tiniest of cracks, where crickets have found an ideal nesting ground for their brood. Their chorus of chirps serenade a sleeping city that had turned into an urban jungle in the last thirty years.

Still, Green Politics dictate the direction of World Affairs. No one will ever forget how Prime Minister John Howard of Australia lost to Kevin Rudd after he stubbornly refused to sign the Kyoto Protocol in those early days of the Green Revolution. The state of Florida still remembers how it lost half of its land and population during the Hurricane season of 2020. Even the new Pope, John Paul IV had declared polluting the environment one of the mortal sins for the new century.

---

- tobecontinued

photo borrowed from Dr. Magsasaka's Flickr Collection.

Soloflight

Mataas na ang sikat ng araw ng ako'y magising kaninang umaga. Hubad man sa aking pagtulog, naroon pari't balot ng malagkit na pawis ang aking balingkinitang katawan. Gaya ng nakagawian na, ako'y tutungo sa kuwarto ng aking nanay upang batiin siya ng magandang tanghali. Matapos humalik sa kanyang pisngi'y ako naman ay bababa upang humarap sa salamin katapat ng aming sala.

"Flat tummy... I'm starved to death na naman."

Dahil hindi naman ako naghahapunan sa amin, madalas ay espesyal ang ulam namin tuwing tanghalian. Chicken Curry ang kinain ko kanina. Palibhasa'y tuloy pa rin ang pagpapakumpuni ng aking nanay sa aming bahay, magulo na ang kusina nang akin itong datnan. Ang mga karpintero ay naghahalo ng kanilang pintura sa garahe, samantalang ang kapatid ko naman na unang araw sa trabaho ay umaga pa lang ay nakaalis na ng bahay.

Matapos kumain, dagli akong naligo gamit ang tubig na ininit sa akin ng aming kasambahay. Ubos na ang aking Nivea Facial Wash kaya naman tiniis ko na lang na wala munang hilamos ngayong araw. Kadiri. Subali't dahil marami naman akong lakad sa aking paglabas, tiyak na sa pag-uwi ko kinagabihan ay may dala na akong toiletries para sa aking katawan.

---

Ang unang lakad ko ay sa PUP.

Ilang linggo na ang nakalipas simula ng hikayatin ako ng aking inay na rumaket sa unibersidad na kanyang tinuturuan. Ito daw ay makakatulong sa aking Master's lalo pa't ako rin naman ang unang nakapansin na walang "human element" ang isang dokyumentaryo na ginawa ng mga estudyante galing sa kanilang Mass-Com Department. Kasama kasi sa documentary na ito ang aking ina. Palibhasa'y bahagi ng training ko ang kahalagahaan ng pagpukaw ng emosyon sa pagsusulat, kaya naman matindi ang aking batikos sa kanilang presentation.

"What's the purpose of statistical data if it cannot induce any emotions from the viewers?" Hirit ko sa aking nanay habang pinapanood namin ang documentary. Tuloy, nagresulta ito sa aking hangaring "ibahagi" ang aking nalalaman tungkol sa mga bagay na ito. Dala na rin ng matagumpay na reporting sa aking Middle Eastern Literature class noong isang semester, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sumabak sa mundo ng pagtuturo.

Sa kasamaang palad, nawawala ang aking application letter pati na rin ang resume na dineretso pa ng aking inay sa kanilang Presidente. Sa ikalawang pagkakataon, nabigo na naman ang pagbalik ko sa unibersidad kung saan ako nag-high school. Sayang. Handa ko na sanang isuko ang raket na ito na binansagan kong "Project Osiris" pero ang sabi ng aking nanay, siya daw mismo ang mag-fofollow up sa Presidente kung ano na ang nangyari sa aking application.

Bahala na si Batman kung ito ba'y maging bahagi ng aking hinaharap.

---

Ang ikalawang lakad ay sa aking gym.

"Grabe, kaharap ko ngayon si Ginoo. Mukhang mapapasubo ako sa work-out ko nito." Ang text ko kay Kuya Trip habang si Ginoo naman ay nakangiti sa akin.

Paano naman kasi, sa tinatagal-tagal kong pag-iwas sa gymmate kong ito'y siya namang biglang sabay ng aming pagbubuhat. Ang nakakailang pa sa aming pagtatagpo, magkatapat ang aming power cage kung saan siya ay gumagawa ng bicep curl samantalang ako naman ay nakahiga upang gawin ang aking bench press.

Matipuno pa rin ang morenong katawan at brusko pa rin sa kilos si Ginoo. Nakaka-distract man ang kanyang malaking tiyan, subalit sa pasimpleng pagtitig ko sa malaking braso niya ay pinanlalabutan na ako.

Bago ako magsimula ay napansin niya ang aking pagdating. Tumango siya upang ipaalam ang kanyang pagkilala sa aking presence. Gusto ko man magsalita at batiin siya, subalit ako'y inabutan na ng pagkabakla dahil na rin sa paghanga ko sa kanya.

Iba talaga ang dating sa akin ng lalaking ito.

Habang gumagawa ng sets sa aking Benchpress, kapansin-pansin ang pagtigas ng aking alaga sa tuwing siya'y tumatayo't pumapagitna sa aking mga binti upang magpahinga. Masyado kasing napupukaw ni Ginoo ang aking imahinasyon lalo pa't walang isang dipa ang lapit namin sa bawat isa. Grabe. Kaya naman kahit pinagbabawal sa amin ang madaliin ang exercise, nagawa at natapos ko ang Benchpress sa higit na maikling oras kumpara sa aking madalas na nagagawa.

Isang oras rin ang tinagal ko sa loob ng Eclipse. Sa tagal kong iyon, puro pagpapasikat yata kay Ginoo ang aking ginawa nang walang habas kong pinagsabay ang cardio at weightlifting. Isipin mo na lang, sa aking Squats na 150 lbs, kailangan kong makabuo ng 20 sets na may alternate na tatlo at isang reps at pahingang 30 seconds bawat interval. Tuwing naroon si Ginoo malapit sa akin, ang 30 seconds rest ay nagiging 20 seconds na lang kaya naman kahit tagaktak na ang pawis ko sa pagbubuhat, pakonswelo na lang na nagiging inspirasyon ko ang kanyang pang-kamang katawan.

---

Ikatlong lakad: Santa Clara Church.

Nais kong panindigan ang aking panata na magpakabuti, kahit ito pa'y nasira ko nitong nakaraang gabi. Upang humingi na rin ng kapatawaran sa aking kalokohang nagawa, bumalik ako sa simbahan ng Santa Clara para manalangin ng taimtim. Dito na rin kasi ako natutong kumuha ng lakas sa tuwing ako'y nagugulo ang isip at nababalutan ng takot sa dibdib.

Sandali lang naman ang aking itinagal. Ang mahalaga'y napagdasal ko ang mga taong importante sa akin at nakapagpasalamat ako sa mga biyayang natatanggap, ito man ay maliit at kadalasan ay hindi ko lubusang napapansin. Naroon rin at kasama sa aking dasal ang pangakong magiging mabuti sa kapwa, kahit na ako'y nabibigo na magpakabuti sa aking sarili.

Makulimlim na ang kalangitan nang ako ay lumabas ng chapel. Dala ko sa aking puso ang kapayapaan na lagi kong nakukuha, sa tuwing ako'y pumupunta sa kumbentong iyon.

---

Nagsimula ang aking lakad ilang oras matapos magtanghalian, at natapos ito ilang minuto bago mag TV-Patrol.

Sa lakad ko ngayong araw, sumakay ako ng isang tricycle, apat na biyaheng FX, isang LRT mula V. Mapa hanggang Katipunan at isang jeep mula Cubao hanggang Santa Mesa. Mahaba rin ang aking nilakad gamit ang mga paa, lalo na sa bahaging Katipunan mula Santa Clara hanggang P-Tuazon sa Cubao. Natagtag rin ako sa aking superintense workout salamat sa inspirasyong dala ni Ginoo na nakasabay ko sa pagbubuhat kanina.

Bukod sa aking tatlong malalaking lakad, nakapag-stop over pa ako sa Puregold Shaw upang bumili ng pang linis sa mukha, at pati na rin sa PS Bank upang magbayad ng aking credit bill. Namili rin ako ng itlog na iaalay kay Santa Clara, nagbigay ng bente pesos sa dalawang batang balak sana ako pagbentahan ng Sampaguita habang naglalakad patungong simbahan at nakabisita sa isang palengke sa Araneta Center, kung saan nabighani ako nang makita sa isang pasilyo ang mga binebentang palaka na sangkap sa mga exotic dish.

Sa buong maghapong lakad ko, ang talagang kasama ko lang ay ang I-pod na lagi kong pinapalitan ng istasyon sa tuwing magbabago ang mood ko. Naroon rin ang isang binata na hindi ko man personal na kilala, ngunit sa aming walang sawang pagpapalitan ng text messages upang kilalanin ang bawat isa ay nagbigay sa akin ng pakiramdam na may kasama.

At gaya ng aking mga lakad simula kabataan ko pa lang, maituturing na isang soloflight ang lakwatsa na ito. Sa kabila noon, kahit kailan ay hindi ko naramdaman ang pagiging looser, bagkus nagkakaroon pa ako ng sheer enjoyment sa aking pag-iisa. Paano ba naman, sa halip na meron akong aalalahanin at hindi papagurin, sarili ko lang ang dala ko. Matripan ko man maglakad pauwi ng bahay o kaya naman ay pumasok sa opisina ng may opisina upang matagpuan lamang ang istatwa ni Buddha, walang magsasabing naprapraning ako't malapit na ipasok sa mental hospital.

Natapos ang aking maghapon na puno ng fulfillment. Bumalik man ako sa trabaho bukas, buong pagmamalaki kong masasabi na solb ang day off ko. At bilang pagtanaw ng utang na loob sa aking natamong di-maipaliwanag na kaligayahan.

Umuwi akong basa ng tubig ulan.

Paano kasi'y kahit malakas na ang buhos nito, hayun at mukha akong timang na sa gitna ng kalsada, naglalakad na parang escort sa isang sagala.

Ito ang tunay na kalayaan para sa akin.

---

"Ang boring pala talaga na tao. Loser pa! Boring at Loser. What a combination!

Pinarealize nya lang sa akin kung gaano "di kanormalan" ang lumabas ng magisa araw araw. Madalas ko pa naman syang katxtmate, kaya madalas alam nya kung anu ang mga pinaggagawa ko--lumabas magisa, kumain magisa, manuod ng sine magisa. Basta lahat ng bahay na ginagawa nyo ng may kasama ay ginagawa kong magisa."

- Itong entry na ito'y maging inspirasyon sana sa iyo, Kaibigang Shamasu.

Dream Journals Fifteen

Nakita ko ang aking sarili na kausap ang isang babae na hawig ng kapatid ko. Tanda ko pa ang kanyang suot na jeans at T-shirt na paborito niyang suotin kapag sumasali ito ng mga rally. Napansin ko rin ang kulay pulang bandana na nakapulupot sa ulo nito.

Naroon kami sa isang construction site. Malalim ang hukay sa lupa at ang isang bahagi nito ay lubog sa tubig na may halong burak. Bumaba ng hukay ang babae upang mag-imbistiga. Ako naman ay nakatayo lang sa itaas, ilang talampakan mula sa excavation at nakikipag-text sa aking kalandian sa cellphone.

Sa kasamaang palad biglang dumulas ang cellphone sa aking kamay at nahulog ito sa tubig na may halong burak. Natatandaan ko pa nga ang aking pagka-badtrip sapagkat panay na ang gastos ko, ngunit heto't kailangan ko na naman bumili ng bagong telepono. Sinabi ko sa babae ang aking problema. Sa halip na makisampatya sa inabot kong kamalasan, inanyayahan pa niya akong bumaba ng hukay upang samahan siya.

Nang makarating ako sa putikang bahagi kung saan nahulog ang aking cellphone, inutusan niya akong ilubog ang aking kamay sa tubig na may burak. Sabi ko sa kanya na mukhang malalim ang bahaging pinaghulugan ng aking telepono at malabo na itong makuha at gumana pa dahil nabasa na ito ng tubig. Ngunit sa kabila nito, napilit pa rin niya akong kapain ang cellphone dahil ayon sa kanya'y mababaw lang daw ang tubig.

Upang patunayan na mali ang kanyang sinasabi, nilubog ko ang aking kamay sa burak.

At laking gulat ko dahil hindi lamang mababaw ang tubig na may halong burak, nang iangat ko ang aking kamay kasama ang cellphone ay gumagana pa ito na tila ba walang nangyari kahit na napakataas ng pinaghulugan at tubig pa ang pinagbagsakan nito.

---

I found my answer in the tranquility of sleep.
Dominus will remain.

Darkstar Grinning

And we think:
bereft of a voice, no one could have spoken
or recognized its grace. But we know:
pleasure purls through the stones of this silence.
This breathing and seeing and listening
suddenly, without names.

- J. Neil Garcia, Garden of Wordlessness

The Return Of P-Man

pman™ says:
nakuwento naba ni rikuo pinaka wild na ginawa ko nung nag inom kami nila kuhol..

pman™ says:
it was kuhol's bday

mugen says:
nope

mugen says:
what happened?

pman™ says:
haha naging wild ako.. ayun na tripan ko si kuhol

mugen says:
ingat ka hehe.

pman™ says:
HAHA

pman™ says:
sanay nako sa ganon pag nalalasing ako

mugen says:
ganon ba

mugen says:
yun nga kwento mo sa akin.

pman™ says:
thrice ko ng nagagawa yun sa mga str8

mugen says:
ahh

pman™ says:
hehe but hey, im not proud of it LOL

pman™ says:
pero wala naman masyadong wild..

---

It was as if someone from above was making fun of my situation. Out of thin air, P-man suddenly went online this afternoon only to have a chat with me. I do not know what his reasons were and I am not interested to find out. Probably he was just dead bored and needed someone to talk to. You see, even though we pretend not to see each other at the floor, we consider ourselves in good terms. Once in a while, I'd learn a thing or two about him but these things doesn't matter like they used to be when I was still attached to him.

So we had a talk. We updated each other's lives and I found out many things about him. He said that he prefers to stay home and download tons of mp3s from the net. He also misses drinking with the guys that he used to harass after he gets drunk.

Minutes had turned to hours and before I knew it, our conversation became the longest we ever had since we got introduced two years ago. What I found so strange about our chat was I did not accommodate him just to prolong our conversation. The conversation that was full of hot air came out naturally and even if he remained the no-care-in-the-world person that he had always been, I was able to assert myself long enough to give him the impression that I am not the same person who used to put him on the pedestal.

I do not know where this renewed ties would lead to, and it doesn't matter to me anymore. Funny how I used to see the taxi incident we had as something magical and out of this world. Now, I would just even laugh about it and blame my stupidity for giving in. The conversation had validated that I'm ready to speak to him in equal terms. Gone are the days when I would feel giddy the moment his name appears in my chat box.

Indeed, my eyes were finally open and I'm glad everything is now but a memory so far away.

---

As to the conversation above, please refer to the entry Suicide Attack (Hypercollider Remix)

Human

It was delivered to me like a newborn child.

Its carbon black surface was still warm from the box where it originally came from. When my fingers ran across its rubbery mouse pad, I immediately felt a connection between us. For a fleeting second, there was a bond that only a true parent could describe of. But ours was never sentient. What I had was a moment of pride that will only end in an unspeakable sorrow. When I held the machine for the first time, I do not want to let go. It was after all, a dream came true. Unfortunately, word of honor dictates that we should have a disconnection.

All my life, I longed to have a laptop. I could afford one anytime, but I've always known the price of having one. A few years back and I'd complain to one of my professors that I could not do what he instructed us to do. He wanted us to present our paper in the form of a PowerPoint presentation in front of the class. My classmate do not share my sentiments, after all, they have a laptop they could use. They say, they needed it at work so they have to own one.

But me?

I'm content with my old desktop computer. A machine that evolved after its components had been constantly disassembled, improved and reformatted just to be as workable as its descendants had come out of the assembly lines. I let my old computer adapt to new software until I found the courage to replaced it with a new unit last year.

And I'm still paying for it after it had been mine.

But the laptop is my baby. Never in my life had I thought I'd buy one. How tragic that when I could finally call one my own, it was meant to belong to someone else.

The turnover ceremony, which happened on a somber mood took place yesterday. I could not afford to take it home for the fear that my family would grow suspicious as to where my money goes. It was the sacrifice I had to make - nobody will ever know that the laptop was from me. I just hope that the receiver would treasure it like a real parent will do to his child.

If not for Davenport's presence during the turnover, I would find it very difficult to detach myself from something that came from my own blood. Blood money that is. It would take another year before I could finally emancipate myself from the responsibilities of paying for the laptop that I just bought. By then I am not sure about the fate of the machine. It would have been stolen, corrupted by a virus, or even used for other purposes aside from academics, that it's true owner never wished for it to be used.

As I reflect on the events that took place yesterday, I still find it hard to accept that I've given up something to someone who have grown too distant from my heart at the moment. I tried to seek solace from my patron in Katipunan, but her inspiration did not work while I was canvassing the laptop at Gilmore. I still felt bitter. The image of the compassionate Buddha, which suddenly appeared in the form of discovering the Universal Wisdom Center that I stumbled while looking for a cheap laptop, had given me peace.

Yet the heart stubbornly insists to express its human, self-serving feelings.

In the end, I resigned to keep my word and do what my mind intended to do from the start. I bought the laptop at a price far more expensive than my intended budget and delivered it to its new owner. I kept my peace by drinking with Deracinee, Dabo, Princess and my colleagues after the turnover was done. Time and again, I would remind myself that once you give something, never feel resentful about giving it.

So I did, what my conscience gently suggests.

Phanks and I will remain distant but nevertheless, at one.

But from now on, the only love I will ever consider is the love of a mother to her child.

The rest will just be mere infatuation, attachment or companionship.

---

EasyNote F0336-V-095

• Free DOS
• Intel® Celeron® M520 @ 1.60Ghz
• 533 Mhz
• 512 MB RAM
• 80 GB
• TFT with DiamondView

Pricetag: Confidential

Ship Of No Return

And we all agree to grant your wish and buy you the laptop of your dreams.

I am sure that when you receive the package, you will be the happiest man alive. You would show your new toy to your colleagues, brag it to your classmates, and make your housemate very jealous of your blessing. They would all ask you who bought the laptop. I imagine you say, "just a close friend" or something close to that. Your answer would make them speculate that it was your mystery Papa who bought it for you. Their suspicion would make you blush, but to save face, you would deny his existence. You would say you borrowed money from a close friend or a distant relative, and then you asked a friend to buy the laptop for you in Gilmore.

Good answer.

But before I turn it over to you, do you want to know how me and my associates came to a decision? Do you want to hear our sides, now that you have convinced me that there is no other way but to give in to your wishes? You have longed for this day as far as I can remember. You said you're tired of spending the entire night in an Internet Cafe, or in my room just to finish your report in school the following day.

Here are their answers.

Darkstar was against the idea. You're just my boyfriend for Christ's sake. I won't give up my money for my sister's needs - I'd let her work hard for it. But you, of all the people would be able to tap into my resources effortlessly. You've been tapping on mine ever since our relationship began right? Don't you ever wonder why we never go out anymore? It's the trade-off I had to do to support you and still don't feel bitter about what I did.

Pulsar agreed the moment the idea sprouted like a fungi inside my head. He said you deserve my support because you're doing a good job in school. You never showed me your class cards, but the sacrifice you are willing to give up - like doing your homework whenever you're in my home after coming from school, or cramming at the library or at work a few hours before your exams tell me that you're worth the investment. It doesn't come cheap you know, and my God, I'm going to make a lot of sacrifices until next year to pay up for your laptop. Pulsar doesn't expect you to remember this deed long after you have succeeded in your endeavor. But, it doesn't concern me anymore. After all, I can still claim that I'm growing despite having to give up so many things for you.

Dominus, of course supported the idea. He said that "everything that would make a person succeed in his lofty goals must be supported no matter what the cost." Like Pulsar, he also sees your determination to finish your studies. "Hard work like what he does should be rewarded," he explained. "As for your own sacrifice, it is already noted in the annals of karma."

I'd like to laugh sarcastically at his sugar coated explanations. But since he is always in my thoughts lately, who am I to question his biddings?

Of the four of them who took part in the decision making, it was Mugen who felt very sad before agreeing to the idea. I have to admit that the rift between us is growing bigger each day. I felt it the moment you have forgotten our fifth year last month. Besides, Mugen feels that what we have is not healthy for us anymore. We never open up to each other - except when you have problems at work, school, family or even your finances. There are times I would feel that our relationship revolves around money - and your aim to achieve your materialistic dreams. The love part only comes in hallowed words you say or in the mechanical intimacies we have when you're beside me. I hate to admit it, but sometimes, I'm not even interested to see you anymore. Do you know why? It's because I feel that every meeting we have; every act of intimacy we do has something to do with your personal goals. It's not us anymore.

It is you.

But a promise is a promise. I kept my word that I'd stick by your side so long as you're getting closer to that diploma you're aiming. Who would have thought that of all the people that became part of my life, you'd be a scholar in a university that I've never gotten into. It must be your calling and as your partner - your ever devoted boyfriend. I should be there to pull you up, even at my own expense. I think this is my own calling. It's my family's legacy to help others reach their goals of finishing their studies...

... even if we are the ones who'd always getting left behind.

You will get your laptop. I just hope that I'd find something that is within my intended budget. Don't worry, I wouldn't ask for a single centavo from you. In return, expect that I would not come to your aid anymore. We just figured out that the money I give up to support you is almost enough to pay the monthly bill for buying your laptop. You're on your own now, and I think this is the best for us. You will learn from standing on your own feet.

But since you don't have a need to see me anymore every week when you ask me to go to your office and deliver my assistance,

and since you don't need to stay home overnight to use my computer whenever you needed to do your projects.

I guess, this is as distant as we could get. I'd praise heavens when I suddenly find you at my doorstep telling me that you'd like to stay home just to lay beside me.

I'd surely praise heaven indeed if ever that moment happens.

Much as it pains me to embrace the thought that this is our relationship.

Your laptop will take me a notch closer towards my own emancipation.

It might be the key that would soon set me free.

---

Masakit,
Malungkot,
Ngunit hinding-hindi ko
ipaparamdam sayo ang lahat ng ito.

Tremors

It was past 3'o clock in the afternoon.

The sky was heaving with dark clouds. I could see it from the big glass window behind the librarian's desk next to the door leading out to the main corridor. I found myself queuing behind a group of pre-teen girls eager to extend their readings of Sweet Valley High and Hardy Boys series by borrowing the books to take them home. Meanwhile, I held in my small dirty hand a Dinosaur book I found in some dust-covered shelf located at the fringes of the library. Like the pre-teens in front of me, I also want to extend my reading home. The school bell would ring in a matter of minutes marking the end of recess. How unfortunate that we were only given 30 minutes to spend our break discovering things at a time we were most curious about our surroundings.

Our classroom was some distance away from the library. Fortunately, it was just on the other side of the building, and could be reached by a few meter's dash. It wasn't necessary for me to run. After all, the teacher would arrive late for sure. They were still in the faculty lounge, perhaps, talking about their miserable lives which nobody among our young, innocent minds would ever understand.

Science was our next subject after recess that day. Our teacher was Miss Cabacungan, a tall, sexy lady in her mid-twenties back then. They said, she was one of the youngest and most beautiful teachers among the faculty. With long black hair, slim waist and red pouting lips, even our feminine adviser claimed that he has a crush on her.

Now I know, it was all just a stunt to make us believe that he was straight in those days.

I cannot remember what we were discussing at that time. All I knew was that, barely a few minutes after she began her lecture, the ground started to shake violently. The chairs where we were seated swayed in a forward-backward motion taking us along. Meanwhile, Miss Cabacungan, who was in front of us was too stunned to make a reaction. She tried to appear calm and in control, but the look in her eyes revealed fear and confusion. She just froze there on the spot, unsure of what to do or how to keep us all safe.

If Miss Cabacungan was stunned by what was happening, we were helpless in our state. Even the class bully could not utter a single word while the ground was about to swallow us alive. It wasn't our fault that were unable to react. After all, a tremor that powerful had never entered our memories yet.

Instinctively, I burrowed my face against the desk and my hands were on my head expecting that the concrete ceiling will crush us at any second. The screams and the shouting of the all-girl high school students, who were lucky enough to run out of their classrooms and into the quadrangle can be heard outside. Unfortunately for us who were stuck on the second floor of the building, we had no choice but to wait until the shaking stops.

Amidst the panic and confusion around me, I could hear the roof above making a screeching, ear shattering sound. "Parang may mga higanteng nag-eespadahan sa labas!" I would tell my mom after arriving home that evening. When the swaying finally stopped, Miss Cabacungan instructed us to walk slowly out of the room and into the quadrangle outside. I remember a girl classmate beside me who was still shaking while cautiously descending the stairs. Her face was flustered and sweating. Her eyes were becoming watery the more we get closer towards our safe haven.

The quadrangle was already full of hysterical students when we reached it. Girls, boys, and even teachers - everyone was just relieved to see their friends safe and alive. Soon people began exchanging stories as to what they did while the earth was shaking. The wall that divides teachers and pupils broke down that afternoon revealing the humanity everyone was hiding behind their mask of formality.

As for most of us who had never experienced going through a strong earthquake before, our shared feelings border on fear, bewilderment and excitement.

It doesn't include those who were crying and still calling for their mommies thirty minutes after the earth stopped shaking.

The date was July 16, 1990. I was in Grade 3 and it was the last time I felt the ground move so violently, the haunting memory still lingers to this day. They say, Manila gets struck by a major earthquake every 22 years and I do not know if there is a study behind such prophetic announcement. However, the last time I heard the earth moved violently happened two decades earlier.

It was when the Ruby Towers in Quiapo collapsed and buried hundreds of people still sleeping in their quarters that morning.

---

China was struck by a very strong earthquake two days ago.

10,000 people were confirmed dead, including some 900 students who were crushed to death while having their classes in a university that collapsed in one of the cities affected by the tremor.

Myanmar is still on its knees after a cyclone devastated the country last week. It was China's turn to suffer now.

With every part of the planet subject under nature's fury.

I wonder, when would our turn come next?

Remembering The Badinggerzie Saga

To you, who I danced at BED two years ago:

Found your multiply page last year. I did not make my presence felt for the uncertainty that you might not be the one who left me with lingering memories that lonely night. Yesterday, I found your blog through one of my links. You are the same guy who owns the multiply account I discovered before.

Two years is a very long time - long enough for you to forget our dance that night. However, in case my hunch is correct. If you are the same guy I met at BED, then call this reunion a serendipity.

Just to let you know pare, I still remember.

I hope to see you again.

---

Dear Badingerzie
March 25, 2006

Ganun pala ang feeling kapag ang mega bet mo ay suddenly na karir mo sa dance floor.

Grabe, hindi ko kinaya ang mga eksenang nangyari kanina. Alam ko lang, kasayaw niya yung isang chabelitang hindi naman deserving sa kanya dahil halatang hindi keri ang mga giling niya. Maya-maya, lumapit na lang siya sa akin at tinulak ako papunta sa gitna para makasayaw. I swear kung uod lang ako, pwede na akong budburan ng asin para mag wiggle ng walang katapusan sa kinatatayuan ko.

Alam mo ba ate, habang kaharap ko siya, lahat na ata ng pwede kong punahin sa sarili ko eh napuna ko na. Nandun na magworry ako dahil amoy sigarilyo ang aking hininga. Nandun na napaka-oily ng balat ko at wala man lang akong panyong pamunas habang sumasayaw kaming dalawa. Nandun at pati ang bilbil ko eh ikabadtrip ko na dahil lumalaylay sa tagiliran ko. Para akong dalagitang nasa harap ng kanyang first crush, kulang na lang matunaw ako habang sumasayaw sa harap niya.

Nakakatuwa ano? Kahit ako hindi ko ineexpect na ganun pa rin ako ka eng-eng pag may bet akong pumansin sa akin. Jusku! bihira lang ata sa tanang buhay ko yun. Kahit nung kapokpokan ko pa nung sinaunang panahon, once in a blue moon lang mangyari ang mga pagkakataong ito. Takot ko nga, baka sa sobrang lousy ko magsayaw (dahil sobrang tense ako habang nangigigil siya habang gumigiling sa harap ko), maaring talikuran na lang niya ako't makipagsayaw sa iba.

Lalo na't kung saan-saan ang tingin niya at hindi sa akin.

Diba sobrang looser ng kalalabasan ko nun? Siguro kung nangyari yun, nagpaka-tago tago na ako sa madilim na bahagi ng BED at magpapanatang hindi muna magpakita sa lugar na yun in 48 years.

Kaimbyerna, mahirap talaga tumanggap ng rejection minsan.

---

Pasensya na kung hindi ko na kayo masyado nasamahan nung nakapartner ko siya. Alam ko namang happiness rin kayo. Nakakatawa nga eh. Everytime na kasama kita, nauuwi sa karir mode ang drama ko. Ngayon nga lang eh pumalo sa jackpot. Siya yung unang superbet na sinabi ko sayo na dinedma mo lang. Mukhang swerte ang dala mo sakin - mas tumataas ang market value ko kapag nasa isang bar tayo.

Alam mo ang nakakatawa, habang nag-uusap kami... habang binabakuran ko siya BUONG magdamag nung umalis na kayo, at habang inaalalayan ko ang mokong dahil lasing na lasing na; nakabaon sa isip ko yung sabi mong wala akong K magkaroon ng happiness hangga't hindi ko nakukuha ang pangalan, tirahan, edad, trabaho at telepon number ng bet ko.

Sa kanya... abot langit ang nakuha ko - except sa isang bagay na sinadya kong di kunin. Kung happiness na akong nakita siya nung medyo maaga pa, marahil perfection na ang nakasayaw ko siya.

---

Sayang nga lang

Ang aming moment ay isang magdamagan lang - sa isang dancefloor kung saan konti ang tao at ang music ay talaga namang hindi nakaka-inspire isayaw.

At ang pabaon niya lang sakin ay ang kanyang 5'8 na height, singkit na mga mata, makinis na kutis, dimples sa mga pisngi at makisig na pangangatawan.

Siguro hanggang sa panaginip, paulit ulit na maririnig ko ang kanyang Fookien-accent na Tagalog at ang kanyang walang katapusang tanong tungkol sa kung sino ang kasama ko sa bahay at kung maari ba siyang makitulog.

Para tuloy akong si Cinderella habang paulit ulit ko itong naalala habang sinusulat ang entry na ito.

---

Nagsama pa kami ng mahaba-habang oras matapos kayong umalis ng BED.

Sumandal pa kami sa pader, nahiga sa sofa, nagdikitan ng mga braso, nagkiskisan ng mga pisngi. Kung ibang tao lang siguro yun, nauwi sa laplapan ang nangyari sa aming dalawa.

At alam mo ba, nagvolunteer pa akong ihatid siya sa kanilang bahay sa Cubao na nauwi sa paghahatid niya sa akin malapit sa bahay - nalibre pa ako ng pamasahe.

Sabi niya kasi masyado daw malayo ang Cubao para sa akin eh... baka magkaproblema lang ako pauwi.

At alam mo ba ang pinakamalungkot sa lahat?

Ang aming simula at katapusan ay inabot lamang ng dalawang oras - katumbas lamang ito ng isang panonood ng sine na nagkaroon ng malungkot na ending.

Marahil pagkagising niya mamaya, nakalimutan na niya ang lahat - at ang amats na lang ang maiiwan sa kanya. Sa kanyang pagbangon at pagsisimula ng araw ng tanghali, hindi niya maalala na may isang nakilala siya sa BED na sumalo sa kanya - habang siya'y lunod sa alkohol at magulo ang pag-iisip.

Marahil kapag nagkita kaming muli sa mga susunod na panahon, isang panandaliang titig na lang o kaya astig na patango ang isusukli niya sa pagbati ko sa kanya.

Marahil sa muli naming pagkikita... nakalimutan ko na ang hitsura ng kanyang maangas ngunit katuwa-tuwang pagmasdang mukha.

Napakalapit ko na sana, pero sadyang pagkakataon - at disiplina ang nagpigil sakin.

---

Tanda ko pa, ilang segundo bago ako bumaba hinirit pa niya na magtext ako sa kanya, na sinuklian ko lang ng paasar na ngiti.

Tangina, paano ako magtetext sa kanya eh sa kalasingan niya

at sa takot kong magkaroon ng dugtong-dugtong na linya ang aming kwentong buhay na nagsimula ngayong gabi...

Nakalimutan naming magpalit ng numero ng cellphone ng bawat isa.

Ang lahat ay tinapos ko na sa isang gabi lamang.

---

Dear Badinggerzie (End of Daydream Fantasy Redub)

Gay Marriage

Aren't they sweet?

You can see in their faces how happy they are. Never in my three years as a colleague did I see Ms. Macaldo beaming a smile like the one she gave, while snapshots were being taken during the reception. As for Mr. Pery's luscious, red lips - the same kissable lips that had cast a spell on several attractive girls in the morning shift - will be for Ms. Macaldo's private enjoyment from now on.

Strange, but no one at work was aware that a wedding took place. It wasn't announced by the HR Department, which has always been considered the source of information in the office. The last time I saw Ms. Macaldo was yesterday, she was still a he and was wearing a green striped polo and jeans that he might had bought from some Ukay-Ukay store at the Fort. He was seated on one of the workstations busy working on for his day's quota. As for Mr. Pery, I saw him smoking in the parking lot this afternoon. When confronted about the wedding picture, he insisted that he is still the same cool lover boy, no matter what the evidence had shown.

Wait... If I saw Ms. Macaldo sporting a barber's cut and wearing a guy's outfit yesterday and Mr. Pery insisting his innocence this afternoon... OMG! The photo must be the work of some Adobe trickster bent on spreading confusion across the floor. I shouldn't be posting this stolen picture knowing that many people access my blog.

Some might even be acquainted with the two lovebirds above.

The photo might get me into deep trouble.

---

But since the fake wedding picture has already been uploaded, I might use this opportunity to promote Ms. Macaldo's cause.

Dikya, as we fondly call him is a member of the Ladlad Party List. He is known for sending constant updates on email, Friendster or Multiply about the group's activities regardless of the receiver being gay or straight. I do not know of his position in the organization, but it seems like Dikya has strong connections with Danton Remoto. In several occasions, he tried to recruit me to become one of their party members. I declined his invitation out of outing concerns, but I gave my full support for the cause.

Dikya hopes that if Ladlad wins a seat in Congress in 2010, he would be given projects that focus on the improvement of lives of gay men and women in the country. I don't know what these projects are, but knowing how resourceful he is, I'm sure he would come up with activities that would reach out to a wider community.

He might be flamboyant and very effeminate, but hell yeah, Dikya is a person to be admired.

As for Mr. Pery, aside from being mistaken as an undertaker-cum-lover boy, he is one of the top income grosser among my colleagues. He claims to be straight and no one ever dares to question his preference. Life is a party, he will always say to his faithful followers.

Indeed, a party is a flop without his comedic presence.

---

I was laughing alone in my work station, when I found the picture on one of my colleague's Multipy page. I thought it would be a good subject for a spoof entry knowing that everyone has been stealing Pery and Dikya's head pics to attach them on someone else's body pics for ages.

From a harmless and funny Adobe-inspired transformation, I realized the relevance of the photo in the ongoing gay marriage debate that is becoming a national issue in most countries around the globe.

Not in my lifetime will gay marriage be allowed in the Philippines. I have come to terms with that. The issue of religious sensibility will surface; exposes of graft and corruption in high-level branches of the government will always grace the headlines; and Imbestigador-inspired bathouse raids, like the one that was shown last Saturday will always cast gay people in a bad light.

The photo above is just wishful thinking.

But who knows. With people like Dikya working non-stop for the improvement of our welfare.

Maybe... just maybe... in less than a decade, civil partnerships will be granted to gay couples in the country.

Mudang

Damp is the cold night air, where pools of water on some dark empty street give hints of an early evening downpour. Smoke rises from a Marlboro Lights stick, puffed and huffed by some guy on a red shirt I ran across the street.

It is getting late. I should be home.

Bittersweet memories of Dapitan on a late Saturday night remind me of the days when I used to spend it with reckless abandon after politicking all afternoon in a nearby university.

But tonight, all routines must change. No parties, no gimmicks.

In a barely lit stall not far away, red dew-kissed roses greet the passersby. Many of them take notice and stops to inspect the flowers sold for tomorrow's occasion.

Hope Mama's gonna be surprised when I bring one of these blossoms home.

I pulled out my wallet
took out a crisp P200 peso bill.
Remembering all the love, security and understanding
no lover can ever give to me,

I stretched my arms to the waiting hand of the store owner.

---

Sweet Red Roses

Dew-kissed flowers

All for the love of a son to his mother.

Weakness

To describe the Jomanian heart is like trying to graze on a parched land.

There are no vegetation for miles; no water to speak of; and the baked earth reels under the intense heat of the sun. It longs for even the slightest of rain. The wind blows bringing superheated air that comes directly from the cloudless sky above. It burns the skin you know, it burns whatever things I stand for.

I never learn. I am still very weak with my emotions.

And when it is overwhelmed by a force, whose promises include transforming the land into a fertile oasis once again,

The Jomanian heart gets tempted.

I would have capitulated, had it been for one person whose advice I sought most.

Just as I always thought, mine was deeper than I'd care to admit. Denial, in the face of truth is irrelevant.

---

In my dream, I held hands with a guy. He was not a stranger like the ones I met before. In my sincerest desire to convey my secret feelings that can only be expressed in silence, I held his hand very tight. For a few minutes that can rival an eternity, we never let go of each other.

How'd I wish that when he held mine, his feelings was a genuine as the one that emanated from me.

---

If not for your intervening whispers, a history that happened a year ago might have been repeated.

In my dreams, I forgot to thank you for coming to my aid.

Whoever you are, this blog entry is for you.

Foreign Aid

Mayroon akong katrabaho at ang pangalan niya ay Cesario.

Sa unang tingin, malalaman mo kaagad na si Cesario ay isang sanggano. Pandak, moreno, maraming tatoo sa braso at ginagawang extension ng bahay ang trabaho sa pananamit nito. Laking kanto siya't madalas na ang isyu sa buhay ay kung sino ang huling gumago sa kanya noong isang linggo.

Noong una'y walang pumapansin masyado kay Cesario. Paano kasi'y puro problemang pamilya ang kwento niya sa amin at nasawa na rin kami sa walang katapusang on-off relationship niya sa kanyang girlfriend na dalawampung taon ang bata sa kanya.

Ngunit noong nakaraang linggo, bigla siyang naging spotlight sa opisina.

Paano kasi'y bumisita ang kasintahan niyang Amerikana.

---

Overnight, parang biglang nanalo sa lotto ang drama ni Cesario.

Noong huli ko siyang nakita, nakasando siya ng black, naka-jeans ng Dockers at tadtad ng alahas sa katawan. Ang kanyang girlfriend na puti naman ay namumula dahil sa init ng panahon noong mga araw na iyon. Mabait ang babae. Hindi lang si Cesario ang sustentado, kasama pati ang mga anak nito. Tingin ko, pati nanay at tatay ni Cesario ay naambunan rin ng grasyang dala ng kanyang Amerikanang girlfriend.

Bigla-bigla, naging ginto ang lahat ng earings ng aking katrabaho. May makapal na necklace siya na balot ng ginto. Ang kanyang bracelet ay ginto rin, at kulang na lang, magmuka siyang rapper na tadtad ng bling-bling sa katawan. Dati-rati'y naglalakad lang ito pauwi ng bahay, ngunit noong huli ko siyang nakasabayan palabas ng opisina.

Pumara ng cab si Cesario upang umuwi sa kanila.

Habang kasama ang mga katrabaho sa pagyoyosi kanina, topic nila ang biglang pag-overturn ng buhay ng aming kasama. Naroon at ramdam ko ang magkahalong inggit at pagtingala sa kanya ng karamihan. Ang iba naman ay natutuwa sa kanyang natatamong karangyaan sa buhay. Ngunit, kung may downside man ang kanyang biglang pagkakaroon ng pera, naroon ang pagbabago ng ugali ni Cesario mapa-trabaho man o kaya naman ay pakikitungo sa mga katrabaho.

"Binigyan nga ako ng M&M's na tsokolate noong dumating yung girlfriend niya eh," ang sabi ng katrabahong naming bungal na lalaki.

"Huwag ka, babawiin niya sa iyo yun sa isang linggo," hirit naman ng kasamahan namin na binatang ama.

"Kwento niya sa akin, binili daw ng sofa set ang mga anak." dagdag ng aming ka-yosi na kwarenta anyos na ina.

"Hindi ba dapat pag-aaral ng anak yung pinaghahandaan niya?" Sagot naman ng katrabaho naming isa pa.

"Balita ko inaayos ang visa papuntang States. Dun yata sila magpapakasal nung babae."

"Kaya pala pumapasok sa trabaho at nawawala ng tatlong oras pagka-time in nito."

"Dapat hindi siya masyadong umasa sa babae, paano kung bitawan siya nito?"

---

Minsan naiisip ko, ano kaya't nagkaroon rin ako ng foreign aid galing sa ibang bansa. Ano kaya ang magiging epekto nito sa buhay ko?

Magkakaroon kaya ako ng pad somewhere in Makati?

Makakapunta kaya ako't makakapagbakasyon sa iba't ibang dako ng Pilipinas at hindi lang sa Tagaytay?

Magkakaroon kaya ako ng mga materyal na bagay gaya ng SLR camera at Iphone na ni sa pangarap ay kinalimutan ko nang isipin?

Maiaahon ko kaya sa kahirapan ang pamilya ko?

Aaminin ko na minsan ay hindi ko mapigilang mainggit sa mga ganitong pagbabago ng buhay. Lahat naman tayo ay nangangailangan ng pera at nangangarap ng mas magandang buhay lalo pa't pataas ng pataas ang mga bilihin ngayon.

Ngunit kung ang karangyaang ito ang magiging kapalit ng aking kakaibang pagtingin sa mundo...

Nang aking gradual na pagtalikod sa mga materyal na bagay

At ang aking pagyakap sa Spiritualism at Environmentalism.

Tingin ko, sa kanila na ang karangyaan ng buhay.

Nang dahil sa kawalan, natuto na akong maging kuntento sa mga bagay na binigay sa akin.

Tama na siguro iyon para sa ikabubuti ng mundo.

---

On the other hand, it was reported on CNN that around 30,000 lives were feared lost in Myanmar in the aftermath of cyclone Nargis. From what I've heard in the news, relief efforts were taking too long to reach the victims.

With the rest of the world reeling from rising crude prices and the threat of a global food crisis looming over the horizon, I fear that a disaster of this magnitude in the future might go unheeded.

I do not know who's to blame or where should we start in order to solve these problems, but I feel that the more people gets hungry, the nations would see themselves on their own.