Dear Mother-of-all-Babaylans,
I'm so vekvek today alam mo ba? Since this morning, I found myself hanging out in #salsalan once again to pass the time and yes, even divert my attention away from phanks.
Paano ba naman, ever since our last jug last Sunday, I kept on thinking about him as if I want him to be so very close to me all the time. I even call him on my phone almost 3 times a day na nga eh. Obviously, phanks responded to it in a lukewarm manner. Feeling ko nga, chorva ako sa kanya while I naman is so loka about him.
The problem with me is that when I go gaga over someone, I tend to be paranoid as well. Tuloy, the whole time, I was thinking he was busy tending his garden (halaman = babae) and I was left in the corner, hoping he would notice my obvious attempt to get his attention.
To my frustration, the more I try to catch his attention, the more he ignores it. Kaya naman me is so puke-puke lately. My mom even can't have a sane conversation with me with regards to home affairs.
Ang hirap talaga when you're mad about someone no?
---
This morning, I was again using my G4M account to catch everybody's attention instead. Pero since I feel that I got very taba again, I was kinda shy to trade pic or be aggressive on other guys.
The gays naman are obviously scrambling to have a buddy or special someone for the coming holidays kaya they keep on asking my number.
Which I was willing to give them naman, kaso narealize ko na what if everything returns to normal in the next few days and what if phanks naman went gaga over me for a change and finds out that that I got a lot of new textmates overnight, edi riot ito.
So instead, I gave Roy's number in hope that my ateh would get more dates in the following weeks. However, Roy naman seems so contented with his Fubu/NFFF (New Found Fuck Friend) that he might not even notice his new text friends texting him.
Hay naman, ang gulo talaga ng buhay gay minsan.
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Anyway, this afternoon, I got to chat with this couple who was looking for a third wheel.
Ever since I had the "Tatsulok" incident several months ago, the thought of having a threesome simply thrills me.
I was doing my transactions when an angel intervened. Astig nga eh, his name is even Gabs... probably short for Gabriel.
We've been YM sisters for quite some time now. Probably he was already around after I began having a hard time catching Gerumatori online.
Gabs straight-forwardly asked me to stop doing those activities. He even asked me why I do it in the the first place.
Ako naman, walang masabing conncrete answers. I told him that I do it sometimes because there comes a time that I need to break my intense feelings for phanks. (Besides the fact that he's not providing my needs sometimes)
Pero seriously, there's no concrete reason at all. A part of me says it's for the distance. A part of me naman says it's for ego boosting.
But I guess the most convenient reason I could give is that ocassionally I am suddenly attacked by strong feelings of boredom and restlesness. Add a great deal of paranoia in it and it will surely drive me to the nearest source of diversion which is the sex chatrooms.
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Anyway, don't get me wrong naman ha. I just transgressed my own rules a couple of times pa lang naman. And there were strong reasons behind those transgressions. It so happened na when panic strikes, nobody's there to keep me to my orbit.
After all, I'm not so strong anymore. I even sensed that phank's feelings toward me has waned throughout the years.
While I made my transactions to this guy trading pictures and all, I kept a significant part of my mind to what Gabs was saying. After all, he is right and from that point, I found a good friend in him. Much like how I see my Odders barkada.
Soon, I got bored na with my chat. After all, the guy I'm talking to is kinda chaka and not really my type. Besides, I have a lot of better things to do that afternoon - mas marami namang cutie na ER sa Divisoria so eventually, I closed my MiRc window while the guy kept on asking for my number.
That was a few minutes before my shift ends so I never got the chance to return. I thank Gabs afterwards for keeping me away from trouble.
I left the building as if it was a regular, normal working day.
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O sha, hanggang dito na lang muna ha. Actually, it took me another day to finish this entry. I'm so tamad na kasi to make kwento eh. Besides I have work to do.
I'll try to make up for it next time na lang. When I'm more inspired to write things na lang again.
Until the next entry.
Lovelots!
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