Last Hurrah For March

I'm sleepy, but my mind is still awake. I can't sleep but I'm tired already. A bank manager called me this morning. She told me that EPAC paid me during my training week three years ago. Therefore, I still have my salary and the bank would like to inform me that I should withdraw it before the bank starts to debit from my money. So I went there, to withdraw my entire earnings amounting to P5K. Then I went to Megamall to pay my phonebill. Then I bought a headset for P500. On my way home, Phanks asked me if he could borrow P200. Again, he's cash strapped and since I committed myself in helping him with his school efforts, I went all the way from Ortigas to Benilde just to hand him my extra money. It took me 1 hour to reach UN Avenue from Quiapo. It turns out, there was a Bayan Muna Rally near the Supreme Court. After seeing my buddy, I went to University Mall to buy some pirated CDs. No good pick, just the same crappy club sounds that I still rip and store in my PC. What if I start digging Hiphop for a change? I'm not really happy that my House Music gets sissier through the years. Where are the hard house beats? Where are the tracks ecstasy addicts used to rave about? It's almost midnight. Miggs of Manila Gay Guy would be visiting Palawan 2 with his friends tonight. I hope they'd have fun. The summer's becoming unbearable. It makes me less horny unlike when it's cold and rainy. Expect me to have a flag ceremony all the time. I still have to write a food fiction for my final revision, and also I still have four papers that I have to revise before April 9. Tomorrow, I'd be in a wake. A tropa's dad died while working in the Middle East. Ganun pala, it's so difficult not only for the family, but for the person to die in another country. Anyway, I'd know the whole story by tomorrow. I still want to vent out so many things, but I think this is enough rant. One day of silence, yeah. The price of being quiet and solitary, yeah. Good thing, I have a blog where I could tell everything, no holds barred... almost. I could have told someone my story during the whole day. But would someone listen? I don't think so. Anyway, this is enough. If I can't sleep, then I'm gonna watch the news, or Discovery Channel, or Jack TV.

Maybe there, I might find the enlightenment that I've been looking for.

Krystala

He used to be my stress reliever whenever I get home from work late in the afternoon , only to discover the maid sleeping and unable to open the door. I would find him sleeping in one of the boxes that littered the compound, often suckling at his mother's tits.

Feeling relieved, I usually get him from his mother and carry him around. Sometimes I drop him near the dog which would often agitate him. He makes a hissing sound; his white coat expanding to make himself appear bigger; his body arching, positioning himself at a striking distance, ready to scratch the dog despite his sorry size as compared to his perpetual enemy.

When I bring him inside the house, I would often announce to everyone "bisita!!" The maid giggles at the sight of him tucked between my two hands. When my sister sees him, she usually pokes the creature's body just to annoy me. After carrying him around the house, I would gently put him down near the stove to look for bits of meat that I could give to our furry visitor.

Because he was not ours in the first place.

The routine went on for months, until lately, I realized that such cycle had already domesticated him. These past few days he would often follow me when I enter the house hoping that I have some treats ready for him. He would meow at anyone in the kitchen asking for scraps of meat or fish to satisfy his endless hunger. Nobody thought that we could tame him, knowing that he grew up without any encounters from people before. But I did. He was my pet and my mascot. He was my companion whenever I smoke a cigarette late at night, as I dreamed of things that I wanted to do in life.

However, this kitten has a habit of sleeping under the wheels of the car during the day. Many times, my mom would arrive late at her meetings because the driver would spend time looking for him under the FX. However, this morning, they all thought he slept somewhere else. Nobody knew he was under the wheels again, waiting for a fate that would abruptly end his brief existence.

The driver switched on the engine and the vehicle began to move. He was still sleeping under the wheels and in a split second, he was run over by the AUV's massive wheels. His innards splattered all over the concrete.

They tried to hide it from me, but my sister, who was upset in loosing another pet informed me of what happened. She was devastated when the old dog died, and this tragic accident broke her heart again.

And it broke my heart too, no matter how I deny it.

Because no matter how I try to be cynical about death and pretend that he is just a replaceable animal like all others that came before him.

He was my friend.

I have grown so attached to him that his lost left me mourning, as his memory begins to sink deep inside my sad, sad heart.

Eye Speak

Galing Quiapo, naisip kong sumakay ng jeep pauwi ng bahay upang makatipid sa pamasahe. Habang namimili kung ano ang sasakayan, natanaw kitang nakaupo sa harapan, malayo ang tingin at tila nag-iisip. Ngunit sa aking pagdaan, nasira ang iyong pagmumuni, sa halip ikaw ay tumingin sa akin gaya ng pasulyap na pagtingin ko sa iyo.

Hmmm... Ano to?

Sumakay ako sa likod, sapagkat ikaw ay may katabi na. Sa kabutihang palad, bakante ang espasyo sa likod mismo ng driver. Mula sa aking vantage point, madali kitang mapapagmasdan. Sa iyong kinauupuan, madali mo rin ako maaaninag, kung iyong gugustuhin.

"Ma, bayad ho," pamasaheng abot sa akin ng isang pasahero.

Sa aking pagsulyap sa iyo, ikaw ay nakatingin sa akin. Ang iyong maliit at matalas ng mga mata'y tila may nais ipahiwatig sa akin. Kaya ako'y tumingin upang ito ay basahin. Ngunit sa halip na masagap ang iyong nais sabihin, tanging ang iyong maangas at malungkot na mukha lang ang tumatak sa aking damdamin.

Text Message: Anonymous Textmate: Kamusta ka pare?

Me: Ok lang ako tol, pauwi ng bahay galing Quiapo. Hehe. (Heto nakikipagtitigan sa pasahero. trip ata ako eh. Anong gusto mong gawin ko?)

Muli kitang sinulyapan, mukhang may ka-text ka rin yata. Hindi naman siguro ikaw ang ka-textmate ko sapagkat pauwing Valenzuela itong nasa telepono ko. Kapitbahay kaya kita? May place ka kaya? Ginagamitan mo lang kaya ako ng radar ko? Trip mo ba talaga ako?

Hindi ko sigurado. Ang alam ko, natatawa ako sa larong mata nating dalawa.

Sa pagtingin ko sa malayo upang umiwas sa iyo, naalala ko si Ducat at ang hostage taking na nagaganap sa Lawton ng mga oras na iyon. Dapat siguro ay nakiusyosyo na lang ako doon sa halip na nakikipaglandian sayo. Tumingin ako sa salamin upang pagmasdan ang aking sarili. Wow, may nagkakatrip pala sa akin. Ayus to ah.

Muli ako ay sumilip sa iyo, nandun pa rin ang iyong mga mata, pilit na hinahabol ang aking pagtingin sa iyo. Hanggang ganito na lang ba tayo? Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. Kung si Paleground kaya ang nasa sitwasyon ko, paano kaya siya didiskarte? Paano kung si Macoy, makikipaglaro kaya siya gaya ko? Kung si Tripper kaya? Mag-aangas angas rin kaya siya? Hihintayin ba niyang ang target ang lumapit sa halip na siya ang gumawa ng paraan upang mapalapit sa kanya?

Ang labo, hindi ko teritoryo ang larong ito. Noong huling beses na nangyari ito, hinayaan ko lang pisilin ng target ang aking tarugo. Masarap eh. Pero mas maraming aksyon sa Mint. Sorry na lang, mas marami pang mas astig sa kanya. Yun ang sabi ko noon. Iniwan ko siyang nagtataka sa Quiapo kung bakit ako pumalag sa mga plano niya.

Ngunit iba itong binata sa harap ko eh. Kung hindi ko man siya ka-edad, maaring dalawa o tatlong taon ang bata niya sa akin. Halos kasing tangkad ko rin siya at matikas ang tindig sa tantya ko. Handa ba akong sumang-ayon sa nais niya? Nakatitig pa rin siya sa akin. Siguro kailangan ko nang makipagtitigan - tingnan kung sino ang mas matatag sa amin. Umaangas na siya, palagay ko alam ko na kung ano ang gusto niya.

Sang ayon ba ako dito? Hindi, walang masabi si Darkstar para sa akin. Masyado siyang lango para makilahok sa larong ito. Hindi ka kaya effem? Baka naman effem ka at naloko lang sa pag-aangas ko. May ka-text ka pa rin ah? Fuck buddy mo kaya? Kinukwento mo kaya ako? Tinatanong mo rin kaya kung ano ang next move mo?

Text Message: XP: Alam mong maganda ka when a super hot guy who broke your heart last year in galera, asked if you can go with him this year in bora! hahaha.

Me: Yeah! yan ang tunay na byuconera moment. Hehe (Bud, may lumalandi ata sakin, anong gagawin ko dito)

Sa tinagal tagal na rin nating naglalaro sa mata. Alam ko, nagpapakiramdaman na lang tayo. Sa totoo dude, wala akong balak kumagat. Tinatamad ako't katatapos ko lang magmaryang palad kanina. Siguro pinagtritripan mo lang ako't ako naman ang siraulong kumakagat sa iyo. Bahala na. Inaantok na ako. Mag-aahit pa ako ng bigote pag uwi ko sa bahay.

"Manong para ho..."

Sa unti unting pagbagal ng jeep, patuloy pa rin ang pagtingin ko sa iyo. Kung sa simula'y ito ay pasulyap sulyap lang at nambabasa lamang, ngayon ay palaban na ito't humahamon sa iyo. Pwede ka na kung tutuusin, hindi ko lang alam kung ano ang gagawin sa oras na makipag-trip ako sayo. Hindi ko rin tiyak kung pareho ang nais natin at hindi ko rin gamay kung totoong PLU ka ba, o nagkukunwari lang (at certified parlorista sa totoong buhay) Pero di bale na. Ilang saglit lang pababa ka na. Hindi naman ako desperado eh, mas gugustuhin ko pang umuwi ng bahay kesa sumunod sa iyo.

Huling titig, pamamaalam. Ikaw ay bumaba at hindi na sumulyap muli sa akin. Samantalang ako, heto, nagtatanong pa rin kung ano kaya ang nangyari sakaling kumagat ako sa iyo. May place ka ba? inaasahan mo bang ako ang lalapit sa iyo? Tingin mo kaya sobrang trip kita para sundan kita sa ilalim ng Legarda Flyover?

Hindi pa siguro ganun kalakas. Trip trip lang kung sakaling bumaba ako't humabol sa iyo.

Ngayong nakarating na ako sa bahay, at sinusulat ang nangyari sa atin, iniisip mo pa kaya ako? Nagtataka ka kaya kung bakit hindi ako sumabit sa mga plano mo ganung alam mong palaban na rin ako? Alam mo namang binabasa kita eh. Manhid ka na siguro kung hindi mo maramdaman ang bawat scan ko sa iyong pagkatao.

Pero alam mo dude, ngayong pawala na ang bisa ng pagtitig mo. Ngayong nanonood ako ng balita't nagsisi kung bakit hindi ako nakiusyosyo sa Lawton at gumawa ng blog tungkol kay Ducat. Ngayon ko narealize ang totoo.

Parekoy, galing mong maglaro. Nahornyhan ako sa iyo.

H and M (Reanimated Edition, Last Part)

M told us that we should go someplace else for a coffee and more talk. I suggested that we should choose a spot where there are few people so we could talk more comfortably about many topics. I also mentioned him how great it could be if T (another blogger tropa) was there with us. After all, he was connected to the three of us way before everyone else found his blog. It turned out M had his number, so I asked him if he could invite T to come. Unfortunately, T was already resting at home, tired from his badminton practice. So he just gave us his blessings and promised that he would show up when someone among us calls for another meet-up.

By this time, the awkwardness had already been replaced by familiarity that H and I were ready to go wherever M decides. Following M, we walked towards Starbucks AIM, where M treated us for coffee. Since he missed a lot of things H and I had talked about while he was at work, we started our conversation from where H and I had ended it before M arrived.

We stayed at Starbucks for another two hours. As our conversation went on, it became apparent that my PLU background was very much different from where they came from. There were many instances that I've almost compromised their discreetness when our topic dwell on my past. It's sometimes hard to share things especially about Mister Piggy's and Mint, which used to be my hang-out place when I was at H's age.

The talk went on, we've learned more from M than what he would normally reveal in his blog or our IM chats. H sought our advice about his personal dilemma while I, tried to cope up speaking to two discreet guys, which I haven't done in many years. You see, even if first impressions would immediately put me to the masculine category, I think my prolonged exposure to the PLU world had already stripped away the discreetness which H and M still has with them.

Again, time went by without us ever noticing it. If not for my urgency to go home due to an emergency, our talk would have go on until close to midnight. We parted ways at Ayala. M rode a bus going to the north, while H and I shared a taxi ride going to Manila.

---

Some years ago, I have never seen myself expanding my contacts beyond my own circle - the Outsiders. I thought before that we were already perfect, and that the PLU world outside my circle was too uncertain and pretentious for any hopes of a long-term friendship to grow among guys like me.

This past two years alone, my views on friendship had drastically changed. I have made many good friends, that sometimes, the thought of Outsides was just a mere long lost memory to me.

My meet-up with M and H yesterday, reminded me of a time when such meet-up similarly happened between me, Roy and Papu five years ago. Papu was the elder among the three of us. Roy was my big brother - not only for his experience when it comes to being PLU, he was also older than me by several years. Back then, I was just 21, still barely out of my straight life and just beginning to explore the PLU lifestyle I decided to embrace.

I remembered our first meeting. It was a late afternoon and I just came from school. Roy was my newfound friend, who I met in a PEx thread for "bisexuals," while Papu was the leading figure in another thread at Pinoyexchange for "masculine guys." As I was about to cross the street going home. Roy texted me that he would meet Papu at a cafe in Ortigas. Since Paps and I were already acquaintance at that time, I asked Roy if I could join him, in which he agreed.

To cut the story short, the three of us met, without any plan in mind except talk. That meet-up was the beginnning of a great friendship that still holds the three of us together today. It also paved the way for the creation of a PEx supergroup, which became the Outsiders a year later.

I may have found M and H in a very different situation. But honestly, when the three of us were talking at Starbucks last night, I felt disarmed and enthusiastic enough to see them beyond the personalities they often showed in their respective blogs. Before H boarded the jeep that would take him home, I told myself that this would definitely not be the last. H reminded me of many things about my younger self. Minutes later, H texted me thanking us for a great meet. He said he learned a lot from our insight.

When I conveyed H's message to M, he assured me that he will show up anytime we call for another meet-up. I told him that we saw him as a big brother, since H and I were panganays in our own family.

"This is the start of a long journey," M said, while probably chuckling at what I just told him.

"Yeah probably this is the beginning," I said to myself. "This won't be the last, I'm sure of that."

H and M (Reanimated Edition, First Part)

In Yahoo Messenger:

H: May ime-meet ako mamaya sa McDonalds. Kamukha niya si LRT guy.

Me: Talaga? Saan mo nakilala.

H: Basta biglang nagtext na lang sa akin. Nag exchange na nga kami ng pictures eh.

Me: Astig. Hehe, meet rin tayo after niyo mag-eyeball.

H: Sige ba.

---

The moment he agreed to a meet-up, I already knew that it will become a milestone.

Before, we have been exchanging IM messages for several months already. Two months ago, we decided to exchange numbers so we could communicate to each other on our mobile phones. Our trust for each other have further increased, allowing us to exchange friendster accounts without any reservations, revealing our true selves to one another. With such level of friendship, it's just a matter of time and reason before our lives cross in the real world.

And it happened yesterday. What started as an unplanned meeting between two guys had given way to a much larger gathering with a common friend, which we will call M. The three of us have known each other through blogging.

---

When I arrived at McDonald's, H was seated at a table near the washroom. He was wearing a "green dahon" t-shirt and faded blue jeans. Just like in his friendster pic, he was fair, his body, toned and he wore glasses. Since he was late for his first meeting, his "eyeball," had apparently left him, probably because of lack of communication.

I arrived at the meeting place 15 minutes after him. We did not stay long at McDo, since I told him that another friend was waiting for us at the Enterprise. The long walk from RCBC to our new location served as an ice-breaker. While walking along the tree-lined street behind Ayala, we talked about his failed eyeball and how it was doomed from the very start (his eb doesn't have a phone.) I also told him a brief history about how I stumbled at M's blog last year.

We proceeded at the foodcourt since H hasn't eaten lunch yet. While he ordered his sandwich, I texted M to inform him that we have arrived at the Enterprise. He told us to wait - just like he promised, he will excuse himself go down to see us.

---

I knew M way before H created his own trippings blog. He was known to everyone as the "naughty kid on the block," for most of his entries were about his nasty adventures with other PLU guys. Last October, I caught him online at G4M and taking this opportunity to get to know M better, I gave my face-pic without asking anything for a trade. In response to my sudden discovery of his account, he gave his face-pic as a gesture of friendship between us. From that moment on, we became regular textmates and chatmates in YM.

Since M and H were already regular chatmates too, asking M to see us was not a difficult proposal at all. After all, I've always teased him that H was his "kid brother" and they have a lot of things in common. As we were eating our late-afternoon lunch, he appeared in front of us, pormang porma with his polo barong and black slacks outfit. His tall, dark and very maangas appearance impressed us both, that H took several empty gulps first before he could finally speak to M.

Of course, there was the initial awkwardness while M talked to us. The brief pauses between topics were a sign that we needed more ice-breakers to get the conversation going, or else our friend might get tempted to return to his station. After our meal had ended, I suggested that we go down at the lobby so that M and I could smoke. Since H wasn't a yosi boy, he watched us and waited to finish our stick. The conversation went on, and it was far better than our talk at the foodcourt. However M still had work, so he excused himself and went back to his office. As for H and I, our overwhelming positive impression of M and our pleasant meeting with him became our topic when he left.

---

Our conversation went by without me and H ever noticing the time. We have covered almost all topics (after M) ranging from our call-center work, our PLU beginnings, our life when we were still straight, to our plans for the future. H revealed his plans to marry someday, while I contentedly told him that I plan to become a bachelor for life. He told me that he plans to have a career change in the near future due to burnout, while I told him that I'm not seeing myself in another company because I have found my happiness working in my present job.

In between topic shifts, M and I were still texting. I told him that we were so amazed to see him, that it prevented us from leaving the spot where he left us. Impressed by our resolve to continue chatting, thus prolonging our eyeball in the process, he told us to wait for him. He would return after his work had finished.

At around 6:30, we saw M coming down from the stairs.

---

-tobecontinued-

Epol's Bilibid Or Nut

Bukaka Queen

Believe me, the dog ain't playing dead. It just so happened that old habits never die because when she was just a puppy, we would force her to lie on her back so that we could scratch her tummy until it bores us to death.

Now that she's grown older, the bitch still believes that the best way to catch our attention is to lie on her back, spread her legs and expose her underbelly hoping it would be rubbed again by her amused masters.

Her eagerness to lie in this position would sometimes worry us. You know why? Because there were times, the dog would just follow us up to the main street, then when we start apprehending her for following us, she would lie on her back at the middle of the road. Occasionally, we would carry her back to the house, or, if mood won't permit such patience, we would simply drag her at the side of the road by pulling her legs along the route.

---

The Natives' Rice

"(conyo voice) Ewww ano yan yaya?" Was my first reaction the moment the househelp opened the rice cooker's cover to scoop some rice for my plate.

"Yan yun native na sinasabi ng mama mo sa iyo. Mahal yan kala mo ba... pang (Southbit err..) beach diet pa nga yan eh." as she explains to me, while putting scary amounts of rice on my plate.

Good thing, such variety isn't new to me at all. Back during the early days of my food writing class, we've discussed some rice varieties and the surrounding folklore and history behind them. This variety is called "Black Rice." It smells like a freshly harvested palay with a nutty, crunchy aftertaste. Since it was my first time to actually see and eat such rice in my whole life, my natural course of action was to have a certain degree of reservation in eating it. Thoughts such as "What if the rice would trigger a rebellion in my tummy?" or "What if this is really the rice of the encantos, would I be cursed forever and live in forlorn for eating it?"

Indeed, the variety is good for diet because for the first time in several months, I significantly lessened my rice consumption. Unfortunately, the black rice is only good for dinner (or probably until breakfast.) Konti lang daw siya so by tomorrow, we're back to the regular, NFA rice again.

---

P-Man's Remembrance

Here's a good example of how deep, focused thinking could break things apart.

During the great "hang-over" of P-Man, I've spent around five days thinking about the consequences of our mutual action. One time, this sudden surge of deep thought hit me while I was brushing my teeth before going to school.

As I sorted things out in my mind - separating the possibilities from the delusions, the toothbrush handle suddenly snapped in half. Maybe, as I was approaching the peak of my thought-trance, my grip became so forceful that it broke the object I am holding.

I could have replaced the toothbrush immediately. But knowing how stingy I am when it comes to personal hygiene, I'm sure that it would take several more months before this toothbrush could be replaced. Since we're talking about remembrance, I'd probably keep this thing as a souvenir. Hopefully this memento would always remind me that once upon a time, P-man was my firewall.

The Purple Conspiracy

Kaninang umaga, nagkaroon ng informal gathering (yosi break) ang mga ladlad (mga out na gay at lesbian) sa opisina. Ang topic: Kung bading ba yung bagong pasok na agent na laging nagsosolo sa pantry tuwing meal breaks.

Backgrounder: Hetong bagong pasok na operator eh ilang linggo nang itinip sa akin ng ka-trabaho kong effem. Palibhasa ito kasing si effem kasi ay may unusual gift na "makaamoy" ng mga hindi ma-detect ng radar ko. Siya rin ang nagbulong sa akin na merong kakaibang vibes si P-man bago pa siya umamin sa akin minsan isang hatinggabi. Simula noon, sa tuwing nagbibigay ng tip itong si effem na tatawagin na lang natin sa pangalang "Tigerlily," medyo inobserbahan ko ang kanyang mga readings, at ang bago nga niyang nadedetect ay itong si kapapasok na agent.

Personal Assessment: Ang faded pants na may patches, bading na bading. Ang friendster kung saan may blonde na highlights ang buhok niya, (kahit sobrang itim ng kulay ng balat niya) bading na bading lalo. Kumakanta sa choir, isang sign na naman ng kabadingan. Iba makatingin (dahil nang-aamoy ng kapwa PLU), ang basa ng mga mata, nakakabading rin. Findings: PLU, 80%. Kinonfirm ko pa ito gamit ang radar ng isang closet kong katrabaho. Pero shempre, hinayaan ko na yung mga effem ang magkalat ng balita. Tutal sila naman ang may-access sa lahat ng tsismis kaya bahala na silang magpyesta kung ano man ang bagong balita sa buong floor.

Habang pabalik sa elevator, biglang nasabi nitong si Tigerlily na, "naku bakla, (kausap yung isa pang dakilang effem sa office na kasama namin) matutuwa si Mami (Athena) nito kapag nalaman niyang may bagong kapanalig sa shift. Tingnan mo didikit na lang itong (si bagong agent) ke mami balang araw."

Effem 2: "Honga eh, bakit ba ang mga bading dumarami, hindi naman nanganganak? Lahat ata ng napapadikit kay Mami eh nagtratransform bigla. Note: Babaeng totoo si Mami Athena, may asawa at limang anak.

Tigerlily: "Kaya hindi ako nagtataka na itong si P-man eh bading rin eh, laging nakadikit kay Mami." (Me: "Nuninuninu, wala akong naririnig.")

Effem 2: "Naman!"

Tigerlily: "Diba ine-msn mo nga ako minsan bigla, sabi mo hawak mo yung noches* (etits) ni P-man, chika mo pa eh chubby." (Me: "ZOMG Am hearin chi'neez!!")

Effem 2: "Oi! Wala akong sinabi sayong ganyan ha!"

Tigerlily: "Tinawag mo pa akong sinungaling ha, bakla ka talaga!" (sabay baling kay lesbyana para gatungan ang issue.)

Sa buong pag-uusap nila habang paakyat ang elevator, nasa gilid lang ako, deadma at parang walang naririnig. Natahimik ako bigla, naalala ko kasi ang rule of secrecy na laging inaapply ng mga PLU (straight-acting) sa ganitong sitwasyon. Isa pa, medyo sensitive ang usapan kaya kunwari, wala akong pakielam.

Sa dalawampung lalaki sa office, anim ang hindi straight. Sa anim na yun, dalawa ang parlorista, dalawa ang nasa closet - at tinatago ko sa mga effem para maiwasan pagtsismisan, isa ang pinaghihinalaan (si bagong pasok na agent) at meron pang mga possibleng ma-convert, (lalo na kung pagbabatayan mo kung gaano sila ka-touchy pag nalalasing.) Siyempre, ako yung odd one out. Kasi, ako lang ang may contact sa mga effem at masculine sa opisina. Isipin mo na lang na parang nasa gitna ako, habang connected sa akin ang lahat ng hindi straight sa office, mapa- tomboy man o bading.

Balik kay P-man, siguro, dala na rin ng hiya, (dahil nga me nangyaring hindi kanais-nais noon sa aming dalawa.) na siyang nagbabalik sa mga ala-ala, biglang natameme ako sa kanilang usapan. Sa loob-loob ko. "Sana naging straight na lang si P-man, o kaya'y nag-out ng hindi kami parehong lasing. Siguro, mas effective ko siyang napapagtanggol sa mga usapan. Hindi tulad ng ganito, isang bahagi, guilty ako. Ang ikalawang bahagi naman ay nagkukunwaring parang walang nagbago sa amin.

Samantalang ang natatagong munting bahagi naman, na lagi ko pa ring dinedeny hanggang ngayon, na sa tuwing nakakaalala ay isa lang ang sinasabi:

"namimiss ko pa rin ang lahat ng matatamis na nangyari..."

---

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

And it breaks my heart

- Regina Spektor, Fidelity

Once There Was An Expedition - The Great Setback

The fires will still burn, even if what remains are embers in the campfire.

The semester went so fast, I didn't notice it was over so soon. Indeed, Masterals is no easy challenge. the subjects alone tells me that I'm not as good as I once thought I am. The shortcomings are all evident, no matter how I try my best to prove that they are all wrong. There were praises, in fairness, yet criticisms are like daggers stabbing an onion-skinned heart. It was painful, humiliating and sometimes even demeaning. I am not used to criticism because I make sure that before it happens, I have braced myself for any shortcomings. However, in the courtyard of the gods, there will always be a hole in which they could throw their weight around you. And they did, for the last six months I have been in their audience.

Nevertheless, when there is an infliction of pain, there will always be a reason to get up and face the challenge. Honestly, if I am not so strong enough to face such magnifying of errors, I could have backed off and leave immediately. After all, I am not really looking forward to finishing this little project. However, a project is a project, and no matter how difficult or dehumanizing it could be, there is a job to finish in the end.

I accept that I am just a mere underdog. A wimp, who could not even stand up for myself or question the works of others - a newbie never speaks in front of his masters. Soon, when I have armed myself with the skills to match their prowess, when I had proven myself to be worthy of their recognition, then I will speak up and point out my thoughts. It would take a while and it would take some painful evolutions, but if I keep on facing them, facing the wind that could anytime make me tumble, then there is hope.

It may have been a bad half-year, but in all honesty, there are lessons learned; lessons that I am beginning to apply, here in this blog. Comments such as wrong choice of words, tenses na nakaka-tense, limited vocabulary skills, need to flesh out the characters - these observations will soon pass, I am sure of that.

In the end, no matter how some tortures have put me down, there are reasons to go on. The individual judgments maybe disheartening, but the writing itself - the research, the field expeditions, the experience gained from such expeditions is something to look forward to. Never in my work-life have I exerted so much effort to get out of my life-cycle in order to write things, that make an object or subject almost immortal. And that's the wonder of writing - immortality.

So I will crawl back into my hole, look back to where I could improve my craft. Silently, discreetly master it until one day, one fine semester, I will be back and show them how far I have improved. It will be hard, but so long as the fires of writing keeps burning within me.

There is no reason to quit.

There's Something Good Cooking At Delicious (Last Part)

After 10 minutes, my order has arrived. The syrupy Beef Maki was served first in a regular sized bowl. The breaded beef chunks and long pork strips form like submerged islands that resurface every time the bowl is stirred. The thin garlic strips provide a neutral flavor to the sweet succulent taste of the dish. Madame Tan later said that Beef Maki is a favorite companion to another favorite – the Ma-Chang - a steamed pork porridge dish dashed with dried mushrooms and wrapped in Taro Leaves.

Immediately after the Maki has been served, the Miki Bihon Guisado soon arrives, still steaming and sweating of vegetable oil from its oblong-shaped platter. This dish, which is a rich menagerie of ingredients that include thin Bihon Noodles, large Pansit Miki, generous amount of beef strips, sliced squid, pork siomai and another dimsung called chopsai forms the base of my heavy meal. A single spoonful of this dish and you know, the mix of sweet and salty flavors would leave a lasting imprint on your tongue; making you craving for more the next time you return. It took me less than 15 minutes to eat everything on my plate, but its heaviness on one’s satisfied tummy is still felt during breakfast, a day later.

Madame Tan says all ingredients – from pork kekiam to shrimp dumplings and other dimsum toppings are prepared in-house. She claims that no supplier could duplicate Tan Aiao’s secret recipe exactly the way he prepared it, that they took some effort to make the ingredients themselves.. Their army of loyal suppliers dating back to the time of Aiao, has remained the same. This ensures the quality of meat, seafood and vegetable ingredients delivered to them every day.

In a time where many authentic Chinese restaurants have either closed down or evolved to adapt to the changing tastes of their customers, Delicious kept the old, authentic Chinese fast-food charm they have been known for generations. Their loyalty to the original recipe and servings, while keeping their prices well within the capacity of an average salary worker has earned them the respect and admiration, not only from their growing clientele of Filipinos eager to have a taste of an original Chinese cuisine but also from the old Chinese clique that still runs the rest of Chinatown, who enjoys the old nostalgic feeling of being in a place that witnessed how their own business empires grow and prosper in this part of the city.

My personal journey towards finding this place has been long and memorable. It began many years ago, when my father still lives. Sometimes, late at night, he would come home unexpectedly, bringing a big plastic bag of pancit with him as pasalubong. The whiff of heavy oil and steamed noodles, the sweet-salty texture and strong flavorful aroma of the large sliced dimsum and meat strips that usually overwhelms the noodles, and the distinct, soft taste of the bright-orange shrimp and purple-black slices of squid makes us look forward to this unusual midnight treat.

Years passed, I found a job to support myself. My taste has diversified and still, this lingering memory of unexpected midnight treats still hold a special place in my heart. Overturning the alleys of Ongpin and deep into the heartland of Chinatown, finally one afternoon, an unsuspecting bystander pointed me to the place, which turn out to be within the peripheries of Avenida. Gathering all my thoughts and sweet memories of that mysterious, captivating pancit that my father brought us, I ordered a noodle dish trusting my instinct alone. One taste, one bite and then the memories surged again like a dammed river bursting from years of longing. And the memories now keep coming back, whenever I am into soul-searching, for I know, Delicious is not just a mere restaurant to me. Like all others who come and go to this place,

I know, this is home.

End Of Dry Season

He came and slept over as promised.
For some reasons too, he was more willing
and more game last night than the previous
nights he's been in my place in the past two weeks.
Call me utak-sex and all, but when we did it,
it seems like all the resentments and bitterness
I kept for the past week have all disappeared.

No words spoken, no explanations whatsoever.
Just pure bliss everytime he... yeah.

If this is what you call sexual healing
then I'm proud to say, I'm cured.

There's Something Good Cooking At Delicious (First Part)

Note: After spending the entire day writing this essay for school (at the expense of not going to work), I think this deserves a blog entry of its own.

---

The late afternoon sun blazes across the enigmatic blue sky over the heart of Santa Cruz, where a few steps away from the busy street of Ongpin stands an old unchanged restaurant unaware of how the modern times changed everything around it. Across the street, at the corner of a busy intersection, only its white-washed walls, a faded old Chinese signage at its side and a huge tasteless billboard advertising a nearby motel are the only landmarks that reveal this place to first time customers. Often hidden in a trail of passing jeepneys and occasional pedicab bikes – which turn the restaurant’s door-less entrance into a terminal, only the sweet faint aroma of a vegetable oil-laden noodles being stir-fried in its exposed underbelly would remind the visitors that Delicious is indeed a genuine Chinese restaurant.

Settling down on the table, the first thing a guest will notice are the glazed red brick walls that seem to be coated with oil. The heavy familiar aroma coming from the open kitchen hung like a thick curtain of smoke, leaving the customers more eager to sample their main dishes. The mood, which reminds me of the restaurants of my childhood, creates a nostalgic feeling as I waited for the waitress to hand the menu. The tables are all worn out, creaky at best; the leatherette seat cover of my aluminum chair have turned dirty white revealing their age; and heavy dust have accumulated outside the steel window grills that a slight breeze may blow away particles to the food I am eating.

However, despite these impressions, one would never fail to notice the huge number of customers who come to this place. One table alone holds a group of colleagues; bottles of beer and a ubiquitous serving of pork, fish and noodles overflow on their table. Opposite them is a stoic elder Chinese reading a mandarin-based newspaper while sipping a cup of tea. Beside me is a couple in their late thirties doing a public display of affection, while enjoying a serving of Siopao and Siomai on their table.

As I observe the customers around me, a waitress wearing a cerise blouse and black trousers came to hand over the menu. This waitress seems to be in a hurry, she keeps on looking at the old Chinese lady manning the cashier’s booth. Being on a tight budget, I asked her their in-house favorites. She suggested that I should try Miki Bihon Guisado or Beef Maki for starters. I ordered them both for they were well within my budget (the miki bihon cost P90, while the beef maki cost P60) after which, she then leaves without clarifying my orders.

Delicious’ long history began nearly 50 years ago, two blocks away from where the present restaurant is standing. According to Zenaida Tan, the present manager of the restaurant, the business is started by her husband’s father as a small eatery along Alonzo Street in Chinatown. People fondly call her father-in-law Tan Aiao, a friendly Chinese immigrant who personally invites onlookers to dine in his restaurant. “Siya pa nga mismo yung nagluluto at nagse-serve sa mga customers niya na mostly Chinese rin.” Says Tan who also told me that the restaurant was named Delicious because of Tan Aiao’s signature enticement to passerbys, “kain ka dito, delicious dito.”

The restaurant gradually expanded over the decades amidst the general Chinese biases against a restaurant business. Many looked down to restaurant owners like Tan Aiao, who continues to struggle to keep the business running despite its high demand of personal time and little profit he gets from it. “Imagine si Tan Aiao gigising ng 5 am everyday para mamalengke then magclo-close shop ng midnight.” Tan Aiao’s children never followed his footstep and opted to start a less demanding enterprise instead.

By mid 70’s Tan Aiao had already passed away. His children, who are successful businessmen themselves are already entertaining the thoughts of selling Delicious’ rights to interested parties. However, Tan’s husband took a second look at his father’s ailing business and decided to run it himself despite receiving no support from his brothers. The customers keep on coming, which are now mostly Filipino employees from Escolta and Santa Cruz. Gradually, the restaurant rebounded and they moved to their present location during the early 80’s.

---

-tobecontinued-

Sexy-Time

Initiating anti-libido protocol: workstation sequence override

1. Pause activity. breathe deep. think of nasty thoughts.

2. Do a kambyo... make sure to wash hands after.

3. If kambyo will not work, one needs a little gentle squeezing. make sure to wash hands after.

4. If squeezing doesn't work. Go to g4m. Harass the guys posting in the sex forums. Make sure to exude an image of a nasty hornydog.

5. Wait for a private message. Harass the guy who dares to send you a privy at this very tense moment. If possible, convince the prey to go online so you can harass him freely on IM.

6. If such possibility is not available, request the team leader to allow you to log on to the adult chat account. Vent frustrations at work.

7. If such option is not available. Pursue G4M harassment method. SONNET* optional. Manual and deliberate stroking strictly prohibited.

8. When critical threshold is imminent, log off from IM. Take a yosi break. Take a leak.

--

Ang buhay tigang... lahat pagtritripan.

*sonnet - sex on chat/net

An Orange Little Dot

now that everything's getting really really fucked up,
and I have no one to run to and tell all my heartaches
and frustrations, where do I hide for cover? how can
I still pretend that everything's just fine? that this is
just a fuckin' phrase? . no matter how I wish someone
would just give me a little push, a little tug just to get
me back on the ground, in the end, its between me and
my rage. I'm really itching to punch someone
right now, but really, it wont give me any peace. It seems
that its elusiveness will linger on, until one of us would
just quit call it quits.

After XP

We left Malate at around midnight since he needs to report to work at 2 am. Still being bitin from my surprise night out, I asked him if I could hitch a ride going to Aurora since I'm itching to return to Palawan 2 again. Buti na lang eh ok lang sa kanya, so we continued our conversation, up until I got off the cab at Yale Street in Cubao.

Palawan 2 was extremely boring last night. There were few people; there were more drags dancing and kids were getting a little rowdy while dancing to the lousy hip-hop music being played by the DJ. The PLUs where nowhere to be found. Probably they went all to Government last night, since any G4M member could get in for free. Disoriented and tipsy from the Vodkas and beers that I've drunk, I immediately walked out of Palawan to ride a jeep in Aurora going to Tomas Morato, hoping to find a better place to hang-out within the area.

The strip from E. Rodriguez to Kamuning was dark and empty. There were several standbys who looked at me as I walked from Erod while texting my mother about the time I will go home. Seriously, I'm out of real places to hang out. It is already past 2 am and the chances of getting to a good rauchy dance club is becoming slimmer by the minute.

Then I remembered that my sister begged me to buy her a Vanilla Frap at Starbucks before I left home. At first, I was really hesitant to take her endless begging seriously since she'd satisfy her cravings at the expense of my mom's money. I just felt a tinge of unfairness there since I'm the one who's earning big, but still, I could not spend a hundred bucks for a frigging frappuchino.

Nevertheless, I went to Starbucks to buy her frap. It was pretty expensive, but thats the reward she gets for doing her school papers and staying at home (instead of going out with her Tibak friends and plotting their next move to attack Mendiola).

I left the coffee shop the moment the barrista called my name to get my order. The trip from Tomas Morato to Sampaloc was uneventful - except for the brief stopover at Kowloon House to grab some big Siopaos for pasalubong.

When I got back inside the cab, I told the driver, "pasalubong po para sa pamilya ko," to diffuse his curiosity as to why I'm carrying a lot of plastic bags in my hands. Probably he thought that I have a wife and kids from the looks on his face.

Looking at how the soloflight night-out turns out, I guess it wasn't as tragic as I initially feared. Truth is, if things really fucks-up last night, I wont think twice of getting a hook-up, if such opportunity would come. But I guess the guy up there has some other plans and he made sure I will stick on to it no matter what my body wants to have.

Shortly before arriving home, I had this quiet realization while inside the cab. For the past two weeks, I've been so consumed by my personal issues - with Phanks and P-man; with my sister and her underground group; and with my mom, and her plans of putting my sister to look after the Sikyu business, effectively getting the extra perks I receive from them, that I have completely forgotten the secret to a happy life.

I rarely go home bringing pasalubong to my family. But last night, for some reasons, the spirit of generosity simply took over me. In a brief but blissful moment before going to sleep, I saw how happy my mom and my sister were to my unexpected surprise.

Indeed in giving happiness to someone else, a part of their happiness reflects back to you.

XP

nu ka ba! a diva sparkles, gagah! a diva glows! a diva is a diva, ke sad o hindi!

a diva is never a depressed butiki na naipit sa bisagra!
pasalamat ka ala ka hair ngaun kundi sabunutan pa kita. enuf with that kasentihan...
go out and party!

- Mami Athena, a comment on Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack

---

"Bud, I have two glasses of cocktail here," says XP, who went to the bar to get us something to drink. "They're both Vodka Sprite. This is for you, and the one in my hand is for you too, since I'm not drinking tonight."

"Cool, so now I'm not just a gate crasher but a freeloader too!" I told him as the neon green spotlight darts my body at the middle of BED's dance floor.

Last night, my plan was go to Government after they sent me a last-minute invitation through text for their monthly event for "kids." Since this is a free-entrance event, I wouldn't have any problems partying within my set budget. However, something came up last night that lead to a change of plans. XP, my best friend told me that he could not sleep so he would just attend a friend's party at BED instead.

---

I arrived considerably earlier than him. At the Orosa Courtyard, a handful of gay foreigners were dating their local boyfriends, outdoor style. Looking around, I saw a tall caucasian sitting on his little brown date's lap on one table, while posted in the wall high above BED's exterior were these huge pictures of the men who'd be competing for the Mr Gay Philippines Pageant this month.

These images made me cringe a little bit about the lifestyle I'm living. First, I think big old Caucasian foreigners dating exotic Filipino men are a little off-tune. It's like seeing a Redneck American walking at Robinson's Malate with his yaya-looking wife. You sometimes really wonder if such dates are serious, or it's just an excuse for the Pinoys to enjoy some perks, they would never taste on their own.

Second, I saw this news clip of Mr. Gay Philippines' candidates on TV Patrol last week. The candidates claim they represent gay masculinity. However, just one glance and you can smell from a far distance (pardon the word) how effeminate most of these guys are. Plus, their faces are everywhere. Di naman sila gwapo ah! I can vouch that I've seen better-looking PLUs. And mind you, these hunkies would rather be killed first before they join such kind of pageant.

---

XP arrived thirty minutes after I came. He's sporting a brown tight shirt and faded jeans exposing his fit body. It's not really the official Malate outfit - for every screaming gays that I saw were sporting this extra hair at their back. But last night, almost all the cute guys I've seen in BED were wearing XP's get-up. Is there a connection? I don't think so. But the sight of them at the bar was truly refreshing. Seeing these fair-looking buff guys allowed me to forget the personal shits I'm into lately.

BED was at its full capacity since the second floor is closed, Many friends and acquaintances of the celebrants came to celebrate their respective parties. Mcvie the blogger celebrated his birthday there. Being a close friend of XP, he was invited to Mcvie's party. Since I'm acquainted naman with the celebrant, I kinda joined him in his bash, even if I look like a lost gatecrasher.

"Alam mo bud, I think I'm gonna detach myself from groups muna?"

"Why naman?" he asked.

"Kasi I look at it this way. I'm a natural loner. Big groups turn me to a wallflower. Small, one-on-one meet-ups like this one makes me talk and bond with the person I'm seeing. So I guess this is better."

"Yeah, I agree with you. Mas ok nga yung ganito. No hassles." XP said looking amazed at the slideshow of g4m members on BED's huge viewscreen.

"So I think I'd limit my group presence this year. You know me, we could meet once in a while and still appear that we have just seen each other yesterday."

Our conversation about friendship was interrupted when he pointed this LJ (Live Journal) guy who writes his sexcapades in his journal. According to XP, this guy is a notorious social climber. Once, XP tried befriending him since his new circle will connect him to this guy's own circle of friends. Unfortunately, he was turned down for no reason at all. Now that XP's becoming the more popular guy, this LJ writer started writing about being a victim of a certain "conspiracy." within his LJ group.

"Bud kapal naman magkwento ng sexcapades niyan. Uhm dont you think he's quite old and too porky and nerdy-looking to brag about his bed kills?" I asked him while guzzling my san mig light, my eyes turning at every direction looking for cute yuppies around us.

"Exactly, besides, talagang blacklisted sakin yan for snubbing me during my most down moment. Badtrip talaga."

"The nerve dude, I think I'm gonna puke. Have you ever thought he's just making up his stories? Kung ganun, baka naman talagang hopeless case na siya."

"That's what the others say. Pero yaan mo na, what matters is that I'm happy with my life." XP told me.

One Night In Limbo

I will be going out tonight.
not because I want to, but I'm forced to.
Sister is typing her report. She demands
complete silence.
I on the other hand, could content myself
curling up in bed and watching Nat Geo before going
to sleep. But such luxury is not possible since my
TV will distract the silence she wants.

So, this will be a premature adventure.

The problem really
is not the solitary gimmick.
Unarmed with self confidence
and direction of destination,
my biggest worry is where
I would go.

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Four)

Pulsar: (Interviewer) Let's take a break and get mababaw for a change.

So how's your life Joms?

Joms: Well, I have a flu. My nose has been runny for the past three days now. I thought I'm gonna collapse yesterday at work because of my very weak condition.

Pulsar: Have you ever thought of requesting to go on a half day?

Joms: Yeah, but it's already noon when I realized that my body could not take it anymore. Besides, I'm looking forward to having that long blissful stroll with P-man going to the jeepney stop.

Pulsar: I see, you should take care of your health too. So how's you and him lately?

Joms: We're friends.

Pulsar: Are you really sure? A trusted source told us that you've been waiting for his text message at night. Is this true?

Joms: No. Next question please.

Pulsar: Ok then, so what keeps you busy lately.

Joms: Uhm, school, tons of write-ups that needs revision; sleep. I need lots and lots of it; and lastly I'm hooked-up to Sims 2: Seasons.

Pulsar: That's great. So tell us about this new game that keeps you busy after work?

Joms: It's a simulation game where a player like me could manage the affairs of a simulated person which is the Sim. You can arrange his home, buy him expensive furniture, let your Sim have relationships (even with the same gender), help him work his way up the career ladder, even build him a family. Basically his life depends on you. What's exciting about this new sequel is that weather has been added to the game.

Pulsar: That's interesting. Sounds like when you play it, you don't need to go out and hang out with friends anymore?

Joms: That's the downside Pulsar. In fact, I'm so dependent on my computer, socializing and going outside has become the least of my priorities.

Pulsar: Isn't that scary? I mean, don't you feel lonely sometimes?

Joms: The previous entries will give you an idea about what's on my mind lately.

Pulsar: Well I hope that things would get better on your side.

Joms: Thanks, do you have some other questions?

Pulsar: Can we talk about your lovelife?

Joms: Pass...

Darkstar: How about sexlife?

Joms: Who the hell is that?

Pulsar: Sorry, I think that guy's just a bystander.

Joms: Pass again.

Pulsar: Well, I guess this would be the end of our interview. Can you share to us some of your plans in the coming weeks?

Joms: First, I would like to return to the gym. That's my priority. However, it seems like I still have to wait for a month before Eclipse opens their branch in Shaw. Another priority is a major upgrade of my personal computer. Unfortunately, I don't have enough money to take such undertaking. Lastly, I'm thinking of enrolling to an English class this summer. It worries me that the first thing the panel notices whenever my essay is being work shopped is my grammar. If I am serious in finishing this masters' project, I have to work hard to improve my standing in that department.

Pulsar: Thanks for your time Joms. Isn't it so nice that we could talk about these things between serious entries? We look forward to having another filler post like this one in the future. We wish for your immediate recovery.

Joms: Thanks and you're welcome. Until then mister interviewer.

Looney Toons

Gaano ba kahalaga ang sex sa isang relationship?
Sa akin, it's a matter of great importance.

Hindi naman ako manyak, pero ewan ko ba,
sex assures me na talagang mahal ako ng isang tao.
Kumbaga, kapag pinagbigyan ka niya sa bagay na yun
ibig sabihin, buo ang loob niya sayo't wala siyang tinatago.

Kaya nga ever since, hindi ako dumaan sa courting stage
sa man to man eh. Masyadong maraming oras na masasayang,

hindi rin naman assured na may puwang ka sa puso niya diba?

Ngunit paano kaya kung ang partner mo ang siyang
maraming dahilan at reklamo bago niyo gawin ang kaisa-isang
bagay na magaasure ng patuloy niyong bonding?

Hindi kaya may problema? Hindi kaya maaring siya
ay may panghihinayang na rin sa aming relasyon?

Buti na lang at medyo nakakalas na ako sa attraction ko kay P-man.
Kung hindi, higit na mas malaking kumplikasyon ang haharapin ko nito.




Just thinking out loud...

... but on further reflection, I think our personal issues are way bigger, bigger than I would care to admit.

Dynasties (Last Part)

Because in every clan, there are families that belong to the dominant order, and there are those that are merely subservient ones.

I consider ours belonging to the subservient ones. Even if we do have the power to rise up against the order, our gratitude towards the dominant and our vital position in the chain of influence would prevent us from doing so.

- The Jomanian Doctrine: Politics of Families

---

Last friday, I had a merienda date with my aunt at Pancake House in CCP. That same day, the elections in my sister's university was ongoing and the tension between families were already at its height. My mom, who bought my argument that we should never confront her sister sent pleading text messages to my cousin instead in order to diffuse the tension. Mom told her that she should not take things personally. After all, its just campus politics. She should always bear in mind that my sister is her blood relative. Blood will be always thicker than water.

Same thing is true with me. Taking advantage of my closeness to my aunt, I went all the way to treat her at Pancake House, at my expense to assure her that as a family, we will never take sides. Our desire is for the preservation of the family and like her, we hope that the conflict will end after the elections. It turns out she shares my sentiments.

---

A week before their elections, my sister expressed her sentiments to my mom about my treatment of her. She said that she gets hurt everytime I blurt to her that she's just a hopeless freeloader at home. She also can't understand why she could not get any support from us, when we're the only ones she could really rely on.

I understand my mother's concern about our conflict. In fact, despite her personal disapproval at how she waste the last of her academic years engaging in such fruitless activites, my mom chose to take her side instead of mine. Her reason was I'm too harsh and unforgiving about my demands and that I'm alienating her at home. The stress and pressure from running a university-wide campaign has already taken a toll on her mind and being, and that an added pressure from me might lead to her breakdown.

So she begged me to keep my sentiments to myself, for the sake of maintaining the peace at home.

That same week, she would often go home past midnight with her core group only to continue their meeting and planning at home. Such lessened contact prevents us from clashing. However the large number of people we have to support is eating a portion of our resources. This could become a point of contention between us siblings. What made me stop raising this issue is the fact that Punks also uses our resources everytime he sleeps over at home. She could always counter my complains with that argument.

---

As my mother recollects my sister's involvement in our frequent mother-son consultations, I've realized that things are not doing well for my sister. There's a hint that her authority was being challenged by a faction who's not impressed with her leadership. At the same time, countless inter-party complains pushes them to the brink of disqualification.

One evening, as the family waits for her arrival, I decided to check on her files on my computer just to check on her performance. It turns out that as a new political alliance, her leadership was untested. In fact, her choice of a standard bearer had already spelled defeat for her entire line-up.

If only I knew their situation way ahead, I might be able to give her an advice or two about running a machinery. After all, I was a secretary general during my time.

As my aunt puts pressure on us to convince my sister to resign her post, I begin to understand how difficult it is for my sister to hold everything together especially with her lack of experience. Sometimes, she would just cry to my mom out of sheer frustration and exhaustion from doing a thankless job. On many times, she would ferociously defend her party about my aunt's accusation of being a dirty player in their election campaign.

These things, for a time made me think about my stand. The issues of pride and ego begins to surface as my aunt tries to put my sister down and demand her immediate resignation from her party. I felt that Im being pitted against my own sister for the sake of satisfying a cousin's desire for dominance. However, my concern about the future and the preservation of the family also puts me in a position where I have to compromise my sister's right to choose her happiness over our long term survival. Losing my aunt's favor would mean that we have to swallow our pride the moment we have run to her for assistance.

Therefore we had to make a choice.

My aunt demanded for my sister's resignation a couple of times shortly before their campus elections. By then we knew that it's already too late for my sister to back down from her top position. Doing so would simple leave her shattered for the rest of her life. I suggested that she could transfer some of her responsibilities to a junior student, while running things from behind. However, it seems like my sibling doesn't understand the concept of succession in power so she never listened my advice.

Her stubborness and willingness to break relationships with people who cross her reminds me of a story back in my college years. Back then, I have a friend who belongs to a rival party. We've known each other for years, we're even classmates during the last two years of our college life. However, our party affiliations simply prevented us from getting close. We could not even engage in a small talk out of fear of being accussed of submitting to the other. She's been known as a strong-willed woman. For a time, I even thought she'd take over my position as the class president after she was nominated in that position during a class election.

Our relationship went on from being warm to being cold. It was the only time in my life I showed extreme display of distrust while still appearing cordial and accomodating to a person. Days before graduation, we had an unobstructed conversation summarizing our four years in college. Then and there she blurted to me, "kung hindi lang dahil sa partido, naging sobrang close siguro tayo."

We waited four years just to open up to each other only to part ways days later.

---

During the canvassing, my sister kept on texting us to pray for them. Apparently, they are on the brink of losing the entire council and that their rival is already gaining the upper hand.

I remembered what my aunt told me that afternoon about the only sad outcome my sister would get after the council elections had ended. It turns out that the reason why my cousin is furious at my sister's polical maneuvering is because among all her cousins, she considers closest to my sister. Now that their familial bond is broken, she feels that her connection with the bloodline is over.

That same day, in one burst of heated argument, I also told my sister how her arrogance will cost her dearly. First, I pointed out to her the value of gratitude above all things. It's a fact that the reason why she got admitted to that university is because of my aunt's connections. It would be her greatest humiliation to see someone she worked to be admitted go to waste. Second, even if we never solicited direct favors from my aunt, she had rendered us assistance during our most difficult moments. Her assistance when dad was in his deathbed will forever remain in my memory. Lastly, because my sister chose politics over academics, I have to brace to the reality that I may have to work for the next six months while she enjoys the comforts of remaining a student.

Before Friday ended, her karma has been served:

For all the efforts and sacrifices she had rendered just to push her party to victory - they lost all the major seats in the council to their rivals.

Now that everything is over, she had to pick up the pieces and pay the price for not heeding our warning.

Lone Wolf Searching For His Pack (P-Man Hollow Remix)

If the heart is poisoned
and the mind is dreaming.
how would you deal with raw
emotions that are still burning?

- Pulsar to myself

---

Perhaps there is a reason why they never told me.
Maybe, there is a conspiracy behind everything
that I have learned so far.

Yet, you know what,
for the first time I think I
may get my enslaved heart back.
I think I have already paid for my
attachments and
that I can finally move on.

Hopefully, yeah...

So in my sleep
I will dream of invading Malate
or probably place my bed at the center
of Government's fabulous dance floor.
I might return to Palawan 2
to fulfill a promise I have left
a week ago.

Alone.

If there is a time I've
felt so confused, bewildered
and extremely lonely.

I felt it all tonight.

Maybe in my slumber,
I may find myself defying
the gravity of emptiness.
Hopefully in my dreams,
I may claim my wilderness
back.

Piolo

The first time I've heard from you, they say you had an affair with Yul Servo. That kargador-looking guy with pony tail hair must be very lucky to be linked to you. But it doesn't matter, he's a nobody anyway. Whoever spread those rumors must just be so envious of your success.

Next thing I knew, you had this sex video that made you cry - live at the Buzz. Yeah, it was a turn-off - even if I didn't see it with my own eyes. In fact, I think it almost spelled the end of your career. Umiyak ka pa kasi eh. Good thing, Boy Abunda understands you, that's why he spared you from further humiliation. Andali-dali lang naman kasi eh. It's as simple as denying everything. After all, it's just a rumor circulated to get back at what your network did to Ethel Booba. Who said there's no payback even in showbiz?

Then there's this blowjob scandal at ABS-CBN's parking lot. I forgot the name of the celebrity who's with you that rainy evening when a security officer allegedly caught you doing something inside the car. But what the heck! You know how harsh those tabloid reporters are to you. These faggots would do everything just to destroy someone they see as one of them - especially if they are paminta - like they accuse you of. I know, by this time, nobody believes that you're straight. But you still try your best to do so, even if it's just a hopeless cover-up on your part.

Last year, there's this Sam Milby affair. A photo of you holding his hand circulated in the internet and became a sensation for months. But the honchos of your network have learned their lessons. This is, after all a dirty job against you. The people behind those photoshopped pictures desperately wants to pull you down together with some rising celebrities from your network that they will do everything to prove that you're gay.

But is it bad to be gay anyway? Or still, everyone equates gayness to parloristas that's why they do enjoy destroying those who are accused of (like you) from inside out?

Finally, this evening, another news came out that you've been hanging out with Erik Santos, another celebrity who is also accused of being a PLU. Apparently, there's this picture of you in San Francisco with him piggy riding on your back. Again, the picture was well crafted. At first glance, a viewer would almost certainly believe that you had a romantic involvement with him. But you know, truth reveals itself whenever there is a wrongdoing. Just a 10-minute access in the internet and I already know that it's just another dirty job to destroy you again - and of course, Erik Santos, who is in a steady relationship with the gay lady - Rufa Mae Quinto.

---

But you know what, the dirty bombs really don't matter. Even if the malicious news about you destroys your career completely, I know you've done wrong to no one. I've heard some good deeds about you. Delamar could vouch for your humility when you personally assisted her and her crew in entering your network's compound. A former girl phone-pal can also prove to everyone how friendly and accommodating you are. These good deeds maybe the reason why, no matter how many dirt bags they throw on you, you endure their beating. In the end, we all know that they're doing this out of envy to your achievements as a person.

Don't worry, what truth you keep is safe with me. I may not know you personally but I think you're a great person. May your career still soar - and may you still find professional growth in your desired field. Mom likes you as an actor and even though, I don't really pay attention to showbiz ever,

Your life is something to be admired. You don't deserve such treatment.

- the truth behind Piolo's gay photos can be found here.

Beyond The Realms Of Malate: A Bar Tour (Last Part)

Sidenote: Check out the previous wikimapia image for more details. I'm gonna use this device the next time I go out again.

*

For the first time,
you've got me baby...
yeah eh... yeah eh.

- Maya, First Time (Offer Nissim Club Mix)

---

Two bars visited, yet a restless heart still feels incomplete. Perhaps, I’m so used to dancing at Government that I could not enjoy anymore the pleasures of having a quiet drink. My next and final destination is supposed to land me in Timog, where a new PLU dance club recently opened. According to sources, this PLU place boasts a dark room on its second floor. A dark room is an area where guys satisfy their horny instincts in a quick, no-frills style after finding their desired mate from the guys who cruises at the dance floor.

However, from what I’ve heard from subtle conversations in Palawan, there is another bigger Palawan, which is actually not a bar, but a huge dance club. According to these two chatty effeminates, the dance club rivals BED or Government in size and guests numbers. Their endless bragging stirred up my curiosity, so before I left, I asked the person in the ticket booth where I could find this other Palawan bar.

He told me to take a tricycle and tell the driver to bring me to “Palawan Dos.” The guy assured me that the driver knows where the place is. The problem however is that I don’t have any spare change for the short trip. Therefore, I decided to walk four streets to get there. The guy in the ticket booth told me the exact street anyway, so there's no problem - except that my immediate concern was how to walk along Aurora without getting mugged or further harassed by pimps desperately offering their girls for a short time fun.


Palawan 2 Disco Bar

Two words: Enormously huge.

This disco bar indeed, could rival my home turfs in size and visitors. It was a Friday morning when I went there, but surprisingly, all the tables on the ground floor were occupied.

In front of me was a huge stage, where a drag queen dances and lip syncs to a song performed by Madonna. Her skimpy costume dazzles me with colors and with her dance choreography, it shows how well rehearsed her performance was.

Since there was no available table at the ground floor, the waiter suggested that I should go up to the balcony instead. The view was better up there, but all the chairs were also occupied. Luckily, there was a spare chair near the corner where a group of kids were smoking cigarettes.

I approached the guy next to the vacant stool. He was tall, fair-looking and has a chinky eyes that smiled at me when I asked him if the chair was occupied. He told me it was available. Checking him out as he watched another drag performing a Mariah song, I mumbled, "God I think he's cute!"

The moment I settled down, the waiter behind me immediately gave the menu. Beers are a little more expensive here compared to Sandra’s, but still, it’s far cheaper than what I pay for in a high-end bar. They have a promotion that night, where a bottle of Colt Ice only cost P45 pesos, so I ordered one bottle and joined the crowd in watching the colorful sights and diva-ish appeal of the drag queens performing on stage.

Time flew so fast, I didn't realize that the first set was about to end. The time was past 1:00 am, and my phone kept on beeping since mother never stops asking me about the time I will go home. I could have left, but the party was just about to start. As the club music became more familiar to my ears, I can’t help myself but go on a full throttle especially when they played the track First Time by Maya.

On a typical high-energy dance party, my usual habit is to go at the center of the dance floor where the club sounds could easily drive me euphoric. However, in Palawan’s case, the dance floor is at the stage, which is very far from where I am seated. Besides, I could not leave the cute guy since he began responding to my discreet stares with a faint, embarrassed smile. I would have loved to strike up a conversation, but the kids around us were aggressively trying to catch his attention as well. Being the outsider guy, I let the other kids do their bidding.

Besides, I'm too chicken to call the first shots.

The party went on for another two hours. The Dj's line up of club sounds was pretty interesting, yet I've heard most of them at Club BED already a year ago. The speakers didn't impress me either. They were awfully big; they flanked the stage, but their audio output was boring. In every dance clubs that I visit, the first thing that I check out is how powerful their speaker's subwoofer is: Does it's bass audio cover the entire dance floor? Will it make your heart pound faster? At Palawan, the bass was almost non-existent. All I've heard is the loud music blaring from their speakers.

The drag queens performed again for their final set. There was this one act, where a performer was wearing a yaya's uniform while singing in a toy telephone, "Ang puk* ng dalaga." Her suggestive movements almost made me tumble on my chair. Plus, since the drag lip synced an artist that sounded like Pilita Corales, which was extremely unusual from their usual show, I consider her performance a stand out from the rest.

I left at past three in the morning satisfied with how my bar tour ended. I never expected that in expanding the places I could hang-out, I would stumble upon some interesting sights that I may never see in the clubs that I usually hang-out. In a week or two, I would return to Palawan 2 to show my friends how great the place is. In my opinion, I think their selling point is the drag performance. Their entrance fee of P50 pesos was a great bargain too. In fact, now that I think about it, I believe that I've got more fun from what I paid for.

---

Three bars, three different locations. The first one holds on to its faded glory, while the second one appears uncertain about its true identity. The third one was indeed a sensation, and perhaps, its the place those guys in G4M were raving about.

Myths tell me that there are other PLU hang-out places out there that are beginning to shine beyond the realms of Malate. If such legends are true, there is indeed more to this lifestyle that I never bothered to explore. I could have extended my experience by having some "little nasty fun" just steps away from Palawan 2. However, it was a great night and I don't plan to mess it up with such a tasteless ending.

Looking up above, the dark skies of Cubao seems blazing with fire - a temporary blaze set forth by a night of freedom I enjoyed. Still, the assortment of neon signs from the other bars along the street are lighted, temping me to check them out and see what secrets they are willing to reveal.

But alas! The sun is about to rise in a few hours and I am beginning to feel my body crumble from my journey. There's another time for a new adventure.

It's time to go home.

Beyond The Realms Of Malate: A Bar Tour (Part II)

The night is still young when I left Sandra’s to continue my bar tour. Recto was now a place empty of people. The street is well-lit, unlike four years ago when it was dark and dangerous to walk alone in this avenue. But in my youth, I used to take a stroll here to search myself at past midnight. In those times, my new non-straight lifestyle still mystifies me, and as a test to know how far my newfound liberation would take me, I tried to feel and become one with the cruisers.

The jeepney trip that would take me to Cubao took almost an hour. In that span of time, I tried to look back and remember at what point did I stop exploring things that relate to my lifestyle. In my five years of being a PLU, I have never set foot in a bath house, a gay bar or have done nasty things most of my peers had already done in their lifetime. I stopped living the fast lane the moment I realized that my life is not just mine anymore. Now that my entire family counts on me, such trippings remain the least of my priorities.

Cubao, at the strike of midnight, was very much different from what I usually see during early evenings. There were still lots of people doing their errands everywhere, however this time, that stretch of Aurora becomes a promiscuous boulevard where pimps would openly ask you, “boss babae, bata pa mura lang!” and where young girls would look at you with such lusty eyes, I’d begin to wonder if I’d still get a hard on once these girls touch my moony.

I turned left at a street just below the Gateway LRT 2 station. Walking past six establishments to my right, Palawan beckons. The wikimapia website was much of a help. Without its instructions, I would have a hard time finding my second destination.

Click Map

Palawan One Bar and Grill.

If Sandra’s is the old mother of all PLU watering holes, then Palawan is the youngest child among her brood. This stand-up comedy and videoke bar is surprisingly gaining popularity in the local gay dating sites such as Guys4Men, as an alternative hang-out place to the well-established domains of Malate and Makati.

There is a P50 peso cover charge for the entrance, which doesn’t include the beer. As you enter the main door, a large platform that serves as the stage is the first thing you will notice. Several effeminate kids wearing clothes which they probably brought from the Kids section of a department store, immediately exchanged glances at me, while the rest of the audience remains indifferent to the comedian spewing punchlines on stage.

A first time visitor would immediately have an impression that Palawan as just a comedy bar. However, as I explored the interiors of this place, I discovered that the other half of the bar is actually a large videoke room. The only difference between the two rooms is that the other half lets a guest sing on stage and be interviewed by the comedian, while guests on the other half take turns singing on the lone videoke machine in front of the room. In order to get inside the other room, a guests will be charged three songs a table. Since I don’t sing anyway, I decided to pass the opportunity to check the other room out.

Just by looking around the comedy bar area, I observed that the place is less lighted compared to Sandra’s. The circular red lanterns that hung on the ceiling don’t illuminate the floor at all. No wonder, I see shadows eloping on the darker areas of the room. However, their theme is more defined than the first bar I checked out. Small portraits of old muscle cars were plastered all over the walls, while a huge picture of Elvis Presley hung on an empty wall not far from where I am seated.

In less than my hour’s stay in Palawan, I was virtually non-existent to all the waiters and waitresses who passed by my table. For some reasons unknown to me, nobody even bothered to ask for my order, despite the fact that the comedy bar isn’t in its full capacity that night.

Appalled by their staff’s inadequate service, I left my table to go to the bathroom.

As drops of water falls around me from pipes that hung on the ceiling, the bare hollow blocks that serves as the wall where the urinal was installed reminds me that it was far better at Sandra's. It might be very smelly out there, but the algae that thrives on the tiles tells me that at least, there is life out there. The sights of muscled moreno men alone - the SMK types flirting with old gay men shows how busy and thrilling the place is.

Besides, at least over there, somebody notices my arrival. What they lack in amenities and entertainment, they make it up for genuine service and humility.

Here in Palawan, despite the four large television sets that shows the lyrics of the songs being played; despite the sleek black uniforms of the waiters and waitresses who just stand at corners watching the perfomers sing on stage; and despite their mediocre ventilation provided by several ceiling fans in the Comedy Bar area, what this bar really lacks is service. Honestly, I’d be happier being a nobody elsewhere, rather than to be stuck here, where the comedian is amazingly boring, and my presence is ignored by the very people I expected to make me feel welcome.

---

-tobecontinued-