A Perfect Circle

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same

It was the closing of September when your eyes first met. At the corner of Orosa and Nakpil in Malate, he entered the bar brokenhearted and yearning to free himself from an attachment which is nearing its end. Across the dance floor, guzzling your Red Horse Beer, he saw you amongst the beautiful men who made passes at him. It was your small, smiling eyes that captivated him. It was your goatie that caught his attention.

You noticed his glances and acknowledged it with a faint smile. Like a shard of metal slowly getting drawn to a magnet, he moved closer wishing that the attraction was the same. Barely five minutes after he arrived, both of you were already in the corner biting each others lips and feeling each other's tongue unmindful of the guests who were probably disgusted by your shameless display of affection .

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious

Your make out ended in a motel somewhere near Quirino. It was a one-night stand he would never forget. He can still feel your slim body rubbing against his chest and your thick facial hair still brushes his back whenever he imagines of you. You were a hard kisser. His lips were left swollen for days after your intimacy happened. You were a pinner in bed. Had he surrendered to your aggression, he would have received a hard impalement from you that morning.

You were a good cuddler. In your lean arms he felt safe. Between the orgasms, you shared your dreams to his thirsty ears. You made him see new worlds he yearns to find himself in. Believing that your encounter would just last a night, it was a tell-all revelation: That you were a student of law; that you were a high government official at the tender age of 27; that you were someone who made a name and will always be proud to tell it even to those you will cross in bed. Bruised from pincer attacks he received that day, he lowered his defenses for you to peek into his soul. He thought that there was a connection even when your affection was meant to last for just one encounter.

A hug, a last kiss and it was all goodbye. You parted ways without looking at each other's eyes. In two days you will be returning to your home in Bacolod. He resigned to the fact that you will never see each other again.

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Eve of the New Year, restless and seeking for temporal affection, he returned to the same bar only to find you again. Standing next to the ledge, your eyes met. Pleasantries were exchanged and your smiling eyes once again drew him next to you. Unfortunately, things were different this time. Emancipated from all romantic involvements, he stuck with you hoping to resurrect a long dead past.

Revelers passed, admirers checked out. But despite the choices he could pick, he chose to remain with you.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

Hands clasped, he thought you still remember your connection. In his desperation to seek assurance, it was your presence that made him seek no more. "Why would I search for another and let them barge into my locked doors," He told himself. "You are already here and you have seen everything that I keep within."

As the night wore on while God played his music, he noticed that your eyes surveyed all directions. You were looking for someone and he felt your slow disconnection. "Maybe you are with another person," he hesitantly admits to himself. "Perhaps your lover is here and I am just a spare tire you want keep until your company shows up to reclaim you before the dance is over."

'Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Past four in the morning, you thought he already left. He bid farewell when he felt the icy chill occupying the space between you. But behind the veil of smoke; of the spectacular laser lights that pointed on everyone's sweaty body; and the booming bass sound from the huge speakers that made the packed club bounce to Rihanna's music, he secretly stayed behind to pick up what is left after dropping him for another. As he looked for a replacement - of someone he could show just to tell in your face that you're not a loss, it was still your image that occupied his thoughts.

Had you told him earlier you were already with someone, it would be easier to accept things as they were.

You brushed each other's elbow for the last time in the near-empty dance floor just as when he was about to exit the club. Around you were couples making out and a handful of revelers pushing each other to the ones they want to get introduced.

"Happy.New.Year.dude." He said in a slurry voice

"We will see each other again. Goodbye." Your eyes, which once captured his lonely gazes on a fiery September night was now pointing at the other direction.

- towards the friends you introduced, which he deliberately ignored just to stake his claim over you.

"It was truly over," he insisted to himself.

You found somebody else.

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me at all

---

- Three Libras, A Perfect Circle

Exercise Of Vital Powers

Dodong suggested after paying him a visit at his new pad last week that instead of focusing my attention to a single person, I should take advantage of my single hood and explore different worlds by meeting and dating as much guys as possible. His thoughts fumbled me. Knowing that in all matters of attachment, I try to have a one-track mind to avoid confusing my heart and avoid hurting other people in the process. Perhaps this is the reason why I raised walls and avoided exposure to places that would keep me distracted. I always believed that having a clear line of sight when it comes to romantic engagements would make the transition easier. However, realizing how much I lost by depriving myself of the opportunities to enjoy my freedom, I began taking steps to claim everything that could possibly be mine.

Days have passed and Centurion's successful GEB/Reunion is still the talk of his circle. Feedback was provided by Tagay, and from our intermittent conversations yesterday, he gave an impression that he was quite "fond" of the new recruits for he found them quite "interesting" and "cool" to hang out with.

Tagay's recollection of events and details were enough to make me very curious. I know that I could not easily barge into Centurion's G4M Thread since I am still bound by a pact with Odin. On the other hand, doing nothing except to send feelers to Centurion of my existence would not help boost my presence in the group. Somehow I was worried that when the next Inuman GEB comes, I might end up being out of place in the table.

Therefore, I had to make some provisions to the pact. With Odin's permission which he gave this afternoon, I was able to access Guys4Men using Pinuno's secondary account.

---

Guys4Men will never be Guys4Men if the website never exudes a sense of promiscuity, karir and SEB. Odin only allowed for a maximum of 15 minutes to access the website. He bought my reasons and as a token of my gratitude, I was willing to share the password should he decide to check the website for himself. He declined my offer stating that he had no use for it. As for me, the purpose was clear and the moment I found myself in the sex and intimacy forum, I sought the most discreet thread that I could find there.

Pinuno's thread still has the trappings of his old nooks. Only members who have no "face-pics" were acknowledged by the members. Effeminates were usually discouraged to join for most of them never really sought friendship. Aside from not being able to relate to the majority, experience tells that their goal was to flirt around or harass the thread for being biased against them until they get blocked by the founder. In Centurion's circle, emphasis is given to masculinity and discreetness. The more koboy you are, the faster you get to be absorbed by the group. It is this one-sided policy that made his thread notorious in the forum. What is ironic is that despite being a thread for masculines and closeted guys, we had the respect of many effeminates in the forum.

For we were never bashers despite our preference for our own exclusivity.

New profiles abound when I arrived at Centurion's thread. Some of them were already preceded by impressions from my earlier conversations with the core members. However, for the most part of my stay, I was an outsider. If not for Darwin and Pinuno's acknowledgment of my presence, the new recruits would never learn that I am the fifth core member within their "Kuyas'" inner circle.

My time is short and my allegiances in G4M remain far and wide. One of the threads that I paid a visit was the Eclipse Thread in the Sports and Fitness Forum. The three dedicated posters lead by Juan8 still faithfully keeps the thread running and continues to recruit new members they can introduce to our gym. Unfortunately, no one was online when I came so I left a post to let them know that I'm still around. In the Arts and Literature Forum, the Blog Thread where I met some members of the Alliance still looks after their little nook. New bloggers were still posting their links there. When they expand their connections in blogspace a few months from now, there is no doubt that they would stumble on this blog too.

Going back to Centurion's stronghold, I was introduced to some of the new recruits who guard the thread day and night. Mike2639 and silentboi19 are one of them. They ensure that the thread never gets buried under countless other threads ranging from seeking SEB invitations or discussions on kinky subjects such as "cum drinking" and "double penetration." Tagay was right, the new batch were an interesting mix and I look forward to meeting some of them in the near future. My brief presence reminded me of DN and his elite guard of Anime worshipers who used to look after the "Bahay" while I preoccupied myself making silly remarks on other threads or searching for hook-ups whenever I get horny.

These are the things I miss about G4M. Had I put more thrust on friendship rather than whoring myself around, I wouldn't mind going back after the pact with Odin expires this summer. However, remembering how turbulent and depressing those times were, I think it would be best to keep myself as far away as possible and depend on Pinuno and Darwin for news about home.

I logged out after staying for one hour in G4M. It was 45 minutes late from the agreed time of exposure which Odin only allowed. In my stay there, I received two SEB invitations from horny guys (using Centurion's account) which I ignored and screened a new member who is now the newest member of our circle.

---

Mugenblue-Odinhood Pact
Provision 001:

So let it be known, that today, December 29, 2008. Mugen will access the website Guys4Men using Centurion's second account. It is to personally welcome Pinuno's new recruits to the group in hopes that my presence in their drinking events would give a sense of familiarity to the new members when they meet the last of the core.

Odin was notified of this decision and, with hesitation, had given his permission to access the site for 15 minutes.

Centurion was requested to change his password when the time of exposure is over. This is to avoid further breach of agreement if Mugen would insist for a prolonged presence in that website.

---

December 30, 4:00 AM
I should have stayed overnight in a convent
This is indeed an exercise of vital powers.

Brotherhood

---

IN AND OUT

"...the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we drive your ambulances. We connect your calls, we guard you while you sleep. Do not... fück with us." - Fight Club

strangers in a strange land. we live in a society whose idea of sexual norm is far within our reach. our likes have been discriminated against or mocked at. we have been unjustly portrayed by the media. they called us names that make even our own stomachs heave just as we fancy a life that doesn't closely resemble this hellish condition. they made us outsiders just because we are not like them. they took part in making us what we are right now. and let us be whoever we are.

others might view us as just another closeted or coward gays. undecided faggots because we are masculine. we don't look gay enough to curl your hair or fancy a catwalk in some branded get-up.

we are men. men is what we are.

... and we prefer the masculine psyche. and body. and essence. we are strong and we are fantabulous. narcissistic, yet true.

we don't want to seek refuge under a single label. being labeled a gay/bisexual doesn't make you one. there is more to a word.

and so we are out here.

i beckon people to challenge themselves. you know who you are.


***


there are only two questions to ask oneself in order to assess if you are an ODDer.

1) Do i fancy/love/like the same sex in ways that would be enough to question my sexuality?

2) Do i measure up to the masculinity of the unmistakably straight guys? am i butch enough that no one would ever believe that i'm not straight?

(in a nutshell, don't you just think Reichen and Chip and their kind are so cool?)


welcome aboard, guys.

- Originally posted by Dodong: The Outsiders Thread, Pinoyexchange.
September 17, 2003

---

For six years, it never came to a point that I would ditch an age-old tradition for another activity last night. Centurion's group had their grand eyeball/reunion inuman somewhere in Tandang Sora, (where it was reported that a PLU who looks like Piolo Pascual from the new recruits showed up); a straight friend sent an invitation for a one-on-one drinking spree at his pad in Taft; and Tannis was asking for another meet-up, (and a possible... moment... at his apartment in Pasig).

The ditching was triggered when Dodong confided that he cannot go because of personal reasons. Meanwhile, Roy was still in the south, haggardly looking after the empire of Henry Sy. Their absence meant that I would be forced to go without the closest of my BrOdders around me.

And it left me worried sick, that I would become an outsider to the guys who have been there for most of my PLU life.

An hour before my shift is over, Dodong was persuaded by the organizer to show up. After receiving his confirmation, I immediately decided to follow. They are the oldest ties I have and since they were the first who sent the invitation, might as well show up and have a fabulous party with them.

There were less than 20 attendees when I arrived at the VIP Room. It was a far cry from our former glory where such activity was attended by 40 gay men. This year's Christmas Party was different from the rest for three specific reasons: It was hastily organized by a handful of people, no one bothered to bring a "friend" along, and there were no parlor games and awards given to the attendees. Despite these setbacks, it was the most intimate get-together we had. Only the core was present and the party atmosphere reminded everyone of the good old days when most of us were still in our early twenties and just starting to rise up from our respective careers.

Now what we have are outsourcing managers, university and high school academicians, IT geniuses, tobacco and beer chemists, and yes... even bill-gatesque benefactors. We have come so far that in the words of Roy sometime this year:

"It would be impossible to break us apart."

This entry is for all the years we have struggled to stay together despite the signs of outgrowing each other. This entry is for all the PLU groups, clans and barkadas that exist, and are surviving despite the rifts, scandals and controversies that threatens to cut their bonds of brotherhood.

Finally, this entry vindicates my earlier sentiments about the foreseeable ending of the group.

"Parang kelangan ko ata talagang ilabas ito at mabasa para sakali mang dumating ang panahon na tapos na ang lahat, wala akong itinago. Ipinahayag ko ang aking concern at ibinahagi ko ang aking kalungkutan. Ayokong magising na lang isang gabi na iba na pala ang mga kasama ko, at ang mas nakakalungkot dun ay mas nag-eenjoy na akong kasama sila...

...habang unti unting natutuyo sa puso ko ang dalawang taong mga masasarap na alaala at pinagsamahan sa mundo ng..."

For the seven years and to the many more that will follow. In the non-straight culture, romantic relationships may fail, but it is often the brotherhoods that endure a lifetime.

---

For Waps Omeng and those who are still out there.
We look forward to seeing you guys again.

Photo borrowed from the Archangel

The Return

We learn from experience that a very tipsy person has the same chances of swaggering at the middle of the road and making a detour to the sleaziest of places when left to survive on his own devices. It happened to several friends I "nursed" before. They all arrived safe after dropping them off in front of their gates. Since I am as human as the ones I looked after in their most precarious state, the swinging towards the middle of nowhere can also happen to me.

The week that passed has been a turn-over for everything: The turn-over of gifts to friends, family and relatives; the turn-over of romantic emotions from the past to the present; and who would have thought, a person I turned-over a couple of months ago would have a surprise comeback after meeting him face to face in the same spot before.

And so there was I, drunk, after downing seven bottles of beer at a party. I left the company of revelers when I learned that they would stay at a nearby coffee shop instead of heading to their homes. They were inviting me to join, but I said that I could not stay. I was worried that I might disgorge in front of the guys who call me supremo, or I might do something crazy which I might regret when I get sober.

I staggered pass several blocks of buildings and found my way in Ayala. I must say that it was difficult to keep oneself steady while trying to figure out how to get home. My god, I can't even remember how I was able to arrive at the Enterprise from Greenbelt. What more if I hail a taxi and not direct it to someplace else?

But experience tells that I have been to worse cases before. At Mami Athena's gathering early this year, we downed countless shots of Fundador while having Red Horse as our chaser. I had to throw up everything I ate just to pump out the alcohol from my tummy. On my way home, I had to ask the cab driver several times to drop me off so I could throw up in a corner before proceeding to our destination. When Centurion called for a drinking reunion together with my two "adopted" young lads last summer, I had to appear more sober than my kids even if I filled a toilet bowl with my sludge. I promised to bring them close to their places in Pasig even when I was the one needed to be accompanied home. This case was not so bad. However, I knew that I couldn't show up to my mom without appearing to obvious of my "fruity" smell. I had to get sober elsewhere or I might get grounded after twisting my excuses again.

I told the cab driver our destination. Malate.

Christmas Eve was almost upon us, and yet, Orosa was still teeming with nightlife. Except for a few tell-tale signs of sobriety, people are still geared to party. For someone bored and restless like me, a fewer crowd made no difference. I head towards Che'Lu to get re-acquainted with my home turf again.

However, just when I was about to pay for the entrance fee, I noticed that there were no people dancing on the floor. The place was literally "nilalangaw" which only meant that I couldn't do a full throttle no matter how adrenalin-inducing the house tracks were. With no other choice, I dragged my carcass on to the next bar which is O. At least, even if the dance floor is empty, the club's claustrophic layout would give an impression that there's still party in the house.

The night was still young and time was on my side. Mom wasn't looking for me, and my sister might be busy surfing the web using my computer again. My goal was to party as hard as I could to catch up from the two months of being absent in the circuit. It was also my way of flushing out the alcohol before it settles down in my head. Flirting was never an option since I could not distinguish a guy from another. Everyone just wanted to have a dance partner and it never occurred to me that I wanted it too...

...That was until I saw him leaning in one of the stainless steel beams near the bathroom while smiling at me.

"Oye nandito ka pala!" I said to him with a slurry voice.

"Honga eh, medyo malungkot kasi sa bahay." He answered in a somber tone while trying to conceal his awkwardness at our chance encounter.

"Galing ako sa party. Chill muna dito bago umuwi ng bahay."

"Honga eh, pansin ko lasing ka na..." He was obviously alone - and looking for company.

Forgive me for being highly sensitive to signs and omens, but to see him there - after vowing never to return to that place when I ditched him a few months back must be something serendipitous. As far as I can remember, I sought cosmic intervention for him to stay, only to push him away when I discovered that he wasn't the one I am looking for. The heavens must be pulling the strings, and at that moment I wasn't so sure if resisting our fate was a good alternative.

So I went along and tried to dance as God played his favorite house tracks.

Thrice I took a leak at O-Bar's cramp, but well-lit bathroom. Thrice when I returned to the dance floor, I still find him there, standing, alone and perhaps waiting for me. His gesture was gentlemanly - whether he meant it or not - and to return the favor, I stuck by his side to make him feel that he was never alone that night.

Looking back, I should be ashamed to be in his proximity when I had been cruel from the very start. When I sensed his intrusion the first time we got close, I had to pull back by ignoring his text messages and date invitations. I blocked his Yahoo Messenger so he will not see me online. Literally, I disconnected myself to spare him from all the hurt that I might bring and yet there he was, keeping me steady while the world around swirled in a dizzying frenzy.

"I am glad it was you who found me." I blurted out while my eyes were on the verge of shutting down.

I don't recall his answer. But I remember putting my head on his shoulder while he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I'm about to leave, would you mind if I invite you home."

"Sure!!" I felt his mood lightened up.

I took it as a cue to pick my bag and leave the place less than an hour after I arrived. After all, I would rather entrust myself to someone I already know, than take the risk and get involved with a stranger I just met.

Che'lu will always be my bar of choice but in the two occasions I hit O-Bar alone, I left the place with my life drastically changed.

My first visit lead to a one night stand with a young lawyer.

A day later, I was emancipated from a forbidden attachment. A week later, I broke up with my partner.

The last lead to an intimate but non-orgasmic sleep-over. I woke up the following morning cuddling a human and not drooling on a fluffy pillow.

Uncertain of our future, it was Tannis who I found.

---

Afternoon passed on and I prayed for his return.

At past 3, I started losing hope.

Maybe I wrote the wrong number. Perhaps he lost the card on his way home. I also cannot rule out the possibility that every word he said and every gesture he did that night was a result of his longing. He was merely lonely and when I filled out his void, my presence suddenly became irrelevant.

Another Moment In Paradise, October 20, 2008

--

-tobecontinued-

Slice Of Heaven

The Noche Buena
(Ang cake sa inyong kanan ay naubos within 15 seconds
Ang nasa kaliwa ay nauwi ko pa ngayong gabi sa bahay.)

Presents from Santa Claus
(Akala ko Clinique Happy, titili sana ako. Lol.
My first high-end perfume.)

Lunch at my aunt's new house in Laguna
(For some reasons, this photo really strikes me. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa bundok,
sa makulimlim na ulap o dahil sa garden lamp na ito)

---

As mom would say after complaining that the priest's homily sounds boring and uninspired during the mass this morning, "It is not the trivial things that really matter. What is important is that we are able to experience this day as a family, and that we should be grateful that blessings and harmony continue to pour to each and every one of us."

Contrary to impressions of opulence, we celebrate Christmas with more emphasis on bonds, selflessness and love and remembrance toward our kin.

Twenty seven years and counting, may the family tradition pass on to the ones who will come after us.

Illumination

Sa pagitan ng Hidalgo at Arlegui St. malapit sa Quiapo Underpass ay matatagpuan ang munting bilihan ng sigarilyo ni Nanay Muning. Dahil nasa tabi ng ATM Machine ng PSBank ang kanyang puwesto, madalas ko itong nadadayo sa tuwing maglalabas ng perang panggastos sa pamimirata ng dibidi malapit sa lugar. Maraming matatandang tindero't tindera ang may puwesto roon, subalit isang bagay na nakasipat ng aking atensyon upang kaibiganin ang matanda ay ang kanyang kasa-kasamang pusa.

May mga panahon na mahaba ang pila sa ATM. Bukod kasi sa napaka-kupad ng ibang gumagamit ng machine, medyo luma na rin ito't mabagal maglabas ng pera. Upang maiwasan ang pagkabagot sa pag-iintay ng aking pagkakataon, ang pusa ni Nanay Muning ang madalas kong inaabala tulog man ito o gising. Sa mga magtataka kung paano nagkaroon ng pusa sa mataong lugar na iyon, ang pusa ni Nanay ay may tali sa leeg. Mukhang nakasanayan na rin ito ng kanyang alaga kaya't hindi ito pumapalag gaya ng ibang pusang alam ko.

Kahapon ay muli akong dumayo ng Quiapo matapos ang napakahabang araw na palibot-libot kung saan-saan upang maghatid ng regalo sa mga inaanak. Tiyempong naalala ko na may Christmas Party pala kami sa Tripper's Clan sa PEx kinagabihan at wala pa akong regalo sa aking monito. Bago bumaba ng jeep ay kaagad kong sinilip ang laman ng aking wallet.

Ubos na pala ang perang laman nito.

Kaya't tumungo ako ng PSBank upang maglabas ng extra cash pambili ng regalo. Nagkataon naman na naroon si Nanay Muning na nakaupo sa kanyang folding chair habang binabantayan ang kanyang tindahan ng sigarilyo. May gumagamit pa ng ATM kaya't napilitan akong mag-intay ng aking turn para magwithdraw. Wala roon ang kanyang pusa kaya't ang matanda ang aking napagtuunan ng pansin.

Malamig ang klima, maulap ang kalangitan at ramdam ko na apektado si Nanay Muning dito. Sa aking panandaliang pagtayo roon, maraming beses kong nasaksihan ang kanyang pag-ubo na may kasamang paghukot ng kanyang likod sa tuwing dudura ng plema. Medyo nag-alala ako sa kanyang kundisyon. Matanda na rin kasi si Nanay at kung hindi ako nagkakamali, doon rin siya natutulog sa kanyang puwesto tuwing gabi.

Minsan na kasi ako nadaan roon patungong underpass pasado hatinggabi at nakita siyang balot ng maduming kumot at naghihilik sa kanyang folding chair.

Patuloy pa rin ang pag-ubo ng matanda. Upang alalayan ito, hinimas ko ang kanyang likuran na siyang naging daan upang lingunin niya ako't muling kilalanin.

"Kilala mo ako?" Tanong niya sa akin ng may munting ngiti sa kanyang mukha.

"Opo, alaga niyo yung pusa diba?" Kasabay noon ang pagturo sa kanyang alaga na nagtatago pala sa ilalim ng kanyang puwesto.

Marahil ay nakita niya ang aming koneksyon kaya't gumaan ang loob nito sa akin. Hinawakan niya ng mahigpit ang aking kamay sabay bati ng

"Meri Krismas."

Napangiti ako sa kanyang sinabi.

Turn ko na noon upang mag-withdraw. Matapos mamili ng pangregalo sa mga tao at pakikiparty kung saan-saang dako ay di-kailang nabawasan ang aking ipon. Ito ang dahilan kung bakit wala akong regalo sa sarili. Sa kabila nito ay hindi ako gaano apektado ng deprivation. Ang diwa naman ng Pasko ay nakatuon sa iba at hindi sa sarili, kaya't ganoon man ang nangyari, masasabi kong masaya ako.

Kaharap ang ATM, naalala ko si Nanay Muning na rinig pa rin ang pag-ubo sa labas. Naalala ko ang mga dapithapong nakakapulot ako ng munting kasiyahan sa paghimas ng kanyang alagang pusa - na kahit anong pangingiliti ko dito ay hindi ako kinakalmot. Naalala ko rin ang kanyang mga kwento tungkol sa lugar sa tuwing tumatambay ako't nagsisigarilyo sa tabi ng kanyang puwesto habang patuloy ang mabilis na pagikot ng mundo sa harap namin.

Higit sa lahat, naalala ko kung gaano kalungkot magpasko sa lansangan, walang handa at minsan ay wala pang pera - habang ako, na magpapaskong malaya matapos ng walong taon kapiling ang iba't ibang karelasyon ay magdiriwang ng isang engradeng Noche Buena kasama ang pamilya at ang buong angkan.

Nagwithdraw ako na buo sa damdamin ang aking gagawin.

"Merry Christmas po nanay." Bati ko kay Nanay Muning paglabas ng ATM Booth.

"Meri Krismas rin apo." Sa wakas ay tumigil na rin ang kanyang pag-ubo sa kabila ng manaka-nakang pag-ambon sa kalsada.

Mahigpit ang hawak niya sa aking kamay habang tinuturo ang lahat ng kanyang mga anak at apo na may mga puwesto sa paligid. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay dati na niyang naikwento na noong unang panahon ay higit na mas marangya ang kanyang buhay. Sa kasamaang palad ay hindi ko na tinanong kung bakit ito nagbago.

Naramdaman ko ang pagdulas ng kanyang hawak. Bago mahuli ang lahat at masira ang aming moment, pasimple kong binuka ang aking palad upang dumampi sa kanyang kulubot at magaspang na balat ang tanging maireregalo ko sa isang kaibigan na matagal ko ng hangad isama sa aking mga kuwento.

"Merry Christmas po ulit nanay." Pangiti kong sabi habang dahan-dahang umaatras sa kanya.

Hindi man kasama is Nanay Muning sa aking official gift list, ang regalo ko sa kanya marahil ang pinaka-matimbang sa lahat ng binigyang pasasalamat ko ngayong taon.

---

not her real name

merry christmas guys!

Warp and Weft

Tell us something about your land my lady.

Well, Camhalla is really a beautiful place. We know no wars or misery and everyone seems to be having a tea and biscuit party all the time.

Is that all there is to see in Camhalla?

Oh, but Captain Terrille, my home is a thriving kingdom for dolls like me. The great omniscience ensures that our needs are attended to. We seek our meaning and our purpose, and lately, we have begun to ponder if we are the only dolls around. I was the first to be sent to explore other worlds, so here I am talking you.

So... are there any creatures like us out there? Maybe our ancestors were able to send flying ships to other worlds. I know, a lot of us have tried but no one came back. Who knows, these intrepid pioneers were able to bridge the distance and spread throughout different realms.

How I wish I know Captain, but, this is the first world assigned to me. Maybe, when I venture elsewhere...

...Momoko what are you doing?

Your legs are so soft. Are all dolls like you?

Please don't... come... any closer... It feels so gooood...

MOMOKO, COME HERE NOW!

But I didn't do anything Captain. I'm just... touching her.

Can't you see the lady is not- -

It's alright, thank you Captain for being a gentleman.

What is a gentleman my lady?

You don't know what a gentleman is Captain?

No, I don't.

Well never mind. Anyway, Camhalla has no leaders, kings or alliances like you have here. We are never ruled by any doll, but we speak in behalf of the Omniscient One.

Do you know any dolls like you?

Yes Momoko, there are a lot of dolls like me. There's Cynthia and Kenny, AJ and Mikhail - They're a gay couple. And there is Puypuy, our seer and the wisest among us.

What is a gay couple?

Hmmm... Well Momoko, think of it this way. I presume you and the captain are both males.

I don't know. We Gomons have no sexes.

Well how do you breed and multiply then?

My lady, I am afraid Momoko and I cannot tell you. It is something, we don't tell to anyone.

I understand. Sorry for bringing it up.

So what is a gay couple?

Your friend is really curious huh Captain? Anyway Momoko, have you ever thought of having deep and romantic feelings with your captain?

I don't know lady Kee-Kee, but I want to be with the Captain all the time. The Captain is what I live for. I feel so happy and secured when he is around.

Then maybe, you are in love with him!!

Do you think so? I don't know what love is... but if my feelings for Captain exactly describe what love is... then maybe I am.

That's great! AJ and Mikhail would love to hear your story.

Why are you so quiet Captain? Don't you feel happy that Momoko is confessing his deep feelings for you? Will you not acknowledge his declaration of love?

I am sorry my lady, but Gomons do not feel...

It is because we are afraid to feel. That's why we are born in - -

Shut up Momoko or I will throw you in the brig when we return home!

No need to fight over your feelings boys! Well Captain, if you say so, then so it shall be. But you know what, it seems you are hiding something... Nevermind.

Tell me about Grenasia, or at least your people. I would love to hear your story.

Well then, our story goes something like - -

---

FIRE THE CANNONS!! AVOID HITTING THE DOLL AT ALL COST!

BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Duck my lady! Duck!!

What is happening Captain? Why are they shooting at us?

They are the loyal servants of Emperor Mumrah, our sworn enemies, the Meganus.

BOOM!!! BOOM!! BOOM!!

Captain, they are closing at us. Stay with the lady.

Where are you going?

To the Falconis, I will fly it to distract them. Tell the council they have arrived.

Momoko, wait!!

See you when I get back Captain.

The Meganus Flagship, Kashiyette lands. King Koopa emerges from the blast doors.

So, we meet again Gomon Terrille. Do you still remember how your people destroyed my Mt. Grovax Stronghold?

Yes, and we will do it over and over again until you don't have any means of spreading darkness into our lands Koopa.

TELL THE PIKA-SUU TO LAUNCH THE ABDUCTION CABLES! WE WILL TAKE THE DOLL AND DESTROY THE FALCONIS

They seemed armed Captain, I'm scared.

Stay behind my back my lady. Help is on the way.

FIRE!!!!

SWIIISHH!! TLANKS!!! BZZZT!!!

Captain they got me! I can't move.

BUDA! BUDA! BUDA!

The Abduction Cable receives a direct hit. It slips away from the Pika-suu.

You will never get Kee-Kee as long as I'm around!

"King Koopa, the Falconis!"

AIM YOUR CANNONS TOWARD THE FALCONIS! FIRE AT WILL!!

BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!!

Haha!! You will never catch up with --

VZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

The Falconis was hit by an unknown energy ball from the sky it crashed somewhere behind the hills

Whoa!?! Who was that???

MOMOKO!!!!

Momoko...

"King Koopa, the Riders have arrived!!"


Goddammit! I thought Hirogen and the Ultramen destroyed them?

"Some of them must have escaped our attack, what are your orders King Koopa?"

We have to capture the doll no matter what it - -

The Riders began jamming the Kashiyette communication system in order to contact King Koopa.

"ZZZTTT, we are the riders, we have come to get the doll for ourselves, ZZZTT"

"ZZZTTT, you do not have any business here, begone, or be destroyed, ZZZTT"

FRAK THEM RIDERS!!

"King Koopa, the sensors reveal that they are charging their superweapon."

TO THE CAPTAIN OF PIKA-SUU, OVERLOAD YOUR SYSTEM, FULL POWER TO THRUSTERS, RAM YOUR SHIP AGAINST THEIR ROBOT!!

But King Koopa, we will be sacrif - -

"Yes King Koopa."

I DON'T CARE IF THEY ALL DIE! EMPEROR MUMRAH WANTS THE DOLL, THE EMPEROR WILL GET THE DOLL!

Pikasu's afterburners lit up, as King Koopa's flagship lifts up to join its sister ship for a double attack

BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!!

"FIRE ALL CANNONS, THE RIDER ROBOT IS A SLOW MOVING TARGET!!"

BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!!

Help me Captain, I never thought your world is as violent as this...

Captain...

"We Live for King Koopa, We Die for King Koopa!!"

The Rider Robot was indeed a slow moving target. As it turns around to flee the approaching battleship, The Pika-suu rammed the heavily armored robot, cutting it half. As it plummets to the ground, Qiki was able to spot one of the pilot Riders trying to get out of his ship.

"The Pika-suu destroyed the enemy. There are no survivors King Koopa."

Honor our men's passing my dear comrades, for they died in order for us to live.

"What shall we do with the Gomon captain?"

They must have alerted their allies to our presence. Capture the doll. It's time to claim our gift for Emperor Mumrah!

King Koopas' Flagship fires two tiny projectiles and it probes deep into Qiki's right arm. Suddenly, she felt weak and unable to move

... Help.. me... Captain...

As the Kashiyette prepares to fire its thrusters, Captain Terrille's organic communicator attached to his scales bleeped.


It was the Gomon Council.

"Captain are you there? The Falconis disappeared from our radar screen. Please respond!! If you are still alive, help is on the way.

Magistrate Sallapudinni wants you to know that the Council has sent a word to the old Grenasian Alliance about the doll. The security council will convene in several days"

Still frozen from his spot, Captain Terrille could only utter...

I lied Momoko...

It was you I always long to be with...

---

-tobecontinued-

Losing My Religion

Because religion is just a human invention and I have all the free-will to choose whatever faith I want to believe in.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) is a deity created as a satirical protest to the decision by the Kansas State Board of Education to require the teaching of intelligent design as an alternative to biological evolution. The FSM is the deity of the parody religion. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is founded in 2005 by Bobby Henderson. Since the intelligent design movement uses ambiguous references to an unspecified 'Intelligent Designer' to avoid court rulings prohibiting the teaching of creationism as a science, this presumably left open the possibility that any imaginable thing could fill that role.

In an open letter sent to the education board, Henderson parodies the concept of intelligent design by professing belief in a supernatural creator which closely resembles spaghetti and meatballs. He furthermore calls for the "Pastafarian" theory of creation to be taught in science classrooms.

Sometimes, I wonder why some people would twist science in order to put religion into it? Are we so afraid that technology would make faith obsolete? Are holy institutions so worried that they would lose their flock once new thought makes them less of a believer?

The way I see it, there is no conflict between Darwin and Genesis, for looking at one book is like seeing the inversion of the other. A full circle is achieved between the two of them.

According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians. Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and adds that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history." Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19.

The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not imply causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s." A chart accompanying the letter shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. This is akin to the suggestion from some religious groups that the high numbers of disasters, famines and wars in the world is due to the lack of respect and worship towards a deity.

In 2008, Henderson has interpreted the growing pirate activities at the horn of Africa as an additional empirical support, pointing out that Somalia has "the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country.

I always believe that there are things we can subscribe to faith and there are things that are left for us to resolve. Faith is needed for us to be reminded that we are mere creations - of evolution - or something higher than it. A heart that is open makes us more understanding and empathic toward our surroundings. How sad that the thing that makes our heart compassionate, is the same thing that makes us kill our neighbors.

Religion.

The Eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts"

1. I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

2. I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

3. I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

4. I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is "go fuck yourself," unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.


5. I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bitches.

6. I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar synagogues / churches / temples / mosques / shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):

1. Ending poverty

2. Curing diseases

3. Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable

I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

7. I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

8. I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/vaseline. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

Imagine a world where tolerance, the love of the planet and liberal thought reigns supreme from one culture to another. Imagine a world where religious institutions are treated as schools of thought, and that, bloodshed is not required to appease a creator that though, worshiped in many forms and names, still is the same creator of all heavens and universes.

In November 2007, three talks involving the Flying Spaghetti Monster were scheduled to be delivered at the American Academy of Religion's annual meeting in San Diego. The talks included titles such as, "Holy Pasta and Authentic Sauce: The Flying Spaghetti Monster's Messy Implications for Theorizing Religion". Academics say while its inclusion in the program may get laughs, it is a serious debate on the essence of religion exploring questions such as "does religion require a genuine theological belief or simply a set of rituals and a community joining together as a way of signaling their cultural alliances to others?" or in short, "is an anti-religion like Flying Spaghetti Monsterism actually a religion?

Is there a big difference between Religion and Spirituality? I believe there is. For sometime now, I would always adhere my faith to Spirituality, for I see Religion as a possessive and insecure incarnation of our original belief in the creator.

Spirituality embraces every faith and it questions whether what Religion imposes is essential or not.

When confronted with metaphysical questions, at the back of my head this thought lingers:

Would poking fun and talking blasphemy about our most fundamental and trivial beliefs lead us closer to our source?

---

Flying Spaghetti Monster

A Message From Hyperspace

Hello po sa iyo. Natanggap ko ang iyong regalo at nagpapasalamat ako dahil naalala mo ang kaarawan ko. Pasensya na kung sa mga panahong ito ay iniiwasan ko ang mga tawag at pakikibalita tungkol sa iyo. Masyado pa kasing sariwa ang lahat para pag-usapan natin ang mga bagay-bagay na nagdulot sa ating paghihiwalay. Nawa'y nasa mabuti kang kalagayan. Tingin ko naman ay suportado ka ng ate mo dahil amoy Europe pa ang mga damit na binigay mo sa akin. Pasensya na kung hindi ko masusuot yung isa, masyado na kasi itong malaki para sa akin. Sana ay ayos lang ang pag-aaral mo. Alam ko, mahirap sayo ang ganitong sitwasyon, subalit alam kong mas mahihirapan ka na nag-eexist tayong malabo ang takbo ng ating relasyon.

Saan ko man tingnan kasi, kinakailangan talaga nating magkahiwalay dalawa.

Maraming mga bagay ang hindi ko pa mabubuksan sa ngayon, ngunit lagi mo sanang pakatandaan na anumang tulong, suporta at paghihirap na ibinuhos ko sa iyo ay walang hinihinging kapalit. Huwag kang ma-guilty sa mga nangyari sapagkat nakikita kong nakaraan na natin yun. Sa halip, ipagpatuloy mo ang iyong nasimulan sa pag-aaral. Maging hamon sana sa iyo ang ating pinagdadaanan ngayong magkaiba na tayo ng landas. Hindi ako nagsakripisyo at nagsugal ng sarili ng napakahabang panahon upang malaman lang na sa bandang huli ay isusuko mo ang lahat ng ating pinaghirapan.

Huwag ka mag-alala, hindi ako galit at lalong hindi kita nakakalimutan. Sa araw-araw na pagbangon ko sa umaga ay naiisip pa rin kita. Subalit, gaano man ang attachment ko sa iyo, panahon naman para ayusin ko ang aking sariling buhay. Nawa'y maintindihan mo sana ito. Kung maari sana, bilang respeto sa anumang nagkaroon tayo, hinihiling ko sa iyo ang distansya mula sa akin. Tatanawin kong malaking bagay ang magkaroon ng katahimikan sa ating dalawa. Ito lang ang nakikita kong paraan para naman mahanap ko ang aking sarili at mabuo ang mga bahagi na inilaan ko sa iyo.

Sa iyong tagumpay ilang buwan mula ngayon, alam kong maiinitindihan mo ang mga sinasabi ko sa liham na ito. Saan mang sulok ng mundo ka makarating, sapat na sa akin ang malaman na binago ko ang iyong buhay. Hayaan mong magtagpo tayo sa panahong kaya na nating tumingin pareho sa mata ng isa't-isa. Ngayon kasi ay hindi patas ang takbo nating dalawa.

Hindi dito natatapos ang ating pag-uusap. Balang araw, tayo ay magtatagpo at ipapaintindi ko sa iyo kung saan tayo nagkamali sa relasyon.

Lagi kong dalangin ang iyong kalusugan, kapayapaan at kasiyahan sa piling ng mga taong tunay na nagmamahal sa iyo. Ito rin ang aking dasal para sa iyong pamilya, mga kaibigan at pati na rin sa taong mag-aalaga at gagabay sa iyo.

Maligayang Pasko at Isang Masaganang Bagong Taon.

//Message transmitted 0325 hrs Manila Time: Code Encryption: Nominal
//Point of Origin: LBC Com Relay Station, Sol G2V, Destination: Tholitz Star System

Theory of Insanity

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

- Albert Einstein

---

Mami Athena conducted a training for the special accounts operators yesterday. Apparently, the clients abroad were not happy with how we are handling their user's concerns. Our means of calling their attention to return and use the service does not work anymore. New strategies must be applied to keep them interested in our "I-can-see-the-future" role-playing game.

The quote from Albert Einstein was her introduction. She said that we have been doing the same job for a long time that our old methods have already become a routine. We might not notice how formulaic our responses are, but the users feel that the longer they stay in the service, the more their "personal psychics" sounded like a machine. "It turns them away," Mami Athena explained, "Kumita na kasi ang style niyo."

Her recommendation was to change the way we talk to the users. "A product must have three qualities for it to survive the market," She said. Mami then went to point the three phrases written on the white board. "Personalized Approach, Buzzwords, and Call to Action." Suddenly, we found ourselves having a crash-course in Marketing. Much as her subject felt so alien to me, I knew such knowledge would greatly improve my chances of having a longer chat strings at work.

"If it comes from her, then it must be essential." I said to myself.

"Let's have Tide and Surf as an example," My surrogate mom continued. She then made a gesture as if holding two imaginary sachet in her hands. "Tide has its own market, while Surf sells more than its rival because of its lower price." My head wanders, I do not know anything about laundry soaps. Nevertheless, my ears were all hers. "In order for Tide to survive, it's campaign should have sounded like this..."

I do not know if it was the cold weather or my brooding fears about the family business that was responsible, but staring at Mami's eyes as she spoke in front of us explaining the ins and outs of advertising, suddenly made me remember how it used to be like in high school.

Long before I discovered my gift in writing and long before I discovered my liking for boys, my first love was with business. Back in high school we were given advanced subjects according to our academic capacities. The students who belong to the cream of the crop of the batch took up Bookkeeping. The average ones were assigned to Stenography and Office Management. While we, who were considered the delinquents and below-average were thrown to Salesmanship. It was a mark of embarrassment for many, but it was a wish came true for me.

For two years, I made it a point to achieve excellence in my field of study. We studied theories, consumer behavior, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and so on. We were sent outside the campus to interview entrepreneurs, big businesses and corporations, and for two quarters of the school year, we ran the only corner store allowed in our building.

We were the richest students in the batch.

However, much as I would like to take up Business Administration in College, my weakness in Mathematics pulled me out of the ranks and out of the schools I took entrance exams in fourth year. The summer after graduation, I had to beg my aunt in the Royal Pontifical University to push for my application's reconsideration in the Faculty of Arts and Letters. Fortunately, they saw my potentials and my thrust began to change from selling and starting a business to pursuing the arts and unleashing my creative muses.

Another four years had passed and college molded me to become a man of letters.

As Mami continued to explain our new strategy in winning back our users by using Tide as an example, it came to me that it's never too late to pursue my ancient dream.

"Kapag Tide ang ginamit mo, magkakaroon ka ng mas maraming panahon sa iyong pamilya." Mami was citing an example of a Personal Approach.

"Dahil ang Tide ay mabula at konting kuskos lang, tanggal lahat ng dumi sa damit." She asked one of my colleagues to state what she thought was the buzz words in the sentence. Hesitantly, she answered the words mabula, kuskos and dumi sa damit. My colleague was correct.

"Kaya't ano pa ang iniintay mo misis, bili na ng tide!" Had I heard the example of Call to Action she had given while inside the supermarket, I'd immediately return Ariel back to its shelf and pick Tide instead. Who can blame me, I'm just partial to my Mami.

The refresher course went on for another thirty minutes before she dismissed us so we could take charge of the account left by the shift before on the floor. I still have to see if her new methods would improve the chat strings I make in every text conversation. Nevertheless, I am glad she made me remember my roots in business. It would be something worth exploring the more I feel threatened that my family's way of life might be taken away from us.

As for Albert Einstein and his definition of insanity, It came to me that I'm going around in circles lately. My issues with Phanks and my new-found independence remains unresolved. My fears of starting all over again and falling madly in love with another person hounds me like a restless ghost. And my attempts in putting up walls and closing down my doors and avoiding places of distraction have just boxed me up but it never did something to really improve my well-being.

It's like doing so many related things over and over expecting a different result.

If only it would be easy to come up with a convincing call of action like Mami encourages us to do, I would immediately say yes to what my mind desires me to execute. However, with no plan to hold on to and no clear aim in sight, changes will be easier said than done.

"Just avoid going in circles and aim for the first straight line you will come across..."

What really matters at the moment is that Einstein's theory never applies to me.

Heart Of The Matter

Happy B-day po sayo! May you have many more birthdays to come. Pasensya na po medyo na-late na ako sa pagbati. Pero binati na po kita kahapon sa yahoo messenger. Sana po ay tanggapin mo itong mga munting regalo ko sa iyo. Sana'y ito po ang simula na magkaayos po tayo. Pasensya napo sa lahat-lahat. Alam ko na sobrang sakal ka na sa akin pero tulad ng pinangako ko sa iyo na kahit saan man ako mapunta at kahit ano ang mangyari sa akin, hinding hindi kita makakalimutan. Ikaw at ang family mo. You have contributed so much to my life and I am so thankful for that. Nawa'y pagdating ng tamang panahon na ako'y handang humarap sa iyo, andiyan ka pa rin at di mo ako pagtataguan o pagtatabuyan. I still believe I deserve a second chance. Tao lang ako at may hangganan. Sana'y bago ako makarating sa dulo ng buhay ko mapapatawad mo ako. Wala po akong regrets na makilala at makasama ka pati family mo for more than five years. Alam ko po ang laki ng kasalanan ko pero lahat pinagsisihan ko na yon. Nawa'y you're still open to talk with me anytime. Just remember po, after all my struggles, babalikan ko po kayo at sana that time po may capacity na ako na ikaw naman, kayo, ang tulungan ko. Pangako po yan! I'll always pray to God na swertehin ako sa buhay at kasama kayo lahat sa pangarap kong iyon. Mahal na mahal kita bilang buddy, bilang best friend, bilang kapatid. Wala na siguro ako masasabi pa kay God when the time na namit kita.

Nawa'y magkausap tayo, magkabati at sana'y matanggap mo ako muli.

---

Half-naked,
I slowly walked out of the house
and stepped into the coldness of the street.
Leaning my back against the
the Tamaraw Van's icy hide,
I read his letter word for word,
searching his soul embedded
deep within what he wrote.

I wanted to shed tears, but I cannot.
I wanted to remember, and yet
I am dying to forget.
I tried to suspend my humanity
and put more fuel to the rage

And yet in the end,
after all the eluding and snubbing
and all the whining and resenting;
in the cover of darkness,
I look up in the sky
and began to mumble these words;

may he find solace and comfort
in the loneliest of the night.

Time Space Warp

If there is one wish I have tonight, it is to fall asleep and soon open my eyes standing in front of you. The first thing that will greet my arrival is your big smile. Perhaps, despite our strangeness, you will sense the common beat of our hearts. The blood which passes through your tiny veins, is the same blood that sprouts from my finger when I prick it with a needle. You will never feel any animosity towards my presence, for deep down you know we have always been one.

Of course, your maid will be alarmed. She will grab you by the arm and put you behind her back. Your dad, who took shot of your picture will immediately confront me. I maybe years older than him, but I will never match his fierceness. He was a thug before you were born. Whoever is in the house - your mom, aunts, or even grandparents will surround me. They will ask who I am and where I came from. No matter what excuses I tell, they will never buy it. My fear is that the more they get agitated, the more I will get the attention of neighbors. I might be in for a gang-up, which often happen in our neighborhood before.

As I write this entry, I wonder if you will really sense our connection. Will you cry and call your mommy the moment I attempt to carry you? Will you wiggle your body and kick your feet in the air when I hug you by the waist? Will you know that it is me who showed up one afternoon whose sole intention is to take you out and make you feel like a privileged child for a change?

I am willing to show all my identification cards to your parents - but they will never believe me. Who would buy the idea of a mid-twenties guy going back in time to borrow their two-year old firstborn and take out for a stroll. It's totally absurd - even for a fiction story. They will never listen to my plea, especially your mom who still checks me out whenever I go out at night.

However, if I do get their permission; if they entrust you to my care

I swear to God, I'd make you the happiest toddler in the world.

Given that I only have an afternoon to spend with you - just the two of us - what will I do?

Will I bring you to Santa Clara to give thanks to our patron? Would you want us to eat at McDonalds, Jollibee or in that Magnolia Ice Cream Parlor along Aurora Boulevard? Can you finish your own Spaghetti, French Fries and Cheeseburger all by yourself or should we share it together? The truth is, I do not know how to take care of a two year old.

I never had one.

But just for you kid, I'd be the best guardian I could ever be in this life.

I do not know if there is any Shoemart in your time, but I heard that the Rustan's Department Store is already built out there in the flatlands of Ayala Avenue. If you want, I'd put you on my back and walk around Luneta all afternoon. We would go watch the sunset at the bay together and buy you all the balloons that you want to be tied around your wrist. I'd buy you all the clothes that you need at Good Earth Emporium and Manila COD in Avenida. The toys that your small hands would grab will be all yours with just a smile on your face.

I'd spoil your whims and desires. I'd be the big brother that you wish you ever had. Had I known how to drive, I wouldn't mind renting an Isuzu Gemini and do a joyride around the city where the word traffic still doesn't appear on newspaper bulletins. I'd leave marks of our encounter, which I know, you will figure out as you age in life.

Alas, our time is short and like the brief glimmer of a late-afternoon sun that is about to hide behind the clouds. I would have to return you home to your mom and dad who are waiting for our arrival. They would be worried of course, but with all the toys and clothes that I bought for you - and the pasalubong for them, it is my hope that they would feel relieved and thankful for my presence.

I will exit your timeline with lasting memories of our stroll. When I return to my own time, I will long for the smoothness and softness of your skin. I will miss carrying you around in my arms and on my back. I will miss hugging you. Many empty nights will pass and your voice still echoes in my ears. Your giggles, your cries and your laughter will be the song that will feed my soul. As the thoughts of you keep flooding in, perhaps my desire to have a kid would grow too strong that I'd turn my back from who I am before I went to see you.

As you grow old and become a man like me, it is my wish that you will never suffer an adult life worse than mine. I hope that when you reach the expressways that I missed, you will never miss the ramps that lead to those many-laned roads.

I would be happy to know that my presence made a big impact, but at a tender age like yours,

I doubt if you will ever remember me.

You may not recall our dream-like encounter nor the treat I gave you. The toys we bought at the department stores will be all broken when you reach the age I suddenly thought of getting your photo from my baby album and began writing about you. Yet, in the quietness of space and the restlessness of time; when you look up at the sky at night, or stare at sunsets whenever you take a break from work, maybe,

just maybe you will remember my voice echoing inside your head.

For when you reach the age of 27, you would wish you have given more love to yourself instead of giving it away to others. You would wish you have a son to look after like how I am willing to spend an afternoon looking after you.

You would wish you have been tougher, wiser and more engaging with the things around you.

When you reach the age I will be turning today and never really felt how to have a life for yourself, it is my longing that our brief imaginary encounter will always ring a sweet tune to your heart.



In the silence of Mugenspace.


Thank you God for a year well spent


Happy Birthday... Joms

Si Mister Palengke

“Putang ina ang pinaggagawa mo Gloria sa bayan! Patayin ang Gloria forever chacha na ito.“

Kung nasa tamang pag-iisip lang ako nitong mga nakaraang araw, hindi ko papalampasin ang mga kaganapang ito.

Marami ang nagulat, at marami ang na-upset sa pagiging "unstatesman" daw ng ating butihing Senador. Ngunit kung ako ang iyong tatanungin,

Namutawi lang sa kanyang bibig ang sinisigaw ng puso ng bawat Pilipino.

Come January, I will troop to COMELEC to register. It would be my first time to vote. Tumakbo man siya bilang Pangulo ng Pilipinas o hindi,

nasa kanya na ang aking boto.

Tools Of Aggression (The Final Act)

You can sound the war drums all you want,
but you cannot deny that you are still at peace.

--

If there is nothing that I could say
Turn your back and you just walk away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning

---

I.

It is already dawn.

Anytime now, the sun will rise in the east turning the starless black sky into diffused blue. I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. The air is humid enough to produce tiny beads of sweat on my chest, but the room remains a sight to behold. A Dresser made of wood, painted in white, and stood in a corner beside the curtained wall-to-ceiling glass sliding door gives an impression of opulence. The floor is fully carpeted in beige, and the soft bed, where my weary body rests under the thick sheets is big enough for three people to sleep on. The furniture around me are stuffs of fantasy I only see in my daydreams. In closing my eyes, all I could hear is the song No Ordinary Morning playing over and over inside my head.

Beside me is him, the guy I danced at Government the night before. We are both dressed-down to our boxers. Nothing has happened yet, since he is sleeping next to me. I remember when we arrived last night, he was swinging inside the room when he suddenly dropped face-down on the bed. Meanwhile here I am, still trying to catch some sleep. Perhaps waiting for things to happen has kept me awake all night. Had I not instructed myself to behave, my aggressiveness would have lead to an intimate act between us.

But my presence beside him is beyond my values. I would rather let him call the shots when he wakes up.

II.

The scene inside the room is almost like a dream. There I am rolling over and over in bed while my companion is on a faraway journey in his sleep. All night, he snored so loud, it defeated my attempts to follow his lucid wanderings. Accepting surrender, I content myself wrapping my arms around his waist while occasionally stroking his chest and forehead in which he reacts with a soft whimper.

I could have done more by pulling down his boxers and doing the deed without his consent or kissing his lips hoping he would respond in kind. But I choose to let him have his peace. After all, I think my invitation comes from his need to have a companion; someone who would make him feel secure in a place far away from home. Sex, is just an extra perk. I could leave the place still happy without getting it from him. Choosing me among the hundreds of better-looking boys on the dance floor to keep him company is enough.

Values almost had me decline his offer. Being taken has its limitations and being at the club alone is already a breach of my fidelity. What more if I dive in someone else's bed? But last night, guilt never came to me. After spending all these years being a slave to... I deserve to express this subdued side of mine. To be invited to stay in someone's plush hotel room has never happened before. No other man has ever offered me such opportunity in life.

Not even my one.

III.

After waiting for almost an eternity, he finally stirs from sleep. Bare-chested, he suddenly leaps out of bed, rushing to arrange his things in order before his colleagues knock on the door. I asked if I have to dress up and leave. He never said a word. Instead, he stared at me with his chinky eyes and I went back to hugging him like my childhood superhero. His fair-skinned leanness aroused my sleeping demons and it begin to consume him as well. Soon, he puts his arms around my head and started guiding me down...

...down to the spot that would trigger the deed.

Everything is over in fifteen minutes, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turned out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what impressions suggested on the dance floor. He thought I was a top but when I allowed him to enter me without any resistance, it lead to a union bound to be broken after the daydream is over.

IV.

I was about to leave the room when I thought of showing him the contents of my pockets. Puzzled at the gesture, he asked why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, it is good manners to let the host inspect the things I might be taking out of the room. This small act of honesty, which he appreciated leads to an opening up between us. Conversation about ourselves deepen as we reveal our lives to each another.

Soon, he was telling me he has a girlfriend. I did not bother asking how he is able to swing both ways without his beau being suspicious of his activities. His revelations is enough. He confirms my suspicion that he's a physician attending a conference in Manila. He also confesses that he is far older than what I assumed.

His face and physique however, reveals a younger person.

He asked what my plans are for the future. I said that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he bombards me with a difficult question about my life - if I am happy with it - to which I said I am. However he was able to see beyond the disguise and answered that I appear not. He then proceeds in telling his impression about me; that I am someone who dwells in sadness, gives too much effort on the dramatics and avoids being in the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to conceal it.

I smiled as he say his impressions, but deep inside, the mask I put on my face is slowly melting.

For what he said is true.

He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age of 40 is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old. He thinks highly of himself that his mere suggestion of being handsome and appealing left me nodding in front of him. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, no matter how many troubles come his way.

"Happiness is what makes a person shine. Having a positive outlook in life makes a person feel better about himself."

V.

We talked about different subjects throughout our hour-long conversation. He described his job and the patients he attend to. "Some of them are on the verge of their deaths, but you will be impressed at how they struggle to live - even just a little longer." Our conversation is turning more profound every minute that I begin to see him as an old sage, who, after shagging me that morning, freely gives his wisdom in return.

He took my hand and bought me near the glass sliding door. Pointing his finger at a bunch of trees downstairs, he secluded the lone Fire Tree near the edge of the pool. "The reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the other trees is because it blooms with life." He grips my arm to get my attention. "Have you noticed, it is the only tree that is blooming with colorful flowers." He then connected happiness, with blooming and with life, which, when I'm recalling right now, seems to have no connection at all.

VI.

His last words are, "a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the ordinary trees around it. However, only a euphoric person would appreciate those ordinary trees, more than the flowering fire tree itself."

I find his metaphors too difficult to comprehend. However, when he ends his piece with

"euphoric people are too happy, they find deep beauty even with the most ordinary things."

I understood his point.

While talking about the fire trees and happiness, he reached for his mobile phone to get my number. I told him that my battery died earlier and I would just write down his number instead. Scribbling it down on a piece of paper, my plans were already formed inside my head.

Tomorrow, he will return to the south since he lives there all his life. With his number safely tucked inside my wallet, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.

Looking at his beautiful face for the last time, it dawned to me that our lives are meant to end this way. Our one night stand is a daydream moment and I want it to end that way - no matter how I would long to hear from him before he goes back home.

I just have to learn to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...

So I hugged him tight and told him how much I enjoyed his company. This time, his coldness and distant attitude he showed when he woke up is replaced by a receptive accommodation. We never kissed, yet in our moment of parting, I felt his soul closest to me.

I just hope that while deep in slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my head.

---

And His Name Was Euphoria
May 8, 2006

Odinhood-Mugenblue Pact still applies

Tools Of Aggression (Act Two)

Dear Macoy,

Now, I perfectly understand why you ranted in one of your notty entries how the sight of half-naked guys with big tummies and sagging man-boobies turned you off,when you were the one standing there at the "Mansion's" darkest corners.

I remember your story after a friend, which we will call Kitsune suddenly found himself at the same place you used to call your playground when you were still here in the country. Many months ago, you used to frequent that place. Somehow, your stories inspired him to check the Mansion himself. One night, after boredom suddenly hit him, Kitsune realized that he needed some thrill. "After all," according to him. "The night was still young and so was he."

So he rode a jeep in Buendia going to Taft Avenue. His original plan was to attend a party at Club Government only to find out that he went a week earlier than the supposed event. Embarrassed, he left the club and went to spend the night anyway. The problem was where to go. Palawan was too far away and it would be stressful to go to Cubao from Makati Avanue. He asked me if BED would have a good party vibes on a Thursday night. I told him that the White Party was just days away, so most probably, all the guys are saving their energies at home for this one-night of reckless abandon. Therefore, after he figured out that it would be very shameful to prance alone on the dance floor, he devised a nastier night-out plan instead.

When he reached the intersection of Taft Avenue where the LRT Station casts a dark shadow on the street below, he asked the driver where he would find the jeep going to Pasay City Hall. Being a kind-hearted fellow, the driver dropped him at the corner of Harrison St - half a mile-away from Taft. He then instructed Kitsune to ride whatever jeep that is bound for Baclaran. He got off and crossed Buendia to the opposite side where the jeep going to Baclaran made a temporary stop to load passengers.

Here begins the point of no return. This is where Kitsune accepts the fact that his destination is getting nearer and nearer.

After the jeep passes Libertad, he immediately gazes across the opposite side of the road where the only landmark of the place he is looking for is an old house, whose door is safetly hidden behind a thick wall of stone. Assembling the pieces of memory - from the Wikimapia entry I posted many months ago that exactly pinpoints the spot, to the photograph you took of the place, also a year ago. It didn't take long for Kitsune to discover where the "Mansion" is.

Mustering all his guts, he asked the security personnel guarding the place if he was at the right spot. The guard confirmed his initial assumptions. He then let Kitsune enter the old house where a canopy of plants greeted him. At the far end of the garden lay a glass door that lead to the reception area. Here, he met two other guys who were just about to enter the house of pleasure as well.

Being a first-timer, Kitsune let the men before him be attended first. Observing them, he noticed that the first one was a tall, slim Chinese foreigner, while his companion was a gym-fit, semikal guy. This semikal guy appeared to know the place very well. The Chinese he brought there was a first timer like him. When they finally entered the last door leading to the other side of the reception area, Kitsune asked the attendant the procedures to become a member of the exclusive club.

"May I ask for your ID sir?" The cute, fair-skinned male attendant asked him.

Kitsune gave his school ID.

"Thank you sir," the attendant replied. "You have to pay a membership fee of P250 pesos and another P200 for the locker. Please be informed that cellphones with camera will be only allowed at the locker area."

So he paid a hefty P450 for the locker and membership fee just to get in. Included in his payment were big and small towels and a pair of slippers which he would use inside the club. When the transaction was over, the attendant unlocked the last door that finally revealed what's inside the big house.

"If it is my kind of paradise, I can't help but imagine what carnal things men are doing beyond the lounge area," Kitsune said, while puffing a stick of Malboro Lights. His hand, still shaking while recalling his first-time experience to me.

---

Dark Broken Red Jars
June 22, 2007

Odinhood-Mugenblue Pact still applies

Dream Journals Seventeen

If there is really a thing called fate, mine is to begin relationships with a one night stand. I cannot help it, the only way I'd openly express my emotions is when I become intimate with the person I like. It was never my habit to speak my feelings, and I guess I would never have the balls to say it straight. A dream had given me an insight as to what would happen if I change my ways.

---

4:49 AM
Vignette composed using a Mobile Phone;
A few minutes after I was stirred from sleep

I had a dream this morning. In that dream I had a girl crush. I remember her about to perform an impromptu Aria for a selected audience. Being under her spell, I did my best to help her prepare. I always bought this big book of songs she can choose from for her performance. What I got in return for all the effort I poured was an attitude. In a fit of rage, I confronted her as to why she had to push me away. I asked why put up a sour mood after all that I've done. Sharp, hurtful words flew and she received the brunt of my anger.

Then I realized later while waiting for her to perform that it doesn't have to end that way...

-end of dream-

---

The dream had catapulted me back to a time when courtships had me suffer a string of heartaches which I never fully recovered.