Vigil

I.

Midnight.

Silence echoes through the long lonely corridor that serves as the lounge for people holding vigils for ICU patients. Opposite my bench is a small door that leads to the room where my lola's frail body lies.

Being the family member to hold the vigil for the night, I would have to fend off sadness and boredom alone in that silent corridor. My mom was even concerned that I might sleep and forget my duties, while my lola falls in the brink of "passing over". But since everybody was quite confident (and relieved) that someone from the "kids generation" volunteered to watch over her, they turned over the responsibility to me as they slept and rested in their respective homes.

II.

My first order for the night was to actually scout for cuties who were also staying overnight. Aside from being constantly reminded of the erotic stories I've read or heard involving medical staffs in hospitals, I also need to at least talk to someone in order to avoid getting sleepy. Staying overnight, alone and restless in a place one would least wanted to be should at least make an effort to divert ones thoughts from being negative to neutral, if not irrelevant.

Speaking of cuties, there was this one semikal guy from the bench not far from mine. He is around 5 ft. 7, moreno, lean and had small cute eyes. He was also staying overnight to look after her mom who had been to surgery after suffering from Cerebral Aneurysm.

After having a chit chat with her husband. I found out that it happened while they were having aerobics session in CCP that same morning when my lola suddenly slumped on her bed. In fact, she was just a couple of beds away from where my Lola lied when she was rushed in the ER.

III.

The interesting guy was 26 years old. He is currently unemployed but his father said that he helps run the family business. Actually, he was not that attractive. Maybe, the reason why he caught my attention is because we are the youngest people in that room last night.

A couple of times, I tried to approach him. But being proud and embarassed at the same time, I just decided to ignore him. This morning, when I woke up, I caught him staring at me. Then when he passed in front of me, he showed some nice gestures recognizing my presence.

Perhaps it would be the last time I would see him and his beautiful relatives for we found out that his mother would be prematurely disharged from the ICU.

Her chances of surviving has already fallen beyond hopeful levels...

IV.

The temperature was extremely chilling that it made some of the guests beside me complain about the bitter cold air. My mom and my sister kept me company until close to midnight.

Before they left, the attending physician informed them that despite aggressive efforts to save our lola, the blood had spread in all directions of her brain, which rarely happens in terms of medical cases.

It was said that despite utmost care and medication, she will only have less than 2 days to live.

Two days to wait before my last uncle arrives from the states.

V.

Looking back, it wasn't really as painful as everyone would imagine. At 84, she had succesfully become the matriarch of the entire clan. She had lived long enough to see most of her children, nieces, nephews and even grandchildren have families and become successful in their respective careers.

She had a life well lived, and despite her complete blindness and advance stages of Alzheimer's disease, she remained strong and healthy for an old woman thanks the the vitamins and food supplements given to her by her children.

Her imminent passing was not really a surprise for us. The signs, warnings and dreams were already present. All that matters is the time of her passing.

A day before she was rushed in the ER, Lola told her bestfriend-neighbor that she would have to pack her things as soon as possible because she was finally leaving, whether my aunt approves it or not. Her friend, who was an elderly woman like her thought that it was one of her typical rhetorics about leaving my aunts house and moving back to her old home in Sta. Mesa.

But what's really scary was that after figuring out all her claims of leaving, of moving out of her aunt's house, and her desires of going back to her old home; one would see a gradual build up of her desire to leave. That this passing was already in place for a very long time.

We are still waiting for two more relatives to arrive from the United States. The first one would arrive tomorrow at 4 am, the final one might arrive the same day, only 16 hours later.

After that... maybe, it's time to finally say

Goodbye.

In Her Peace

We thought that she was just sleeping... that it was just a mere deep sleep she's going through.

For 24 hours, we patiently waited, prayed and hoped that one moment she would just open her eyes and wonder where she was and what happened to her.

After all, the doctors haven't had the slightest idea about her illness. All the laboratory test leads to normalcy. And with that thought in mind, the mood in the hospital was cheerful, if not optimistic.

We waited and waited... until the dreams were turning into nightmares. It was already past 24 hours and her condition remained the same. It never changed.

Come Saturday afternoon, I woke up late since I went out with my college straight friends for a reunion. I partied that entire night just to divert my thoughts away from sadness.

My sister and I were planning to leave home early so that we could be there to keep our aunt company. At that moment, we were advised by my mom that our lola would be transferred to the ICU if things would stay the same.

The thought of staying in the ICU delayed our departure from home. My reasoning tells me that maybe we would never have a place to stay. Perhaps, there were a lot of relatives over there. Besides, such place still bears some painful wounds in me. A year is not enough for some past to be forgotten that easily.

So instead, after eating our lunch, we went back to do our own affairs. I played Civilization 4 till late in afternoon; until the game made me sleepy from playing it.

My mom arrived from her meeting in the evening. She and my sister immediately prepared to leave, while I made up an excuse just to see Phanks since we haven't seen each other for a week. I told my mom that I would pay a visit to the Nazareno to pray for my grandmother.

---

In the church, my mind was in disarray. I tried to focus while praying but I wasn't really paying attention to what I'm saying. My mind tells me that her time to leave is at hand.

That the Almighty is seriously thinking of calling her back, so that she would not suffer anymore.

One hour after my mom and my sister arrived in the hospital, I found myself at the very doors of the ICU. They were teary eyed when I saw them at the corner. Before that, my aunt forewarned me that my lola's condition turned worse. She had already oxygen tube inserted on her throat to help her breathe better.

---

The whole ICU room was depressing. Sometimes, I still wonder how those people over there cope up with the fact that the place is a manifestation of sadness and loneliness here on Earth. Patients come, most them leave covered be a white blanket over their body. The ICU lounge wasn't a relief either: A designated elbow room space at the sides of the ICU itself. Some dearly companions stay there to hold a vigil, most stay to relax and take a deep breath before proceeding to the room to see loved ones in their most frail and sorry state.

If only they play classical music in that place. Perhaps, it would strike a balance between sadness and peace.

We left before midnight to pick up my sister who decided to pay a visit at a nearby Derma Clinic. We arrived home way past my bedtime. Good thing, I had enough sleep to wake up at 5 am in the morning.

---

The sun came and silence prevailed in the family. The routine was already drawn up when suddenly at around 11 am in the morning.

The news broke out.

My lola suffered a massive bleeding on her brain at 3 am in the morning.

For several weeks, she compained that her life nowadays has been a misery to her. Being blind, and suffering from advanced signs of Alzheimer's Disease. It seems like a prayer has been answered.

Lola, won't wake up anymore.

While She Is Sleeping

I was in a state of waking dreams when the news arrived to me.

It was about my grandmother. My sister told me that she was just merely asking for a glass of warm milk, when suddenly her caregivers saw her slumped on her bed. It appears she was sleeping but whenever they try to wake her up, she simply doesn't respond.

Fifteen minutes into infinity, the news started to spread out. One of my aunts could not believe what happened, for hours earlier, she was as active as a goat, or a cow, or whatever animal that could describe her frail but active state.

My mom's sister who is in charge of taking care of her was already on her way back home. She is a doctor, so at least the hassles in getting into a hospital and even into admission was taken care of.

As the nation celebrated the victory of a hero, we were on the verge of a frantic state. Maybe the only consolation to everything that is happening was that, at least my grandmother appears to be sleeping. There were no traces of throwing off or an obvious appearance that she just had a stroke.

When we arrived at the emergency room at around lunch, we find her still sleeping... and unconcious. The doctors, couldn't find any apparent problem when they diagnosed her. It appears that she was just in a "deep sleep" and nothing more.

---

However, the hospital where she was admitted still bears some of the most painful memories I've ever had recently. It was the same emergency room where my dad briefly stayed, and proclaimed serious... before he was transferred to PGH only to pass away days later.

It was the same hospital where my mom was rushed after she had an accident in our bathroom hours before my 23rd birthday.

And the time of our arrival was also the same time we arrived only to wait for the ambulance that was carrying my dad.

The memories remain, but for some reasons, I am calmer and less upset than the last two episodes I had with the same place.

---

Now, it's been eight hours already and still she is "sleeping."

No matter how we try to wake her up, she just responds slighty, but there is no apparent and clear response that she is already concious.

Still, the doctors are conducting test to find out what happened. It might be a small stroke, but there's no concrete proof to support that. Maybe something else had happened.

But whenever I remember what my mom told me several days ago. When I remember how her mother complained that she is already tired of her life, her old age, her fragility.

I cannot help but think, she's already up for some good rest.

It may not be a permanent one, but still her body needs to cope up.

Besides, despite my apparent capacity to sense people who are about to pass away, this one remains vague and unclear.

I just hope that it's still not time for her to go, and that her soul is just recuperating

I hope she would be given a little more time...

---

I rest my head
Between the bed and sky
Download my dread
Disarm my mind
Make it dry

- Dishwalla, Until I Wake Up

Breather Two

For twenty five days, I survived by living on my basic salary alone.

It was, the hardest thing I have felt lately. Imagine earning around 4K only to loose it in paying your phone and cable bills alone. Imagine putting a stand in life with just mere 800 pesos to make you survive.

If I wasn't thinking long term, I would have been crippled already. Good thing, I can always rely on my savings for dear life. I even dated Phanks using my savings.

But what really matters is that... at long last, rain is beginning to come. The drought we suffered is coming to a close.

I just hope that it would give us relief long enough for me...

to resestablish myself.

Mother/Daughter Moments

While having a chitchat with my mother:

Me: Ma, ang ganda naman ng damit niyo kanino galing?

Mom: Kay Phanks

Me: O talaga?

Mom: Yan kaya yung pamasko niya sakin

Me: (approaching mom checking the fabric of the cloth) Ang lambot naman.

I was about to leave the room after checking the fabric of the cloth when...

Mom: Kamusta na si Phanks?

Me: Ewan ko dun.

Mom: Anong ewan, hindi ba kayo ganun kadalas mag-usap ni Phanks?

At this point, I was getting quite distured already...

Me: Hindi naman madalas

Mom: Magkaaway ba kayo?

Me: Hindi ah!

---

They say, mother knows, even if their children doesn't tell...

And based from our conversation a while ago, it seems like her concern and curiousity leads to the fact that despite my attempts of cover-up,

Mom knows I have a boyfriend.

A boyfriend she got quite familiar already after two and a half years.

Refleeting

Napanood ko lang siya sa eye-witness nung isang gabi.
Featured story nila ang lumalaganap na mga "scandal"
na nagkalat sa bangketa tuwing naglalakad tayo.
Merong Dumaguete Scandal,
Cotabato Scandal,
Cindy Curleto Scandal...
at kung hindi ako nahihimbang, pati
Gloria Macapagal Arroyo Scandal nakita
ko nang nilalako sa bangketa.

Kelang kaya ako makakahanap ng Mahal at Jimboy Scandal?

---

Anyways, sa pangalawang segment ng programa nila,
nag-interview sila ng dalawa lalaking sex workers
na lumabas sa ganitong mga porno.
Grabe, sa mata natin ay mga pinirata lamang
ang mga CDs nila, pero... tiba-tiba ang natatanggap
nitong mga "artistang" to.

Yun nga lang, marami sa kanila ang nagogoyo,
at napapaniwalang sa ibang bansa ito lalabas at hindi
sa mismong bakuran nila.

---

Kaya kanina, Nang mapadpad ako sa Quiapo matapos
ang paghahanap ko ng sarili sa Ayala, dumaan ako
sa aking paboritong eskinita kung saan ang lahat ng mga
ito ay nilalako.

Putsa, parang kailan lang, mga VCD ang bentahan dito.
pagbalik ko kanina, mas marami na ang DVD na binebenta.
Pero hindi nga nagkamali ang eye-witness.
Matapos ang ilang taong paghahanap, nakakita rin
ako nitong sinasabi nilang mga M2M kung saan
mga "straight" na bayaran ang kanilang mga artista.

---

In fairness, masarap pala mag-romansahan ang isang
kargador at tambay.

Service

Habang naglalakad sa Ayala kanina,

sumagi sa isip ko ang isang thread sa PEx

kung saan ang pinag-uusapan ng mga lalaki ay tungkol sa

mga massage parlor. Nakalahad dun sa thread na yun

ang mga address at feedback ng mga ilang massage parlor na

napuntahan na ng mga nagsipag-bahagi ng kanilang kuro-kuro

tungkol sa usapang iyon.

---

Ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan, tatlo sa mga

kakilala ko ang nagtungo sa mga ganitong lugar

upang magpamasahe.

Shempre, kasama na dun ang "extra" service na

ang ilan sa kanila ay ipinagmalaki pa sa akin.

Sabagay, nakakatempt... sariwa pa sa akin ang

kapapanood ko pa lang na pelikulang

masahista, nung isang taon.

Sa kwento nila, parang nakabuhay ito ng dugo

para bang sa aking isip, biglang sumagi duon

ang di nalalayong panahon ng aking paglalakbay

sa ganung lugar...

---

Pero, ano nga ba ang mapapala ko dun?

Hahayaan ko na naman bang ako ay magkasala

kapalit ang isang bagong karanasan? Makukuha

ko ba ang ninanais ko sa mga ganung lugar

Ito ba'y makakapag-paangat ng aking estado?

Ito ba'y panahon ng digmaan?

Sa pag-iisip, biglang sumagi sa isip kong

sakali mang umabot ako sa dulo ng pagkabagot

at hindi na napigil ng aking kunsensya ang

tawag ng aking laman,

Nang dahil sa isang

matinding kadahilanan ay

nakita ko ang aking sariling nag-sosolo sa ganung

mga lugar.

Tiyak, kasama dun ang extra service...

Pero sa pagsasamantala yun, hindi kaya

sadyang nakakadiri ang pumatol sa kapwa

na nanggaling at natikman na ng kung sino sino

Na ang nagpapaligaya sayo ay nagpaligay na sa iba

at sa ibang... ni sa iyong pantasya ay kahit kailan

hindi mo tatanggapin?

Parang pa ata kaya ng powers ko tumanggap ng ganun...

Kaya hayun, kung gaano siya kabilis sumagi

sa aking isip, ganun rin siya kadaling nawala.

Kung nung dati, tumatawa lang ako sa kolboy,

ngayon pa kayang na-domesticate na ako.

Tama na sigurong magkamali...

noong straight pa ako.

Na makalipas na ang limang taon,

dala dala pa rin ng kunsensya ko

ang mga ala-ala ng gabing yun.

Voices From The Netherworld

On the last night of the full moon, a friend asked me to accompany her in a business meeting.

As it turns out, I, a self-proclaimed proud homo would act as her security. I would have to ensure that her business associates would not do something harmful that would violate her.

After all, she is a lipstick lesbian.

For hours, I explored the area where the meeting is being held. In her absence, the emptiness of the night reminds me of some earlier time when I used to breathe the same cold lonely air the night provided.

While having a pleasant stroll around the heart of Ermita, I encountered some familiar scenes that once reminded of my own...

Young guys who sits on the pavement as if waiting for someone.

Jologs ladies who are actually hawking for some quickie escapades with some expat passersby.

Foreigners and their little brown Filipina wives with their entire families having a coffee at Starbucks.

And there are some big people as well, having a cup of coffee while engaging in a small talk that probably would spell the end or the expansion of their respective fortunes.

Alone in my table, these scenes are once part of my own... when I was still working for my dad who runs his fledging empire across the horizon.

And now that we who have remained are almost approching its twilight, I cannot help but feel bitter and resentful about the things that I should have done, when there is still time.

It seems like I haven't fully moved on despite my blatant claims of emancipation.

---

Two hours have already passed and these scenes are beginning to dusturb me.
For some reasons, I don't want to be reminded of them anymore - these pseudo nightmares that I am trying so hard to flush out from my memory.

In the confusion of things, I saw this one ad in an expat newspaper advertising a condo unit that is just starting to rise somewhere in the east.

The image in the advertisement shows a picture of a big bedroom, and a see-through bathroom with a ceramic tub in one corner.

This picture once filled my thoughts, during a time when having my own condo was just within my wallet's reach.

But you know what, I find it ironic that now when I can finally be able to buy my own car, things simply can't happen without sacrificing a huge deal of what I have built this past year.

Now that I am still in the process of trying to figure out what to do with my life - to the point of eradicating it in exchange for a better one - which still lies deep inside my daydreams...

This night once again drew the line between what is unattainable, and what is possible.

The business meeting my friend is conducting at this moment, might, in Almighty's grace may spill on my fortunes in the near future.

However, the scary reality that I haven't recieved my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tells us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

This night has been full of revelations. Fueled by some dark and painful past, it may again kick some fears that would distrupt my normal sleeping routine tonight.
For two days, I have been in communion with the night, with the moon and the stars
And for some reasons, they have become dreaded strangers, not the one I embraced while my sentience is still in slumber.

Freedom Nights

For XP, in his pursuit of bliss on a moonlit saturday night...

---

It was a Saturday midnight, like tonight. Wearing my best party gear and the libido of the youth burning inside me, I lock the door of our apartment. Walking towards the unlit streets somewhere in Quezon City, my mind seems to travel elsewhere. The night is still young, I told myself, since I haven't had a popoy in over a week, why night attempt to find one in Malate on cold night like this.

Walking past Visayas and into the great Circle, I stand where the callboys often stand while waiting for their customers. At the horizon, eyes were turning towards me. It seems like they have seen me, felt my urges, understood my calling. Too bad, no matter how tempting they were, I have my own calling. Like them, my adventure is waiting for me, somewhere far beyond.

The full moon rises in the east, the sky was all clear and some of the brightest stars would appear. Despite the bitter wind, I would bravely stand against the freezing temperature, while waiting for a cab, or a jeep or whatever form of transport that would take me to the place I called home.

No matter how long it would take or dangerous the streets maybe, what matters is that I arrived there, even if it takes forever.

---

"Oh my god, I never realized how my work out paid off, until now..."

---

After paying the 100 peso entrance fee, the darkness begins to surround me. Walking proudly among the gym buffs and the beautiful people, I would make my way up to the second floor. Madonna’s Like A Prayer Remix blared from the speakers while discreet stares are given to those who deserve it.

Then I would stand against the wall, while I carrying a bottle of Red Horse. The ledge dancers performed their sexiest dances on the platform. The small space is beginning to get cramped with men who have different reasons for being there. However, since it was dark and very hot, beneath the veil of distance and apathy towards one another there is a single pulse in everyone that says we offer the night for fun.

Come what may, what's important is I find my one tonight.

At past two, the party starts to rev up. Amidst the shadows, one would see two human forms dancing; their bodies beginning to merge into some sort of temporal singleness while their hands are all over the place.

This is how trade happens at home. Sooner, I will find my own partner as well.

At a moment, some guy would come close who would check you out while dancing to the music. If the guy finds you hormonally interesting, they would attempt to come close hoping they would get your interest. The same way happens to you: You find a guy cute, you show your moves and in a split second

You found yourself a partner.

Soon, you become too close as you danced with him that your bodies begin to merge as one. Depending on how serious or how interested the guy towards you, the merging you created sometimes turn into a bond... that lasts for months.

Yet in most occassion, such merging wouldn't last an hour. After several songs, passionate kisses and blantant make outs somewhere around the corner. You find your self alone and starting the cycle all over again.

I guess this is the way it is with single people. You sometimes find temporal companionship in a night's dance of ecstasy. As the music gets wild, the more you are tempted to act wilder. The more you move your body in a way that attracts everyone, the higher the chances you end up with someone.

Some nights, the party extends until late morning, when one wakes up in some other's bed. It happens to those who are gifted, but for someone who is as ordinary as me. Moments like those are remembered for eternity. Who would ever forget the wildest hell-on-earth episode, as well as with the infamous bout with mamasang? Who would forget that I found my first lover, out of someone I had... in a motel?

Those were the wild days. And in some bittersweet nights like tonight, I still remember them.

Several years have passed. After having a brief reminder from time to time of an orgasm exploded in some sticky dark-room floor, or some mouths if things get really nasty... After hearing some familiar tune on your mp3s reminding you of some of the songs you once danced. And after seeing two guys merged into one, as they danced the night in some other dance floor.

You get to realize that things you have mastered before, will eventually come to pass.

And when some close friend tells you how good it is to be free... to be alone among some lonely guys in a dancefloor, in your mind, the thoughts of two male figures dancing in the shadows suddenly tells me that not long before,

It was I who used to be dancing in the shadows.

Friday The Thirteenth

Sabi ni Pipay gawan ko daw siya ng entry. Pero wala naman akong maisip isulat. Siguro nasa karimlan pa rin ang aking muse kaya heto't ambon pa rin ang publish ng mga entry ko.

Labing limang araw na ang lumipas ngunit hindi ko pa rin tiyak kung kailan kami swe-sweldo ng nanay ko galing sa aming negosyo. Tsk. Nauubos na ang resources ko buti na lang at may nag nagrereplenish dito galing sa aking trabaho. Tag-hirap daw kasi ang security agency eh, kaya heto kami't sumasalo sa kanilang financial shortage.

---

Lately busi-busihan ako sa paghahanap ng mai-dadate kay Pipay. Pano ba naman tong tropa kong to, masyadong mapili pagdating sa lalaki. Virgin pa kasi eh, kaya andaming arte. Sabi ko sa kanya, magpost siya ng pic niya sa G4M. Tutal, barakong barako naman siya. Di naman siya kapangitan, at kahit paano, makapangyarihan naman ang alindog niya... pero ayaw naman niya.

Aayain mo siya mag-clubbing sa BED o kaya sa Government isang weekend sasabihin niya, wala naman siyang time. Kung hindi naman oras ang nirereklamo, sinasabi niya marami daw bakla dun... Para namang siya hindi. Haha. Paano ko ba matutulungan ang isang taong masaya na sa maliit na mundong ginagalawan niya? Hindi ka naman pwede mag-set ng booking at baka laitin ang kinilala mo para sa kanya. Ang buhay nga naman.

Minsan dahil na rin sa wala akong maisip na paraan, (at paulit-ulit na pangungulit niya tuwing umaga sa YM) balak ko sanang subukan magchat sa #salsalan para ako na mismo ang magkalat ng number niya at siya na ang bahalang mamili kung sinong lalaki ang unang titikim sa kanya (o vice versa).

Pero kung titingnan mo sa isang anggulo, hindi mo rin lubus lubusang magawa kasi natatakot ka na baka mangyari sa kanya ang nangyari sayo. Naniniwala kasi ako na ang sex ay parang Pringles. Kapag nabuksan mo na, hindi mo na titigilan. Lalo pa sa katulad niya na mukhang maraming lakas na tinatago.

Siguro bilang isang kanyang kaibigan, gumagana lang ang pagiging protective ko sa kanya.

Kaya't heto back at one ulit kami. Siguro hindi pa napapanahon na siya ay magkaroon ng lalaki, anuman ang sabihin niyang ready na siya para sa ganun. Bah! Inabot rin ako ng walong buwan bago makatikim ng hotdog, at gaya niya ang hirap rin i-handle ng pressure, lalo na't marami sa nakikilala mo noon ay bihasa na pagdating sa M2M.

Mapalad lang siguro ako' t mas nauna kong nakilala ang mga taong matino ang pakikitungo sa akin. Kaya heto, karamihan sa kanila ay kasama ko pa. Sana maging successful ang paglalakad ko kay Pipay kay Panday. Sa tingin ko kasi, nagcocomplement ang interest nilang dalawa.

---

Ilang araw na lang at apat na taon na akong nabubuhay na ganito ang preference. Nagsimula akong tanggapin ang sarili ko na 'Bi' hanggang nauwi sa pagiging full pledged na bading. Malay ko bang after all those times, cool lang ako maging homosexual.

Minsan, nakakamiss pa rin kapag naaalala ko ang mga first times: Ang aking first kiss, first love sa kapwa mo "bisexual', Ang first time mong lumabas sa closet, first time mong makipag-eyeball sa kapwa mo PLU. Ang bilis talaga ng lahat. Parang kailan lang, bago sayo ang mga bagay bagay.

Ngayon, natatawa ka nalang sa mga taong na-ooverwhelmed sa kanilang bagong mundo ilang araw matapos silang mag-out.

Kaya minsan, kapag nakakaencounter ako ng mga taong nakakaranas ng mga first time, sinasabi ko na lang sa sarili ko...

Minsan nanggaling rin ako sa ganyan. Nakakalungkot lang dahil pagkatapos ng first time... pagkatapos ng kaba, ng pagiging uneasy, ng pagiging shonga at baliw dahil sa isang lalaki.

Sanay ka na sa lahat... Maangas ka na pagdating sa affairs ng mga bading.

Dear Me

Friend: Isasara mo na blog mo?

Me: Hindi naman

Me: Nakahibernate lang, wala akong maisip isulat eh.

Friend: Edi kwento mo ang nangyayari sa buhay mo...

---

It's been a while since I last conveyed my thoughts to you. It seems like my muse went offline and I am having a hard time expressing the things I would like to here. There were times when I am alone, my mind suddenly composes the first thoughts I would like to say, but whenever I begin composing those thoughts in front of the computer, they simply fades from my mind. It's like, they were so easy to grasp when I don't need to hold them, but when I am actually about to grab my thoughts to put them for eternity's sake, they simply fly away like wild birds avoiding capture.

It's been hard to be away from you. For several days, I avoid being reminded of phanksmaster that's why I didn't read other blogs as well. In silence, I just wanted to be alone. My world seems to crumble anyways. It's been 10 days already but I haven't recieved my salary from the security agency. I've heard that they were having a hard time looking for lenders to borrow money.

But you know what, if ever I have achieved anything during the silence, it's the realization of how powerful writing is. Because of a letter I composed thanking an organization president for forgiving us my father's debt, he and his associates were so moved that they extended their generosity and decided to leave us in peace. My mom asked me to compose such kind of letters once again to give it to another company which my father owes a huge sum of money. I just hope that my letter's appeal would once again move those who would read it.

Still, whenever I think of the things I would write in my blog, the first thoughts were about my entry's purpose. Eon was right, we sometimes question the things we put on our blog. Lately, I even beginning to question to whom my journal is addressed. Is it for my future? Or just as it has always been, Phanksmaster is my security blanket? There were also times when I having an identity crisis about my writing style... I don't know about other writers but there were some occassions when I look down at my writing style and brand it hopeless. Maybe I'm just not really comfortable with the way I write; maybe it's just part of my continuous searching.

Until then. I hope I could follow you with another entry very soon. Hopefully, by the time I end this entry, my muse had finally returned. It's still the beginning of the year and many many things would surely happen. May it be good or bad, bitter or even sweet, I hope phanksmaster would still be for them to be remembered.

See you around.

Lovelots,

XXX

The Circle Goes On, Beyond Phankspace

A story is like a circle, it has a beginning and it will eventually come to an end. And when the end has finally come, one would be surprised, that another story begins. It's like a perpetual line going in circles over and over, until there's no more circle to draw; until new papers have come to replace the old ones.

After sharing my life with this blog for almost two years , at the very end,

I'm afraid that words are beginning to leave me.

I'm really sorry guys, if ever this would be last.

Brip (Dear Diarya Imitation ReMix)

Dear Baklita,


Ang hirap palang mabuhay
ng matiwasay kapag wala kang mga
kasambahay sa bahay...





Lalo na kapag mismong underwear na susuutin
mo na lang ay nakadepende pa sa
laundry ng yaya.


smells like teen singit pa ren,
bottomesa number sixty nine

Johnny Walker

The surreal image of a peaceful night shrouded by a thick fog; of empty desolate vacant lots full of talahib grass and random cars who you imagined would stop beside you, lower their windows and from inside, a stranger would just shoot you just for tripping.

The long walk from my aunts place to the main road in hopes of finding a trike that would bring you to the main terminal where a lone jeepney was waiting to take you from Bicutan to Pasay while right beside you was the dark, unlit superhighway hidden beneath a veil of thick fog, empty of vehicles that usually filled that busy throughfare; the oneness with the masses as you force yourself inside a cramped ordinary bus at Edsa as you realize that youre actually living the real world where ordinary wageworkers fight their way just to arrive on time in their respective jobs.

And finally, the victory of arriving at work on time, just as you have planned for the first day of 2006.

---

These were my adventures during the early hours of 2006.

For almost two weeks since the Outsiders Christmas Party, to the last hours of New Years Day at home. The thought of oneness with my loved ones was what made my heart at peace...

I found out that in serenity; in the perfection of things that have become part of your most cherished tradition; of inner simple wishes being granted; of feeling perky whenever the thought of being blessed by the Creator made me stopped blogging for the past several days.

The joy I was enjoying had completely made me wordless.

And now that 2006 has begun...

I hope that I would have better and brighter stories to post and remember for this year. In my heart, I wish that the nightmares of the past year would finally leave us in peace.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!