It’s no secret that lately, I’ve been actively engaging myself in G4M and IRC. At times, it often comes to a point where I openly flirts with the guy I’ve been exchanging messages to. In most extreme cases, I even give hints that I’m interested in hooking up with them – just to run away from the loneliness and frustration I often feel lately.
The rift between me and him grows steady by the week – but I’m not really sure if he knows or he even feels it already. Perhaps I might be so good at hiding it, or he is just too insensitive to notice my grievances in us. It has relatively been a one way street most of the time – if I get any consolation, he knows how to reciprocate intimacy given to him – as long as he is not preoccupied with something else.
Ours is a deep one – he is a regular guest at home which, apparently exposes my preference to my family; I enjoy boundless independence under him – which I try to regulate by extreme means whenever I am alone; And he treats me like his best friend. He claims that I am the closest person to him more than his family.
We have been compatible in a different kind of level, that’s why we have been surviving until now. But lately, I am beginning to see the difference between the two of us. Sometimes, the imperfections I see in him, far outweighs the reasons why I should still stay.
Sometimes, it makes me contemplate whether there’s a sense of holding on to him, now that I am feeling more and more independent alone.
---
But you know what,
As I move my forces toward liberation, the more I hold on to the fact that we have been so deeply connected to one another, that such freedoms, whether it maybe achieved at all may fail sooner than I think.
The thought of him, living alone and facing the world all by himself with all his vulnerabilities still remain in my psyche. Whenever such thoughts stumble in my consciousness, a surge of old emotions begin to fill me. It reminds me of all the times I’ve been there for him when he needed me most.
And when he talks to me, and tells me all his grievances at the end of the day, the bitterness and hatred I feel towards him is suddenly being replaced by a need to protect him – to make him feel secure and better even at the cost of my own vulnerabilities.
I just don’t know… perhaps I am meant to love this way. Despite my strong views and advises I give to everyone, in my own playing field – where my vulnerable emotions is at stake, I tend to be less harsh and more patient. I tend to appear weak and compromising, for a person who has played a very important part of my PLU life.
I guess this is how you separate love from mere infatuation. Love tends to be more patient and more permanent, while infatuation tends to come and go – no matter how strong and deep those feelings u felt were while under its spell.
Love is like an old mango tree that has been bounded to the land for a very long time. It doesn’t get uprooted easily, no matter how many flood currents and mudslides strips away the things that hold the tree and the land together.
Infatuation may never have such kind of binding.
As for me and him, the threat of unbinding still remains. It may grow worse in time... it may also lead to harmony we have never felt before. But no matter what happens, and no matter where we would lead eventually.
One thing remains.
I know in my heart that I love him more than I have ever loved myself.
And if such time of partings would happen,
I am pretty sure that this would be the first time I would really feel hurt. I may never rise again from such kind pain.
The rift between me and him grows steady by the week – but I’m not really sure if he knows or he even feels it already. Perhaps I might be so good at hiding it, or he is just too insensitive to notice my grievances in us. It has relatively been a one way street most of the time – if I get any consolation, he knows how to reciprocate intimacy given to him – as long as he is not preoccupied with something else.
Ours is a deep one – he is a regular guest at home which, apparently exposes my preference to my family; I enjoy boundless independence under him – which I try to regulate by extreme means whenever I am alone; And he treats me like his best friend. He claims that I am the closest person to him more than his family.
We have been compatible in a different kind of level, that’s why we have been surviving until now. But lately, I am beginning to see the difference between the two of us. Sometimes, the imperfections I see in him, far outweighs the reasons why I should still stay.
Sometimes, it makes me contemplate whether there’s a sense of holding on to him, now that I am feeling more and more independent alone.
---
But you know what,
As I move my forces toward liberation, the more I hold on to the fact that we have been so deeply connected to one another, that such freedoms, whether it maybe achieved at all may fail sooner than I think.
The thought of him, living alone and facing the world all by himself with all his vulnerabilities still remain in my psyche. Whenever such thoughts stumble in my consciousness, a surge of old emotions begin to fill me. It reminds me of all the times I’ve been there for him when he needed me most.
And when he talks to me, and tells me all his grievances at the end of the day, the bitterness and hatred I feel towards him is suddenly being replaced by a need to protect him – to make him feel secure and better even at the cost of my own vulnerabilities.
I just don’t know… perhaps I am meant to love this way. Despite my strong views and advises I give to everyone, in my own playing field – where my vulnerable emotions is at stake, I tend to be less harsh and more patient. I tend to appear weak and compromising, for a person who has played a very important part of my PLU life.
I guess this is how you separate love from mere infatuation. Love tends to be more patient and more permanent, while infatuation tends to come and go – no matter how strong and deep those feelings u felt were while under its spell.
Love is like an old mango tree that has been bounded to the land for a very long time. It doesn’t get uprooted easily, no matter how many flood currents and mudslides strips away the things that hold the tree and the land together.
Infatuation may never have such kind of binding.
As for me and him, the threat of unbinding still remains. It may grow worse in time... it may also lead to harmony we have never felt before. But no matter what happens, and no matter where we would lead eventually.
One thing remains.
I know in my heart that I love him more than I have ever loved myself.
And if such time of partings would happen,
I am pretty sure that this would be the first time I would really feel hurt. I may never rise again from such kind pain.
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