Home/Alone

I would always claim that I am an island. I could always live on my own. In fact, some years ago when dad was still with us, I have managed to keep an apartment under my parent's noses. If not for the big problem that arised no thanks to our defunct publishing business, they would never know that I am prepared to declare my independence anytime I wanted.

I can leave the house and never to return again if I've been pissed off big time.

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Two years had passed, mom and I decided to hold our home together while my father is away with his 24-year old mistress. By then, my housemates and I decided to part ways and seek our own existence beyond our little nook. Gradually, I took the role of being a homebuddy. Without a major income to support my Friday nightouts - and having a job that demands more work time than personal social functions, by the end of my sixth month in that company, my roots were already placed firm within our home's foundation.

I have finally declared that I cannot leave the house and stay overnight without the assurance that anytime I want, I could return home and address any problems that may arise while I am away.

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Dad passed away a year after and his responsibilities were officially turned over to me. With such responsibility came bitter enforcement of rules. My sister, who was very active in her "organization" kept her most of the time in their meetings, which often extends way beyond midnight. Being the man of the house, I was the most vocal against her night activities, which left me and my mom short of sleep the following day.

Our fights flared up because I wanted everyone to stay inside the house when nightime comes. I have become a home person because of my mom's vision of what a family is for us.

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Eventually, the image of being an outdoor person was completely replaced by a home guy that has become me. As a proof of it, I never had a long and decent vacation in the past two years because I kept on considering the house and my family. The only time I had to travel for a relatively far place was when XP invited me to his birthday last February, which is already an established tradition. The rest of the invitations I've got from everyone were reconsidered.

My roots to my home was so strong, that when it turns out that I would be alone for two days this week (with the yaya and the lezbo driver of course), my initial reactions clearly points to the fact that I'm scared. While I avoided opening it up to my mom and my sister who are on their way to Laguna tonight, In my sleep, and in my unconsciousness, the fears manifest itself. I am so afraid to be alone that I even asked phanks to keep me company...

Which he completely ignored, giving another lame excuse as usual.

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So here I am, marking my own taste of "freedom" full of fear and anxiety. When I was just new here in this place, I could have called my entire tropa for a big booze session to celebrate the "freedom" I will be enjoying. But now that I've been entrusted to hold things together - making sure that everything runs smoothly while the commander is away,

I guess the freedom I have envisioned before is not the freedom I wanted to have now.

There is no such thing as a brave new world after all.