Kuya

Minsan isang panahon, nakita ko ang sarili ko na nagbabasa ng isang libro sa loob ng library ng aming paaralan. Grade six ako noon, soloista at mahilig tumambay sa pagitan ng dalawang naglalakihang bookshelves kung saan walang nakakakitang tao sa akin. Isang tanghali, may mga lower grade pupils na nagtatakbuhan sa aisle kung saan ako malapit. Dahil naiistorbo nila ang pagbabasa ko ng encyclopedia noon, sinita ko sila para tumahimik. Nagpulasan ang mga bata at biglang tumahimik ang paligid. Ngunit may isa pala sa kanilang natira at nangahas na lumapit sa akin.

Hindi ko na matandaan kung ano ang mga tinanong niya sa akin. Hindi ko na rin maalala ang kanyang mukha, ang kanyang pangalan, o kung anong section siya nabibilang. Pero ang hindi ko makalimutang tinanong niya sa akin ay kung maari ba niya akong maging kuya... na madali ko namang pinaunlakan sapagkat gusto ko na rin siyang umalis sa tabi ko.

Natapos ang buong school year, ilang beses pa kaming nagkatama ng landas. Hindi ko matandaan ang kanyang mukha o ang kanyang pangalan pero sa harap ng kanyang mga kaklase, pinagmamalaki niya ako bilang kuya, kahit hindi niya alam na sa batch ko, isa ako sa mga looser at outcast noon, taas noo pa rin niya akong tinawag na kuya. Nang malapit na ang graduation, binalak ko siyang hanapin upang magpaalam at magpasalamat. Balak ko sanang ibigay sa kanya ang isa sa aking pinakatatagong Matchbox na kotche-kotchehan upang maalala man lang niya ako hanggang pagtanda.

Sa kasamaang palad hindi ko na siya nakita. Pero nakalipas na ang maraming panahon, natatandaan ko pa rin ang aming unang tagpuan.

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Twelve years had passed and I still remembered the boy. Probably, failing to say goodbye to him remained one of my greatest guilt, now that I am beginning to feel myself in his shoes. There were times, when things get really tough, I'd tell myself how I wish I had a big brother. If only there would be someone who could protect me when things are a little bit beyond my control, I think I would be the happiest man alive.

Lately, I get acquainted with guys older than me. One such example was Euphoria Boy, who I still see in the faces of many chinito guys that pass in front of me. There's also Papu, who I never fail to mention whenever I give gay101 lessons to newbies I chat with in PEx. The list of older guys goes on and on, and one thing that is common among all of them is that somehow, I get attracted or heavily attached to these guys I get acquainted with.

With the exception of Papu of course.

Mama would warn me that I should set an example as a big brother to my little sister since, she has this tendency to get attracted to older guys as well. I'm not sure of the reasons behind my sister's apparent preference for older guys. Probably, she was so attached to my dad when he was still alive that my sister still seeks him in the guys who comes along her way. I don't know, I just don't open this discussion with anyone... except here in my blog.

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When dad died last year, I became the man of the house. Believe me, such task demands contant vigil and utmost responsibility. There were nights you would suffer sleeplessness thinking about how would your family survive without you. Some nights, I would think about how would I earn bigger money so that I could stand on my own, without the sikyu agency's assistance.

Good thing, we have a lesbian driver to act as the brute force when I am not around. Together with her sidekick, an older guy who used to be my tutor and my mom's former student when I was still in high school, they serve as my mom's external hands and feet when she can't do the task she needs to do.

I admit, that in many situations I remain weak. I could be a potent force when I am part of the household but what if I am not around? What if the challenges are so impossible to resolve to the point I would feel helpless and alone as well? These are the things that constantly distracts my mind whenever I feel insecure...

And when I feel insecure, my usual escape is to imagine some kuya material dodging the projectiles which I could not take anymore.

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I remembered writing an entry about this same feelings not so long ago. But I also admitted in that entry that after looking for a big brother material all my life, I have realized that I became the kuya I am looking for. The apparent uniqueness of character I have; my desire to be ahead of a situation even before it happens and the way I became a man of the house says it all. I am no longer the happy-go-lucky person who's only concern is his own life and nothing more.

All those traits I've mentioned are the things I'm looking for in a man I would look up to. I think, after admitting that I found those traits in me, there is one single thing I am still looking for: the capability to steer one's own life according to his will.

So far I haven't done that yet.

These past few weeks, I have been exchanging private messages with two older guys in G4M. One is an accountant and a separated dad working in Mindanao and one is a businessman and a sports buff here in Manila. Both of them are deep, wild, chinito and top. Although I haven't met them yet, and as much as possible, I try to make our conversation more of a brotherly one. But lately, I have this inkling that I started having hots for them as well. Even in daydreams, I'd like to see myself under their enlightened guidance.

It seems like having a big brother or an older companion remains embedded deep in my psyche. It felt like the never ending search for someone stronger, wiser and wilder has once again awakened my sleeping thoughts about what if... I have a kuya? What if I'm not the one to be in charge all the time? And what if I have an older buddy as a lover, would things be easier?

Perhaps this is just a mere daydream aspiration created to artificially fill the void I am feeling...

and defend myself in times I can't stand on my own feet.

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In times like this, I remember the boy. How I wish I had been more enthusiastic to be his big brother, now that years after, I'd end up constantly seeking for one.