Family

Dearest,

Tuesday began and I was severely shaken by your pronouncements about my obsession with numbers. You told me (in all caps) in the instant messenger that I should be focused on quality and not the quantity of messages sent. I do not know your reasons for such a surprised contradiction to my supposed-to-be proud achievement, because as far as I am concerned, output means quality. I had emphasized on the output because of my belief that one could only generate such number of messages if his performance as an online "shrink" becomes credible to the users.

Perhaps you just got tired of my constant inquiry and report with regards to my special account. I know that you were not feeling well and I shouldn't have annoyed you with such self-serving bragging. I should have been more considerate.

However, your statements made me question my capacity as an operator. I started asking myself if my efforts these past few months did all go to vain. Wasn't my creative and emphatic ability not enough for the job? For a brief moment, I was demoralized, not because of what you have said, but because your words struck a chord that made me question my whole existence in that account.

Throughout the rest of the morning I felt burned out. I scrambled to look for ways to uplift my spirit, since I am aware that my job as an online "shrink" is to uplift others at the cost of my own sanity. Talk about empathic vampires - those who suck away your life-force to feed their own broken souls. Some words of encouragement from the ATL did the trick and my mood was suddenly re-energized by the ATL's sympathy to my cause. Lately, she's been my inspiration to do good at work. Her constant motivation drives me to excel not only in my account but in other accounts as well. The numbers that you see in the report is actually the product of her pushing. If it's only possible to dare myself to beat my record everyday, I would have done so in behalf of her prodding.

Don't worry though, she doesn't know that you scolded me. Nobody needs to know, even the Princess who is my tag-team partner in that account. Your revelations might disturb him like what it did to me. You see, we never really liked coordinating our efforts with the two others. One of them is friendly to me, while the other can be aloof and snob depending on his mood. Both of them are very hostile to the princess and being bound by our alliance, it is my duty to look after his well-being.

Now back to your scolding, what really made me upset that morning is that I was hoping you would encourage me to do better, since I was constantly at helm. I thought my output would make you proud since you are my surrogate mother. Maybe it's the effect of giving too much compassion to others, that I myself is seeking for my own approval. The account might be easy for some, but in all honesty, when you have become too passionate and consumed by your role as an online shrink, coming back to reality leaves you weary. The spending of too much creative juices leave you cold and empty by the end of the shift.

But you know what, later that morning, I've realized your point as to why you needed to scold me and shout at me at MSN. Maybe what I really needed was a wake-up call, since to tell you the truth, I have become too confident of myself at work that it might be interpreted as mahangin. But you know that I was never proud. In fact, at the height of my confusion, all I could think of is our conversation about those other operators who cannot take criticisms. If I could never take your criticisms squarely, then all our talks would have been in vain; it would appear that I am no different from them.

That is why I didn't dwell so much on your pronouncements. Instead, I took it as a challenge to achieve perfection beyond what I have been doing so far. I may have received some flaks from you, but it never affected our mother-bebe relationship. If it did, I might have ignored you during the Stress-Free party that was held that same night.

With all things said and done such as getting drunk at the party and going round in circles like a grazing cow; shouting "I love you," at princess as he performed "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears during the singing competition; hoarding pitchers of beer for Kuya JP and the rest of the thunder guys; witnessing how Kats received the tardiness award and Ed for getting the sleeping beauty award from the boss; and finally, after being gently kicked on the butt by the "drunken master" when I told him that I needed to go home despite being on a day-off the following morning,

It dawned to me that maybe I may not be just seeing mere colleagues and friends at work anymore. If the last time I saw the office as my second home, perhaps, after witnessing how crazy and friendly people could get when work is not around, What I might be feeling is a sense of familial bonding already. I may not be a direct part of their extended barkada unit, but on a personal level, I know how my approach would be to them.

Besides, I have known for a long time where my core unit is. At its helm is someone crazy enough to be my mom, my friend and confidante and for a time even a devil's advocate. And even if her own challenges her authority sometimes, at least, in a far distant corner of her world, someone will constantly be obedient and grateful to her advices.

You know who she is.