Me: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
- Pulsar, In the Name of Unholiness
---
Barely a week ago and my string of thoughts were very much different.
I was restless, horny, sexually deprived and extremely desperate for attention. I was set for a collision course with a think brick wall without thinking of the consequences of my over speeding. What I was aiming during those fiery nights was the kinkiest, most outrageous, or something extremely memorable fuck I could ever find. It was a one-shot deal that I needed in order to contain myself completely. It was my angst pushing me.
I sought advice from a gay priest in G4M. I do not know how well respected he is, but that evening, I saw him as a ray of light. He was someone who could hold me back against my own destructive self. I told him that I could not control my raging hormones - my overpowering lust. The more my sexual advances were getting rejected, the bolder I become in seeking it in that website. I told him that the cycle fueled my rage and in the end, it became an issue of approval.
It became a validation of my sagging self-esteem.
His advices were insightful. I thought he could temporarily pull me out and release me from my own demons. However, his moves became extremely confusing after I noticed how he was beginning to get into my pants. It felt like being stabbed by someone you started to trust.
That same night, I turned my attention elsewhere and waged a war against someone close to my location. It was for my own balance, but the battle was so lousy, it did not contain me completely in the end.
So I had to wage another war - this time, inside a bath house that has already become an extension of my world.
It was a battle of attrition. I never saw myself that assertive, dominant and controlling over other guys. Inside the bath house, I rejected others without any respect for their emotions. I laughed at guys who ignored my cautious advances, thinking it was their lost and not mine. I imposed my own needs and demands over others since they were the ones who pursued me. I saw myself as the hesitant player who had the power to choose the guy that I want.
Inside the bath house, I sought for the alpha males and in my darkest, reckless self, I got what I want.
---
Now back to the website, the tables were suddenly turned against the other members.
Since my libido has been completely wiped out, I do not have to prove myself to people anymore. Armed with several half-naked body shots and a profile introduction that suggest a hyper-masculine personality, it isn't difficult for me to exchange messages with virtually anyone in the website.
Doon, basta may hubad na katawan ka at may angas ang profile mo, kahit wala kang face-pic, kakausapin at kakausapin ka ng mga tao.
There are times, other guys would send me a private message. It contains the usual lines such as "ang astig naman ng profile mo," or "nakakatakot naman yung baril mo," or even the simplest but most boring "hi, nasl? number please" kind of message just to get my attention. I respond depending on how friendly and sensible their message is or how interesting their profile introductions are. Since I am not looking for a fuck, I would rather build up my connections with people who can still see the human-es in me.
As part of being human, ripped bodies and cute (maangas) faces would always get a consideration. Often, they are the ones I'd first make contact with so long as the conversation remains friendly. However, when I feel that the exchanges would lead to a request of face-pic, I immediately disengage from our message exchanges. In the past two weeks, I already figured out that half of the people in G4M is only interested in your face-pic and nothing more..
Now that things have become normal, I begin to comprehend the other side of G4M, which I never completely understood when it was me who was at the loosing end of the carnal bargains. In all the countless private messages that I received after the Bath House episode, only two guys really caught my attention. The rest - the ripped ones, the faggoty ones and even the girly ones were all ignored. Some who even sent their face-pics in hopes of getting mine in exchange were outrightly turned away. They never got a reply and I'm sure that they felt exactly the same way when I was the one seeking other people's attention.
Now these two guys, which I took seriously were not really the good-looking ones. They're not even within my standards of lust. I showed them my good side because I felt they were doing the same to me. It's like finding a rare person who isn't corrupted yet with the system, and to boost their hope that not everyone had already become looks-centered in that website, I decided to become their example.
The conversations are still ongoing and remains fruitful the longer we talked to each other. It remains friendly and cordial, and the conversations usually revolved in petty issues, which I am most comfortable of talking about - PLU exploration. In the end, even if I do not see where such exchange of private messages would lead to, I know that I am already touching their lives.
---
Two of the blogs that I read this afternoon wrote that G4M is the harshest website they have ever been to. In fact, they never dared to return again. In many ways they are correct. It is a huge meatshop for gay guys to show and display their stuff. Some would show their chiseled chest and torso or an angular shot of their 5-inch dick or they baby boy face or their big biceps or even their most drag outfit just to get other's acceptance. Those who gets the best offers are the hunkiest, most masculine and the most good-looking, anak-ng-diyos, god-bless-his-genes guys around. These guys often preoccupy themselves hunting for equally hot guys they can fuck with. These men usually post in the sex and fetish forums looking for SEB's, threesomes or even orgies where all the participants are carefully screened for even the slightest deformation they can see in the participant's face-pic/body pic.
The ones who are often left behind are the chubbies, effeminates and lankies who pass their time building clans (that also serves as their petty kariran grounds) or lashing against one another over who's the better diva or what's the better TV station or even who's the cuter guy in G4M.
I sometimes wonder how do these people endure being left out, ignored or being okray-ed simply because of what they are.
No wonder, many ask if long-term contact, or even love still exist among PLUs...
---
Looking at these examples, it's obvious that I exist in a very tough and harsh world.
And sometimes, I really wonder why I still enjoy staying in such forsaken place.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
- Pulsar, In the Name of Unholiness
---
Barely a week ago and my string of thoughts were very much different.
I was restless, horny, sexually deprived and extremely desperate for attention. I was set for a collision course with a think brick wall without thinking of the consequences of my over speeding. What I was aiming during those fiery nights was the kinkiest, most outrageous, or something extremely memorable fuck I could ever find. It was a one-shot deal that I needed in order to contain myself completely. It was my angst pushing me.
I sought advice from a gay priest in G4M. I do not know how well respected he is, but that evening, I saw him as a ray of light. He was someone who could hold me back against my own destructive self. I told him that I could not control my raging hormones - my overpowering lust. The more my sexual advances were getting rejected, the bolder I become in seeking it in that website. I told him that the cycle fueled my rage and in the end, it became an issue of approval.
It became a validation of my sagging self-esteem.
His advices were insightful. I thought he could temporarily pull me out and release me from my own demons. However, his moves became extremely confusing after I noticed how he was beginning to get into my pants. It felt like being stabbed by someone you started to trust.
That same night, I turned my attention elsewhere and waged a war against someone close to my location. It was for my own balance, but the battle was so lousy, it did not contain me completely in the end.
So I had to wage another war - this time, inside a bath house that has already become an extension of my world.
It was a battle of attrition. I never saw myself that assertive, dominant and controlling over other guys. Inside the bath house, I rejected others without any respect for their emotions. I laughed at guys who ignored my cautious advances, thinking it was their lost and not mine. I imposed my own needs and demands over others since they were the ones who pursued me. I saw myself as the hesitant player who had the power to choose the guy that I want.
Inside the bath house, I sought for the alpha males and in my darkest, reckless self, I got what I want.
---
Now back to the website, the tables were suddenly turned against the other members.
Since my libido has been completely wiped out, I do not have to prove myself to people anymore. Armed with several half-naked body shots and a profile introduction that suggest a hyper-masculine personality, it isn't difficult for me to exchange messages with virtually anyone in the website.
Doon, basta may hubad na katawan ka at may angas ang profile mo, kahit wala kang face-pic, kakausapin at kakausapin ka ng mga tao.
There are times, other guys would send me a private message. It contains the usual lines such as "ang astig naman ng profile mo," or "nakakatakot naman yung baril mo," or even the simplest but most boring "hi, nasl? number please" kind of message just to get my attention. I respond depending on how friendly and sensible their message is or how interesting their profile introductions are. Since I am not looking for a fuck, I would rather build up my connections with people who can still see the human-es in me.
As part of being human, ripped bodies and cute (maangas) faces would always get a consideration. Often, they are the ones I'd first make contact with so long as the conversation remains friendly. However, when I feel that the exchanges would lead to a request of face-pic, I immediately disengage from our message exchanges. In the past two weeks, I already figured out that half of the people in G4M is only interested in your face-pic and nothing more..
Now that things have become normal, I begin to comprehend the other side of G4M, which I never completely understood when it was me who was at the loosing end of the carnal bargains. In all the countless private messages that I received after the Bath House episode, only two guys really caught my attention. The rest - the ripped ones, the faggoty ones and even the girly ones were all ignored. Some who even sent their face-pics in hopes of getting mine in exchange were outrightly turned away. They never got a reply and I'm sure that they felt exactly the same way when I was the one seeking other people's attention.
Now these two guys, which I took seriously were not really the good-looking ones. They're not even within my standards of lust. I showed them my good side because I felt they were doing the same to me. It's like finding a rare person who isn't corrupted yet with the system, and to boost their hope that not everyone had already become looks-centered in that website, I decided to become their example.
The conversations are still ongoing and remains fruitful the longer we talked to each other. It remains friendly and cordial, and the conversations usually revolved in petty issues, which I am most comfortable of talking about - PLU exploration. In the end, even if I do not see where such exchange of private messages would lead to, I know that I am already touching their lives.
---
Two of the blogs that I read this afternoon wrote that G4M is the harshest website they have ever been to. In fact, they never dared to return again. In many ways they are correct. It is a huge meatshop for gay guys to show and display their stuff. Some would show their chiseled chest and torso or an angular shot of their 5-inch dick or they baby boy face or their big biceps or even their most drag outfit just to get other's acceptance. Those who gets the best offers are the hunkiest, most masculine and the most good-looking, anak-ng-diyos, god-bless-his-genes guys around. These guys often preoccupy themselves hunting for equally hot guys they can fuck with. These men usually post in the sex and fetish forums looking for SEB's, threesomes or even orgies where all the participants are carefully screened for even the slightest deformation they can see in the participant's face-pic/body pic.
The ones who are often left behind are the chubbies, effeminates and lankies who pass their time building clans (that also serves as their petty kariran grounds) or lashing against one another over who's the better diva or what's the better TV station or even who's the cuter guy in G4M.
I sometimes wonder how do these people endure being left out, ignored or being okray-ed simply because of what they are.
No wonder, many ask if long-term contact, or even love still exist among PLUs...
---
Looking at these examples, it's obvious that I exist in a very tough and harsh world.
And sometimes, I really wonder why I still enjoy staying in such forsaken place.
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