One For The Road

Something to smile about
when the price of
freedom proves too heavy.



Photocredits: Gir, Invader Zim

->"<-

Dear Raizen

We've both came into each other's lives just when we're at the lowest point of our existence. Too bad, we've met at the wrong place, wrong set-up; you left your fling just to get my attention that night, and did something at the wrong time... we born out of mistakes.

But those mistakes would sooner be my redemption. Your mistakes to your fling compelled me to stay when you were alone at the bar. The mistakes we did that morning provided the key for me to get attached... to you.

A few days followed and feeling became mutual... mutual infatuation, mutual fear. Maybe those mistakes we've done individually before are the reasons why we fear each other's company now: You, cannot believe me that I am beginning to close other doors in favor of you.. I, always terrifying myself that you were just there to make my life more miserable than before. We brood those fears until it burst out tonight.

You want to set me free because you think that what you feel is just a mere mistake, while I, trying to cling on to you to correct whatever mistakes I have done in my past.

Probably, we're in limbo now, but you know what. That stupid feeling, which tormented me this past few days is also my single source of strength: resume finally completed after three weeks of attempting to write it, the much planned diet and fitness lifestyle that would turn everything upside down, finally, has now been set in motion.

I may never know what other things I could do by mere driving me to push the limits. Probably this is what they call love, but now I am experiencing one of the most horrible birth pains I have been.

So what now, reason suggests that I should take steps swiftly but at the same time moderating it on multi-dimensional levels. Probably I'll meet you today, like I did yesterday.. and know whatever I need to know about you, before doing stupid things out of... love.

Till then, don't worry and take care.

We're just fictional characters after all.

"Birth Pains"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 18, 2002

---

Siya si Raizen, ang una kong naging boyfriend. Naging kami walong buwan matapos akong makipag-split up sa aking girlfriend. Bente-uno ako noon samantalang siya naman ay bente-otso. Ang layo ng pagitan no?

Buong akala ko na siya ang magdadala sa relasyon namin, subalit doon ako nagkakamali. Masyado akong napaniwala na bilang matanda sa akin, siya ang gagabay sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam tungkol sa buhay PLU. Naloko niya ako. Baguhan man sa relasyong lalaki sa lalaki, subalit ako ang higit nagsuko ng aking kalayaan upang ibsan ang kanyang mga pangamba sa aming pagsasama. Tingin niya kasi ay explorer ako samantalang siya naman ay nawalan na ng tiwala sa pag-ibig. Binago ko ang kanyang impression, ngunit sa maraming pagkakataon ay mukhang nabigo ako.

Sa tatlong buwang naming pagiging kami, araw-araw akong umaalis sa trabaho ng maaga upang siya ay masundo sa kanyang HMO Clinic. Ma-late ako ng ilang minuto at tiyak ay pagmumulan ito ng away. Hawak niya ang aking cellphone at lahat ng mag-text dito ay lagi niyang iniisip na aking kalandian. Bago matulog ay kailangan kong i-miss call ang kanyang telepono gamit ang landline sa bahay upang kanyang matiyak ang aking kinaroroonan. Bago mag-alas sais ng umaga ay kailangan rin na nai-text ko na sa kanya ang aking good morning text message.

Nasikil ang aking kalayaan noon sa ngalan ng pag-ibig. Noong unang beses na nagbanta siya ng paghihiwalay ay naging saksi si Dodong sa aking paghagulgol sa telepono. Bilang lang sa daliri ang mga araw na hindi kami nag-away at noong siya ay ma-confine sa isang ospital sa Ortigas dahil sa isang karamdaman, hindi ang kanyang pamilya ang unang sumaklolo sa kanya.

Ako.

Marahil ay naging madali para sa kanya ang lahat para ma-appreciate ang mga sakripisyo ko. Looking at a hindsight, ang tanging hiningi ko lang sa kanya ay commitment - ang monogamy. Sa kasamaang palad, ako rin ang sumira nito nang minsang napagod ako kakasunod sa kanya. Humingi ako ng assurance sa iba, na buong lugod na binigay sa akin ng isang nakilala ko sa isang club. Tinuturing kong the best yung One Night Stand na yun. Ilang araw matapos ang mga nangyari ay naging matapang na ako. Sa mga araw na hindi siya nagpaparamdam ay nakatuon ang aking focus sa mga kaibigan. Sumapit ang Valentines Day na nagkakalabuan kaming dalawa. Sa kabila nito, may regalo akong Regine CD para sa kanya. Pagdating sa kanyang clinic nang hapong iyon ay naabutan ko siyang pinagmamalaki ang isang Rose stem na bigay sa kanya diumano ng isang admirer.

"Buti pa yung iba, binibigyan ako ng rose samantalang yung iba diyan, wala."

Lubha kong dinamdam iyon. Hindi kami nagpansinan buong biyahe pauwi.

Akmang ibibigay ko sa kanya ang Regine CD na ilang linggo na niya inaasam nang bigla niya itong binalik sa akin. Sa pagkakataong iyon, naubos ang pasensya ko. Ako ang nag-walk out sa pagitan naming dalawa. February 14, araw ng mga puso para sa karamihan ang araw ng aming paghihiwalay.

Taon ang binilang bago ko siya napatawad. Nangyari lamang ang aming closure nang harap-harapan niyang inamin sa akin ang mga nawala noong ako ay kanyang bitawan. I was vindicated. Sa totoo, water under the bridge na ang lahat kahit na ang mga ala-alang natira ay ang aming pangit na nakaraan.

Ilang araw ko na iniisip kung bakit sumagi si Raizen nang si Tannis ay naghangad pumasok sa aking buhay. Sa unang impression ay mukha naman silang iba ng personality. Handa na sana akong ipagwalang-bahala ang nararamdaman kong konesyon sa kanilang dalawa nang bigla ay nabasa ko ang mga patnubay na aking iniwan upang maging silbing babala sa aking hinaharap.

It pays when you write in the past addressed to your future.

---

nagkita kami, nagkasama, nagpalitan ng kaluluwa.

mas matanda, higit na mas may "experience" sa mga naka-impluwensya sakin, bitter sa pag-ibig, may tendency makipaglaro at manakit ng puso,

"sweet," may trabaho, game at agresibo, bansot pero sobrang whammy para sa akin (kahit ipilit niyang panget siya), mas discreet at masculine sakin at higit sa lahat eh trip akong kasama (siya ang unang lumapit)... ewan ko pero parang hulog siya ng langit (o padala ng impyerno) dipende sa magiging galaw ko.

At ano naman ang magiging galaw ko...

magpapaka-tweetums (kahit pang-tukling), ida-date (kahit sya ang may trabaho at ako ang wala), pasimpleng papasok sa buhay niya't lalasunin siya para tamaan ng todo sa akin (hehehe)
In short: magiinvest ako ng emotions, para sa mokong na yun.

To the point: ano ang gusto kong mangyari balang araw?

Buddy, F-uc-k Buddy (sayang naman kasi eh), Open Commitment, (sya ang open, ako ang solid) Ka-Tropa, Bestfriend, Big Brother Material... Ewan, nakakatakot siya eh, madali niya akong magagag0 kung gusto niya.

Endymionn, ano ang iyong depensa?

Wala eh... ipilit ko mang sabihin sa utak kong sasaktan niya rin ako kapag tinuloy ko ang galaw ko... huli na rin eh, nagsimula na akong magpakat a n g a sa harap niya eh. Magkikita pa kaya kami?

Pero kung maari lang... kahit sa pantasya lang, sana makasama ko ulit siya...

TAENA, puso ko ba yung tumibok?!?!

"Happy Thoughts 4"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 16, 2002

---

Now I understand why I let fear consume me more than Tannis' promise of a future.




---

-tobecontinued-
pex entries unedited to preserve the author's writing.

Rebound (First Part)

Like we always say at work, love knocks when we least expect it coming. However, it can never barge through locked doors. Love cannot dwell and take shelter inside broken hearts. It can never nurture feelings bound by fear and doubt and it can never grow when forced into someone who is not ready to embrace it. Love grows organically and its healing properties take effect only when the recipient believes in the magic it brings.

It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.

Another dream gets shattered.

Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.

It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.

I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.

Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.

Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.

Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.

Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?

Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.

The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.

To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,

the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.

---

-tobecontinued-

Payatas Tragedy Revisited

Huli man daw at sandali lang nakisali sa piging, nawa'y ang entry na ito ay magsilbing tugon sa pagmumulat mo sa aming natutulog na diwa tungkol sa kahirapan ng buhay maralita.

Maligayang kaarawan, kaibigan.

---

PARADISE LOST
Three months after the infamous tragedy, Payatas residents still remain disturbed.

It was 8 o' clock in the morning when she stood in front of her house to gaze at the never-ending sight of garbage - - a mountain of filth that would later bring tragedy and death to hundreds of residents of the Payatas dumpsite. In a split second, as she vividly recalls, all hell broke loose. The earth rumbled as the mountain of garbage came rolling down, burying her neighbor alive farther down below. July 10 - the fateful morning when the nation was shocked at the tragedy that occurred.

As for Aling Norma, life became much more different. Her house stood ten steps away from the buried shanties so she miraculously survived. As she tells us how she managed to run away from the waves of garbage falling down from the mountain, her tears roll down, a sign that everything is still as fresh as the day it happened.

"Apat na anak ko ang nalibing ng buhay at may isa pang hindi nakikita" (Four of my children were buried alive and one is still missing). She speaks while watching Backhoes dig up piles of garbage in front of her.

As she recalls, they were the squatters behind the Bureau of Internal Revenue Building. They were relocated to a site called "Lupang Pangako" (Promised Land). At that time, the place was still filled with grass. But when the Quezon City government turned it into a dumpsite, all garbage coming from Metro Manila was dumped there, turning it from fields of grass into a mountain of trash that we see today.

A minor landslide occurred during the mid-90's, but this "warning" was not heeded by the residents living there and by the government that watched them. Last July 10 2001, a year after the Cherry Hills Subdivision tragedy in Rizal, the east side of the Payatas Garbage Mountain collapsed due to continuous rains, burying hundreds of families under tons of rotting filth. Overnight, hundreds of cadavers were recovered, while some survivors were lucky enough to be alive. Throughout that week, bodies piled up in the nearby basketball court. The stench of death hanged over Payatas while garbage piled up in Quezon City.

It was a week not to be forgotten, yet somehow the people in Payatas are trying to fill up the spaces left by the tragedy that happened only in this country.

Today, around 210 recovered bodies were already identified by their respective families while 49 others remain unidentified. Aling Nena claims that there are about 75 people still buried under the piles of garbage while many of the residents living there were relocated somewhere else. Out of the 8 areas of Barangay Payatas that was hit by the landslide, five were completely wiped out. The task force assigned by the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) in the area will terminate their rescue operations of October 15 while the Payatas dumpsite will cease its operation temporarily while plans about its future development is still being formulated.

There are rumors that the sight might be turned into a memorial park in memory of the numerous victims of the tragedy.

As for Aling Nena and the rest of the residents living in the area, they will not wait for the government to relocate them again somewhere. They had accepted to let the tragedy be left in the deepest recesses of their minds.

Leaving the dumpsite, we can still see the despair in the faces of the residents caused by the tragedy despite their smiling faces and seemingly normal lives. While the site lingers in our view, over the distance lay the municipalities of San Mateo and Montalban and the La Mesa Water Dam.

- with reports from Kapre

---

Article written during my junior college year for our news magazine finals project. Grammar lapses and word usage were left uncorrected to give respects to its young aspiring writers. Now that my zest to experience the other side of life has been awakened, expect more blog entries that delves on these subjects from now on.

Thank you Gibo for letting my eyes see again.

Organic Overload

"Mister President, our soldiers on the frontlines have reported a massive troop surge from the RASC," a lieutenant suddenly barged through the door disrupting his conversation with the Energy Secretary. "If we will not hold the Jura Line, they will overrun the city of Basel in a matter of days!"

"Damn those Teutonic bastards! Use whatever necessary force to slow their advance!" The President almost choked after giving his orders.

"Will you grant us the green light to drop the Black Death Bomb on different RASC positions sir?" The lieutenant inquired. Pearls of sweat rolled down the President's withered face. He knows that once the enemy occupies the city of Basel, the entire canton of Zurich including its capital will surrender to the RASC.

"Mister President, if Zurich falls, we will lose control of one of our key gardens." The Energy Secretary advised. "Even if it will cause a global uproar, I strongly suggest that we use our destructive capabilities against Teutonic cities as well!"

"History will never forgive us. I cannot take such responsibility."

"But think of our future sir. The empire will think twice of invading us again when they find out that we have already developed the perfect weapon."

"Do you think they are not aware that we already posses such destructive weapon Mister Secretary?"

The President retreats back to his office desk. The table, with its intricately carved cross and other medieval illustrations embedded on its front and sides still whiffs of pinewood cut from the Western Alps. It has been in his office long before the founding of the Croesus Republic. Breathing deeply, he took a piece of paper with a government insignia written on its top left corner. Silently he began scribbling notes, which the two gentlemen found perplexing. After writing his orders, he pricked his finger using the presidential pen. Droplets of blood began to surface from his pierced skin.

"Use the Black Death against RASC units that are within Croesus' borders." He then pressed his bleeding finger against the piece of white paper. "Your general can verify my orders using genetic scanners. That's all lieutenant."

"Thank you Mister President." The soldier was about to exit the door, when the President gives a follow-up order.

"Tell your superior to evacuate the city of Zurich before nightfall - I want all the children and elderly out of that accursed place. " The president turned his back against the two gentlemen to set his gaze towards the blue skies outside his office. "Humans will forever be ruled by greed. The RSC will never stop until they get what they want."

The lieutenant quietly withdraw from the scene leaving the Energy Secretary with the President.

"So much blood has been shed for our Eastern Rose." The President mumbled.

"Enough is enough."

---

The Jura Line separates the country of Croesus from Teutonia, the former Federal Republic of Germany. Teutonia was once allied with Croesus through cultural and historical ties. However, the RASC invaded this state replacing all its leaders with ones who are now loyal to the empire.

The Black Death is a Croseun superweapon. Whispers tell that its elements were directly condensed from the much-prized Eastern Rose. Information about its effects is strictly confidential. Aside from top-brass generals and lead scienctists of Croesus. Only the President knows of this weapon's existence.

The Not So Naughty Me

Pasado hatinggabi kanina, nagkamali ako ng sinakyan na jeep galing sa gym. Sa halip na ibaba ako ng aking sinasakyan sa mismong kanto patungo sa aming bahay, sumakay ako ng JRU na ang biyahe lamang ay hanggang Kalentong. Ang lugar na ito ay lubhang napakalayo pa sa bahay at isang napakalaking kahangalan kung susubukin ko man ang maglakad pauwi.

Habang nag-aabang ng jeep patungong Quiapo ay nakaramdam ako ng gutom. Naubos ko na nga pala ang reserba ko sa pagbubuhat at ang kumain ay dinidikta na ng aking sikmura. Naglakad ako hanggang maabot ang panulukan ng Shaw at Kalentong. Dito kasi ay may Banco De Oro na siya namang bangko ng ATM ko.

Akmang magwi-withdraw na sana ako nang makita ko ang isang karatula na nagsasabing offline ang bangko. Asar. Tatawid na naman ako upang magwithdraw sa isang ATM na nalampasan ko na sa aking paglalakad. Ayaw ko nang lumayo. Either magtitiis ako ng gutom magdamag o kaya naman ay iintaying mag-online ang BDO. Bahala na.

Lumapit ako sa ATM upang kilatisin ito. Ang karatula ay nakatakip sa screen subalit patuloy pa rin ang paglabas ng ads ng bangko dito. Mukhang may pasaway na nakaiwan ng karatula samantalang ang ATM naman ay online na.

Tiiiiiiinggg!!! Bigla akong nakaisip ng ideya.

Nakapaglabas ako ng P200 galing sa ATM. Nabusog ang aking tiyan matapos lumamon sa Bestfriends malapit sa aking tinitirhan. At bilang souvenir ng aking pagiging delinkwente, at reward sa pagiging loyal account holder ng Banco De Oro,

umuwi akong may pasalubong sa aking kuwarto.


---

Postcript: This post is not actually about my delinquent tendencies. The entry is for a friend who left the country yesterday to find his calling abroad. It might take years before his return, and his departure left a gaping hole, that, no matter how I try to fill will remain spaced out.

If he never found this blog two years ago, I wouldn't be able to introduce him to a new tripper friend who related to what he had written. From there, the friendship bloomed. New people joined our little alliance and despite not being able to see each other regularly, I know that our bond is strong.

The alliance reconvened two nights ago in Cubao to express our wishes before his flight. As a souvenir, I asked for his lighter.

I will keep it until he returns.

This is how we will remember Macoy

- club bath
- dial 911
- shishi-kitsune accords
- surprise visit at the enterprise para magyosi
- red mitsubshi lancer
- bisita iglesia
- enchanted kingdom
- inuman sa quatro with roy, centurion, dn and dodong.

Will The Future Blame Us

Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan

- Jose Rizal

Are you disappointed?
And have we destroyed it I
But I've been stumbling down this long and winding road
And these times are changing
And it's complicated I
Well I don't wanna know

- Will The Future Blame Us, Our Lady Peace

---

While secretly blog hopping the other night, I stumbled upon someone's blog. This blogger is someone new in the online journal scene but his story is very different from the other blogs I've read so far.

His introduction reminds me of a cousin - the only relative I acknowledge on my father's side. He's 22, bum and totally dependent on her mother - my aunt. She is currently jobless and the last time she had work was four years ago, when my dad's publishing business was still operational.

What keeps them afloat is my uncle's monthly remittance from abroad. However, being a TNT with no permanent job, things are getting difficult for them. With the global recession threatening to crash even the wealthiest of economies, it is the illegal immigrants that bear the brunt.

Life was never this harsh for them in the early days. I remember my dad lamenting at how well-off his sister was when he's the one older between the two siblings. My cousin used to wear signature brands that I could only dream of wearing even now. What's unfortunate is that despite poverty bearing down on them, my cousin's outlook never changed. Tired of life and living, he never aspired to complete his high school degree despite the financial support and encouragement readily available to him.

I don't know what his future holds and it is not my desire to speculate on what life he would have. However, after reading this blog, I get the idea that my cousin is not alone. Much as it is painful to admit, the present generation of kids is a far-cry from what my generation was.

ako si jong.. kilala ako sa cavite city na sasori.. dating hip-hop ... para maiba naman rakizta naman.. tapos mag coconyo na

isa akong tambay tamad mag-aral adik sa computer ngunit walang masamang bisyo mahirap lamang pero mautak mag ipon kaya na kakapg mall padin.. makapal ang muka koh, laging nangunguna sa kainan , laging tulog , laging nasa questor , sabi ng nanay ko hayop daw ako sa panget , sabi naman ng iba pogi ako , ung iba naman cute , ung iba naman panget din. . . kaya hindi ko pa alam hanggang ngaun ang estado ko sa buhay..

noong 2003 hindi pa ganito ang buhay koh, pag sampa ko ng noveleta ayun na nag kanda letse letse na hahaha pero masaya naman wala nga lang magandang kinabukasan...

nang sumampa ako sa noveleta napansin ko agad ang strike quest isang punyetang computer shop na 24 hours open...noong una andun lamang akoh upang manuod ng mga porno sa internet naka suot pa ako non ng sandong butas at hindi nalampas sa tuhod na short walang ka fassion fassion... hanggang siguro 1 buwan na ang nakakalipas napansin ako ng isa sa mga bantay dun si dong at kuya jay... kada punta ko dun alam na nilang manunuod lamang ako ng porno.. sa tagal tagal pa umaabot na ako ng gabi at di ko alam na gabi pla nag susulputan ang tropang questor.. pina kilala ako ni dong sa tropa na libog pero kala mong artista ang tropa walang pake alam lang... ngunit isa dito si jon jon sya ang naka usap ko kumbaga si jon jon ang naging tulay para makilala ko pa ang iba ... inanyayahan ako ni jonjon na mundo ng DOTA .. na adik ako sa dota dahil dun naka laro ko pa ang iba si ralph at si carlo pero ndi ganun ka close hangang sa na papa madaling araw na ako sa questor.. unti unti ko ng na kilala si rosvie,ralph.dog,epreym,carlo,kenluo hangang sa tumagal ngaun tropa ko nadin sila... nakita ko ang buhay ng tamad sa kanila hahaha... masaya naman dahil sakanila una akong naka inom nakapag yosi , nakaka kantot . nakapera sa pambabae at madami pang iba... maraming tao pa ang aking nakilala dahil sa kanila.... marami pa kong kwento pero eto muna na kakatamad un kung isang bagsak lang


eto nayung continuation


sa ngaun wala ang edukasyon ibig sabihin walang kinabukasan... gusto kong pumasok kaso tlgang tinatamad ako haha ndi ko kaya na tumagal sa room pag tanga ang titser...

Isa Akong Gwapo,
Jong's Blog
October 1, 2008

Counting Blue Cars

And yet,
I am willing to run to the ends of the earth
just to be with that one soul;
that one stellar beacon
who somehow speaks and understands my secret language.

Even in its eccentric and temporal orbit,
his planetary gravitational pull holds my tin-can satellite

from drifting aimlessly towards the
coldness of empty space.

---

Hulo, Pasig River Crossing

Ayala Triangle

Krispy Kreme, Boni High Street

---

Must have been late afternoon
On our way the sun broke free of the clouds
We count only blue cars
Skip the cracks in the street
And ask many questions like children often do...

We said.

- Dishwalla, Counting Blue Cars

Seismic Aftershock

Torn (Secret Entry)
Originally posted: July 21, 2008

--

Tanghali

"Uy, bakit ka nagmiss-call?"

"Asan ka po?"

"Heto papasok napo sa trabaho. Bakit mo tinatanong?"

"Wala lang... Happy Monthsary po. I miss you so much."

"Miss. na.. rin.. kita..."

"Kinalimutan mo na ang monthsary natin."

"Iniintay lang kitang unang bumati. Alam kong monthsary natin ngayon."

"Tulog po ako sa inyo mamaya. Ok lang po ba?"

"Ah eh, gagabihin po ako sa work mamaya eh. Pasensya na."

"Miss na po kita makayakap eh. Ayaw mo na ako patuluyin sa inyo."

"Hindi naman... kakastay mo lang sa amin nung minsan ah."

"Tampo na ako sa iyo. Ayaw mo na ako papuntahin sa inyo."

"Ang kulit mo naman, sabi sayo gagabihin ako eh."

"O sige na nga. Kahit nagtatampo ako. Ingat po ikaw."

"Babay, I love you."

"I... love.. you. po."

--

Text message: Pasensya na, magkaaway kami ng kapatid ko ngayon eh. Ayaw kong may sabihin siya pag tumuloy ka sa amin.

--

Hapon

"Bakit ka po ulit nag-miss call?"

"Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako. Miss na po kita makayakap eh."

"Ok lang yun. Nagkikita naman tayo diba?"

"Iba pa rin yung yakap eh. Alam na po ba ni [insert name of my sibling] ang tungkol sa atin?"

"Hindi ko alam. Wala rin akong pakielam. Ayaw ko lang may sabihin siya tungkol sa iyo."

"Ayaw na po ba nila ako pumunta sa iyo."

"Hindi naman. Wala naman sila sinasabi sa pagpunta mo dun eh."

"Sobrang miss na po kita. Antagal na kita hindi nakakatabi sa pagtulog."

"Ako rin..."

"Hayaan mo next time na lang. Wrong timing ka naman eh."

"Ganyan na po ba ngayon? Parang gusto ko maiyak, hindi na kita nakikita eh. Parang may nag-iba na sa atin."

"Wala naman ah. Saka wag mo masyado isipin yun. Ang mahalaga, magfocus ka sa pagtapos mo sa school."

"Sigurado ka ha. Wala."

"Wala... Balik na po ako sa work. May pasok ka mamaya diba?"

"Meron po."

"Galingan mo sa school. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."

"Happy Monthsary po."

"Happy Monthsary rin."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Mwah."

--

Behind the facade is a heart
torn between an icy truth and
a sunshiny dream.

The last time we slept together,
I was rudely awakened by the reality
that what only connects us is a crumpled
two hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.

And from there disillusionment set in.

When I reemerge from
this rot we call relationship,

All that would be left
is the pain of your memory.

---

A friend once shared a story of another friend who broke up with an ex-boyfriend of many years and still cannot move on after almost a year of separation.

Admirers make their presence felt and their full attention thrills my friend's friend. However, when the fanfare is over and reality creeps back, the past leaves him scampering towards the cold shell which serves as a monument dedicated to his broken love story. His past haunts him and as long as it lingers, anyone who wishes to win his heart would only be driven away.

Today marks our fifth year and sixth month had the relationship endured. It is most unfortunate that it had to end knowing that it had become more of a nightmare rather than a sweet reality.

Time heals old wounds as the cliche goes and on my third week of freedom, the past still haunts me like it never left at all. Tannis is a promising prospect. He is as serious as he was when we first met last Saturday.

For some reasons, the more he opens himself, the more I was reminded of my ex's memory. This memory which I am trying to forget corrupts like a vile disease that threatens to break whatever prospects I have with my recent interest.

Today I realized that it is unfair to pursue something when the heart is not ready.

Nevertheless, I will linger until he wants me to fade away.

I pray tell that Tannis would learn that what I can offer is just plain friendship.

Because as long as the nightmare stirs me up from sleep, the prospects of a happy ending will remain and lay hidden in the fairy tale of my dreams.

Another Moment In Paradise (Last Part)

The rule of clubbing states that everything happens in just one night. You pick a dance partner; dance in a rhythm that expresses your innermost longing; drink hard; grope harder; kiss, like the separation of your lips would mean a shortage of breath; hug tight and savor the moment of togetherness because when the time comes for dance partners to part ways, everything will be over.

Another clubbing night experience would never be the same as the night-out you had tonight.

---

And so we returned inside the bar for another round of beer and dancing. The revelations had convinced him that we should extend our stay to get to know each other deeper. The discovery stunned me as well. Chemistry and commonality rarely becomes a double trait in one person. The dance floor was packed and everyone danced to the beat of Rihanna. We never had the chance to talk. Instead, the proximity of our bodies lead us to fill each others need for intimacy. Assured that I am with the right person, I danced with him like I would dance with my boyfriend. We would kiss, tongue and hug each other tight. We would let go from time to time to give each other some breathing space. Other hands would try to distract us, but in the end we make sure no one will be carried away by the swirling currents of people seeking somebody else to be theirs.

We would go bathroom breaks together - him walking closely behind me - his arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders. I broke walls of people, making sure he was secured behind me, while I bear the brunt of bodily collisions after my rude and assertive dispersal. He might be tough, older and more assertive when he's sober but with his senses nearly disabled by alcohol, I was his best fall back guy. I never sought him there, but our strange encounter gave me reasons to put up a fight on his behalf.

I would have stayed and danced with him but the night is nearly over. I found what I sought that night and perhaps he found his as well. Parting is such a sweet sorrow and I was the one who bid my goodbye.

"Tara, let's go home." He followed without any protestations.

We claimed our bags at the bar counter and walked outside with my arms around his neck. We talked more about the revelations earlier and at the back of my head, I was resolved to see him again.

"You're too good to be true, I hope this would not be our last." I finally confessed.

"Hindi mo pa nga kinukuha ang number ko eh, paano tayo magkikita ulit?"

I've been dancing with strangers for as long as I remember. Dancing was my liberation and it reminded me that no matter how my hands were bound to one person, my soul runs free to express its innermost desire with other people. At the end of ecstasy, I return to my sullenness by trying to forget the encounters of the night. I don't leave traces thus, I don't give personal details to dance partners.

Now that I am free, the choice to let others stay rest entirely whether I will let an encounter develop into something longer than just a club-night-stand.

"What's your number, i-text kita."

He took out his phone for his pocket so I can get his number. While transferring his details into mine, my luck run out when the number on the screen of his phone suddenly disappeared.

"Malas ah, na low-bat ka na." Fate was testing my initiative.

"Dito ka lang, intayin mo ako."

Determined to keep him, I went inside a KTV bar to borrow a pen from the lady cashier. She was busy counting the bar's profit so I grabbed the pen lying on the table without her approval. In a calling card I found on my wallet, I started scribbling my number. Though the place was dimly lit and the effects of alcohol had started kicking in, my persistence won over. I gave him the card outside hoping he would not lose it. We talked a little longer about our interests until the topic shifted to a subject relating to our past.

"So why did you break up?"

He said that the guy was 7 years younger than him. His immaturity had put him off and their bedside personality did not complement one another. I am sure that there were deeper reasons behind their break-up but I didn't bother to probe further. Instead we talked about our longings and our plans now that we're both single.

"I'm looking for someone younger but can think more mature for his age."

"I'm looking for someone older and can think more mature than me."

"I'm not getting younger and I hope to find someone who'd be willing to grow old with me."

"I'm 27 and I think I'm not getting younger as well. That's why when I found what makes your heart beat, I decided to stick with you up to now."

"I think I love you na..." he finally mumbled while trying to keep the smile from his face. I just returned the favor by smirking, knowing that everything is just but a drunk's talk.

"This is really out of the ordinary, and I'm glad I went out of my way just to find you."

Over another round of Red Horse, we talked about our likes and dislikes with our partners, our bedside manners and the things that made us smile and cry. I learned that he's a home-buddy who enjoyed playing chess or watching QAF reruns. He said that behind his tough and aggressive nature was a soft guy who cried over little things.

"I'm hypersensitive and I'm afraid you will find me boring."

"What made you say that?" I replied "I deal with all kinds of people."

At that moment, I finally grasped the potentials between us. The compatibilities are obvious and the adjustments, if there are, would be insignificant compared to the sacrifices I gave up to sustain a failed relationship. Our conversation was like those of two lonely people preparing to enter a union and behind the fears and hesitations of starting a relationship all over again, I finally muttered,

"I'm yours."

I guess all the things we've said we're just product of our loneliness. But now that I'm sober enough to remember that strange encounter I had last Saturday, it seems like I kept my part of the bargain. His words would still reverberate like they were just said an hour ago and the hopes we shared during our chill-out talk is what keeps me believing that there might be a future for the both of us.

The sweet talk would have went on, but alas, our time was up.

"Thank you very much for meeting you." I uttered over and over while my head was pressed against his chest. "I had fun, you're someone worth keeping."

Daybreak had finally arrived replacing the brief twilight that kept us hoping in the dark. We stood up from our chair and walked together towards Taft Avenue, as the last of the party vampires were now on a hasty retreat out of Malate.

"If you ever lose that card, I will wait for you at the same dance floor on Friday." He just smiled as he put his arms around my shoulders.

It was a short night and for the first time, I would have wished it to last longer in order to buy time to know someone I might never see anymore. Thrice, he asked if we could sleep together. On his second try I gave in and offered my place provided that he would never make any noise. He rescinded his suggestion admitting that he might not be able to keep his promise. On his third, he opened the idea of checking in a motel, but it's already too late to sleep together.

Morning was upon us, and my family will be looking for me.

And so we stood at the corner of Taft and Julio Nakpil as an acceptance of our separation. I stayed with him to wait for a cab that would take him home. Promises were conveyed, even if words bore no meaning. After all, words would last long enough until reality settles in to put a final verdict on our ending.

The cab finally arrived and it was time for him to go.

I said my goodbyes. But just before he opened the door to enter the vehicle, he turned around to see me again. Without any hesitation, he grabbed my shirt, pushed me closer to him and with one final act, he kissed me in that street corner unmindful of the passing people around us.

Fighting back, I closed my eyes and responded to his kisses with equal passion he had shown throughout the night.

---

Epilogue:

I slept at past 6 am hoping that he would text back upon his arrival. I never recieved any message.

I was stirred from sleep to check my phone. It had 3 unread text mesages. They were from friends bidding me good morning.

In between short naps, I dreamt of getting a text message from an unknown number only to wake up and see an empty screen.

Afternoon passed on and I prayed for his return.

At past 3, I started losing hope.

Maybe I wrote the wrong number. Perhaps he lost the card on his way home. I also cannot rule out the possibility that every word he said and every gesture he did that night was a result of his longing. He was merely lonely and when I filled out his void, my presence suddenly became irrelevant.

Just when I was about to write him off and accept that I was taken for a ride, my phone vibrated. It was a new number and this was the message it contained.

"Men! Tannis*! Hope u can still remember me :) am here at rustan's supermarket grocery lang, supply for next week. :) ayus ka lang?"

He remembered and we started texting again. However, the person who came back is not the same lonely guy I met in Malate two nights ago. Something has changed and this change reminds me that yes, it is best to slow down from my infatuation.

*Tannis - his code name for this entry.

Another Moment In Paradise (First Part)

Malate is a place where dreams are made and where fairy tales do not end with happy endings. It is a place of refuge for those who mend a broken heart or a shattered soul by lathering their throats with beer and partying the night away with house music until the sound numbs weary ears and the dancing drains energy from exhausted feet. Malate is a home for those who wishes to forget and for those trying to escape the agony of living a suspended life. Yet, despite the sorrowful stories that come out of that place, Malate is still full of promises. Amidst the teeming mass of lonely gay people dancing aimlessly at the center of the dance floor, there are moments when fate intervenes and connects two people who share a common longing.

And perhaps even a common dream.

That promise is what keeps people like me to return over and over to Malate. Even if there are no assurances of a happy ending after the night is over, the thought of a stranger making you feel complete is what makes the whole endeavor worth doing.

I went out last night after a week's absence in the club scene. The choices are tough for I already exhausted myself in the gym that evening and the feeling of weariness is enough reason to go home. However, the lingering thought of an ex-boyfriend suddenly knocking at your door and asking the maid if he could sleep over crept like some terminal fear that drove me to the smoke-filled hall of Che'lu. Running away instead of confronting a hanging issue proved more feasible for someone as broken as me.

Nothing has changed at Che'lu when I entered the bar. The same beautiful people lined its narrow corridor leading to the dance floor. The same effeminate twinks danced on the ledge with their smooth and lean naked bodies and with a plastered smile fit for glossy magazines. The same old house tracks were being played by the DJ. I could say that the scene was getting boring and for several occasions I contemplated whether my age of rage is finally over. You see, serenity dawned to me after the separation and the frustration I expressed through dancing wasn't there anymore.

I was expecting a boring night, which I planned to cut short by 2 am. However, it seems like someone had other plans for me last night. As I moved my body slightly to make it appear that I was dancing, I noticed this tall guy beside me. He looked Caucasian judging from his Surfer haircut and strong jawbone alone. He looked grungie and danced like he owned half of the dance floor. Tipsy, he would move from one side of the floor to the other. He would brush my right arm for support when he crosses in front of me. I never took his brushing as a move to get my attention. However, when our body contact became more frequent, I got what he hinted all along:

He wanted to dance with me.

I granted his invitation with much hesitation at the back of my head. I knew that I could never match his moves and I had an idea where it would lead to - bed. Had the dancing happened when I was still taken, it would have been easy to draw the line that separates emotion from lust. Now that I'm single, things are different. I could do whatever I wish to do.

At the price only my heart would pay.

What made me change my mind was his near-perfect smile. He was far cuter than I initially assumed and his smile blew away all traces of grumpiness that I felt the whole day. His bawdy dancing revealed a very drunken state and whenever I held his arms firmly, (every time he was about to fall) I felt his need for companion, for the night has been hard on him.

"Lasing ka na ah, nakailang bote ka na ba?" I asked.

He just smiled and raised his hand to show his four fingers.

Our dance continued without uttering a single word. Like the other dance partners I had before, there is solace in silence. It's like no matter how the music beats pounded our ears, the unspoken connection between us is what makes our bond secure. The bodily movements were never really important. It is the presence of the other that matters.

"This is the first time I've been here," he finally confessed while Janet Jackson's Feedback blared on the stereo.

"Talaga? What brought you to this place?"

"I just broke up with my ex." He said.

"When?"

"Three weeks ago." His face turned gloomy.

"Lemme guess, you broke up last October 1?"

He never uttered a single word. Instead, he leaned his head on my shoulders. Something tells me that our encounter was a serendipity. Who would have thought that I would meet someone who broke up at the same time I quit my five-year relationship. This was indeed something and our revelations lead us closer to each other.

The music played on while intimacy began to settle in. He was a very aggressive make-out partner. He would gently bite my neck, nibble my ears and still won't give me a chance to return the favor. When he would kiss me in the lips, he would grab my neck then passionately run his lips into mine. No wonder, I fought back with much passion that he would later say.

"Tangina men, ang galing mo humalik."

Much as I would like to stay and look after him (and his bag which he left somewhere near the ledge) time was against us. I already spent my gimmick pass last Friday and what kept me out last night was a "work" excuse at home.

"I thought you're gonna bring me home." He said frowning. Gotcha! My hunch was right all along, this affair would end up in bed if I don't hold back my defenses.

"But I have work at 4 am."

"Ganun? Sige na nga samahan mo lang ako magyosi sa labas. Sabay na tayo umuwi."

I agreed to extend my stay so I'd get to know more the only dance partner I had for the night. It was never my habit to switch partners like others do on the floor. Instead, when I find someone who's worth keeping, I'd stick to that person as long as he wants my company.

We went to a nearby stand since he had one stick left. The whole time we were together, I never looked at his face. The reason was simple, I find him too attractive that I felt that my presence wasn't worthy. Besides, the "market insecurities" that I raised a few weeks ago is something I still need to address. I know he was drunk and he blabbers things that probably he never meant at all. However, when he told me these words,

"Ngayon ko lang narealize ang cute mo pala."

It was as if my stock market rallied to an all time high, financial analysts would claim that I am out of recession.

We walked towards Nakpil to hail him a cab. We still talked about little things that we find interesting. His affirmation brought back my confidence that I started talking to him in equal terms. He might be three years older, but I certainly know that we might have something in common other than our prowess in bed.

"Hey can I ask you a question?"

"What is it?" He replied while putting on his aviator sunglasses.

"What music do you listen to?"

"Hmmm... Alternative and Slow Rock. Ikaw?"

"Seriously?!?"

"Yeah why?" He asked back.

"Listen to this."

I took out my iPod player and let him listen to a track that only few guys know. It's an Our Lady Peace song that I really love. A long time ago, I was so in love with that song that I swore that if anyone digs it the way I do, I'd give myself up because I've learned from my failed relationships how similarity in interests strengthen the bond between two people.

He listened to the song for a few minutes.

"OMG, we really have something in common. Isayaw natin ito men"

At the corner of Nakpil and Orosa streets, he hugged me tight despite the throngs of people around us. They're all gay alright, but at that moment, I felt that I've finally met the man I've been searching all this time.

The plan to go home at 2 am was aborted. I decided to stay with him, have another drink and dance at Chelu like our lifetime only last for one night.

---

Turned on the radio, to find you on satellite
I'm waiting for the sky to fall
I'm waiting for a sign
Though we are
It's all so far
You're falling back to me
The star that I can see yeah
I know you're out there, somewhere out there

- Somewhere Out There, Our Lady Peace

-tobecontinued-

Riverside

And when I return to that same spot by the river at exactly the same time the sun is about to set; when I sit on the pavement where we both rested our weary feet and made a pact for tomorrow; when the sky turns pale blue and the river's currents carry the wandering lotuses toward the sea,

there and then, alone and by myself,

will I hear our voices being echoed by the same water ripples that will forever resonate our memory.

---

"Alam mo, bihira ko lang gawin to... Ang maglakad ng sobrang layo na may kasama. I swear, this is out of the ordinary. Alam mo kung bakit? Madalas may nakakasama lang ako sa inuman or gimmick, pero this? Heto yatang ginawa natin ang closest sa ideal kong lakad. Hindi ko ito malilimutan..."

--

"Ano kayang feeling na maglakad diyan?" He was pointing at the abandoned Sugar Refinery across the river. "May mga mumu kaya diyan?"

"Balang araw ay magiging extension rin yan ng Rockwell," pointing out at the same abandoned refinery. "Magtatayo sila ng tulay sa ilog." I replied a little later.

--

"Would you believe that no sunsets are alike?"

"Ano yun parang kidlat, it doesn't strike twice?"

"Lightning can strike twice kala mo ba?"

--

Though the conversation started the moment I saw him waiting outside the lobby of the building, I couldn't exactly recall now (while writing this) what were our topic or topics during those time we were near the river. There were moment of silence, of course.

- Starbuckoroo: Ako at Si No Ordinary Morning

Hunger For Humanity

Bumalik ako sa barbero kaninang umaga upang magpakalbo. Wala lang, badtrip kasi kapag humahaba masyado ang buhok mo na nagmumukha itong Afro na ang kaibahan lamang ay unat ito't mahirap suklayin. Uneventful naman ang pagpapagupit. Naroon pa rin ang paborito kong barbero na sa mga oras na iyon ay walang inatupag kundi pintasan ang pagkanta ni Dennis Trillo sa palabas na Sis. Sabi niya ay sumikat lang daw yung tao eh ginawa nang singer ng Channel 7. Wala naman daw itong boses talaga at mas marami pang artista ang mas magaling kumanta sa kanya.

Bigla ko tuloy naalala si Jericho Rosales at ang kanyang flop na bandang Jeans.

Lumabas ako ng Barber Shop matapos magbayad ng 40 pesos para sa gupit. Tirik na ang sikat ng araw at kasalubong ko ang mga bagong paligong mga batang papasok pa lang sa eskwelahan malapit sa lugar. Sa isang karinderya naman na di malayo sa Barber Shop ay nagkakagulo ang mga construction workers para sa libreng sabaw ng Sinigang. Tanghali na pala at medyo kumakalam na rin ang sikmura ko.

Dalawa ang paraan para makabalik ako ng bahay. Una ay ang maglakad ng malayo patungo sa Traffic Light kung saan makakasalamuha ko ang usok at alikabok sa daan. Ang ikalawa naman ay ang umakyat ng overpass at bumaba sa kabilang side upang dumaan sa isang eskinita na magtatagos sa daan patungo sa aming bahay. Pinili ko ang ikalawa sapagkat higit man itong nakakapagod ay mas malapit ang daang ito patungo sa hapag kainan namin.

Nakarating ako sa tuktok ng overpass ng hindi man lang hiningal. Sa kabila ng tagumpay na ito'y tumambad naman sa akin ang isang matandang babae na nakalupasay sa aking lalakaran. Ang damit niya'y gusgusin samantalang isang plastic cup ng Wendy's ang nakasalang sa kanyang tabi. Ang kanyang ulunan ay natatabunan lang ng isang tagpi-tagping payong na maaring napulot niya sa basurahan sa ibaba, subalit dahil sa init ng panahon noong mga oras na iyon, ramdam ko ang kanyang pagkauhaw.

Ramdam ko ang kanyang pagkagutom.

Dahan-dahan akong lumakad patungo sa matandang babae habang hinuhugot sa brief ang aking naka-tuck na wallet. Binuksan ko ito't binilang ang aking sukli sa pagpapagupit.

60 pesos. Ang natitira kong pera kanina.

Ang bente pesos ay para sa pamasahe sa FX.

Ang sunod na bente naman ay para sa tricycle papunta sa aming gusali na nakatayo sa gitna ng karimlan ng Mandaluyong.

Ang natitirang bente pesos naman ay para sa pamasahe ko pauwi kinagabihan.

Medyo tough ang choices ko. Maari kong ipagwalang-bahala ang matandang babae gaya ng mga ibang dumaraan sapagkat lahat naman kami ay nangangailangan ng pera. Sa antibiotics pa lang ni Throatie ay ubos na ang sweldo ko ng sa sampung araw. Sa kabilang banda naman ay malinaw na hindi ako nabubuhay para sa sarili ko lamang.

Lumapit ako sa matandang babae matapos makuha ang konsenso ng aking sarili. Pinagmasdan ko ang kanyang dungising mukha, nakaluwang mga mata, at mala-kalansay na mga braso na tila hinang-hina na noong mga oras na iyon. Kagat-labing yumuko, iniunat ko ang aking kamay at inabot sa kanya ang bente pesos na magiging pamasahe ko sana sa tricycle.

Nag-abot ang aming mga kamay at kasabay noon ang pagtatama ng aming mga mata. Ni isang salita ay walang inutal ang aming mga labi ngunit alam namin sa sarili ang nais ipaabot ng bawat isa.

Doon rin nagtapos ang aming pagtatagpo.

Lumingon akong muli sa kinasasadlakan ng matandang babae bago naglakad papalayo. Nakahandusay pa rin siya sa daan, habang ang gula-gulanit niyang payong ang siyang tanging sumasanggalang sa kanya sa init ng araw.

---

Ilang oras pa ang lumipas...

Naglalakad ako sa ilalim ng sikat ng araw mula sakayan ng FX patungo sa gusali kung saan ako nagtratrabaho. Pawisan man ang aking katawan ng mga sandaling iyon, ngunit malamig naman ang bugso ng hanging dahan-dahang bumabalot sa aking puso.

Proximus

How do you keep a memory from being forgotten? The answer may be as myriad as the dry leaves falling from a tree. They scatter on the ground, with each leaf representing a moment in one's life. We are the tree, whose memory is as old as time itself. Choosing what to remember is like swaying our branches for the wind to pass over. Old leaves might be blown away, but it is the tree rings inside our trunk that keep our moments remembered.

Remembering comes in different shades and colors. While others do portraits of scenes, a photo snapshot of a moment may preserve an event for all eternity. Memories might be kept inside one's head, but its reliability might fall into question. For people like us, whose love affair with letters is as eternal as one's lifetime, we weave words in hopes that stories left written elsewhere will make us remember what was, was.

A few days ago, I stumbled on an old, online depository of memory which people from Pinoyexchange call the Wireless Journal. The WJ is a mobile service where one's thoughts can be expressed in a form of a text message. Once sent, it travels at a speed of light where it is stored and arranged in one thread, whose owner can read every time he wishes to reminisce.

My Wireless Journal represents an epoch of my life. Its avatar Proximus, was an angst-ridden kid who seeks meaning out of a life suspended in mid-air. Being the waiting successor to a business empire built on sex, news and sensationalism, he spent his days exploring his new-found sexuality while confessing a romantic feeling he could not express to his bestfriend. He whines about his erratic and often 12-hour work schedule and savors long-distance travels around Luzon. He finds solace in journeys only to get bored with destinations.

What's interesting about Proximus is the life he once had. His frustrations at work remind everyone that he is just a kid forced to assist his father run their family business. His love-hate relationship with his father reveals that despite their animosity, which Pulsar had written later in the blog, they had a bond which he could always look back and treasure. He wrote of people he met along his journey. While most of them had already exited his life, three stayed on to become a part of his present. His sexual repressions and hopeless romanticism might have echoed a very different person, (he only got de-virginized on page 37, and had his first taste of m2m relationship only on page 46) Proximus clearly shows the connection why it takes Mugen, Darkstar and Pulsar to serve as balance when romantic emotions or lust assault my heart.

Reading through Proximus, I realize how bored and restless I was in those days.

The Wireless Journal spans from the third month I crossed preference. It saw my ups (falling madly in-love with PK) and downs (the family business being stripped of its assets after the government forcibly stopped its operations). It witnessed my attempts to reach out to people like me, and my first introduction to the gay club scene alone. What is fascinating about the entries posted is that they were spontaneously thought. There were no rules involved and pure honesty is the only requirement. Unfortunately, Pinoyexchange discontinued the service less than a year after I subscribed to it. Had WJ remained online a little longer, Proximus would have also witnessed the first time I became emancipated from a gay relationship.

The rest was history.

A year later, the Pulsar blog began and it wrote mostly about my relationship with Phanks. It evolved and spawned animated alter-egos which represent the author's innermost thoughts in the face of emotional deadlocks. The evolution did not stop there. While technology offers more innovations on how to leave one's mark in history, the hunger for remembrance remains wanting. Five years after Proximus left its trace in the Wireless Journal, its reincarnation Hakken began leaving its traces in Twitter.

The pursuit of immortality indeed is a lifelong passion.

In leaving my footprints scattered all over the internet, the effort of many years of writing roller coaster emotions that seem so incoherent in those days now make sense. Proximus was a 20-year old bisexual kid when he wrote of my existence many years ago, Looking back, now that I am reading the countless entries I sent in the Wireless Journal - all those dreams, heartaches and sudden bouts of repressed lust of my youth - it seems like everything happened just yesterday.

It's like rediscovering a nearly-forgotten life and savoring its essence, knowing those moments will never happen again.

---

it all started wid words, which end n sentences, overdosed wid emotions, born wid tears that may never be cried. every meetings are partings, every places we go become witness to our story. memories are forever with u, dreams are eternity when u are close to me. i am a poem that is written in ur pages

while you, PK is the sweetest lyrics that make up my song.

- Proximus, August 18, 2002

PK is Roy aka Jollieboie.

In Dodong's Refuge

10:20 PM

"Kapatid gising ka pa?" Text ko kay Dodong habang nakaupo sa isang bakanteng work cubicle. Matagal nang nakaalis ang mga katrabaho ko, subalit dahil hindi pa ako nakaka-recover sa shock mula sa mga pangyayari noong gabing iyon ay pinili ko munang magpaliban sa opisina.

"Gising pa pero patulog na rin ako in a while. Why?"

"I just want you to know that we broke up." Makalipas pa ang ilang minuto, tumawag si Dodong sa aking telepono.

Si Dodong ang isa sa mga kauna-unahang PLU na nakilala ko. Kakasimula ko pa lang sa ganitong buhay samantalang siya naman ay isa na sa mga founders ng samahang #Manhood na kilala sa pagscre-screen ng mga potential members galing MIRc. Paniwala kasi nila na kailangang magkaroon ng hiwalay at ekslusibong samahan ang mga discreet at closet sa pangambang maari silang ma-out kung tatanggap sila ng may sablay sa grupo. Palibhasa'y sa ibang paraan kami nagkakilala ni Dodong kaya't ang mapabilang sa kanyang mga kasama ay hindi na sumagi sa akin.

Kasikatan ng Wireless Journal noon. Ito ay isang exclusive service ng Pinoyexchange kung saan maari kang mag-update ng sarili mong thread gamit ang iyong cellphone. Halimbawa'y naglalakad ka sa Shangri-La nang makita mong sinampal ni Kris Aquino si Jobert Sucaldito. Isang text lang gamit ang iyong phone at maari mo nang ikalat sa PEx ang iyong nasaksihan.

Pareho kaming miyembro ni Dodong sa Wireless Journal. Straight man ang aming front sa mga tao roon subalit matapos naming mabasa ang update ng bawat isa, di naglaon ay nagkahulihan rin kami ng aming mga tinatago. Matapos ang isang biglaang eyeball na nauwi sa pagpapakilala ko pa sa aking mga bagong kaibigan ilang linggo ang lumipas, simula noon ay lagi nang nagkru-krus ang aming landas.

Marami na rin kaming pinagsamahan ng aking kaibigan. Naroon na naging maghouse-mate kami ng walong buwan. Nakapasok kami ng Mint (Malate) for the first time na halos manginig ang binti sa kaba. Nasaksihan ko ang kauna-unahan niyang high-profile na break-up, samantalang siya naman ang nakarinig sa akin na humagulgol sa cellphone nang makipag-split ang una kong buddy sa akin. Pitong taon na ang lumipas ngunit ang pagkakaibigan namin ay hindi kumukupas. Alang-alang sa napakatagal naming pinagsamahan, isa siya sa una kong pinagsabihan ng break-up.

"Kapatid, nandito na ako sa gate ng condo mo."

"Wait ka lang, baba ako."

Malamig ang gabing iyon at wala nang taong naglalakad sa kalsada. Palibhasa'y kabilang street lang ang condo ni Dodong mula opisina kaya't madali lang sa akin makipagkita sa aking kaibigan. Sa piling ng apat na bote ng San Mig Light na pinagsaluhan naming dalawa, inilahad ko sa kanya ang buong nangyari. Sabi niya, anticipated na niya ang break up ilang taon pa lang ang aming binibilang ni ex. Ang hindi lang niya ma-gets ay kung bakit ganun katagal ako nag-intay bago nakipaghiwalay.

---

Para akong nanalo sa jackpot noong gabing iyon. Sa aking harapan ay naroon si Dodong na kasa-kasama ko na bago ko pa man masubukan makipagtalik sa kapwa lalaki. Sa phone naman ay tuloy ang buhos ng text message mula sa mga kaibigang nakabalita ng aking paglaya.

"Hehehe. And i feel 4 d first time a smile of great relief from u. M happy 4 u." Ang text sa akin ni Kuya Trey. Sa totoo ay masayang masaya ako nang gabing iyon. Sa sobrang saya ko nga ay pati boss ko na walang alam sa aking sexual preference ay binalitaan ko ng break-up na may bahid ng ngiti sa aking mukha.

Sa kabila ng aking kagalakan, alam kong may isang tao na naghihinagpis sa mga nangyari. Hindi makakaila na putulin ko man ang aking koneksyon sa taong ito ay naroon pa rin ang pag-aalala sa kanyang kalagayan. Ang munting pagdiriwang sa bahay ni Dodong ay pampalubag-loob lamang sa aking mga haharapin sa susunod na mga araw. Hindi ko man sabihin sa aking mga kaibigan nang mga oras na iyon, ngunit ang assurance nila ay sapat na upang maitawid ang magdamag na buo at walang pagdududa sa aking ginawa.

Kay tagal kong inasam maging single at ngayong ito'y nagawa ko na, ang aking desisyon ay wala nang atrasan pa.

---

Mabilis ang mga pangyayari nang sumunod na araw. Upang makasiguro na walang makakahabol sa akin, pinapalitan ko ang aking cellphone number magbayad man ako ng malaki para dito. Kasabay nito ang pag-delete sa kanyang connection sa aking friendster at pati na rin ang pagpapalit ng aking profile picture at pangalan upang hindi niya ako mahanap sa website na iyon.

Sa tulong ni Mami Athena ay na-block ko ang kanyang email address sa aking Yahoo Account. Hangad man niya mag send sa akin ng e-mail upang pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay ay tiyak na mapupunta lamang ang kanyang mensahe sa spam folder. Desperate times need desperate measures sabi nga nila.

Marahil ay kung umuupa ako ng bahay ay naisipan ko rin lumipat ng matitirhan huwag lamang niya akong makita. Mabuti na lamang at hindi pa niya natutunton ang aking pinagtra-trabahuhan kaya't ito'y lagi kong magiging taguan sa tuwing hahanapin niya ako sa bahay. Sa ikalawang linggo ng aking kalayaan ay tinamaan naman ako ng isang matinding karamdaman. Marami ang nagsasabi na si Throatie ay bunga ng stress at paranoia na akin nang nararamdaman bago ko pa man maisipan humiwalay sa kanya at magsolo ng landas.

Malayo pa ang umaga sabi nga ni Rey Valera, at sa kaso naming dalawa, ang banta ng kanyang pagbabalik ay higit na napapatotohanan ngayong nasasanay na ako sa buhay mag-isa.

"Tumawag nga pala si Phanks kanina." Pahabol ng aming kasambahay nang mag-check ako sa bahay kanina.

"Ano sabi?" Mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.

"Kung pwede daw makitulog dito sa bahay sa Sabado, nag-iwan nga ng number sa akin eh."

"Pag tumawag ulit, sabihin mo wala ako sa bahay sa Sabado."

Lubhang masakit ang siya'y bitawan. Ngunit ang alaala na kanyang dala na tila isang bangungot na pilit ko mang kalimutan.

Ay maaring maging dahilan upang matagalan pa bago ko makita ang hinaharap na pagkatagal-tagal ko nang pinapangarap.

---

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that
We needed
Some time and space to breathe

- Kim Sozzi, Letting Go

Bastusan Time

Sent ng barkada ko sa akin:

DOH Advisory No 3426-2008. In response to the milk contamination we urge the public to avoid sucking breast of Chinese women. Please pass to potential suckers...

Hindi ako nagpatalo siyempre. Trip ko mang gago ngayon, kaya heto ang reply ko:

Sori iba sinusuck ko sa Chinese. Walang melamin yun. Protein only.

Hanggang ngayon, no reply mula sa sender. Wala yata sa mood mamilosopo.

A Semblance of Normalcy

An old hermit once said that the body follows what the mind perceives. If the mind thinks that the body is sick, then the body withers like a plant left to thrive under sun-baked earth.

The bacteria, which currently thrives on my throat remains resistant to the antibiotics. Nevertheless, no matter how slow the recovery is, I feel much better now compared to two nights ago. The pain of swallowing remains a problem, but at least I don't choke when phlegm runs down my throat. The medical bill however is a different story. Since I am required to take antibiotics three times a day which cost a hundred per tablet, maintaining the medicine cuts deep into my pocket. If I let my hedonistic aspirations take over my priorities when I recover, there is no doubt that I will end up in the red long before the new month arrives.

In such precarious state, I am left with only two choices: Extend my rest day by calling another sick leave, or force myself back to work so I can earn my keep. It would be easy to call in sick, since my mother had already intervened yesterday on my behalf. The supervisors will surely understand my condition since I never go absent on critical days like today. However, I realized that resting did not do wonders to improve my condition. On the contrary, being bedridden left a stench of sickness that I am still trying to fumigate out of my room.

So I went to work to earn money.
And my income for today will go directly to buying medicines tomorrow.

The thought of earning is already a plausible reason to take risk and compromise my being. In fact, now that I think about it, I haven't used my sick leaves since the policy was implemented at work a few years ago. I could use it now to cover my expenses, but there are deeper reasons why I have to go to work.

The mind desperately seeks any semblance of normalcy - even if illness had taken over my bodily functions. And like the hermit said on the opening sentence, to let the mind perceive an improved reality, might convince the body to believe that such reality truly exists.

Even if in truth, they are not.

The eight-hour shift went smoothly. I did what the clients expect me to do and on the sidelines, I was able to update my friends who were in Yahoo Messenger about my condition. Except for some occasional shift in body temperature and some punctured moments where I thought that my throat will give up, things were almost normal.

I even went to the gym after work, hoping that I could just sweat out the toxins.

The repercussions however, is a different matter. The threat of an imminent backfire remains a sharp pole that is lodged on my throat. As my tonsils begin to act up again, and my body temperature starts swinging erratically, leaving me close to shivering under the sheets,

I have at least achieved something only morons would ever dare doing:

Push myself to the edge of my limits.

The liberation for the throat remains a protracted battle, but the semblance of normalcy remains a beacon of hope. Come hell or high water, it is my fervent wish that I will fully recover before the next week begins.

---

-tobecontinued-

Throatie

It has been almost five years since I last stayed at a hospital. The cause of such unfortunate confinement: Throat Infection. I cannot remember what triggered the runaway affliction. Was it because of swallowing fluids that must not be taken when your Tonsils are not in a good shape? Or was it because of not paying attention to the antibiotics that you were taking and letting the bacteria become immune to it?

I am not sure.

What I do remember is that the Tonsillitis became so severe that I developed a fever a few days after the throat showed symptoms of impairment. On the fifth day, I was advised by the doctor that a bed rest will not suffice. What I needed were high dosages of antibiotics that will have to pass through tubes that were connected to my veins.

It was the first time intravenous medicine entered my system and I tell you, those were the worst days of my life.

I recovered a few days later, but we had to spend more than 30 thousand pesos for the lodging and the medicines while inside the hospital. My poor mother had to brace through several nights of sleeplessness while I shriveled and chilled due to high fever. The antibiotics that were prescribed by the doctor took days before they were able to rout the bacteria.

Therefore, when my throat gets a little uneasy and I feel a little difficulty swallowing foods,

I cannot help but get worried.

Because I always remember that hospital confinement where a throat infection almost cost me my life.

It's been almost a week since my throat began to act up again. I suspect that it was the night-out last Saturday. I should not have forced myself to go clubbing when I knew I had no more energy reserves for the night. Though it was my fervent hope that I would completely recover after three days without taking any medication, it seems like the Salabat and the chemical reaction from the bottles of beer that I drank backfired on my throat.

Things got worse last night.

I decided to take antibiotics out of fear that it may develop into another runaway Tonsillitis.

However, three tablets and several hours of bed rest later, things aren't improving yet. I did not go to work today to have some rest, but it seems it isn't working at all.

I am a little scared
but I will take my chances.

However, if things get worse...

---

-tobecontinued-

Ten Minutes Before Sunrise

Bumangon ako
mula sa mahimbing na
pagtulog upang
matiyak na anuman ang
mangyari, ayos ka lang
at naroon pa rin sa iyong
trabaho.

I thought it was the boner.
All along it was you.

---

I hate it when a massive boner wakes you up from sleep... Especially when you're dreaming something kinky. Ugh

Twitter Message, 5:05 am, Mobile Text

As The Final Hour Falls

I guess if you look at love and relationship as something that you should work for, then its value depends on how much effort you put on it.

- Jericho, The Longest-Running-Whatever of my Entire Gay Life

---

Maulap ang kalangitan at nagbabadyang bumuhos ang ulan noong hapong iyon. Malamig sa aking workstation at tumaon namang nakalubog muli sa putik ang mood ko. Habang pilit inaangat ang aking sarili sa pamamagitan ng pakikipag-usap sa mga kaibigan sa Yahoo Messenger, isang text message ang natanggap ko mula sa isang taong buong desperasyon kong pilit iniiwasan.

Si ex.

"Asawa ko bakit hindi ka po nagpaparamdam sa akin? Masama po ang pakiramdam ko at nilalagnat po ako ngayon. Sana makapunta ka dito at maabutan mo ako ng pera pambili ng gamot. Pasensya na po sa abala."

Kung ang text message na ito ay natanggap ko noong sinaunang panahon, hindi ako magdadalawang isip dumayo ng napakalayo upang iabot sa kanya ang pera na pambili ng gamot. Nagawa ko na ito minsan at umuwi akong durog ang puso matapos ang panic at pag-aalala. Kasabay nito ang pagkagising sa katotohanang ni minsan ay hindi ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya sa tuwing ako naman ang may karamdaman.

Higit na sumadsad ang aking mood matapos matanggap ang kanyang text message. Naroon ang pag-aalala, ang pagka-badtrip, ang pagdududa, at ang pakiramdam ng pagkagamit. Sawang sawa na ako sa ganitong sitwasyon at laging ako ang talo - sa pera at effort - sa tuwing siya ang agrabyado.

Matapos magyosi sa banyo, bumalik ako sa workstation upang nagvent-out kay Squarepants na una kong nakausap sa Yahoo.

Marahil ay dahil sa gulo na rin ng isip, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga nasabi ko. Hindi ko na rin mabilang kung ilan pang mga kaibigan ang hiningan ko ng payo tungkol sa aking emotional crisis. Naroon si Philander, si Rico, si Pinuno - at si Dabo na siyang huli kong nakausap ilang oras matapos ang shift. Malinaw sa akin na awa na lang ang natitira sa aming relasyon at alam kong hindi ito sapat upang tumagal pa kami gaya ng lagi kong pinapanalangin sa tuwing nadadayo ako sa simbahan.

---

Ilang linggo na ang nakakaraan nang sabihin ko kay ex na nasira ang phone ko. Sabi ko sa kanya na maari akong makatanggap ng text message, subalit hindi ako makakareply dito. Nasambit ko ang dahilang ito upang maiwasan niya ang pagtetext ng mga sweet nothings sa tuwing magpapadala siya ng text message sa akin. Sobrang sakit kasi ang maramdaman na ang mga sweet nothings na ito ay wala nang tama sa puso ko.

At higit na masakit ang magreply dito na walang laman ang bawat sinasabi mo.

Namimiss po kita.
Sana magkayakap na po tayo.
Mahal na mahal po kita.

Paano mo mararamdaman ang mga bagay na ito kung ang tanging nagpapatakbo sa inyong relasyon ay pera? Paano mo mamimiss ang isang tao kung ang tanging dahilan niyo upang mag-usap ay upang makinig ka at magpayo sa kanyang mga issues na sa totoo'y wala naman direktang kinalaman sa iyo?

Tumagal kami ng taon na hindi ko nalalaman kung saang mga bagay kami nagkakasundo.

---

"I don't want to see him. I want him completely out of my life." Reply ko kay Dabo sa chat nang tanungin niya ako kung may pag-asa pa ba kaming maging magkaibigan ni ex. Marahil ay ikinagulat niya ito sapagkat sa tuwing nag-uusap kami tungkol sa problemang relasyon ay ni minsan ay hindi ako naging matigas pagdating sa gusto kong mangyari sa aming dalawa.

Pumatak ang bawat minuto na parang nag-iintay ako ng delubyo. The lull before the storm, ang sabi ko nga sa isang kausap sa chat. Sampung minuto bago mag-alas diyes, nakatanggap ako ng text message, muli, sa taong iniiwasan ko. Dito na nagsisimula ang komprontasyon at sa isip ko, handa ko nang isugal ang lahat para sa aking kalayaan.

"Nagkasakit na ako at lahat hindi ka man lang nagparamdam sa akin."

Gamit ang cellphone ng katrabaho, bumawi ako sa text niya.

"Baon na ako sa utang at problema, isasabit mo pa ang sarili mo."

"Ah ganun, simula ngayon hindi na ako magpaparamdam sa iyo." Ito ang naintindihan ko sa kanyang reply. Sa totoo, pilit ko pa ring iniiwasan makipag-prangkahan sa kanya.

"Huwag ka mag-alala. Pagkatapos ng trimester, isasauli ko na ang laptop at lahat ng binigay mo sa akin." Pagkabasa ng text message na ito, nagkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob gumawa ng opensiba.

"Mabuti pa siguro magpalamig muna tayo. Hindi na maganda ang nangyayari sa atin."

"Ano ibig mo sabihin, wala na tayo?"

"Ang sabi ko, huwag muna tayong mag-usap. Pag-isipan muna natin ang mga bagay-bagay. Huwag ka na magreply, ibabalik ko na ang phone sa may-ari."

Sadyang palaban ang kausap ko. Pilit man niya sigurong umasa na magiging mabuti pa ang mga bagay sa aming dalawa, nararamdaman rin niya ang aming katapusan."

"Diretsuhin mo ako, ayoko ng nakabitin..."

Napaisip ako ng ilang minuto. Alam kong wala na akong stake sa aming relasyon at hangad ko na ang lumaya. Sa kabilang banda, ayaw ko naman siyang isuko hangga't hindi namin natatapos ang kanyang pag-aaral.

Masyadong marami na kasi akong isinugal makita lamang ang kanyang tagumpay.

Ibabalik ko na sana ang phone nang bigla kong naalala ang tagubilin ni Mami Athena nang minsang magtawag ng cool-off si ex at ako naman ay dali-daling dumiretso ng Cubao matapos ang shift upang magpakalasing sa bakuran ng aking nanay-nanayan.

"Isipin mo na lang ano ang sasabihin ng nanay mo, matapos ka niyang dinala ng siyam na buwan sa sinapupunan kung malalaman niya na sinasayang mo ang buhay at kasiyahan mo sa iisang tao lamang."

Tama si Mami. Magunaw man ang mundo, gumawa man ng eskandalo ang taong iiwanan ko, papanig pa rin ang aking ina sa akin.

Namumutla at nanginginig man ang kanang kamay, dahan-dahan kong tinype sa screen ang aking pamamaalam. Ni minsan ay hindi ko hinangad na ako ang makipag-split up, subalit sa pagkakataong ito, makakabuti sa aming dalawa ang paghihiwalay.

"Paalam, Break na tayo."

Message sent.

10:07 pm, October 1, 2008. Natamo ko ang aking kalayaan.

Hindi na kami nag-usap matapos noon at gumawa ako ng mga paraan upang hindi niya ako marating, anuman ang kanyang gawin. Isang linggo matapos ang mga pangyayari, laman pa rin ng isip ko ang kanyang pagbabalik. Ito'y nanunuot na pangamba na sa tuwing naiisip ko'y nagiging dahilan ng aking panghihina.

Isang linggo matapos makamit ang kalayaan,

sa totoo'y hindi ko pa rin alam paano mamuhay ng malaya.