TGIF

Somebody cared to wake me up this morning, that's why I managed to drag myself to work even though I was an hour late...

Wait, now I remember, it's my mom who woke me up using her phone. She kept on ringing my Nokia 3100 till I got out of bed. I went down to the kitchen, had brunch, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and then put on my clothes for work. I never took a bath, and hopefully, no one would ever notice my stinky smell.

At work, as usual, there are no tasks to complete. I have to wait till after lunch until someone would notice me and give me some other things to do. I was about to do some media research (thanks to my initiatives today) when my female boss asked me to encode some things for her. From 11 AM till 6 this evening, I was typing some data from a manual. If you ask me, boring yung pinagawa sakin tas mukha tuloy ako ginawang secretary. Pero at least, hindi ko kailangang mag-isip, andun na sa desk yung dapat kong trabahuhin.

At higit sa lahat, walang nakakita saking natutulog sa work. Hehehe. Maybe it was still a good thing she allowed me to do that favor for her. I feel so accomplished, even though I never received my salary today.

---

Arrjae reported for work. Ok naman siya, di nga lang kami masyado nakapagusap tungkol sa mga buhay buhay namin. He seemed so preoccupied with his fitness regimen, in fact, someone from Fitness First called me a while ago asking if I would like to try their promo - a free fitness training program for a day only. The lady said Arrjae referred me. After several inquiries from the lady, I decided to grab the opportunity. I reserved a slot for an afternoon training tomorrow. Hopefully attending this single training would somehow change my life, and make me feel much better.

Lately, I always feel down and uncomfortable with myself. Blame it on my massive figure, but whenever I looked at the mirror (or gaze upon the hunky and half-naked ledge dancers at BED), naiisip ko, could I achieve such a body? Could I one day go up on a ledge and then proudly fulfill my dream of becoming an exhibitionist? Who knows, this might be the first step in achieving that dream. Anyway, if I have an objective if ever I decide to pursue this enterprise, my goal is to feel better and reclaim the confidence I once had before people started pulling me down.

---

And I have to share this lesson with you guys. Lately, I feel like my bud takes me for granted. Pakiramdam ko, ako na lang yung laging humahabol sa kanya, laging naghahanap sa kanya, at laging unang nagpaparamdam sa kanya. I think I spoiled him too much... maybe because no matter how I try to deny it, nakadepende na rin ang sarili ko sa kanya eh (just like I'm doing now, I keep on staring at my phone hopefully he'll send me a message). I got a little pissed off this afternoon. I gave him extra credits last night so that I can always expect a reply from him whenever I send him a text message, but come this afternoon, I checked him out but he never responded. I called him before his lunch break ended and he just told me to call later, nagmamadali daw siya.

I never called.

Before I went home from work, I tried to call him up again, but he never answered. Until now, I am waiting for a message from him but still, there was no response. Siguro kailangan ko na makipagmatigasan. I have to let him know how it feels like waiting for someone. I am slightly mad, somehow paranoid, and a little bit cranky right now.

My deranged mind keeps on telling me that he's cheating on me, using my load to flirt with other guys, I also feel that he is joining SEBs (sex eyeballs) and ONS (one night stands) behind my back and secretly is into FUBU relationship with someone. Of course, if I follow this feeling (which is slightly gaining the upper hand right now), I would have done the same... (go to BED, cruise for guys, have sex and then flirt with them afterward, make a fling out of some other guys I date, find a better partner, and then dump Phanks afterward). Honestly, I really feared thinking about these things, that's why I try my best to think of a lot of logical reasons whenever he lets me feel this way. I'm a very paranoid guy and sometimes, the only thing that I clung to when I feel like this is his assuring words that no one else comes close like what I do. Sana totoo. Ang hirap ng ganito. Di ko alam kung paano ko tuturuan ang sarili ko na magtiwala...

(Di ko talaga siya matiis... try ko nga muna tumawag ulit sa kanya...)

So tama ang hinala ko. He's bad trip, he's not in the mood, thus I once again suffer. I know, there is a big problem on my part. I can't help but think TOO much about him. Siguro unconsciously, my fears force me to respond this way. I should put a diversion to stop me from acting this way - I should put a very good diversion but what? Maybe I could install another PC Game or find another time-consuming interest such as going to places, hanging out with friends, rediscovering my childhood pastimes, etc. But I know, my bud would still slip into my consciousness despite the preoccupation of the moment... the only diversion that will truly liberate my consciousness and focus that I know, is that of having an interest in other people...

You see, despite my strong stand against polygamy, I am not really immune to it. There are times I get tempted or times when I think about what if someone better comes along? I could have committed a mistake a long time ago if I didn't believe in us, but so far, that's what makes us united. My enduring belief is that all we have is each other. I don't know about him, I don't know how he thinks about our relationship but for me, I find this relationship priceless. It moves me, it gives me strength, and it drives me to think beyond myself but in doing so, I'm concerned that I'm becoming overboard.

Maybe I really need to keep a distance and try to move all by myself. Maybe I should think of diversions - clean diversions from time to time. Maybe I should boost my confidence. I become so clingy whenever I am down. I think I am becoming overprotective and overly concerned with the affairs of my bud...

Maybe I should give him more space.

Ika nga nila, let him be free, and when he comes back to you then you'll know how strong his love really is to you.

---

I heard the news last night about a family who was burned to death in Quezon City. This morning, Manila Bulletin published a picture of the woman, burned beyond recognition, headless and her flesh and fats gaping from her charred body while the police gently put her in a body bag.

Imagine seeing those pictures while eating your favorite breakfast.... that's too disturbing.