Cornered

I woke up this morning feeling depressed.

It's been a while since I felt that feeling. I used to get excited and overjoyed to wake up before the sun is up, but today everything's so stale and lonely.

First, it was because of my bud and his neverending rant about life. At first, I could still manage his rantings but lately, it slowly penetrates my system. Last night, after dodging it once again, I told him straight that I'm getting really tired. I have so many things to worry and his problems overshadow mine.

What irritates me is that I gave him all the options and recommendations, then he'll reason me out that he can't do such things and that my way is so different from what he had known all his life. Then I asked him about his plans...

He was silent.

I can't blame him for his rantings. First, because it is his nature. Second, I am the only one he could run to whenever he feels those things. Ika nga sa kanya, "sakin lang talaga siya nakakapagkwento tungkol sa problemang pamilya/pansarili niya." Talk about buddy-centric relationships. Weird, somehow Fyro came into my mind pero naah, I hope he's doing well coping to his bud.

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So ok, I'm good at running away from the problems. In fact, I could win a marathon simply because I resort to abandoning hell whenever it catches me. However, I've realized that you can't run away all the time from conflicts. Sometimes you have to face it head-on.

Like what's happening to Mama.

Ever since I found out that her bukol had grown steadily, I felt this disturbance within. Although we have a doctor - a surgeon in the family, but still it isn't enough to let me have a piece of mind. If I could only express the horror of what I've been thinking ever since last night, I might have broke down already.

...but all I can do is lock myself up in the room, and hope that everything would be fine. At least, my mom feels pain. It would be very dangerous if she felt nothing.

And this morning she said, she's feeling better. I just hope she's not covering it up.

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Today, my bud is also scheduled to have his urinalysis and cretinin test. Ewan ko ba naman kung bakit pero minsan tingin ko eh medyo may pagka-hypochondriac ang lover ko. Sabagay, ibang iba kami. Mamamatay na lang siguro ako, saka pa lang ako aangal na may masakit sakin. Sa kanya eh konting abnormalities lang eh hala, pa-check up kaagad.

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Tinatamad akong pumasok.

I feel so helpless and lonely.

The day is just starting...

but somehow, I feel so pooped out already.