Bistado

"Pare bakla ka daw sabi ni Ponkan." Intro sakin nung ka-tropa ko nung college. "Pinagkakalat niya samin ni Sam, pero pinagtatawanan lang namin kasi imposibleng maging ganun ka... madami ka na ngang nakantot na babae diba?"

Uh oh... this is what I've been very afraid of. Rumors are already circulating and my security has already been compromised.

"Hindi ah." I replied. Then I diverted the conversation to another of our ka-tropa who is having a relationship with a 35-year-old woman...

This is what worries me a lot - being discovered by people who believed that I am straight. I could fully accept my sexual orientation to other straight persons, but when it comes to confronting my issues with my college friends and classmates, I would rather deny my existence than face the consequences of my decision to come out.

You see, this is the reason why a lot of very discreet men chose to hide their sexuality rather than announce it to everyone - especially to their straight male friends. The straight folks only see the effeminate picture and completely deny the existence of people like us. No matter how we try to accept ourselves as homos to fellow homos, no matter how we claim that we're proud of our sexuality when we proclaim it to the gay world - when it comes to confronting our demons in the face of a straight guy.

Tumutupi pa rin tayo.

Eto ang downside ng pagiging masculine non-straight, dehado ka sa mga straight, dehado ka pa sa mga effeministang inggit na inggit sayo.

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As I've said yesterday, I would attend the despedida of my ex-wife. This ex-wife of mine was my bride when we had this undercover project for our Investigative Journalism two years ago. So hayun, kinasal kami - walang birth certificate, walang parental consent, walang papers na kahit ano. Ang mga witnessess namin eh mga classmates rin namin at may kasama pang videocam ang kasal namin.

A "priestess" officiated our civil wedding for a mere sum of P2,700 pesos only. Ang galing no?

I wonder, can they marry two guys too? What if next time we try?

Mamimiss ko rin siya. Medyo maliit yung gathering namin kanina, but she seemed very happy to see us before she leaves for Cebu to settle there. Bah, siya ata pinaka-cool sa mga classmates kong babae nung college. Kung pwede lang sana balikan ang mga panahong yun.

Mas lalo pa siguro ko pinasaya ang mga araw namin sa Arts and Letters.

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After the despedida, I immediately said my goodbyes and directly went to BED. As usual, soloflight na naman ako and it's really quite difficult to be in a place where you don't even have an acquaintance to greet. However, the risk of committing a mistake isn't as serious as the last time I was there, pero ngayon ko na-realize kung gaano ka-importante ang may matinong barkada sa ganitong buhay.

A barkada you could be proud of and fight for when someone puts them down. Wala lang, wala ka maakbayan, walang kang makasayaw na hindi ka magwoworry na baka bigla ka na lang kuyumusin ng halik ang labi mo, at higit sa lahat, ang hirap pala ng feeling ng nag-iisa ka lang. I saw Bed as a very pretentious place kanina, and the only humans you know are your own PLU family.

Maybe that's why I expected so much from them... With all the pretensions and perversions I see in Malate, the only people whom I can always trust myself are still, the Outsiders...

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Nakakalungkot ang mag-isa, buti na lang nakatagpo ako ng mga kakilala doon.

I met Kenji Montoya and Rupher's ex bud at BED a while ago. They were with friends from IRC together with the fabulous and eccentric fag-bitch Razz. At least, their presence is a relief especially for a lonely and down guy like... Etong si Kenjimon, 11 months ago nung una namin siyang dinala ni James sa Malate eh talagang kumakabog ang dibdib kapag napapalapit sa mga gay spots doon, pero ngayon, siya na ang nag-aaya magpunta sa mga lugar na dati rati ay kinatatakutan niya.

Talk about evolution... Kenji is the best example of how SMKs transform to become a...

Ika nga ni parekoy at ni Meng-Meng, paganda ng paganda ang buhok niya ever!.

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And about Razz, I've seen her with gay companions for almost two years already - ever since the glory days of Mansoc. (MIRC) Meng-Meng once told me that that girl only hangs around with non-straight guys. Tuloy tingin niya sa sarili niya eh isang bakla na rin. The worse is... she hangs around with effem guys... which she torridly kisses whenever she likes. Talk about atrocious behavior. And I saw awhile ago how she made laplapan with Kenji and the rest of her gay friends. Kaya nga ba ayaw ko makipagsayaw sa kanya eh, punyeta mamaya baka pati ako halikan eh parang nakipaglaplapan na rin ako sa mga lalaking yun.

Her eccentricities fascinate me. From the way she wears her dress, to her anik-anik over her chubby body and to her preference of friends. Ano kaya ang mangyayari kapag pinasama mo siya sa mga totoong babae? Ano kaya kung mabuntis siya ng isa sa mga baklang kaibigan niya? I've heard she tried to have sex with some of her gay friends. Naahh, ayaw kong isipin. Gusto ko lang isuka lahat ng nakain ko sa District Bar kanina.

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Parang humina ang powers ko mula nung sabihan ako ng ka-tropa ko nung kumakalat na balita. And to think nagpalit pa siya ng damit sa harap ko nung sinamahan ko siya sa apartment niya kanina...

Suddenly I want to act straight for a while.

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Today the moon will reach its perfect full moon phase. Lola Aguiding, my ever-disgusting but loving astrologer suggests that I should be home by 10 pm. Oh well, no parties tonight Proxi. You should let your ATM recuperate and have a rest for a change.