All It Takes Is A Little Acceptance

I've been spending years and years trying to find the right words and perfect sentences just to express my thoughts the way I wanted them to say.

I would have dreamed of writing with my soul and not just with my head alone.

But what would you do, if no matter how you try to search within your self, it appears that your soul is empty? What if no matter how you try to force your feelings out? All you get are thoughtless paragraphs?

That's what I'm feeling right now. I really have a lot to say, but it appears that for the nth time... Words have left me.

I am having a writer's block again.

State Of National Emergency

Part Cuatro (Finale) - 10:35 pm

Twenty four hours had passed and finally my computer is up and running again. It took me an entire day just to wait for the technician to arrive, He came at a very later time than what we have agreed upon. So the rest of the afternoon all I did is wait and wait.

So far everything is working fine. I have installed most of the major software programs back to the PC - except my Sims2 University which appears to be corrupted; and my Limewire which needed a java program to work.

Still it would take two more days for everything to hopefully settle down. Good thing, the whole installation operation took longer than expected. When it was finished, I was pretty tired to even go out.

Now that my computer is back online, I think its a very good reason to stay inside my room even though it's so damn hot in here.

Part Tres - 2:47 pm

It is like a massive planetary evacuation. There is no other choice but to reformat the entire system in hopes that my personal computer would work again. Up to this point, I am not sure how much damage did the accident cost me. But if I needed to buy a new video card, might as well include a bigger hard disk with it.

Three blank CDs were used to back up the files that would be affected by such reformatting.

The first to be backed-up were the priceless batch of new Mp3s. So far, when I played it on the DVD player, all the songs appeared to be working. Next in line were the photos and documents that were stored on my drive C. I would still have to check whether they are working or not.

Lastly, I attempted to back up the massive Sims 2 folder that contains all the data from my present game. Actually it was that frigging game that is the reason for my OS' corruption. Hopefully, my back up would be successful. After all, aside from my Mp3s, this folder is the second most important data cluster I have to save.

In 30 minutes, hopefully the technician would arrive. I cannot stand being in a situation like this.

Part Dos - 12:45 am

For some reasons, my computer regained control of its display settings. But after a test run of Sims2 Open For Business, it appears that my computer is having problems with: 1. Its 2-year old video card; 2. Its Windows xp operating system; or 3. Both the hardware and software have problems.

As a precaution, I have already contacted a technician to deal with the problem tomorrow. Hopefully he could isolate the problem. But if it would require me to make a premature upgrading, I would not think twice of doing so. After all I would not stand a day without a PC.

Whatever happens, I am bound to reinstall my Windows xp.

I am not sure how long my OS would remain stable. First thing in the morning, I would make a back up copy of all the most recent mp3s I downloaded using Limewire.

---

Part Uno - 10:41 pm

Logging from somewhere offshore...

This is what happens when my computer breaks down. All hell breaks loose. By hook or by crook, my computer must be running by tomorrow morning. Even if it would cost a fortune just to make it work again, so be it.

This is the phanksmaster, temporarily signing off...

Limewire Download

Sabi nila, pag bading ka daw expected sayo ang mahilig sa mga diva. Ilan ba sa mga kaibigan ko ang umaming die-hard Mariah fan sila? Sa kabilang banda naman, meron humihirit na maka-Madonna sila. Ilang contingent ba ang inatrasan ko matapos kong malaman na manonood pala ng concert ni Kyla ang mga kasama ko? Pati buddy ko hindi ko maarok ang music taste dahil masyadong malayo sa totoong hilig ko.

Nakakatuwang isipin na minsan, may kausap akong lesbian na kaklase ko noong college. Sa pag-uusap namin nasabi ko kung ano ang mga music na hilig ko. Habang binabanggit ko isa-isa ang mga favorites ko, nasabi na lang niya sa akin na "bading ka ba talaga? hindi mo dapat music yan ah!"

Wala na akong nasabi pagkatapos.

Sabagay nga naman, wala talaga akong kasundo pagdating sa music taste ko. At most, kung meron man kung hindi lesbian eh straight na lalaki. Banggitin ko sa kapwa kong bading ang Snow Patrol at Nada Surf, ewan ko lang kung may maka-relate sa akin. Sabihin kong mas magaling si Sarah Mclachlan kesa kay Regine Velasquez na ang talent ay bumirit lang, hindi malayong may magpa-salvage sa akin sa muling pagbisita ko sa BED.

---

Tanda ko pa tuloy noong may isa akong ka-trabaho na effeminate. Kapag nagrerequest siya ng kantang ipapa-download sa akin, kung hindi Smashing Pumpkins ito eh Natalie Merchant. Sa totoo, napaka-ironic para sa kanya ang makursunada ang mga music na ganun - pero tuloy pa rin siya. Minsan nagrereklamo na ang iba naming kasama sa mga pinapatugtog niya pero siya itong tuloy tuloy pa rin at walang sawang nakikinig ng sarili niyang music.

Naalala ko rin ang isang time na meron kaming inaamoy na ka-trabaho ni Jimbo. Sabi ko sa kanya sa IM na sa music taste pa lang ng isang tao may idea ka na kung ano ang orientation ng isang lalaki - o babae for that matter. At nang ang inaamoy namin ay nag Britney at Christina marathon sa loob ng 45 minutes, hayun at pagkatapos ng araw na yun napagkasunduan naming mataas talaga ang tendency niya - kung hindi man siya kloseta.

Wala lang, naisip ko lang ang mga bagay na ito nang minsang nagsosound trip ako na puro alternative. Naisip ko, bakit sa dinami-dami ng mga bading na kilala ko, bilang lang sa daliriang totoong nakakausap ko pagdating sa mainstream music ko? Putsa, wala pa nga akong naka-sound trip ni isa eh. Ganun ba talaga ka eccentric ang taste ko sa mundong ginagalawan ko?

Haay, nangangarap pa rin ako ng araw na may makakainuman ako na tugma pareho ang taste namin kahit sa sounds man lang. Don't get me wrong though, nakikinig rin naman ako sa Pop kahit paano. Yun nga lang, may staple ako na iba sa staple ng mga kapareho ko. Siguro kapag may kumanta sa akin ng Adam's Song o kaya ng Boston, ay tangina mahahalikan ko talaga. Dream ko pa rin na mag-road trip ng may (mga) kasama na puro light alternative at alternative lang ang nasa playlist namin. Mangyari man yun at malaman kong pareho pala kami ng wavelength ng utak, alam kong na-meet ko ang isa sa mga soulmates ko.

Pero hangga't hindi nangyayari yun, heto ako't patuloy na magdodownload ng alternative sa internet, malay ko ba, baka ang isa pala sa makakabasa nitong entry kong ito ay ganun rin ang sentimento.

Soul Of A Mustard Seed

The cool wind blows from the east and it made me look up to blue sky only to see it clear of any dark and heavy clouds or traces of a storm passing. The sun radiantly sets in the west, leaving a trail of stunningly beautiful shadows of everything its rays touches. I close my eyes and try to feel the tranquility emanating from within me. For I know, I am one with the Creator, this is the heaven I only know.

Unexplained life changes turn to miracles, for it is the Creator's masterpiece to leave things a mystery beyond human comprehension. Tiny things that makes a person happy should be attributed to Him. For as they say, He is most felt when appreciating things that in the first place seemed so unoticeable.

Always think of Him as a friend and not as an angry God to be worshipped and appeased. Pray to Him inside your room, where you can talk to him directly through your own heart. Do good things as much as possible, for bad habits is a part of life. Trust me, no matter how you ask for forgiveness, we are just human not to commit the same mistake over and over again. Believe in Karma, Life is a Yin-Yang. Everything stands in a balance, no matter how we think that the stakes are ours. Forget heaven or hell. There is no such thing as a beautiful life in eternity. I would rather believe in a reincarnation. At least we will always have a chance to correct our big mistakes in an afterlife.

Respect one another, for it is the greatest morality lesson of all. Be open minded and reflective, the Creator never created something that wouldn't create something in return. Worship Him in private. God doesn't need a bolero. When one prays, one should never forget to give thanks. The prayer a person prays should be conversational. I still wonder why a prayer should be in a standard format and must be repeated over and over again.

Respect other religions and treat them as your own. There is only one God and all religions that encourages positivity and respect is a good one. Remember that all religions are human inventions, they are subject to corruption and even human shortcomings. Avoid dogmatism... be spiritual, for the Creator is beyond religion.

Believe in miracles, because they are true. Believe in God because everything was created not by chance but by purpose. Faith springs from the heart and not from a book or preacher. Love is what makes us a creation by God.

Always try to be humble. Faith begins when one accepts Him to have a place in one's heart.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my faith.

---

The Kingdom of God is within you and all about you, not in buildings of wood and stone. When I am gone, split a piece of wood and I am there; lift a stone and you will find me

- Jesus Christ, The Gospel Of St. Thomas, Stigmata

Faith Of A Mustard Seed

"See. Kaya ako I
practice my faith with an open mind. Respect each other's belief.
Never let them feel that your religion is superior than theirs. Kc sa mata
ng Diyos pantay pantay lang yan lahat."

- a text reply to
Bronxdude

---

It all started this morning when Pipay texted me at work. He said he was extremely sick of this guy who kept on posting on different threads about his struggle between his religion and homosexuality. Apparently, this young man claims that he is winning the fight but the cost of it proves to be very high for everyone who shares the same thread with him.

For in order to sustain his fight and reinforce his belief, he flooded multiple threads with biblical passages, his feelings and experiences when he is in his church service and even recently, he is inviting some of the guys to join his flock - which for me means conversion.

His saga goes on for the entire month of April. At first his pluggings were relatively subtle and discreet. A biblical passage here and there - until of course somebody complained about his relentless posting of biblical lines. He stopped long enough for everyone to settle down but when his detractors became quiet - he started doing it once again to the point of literally driving posters out of their respective threads because unconsciously, he filled it with his own posts about God and the bible.

---

I cannot blame the guy. After all he is ecstatic. I know that he is inspired with what he is achieving whatever achievement that is. I know that he is determined to exorcise his own "demons" in order to completely eradicate his homosexuality in exchange for the "Grace of Our Lord." He believed that in His eyes, the person who he is now becoming is an abomination and will be damned for all eternity.

That is what the writers of the bible said.

But too much plugging, the frequent mention of God, the bible and morality posted in a relatively out-of-topic thread will eventually make one sick and tired of such ramblings. Personally, I don't get anything from what he posted. Not even a little bit of enlightenment that would make my morning better.

It comes to a point that I almost confronted him with a strong reply if I wasn't considering our aquainted friendship. I have my reasons of course, and those were deep resentments I already have long before I started nurturing my own faith.

---

A long time ago, I was a devout Catholic. I prayed the rosary every evening. I was so preoccupied with my religious activities that I almost told my parents that I wanted to become a priest someday.

It was me... until I discovered how to masturbate.

Then confusion followed. I was so ashamed to pray and attend the mass knowing that I kept a bunch of adult magazines in my closet. Eventually the shame went so deep that some Born Again Christians in our secular high school noticed that I could be a candidate for conversion. Ever since, I have this open mind about a person's belief. These people took advantage of it knowing that I am at the height of my crisis of faith. They thought I could sympathize with them so they flooded my thoughts with things that would make me turn to their side.

Systematically, they told me a lot of bad things about my faith. They exposed to me the different shortcomings of my belief, its crimes against humanity (the inquisition, papal wars etc.) and the most extreme among them even made a connection between my religion and Satanism.

I would never forget that abuse I got from them - the way they cornered me along the hallway; the way they mentioned those horrendous bible verses for half an hour; the way they insensitively ignored my feelings and left me upset and depressed after they realized that I was too confused even for conversion.

That's how my aversion towards Evangelical Christians started. It is the reason why I tend to look down at people who uses the bible to defend themselves against every argument when engaging in a debate.

Eventually the bad experience I had with them taught me one single thing about religion: Become too much engrossed in it and what you will have is a dull, close-minded life.

Knowing this in mind, I kept my faith strong and unfaltering after I have rediscovered it in UST. I made sure that no bible based person could turn me around or influence me, no matter how strong their conviction is.

Ikatlo

Spending a simple yet
lovely lunch at Gary's
Restaurant;
Calling each other
early in the morning
just to say "Happy Anniversary Pangga;"
Wishing each other
success in our respective careers;
And having a nasty sore throat
thanks to...

That's how our third anniversary
went. Sometimes, I still wonder
why on earth do we not celebrate
it in a more fabulous fashion,

Like a hotel accomodation...
a trip to Boracay...
or a fabulous dinner in a very fancy
restaurant...

What the heck!

All that matters is that we remembered.
and that, we are still a couple despite the pains,
hardships, and joys of the past year.

Bunny Interludes Seven

Second Month

29th Session

For a newbie in the gym, one would see him walking around spotting advanced students doing their bench presses. On some rare moments, one would see him exchanging videos with his students using his obsolete but still useful phone. His height is in question, but his bulkiness is something to be taken seriously. He is bitchy at times butto those who he sees as devoted to their objectives, one would find his heart eager to teach more to such students.

He is our gym instructor and because of him, he made me believe that my dreams are actually possible to achieve... in a very short span of time.

To newbies, he is often serious and aloof. He even finds enjoyment seeing his new students suffer in pain, as he gives harder exercises to those whose aim is to gain weight. He is the reason why I got this unbelievable endurance in the Elliptical trainer. On my second training session he told me to do a brisk walk for 30 minutes, only to find out that I have to walk again for 30 minutes as a finale before my session ends.

Now, I can easily do a 30 minute jogging without even stopping on a relatively high resistance level.

He was the only trainer who told me that cramps are normal during initial sit-ups. You won't believe how terrible it was for me doing those abs exercises before. Now, I could even do a 50 rep sit-ups on very high inclinations.

When I did the bench presses this afternoon, I was so surprised to find out that I could already carry 20 kilos of plates without even stopping at middle of a 20 repetition exercise. Barely a month ago, it was those same kilos that injured me for two days. Before he encouraged me to carry lighter weights, despite some jeers I heard from the pros who were working out during my session.

Who would believe that soon, those weights I could never carry before will eventually become effortless for me.

Two months after, whenever I looked into the mirror and see the results of my work out, I could not help but remember him. Somehow, he motivated me to reach the things I never imagined I could achive. From my humble beginnings as a weakling, I can now feel the strength coming from my own arms and legs. The power I desired before is now, literally in my hands.

But on my next gym session, what remains are the memories I had with him.

---

When I was doing my inclined presses, he approached me to inform that today would be his last day.

It turned out that a better gym in Libis offered him a far higher compensation. Taking the opportunity with a practical mind, he grabbed it in an instant... perhaps resulting to my own gym with out an instructor for weeks to come.

He said that what he gets from my gym was way below the minimum. When he told me the exact figures, I could not believe that there are still establishments who pays their professionals with such kind of amount.

I understood his plight immediately. From his stories I overheard before while he was talking to some of the older students, I've learned that he has a family already. Besides, the travel costs alone is not enough to make him survive for two weeks.

Oh well, blame the economy for such hardships.

I have always known that he treats me with the same respect he gives to those who are more advanced than me. For even from the very start, his words became my guide in doing my program. I guess he saw my dedication and eagerness to achieve want I wanted, the mere fact that he was the first one to notice my improvements is perhaps one of the reasons why I lasted this long.

But now that he is about to leave, I am wondering whether I would survive the changes.

---

Knowing what lies ahead, I asked for his number.

In my mind, thoughts were building up whether I would follow him or not in his new gym. Obviously, the new one is fairly expensive. It costs thrice for a membership there compared to my present gym.

That means, if I act based on my subjective side, I would be a lot poorer in the months to come. Besides, looking at both directions, the only thing I could see is uncertainty - uncertainty that I would survive the culture in his new gym; uncertainty whether I would get to bond with the new intructor that would replace him.

My only hope is that the instructor who would replace him is the one who is assigned for the morning students. After all, the students during morning are boring and we already have this bond after I went to the gym during the times he was on duty.

Or if it is not possible, I hope that they would get one who is at least physically inspiring for me.

Still I have these thoughts about following my old trainer. Now that I am on the brink of burning out after several events successfully broke not only my diet but my routine as well, I believe that I needed his support and encouragement now more than before. But in doing so, my reserves would be stretched to its limits...

Looking at every angle, eventually I would burn out still like a star in its last remaining days.

All I ever have now is an immortalized entry about the brief time our lives had crossed together... to inspire me to become what I really wanted to become.

Dalawang Buhos Ng Ulan

sulit na rin
na sa loob ng dalawang
buwang tagtuyot,
hindi ako gumamit
ng cloud seeding
matugunan lang
ang aking
krisis panglaman...

...siya rin pala
ang magbibigay
sa akin ng ulan
na pagkatagal-tagal
ng hinahanap
ng aking bitak bitak
na kapatagan...

Once There Was An Expedition - Flagship

It was a pleasant afternoon, days before the onset of Holy Week. I found myself standing in front of the UP College of Arts and Letters Building wondering where I could find the department that I've been searching the whole afternoon.

In years after our publishing business closed down, my mom started encouraging me to take a masteral degree. It was something I never really planned - owing to the fact that I needed money to boost up my personal wealth. But at that moment, something inspired me to drag my ass out of the house to UP so that I could inquire about how I could apply for that graduate course my mom wanted me to take.

I still remember it in detail; one of the clerks asked me what course I would like to take. I humbly told her that I wanted to take up Creative Writing. She then asked me if I wanted to take up an undergraduate course. I said, I have already completed my undergraduate degree in college taking up Journalism. She then recommended that I should aim for graduate studies instead.

With an obvious hint of shyness in the tone of my voice, I asked her if I could be considered for the degree. Smiling back, she told me that there is nothing stopping me from applying. After all, my undergraduate studies is related very closely to my desired graduate course.

So I thought about her suggestion.

---

Looking back eons ago...

It was the last months of my sophomore year in college. Everyone was preoccupied in choosing their intended major for the next school year. During those days, I really wanted to get into the Behavioral Science program, since I always feel that I have this "thing" about people. But my mom said that I should take up Journalism. She reasoned out that I could use all the skills I've learned from it in running our publishing business in the future.

Years after, I've realized that mom was pushing me to take her bet because she saw my potentials long before I realized it myself.

However, I never trusted my writing skills. Even back in high school, one of my teachers in English was wondering how did I get such good talent when she asked me to do a speech in front of the class. The mere fact I was never been a part of a school paper was something very troubling for me. Imagining the people I would meet in that major - poets, talented writers and ever staff members of the various school papers in the university scared me.

---

As a last resort before I submitted my application for the major, I asked my bitchy english professor whether I could have a chance in Journalism or not. That semester, she was our instructor in Expository Writing. If ever she reads the tons of paper I submitted to her for our requirement, perhaps she could gauge whether I am fit for the course or not.

So that afternoon after class, I approached her in the corridor. With the same tone of voice I used for the clerk in UP, I asked her wheter it's okay for me to take Journalism as a major. She simply answered, "why not, go for it?"

My life changed positively after her blessings.

Six months after the next school year, my tropa and I were among the most formidable groups in our entire batch. Combining our thirst for adventure as well as our different talents for innovation and creativity, even the elite group of Varsitarians were having a hard time matching our project outputs.

One reason for that is we are all guys in the group. It wasn't really a problem for us whether we would write our assignment (story) on day or night. Our koboy skills, backed by the resources of our flourishing Publishing Company made us the envy of the batches that followed.

And what's good about us is that the more we are recognized for our achiements, the more we tried to excel on our next projects. We were competitive, and despite our set-up, egos never became an issue for all of us.

All that mattered was that we make the most out of what we do. And for that, added to the fact that we belonged to a very talented batch, our time was unmatched for the years that followed.

---

During those glorious years, there was this one person that motivated us to produce more in-depth write-ups we needed to submit in his class every week.

He used to be our Lifestyle and Entertainment Writing, as well as Broadcast Journalism instructor. Although some of our seniors taunted him as the guy who only reads lead paragraphs, for us, he pushed me and my group to be more dedicated and creative when it comes to our subjects.

In his class, we were able to write a personal profile about Katherine De Castro thanks to the now celebrated reporter Doland Castro - who during that time was merely taking a yosi break outside the confines of ABS-CBN when we spotted him. He introduced us to her and in less than a day, our preliminaries was already completed.

It was also in his class where I got my highest grade in a single article I wrote about ancestral houses' photo exhibit in Vito Cruz. It was a fairly good article which I still keep today. Finally, as a legacy to our overall achievements in journalism, we made an ambitious video documentary about our road trip in Laguna - which took 24 hours to finish. There, we visited some of the more rural and rustic areas of the province. Until now, I still have the copy of that documentary. It was something all of us considers the masterpiece of our group.

---

Part of the requirements I needed before UP can accept my application is to submit a recommendation letter from someone who can vouch for my integrity and achievements. James recommended that I should get my recommendation from my boss or a professor who can back my credibility.

Getting a recommendation is quite easy actually. I could just hang out in my favorite club one friday night and with luck, I could spot the celebrated poet Ralph Semino Galan drinking his glass of vodka while chatting with someone. He used to be my professor back in college and being good friends, I could ask him to vouch for me in my masterals.

However, taking this huge project is something symbolic for me. If ever they accept my application, it means that im deserving enough for those who would screen my samples of creative works. My professor in lifestyle writing, who inspired me was the main reason why I got my writing style. He influenced me to become more of an introspective writer than becoming a hard-news reporter who deals with hard-hitting events every day.

The moment I recieved the requitement about the recommedation letter, he was one of the best candidates I had in mind.

---

I went to the Manila Bulletin this afternoon to find him. At first, I was really nervous thinking he had already forgotten me. After all, it's been four years since we last saw each other. I am not sure if my group had created a deep impression that he could remember us as long as he can.

When I entered his department, he was there alone, waiting for articles to arrive from his writers. He recognized me in an instant and from the looks of his face, he was fairly happy to see me. After a small chit chat about my life after college, I told him the reason for my sudden visit.

"Sir, I'm here to ask if you could recommend me for my graduate course in UP. I will be taking up Creative Writing," I told him embarassingly.

Gladly, he accepted my request. He lifted the small red folder containing the paper he had to sign for my recommendation. He read it word for word and using the computer, he wrote the answers a referree must complete in order for the applicant to be considered for the program.

And it was a very great honor that he had spared some time from his busy schedule, in order for me to have my own possible and better future closer to reality.

---

Fifteen minutes and my visit is over. His remarks were very brief but it was something that came from his heart. Indeed, it was all worth that I set more time to learn and appreciate his subjects. Even though we never had long discussions unlike in a typical classroom setup, the mere fact he sent us out more often to gather stories was something most cherishing to me.

In part, I think my blog owes its continued existence from the things he taught us: Stories, no matter how small and boring it is, can be rewritten in a different angle so that it could become newsworthy.

And for that alone, his signature on my recommendation paper bears not only our good memories but also all those achievements I had - from the first time my article was published in Manila Times Lifestyle Section four years ago to my most recent entry Manuel Quezon III linked to his famous blog.

His signature was my flagship. If ever I tread the oceans of Creative Writing, my fleet is now in a better position knowing that I have a powerful admiral to back me.

after NG Cuartero

Proxi, Inlee and DJ

And so there we were at the last hour of being together. James' stuff has already been loaded in the truck that would bring him to his new home in Mandaluyong, while my stuffs were being loaded in our Tamaraw FX. Sealdi's transpo was still on its way to Project 6 so it was clear that she would be the last person to leave the house. I thought that it would be the end of an 8th - month bonding with people, who a year before were mere strangers to me. But in the end, it turns out that I would find my liberation under their wing.

Though the Bohemian Dream has finally been replaced by a new doctrine that says "live to survive," there comes a time when little snippets of that past reemerges from our long mundane lives we live nowadays. The last time the three of us saw each other was during my father's funeral. The last time we dined together was three years ago.

---

Amidst cluttered bits

of Ulysses and the Whores,

we crawl... creep towards

the shores, seas of stripes

of forbidden nests.

- the broken tanka of the orange couch and the itchy creatures, dj

---

Our dinner at Trellis last Friday proves that no matter where we go, there will always be an avenue that leads up in each other's company. The comfort and easyness we felt when we were still housemates remains the same, despite the passing of time. Indeed, James was right when he said that Sealdi will always be the closest woman who came into his life. Their friendship is one of the longest I've seen in this lifetime.

As for me, I would always look up to James as my mentor... while Sealdi would always remain the first straight woman to accept my homosexuality. Imagine the lives we have lived together under one roof.

No wonder, my heart always says a home can be found when the three of us are together: looking back, life has become more meaningful to me, when I found shelter under our single pod.

* photo stolen from Sealdi's blog

Rearview Mirror

I was about to go home yesterday afternoon when a colleague invited me to a drinking session organized by another colleague in his place in Marikina. This is the first time I have been invited by the group. Before, we would just nod at each other or engage in a very informal small chat whenever we see each other in the office.

To them, I am just the quiet guy seated at the back row. For me, they're just a new bunch of operators who recently found their way into the company.

My colleague's place reminded me of the homes I've been to whenever someone from college invited me for a drinking session. You see, aside from Mami Athena's home, I haven't really involved myself in a drinking session in somebody else's place.

I have been used to drinking beer in a bar that when I arrived at my colleague's place yesterday, I felt a slight tinge of unfamiliarity while trying my best to get accustomed to the scene as fast as possible.

Nine of us went there. There were three ladies and the rest of us were men. As far as I know, I am the only one who is homosexual. The rest of them sees my kind in a stereotype light. So, to the best of my judgement, I thought it would be better to act straight. There's no need to out myself or inform them of my preference since it would not matter anyway. Besides, I'm not really sure if they know me that much or if they sense my difference.

Those who were with me in the session were seasoned drinkers. Even before we began our first tagay, they were already sharing their stories about past drinking sessions in which they experimented with different kinds of chasers and mixes. They even told us what their lives were before they were hired by the company I'm working with.

From the stories they told me about their lives, I began to have this impression that they are the typical subdivision boys who hangs out in the homes of their tropa who were just blocks away from their respective homes. Together, they would drink from sundown to sunrise during their bummer days. On much plentiful periods, they would drive around town in their own lowered vehicles, playing hip-hop songs blaring on their car stereos and acting as if they are the ultimate embodiment of coolness.

I guess it used to be their lives... and it used to be the life I wanted to have. So when I joined them yesterday I know I'd be eaten alive.

And eaten alive I did.

---

It was agreed upon that we would be drinking heavy yesterday. They were even discussing whether it would be better to buy hard alcohol or just plain beer. In the end, they bought a case of Red Horse and San Mig Strong Ice.

The session began at around 4 PM since the shortage of ice in the area delayed our tagay. The pulutan consists of Tortillos, a pack of cookies and several bars of chocolate.

While the tall plastic cup was making rounds, we talked about a lot of stuffs, which unfortunately I cannot say here. Nevertheless it was about their lives, their feelings about the company, their worries about some things the management never clarified to us and of course, about our supervisors.

Later on, we have talked about our other colleagues and our crushes in the office.

When they asked me who my crush is, I could have wish I freeze at that very instant.

---

Shortly before sunset, people were already noticing that I kept on smiling for no reason at all. It only means one thing. I am already drunk.

Good thing about me being drunk is that I am always in good vibes. Never did I hurt someone or messed up a session under the influence of alcohol. In fact, I tend to act more nicely in such circumstances.

And yet, I have to accept the fact that I would always be a weak drinker. And it always shows in the way I act when I get drunk.

At around 7 pm, I was already throwing up. As a tradition, I always pick a spot where to make "uwak" and I tend to return to that same spot until I cease throwing up. While walking towards the bathroom, I can really feel that my head is swirling and my eyes kept on closing. I was on the verge of loosing my balance when a lady colleague offered her bar of chocolate. She said it would provide me with a sugar boost that my intoxicated body needed at that very moment.

Indeed it worked for after throwing up and still eating chocolates at the same time, I regained control of myself. By 8 pm, I was almost sober - except for the lingering effects of a hang-over that is starting to pound my head.

---

The drinking session was fun. It allowed we to reach out to people, which a week ago were just mere operators to me. You see, I don't really have a good interpersonal skills. Although I can relate to a person on a face to face basis, but in crowds - whether it be straight or non-straight, I tend to isolate myself.

If there is anything I have learned from this renewed experience, I guess that I would never be close to people who I can't trust with my preference. I'm pretty good in straight acting; in fact I have this suspicion that I have this tendency to be confused with my own preference when surrounded by heterosexuals but as long as my sexuality remains under cloak, as long as I can sense that the people who I am with is not comfortable with people with the same preference like me,

Then I would always keep a distance between me and them.

I'm not really sure whether I would be invited again, or whether I would join another round the next time they called for one. You see, drinking alcohol is very costly for someone who is serious about trimming down. In fact, when thinking about the volumes of beer I have consumed last night, I guess my gym efforts for the last three weeks simply tumbled into oblivion.

By now, I'm sure that my drunkeness had made headlines in the floor. I can even guess what Dexter and Jimbo's reaction would be if they found out that the guy who invited me was actually our megabet. And I wonder what those people's reaction would be if they found out that after telling them who my "girl crush" is in the office, I would turn out to be a fake.

I think I don't want to know. For sure, after passing as as a typical masculine heterosexual last night, I would act straighter from now on in the office.

On the loose, I’m a truck

All the rolling hills, I’ll flatten’ em out, yeah

It’s herd behavior, uh huh

It’s evolution, baby

- Do The Evolution, Pearl Jam

Following The Sun (Part III)

The countryside provides an opportunity for me to feel what it is like outside the metropolis. It's been a very long time since I last felt how to live where time stands still and in one fateful morning in Nasugbu, I've realized that I could at least experience for myself what the local scene has to offer for me.

Perhaps, it could make me feel that indeed, time stand still when you're not living in a busy city.

---

When I returned to the resort after my brief escape towards the shore. I found everyone huddled around the karaoke, taking turns singing their favorite songs. Some of them even invited me to join them but I politely declined their invitation. Like what I've said over and over again, the only time one could make me sing is when I'm heavily drunk and terribly depressed. Beyond that, I would rather dance on the floor.

Good thing, cousin D doesn't sing either. So the whole time my other relatives were belting out, cousin D and I were at the gazebo updating each other's lives...

Anyway, what's with kids these days?

One time, I was having a conversation with a a PLU (homos) about the differences between our generation and the generation that succeeds us. One thing we have noticed is that our successors were more sexually active at a younger age compared to us. In fact, when one would check the chatrooms lately, that person would be surprised to find out that most people who were open to sexual advances were the youngest ones (ages 19 and below).

It appears that cousin D, my straight cousin has been doing things I have only discovered or started doing when I was 21.

He is just 17.

At that age, I was just experimenting with having girl phone pals. Like some looser kids from my past, I was merely contented with having pseudo relationships on the phone.

Sex has never gotten past into my direct conciousness at that age. Having a porn video with me is all that ever mattered.

We had a good talk that night. As a big brotherto him, I told him to be extra cautious with his activities. Unlike me, when he commits a big error, a huge part of his life would be in jeopardy.

He still have four or five years to figure out what his life would be.

---

The following morning, I woke up very early.

I thought most of my folks who were singing that night were already up and was at the beach. So without even washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went out of the resort, crossed the street and into the beach only to find out that the only people who were awake are my two aunties who were in the market and a female cousin who I saw staring aimlessly beside the pool when I was on my way out.

While at the beach, I noticed this huge boat docked a couple of kilometers from where I'm standing. Based from my interviews from the folks who lives in the area, I have learned that it was a port.

Haha, Imagine having a small port just several blocks away from the public beach.

Anyway, I decided to check the place out since it appears to be interesting. Besides, it would also be an opportunity for me to sample what the local culture feels like. Finally, here's my chance to hear someone speak in Tagalog with a Batangas accent.

And I find it cool, you know.

So, despite the heat of a 9 AM sun, I started walking towards the port. At first, I was just a feet away from the water, but since my feet kept on sinking in the sand, I decided to leave the beach altogether and remain on the main road for the rest of my journey.

However, after a couple of blocks away from the resort, it appears that the main road curves toward the highway. Once I followed that track, I might get lost since my only guide going back to the resort is the beachfront itself.

I had to go back to the beach and contend myself walking in the sand.

---

At this point, the beach scene was replaced by parked fishing boats and a sprawling fishing community.

There were no more tourists in sight and the waters had become more brackish compared to the waters from where I came from.

The fishing community on my left side, despite its rustic charms appears to be mired by poverty. Never have I seen a tiny home made from cogon and nipa in my whole life. And that morning, I saw an entire community of it. But the people who lives there appear to be content with their lives, I don't even sense a corruption brought about by Capitalism when I was passing through the area. They seem to have a relatively blissful life. Besides, the community spirit appears to be more evident there, than what I have seen here in the city so far.

So despite my yuppie image while taking a stroll in their area (which was a wrong choice of get up on a very fine morning), I can still feel a sense of security despite my lingering thoughts that sometime ago, I've heard that the provinces, particularly Batangas was notorious for its Ampethamine consumption.

Finally, after 30 minutes of walking, I have finally reached the port. The massive seacraft I saw was actually a barge full of Iron Ore. Perhaps there was a small steel plant nearby. I have also discovered that there was a river that separates the plains and the hills that I saw from the resort... so it was quite impossible to go on a hiking and take pictures of the beach from the top of those hills without hiking several more kilometers.

Therefore I had to go back and take the long safer walk going back to the resort - which is the main highway.

---

When I arrived at the resort, my cousins were still sleeping.

However, breakfast was already been prepared at the table. And my aunts asked me to eat already so that they could accomodate those who were about to get up yet. After I have finished my breakfast which is sinangag (fried rice), adobo and a hotdog, I went back to our room to wake up my mom. As I waited for her to get up, I decided to explore the compound where we stayed for the night since I've been ignoring the whole place since we arrived there.

And one thing that stirred my excitement was... a Gumamela flower. Yes, it was a Gumamela that made my morning more pleasant and meaningful than the all mornings I had lately. You see, it reminded me of a time when things aren't as complicated as it is today. The Gumamela reminded me of a long lost childhood, totally different from the ones being enjoyed by children today.

You see, around 15 years ago, we lived in this community in Sta. Mesa. Our house was located in a very narrow alley surrounded by big commercial buildings at its front entrance, while the alley leads to more alleys that serves as a gateway to even larger residential communities in our immediate neighborhood.

One thing special about our old place is that it was still surrounded by plants. Opposite our home, there was this old house which had a small, jungle-like garden in front of it. I could still remember that during Decembers, the place smells so eeriely sweet no thanks to the Dama De Noches that blooms during that time of the year. There was also this Gumamela tree that was owned by another neighbor.

Everytime we would make soap bubbles, we raided that tree for our ingredient. We even used its flowers... well... to beautify ourselves.

The last time I was there, the jungle was replaced by a small sari-sari store. And the spot where the Gumamela tree used to stand was already replaced by a pavement. Finally, urbanity has taken hold of my once lovely community.

And when I saw that Gumamela flower at the resort, in my mind, I have thought whether I would still see one in the future, or whether it would be my last in this lifetime.

Just to be in the safe side, I took pictures of it.

Following The Sun (Part II)

It was already late afternoon. The sun was already about to set and most of my cousins and aunts had already returned to their respective rooms to prepare for our most immediate departure going back to Manila.

While waiting for my mom and my sister to get out of the bathroom, I took the opportunity to reflect about the family vacation that was about to end. After so much thinking, it just dawned to me that I enjoyed it, despite the hassles and the briefness of such interlude in our lives.

Somehow, the out-of-town trip brought some new and refreshing insights to me.

---

We spent the whole afternoon at the beach across the street. We rented a small cottage beside the shore since we planned to eat our lunch there. After I had my fill of grilled pork and shellfish soup, I rushed towards the sea where the waves were waiting for me. My sister got this inflatable which allowed me to lie down and bask under the intense rays of a high noon sun.

For two hours, the inflatable was tossed and turned by the ever increasing waves, while I floated and being carried by the currents. I would have basked a little longer, however I noticed that my cousins did not follow me to the beach. Something might have sparked their interests so I had to check it out.

When I got back to the cottege, my mom and my aunt were waiting for me. They said we had to leave and return to the resort since all of my cousins decided to swim in the pool instead.

---

The first time I saw the pool, I was so disgusted by how dirty it was. In fact, I thought it would be far better for us to swim in the beach instead.

During our first night however, boredom and homesickness started creeping in. My aunts and some of my cousins were busy playing board games they brought along, while I was left idle, thinking what to do while we waited for my other relatives and cousins to arrive.

Soon, the boredom I felt drove me to make a decision that was against my will. I had to take a dip or I would be forced to go alone in the beach to do a night swimming - which was way too risky for me.

So for more than three hours, I found myself swimming in the same pool which I deemed too dirty. I had a terrible cough when we arrived there, yet all that mattered to me was that I had to do something that would make my vacation worthwhile - swimming.

Soon, my other cousins joined me and we had fun until the coldness of the air forced us to get out of the water.

---

It was a long night indeed, longer than what we had during Christmas and New Year Reunions for when the second group arrived at past 10 pm, we treated ourselves a midnight snack composed of Chicken and Pork Adobo and steamed rice.

Since we had total dominion over the resort, some of my cousins decided to sing in the videoke while I sneaked out of the resort to take a stroll and feel what the place looks like after dark.

Most of the resorts that lined in the opposite side of the street were private ones. At past 10 pm, all of them had already closed their gates to outsiders. Hence, I had to walk several meters away just to reach the nearest alley that leads to the beach itself.

At nightfall, the beachfront was different from what we saw earlier that evening. Instead of seing adults and young children playing in the sand, those who were there were teenagers and couples that were younger than me. In fact, I had a strange feeling that I was one of the oldest persons withing several meters in both directions away from me.

I could have stayed longer - if it wasn't a sneak out. In fact, I could have chilled out together with the other kids in the area. The sight of the crescent moon's light reflecting on the sea was too much to miss. If sunsets at the beach brings bliss and serenity, moonsets brings tranquility to those who are fortunate enough to see one in their lifetime.

Four years after I saw a full moon set in the sea, its silver eerie light being reflected by the water, I told myself that I would see one someday in the future no matter how long it would take. But that night, I had to contend myself with just seeing a fraction of the light illuminating the sea.

Less than 5 minutes after I have arrived at the beachfront, my phone began to ring.

It was my mom and they were all looking for me at the resort.

---

-tobecontinued-

Following The Sun (Part I)

We left Manila at around 3 PM in the afternoon. It was my first overnight outing for almost three years. Since it was a family vacation - which includes aunts, uncles and cousins, we had to rent a big van that would take us to our destination somewhere in Batangas.

The trip itself was a long boring one. Good thing, I brought along my MP3 player loaded with my favorite light and rock alternative, as well as chill out music. Although, I have always been a sucker for trips more than the destination, I found myself a little restless while our van inches away from South Expressway all the way to Santa Rosa exit due to traffic. It was decided that we would take the scenic trip passing through Tagaytay going to Batangas.

An hour after we have left Manila, we had to make stop over in Tagaytay to buy our dinner. Since nobody among us have seen what the place looks like. So as precaution for the things that we might encounter in the resort, we had to buy something edible from Max's. It was also confirmed at this point that another batch of our family would join us later in the evening.

While we waited for the orders to arrive, I sneaked out of the van to take some pictures of the majestic Taal Volcano and it's surrounding sceneries.

Too bad, the sun was still up so the shots were not as dramatic as I have wanted them to be. It's been years since I have been to Tagaytay and the fresh cool air was something new to me.

---

After thirty minutes, our orders had finally arrived. Soon, we were again on the road, driving beyond what I have ever seen during my past visits to Tagaytay.

Eventually, the semi-urban landscape the city has to offer has been replaced by smaller houses and rolling hills. Soon, all I could ever see on my left side was a breathtaking valley - perhaps the entire province of Cavite becons in front of me.

On my right side was the famed Splendida resort owned by none other but Enrile. If the valley on my right was a sight to behold, the Splendida was something beyond words: It was basically located at the edge of a ridge. Plunging hundreds of feet below is the Taal Lake. By then, our driver told us that we weren't in Tagaytay anymore. We were already passing in the rural town by the name of Alfonso.

Imagine Tagaytay without the restaurants, hotels, expensive vacation houses and other commercial establishments. Take away the market stalls, the flowers and the fruit stands and in their places are deep ravines and middle-class houses that dotted the highway. We were basically driving on a cliff. That's what the place looks like. Someday, somehow, I would return to that town and explore it in my own pace.

For I fell in love with the place in an instant.

What makes the town (and the trip) most memorable to me was a sight in front of us. A lone massive mountain in all it's glory rising against the setting sun. Beyond the mountain was the sea, shimmering because of the sunset. In my awe, I simply uttered the word "shit" which fortunately wasn't heard by my mom and my aunt who was seated beside me.

At that very moment, I wished I had asked the driver to park the van while I take photos of the view. Too bad, we were speeding at 140 an hour. It was nearly impossible to stop at that exact spot, especially since we were rushing to arrive at our destination.

---

The rest of the trip was relatively uneventful. I even felt uncomfortable because the descent from the top of the cliff made my ears pop.

Finally at around 5:30 PM, we have finally arrived at the resort. To be honest, it wasn't what I had expected knowing that whenever my aunt organizes some family outings like these, she ensures that we have the best places to stay in.

After we have settled down, my cousins and I went to the beach which was just across the street. Those of us who were there at shore were fortunate enough to witness the sunset before it was finally consumed by the darkness.

-tobecontinued-

Countdown To Batangas

6:30 AM

My alarm clock didn't wake me up. I guess, my morning schedule has finally managed to get into my routine. I had to get up immediately since I promised my sister that I would personally wake her up for her practicum. Since, it woke her too early, it took her another 30 minutes just to get up. I made sure that I won't fall asleep as I watched her prepare to leave the house.

8:00 AM

I was online since I got up. Been browsing the blogs of my classmates in college. I've been checking the recent updates on PEx again. I also opened a link at G4M and IRC. Surprisingly, I wasn't as enthusiastic as I was after I declared a state of lull (peace) between me and him.

For the longest time I was active in G4M, I am proud to say that I never took hook ups invitations seriously even at the height of my own frustration.

9:00 AM

So far, I have only slept for 5 hours. I needed to take a nap for the long day (and night) ahead.

11:00 AM

Despite my cough and colds, I still went to the gym to pay for my dues. Since I was relatively weak and in a rush today, I cut my work out time from 3 hours to merely 1.5 hours.

Why do I get sick everytime my gym session for the month ends?

2:00 PM

Meeting at the office.

Our client from Seattle flew to Manila to give us a reintroduction about our job. I have learned a great deal about American Culture - which I believe they don't teach in call centers. I hope someone from our Australian account flies here as well so that they could give us an idea about the Australian culture, in which account I belong to.

3:15 PM

I was having a short chat with Dexter, my effeminate colleague.

He said, he met this cute guy at a cinema in Baclaran yesterday. Of course, something happened between them. What Dexter cannot accept is that the guy claimed that he was straight - Dex said that the guy was masculine. But to his astonishment, the apparent straight guy also gave him a job.

I told him that his generation is different from mine. In this age, masculine homosexual guys also knows how to give job.

I'm just wondering though, I never heard of a masculine giving an oral to an effeminate. That's something interesting.

4:15 PM

Just got out of Cherry's Shaw Boulevard. Since we are assigned to provide junk foods for tomorrow's excursion, mom asked me to do the grocery for her. It was fun - despite the fact that I'm already spending beyond my means.

Badtrip, I overspend in my shopping, again I was forced to use my credit card to pay for my items.

5:30 PM

Roy texted me 30 minutes ago. He told me if he could crash in my place since he had nothing to do this afternoon. I told him that I'm cool with it. I could burn him some audio music if he wants to.

Anytime, he would already arrive.

7:30 PM

Planned reunion dinner with ex housemates. We have never seen each other for more than a year. I wonder if I could bring along Roy.

12:00 AM

Planned night-out, If my energy reserves could still allow me. It's probably BED tonight. But, for some reasons why does a part of me wants to see F for the first time?

4:00 AM

Estimated time I would arrive home.

At Dahil Ang Bangka Ay Sa Ating Dalawa

Habang tayo ay nasa gitna ng isang malawak na ilog
at nakaupo sa iisang bangka,
narealize kong hindi ito gagalaw sapagkat
hawak mo ang isang sagwan,
mag-isa man ako rito sa bangka, hindi ko rin
alam kung saan ang aking direksyon
dahil ikaw ang may hawak ng kalahati
ng mapa.

Sadya atang ang iisang bangka
ay para sa ating dalawa
sapagkat nang mawala ka,
nawalan ako ng bestfriend...
anlaki laki ng nawala sa akin.

Lubos kong ikinagagalak ang ating muling
pagkikita ng landas.

Na miss kita bud... sobra.

Eksenadora

Nitong Martes, nag-IM sa akin ang isa sa mga amiga ko sa opisina. Sabi niya, todo friendship daw sa kanya yung kasamahan naming gym-buff na noong nakaraang linggo lang eh ang pinopormahan ay yung isa pa naming amiga na dating mahilig bumooking sa mga construction site.

Sabi nitong amiga kong may experience sa construction boys na papangalanan na lang nating Jimbo, inaaya daw siya ng inuman ni lalaki. Siya lang itong umayaw dahil hindi raw niya ma-read ang signs na pinapahiwatig ni muscle boy.

Kaya nang magpasiya si Jimbo na i-dump si lalaki para bumalik sa pangangarir sa G4M, heto namang kaibigan naming si Dex ang siyang naging object of friendship nitong aking unang bida.

All the time, pinilit kong maging close kay lalaki para maamoy ko naman kung siya ba ay kapatid o sadyang friendly lang. Pero nang magsimulang maging textmate si Dex at ang gym-buff, biglang naging iba ang ihip ng hangin sa pagitan naming tatlo. Di malayong maging apat kami kung mapapatunayan ng isa sa kanila na pumapatol tong ating bida sa kapwa niya.

Enjoy sana kung sa enjoy, yun nga lang, ang gym buff ay mukhang sa effem lang pumoporma.

---

Nitong linggo ring ito, may bagong pasok na cutie sa opisina. Boy next door type ang get-up niya, mestiso, lean, matangkad at may kotse. Absolutely, siya ang bagong pantasya naming tatlo. Putsa kahit ako nga eh, kung makatitig ako eh parang tutunawin ko siya.

Noong isang araw, nakasabay ko siyang mag-yosi sa rooftop ng aming building. Hayun, konting kwentuhan, usapan tungkol sa office ganun lang - matapos ang kwentuhan, saka ko napatunayang straight nga ang binata. Gaano man siya ka-gwaping para sa aming tatlo, hanggang doon na lang ang aming admiration.

Siya'y nakatadhanang magpaligaya ng gerla.

--

Kahapon may sinabihan akong PeXer ng goodlooking.

Totoo naman kasi eh. Nakita ko yung profile niya sa picturetrail. Siya yung tipo na astigin, moreno, mukhang nanapak at higit sa lahat Top na PLU. Sabi ko nga, yun ang tipong hindi ko aatrasan, sakali mang single ako at hook-ups ang major agenda ko. Ngunit hindi eh, kaya hayun, hanggang sa pagbibigay appreciation lang ang pwede ko gawin.

Wala pang tatlong oras matapos kong ideklara sa buong Pex na siya ay goodlooking, heto't nagtetext na sa akin ang kaibigan kong si Pipay. Curious daw siyang makita ang profile nitong PeXer na sinabihan ko ng gwaping. Ako naman, sinabi ko kung paano niya mahahanap ang link. Dumating ang gabi, magka-PM na pala ang dalawa.

Kinaumagahan, unang text sakin ni Pipay eh ang pagtatanong sa link para sa profile ni PeXer. Hindi daw niya makita kung saan hahanapin ang link sa Pex. Shempre bilang totoo at mapagbigay na kaibigan, sinend ko kaagad sa kanyang hinahanap - via SMS. Five minutes after, text back ang ating bida. Totoo nga, gwaping daw itong si PeXer.

Dumating ang tanghali at ang bungad na sakin ni Pipay ay usapang inuman. Nagkasundo na daw silang magkita para sa isang drinking session kung saan. Ako naman, todo ngisi lang habang binabasa ang SMS ni Pips. "If I know..." sabi ko sa aking sarili. "Sa ano rin naman mauuwi yan eh." Sabay tawa mag-isa.

Sa akin naman kasi, full support ako para sa aking kaibigan. Palibhasa'y isa siya sa mga bataan ko kaya naman masaya akong nagkakaroon ng diversion ang binata. "Tandaan, ang inuman ay nauuwi kung saan. Maghanda sa anumang maaring digmaan," text back ko sa kanya. Tawa naman ang isinukli sa akin ni Pipay.

Dumating ang gabi, mukhang hindi makapagpigil itong ating bida. Text niya sa akin, dapat daw magmemeet sila ni PeXer. Ang problema nga lang, night shift etong si Pipay. Masyadong gabi na para sa inuman kung itutuloy nila. Isa pa, may pasok kinaumagahan si PeXer. Kaya hayun, mukhang aabutin pa hanggang next week pa bago makapag-inuman ang dalawa.

---

Kwentong Pipay pa rin.

Kaninang hapon kinuwento ko sa kanya ang aking mga eksena sa BED noong nakaraang dalawang linggo.

Hindi makapaniwala ang loko.

Sabi ko sa kanya, yung megabet ko eh yung tipong mga lalaking magpapakumbinsi sa kanya magpabottom . Ayaw pa rin maniwala...

Nang dinescribe ko in detail ang hitsura ni megabet.

Three words lang ang reply ni Pipay sa SMS.

"Masarap siya pare."

Tuloy, naisip ko sana pala kinuha ko ang number ni megabet para naman kahit hindi na ako kumanta ng "Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang" ng Freestyle, at least maipasa ko man lang sa kanya ang biyaya. Who knows mag-click ang dalawa, edi happiness pa rin ako dahil makikita ko ang pagmumukha ni megabet everytime.

Naikwento ko rin sa kanya yung isang cutie na naging friend ko lately. Sabi ko sa kanya, wrong impression kami noong una sa kanya. Ngayong gabi, malaman laman ko lang, mukhang interesado na itong si Pipay makilala ang aking friend.

Buti na lang Pips, hindi ka nagbabasa ng aking blog. Sensha na't ikaw ang isa sa mga bida sa entry kong ito.

---

Lastly, nagtext sa akin ang isa ko pang kaibigan na tawagin na lang natin sa kanyang codename na Mutmut.

Medyo ilang linggo na ring kaming close ni Mutmut dahil nga kagagaling lang niya sa break-up at feel ko rin namang maging kanyang comforter friend.

Ilang linggo ring devastated itong si Mutmut matapos ang lahat nang nagyari. Kaya ako naman eh todo salo sa kanya everytime na maaalala niya si ex-fling.

Lumipas rin ang ilang araw at unti-unti napansin kong nakakapag-move on na si Mutmut. Kaya ako naman eh unti unti na ring dumidistansya kahit paano. Feeling ko ba eh para akong tugboat na unti unting lumalayo kapag nakakabwelo na mag-isa ang malaking barko.

Ang saya diba, mukhang ganun talaga ang role ng isang kaibigan.

Ngayong gabi nagkwento sa akin si Mutmut na sinama daw siya ng kanyang kaibigan para manood ng sine kasama ang kanilang "dates." Sinet-up, daw siya para sa isang double date Ako naman nakangiti lang habang binabasa ang kanyang text message. Sa loob loob ko, ramdam kong alignment na naman ang mga buhay buhay ng mga bading sa paligid ko.

Hirit pa sakin ni Mut na under repair daw ang kanyang puso. Sabi ko naman, ang pag-ibig ay dumarating sa oras na hindi natin inaasahan.

Inaantay ko pa kung ano ang magiging epilogue nitong huli nating bida. Sana naman, ang kanyang date ngayong gabi ay magsilbing sign na para sa kanyang eventual move on.

---

Kung titingnan, sa lalaki umikot ang eksena ng bawat isa.

Nandoong may nangangarir, kinakarir, nagbobooking... wala lang siguro eh binobooking. Pero same story - story ng bawat isa sa aming lahat. Sa hetero-sexual, pustahan ganito rin ang mga eksena. Nagkaiba lamang sa preference na pinipili ng bawat isa.

Pero lingid sa kaalaman ng marami, ang mga eksenang nagaganap ay nagkaroon lamang ng sense mula ng ito ay pinag-dugtong dugtong ng isang taong nakasaksi sa lahat. Sa case ko, dahil kaibigan ko silang lahat, ang kwento ng isa ay naging related sa kwento naman ng isa.

Makulay nga ang buhay ng bading, kahit ito man ay malungkot madalas... It's a small world after all sabi nila. Pero kung titingnan mong mabuti, sa pinakamalalim na level - ang dugtong dugtong na eksena ng bawat isa ang siyang nagpapatunay kung gaano kaliit ang mundo ng PLU.

Ang isa, ay related sa isa, at ang related sa isa ay related kung kanino pa.

At syempre, ang eksenadora ang laging nasa gitna.

In The Lull Of Hyperspace

It’s no secret that lately, I’ve been actively engaging myself in G4M and IRC. At times, it often comes to a point where I openly flirts with the guy I’ve been exchanging messages to. In most extreme cases, I even give hints that I’m interested in hooking up with them – just to run away from the loneliness and frustration I often feel lately.

The rift between me and him grows steady by the week – but I’m not really sure if he knows or he even feels it already. Perhaps I might be so good at hiding it, or he is just too insensitive to notice my grievances in us. It has relatively been a one way street most of the time – if I get any consolation, he knows how to reciprocate intimacy given to him – as long as he is not preoccupied with something else.

Ours is a deep one – he is a regular guest at home which, apparently exposes my preference to my family; I enjoy boundless independence under him – which I try to regulate by extreme means whenever I am alone; And he treats me like his best friend. He claims that I am the closest person to him more than his family.

We have been compatible in a different kind of level, that’s why we have been surviving until now. But lately, I am beginning to see the difference between the two of us. Sometimes, the imperfections I see in him, far outweighs the reasons why I should still stay.

Sometimes, it makes me contemplate whether there’s a sense of holding on to him, now that I am feeling more and more independent alone.

---

But you know what,

As I move my forces toward liberation, the more I hold on to the fact that we have been so deeply connected to one another, that such freedoms, whether it maybe achieved at all may fail sooner than I think.

The thought of him, living alone and facing the world all by himself with all his vulnerabilities still remain in my psyche. Whenever such thoughts stumble in my consciousness, a surge of old emotions begin to fill me. It reminds me of all the times I’ve been there for him when he needed me most.

And when he talks to me, and tells me all his grievances at the end of the day, the bitterness and hatred I feel towards him is suddenly being replaced by a need to protect him – to make him feel secure and better even at the cost of my own vulnerabilities.

I just don’t know… perhaps I am meant to love this way. Despite my strong views and advises I give to everyone, in my own playing field – where my vulnerable emotions is at stake, I tend to be less harsh and more patient. I tend to appear weak and compromising, for a person who has played a very important part of my PLU life.

I guess this is how you separate love from mere infatuation. Love tends to be more patient and more permanent, while infatuation tends to come and go – no matter how strong and deep those feelings u felt were while under its spell.

Love is like an old mango tree that has been bounded to the land for a very long time. It doesn’t get uprooted easily, no matter how many flood currents and mudslides strips away the things that hold the tree and the land together.

Infatuation may never have such kind of binding.

As for me and him, the threat of unbinding still remains. It may grow worse in time... it may also lead to harmony we have never felt before. But no matter what happens, and no matter where we would lead eventually.

One thing remains.

I know in my heart that I love him more than I have ever loved myself.

And if such time of partings would happen,

I am pretty sure that this would be the first time I would really feel hurt. I may never rise again from such kind pain.

Bunny Interludes Six

First Month

24th Session


Twenty Four Things I have learned so far while going to the gym:


1. Carbonated Drinks - Particularly Softdrinks are very bad for the health.

2. One cannot smoke an hour before working out, and four hours after. I heard someone says that your lungs are very much vulnerable after doing heavy cardio.

3. For those whose aim is to reduce weight, one must at least do an hour's cardio during the entire session.

4. Gatorade is good, but when your on a tight budget, a bottle of mineral water and a sachet of extra joss would do.

5. Cramps are normal - especially during the early sessions of the training.

6. Abs are prepared in the kitchen, XP says. He is true. That's why I'm planning to wage a direct war against my tummy because no matter what I do, it doesn't develop at all.

7. It takes around 2 weeks before improvements begin to appear. Give it another 2 weeks and with extreme discipline, significant changes are already visible.

8. Looking at fit and gym-toned men would inspire you to work out more.

9. One would never survive an hour's cardio without club music playing on his player.

10. Never create your own work-out program. It's the trainor's job to make one for you.

11. It is best to start lifting light weights. Soon, you would realize that you are already eating bars and plates of steel as your muscles grow stronger.

12. Gym, is always a great opening topic when conversing with buff and hot guys.

13. Working out must always be reinforced by diet.

14. Eating at fastfoods is bad for diet.

15. Working out releases some weird bodily chemicals that makes one feeling blissfully happy afterwards.

16. One tends to be hornier after working out.

17. For a typical homosexual, looks and body is everything.

18. When one starts to improve his body, expect that he would go all the way doing a complete body reconstruction just to please his vanity.

19. One tends to be more flexible, no matter how stocky or semi chubby he is when he works out.

20. Always find a reason why continue working out.

21. When one begins to burn out, a good way to be motivated again is to remember all the rejections he have recieved previously.

22. Girls are sucker for cardio machines.

23. Straight guys tends to use the stationary bike rather than the elliptical machine.

24. The key to success in working out is discipline and routine. Everything depends on it.

And I Remembered The Rain

"For whatever that triggers it, I suddenly missed your deepness, tranquility and breathtaking insights. I miss our college days."

---

A classmate once called me romantic, not because of the way I treated my dates but because of how I percieved the world with my own eyes. I am melancholic, I would rather engage in a somber and insightful conversation with someone rather than talk non-sense until kingdom come. Until recently, I was a sucker for poetry. Words have always moved me. And in my searching and confusion before, it was those poems that made me sane. For the longest time I was looking for a poet who's artistic side never crossed the borders of temperament, I never found one. For the longest time looking, I resolved myself to settle in my own world, engaging in my own discourse for I believed, nobody would ever find me.

During my photography class back in college, my classmates would always wonder why I would wait for sunset to appear before taking photos. I always claimed that I'm waiting for the shadows to play - because shadows always had a dramatic effect on photos. But never did I told them that I took photos on sunsets because it was merely poetic.

Hearing the rain fall on the roof while hugging someone beloved, or a pillow if no beloved is around; lying on a grass or pavement while looking at the sky exploding with stars. Feeling the cold sweet wind coming from the east on a moonless night; smelling the scent of the seawater coming from Manila Bay on a balmy afternoon day; watching a full moon set in the sea; Walking under the rain, pretending it was nothing; Watching sunrise on top of a bridge, since those times, I was an insomniac. Reading someone's poem loudly alone in my room. Listening to light alternative music with piano accompanyment, or in some moody nights, just playing chill-out until it lulls me to some transcendic state where all I can think of is perfection in silence.

All these trippings point to a personality, one can never find in a lot of people. Indeed, there will always be a side of me that would carry this trait, no matter how successful I have blended with others. They may say it is my eccentricity, for me it is my bliss... something that would forever makes me unique.

And remembering all these thoughts summed up after a long and wonderful conversation I had with an acquaintance over a can of diet coke last night... before going to BED,

I've realized that I could exchange a night of sex or clubbing over a night of insightful conversation. I could spend a night sentying with someone one on one over a beer, over a group gathering where I usually end up in one corner - feeling alienated.

---

Moved and dazed at how he read my thoughts exactly the way I wanted it to be, it suddenly dawned to me that I missed talking to someone who had made me believe that in this lifetime, it is perfectly possible to be in harmony with someone without even talking.

This evening, I discovered her blog.

Dear Badinggerzie (End Of Daydream Fantasy Redub)

Nagbalik ako ng BED ngayong gabi.

Nais ko sanang balikan ang lugar kung saan naganap ang aming matamis na sayawan at moment na naganap noong isang linggo upang sana ay matandaan at huwag makalimutan ang gabing nakilala ko siya.

Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, nagsimula na akong lumibot, umaasang naroon lang siya't lasing muli at nagsasayaw mag-isa. Alam mo ate, lahat na ata ng chinitong makita ko ay pilit kong hinahawig sa mukha niya. Kung tutuusin, marami-rami rin ang cute kanina, ngunit ang kanyang alaala ang siyang nagpipigil sa akin upang tumingin sa iba.

Ilang ikot rin ang ginawa ko, masigurado lamang na wala siya sa lugar na yun. Marahil ay nasa Hed Kandi siya, o kaya nama'y nasa Government. Maari rin namang natulog lang siya buong magdamag o kaya nama'y nasa piling ng iba.

Sa dinami-dami ng naiisip kong dahilan kanina, ang tumatak lang sa akin ay ang aming sayawan. Akala ko ay lubusan ko na itong nalimot sa loob ng isang linggong puro gym at trabaho ang inatupag ko.

Ngunit sa ikatlong ikot ko, mukha atang nagbibiro ang tadhana. Isang makisig at chinitong lalaki ang umiinom ng beer ang nakasandal sa bar ang namataan ko. Noong una'y nilapitan ko pa siya para lang masiguradong tama ang sinasabi ng mga mata ko.

Taena this is it! Talagang tinakdang magkita kaming muli!

Nandun siya ate, at gaya ng dati, cute pa rin siya gaya noong una ko siyang nasilayan.

---

Kamustahan, ngitian at konting kwentuhan. Yun ang ginawa namin. Pinakilala niya ako sa kasama niya na siyang nang-iwan sa kanya noong isang linggo kaya naman effortless ang aking pag-entrada sa kanyang mundo.

Sabi niya sa akin noon ay kaibigan niya ito - Chinese rin at mukhang effem. Okay lang kung friendship sila, tutal di ko naman bet ang kasama niya. Pero kanina, parang may isang kirot sa puso ko ang siyang nagpamulat sa akin ng katotohanang...

Mukhang ang pagkakaibigan nila ay higit pa sa sinasabi niya.

---

Noong isang linggo, panay ang lingon niya kung saan saan habang kami'y nagsasayawan. Panay rin ang text at tawag niya sa taong kasabay daw niya... ang taong nag-aya sa kanyang pumunta sa bar na yun.

Sa akin balewala yun, ganun naman diba, kapag ang friendship ay nakahanap ng partner, pasimple tayong eexit para hayaang makaporma siya sa taong kapartner niya. Pero alam mo kanina ate, habang pinagmamasdan ko sila sa malayo. Habang ngumingiti akong mag-isa at nagpapasalamat dahil nakita kong muli siya.

Naramdaman ko na may namamagitan sa kanila.

Na mukhang ako'y naging panakip butas lang noong gabing iyon - na siya rin ng ginawa ko sa kanya.

Sa totoo, sobrang lungkot ko ng gabing iyon. Magulo ang aking relasyon, at may napapag-interesan akong bagong tao na noong dumating ako sa BED ay nasa isipan ko pa. Kung may plano man ang Diyos noong mga gabing yun, baka marahil ginawa niya akong kaakit-akit sa kanyang mga mata nung kasagsagan ng kanyang kalasingan para ako ang kanyang piliin;

Na sadyang nagtama ang landas naming dalawa upang makalimot sa kanya kanya naming buhay na nasa sentro ng kalungkutan.

---

Ilang beses kong sinubukang lumapit sa kanya habang wala ang kanyang kasama. Nais ko sanang makipag-usap at makibalita gaya noong una kaming nagkita. Pero tama ang hula ko sa mga mangyayari sa aming muling pagkru-krus ng landas.

Higit na mas malamig na siya sa akin ngayon at walang pakielam.

Nakakatawa kasi para akong tangang naghahabol sa kanya. Pati nga yung kasama niya parang pinagtatawanan rin ako kasi hindi ko talaga maalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. Sa aking pagsayaw - na sa di malamang kadahilanan ay nakopya ko sa sayaw niya, iniisip ko pa rin siya.

Sa bawat pikit ng aking mga mata, dinadalangin kong pagmulat nito'y nasa harap ko na siya't sumasayaw sa aking gaya noon.

Ngunit... sa kasamaang palad, ito'y isang pantasya lamang.

---

Lumipas ang dalawang oras, nakita ko rin siyang napag-isa. Ngunit hindi gaya last time, hindi na siya masigla sumayaw ngayon. Sa halip, nandoon siya sa gilid, nagmamasid sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa gitna ng dance floor.

Bandang huli, narealize kong ang sayaw ko ngayong gabi ay para sa kanya - ang malungkot na sayaw ng aking pagpapaalam.

Alam mo ate, kung kailan pa umatras ang nirereklamo kong bilbil last week. Kung kailan mas handa na akong makipagsabayan sa kanya sakaling ayain niya akong muli sumayaw. Kung kailan mas malakas na ang loob kong higit na mas mataas ang market value ko ngayong gabi.

Siya naman ang nawala - at tuluyang umexit sa aking buhay.

Mukhang wala nga akong kakantahing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang...

Putsa, sa ginaling galing kong gumiling at magsayaw ngayong gabi, kung kailan naabot ko na ang pinakapinapangarap kong flexibility na unang objective ko noong ako'y nagsimulang mag-gym.

Saka ako namulat sa katotohanang.

Ang hirap palang sumayaw mag-isa.