An Invitation

After the classes in my Creative Non-Fiction was concluded last night, Neil, my mentor approached me with an interesting invitation.

Prior to this, a classmate sought him to sign a copy of LadLad 2 of a friend, which apparently he co-authored. As he signed the book, I mentioned that I have been a non-straight for five years already, yet I don't have a copy of that book. He turned to me with a puzzled look and then returned to signing the book. As he was finishing his dedication, Neil remarked, "magkakaroon na kaya ng Ladlad 3?"

As we walked towards the door, he mentioned that he is planning to gather some budding gay writers and encourage them to contribute an essay about their hidden passions that they religiously keep. He said that the book aims to out these people in a manner, which does not really talk about their gay outing. Instead they will out their interests that define them beyond the stereotype.

Last night, amidst the criticism I receive every time we have a workshop in class, he invited me to become one of his book's contributors.

The invitation itself, knowing that it came from the great J Neil Garcia is enough to make any budding gay writer giggle with excitement. The invitation is a great honor considering that I never see myself worthy of publishing my own book, nor merely being included in any in the first place.

I should have felt what a typical writer would react when the invitation was handed down to him, but because of the fear that immediately overruled my thoughts, my initial reaction was.

"But sir, I don't know any hidden passion or interests I could think of."

My response was so anti-climactic diba?

The truth is, I really cannot think of anything as a passion. Unlike my other classmate who is gay (and a very prolific writer who submitted an essay about his fascination with old churches in the country as an informative essay), his interests in architecture and history are well defined. In fact, the essay that he submitted will be included in the book which Neil will publish.

I kept this classmate's essay in hopes that I could emulate his style and words one day. But as I reread it over last night, I realized that I do not have anything that could match his passion for churches.

I could talk about herbal gardening for all I want. I think that I am knowledgeable enough about plants that it could already be considered a passion. However, until I have successfully raised a plant on my own with the dedication and fervor that I used to have before, I guess that I have no right to share the inner Farmer Joms in me.

My familiarity with old-school alternative music can bring me closer to any straight or masculine guy that I can come across. I do know that only a few PLU can sing a Dishwalla or Smashing Pumpkin song by heart. This passion could be translated into a good story, but so long as I have not joined any groupie, I think that I am still lacking in spunk and character that drives home my passion in music.

I could write several anecdotes about my interests in expensive cars like Volvo or Jaguar, walking around the city and discovering a secret restaurant or shop that I can share to others, playing PC games like Civilization 4 or Sims 2 all day long and so on. When I think about these passions I intimately keep to myself, the problem of contributing an essay to the book is not an issue anymore.

I do not even see the repercussions of being outed because of the book an issue as well.

I think my fear all boils down to the fact that I might fall short of expectations when I start writing for my contribution piece. I am afraid that my passion will not be enough to convince me or whoever reader that would stumble upon my work that mine is genuine and my knowledge about my passion is wide and far-reaching.

So until my muses lend me the right words and thoughts to express, or my inner, higher writer emerges from its cocoon again, I will have to look for other passions, which I might be keeping in me. I have another month to convince myself and prove to the gods of my department that I am ready to join the ranks of being a writer.

The wish for my name to appear in a book can still remain a dream for now.