Stellar Attraction

This song is dedicated to those who love secretly, love someone who is currently attached and those who love but may never be loved in return...

What It Is To Burn

Finch

(S)he burns

Today's on fire

The sky is bleeding above me, and I am blistered

I walk these lines of blasphemy, every day

And still

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him (her)

(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

I feel diseased

Is there no sympathy from the sun?

The sky's still fire

But I am safe in here, from the world outside

So tell me

What's the price to pay for glory?

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him (her)

(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

Today is fire, and (s)he burns

Today is fire, and (s)he burns

(S)he burns

(S)he burns

(S)he burns

(S)he burns

(S)he burns

(S)he burns

Like a bad star, I'm falling faster down to him(her)

(S)he's the only one who knows, what it is to burn.

-0-

No... I am stronger than my mind thinks. I will never falter. I will not allow myself to do so...

Toxic

Our 11th monthsary came just when we were about to leave the motmot after a much-anticipated popoy last night. This popoy is one of a kind because we spent more time doing foreplay than the fucking itself. We found each other kissing passionately while hugging one another tightly for more than an hour.

Such an ideal night for a couple who had survived every challenge of building and maintaining a man-to-man relationship.

However, after 11 months, we remain strangers to one another. There are things I have to learn and understand about him and there are things that he should learn about me. We joined Francis, Zeki, Roy, and Meng-meng in Malate. Phanks got the chance to talk and meet the regal couples of ODDERs and I think from his conversation with Zeki, Phanks got to know me better and understood my attitude towards him.

-0-

We went to Bath after since my buddy wanted to dance the night away. Inside the club, he was dancing as if he were in a dance competition (think of how people do interpretative dancing). Daming times ko pinigil lumipad yung kamay niya dahil baka makatama ng iba. Anyway, I was taken in a deep shock seeing him dance with wild abandon. Diyos ko po, hindi ko talaga siya keri masabayan. By 3:30 in the morning, I asked him if we could go home. Ihahatid ko pa kasi siya sa bahay nila sa Valenzuela. I know, he wanted to stay till morning, but our time is up. We needed to get some rest.

Inside the taxi, he was conversing in Bisaya with the driver. Although I was a little bit out of place, but seeing him in that relaxed state made me realize how different we are from one another. That evening, he was complaining that we were very opposite; that he couldn't even tug me along to join his activities. I told him that opposites attract - citing the example of Zeki and Francis (which Francis confirmed later during our meeting.)

What matters is that despite the differences, we can still find a common ground to make the relationship work. I fully understand that he doesn't want to show displays of affection even inside PLU bars like bath. I may be quite disappointed with his reaction, but that's him and I can't force him to change. Papu is right, the strength of our relationship lies in how we respect one another's personality. We have to compromise (despite him avoiding public displays of affection, we're actually making out the whole time inside the dance club. I don't know if he's aware that he is contradicting his earlier statement or he was on the verge of opening up even more to accommodate me.) and accept how the other thinks about the relationship.

He just texted me earlier telling me how he missed and enjoyed our sex, and the night out experience we had last night... Looking at how I made him feel, I think that's how lovers are supposed to make love to their partners - bring them to heaven and back to earth... Remembering the events at the motel... I believe our sexy time was a success. There should be a repeat performance.

-0-

Francis, thanks for the advice and the conversation. Hehehe, first time ata kita nakausap ng ganun. Galing talaga ng lola ni Zeki. Hihi.

-0-

Officially, I'm hooked up with Britney Spear's Toxic

-0-

Yes Vermont, I can be your Kuya. :)

With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride

You're toxic, I'm slippin' under

With a taste of a poison paradise

I'm addicted to you

Don't ya know that you're toxic?

Postscript from Tonight's Contingent

It's all about human emotions.

A guy renews his bond with another guy, while some other guy closes one of their intimate chapters with another guy. A guy is obsessed with another guy, while a guy receives an affectionate response from the guy he's madly in love with.

Everything revolves around a cycle where everyone had experienced being in the shoes of someone. An observer may see the different facets of homosexual situations while looking at us as one.

That's how we as ODDERs have evolved nowadays. Despite the confusion, tension, cold shudders, and misunderstandings. We still end up closer together. People who avoid talking with each other some weeks ago may find themselves conversing on the topics which separated them apart. It's like the whole recreation process ignites in a single gathering - doors are closed while new doors are being opened. In fact, this whole universe we lived in revolves around itself. Everyone touches each other's lives.

---

It's been several weeks ago when I openly protested about the flood of newbies seen in the contingent. I was crying foul against issues where one is being fished by the other, only to be fished by someone else or one is being harassed after an SDN. Lately, I've been seeing a different picture - the group has come to its senses once again - or I was becoming more open-minded about their display of "intimate friendships". It's like the whole group I've cherished before suddenly comes right in front of me and I missed that group so much.

Paul's birthday celebration was a blast. We have been drunk yet no one self-destructed this morning. The bonding process, where old wounds are being healed, is to be healed and must be healed was discussed tonight. People who have been strangers to me for quite some time suddenly became blood brothers overnight.

Jonas Bagas, a well-known PLU activist graced our contingent. I was in fact joking that one day, The Outsiders may become an arm of his group, Lagablab. We might become a part of a larger PLU community soon - if and ever, our lives would remain as dynamic as it has been today.

Most of us are getting old. I guess it's really time for us to draw whatever common future we will have for the entire Outsiders. The fear of growing alone, abandoned, and hopeless is slowly showing in our consciousness. There's so much to do. Whatever happens, the integrity and morality of the group we have loved and supported and become our sanctuary for many of us must be upheld.

To a brother who fears that I may condemn him if ever he fucks around this time... Don't worry, as long as you'll be man enough to be responsible for the mess you'll create, then I'll support you along the way, if not... well, listen very well to James' advice. I guess his sentiments much reflected my own.

Remember, we're all interconnected here, whatever failures that a brother will have will also directly hit us. We're old enough to choose whatever decision we will make but please... decide with your mind, it may be hard but, avoid listening to your heart. Trust me, it will mislead you both.

---

I'm happy that the newbie is being acknowledged by everyone. Keep it up, everyone's looking up to you. Three attendance, and you're in fact at the heart of the whole group.

---

To you my so-called partner in crime, I'm happy that you enjoyed this evening's gathering. I never saw you that happy before. You even hugged me tight, which you never did to me before. May the cordiality he showed you would be the beginning of a new friendship. All may be lost, but hopefully, you found a new friend in him.

---

And to you, mister buffy guy, thanks for knowing you again. I really cherished having that heart-to-heart discussion with you about your life, your problems, and what you dream of in the future. I hope my enlightenment had shown you the way. Our confrontations set you free.

Calling From Powerflex

Just got home from the gym. I never thought that weight training would be a very excruciating experience. Marbin, my apathetic gym instructor told me to warm up on a stationary bike for 15 minutes. Imagine the strain and the tension my legs got from the bike. When the warm-up was completed, I felt this gyrating sensation in my legs. And that was only the warm-up of my 7+ exercise program this evening.

All in all, I needed 3 sets with 15 reps for every exercise in my weight-training program. Most of the exercises were easy and less strenuous. I feel my fat burning especially when I did the crunches. Man! I was doing 15 reps when after I stopped doing the exercise, cramps suddenly hit my abs. It's like, I couldn't get up because I feel that my stomach is contracting. I told the sensation to my instructor, so we stopped the other abs exercises in the meantime.

The most difficult exercises I've done were those involving the arms, particularly the biceps/triceps area. The punishment was too much that I have to change my dumbell because of the strain. I was also worried that since the instructor was nowhere in sight, I might be doing the wrong thing. But just the same, I tried to complete the program despite its difficulty. After all, one thing I've learned from the other guys is that do not push the limits especially if you know that your body couldn't do it.

There are a lot of sights to see while I was in the gym. However, it doesn't attract my attention because I have a calling why I was there. With all honesty, ingget ako sa mga katawan nila pero yun lang, nothing more. Right now, I'm not so sure if I could commit to this pursuit but when I saw myself in the mirror while doing the exercises, I realized how big I had become. I lost interest to compete and make myself fishable when I started living a "committed" existence and in doing so, I forgot that I have a body and health and well-being to maintain.

Phanks was there the whole time during my first gym training this evening. He's the one really pushing me to trim down (because he said that he'll become "wilder" if he sees me naked with a better figure). But just the same, I appreciate his support for this endeavor. Really, nobody showed me this much support for such an activity except my buddy.

Hopefully, I could go back to the place on Saturday to burn whatever calories I added when I got home after this evening's training. It's been 4 years since the last time I took weight training seriously.

And looking at the mirror, I guess it would make me realize how important it is to take this opportunity very seriously.

.!.

What makes me happy being PLU:

Bed

Fridays at Malate

Francis and Zeki holding hands

James' mushy posts to Koppy

Henry's recovery from Marlon

Elwyn and his endless sexual appetite

monogamy

Stolich and Nathan

Meng-Meng's darkroom adventures

Bes Dennis' academic discourse on homosexual behavior.

Bes Dennis

tops and bottoms

big putotoys

whammy SMKs

Pao's happy life

contingents on James' pad

#salsalan

long conversations on the phone with an ODDer

Dodong and Zsazsa Zaturnnah

kapag kinikilig si Kugel

Cher

House Music

"innocent" stan

hugs with guys

San Miguel Light Beer

the word fabulous and divine

PLUdar activation

motmots

Papu Masquerade

long foreplays and sudden hardons

Bel-Ami

and lastly

having intimate moments with Phanks.

As I Was Saying

I woke up at 2:00 pm this afternoon and up until this moment, I just wanna be locked up in my room and isolate myself from everyone.

Zeki sent me an SMS message this morning. He's just checking me out if I'm ok. Sweet guy. That's why I adore him, not only do we connect in many ways, I see him as the big brother among the elder guys in the group.

And he will be celebrating his 23rd month with Bocelli today. Way to go dudes. Happy Monthsary to both of you.

---

I had a chance to have a conversation with Vermont last night. You see, that guy is the newest to join the group and somehow, my first impression of him wasn't really that enlightening.

Several weeks ago, I openly told everyone my reservations about letting a newbie enter the group. My reasons are valid. I told them that some of the Odders don't feel comfortable mingling with strangers. I was asking for a breather just to know a newbie before they allow someone new in the group. Look at what happened, some had left, but only a few had remained. Last night was a different kind of experience though. Since I'm not really good at singing, I decided to check out those guys who aren't singing as well. Timing, I found him on the balcony with his best friend.

I had a conversation with them and talked about love life, academics, and social life. I discovered many things unique in him and I even told him what I felt about his first arrival in the group. It was a bonding session I've been looking for whenever I come across newbies. Somehow, that conversation allowed me to see the humanity inside Vermont.

Definitely, I like the guy. I will be very honored if he decides to stay in the group. I think we will need people like him. Oh well, let's see what happens next.

---

Today is not a good day to die. I've been useless for most part of the day, and I haven't started my gym training yet, no matter how I planned or plugged it on my blog two days ago. I'm so very lazy and so damn hopeless to drag my life toward acceptable levels. I am not depressed, but I feel that I'm going in circles. Anyway, what makes my life a little bit better today is that finally...

I downloaded my Hotdogs in Kazaa this morning.

However, I love the Cookie Chua rendition much better.

Unsung Heroes

Habang papunta sa pad ni James, may napansin akong wallet sa may nilalakaran ko sa Crossing. Nung una, dedma lang ako kasi nakakahiya naman pumulot ng wallet lalo na kung pambabae. Pero nung nilampasan ko na yung wallet, biglang pinulot nung girl sabay parang tawag sakin. Ako naman lumapit at nagpretend na interesadong tumulong na rin.

Tas pinapahabol niya sakin yung girl na nakablack na nasa unahan ko lang daw, sabi ko naman kunin ko na yung wallet sabay abot dun sa girl, pero sabi niya, tawagin ko na lang daw... Jackpot!!! Mukhang nabasa niya kung anong balak kong gawin, so para hindi na lang ako mapahiya, hinabol ko yung girl. Pero sabi niya hindi daw sa kanya yung wallet so ako naman balik sa kanya.

Nagdecide kami na bulatlatin na lang yung wallet, at i-check kung meron kaming lead na makukuha dun para maibalik siya sa may-ari. Sabi nung kasama kong girl, wag daw namin ibigay sa pulis kasi hindi talaga nila ibabalik yun. Checked everything inside mula credit cards hanggang calling cards pero wala. Kita namin, may P3000 + sa loob tas may dollars pa, sabi ko sa sarili ko tiba tiba ako pag nakuha ko yung wallet. Kakacheck namin ng nasa loob, may nakita kaming piece ng papel na may pangalan nung girl saka cellphone number. So hayun, tinawagan ko yung number guy yung nakasagot. Since malayo daw siya sa area namin so sabi ko tawagan na lang niya yung owner nung wallet at iforward yung number ko sa kanya.

Matapos kong ibaba yung phone, nagpaalam na rin sakin yung girl na kasama ko. Sabi niya malayo pa daw yung uuwian niya kaya pinagkakatiwala na niya sakin yung wallet. Here's my chance sabi ko sa sarili ko. Pagkatapos ko kunin yung number nung girl, sumibat na rin ako patungo kina James.

Ilang steps mula Paragon, tumawag na sakin yung may-ari ng wallet. Sabi niya kita daw kami sa Jollibee Edsa Central. Sabi ko sige. Habang naglalakad, napapaisip ako kung isosoli ko na lang ba yung wallet sabay tago sa pera. Kunyari napulot ko wala nang nasa loob. Sa totoo, tempted akong kunin yung pera, tao lang naman ako para hindi mabulag sa ganung kadaming cash.

Imagine, idedeposit ko lang yung, magkakamilyones na ako, o kaya pwede ko idate si Mama, o kaya panggrocery ko na sa bahay namin... Pero narealize ko na.

Takot pala ako sa karma...

Nakakapanghinayang naman dun sa babae na unang nakapulot nung wallet...

Gusto ko pa ring mapabilang sa mga mabubuting tao sa mundo...

Pumunta akong Jollibee, confused at dinedemonyo pa rin. Order akong chicken at palabok. Pagkaupo ko pa lang ng table, nagtext sakin yung boyfriend niya. Salamat daw sa concern. tas tumawag na rin yung may ari, sabi ko nasa loob ako, kumakain.

Nagkita kami,

nagshake-hands.

Kasing edad ko lang pala halos siya.

Mayaman siya based sa phone niya.

Yuppie kung iisipiin.

Sinoli ko yung wallet sa kanya. Pinakita ko na yun lang yung perang nasa loob. Makikita mo sa mata niya kung gaano siya kasaya makuha ulit ang mga pinaghirapan at pinagpaguran niya.

Swerte niya kasi maaring hindi na nakabalik sa kanya ang lahat ng iyon... Nawala ang phone kong bulok, kahit iyon pinagdiskitahan pa nung nakapulot.

Nagpaalam siya after 5 minutes. Di daw niya alam kung paano ako mapapasalamatan. Sabi ko ok lang sakin yun. Itext na lang niya at pasalamatan yung tunay na nakapulot nung wallet niya.

Instrumento lang ako...

Umalis siya na para bang hindi kami nagkita. Di na siya nagtext pagkatapos nun. Parang wala lang ang lahat... para bang panaginip lang. Sa totoo nakakapanghinayang. Madami na sana akong nabili nung gabing yun.

Pero pera lang iyon.

Hindi lahat ng bagay nabibili ng pera.

Masaya na ako na nakabawi naman ako sa iba pang kabutihang ginawa sakin.

May reason na ako para tanggapin sa langit.

I Want Hotdogs

That friggin song Perslab made me search all the corners of Quiapo just to find a pirated CD of Hotdogs - a 70s band who popularized that song. For the first time, I spent one hour checking each stall if they have that cd but to no avail, they don't even know the artist.

I saw Sampaguita, Asin, Freddie Aguilar, VST & Co but why not Hotdogs? Ganun na ba sila ka-forgetten na mismong mga Muslim eh ayaw silang piratahin?

I've been to every alley and every corner of the Salamalaikum Central Piracy Station but I never found a hint that they were selling that CD. However, I found out that the place is not just a haven for Pirated Jologs Audio CDs or Pirated DVDs/VCDs, or the "Porn Library of the Philippines". Entering a small but air-conditioned building, I discovered that they are now selling Pirated Animes, Pirated Hard Rock Metal CDs, and even Discovery Channel Special Documentaries/Features. Galeeng!!! No wonder, James could even find some art films in that place - their markets are gradually accommodating the A-B social classes.

If I have some free time this week, I think I would check out the Animes. Who would have thought that there are secret treasures hidden in that repulsive and somewhat dangerous corner of Quiapo?

And I'm still looking for Hotdogs...

and yea, I'm hooked on Pinoy OPM Retro Songs nowadays, thanks to that song Perslab.

Dreams of Becoming a Gym Bunny - Part Two

 Heto na ang stats ko ngayon:

- 180 lbs.

- high blood

- laging stressed out

- feels something weird in my chest, especially near the heart area

- super massive

- slow mobility

- careless diet

- extremely low self-esteem

That is why I need to trim down. I need to enroll in a gym class. I need to moderate my health because it's failing already.

---

Wish ko lang sipagin ako pumasok bukas

may bago na akong gym na nakita.

The Day That Was Monday

I woke up at 12 noon... again. Late for work, I decided not to take a bath, and grab whatever available clothes I have in the closet. I was in such a hurry that I almost forgot to brush my teeth and wash my face, this is what insomnia has done to me, and will continue to do so until I overhaul my lifestyle.

At least, despite my half-day in office, there were a lot of goals I've completed during my brief stay - wrote a press release for HBC, wrote a letter for a client's tie-up with an NGO, deposited my check in the bank, had a chit-chat with my ever-fabulous officemates, had time to think about Arrjae and why he didn't report for work again, and finally inspired our accountant as to how she would write her speech for her elementary's commencement exercise (she's the guest speaker).

What stunned me was that after telling her the tips about what to write in her piece, my words simply backfired.

---

One dilemma I always face whenever I write things is that to whom do I address my piece - such as this? Would it be for me, for my readers? or for an imaginary being out there among the stars? That's why I was quite hesitant at first to show my blog to others - I know that somehow I would need clarification as to whom I would express myself. If only writing could be done easier.

The key to a successful speech does not depend on what you write or how complex your thoughts are... It is how you show your heart to everyone and become human through your human expressions. People are roused by emotions, and when you have finally succeeded in capturing their thoughts and let them emphatize with your words - even a simple hello could become as complex as to saying goodbye.

---

I've been trying to do a Paowikan, but I simply can't match his creativity and zest for life. Truly, people have different styles. I was born to be a very serious and senti writer that's why I can't even put a smile on my posts.

Anyway.

My confrontations with my Bud several days ago paid off. He's more accomodating to me now than three days ago. Looking at his face this evening, his facial features had changed. He became more mature after we became lovers - bigyan daw ba ng sakit ng ulo kaya mukhang tumanda hehe. But seriously, I think I've already molded him the way I wanted to be. Somehow he never felt that I'm already changing him - the way he look at things, the way he expresses himself. This is what growth is all about. I just hope that things will be better for the both of us.

I pray that we'll still grow and prosper in this relationship. Someday, I want to see ourselves in a posh condo, looking at a setting sun over Manila Bay, hugging each other. I want to see us in this relationship growing together, loving each other as the years and months go by.

---

Pangarap kitang makasama habambuhay.

Earth from Mars

The photo of Earth shows the planet as a bright dot above the horizon about an hour before sunrise. The image is not in color, though scientists say if a human stood in the same spot and looked earthward, home would probably appear pale blue.

You are my Earth, Phanks.

Untitled

Naalala ko bigla, sumasamba pala ako sa mga space sci-fi. Minsan akong nagpakagago sa mga UFO at dun sa mga kumokontak nun. Minsan nila akong napaniwala na kukunin tayo ng mga aliens at magugunaw itong mundong to. Minsan akong nangarap na mararanasan ko sa buhay na ito ang magkaroon tayo ng Moon colony, Mars colony at may naging ka-tropa pa nga ako na kapareho ko rin ang trip sa buhay noon.

Sabay kami nangangarap ng mga planeta, ng mga aliens, ng mga future prospects para sa mundong to at umaasa na sana maging parte kami ng mundong iyon.

Kaso dumaan ang panahon, nagbago ang mga interest, nawala ang mga sinusundang mga sci-fi series sa TV...

Natapos ang Babylon 5

Nabuo ko ang Star Trek Voyager

Paulit ulit ko na nilaro ang Master of Orion at ang mga iba pang space strategy games sa PC.

Nakalimutan ko na ang lahat ng...

Napanood ko kanina yung 2nd episode ng Star Trek Enterpise. Parang biglang nabuhay muli ang lahat sakin

Mukhang may aabangan na ako lagi tuwing Sunday. Mukhang magpapakabaliw na naman ako sa mga science fiction...

Yebba!!!

---

Putragis, insomniac na naman ako.

kakatuwa naman si Kugel... inlab talaga. Hehehe.

Ang sarap mag-abang ng text messages sa cell phone no?

grabe, 10 buwan na akong me buddy pero ugali ko pa rin

tumulala at mag-intay sa mga reply ng mamang yun.

Ok lang yan, sana pren ko siya para ilakad kita. Malay mo, inlab din sha sayo?

Sunday Driving

I woke up at 3 pm

jacked off afterward after confirming

that Phanks wouldn't visit me today

installed Simcity 4 only to uninstall it

afterward

installed Galactic Civilizations

only to uninstall it after it crashed

after 2 hours of playing it.

bored I let my body

crash into my bed

only to be bothered by a call from

Fitness First.

I won't enroll in a fitness course

I have to save money.

Phanks sent a message

telling me to eat my dinner.

I ate my dinner at 5 pm.

I opened my PC, checked out

the blogs

while waiting for my mom to arrive

I'll watch Star Trek Enterprise at 10

and wait till morning

till the sandman lulls me to sleep.

Goodnight

And I went to BED alone but confident.

"I will not fail you Phanks."

I said to myself as I entered

the big red arousing door that says

"whammies inside."

3 am, 4 near misses

and several diva house tracks played later,

I found myself in a swirling mass

of men, looking for a brief moment

of affection.

looking for someone to fulfill a night's need for sexual

satisfaction

Guys kept looking around

kept on changing partners.

a torrid kiss here, a tight hug there

they never stop searching

for the best one

'til the music ends

and the DJ leaves his booth.

Another week.

another Saturday night party.

The search continues.

---

In the middle of it all, I was there in ecstasy

dancing...

for my partner, who is peacefully sleeping

at that entranced moment.

Believing

that our love can resist any

any attempt of temptation.

Believing

that someday we'll find

ourselves there

showing our incomplete

perfection to everyone.

Dreams of Becoming a Gym Bunny

And so I went to Fitness First this afternoon and saw the many beautiful people who frequented that place. Gyms are said to be gay churches... and no wonder, I was not surprised that my PLUdar has gone haywire.

Ms Tina, the nice lady who called me yesterday inviting me for free training, asked me to sign up a lot of documents even before I ever got a tour of the place.

"Sabi ko na nga ba eh, wala na akong kawala dito eh. It's all or nothing pare, you're part of the stereotype na".

After 30 minutes of chatting, giving an introduction, and other vital information about myself, she gave me a tour of the place. Going from room to room, Shyet! Ang laki talaga ng FF! They have this movie room with a lot of stationary bikes. The guide told me that the room is for those gym people who get easily bored doing their routine. Nga naman, you're in a place where your main objective is to burn fats then you'll even end up pampering yourself. I guess this is what you call multi-tasking. Nagtanggal ka na ng taba, me libreng movie ka pa! Ang tsalap siguro mag-stationary bike habang pinapanood mo yung Japanese Version ng The Ring. 

Next, she asked me to go to the men's room to put my things in the locker. Sheesh, kaya pala andami kong naririnig na sex stories about gym shower rooms eh pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang eh nagulat na ako sa sobrang laki ng place, in fact, kalahati ata ng buong ground floor eh men's room. My guide said that they even got a sauna inside, but when I saw a lot of naked guys flaunting their prized torsos around, I decided to simply put my things in the locker and went out of the room immediately, I don't want to imagine things...

---

We went up, to the main fitness room with all the gym equipment you could ever imagine - from treadmills to stationary bikes, to dumbells and stuff, and mind you mga tol, these toys are high tech. You could check your heartbeat, calories burned, etc. in a machine. The last time I used a treadmill, nadumihan pa yung kamay ko dahil sa kalawang, this time ibang klase tong sinubukan ko.

We also checked out the aerobics room where group exercises are done. Somehow, the room smells like pawis, yeah. It's warm and somewhat stinky, and the mirrors seem to be coated by body oils. I'm not good when doing synchronized movements. If ever, I wouldn't dare try to join the group inside.

Returning to the guests' lounge. Ms. Tina gave me the computation/pricelist of how much it would cost me just to apply here and become a member.

Punyeta! In the end, it would cost me an initial P3,500+ just to sign up. Hindi pa kasama dun yung mga bayarin ko every month. Talk about the price of being well-fit. Actually kaya naman talaga ng budget ko, However, my kuripot side tells me that I might not save my salary because of this.

---

Being in a high-end gym like Fitness First is part of my becoming-an-urbanite fantasy - and becoming a gym buff one day. Talk about enjoying the good life. However after seeing the cost, parang nagunaw ata ang lahat ng mga pangarap ko. I think this is too expensive and when I think about how it would leave me unprepared when the real emergency arrives, I think I cannot compromise my money for this.

In fact, I can get a decent gym for half the price. The place is fabulous - very interesting, but I have to consider my priorities.

After a brief demo of those machines, I decided to inform Ms. Tina that I have an "emergency meeting" at the office and have to leave early. Wish ko lang na hindi sana niya nahalata na umandar na naman ang pagiging kuripot ko kaya ako biglang umatras. Yesterday, Arrjae said the same thing - I consult daw muna niya sa "GIRLFRIEND" niya kung maggy-gym sha dun o hindi... What a very lame excuse. Sorry fwend. hihi.

The place is good actually, Ideal for guys who wanted to feel better about themselves. Anyway, who knows. I told them that I would return tomorrow. If I get a lot of encouragement at home (and when they can assure me in the office that they'll provide my 15k salary every month) tonight, I might, in the end, still consider joining that Fitness Center. Sayang naman, baka eto na lang ang iniintay ko.

Pero anyways, as of now... I'm still having doubts.

---

Toinks thanks for the initial inspiration! tuwa ako na you had a good clubbing experience last night. Labs na talaga kita.

Journalspeak

Pramis maglulurk na ako lagi sa Rice Bowl Journals.

Favorite pastime: Mang-amoy kung sino ang straight at kung sino ang PLU. Hehehe, Ilang oras na rin ako nag-lulurk ng mga blog. Kapag whammy, ay sige ma-tsek nga ang buhay, baka mas makulay ang sa kanya.

Check... Check...

Hayun, mukhang astigin. Perfect amuyin. Mabasa nga ang kwento, baka merong something juicy.

Basa... Basa...

Ui pics, astig gwaping! (pero bakit ganun para atang gumagana ang PLUdar ko?)

Basa... Basa...

Uhmmm ui may ibang lalaki! katabi pa. Naks buddy niya to.

Ma-check nga ang holoscan.

Nyek utol pala. In fairness whammy sila pareho. Bagay magbud.

... ayoko na, hirap humanap ng signs. Baka magkamali ng pag-amoy, makahanap na nga lang ng iba.

Kelan kaya ako maglulurk ng blog ng tsiks?

Makaamoy kaya ako ng lesbian o kaya bisexual?

Ah hinde, magbasa-basa na lang ako.

---

Got this from one of the blogs

"by 11pm..i received a text..inviting me to an orgy..ehehee..=P

text: Rm. *** imperial palace sa timog circle ung may boyscout

me: 2nyt na ba ito?

him: yup!

so sinabi ko sa mga kasama ko..tapos bigla silang nagtaka na parang ang late naman ata ng umpisa ng orgy..so nag text ako ulit

me: bakit parang late na ata nag start?

him: watch kc ng binibini..

AY POOTANGINA!!! tumambling kmeng lahat!! sabay laugh ng laugh ng sobra..ehehehe..hanep dude! pare! repapips! tol! tumigil ang mundo ng mga bakla dahil sa binibing pilipinas..ahahahaa

so kme naman..kwentuhan kwentuhan..den nag decide kme na pumunta..mga around 1:30 na yun..

so pagdating sa imperial..attack dun sa room..

*knock knock*

fren: anjan si o***??

nagbukas ng door: ay umalis na sila..pumunta ng malate..

fren: ah ok..kse tinext nya kme..

nagbukas ng door: umalis na sila ehh..

fren: ok

ahahahaa..ayan! naudlot tuloy..nagmamaganda kme..wala na kmeng naabutan..o dba? ansaya..sabi nga ng isang fren ko..siguro habang may nagaganap na orgy..im sure nagkkwentuhan sila tungkol sa mga bet nila sa binibining pilipinas..at ang mga comments nila..mga tipong habang hinahagip eh nagkkwentuhan ng "feeling ko si candidate no. 12 ang mananalo" o di kaya.. "di marunong magsalita sa candidate number 10" ahahaa..happy!

so ayun..ang ending..bigo kme..

at ang ending talaga..napadpad kme sa malate.."

---

2:15 am. Sa wakas nakakita na rin ako ng straight! Yun nga lang tutoy pa at mukha atang hindi marunong magblog.

Pansin ko lang, mas makwento ang mga non-straight kesa sa straight.

Pansin ko rin, mas creative ang mga non-straight kesa sa straight.

At higit sa lahat, napapansin ko na mas emotional mag-journal ang mga nonstraight sa straight.

Hehehe.

---

2:30 am.

Sawa na ako magcheck ng ibang blogs. What if I tweak again my own blog? Change the color or something. Pramis hindi muna ako magpapalit ng audio tomorrow. Kakagising ko lang kaninang 12 midnight para mag-gudnayt sa bud ko. As usual, depressed mode na naman ang asawa ko. Kasi... kung pwede ko lang siya ibahay at mag-live in kami gaya ng ginawa nina Koppy eh matagal ko na ginawa yun. Pero hindi pa siguro time. Marami pa kaming issues na dapat i-solve. Kelangan ko muna matuto magtiwala at alisan ng pagdududa ang partner ko.

Siguro 5 or 6 na naman ako makakatulog. Nakakainis, di ako nakapag-Malate tonight. Siguro bukas na lang. Gusto ko mag-BED ulit. Pero madedepress na naman ako kapag nakita ko yung mga ledge dancers dun na magaganda ang katawan. Sana sipagin ako pumunta sa gym training bukas. Sige, kahit medyo malayo, patulan ko na rin.

Basta magising ako ng bago mag-lunch.

TGIF

Somebody cared to wake me up this morning, that's why I managed to drag myself to work even though I was an hour late...

Wait, now I remember, it's my mom who woke me up using her phone. She kept on ringing my Nokia 3100 till I got out of bed. I went down to the kitchen, had brunch, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and then put on my clothes for work. I never took a bath, and hopefully, no one would ever notice my stinky smell.

At work, as usual, there are no tasks to complete. I have to wait till after lunch until someone would notice me and give me some other things to do. I was about to do some media research (thanks to my initiatives today) when my female boss asked me to encode some things for her. From 11 AM till 6 this evening, I was typing some data from a manual. If you ask me, boring yung pinagawa sakin tas mukha tuloy ako ginawang secretary. Pero at least, hindi ko kailangang mag-isip, andun na sa desk yung dapat kong trabahuhin.

At higit sa lahat, walang nakakita saking natutulog sa work. Hehehe. Maybe it was still a good thing she allowed me to do that favor for her. I feel so accomplished, even though I never received my salary today.

---

Arrjae reported for work. Ok naman siya, di nga lang kami masyado nakapagusap tungkol sa mga buhay buhay namin. He seemed so preoccupied with his fitness regimen, in fact, someone from Fitness First called me a while ago asking if I would like to try their promo - a free fitness training program for a day only. The lady said Arrjae referred me. After several inquiries from the lady, I decided to grab the opportunity. I reserved a slot for an afternoon training tomorrow. Hopefully attending this single training would somehow change my life, and make me feel much better.

Lately, I always feel down and uncomfortable with myself. Blame it on my massive figure, but whenever I looked at the mirror (or gaze upon the hunky and half-naked ledge dancers at BED), naiisip ko, could I achieve such a body? Could I one day go up on a ledge and then proudly fulfill my dream of becoming an exhibitionist? Who knows, this might be the first step in achieving that dream. Anyway, if I have an objective if ever I decide to pursue this enterprise, my goal is to feel better and reclaim the confidence I once had before people started pulling me down.

---

And I have to share this lesson with you guys. Lately, I feel like my bud takes me for granted. Pakiramdam ko, ako na lang yung laging humahabol sa kanya, laging naghahanap sa kanya, at laging unang nagpaparamdam sa kanya. I think I spoiled him too much... maybe because no matter how I try to deny it, nakadepende na rin ang sarili ko sa kanya eh (just like I'm doing now, I keep on staring at my phone hopefully he'll send me a message). I got a little pissed off this afternoon. I gave him extra credits last night so that I can always expect a reply from him whenever I send him a text message, but come this afternoon, I checked him out but he never responded. I called him before his lunch break ended and he just told me to call later, nagmamadali daw siya.

I never called.

Before I went home from work, I tried to call him up again, but he never answered. Until now, I am waiting for a message from him but still, there was no response. Siguro kailangan ko na makipagmatigasan. I have to let him know how it feels like waiting for someone. I am slightly mad, somehow paranoid, and a little bit cranky right now.

My deranged mind keeps on telling me that he's cheating on me, using my load to flirt with other guys, I also feel that he is joining SEBs (sex eyeballs) and ONS (one night stands) behind my back and secretly is into FUBU relationship with someone. Of course, if I follow this feeling (which is slightly gaining the upper hand right now), I would have done the same... (go to BED, cruise for guys, have sex and then flirt with them afterward, make a fling out of some other guys I date, find a better partner, and then dump Phanks afterward). Honestly, I really feared thinking about these things, that's why I try my best to think of a lot of logical reasons whenever he lets me feel this way. I'm a very paranoid guy and sometimes, the only thing that I clung to when I feel like this is his assuring words that no one else comes close like what I do. Sana totoo. Ang hirap ng ganito. Di ko alam kung paano ko tuturuan ang sarili ko na magtiwala...

(Di ko talaga siya matiis... try ko nga muna tumawag ulit sa kanya...)

So tama ang hinala ko. He's bad trip, he's not in the mood, thus I once again suffer. I know, there is a big problem on my part. I can't help but think TOO much about him. Siguro unconsciously, my fears force me to respond this way. I should put a diversion to stop me from acting this way - I should put a very good diversion but what? Maybe I could install another PC Game or find another time-consuming interest such as going to places, hanging out with friends, rediscovering my childhood pastimes, etc. But I know, my bud would still slip into my consciousness despite the preoccupation of the moment... the only diversion that will truly liberate my consciousness and focus that I know, is that of having an interest in other people...

You see, despite my strong stand against polygamy, I am not really immune to it. There are times I get tempted or times when I think about what if someone better comes along? I could have committed a mistake a long time ago if I didn't believe in us, but so far, that's what makes us united. My enduring belief is that all we have is each other. I don't know about him, I don't know how he thinks about our relationship but for me, I find this relationship priceless. It moves me, it gives me strength, and it drives me to think beyond myself but in doing so, I'm concerned that I'm becoming overboard.

Maybe I really need to keep a distance and try to move all by myself. Maybe I should think of diversions - clean diversions from time to time. Maybe I should boost my confidence. I become so clingy whenever I am down. I think I am becoming overprotective and overly concerned with the affairs of my bud...

Maybe I should give him more space.

Ika nga nila, let him be free, and when he comes back to you then you'll know how strong his love really is to you.

---

I heard the news last night about a family who was burned to death in Quezon City. This morning, Manila Bulletin published a picture of the woman, burned beyond recognition, headless and her flesh and fats gaping from her charred body while the police gently put her in a body bag.

Imagine seeing those pictures while eating your favorite breakfast.... that's too disturbing.

Mind Overload

Yes this is suicide. I can't sleep and I haven't been reporting for work since Yesterday. My God! My life will fall apart if I fail to appear today, Proxi's in really deep shit. I can't imagine how would my boss react if he finds out that I've been sleeping all day that's why I'm always absent these past few weeks. Fuck this insomnia, fuck this body clock. I want to join the Rice Bowl Journals but I'm afraid that my classmates might discover this blog. You see, I've been so open in this domain to the point that I think I've been flaunting my gay side here too much. Anyways, no one can blame me, my world revolves around PLUs and my bud. I can't share things that doesn't really happen to me. However what if I joined that circle, are there PLUs there too? Oh, probably. PLUs are creative and expressive, surely they would park their sites in that community. Ok... I can't sleep yet. In just several blinks of an eye, it would be 5 AM. People would wake up and fuck!!! How can I cope with 2 hours of sleep. Patay na talaga ako. I am really frantic here. Speaking of frantic, Franticme, comes across my thoughts. I just hate him, I really do. He's a real pissoff, an asshole in its most disgusting and unglorified state. I wonder, how does he STILL exist with all the rantings and all the bitterness that resides in his heart? I wonder why do that negroid Code4thyear still joins his crusade to mock us when in fact, that bitch doesn't know our story. Anyway, who cares about them. As long as I don't see their posts or their senseless and shallow hirits. I guess I should still be happy. I shouldn't be wasting valueable space on them. Anyway, my mind's stilll in overdrive here. All I wanted is to get some sleep. A decent sleep, because I've been so fucked up with this routine that I would even pay just to break this cycle. Still browsing people at the Rice Bowl Journals... hmmm. I think that guy is cute, oh, wait, he's gay alright. Are there straight guys over there? In fairness the ladies are quite cute too. No, I think there are a lot of straight guys there and fewer PLUs around. I think it's better to hide this blog. After all, I've been posting a lot of crappy stuff these days. I'm so damn uncreative. I'm careless with my thoughts and I'm poor with my words. Well, it's 4:30. I could go on ranting and ranting till my fingers bleed and my keyboard sticks its keys. I just want to have some sleep. I won't go out tonight. I will fix my fucking schedule and have a better regimen next week. It's morning. I have to send my morning message to my pangga and hopefully his day would be a lot better than mine.

It's already 5 am.

This is insane.

Just When I'm Sentiying

 Fuck PLDT Vibe. I just lost my emotion-driven post.

I was about to reflect on Kenzo's story and just when I was about to save it, poof! It disappeared.

And I lost my momentum to rewrite everything that I've said.

Anyway, I dedicated this song to Bunsoy. Hopefully, his story about the guy would lead to something better.

--

and I'm so sad

like a good book

I can't put this

day back

a sorta fairytale

with you

a sorta fairytale

with you - Tori Amos, A Sorta Fairytale

Playing With Kuleet

Ang tigang na lupa ay unti-unting nabubusog

sa halik ng malamig at mapangbuhay na tubig ulan.

Pinawi niya ang init at pangungulila

na ipinagsisigawan ng aking katawan.

---

I'll spare everyone the details but my bud finally granted my request.

I showed him how a sexually deprived person drives his partner in bed

and he was definitely taken in for a shock as I worked my way to give him

a lovemaking experience he'll be looking forward to in the next few weeks...

---

And here I am, tired and drained. But my afterglow is still evident whenever I look in the mirror. Ang sarap! Da best! and we've both got our fill.

And to think, the only reason I left home is to have a popoy with him.

Wala pa ring tatalo sa romansang mag-buddy.

O' Holy Night

And when they opened the door, I knew, I am home.

That's how I felt when I attended tonight's Contingent. After almost two weeks of absence, I decided to drop by and bond with the group. This evening, I've seen new faces - new people to know and understand and discover. I've met, for the second time the couple that always fascinates me... Zeki and Boccelli in one gathering.

It's been ages since I met these guys. No wonder, I really missed these people. Hugs here, hand waves there, smile here, laugh there. Suddenly, everything seems so new and refreshed. The troubles and conflicts I felt before vanished instantly. You see, these are the only guys I knew... and clung to all these years. I am right when I felt their importance the last time I found myself clubbing in BED. Nothing beats the feeling of being with the people you considered your family.

I really missed a lot of things and it's good to be back.

What really makes this night really special is that there's no booze around. Finally, the policeman can enjoy the perks of being in a reunion without having to worry about people doing things overboard. This Contingent was set to be a karaoke night. Thanks to James' magic mic, I've heard once again how the divas sing with their hearts out. People in the group loved to sing, dance and... sing. I may be a little shy when it comes to singing, but I really appreciate that they are having a good time.

Lui (Sun God), being new to this Contingent, was given the spotlight. People wanted to know this guy. Being his avid blog lurker, I am quite interested to know more about him in person. People laugh, people sing, people talked about one another, and people argued about the importance of monogamy in a relationship. Bes, Topz, Marvin, and I were discussing nipples - guys nipples that is. People were making comparison about their man-nipples. Bes was making fun of Marvin the whole time. The last time I saw them together like this was years ago - when we used to call Quattro our nook.

Henry had a new look, and he looks better now than I saw him weeks ago. The aura of being devastated isn't noticeable at all anymore. I have to thank Elwyn for making him feel better... well even for just a moment. Benchboy... seemed to have found his mate. They look so sweet and promising especially when they told us that they were leaving - together. I hope that what I saw would lead to something better, keep it up dudes and break a leg so that you'll find happiness with each other. You deserve to be loved Bench, and I think this is the right time.

I don't know but Arrjae seemed happy when I saw him tonight. Maybe it's because he had again re-discovered the joys of playing magic cards with Zeki or maybe he met a whammy (cute) guy this week. I'll be in the office tomorrow hopefully to get an update on his life. Hopefully, he too had already recovered from his depression. Meng-Meng, Stolich, and Nathan remain blooming as ever. I don't know if it's in their mood but I've never seen them this joyful and happy as before. Sonny too looks better and more comfortable, it seems that the booze-less night made these people a little bit better than when I see them taken over by alcohol.

---

I could go on and on relating the happy things that happened in this Contingent tonight. Somehow, this no-booze night raised my spirits. This is what I've been looking for in The Outsiders - the pristine Odders I've missed so much. People are having fun, and yet sober. Some people, who are used to SDN (Self-Destruction Nights) would feel a little awkward, and even bored without the usual gin-pom being passed around. But you see, there are moments when it's better to be sober, showing our normal selves rather than drunk with the booze-powered persona controlling our every move. Though we are less free and restrained to do what we want, at least our soberness had shown the untainted side of us tonight.

Before we left, I hugged everyone... to say how much thankful and appreciative I am with these guys, for being here and being my family all this time.

---

I really mean it when I said to Roy that if I hugged him that tight two years ago, kikiligin talaga ako sa kanya...

When I saw in James' eyes how much he love and cherish Koppy's presence in these gatherings, If I had the moolah, I would have sent him to Singapore this week.

When I felt how bonded Topz is in the group, I said to myself. "My solo eb (eye-ball) with him had paid off. I remain the ambassador of whatever PLU group I belong to."

I appreciate Raf-Raf's presence in this contingent tonight. I hope he had fun.

Meng-Meng finally met Kadyot... Kaingget...

---

Till the next booze-less contingent. See you again boys.

Today

We celebrate the death of Marquis De Sade, the French writer of

God of perversion.

I really need to be shagged.

My body can't take it anymore.

--

I had a long and bonding talk with James

a while ago...

I will make my presence felt at the Odders tonight.

Penis Monologue

While stroking my batutuy as I surfed the net for PLU erotic stories:

Ako ay isang tite.

matigas at galit na galit,

gusto kong maglaway

at mandura mailabas

lang ang sama ng loob na namumuo sa bayag

ko.

Ilang beses ko nang kinulit

itong si boss na hindi na ako kuntento

sa pahimas himas na lang,

sa pagsasalsal na lang

at sa pag kambyo-kambyo na lang

kapag ako ay nangungulit.

Namimiss ko na rin na ako'y

ipinapasok...

sa mainit na labi,

at kinukuryente ng libog

habang umiikot ang isang dila

sa katawan ko.

habang sinusungkal ang pinaka-butas ko

Habang nadi-deep throat ako at

sinusuck ng walang patid.

Namimiss ko na ang feeling

ng kung paano ang nasa loob

ng isang vacuum cleaner

at naliligo sa laway na walang kasing

dulas...

Maalala ko lang ang mga bagay

na ito'y tuluyang nagpapagalit

sakin...

Kailan... o kailan ba

ako makakakita ulit ng kapwa

burat?

Kelan ba ako masusubo ulit?

Hanggang kailan ako magpapakakuntento

sa jakol na lang?

O kailan, o...

Whooops, may kumakatok sa pinto, mamaya na lang kita ulit kakausapin batutoy ko.

---

It's been almost two weeks since my last popoy (sex)... I don't usually last this long and I feel that my body is REALLY craving for it. I hope... I could ask him... one of these days.

Closeted Lesbian

"Mas bagay ata akong lesbian kesa sa PLU..."

I told this jokingly to Zeki this morning.

Lately, I've had this feeling that aside from being attracted and aroused to guys, there's nothing that really connects me to the gay world. PLU (queer masculine men) are talking about divas, beauty pageants, QAF, Star In A Million (a reality show), telenovelas, etc., etc... even my bud will sometimes catch me unprepared when he starts conversing with me about his interests, which revolves around these themes. I know, I adore Cher, but that's it, I go to BED every week only to dance freely and drown myself in hard beats and House music. However, no matter how I try to relate to the general discussions, most gays talk about, I almost end up not relating at all.

Probably because I don't watch these programs and these things don't really interest me.

Weird thing is that I chatted with a lesbian some time ago and most of her interests - from Tracy Chapman to rock bands, to scenic locations and out-of-town places (aside from beaches and Puerto Galera), we jived. In fact, I can even smell lesbians-in-hiding myself. Pero shempre, it takes a little bit of chatting before I can use those senses. What matters is that most of the time, I feel that I belong to the lesbian' world than in my world.

Oh well, kanya-kanyang trip lang yan. As long as I don't fall for girls or... butches and as long as I can talk about men, men, and men with a fellow PLU. Then I'm sure that these lesbian tendencies remain a feeling and nothing more.

... On the other hand, why does the thought of vaginas rouse my curiosities lately? Weird...

No Smint... No...

A kiss is just a kiss for me... but that kiss, if freely given to someone means I am willing to give in to the person I am kissing. It's my sole key to libido - my perfect expression of intimacy and affection to a partner. A person can give me a blowjob if he wants but without a kiss, that person would end up having sex with a Layla-D.

I used to believe that kisses are only reserved for special people. However, adopting a philosophy of finding your mate from your sex mates changed all that. I do give a passionate kiss as my opening salvo as I dwell so much on foreplay. Foreplay makes me alive, horny, and extremely affectionate - - that's why some remember me especially when they discover this secret.

But kisses also poison me. When I discover that my partner also loves the way I do things with him, whenever he responds to the way I do it, almost always I fall over.

...that's why we both found each other because he discovered this secret...

---

Kissing is one of my deadliest arsenal in the darkroom. I let a partner feel special when I begin twisting my tongue in their mouth. Saliva changes as my hand explores the body of my partner... not just at the center itself but in the entirety of it.

That's why, I am a bit reserved when giving a kiss - even a friendly stan because it always reminded me of my libido, of the mindset I have adopted for myself. Whenever someone asks me why I do not give a stan to everyone - even though it's just a "friendly" and "innocent" kiss, the truth is, a kiss, especially on the lips, no matter how friendly it is almost, always reminded me of sex - Of how I used and abused it to gain an advantage over others in finding a partner - Of how I reserve it for very special persons who either transcends my usual mindset or simply to show Phanks my affection. Call me malicious or anything but a kiss, just a mere kiss bears a lot of meaning to me.

---

Epilogue: The meeting in the office was a success. Hopefully, both parties concerned would make peace in the next few days. However, the victory was short-lived since Dad had intervened only to mess up everything we have worked for this meeting. Frustrated, Phanks comforted me till we parted ways this evening.

Sealdi wants to be called a fag-mistress and her version of our story is heartwarming. Girls are better at expressing their emotions than boys - even better than people like us.

Terror Stricken

"Hurt. Marlon admitted to me that he's been fooling with other guys the whole duration that we're together. He has been fooling with 4 other guys before I caught him. tsk tsk tsk... man,"

I would have responded to Econ's entry last night, but when I felt that my emotions are really overpowering me, I said to myself that it was better to postpone this for another day.

You see, I've been in Henry's situation before. I guess I wrote it bluntly in his comments about how my ex-bud told me that he fucked my friend's nephew and described in full detail how both of them enjoyed it.

I know, I had my revenge too. I'm really not the goody-goody type who would just sit down in one corner, and cry - I would have responded the way someone did those things to me, and do my deed without any sign of guilt.

But somehow, knowing that he was the one who betrayed me first feels like I was still the real loser in this case.

I trusted the guy. I even wrote a long letter telling him how confident I am that he was not doing anything behind my back. That I'm a better sex mate than anyone he would encounter while I am around when in fact he's doing it already. No wonder, he never responded back because the guilt was in him. That he's already doing it already with the kid.

There were even times that I am talking to him on the phone, telling him how much I loved him, not knowing that beside him in his dorm was that fucking guy who just had a wild and steamy sex with him.

My ex-bud told me everything... and I was speechless the whole time, even if we're already exes for months.

"The whole time I was led to believe that I was the only one in his life. I was practically bamboozled and cheated. damn... I was betrayed the whole time... When I asked him why, he just said that he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex."

The whole time, I was lead on to believe that he remains faithful to me - at least even a little bit. Kakayanin ko yung araw-araw na pag-aaway namin masiguro lang na ako lang ang lalaki sa buhay niya. Pero hindi eh. Just like a lot of PLUs, his reason was the same - he needed someone else to give him more, to satiate his cravings for sex.

Bakit, lalaki rin naman ako ah! Mas tigasin pa nga ako sa kanya ah. Meron rin akong sariling cravings ko sa sex, and I wouldn't hesitate to find another top since my ex really bores me when it comes to foreplay. Pero hindi eh, masyado kasi akong naninindigan sa monogamy kaya nagago ako.

Tangina, it's been one whole fucking year already but this monster would never leave me! I am always haunted by this experience every time I would learn someone had experienced it too.

And slowly, it grinds into my present relationship with Phanks. It makes me a little paranoid, somewhat uncomfortable. I felt like I am a little withdrawn from the relationship because these reminders have invaded my mind again.

And it terrorizes me. Panic-stricken, I would have run into the chatrooms again, or spent more time cruising in sleazy places only to feel better. However, the present knows how to deal with my past, consciously or unconsciously, he knows how to make me feel ok when these things haunt me...

I know, he had assured me a thousand times over. We have waged countless wars because of this and threatened him countless times that I would never hesitate to break this relationship if I found out that he is cheating me. It would be a very hard and painful decision, but I would never think twice about breaking it.

Like what I've said over and over again: Once the glass is broken, it will never be fixed.

This feeling would linger for some time. Hopefully, it would never be a source of a fight between us. It wouldn't be necessary to talk about these things with him again, for I understand how tiring and stressful it is for him to learn that these worries still reside within me. I would simply keep my guard.

Relationships are good when you feel secure with your partner. A relationship is a hell when things such as in econ's story happen.

...It would have given me another reason to fuck and mess around with some other fucker's life.

Ex-Housemates' Reunion

Katatapos ko lang i-publish yung entry ko kanina nang biglang may bumatok sa ulo ko. Ang tahitahitahimik ko sa Netopia tas biglang dumating si James dun, kasama ang aming sisterette na si Sealdi.

Matagal na rin ang nakalipas mula nang nagkita kami ng babaeng yun. Kung meron akong nag-iisang fag hag, siguro si Sealdi lang ang may distinction nun. As usual, matapos nilang manood ng Lost In Translation eh nagutom ang mga kids kaya nagdecide kaming mag-dine in sa Super Bowl dahil pare-pareho naming gusto makatikim nung Crispy Honey Chicken.

Balitaan, kwentuhan tungkol sa mga buhay buhay... Last time pala na nagdine-in kaming tatlo eh nung first week ko na housemate nila ako. Nagpakasawa kami sa pasta dun sa Katre, sabay hirit ng mga kaputahan ko sa buhay. Isang taon at maraming pagbabago later, hayun natagpuan muli namin ang isa't isa, nagpapakabohemian sa isang resto, na nung huling beses kong napuntahan eh doktor pa ang nagtreat sakin.

Tatlong baso ng tubig, Crispy Honey Chicken, Isang order ng Garlic Rice, Wanton Noodle Soup at isang bowl ng almond jelly. Noon, bitin pa sa amin ang ganitong order, pero ngayong mahalaga na sa amin ang kumita ng pera, kaya na naming pagkasyahin sa sikmura namin ang ganito.

Fast forward: inikot namin ang buong Ortigas Center habang nagrereminisce sa nakaraan naming buhay. Nanduong napunta kami sa tapat ng Discovery Suites habang itong sila James at Sealdi ay nagmumuni-muni sa isang gabi nilang pagcheck-in dun (salamat sa PEx). Sa paglilibot namin ay bumabalik sakin ang alaala ng pagiging chatter ko - isang taon rin akong nakisalamuha sa lugar na yun, nakikisama sa iba't ibang grupo ng mga PLU, masabi lang na "in" ako sa mundong ito.

Ngayon, ni palatandaan ng mundong iyon ay tuluyan ng nagunaw sa aking paningin.

Tumuloy kami sa pad ni James sa Paragon Plaza habang patuloy pa rin kami sa pagrereminisce ng aming mga nakaraan. Ito lang pala ang unang pagkakataon na nagkasama-sama kaming tatlo na may mga boypren (na noong nasa apartment pa kami ay pinangarap naming mangyari sa buhay namin).

Sentihan sa 37th floor, ninanamnam ang katahimikan at pinagbubunyi ang kabilugan ng buwan... Pinagmamasdan ang patulog na siyudad habang nasa isang gilid kami ng viewing deck, pilit iwinawaksi ang katotohanang ang mga sandaling ito'y pansamantala lamang.

---

Sa totoo'y tapos na ang panahon namin, at ang natitira na lang sa aming tatlo ay ang masasayang alaala ng nakaraan... Si Sealdi ay nagtratrabaho na't may inuupahang isang dorm. Si James ay may condo, ngunit palipat na rin sa susunod na buwan... at ako... heto nangangarap magkaroon ng teritoryo muli, patago at malayo sa kinalalagyan ng templo ko ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung kailan mauulit ang ganitong mga pagkikita... ngunit sa loob ng apat na oras na kami'y nagkita muli... parang nagising sa mahibing na pagkakatulog ang ala ala ng walong buwan naming pagsasama.

Marami man akong naging pagkukulang... sa panahong iyon... ngunit iyon lang ang panahon na ako'y naging tunay na malaya.

Iyon lang ang panahong na-enjoy ko ng todo ang aking kabataan.

---

So, Kugel's been reading my blog too. Shucks, I'm flattered. I just read his reply on his blog. I guess people are just silent but, hey, like me quietly reading their blogs... they also seemed, reading mine too.

Anyway, I'm still as careless as ever. Grammar mistakes here, wrong spelling there. Sometimes, I really wonder how on earth my editors back in Manila Times tolerated this behavior.

Maybe I was more bibo and pa-cute back then, that's why I easily find an excuse for my behavior.

Uh-Oh

Job Description: Management Staff Executive

Actual Job Field: Personnel Trouble Shooter/Problem Solver/Special Assistant to the Publisher/Vice President

This is how difficult my job is, whenever I work for my dad's company. My decision-making capabilities can change the fate of an employee, or the direction of the business will take. Whenever I talk to young managers like me, who handle their family business, they would always say it's better to be an employee rather than to be an employer with all the powers residing in you.

And we're facing a big inter-department problem right now. Some staff of the editorial department are having trouble dealing with the Finance Manager. It seems like the Finance Manager had some personal vendetta against this department to the point that they had asked me to intervene on their behalf.

I attended their informal meeting this afternoon to personally hear the issues that we will have to discuss at a top-level meeting that I will schedule tomorrow. It seems like this has become a very serious threat to the harmony of the office and whatever outcome we will have from tomorrow's meeting will have a significant effect on how the company system works.

Intrigues always happen in companies - big or small, I may be immune to it but when people start to harbor ill feelings to one another, troubles start to appear.

I just hope I can moderate well the showdown between the managers tomorrow.

... And I think I should buy another of those Chinese Lucky Charms that "sucks" negative energy from people that I found in Chinatown last January.

I gave one of those to the other office and those things really work!

--

I am here in SM Megamall to join my ex-housemates date this evening. It's been eons since I last saw my unica hija, Sealdi. Remembering our housemate days...

Miss ko pa rin yung mga ginagawa namin sa couch kapag wala si James. Heehee.

Blog Afterthoughts

My usual reactions after reading the journal of my blog mates:

Francis: Ma try nga... (gets mo? heehee.)

Zeki: Yessss! Nag-post ulit sha! (kakaintay ng ilang araw para may mabasa ulit)

James: Ako rin... Na-miss ko bigla si Koppy mo...

Brian: Pramis, may sarili shang mundo... (bakit wala atang Odders sa mundo natin?)

Paolo: *smile*... basa... basa... *grin*... tangina. heehee :)

Dennis: Ummm... Ok... (abangan ang susunod na kabanata)

Henry: (Crosses Fingers) Wag mong sasagutin yun, kundi yari ka sakin.

Carl: Ang gwapo talaga ni Dodong. *kilig*

RC: Kelan ang susunod na diskurso natin propesor?

Lui: Tahimik na nagbabasa... tas biglang maluluha (nabasa kasi yung kwento niya tungkol sa mga exes niya)

Marvin: Behave ka lang kapatid... behave. or

Ay gudlak sa thesis mo, konting tiis na lang yan. or

Matulog ka naman, lagi ka na lang puyat eh.

Bes Goonie: Kelan next date niyo ni popoy?

Meng-Meng: Ay Scoop! Scoop!

JR: Malamig siguro dun...

Sealdi: Kelan ka ba magpopost ulit hija?!?!

---

Katuwaan lang, walang pikunan. heehee.

At shempre next time magbabago rin ng moods ang mga blogs nila no.. Ang galeeng!

Pasensya na, taglibog ngayong gabi, kelangan lang ilabas ang sama ng loob dito. Wala si Phanks eh.

Post Jack-Off Thoughts

It took me two hours before I could post my previous entry. The Vibe ISP service wouldn't allow me to preview my posts, thus I have to wait until 2:00 AM just to activate my old (and free) Philworld Account.

---

I found Axon's blog. He's not just a comic artist, his talents even flow into his writings. Very gifted kid, but, whenever I remember how he dumped Kugel after he gave him his first experience of man-to-man sex, we instantly barred him from joining the group.

---

It seems the guys had a very memorable party two nights ago. How ironic that I even invited some of them to join the gathering, then I was the one who never appeared at the event. Oh well, I'm happy that they had a good time with each other... that's it. I had a good time with my former classmates as well.

---

Sometimes, moderating parties - so that they wouldn't get wild becomes quite tiresome already. I know, they are old enough to control themselves, but unfortunately, I've seen people being harassed. Others wouldn't know because they are preoccupied with a lot of things like socializing or self-destructing. However in-split second moments or during conversations after post-parties, one would realize that some "encroachments" had been made but luckily had failed.

Anyway, there are others who are doing my job as well. However, the trauma of having to worry about the things that happen during SDN still sticks in my mind...

I hope you'll understand... If ever... besides...

I'll just stop there.

---

I wonder, how's Arrjae lately. We've never seen each other for two weeks already despite the fact that we're working in the same office and in the same department. I hope he's coping with his depression. By Monday, I'll make sure we'll have our bonding sessions even during lunch break.

---

It's such a pity that the one you used to look up to as a leader is being toyed around by a friend who doesn't know when to stop and who to decide. Mahirap talaga kasi umaasa itong friend kong to, at ang mahirap eh patuloy pa rin siya pinapaasa ni... Mabait naman si... pero sabi nga ni Meng-Meng talagang liability niya ang pagiging indecisive niya.

My friend and I had a conversation this evening, and I found out that this guy... still asks him to wait... despite the fact that he's already seeing someone. What made my friend furious is that this guy keeps on telling him that he was just a kid, an immature kid but the truth is, this guy's new hubby is also the same age as my friend.

Nakakalungkot lang dahil before, my friend used to be a very strong leader in our party, despite his orientation being gay. Somehow, this issue made us bond even closer and puts me into direct conflict with the guy... I used to look up to, the guy who once told me to control, or even stop my sexual adventures, to look for opportunities to settle down and find another guy who would make me become stable.

Nakakapanghinayang lang, it's been almost one and a half years since his first bud left him... but up to now, he remains in a state of flux.

---

My rantings, my distance, and my isolation would soon put me in a bad light. I just feel it. But despite everything, I would remain loyal, accommodating, and in brotherhood with the people I grew up with. It's so hard to find true and lasting friends around here. I may feel alienated and distant for quite some time but someday, I would know who would be there to remain, and who would be there to stay for just a fleeting moment.

---

Lastly,

writing a blog is like having sex, or just merely jacking off. You know about this intellectual arousal and emotional intercourse thingie... express your horniness through writing and you'll cum out with a long piece of entry just like this.

I would like to be more creative like Axon, or some other bloggers I recently discovered, but like what Brando the macho dancer once said...

"small steps at a time kiddo, small steps at a time."

Planetary State Visits

I woke up at 4 pm and since that time would be very late to accomplish anything (except to meet my bud and discuss again his neverending issues - which actually makes me a more intelligent person), there's nothing more to achieve but spend the day resting and looking forward to the next Friday/Saturday night out.

There's nothing relevant that happened, except that I realized that my blogging experience would already complete my zest for life stories. You see, whenever I wanted to update myself on the happenings of the people around me, I peek into their blogs and read their posts word for word. At least even though I don't make my physical/PExer/YG presence felt, I know when will I make myself appear if ever they would need my help.

Every blogger has a style unique to him. Every posts remains fascinating and somewhat heartwarming. However, not all blogger have the itch to express themselves through writing every day. Most of them would update their blogs once a week. But there are those who share their story on a day to day basis, and for avid reader like me... waiting for their new entry to appear is like looking forward to the next episode of your most favorite anime program.

Here are the 10 most updated (and therefore, most read) blogs among my blogmates:

1. Noli Me Tanggero's Blog - James' blog is one of the most updated among my blogmates. If I really want to take a peek into a bohemian's world and his daily adventures, eto ang pick ko. Medyo hindi ako particular sa writing style ng isang writer pero isa si James sa pinaka-creative sa mga nababasa ko. Way to go kapatid! Keep your stories flowing.

2. Jaguar Lord's Blog - Zeki's blog reminds me of my anime days. Andami dami naming similarities ni Kuya J - from our high-school experience to our interests and the way we see things. (Nakalimutan kong ikwento sayo na dati nung mahilig pa ako sa mga action figures, role-playing rin ang type ko gawin sa mga tau-tauhan ko.) Anyway, if you want a gym-buff/faithful lover/anime and magic cards enthusiasts guy's point of view, check out Zeki's blog.

PS: Audio intro pa lang, astig na!

3, The Overfiend's Journal - Witty, humorous and overly creative, Pao's blog if well advertised, will have a huge following. Kung gaano ka-senti ang blog ko, siya namang ka-kwela ng blog niya. If you really want to read the happy things life can offer through the eyes of a call-center groupie, read Pao's journal. Simple, pero ang lakas ng dating pare.

4. The Offshore Blog - Words coming from a young urbanite sometimes let me imagine things that may only exist in my alternate dreamworld - since his world is far from my own. Beautifully written, with a little aftertaste of a bourgeois guy, the Offshore blog lets you peek into a life of a senior college student and the challenges he faces in the "upper-class" world.

And that's how I see him - sun god, the urbanite knows how to be senti.

5. Econ's Blog - Rebuilding a tattered life. That's how I find Econ's nook located at a safe but not-too-distant corner of blog space. His blog speaks of his little steps toward freeing himself from the pain and destruction brought by his ex-lover's betrayal. Simple in a sense that his blog mostly recounts the day-to-day rebuilding of his life, I'm sure one day, Econspace would bloom into a myriad of expressions that tell how the writer transforms himself to become a better man from his painful experiences.

6. Mrav's Journal - Tells you how a physician tries to become a writer by opening his world through his journal. Simple yet transparently written, his journal tells his experiences of people in the most human way possible. When I really wanted to know the behind-the-picture story about a person in the OUTsiders or in his life, Meng-Meng's journal is a recommended pick.

7. The Carver's House Blog - The blog of the mentor himself. Take a peek into the mind of the guy who is behind the creation of Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah and the characters from the One Night in Purgatory comic book.

Artistically written and powered by limitless creativity. Everything is possible in the world of the Carverhouse.

8. Confessions of a Drama Queen - I never saw Bes' side before. Grabe ah, I've always seen him as the guy who always keeps everything inside but in his blog, he lets everyone take a peek at what's inside his heart. Somehow, I am flattered to see a different and "open" picture of Goonie.

9. Life and Music, Bocelli's Blog - Stylish and trendy are two words that would come to my mind when I describe how I find Francis' nook. From the latest fashion to the hippest piece of furniture (tama ba yung pagkabasa ko?) You'll all find it here, straight from the Fashion Guru's mind, in the world of Life and Music blog.

10. The Salva Vida Journal - The most sought-after journal after Garppp and Zeki (Based on the comments to ha). Thank God Marvin, inupdate mo ang journal mo bago ako makapagpost. Hehehe. Anyway, I have to admit that this is one of the most remarkable journals I find so far. Very boyish. (naks!) his life reminded me of my last days in college and during the first weeks of my wild days. Keep it up dude. Dami mong mga fans ah!

---

James is right. I may have the Journalistic skills and a keen sense of details but my carelessness in grammar and other technicalities hamper my skills in writing. I don't read novels and other literary pieces and that makes me a little boxed when it comes to the way I express my thoughts. Words seem to fly around and I can't stretch my hand enough to reach them.

I should widen my horizons more when it comes to literature - the way I expand my experiences through the stories of others.

I began this post not knowing how would I express myself. I hope my revision made my points clearer.

Bistado

"Pare bakla ka daw sabi ni Ponkan." Intro sakin nung ka-tropa ko nung college. "Pinagkakalat niya samin ni Sam, pero pinagtatawanan lang namin kasi imposibleng maging ganun ka... madami ka na ngang nakantot na babae diba?"

Uh oh... this is what I've been very afraid of. Rumors are already circulating and my security has already been compromised.

"Hindi ah." I replied. Then I diverted the conversation to another of our ka-tropa who is having a relationship with a 35-year-old woman...

This is what worries me a lot - being discovered by people who believed that I am straight. I could fully accept my sexual orientation to other straight persons, but when it comes to confronting my issues with my college friends and classmates, I would rather deny my existence than face the consequences of my decision to come out.

You see, this is the reason why a lot of very discreet men chose to hide their sexuality rather than announce it to everyone - especially to their straight male friends. The straight folks only see the effeminate picture and completely deny the existence of people like us. No matter how we try to accept ourselves as homos to fellow homos, no matter how we claim that we're proud of our sexuality when we proclaim it to the gay world - when it comes to confronting our demons in the face of a straight guy.

Tumutupi pa rin tayo.

Eto ang downside ng pagiging masculine non-straight, dehado ka sa mga straight, dehado ka pa sa mga effeministang inggit na inggit sayo.

---

As I've said yesterday, I would attend the despedida of my ex-wife. This ex-wife of mine was my bride when we had this undercover project for our Investigative Journalism two years ago. So hayun, kinasal kami - walang birth certificate, walang parental consent, walang papers na kahit ano. Ang mga witnessess namin eh mga classmates rin namin at may kasama pang videocam ang kasal namin.

A "priestess" officiated our civil wedding for a mere sum of P2,700 pesos only. Ang galing no?

I wonder, can they marry two guys too? What if next time we try?

Mamimiss ko rin siya. Medyo maliit yung gathering namin kanina, but she seemed very happy to see us before she leaves for Cebu to settle there. Bah, siya ata pinaka-cool sa mga classmates kong babae nung college. Kung pwede lang sana balikan ang mga panahong yun.

Mas lalo pa siguro ko pinasaya ang mga araw namin sa Arts and Letters.

---

After the despedida, I immediately said my goodbyes and directly went to BED. As usual, soloflight na naman ako and it's really quite difficult to be in a place where you don't even have an acquaintance to greet. However, the risk of committing a mistake isn't as serious as the last time I was there, pero ngayon ko na-realize kung gaano ka-importante ang may matinong barkada sa ganitong buhay.

A barkada you could be proud of and fight for when someone puts them down. Wala lang, wala ka maakbayan, walang kang makasayaw na hindi ka magwoworry na baka bigla ka na lang kuyumusin ng halik ang labi mo, at higit sa lahat, ang hirap pala ng feeling ng nag-iisa ka lang. I saw Bed as a very pretentious place kanina, and the only humans you know are your own PLU family.

Maybe that's why I expected so much from them... With all the pretensions and perversions I see in Malate, the only people whom I can always trust myself are still, the Outsiders...

---

Nakakalungkot ang mag-isa, buti na lang nakatagpo ako ng mga kakilala doon.

I met Kenji Montoya and Rupher's ex bud at BED a while ago. They were with friends from IRC together with the fabulous and eccentric fag-bitch Razz. At least, their presence is a relief especially for a lonely and down guy like... Etong si Kenjimon, 11 months ago nung una namin siyang dinala ni James sa Malate eh talagang kumakabog ang dibdib kapag napapalapit sa mga gay spots doon, pero ngayon, siya na ang nag-aaya magpunta sa mga lugar na dati rati ay kinatatakutan niya.

Talk about evolution... Kenji is the best example of how SMKs transform to become a...

Ika nga ni parekoy at ni Meng-Meng, paganda ng paganda ang buhok niya ever!.

---

And about Razz, I've seen her with gay companions for almost two years already - ever since the glory days of Mansoc. (MIRC) Meng-Meng once told me that that girl only hangs around with non-straight guys. Tuloy tingin niya sa sarili niya eh isang bakla na rin. The worse is... she hangs around with effem guys... which she torridly kisses whenever she likes. Talk about atrocious behavior. And I saw awhile ago how she made laplapan with Kenji and the rest of her gay friends. Kaya nga ba ayaw ko makipagsayaw sa kanya eh, punyeta mamaya baka pati ako halikan eh parang nakipaglaplapan na rin ako sa mga lalaking yun.

Her eccentricities fascinate me. From the way she wears her dress, to her anik-anik over her chubby body and to her preference of friends. Ano kaya ang mangyayari kapag pinasama mo siya sa mga totoong babae? Ano kaya kung mabuntis siya ng isa sa mga baklang kaibigan niya? I've heard she tried to have sex with some of her gay friends. Naahh, ayaw kong isipin. Gusto ko lang isuka lahat ng nakain ko sa District Bar kanina.

---

Parang humina ang powers ko mula nung sabihan ako ng ka-tropa ko nung kumakalat na balita. And to think nagpalit pa siya ng damit sa harap ko nung sinamahan ko siya sa apartment niya kanina...

Suddenly I want to act straight for a while.

---

Today the moon will reach its perfect full moon phase. Lola Aguiding, my ever-disgusting but loving astrologer suggests that I should be home by 10 pm. Oh well, no parties tonight Proxi. You should let your ATM recuperate and have a rest for a change.

Stable Platform Eh?

I took up a test I found from Thunder-Son's Blogger. Check this out, guys.

Here is the result of my test.

Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman.

For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "marrying material," a prize in the eyes of many.

It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time.

Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. He is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced. Avoid the False Messiah at all fucking costs.

---

In fairness, Phanks is a loving partner... we seem to compliment one another.

Scribble One

 Express your thoughts in 60 seconds or less.

Tinatamad ako magPex. (Pinoyexchange)

gusto ko maglaro ng bagong pc game

di pa ako inaantok.

pero at least normal lang ang bud ko

sakit-sakitan lang pala

we had a long conversation kanina

weird, mas marami ata ako narealize sa kanya

kesa mga naparealize ko sa kanya

I'm bored

I don't want to jack-off tonight

I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Mars was once a water world

and to celebrate its discovery

Aattend ako ng despidida

ng ex wife ko bukas ng gabi.