It could have been a humiliation in epic proportions.
Imagine being reprimanded by a self-proclaimed supervisor about your performance, being shouted at, scorned at, and tell you how your work sucks while being heard by everyone from the second shift. Imagine being asked to explain why your other colleagues work better while you remained stagnant in your performance. Imagine taking all the blows the supervisor can throw at you, as you wonder why you get all the blame while others were doing the same thing like you.
In those very tense moments, I cannot help but wonder why there are some things not equal in this world.
In such situations, or embarassment, Im sure others would have threatened or prepared to send a resignation letter already. Others would have cried or sobbed on their way out of embarassment; perhaps while walking alone going to the nearest jeepney stop half a kilometer away from your office.
I took them all, and hid all the hurt and pain when I went home alone.
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Because it was my mistake in the first place.
It was triggered by a lapse of judgement this morning. I took a nap without logging off from the system, thus letting 5 callers wait for 15 minutes or so. It was actually a habit I have never gotten rid off since our early months in the new office.
The supervisor said that among the operators under him, I was the one who always let my callers wait for more than 5 minutes on a regular basis.
I admit such shortcomings - most of the time, I was preoccupied by looking at other websites, or answering callers in the other service. I tend to be distracted easily at work, specially when I am left idle for more than 2 minutes without doing anything. Most of the time, the shift from one account to the other distracts my moment.
I could have easily addressed this situation by focusing on one account alone, however the problem is I've been so used to juggling multiple accounts that working only in a single account bores me.
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Honestly, I've become more and more inefficient this past few months.
Perhaps, I have never really gotten over the week long hiatus I had ever since my grandmother passed away. Perhaps too much exposure at G4M completely took my focus off. Other than that, it was the routine - the routine I've been used to, which is the key to my success in gym is also the same thing that destroys my performance in the office.
Because I have taught myself to work in my own pace - and now that things have become intensely more competitive in the office, I remained laid back with my work.
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The experience completely broke whatever pride and confidence I had with myself. Yet, at the same time I took it as a wake up call. Although, what pains me is the way he executed his reprimands (being shouted at and insulted in front of everyone you don't know) , I guess I have no other choice but to take it professionally. After all, despite the hurt and bitterness I felt during the talk, he reached out - whether out of good faith or otherwise to me.
Indeed it was a long lonely humiliating walk going home. For several moments, I even thought of preparing a resignation letter just to get back at him. However one single thought overrided those unproductive thoughts I had on my way home. It finally dawned to me that I could not turn my back on this one without proving to him that he was wrong, that no matter how long it would take I could improve myself out of my own initiative.
Besides, I thought such sudden career move would break my other routines as well. I've realized that if I don't change my attitude towards criticisms and pride, it would never change no matter where I plant myself.
It's not yet my time for me to go.
So here I am writing this crappy blog entry. While licking the wounds of humiliation he inflicted upon me.
And to remind myself of my own little folly.
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