And when I close my eyes, I see myself working in some small but high-paying company somewhere in Makati. One pleasant afternoon, I would go out of the office and see the sun's rays reflected on the stained windows of the skyscraper across the building where Im working. The day was relatively productive, and day by day, I am becoming more of an asset of the company. Ever since I started working with them, I made sure that I am at the forefront of every project they have been involved with.
For I have taught myself to become an achiever; someone who is willing to take all necessary steps just to be ahead of the rat race. And when the end of the month comes, I would be proud to
bring home a bacon, which rivaled those I am getting now from the two companies I am involved with. I would never sleep again fearing the day when we would finally loose the last remaining strings that holds the last empire my father built when he is still alive. This is the dream I've been aiming for since I found my own independence. Somehow, someway I would make sure to achieve it, before the dream, this dream fades to a reality I would never like to happen:
To grow old, realizing that I spent my whole life wading
in such existence I never planned to stay for a lifetime.
---
Would I be nearer to my goals this year? Would I finally hit my target I have been aiming for since the first time I started working for another company? It's been two years and countless attempts already since I began this enterprise. So far, my existence remains in limbo. The work I'm doing right now is almost synonymous with playing. We all know that we never have any concrete future or real growh in what we're doing, we even don't know if some other companies would understand what job we are doing. Almost every month, I've been constantly looking for ways to appraise myself. My mom has even reached the point where she could not take anymore the news about my seasonal jobhunting, which I often do whenever something scares me or I feel that my family's security is already been compromised.
I admit that I have been constantly in search for something, some career that would make me grow and feel like an achiever. But in the past three years, I'm afraid I haven't found my contentment yet.
---
This afternoon, I was again invited to meet someone that could provide me with the job I've been looking for. They were located in Makati, near the exact spot I've been dreaming of working ever since. They offer a much more respectable salary than what I've been earning right now. And most of all, the work they are offering relates more to what I have completed in college. It is about writing and what they are looking for is someone who has the passion to write.
The interviewer asked me about the most favorite topic I wanted to talk about. Obviously it's all about gay stuff. I've been talking about those things ever since this blog has started. But, I could not easily do that. I won't compromise my sexuality this time. So instead, I told him that I'm interested about current events. Being a wikipedia boy and an avid fan of CNN, I'm pretty sure that I would have the edge in writing about subjects that relate to it.
He gave me a test in which he would choose a website and write an article about something he found interesting. A few minutes of browing and then he discovered a news about a market roof that collapsed in Russia. It was a weak story. But nevertheless, he asked me to write a shorter article about it.
---
To tell you honestly, I have been writing ever since. I even guess that no matter how I deny it, writing is my most reliable talent. But this afternoon, it proved to be useless. The article which I wrote during the exams was one of the lousiest one I have written so far. It was very formal, unnatural and worse of all, I wrote it in a situation where my mind is not comfortable to think about the things I would say.
It was too artificial and no matter how the interviewer said it was nice, I think it was the worst. In my long years of journalism, I have never fully realized that writing is all about expressing ones thoughts and feelings about an experience that happened. The reason why I feel so free in my blog is because I can bare my soul on to it and nobody would even care. No one would bother telling me how my grammar sucks or how my style and mood sickens them.
Here, I could express my raw emotions, powerful and undefiled but when I wrote the article this afternoon, it appeared to be written by a robot.
---I'm not hoping anymore that I could pass their screening. But it was the closest one I've got so far in reaching my ultimate goal. Nevertheless, despite the promising salary and growth, taking such new career would simply destroy the world I have used to live in. It would destroy my sleeping habits, my resting habits, my work out routine and most of all, I would once again adjust to new people I may not get along with in the end.
If ever they give me a chance to prove myself, I think I would have a hard time letting go of the things I've been so used to doing for the last several months.
Perhaps, this is not my time yet to move on. Perhaps, there's a better job awaiting for me. I just hope that I could achieve whatever aims I have set for myself this year.
Those aims are the ones driving me to find my own direction even though my final destination remains unclear at this point in time.- From the unpublished blog entry, Taming The Tikbalang,
February 24, 2006
---
After more than a week, the boss in that company sent me an e-mail again. He was asking me if I could write other articles aside from current events - which I can easily do so, since I am relatively flexible with my writing. He also told me the failures of my style - which is too bland or too boring sometimes. I know it because I am my worst critic.
His e-mail proves one thing. He is giving me a chance to redeem myself. In fact, he was asking me to write something else so that he may once again check my style and grammar - a sample from this blog would do the trick.
Pero bakit ganun, ngayong ako'y napakalapit na sa aking inaasam, ngayon ko naiisip ang mga bagay na maaring mawala sa akin, kapalit ang mga bagay na gusto ko nang ikamatay, makamit ko lamang?
Confusion reigns in my heart at this moment. Now that I am quite confident that I could take the new job, I could not easily surrender the one I would be leaving.
The friends I would be leaving
The free time and days I would loose
The security and comfort I am enjoying
The routine I have been used to after seven months.
Ganun pala, achieving one's dream entails a lot of sacrifices.
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