Once There Was An Expedition - Landfall

All the universe conspires to help a person achieve his personal dreams.

- Paolo Coehlo, The Alchemist

His fleet sailed its way to the high seas according to the boy's plan

- Pulsar, Once There Was An Expedition - Invasion Force

---

Sembreak begins and in my thoughts, all I've believed in is that my masteral days are over. I wasn't sad of its conclusion for I know, I gave them a very good fight during the finals. Besides, after weeks of conditioning myself of the possible failure at school and the relative ease of focusing only at work offers, convinced me that perhaps three months is enough experience in the realm of academics. My future in Creative Writing and its possible applications remain uncertain so probably, if I wouldn't make it to the cut-off, someone must be telling me that my sole existence in that university is to just make me feel how it belongs there.

But it was a good fight really. I felt my spirit in everything that I've done - especially in the essays that I have written. After weeks of preparing for Dr. Aureus' notorious final exams, it turns out that the questions were far easier than we have expected. With luck, I might be able to pass his finals with a relatively higher grade.

---

In the three months that I stayed in the university, I zealously followed my earlier philosophy that says, "exploit what you have paid for." To boost my chances of getting into the cut-off, I ensured that I would get a perfect attendance in both my subjects. There were times I would defy a professor's announcement of no-classes and still go to the classroom just to sign up in the attendance sheet prepared by my classmates who have already arrived before the announcement has been made.

---

Since school life doesn't revolve in the classrooms alone, I tried to participate in every school activity the professor mentioned in class. I went to a Latin Choir presentation alone with the encouragement and blessings of my Literary Criticism professor. I also went to a series of poetry reading organized by the CAL students in hopes of becoming acquainted with the other writers in the department.

I even bought a professor's poetry collection in secret in order to familiarize myself with her writing style.

---

No wonder, some of my classmates have this impression that I am a GC student. I know, back in college, my tropa and I would laugh at grade conscious classmates and their desperate attempt to remain on top of the class. But times have changed. I was forced to become a GC, not only to survive but to make the most out of the 3K I have paid for my tuition fee. You see, when you spend your own money for such an endeavor, you try to make sure nothing is wasted. Parents should do the same thing to their children so that those kids would learn the value of money.

---

I remembered writing in one of my entries that what makes me sad about the end of the semester is that I am only beginning to realize that I had a great time in school at the very end of the term. As far as I know, I only started reaching out to most of my classmates in one class after they gave my Riles essay a good feedback. On the other subject, I only reached out to the rest of the class when my best buddy in that subject left for the States.

Things came so fast, and before I knew it, everything was over. To leave a lasting remark to my professors, I kept my personal declaration and gave them a thank-you card for a great semester being with them. I don't know how they felt about it, all I wanted is for them to know that I appreciated their efforts and I've learned from them.

Days will pass and the sembreak would be finally over. I would not mind living the rest of the year like I used to be, before I had been given this opportunity to take the masters. But it appears that fate has other plans for me.

With a combination of a kind and humble attitude, impressive academic performance and an industrious spirit that I showed while gathering information for my essays, not only did they allowed me to make it to the cut-off, the professors gave me a grade at par with what I used to recieve back at UST.

Who would have thought a Tiger can match up with a Marooner.

In the end, I recieved a 1.5 grade in my Creative Non-Fiction and a 2.0 grade in my Literary Criticism. The key for graduate school has been secured.

Next semester, I will be entering the master's proper.

Quotable Lyrics (Season Two)

These are the favorite lines of the songs I often play in my mp3 player lately.

Note that some lines below are dedicated to some people...


Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The Fray - How To Save A Life


Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you

Augustana - Boston


I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

Joseph Arthur - In The Sun


You're a big boy now so let's not talk about growth
You've not heard a single word I have said...

--

It seems I've stepped over lines
You've drawn again and again
But if the ecstacy's in, heroin is definitely out
Dr. Jekyll is wrestling Hyde for my pride

Snow Patrol - How To Be Dead


So come along within
I think it's time to let me in,
I'm tipping my foot very close to the edge,
And just a few more of your seconds,
And I need for me to repair
To neatly stand and spin it around in my head,

Way Out West - Mindcircus


And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep

Pink - Who Knew


To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

Incubus - I Miss You


Dahil ikaw ang sigaw ng puso ko
Ikaw ang nasa isip ko
Ang nais ko ay malaman mo
Na ikaw ang tanging pangarap ng buhay
Pag-ibig ko sa iyo
Ibibigay nais ko ay malaman mo
Na mahal kita

True Faith - Dahil Ikaw


Thou i cant see you
I cant feel you
Im so glad you open my door
When i get near all my fears disappear
And i wont be alone anymore.

Eraserheads - Fill Her


I wonder if you know,
How they live in Tokyo,
If you seen it then you mean it
Then you know you have to go.

Teriyaki Boyz - Tokyo Drift


Your foundation is canyoning
Fault lines should be worn with pride
I hate to say it (but)
You're so much more,
You're so much more
endearing with the sound turned off

Incubus - Talk Shows On Mute

Mama's Boy

When I was just a little boy, we had this little booklet that features the different hotels here in Manila. It was an old tourist handbook, but I still remember it's contents. One afternoon, I told my mom that when I grow up, I will buy her a home which resembles like a 5-star hotel. My mom just smiled and hugged me tight. She told me that I should study well and perhaps, someday, I may live a better life compared to what we have during my childhood days.

---

There used to be a perya near our baranggay. There were a lot of stalls that encouraged people to gamble. One evening, I tried my luck on one of the stalls where people would put bets on a tray where the host would spin the wheel and the lights would revolve around the table passing every tray. If it stops in one of the trays where there is a prize displayed above it, you get the prize. The light stopped on my tray that evening. And my prize was a single cheap plate, which I gave to my mom as a present.

---

During my later elementary years, my ninang, which is my mom's closest sister gave me a hundred bucks as a present for my birthday. She said that I should buy whatever I wanted to buy for myself. Knowing that we have this tradition of gift-giving in the family, I decided to use the money to buy my mom a small stuff toy. It was a stuffed cat with a very long fur. When my mom recieved my gift, she decided not to open the plastic bag that covers it so that the cat would not get dirty.

Years had passed and I still see the stuffed cat with a plasic red heart on its chest.

---

Cycles come and go, I finished high school, entered college and four years later, I have completed it as well. I got my first job in my dad's company and one time, I dated her in a fancy restaurant when she so devastated to confirm that my dad still kept a mistress. It was the first time I treated her with my own money. Then I bought her a wheelchair two years ago after she accidentally slipped in the bathroom which left her a big cut on her head. Last year, I bought her a cellphone - using my credit card because she could not afford one herself. Last night, I treated her in a restaurant, together with her closest sister - my ninang, which I am beginning to see as my second mother these days .

As far as I know, despite my sexual preference, I have been a good child to her. I finished my studies on time, I never shouted back at her nor gave her any serious trouble in the past 24 years, and we treated each other as partners in running the house orderly. My colleagues would not believe that my average phone bill reaches two grands a month. I told them that it's because I serve as the nerve center at home.

I still have so many dreams for my mom. I want to give her all the money she wants so that she could buy all the things she desired, which at present she could not afford. I want her to feel like a real Donya for once, complete with an entourage and all - supported by my own money. I want to bring her honor, pride and security so that for a change, after living a failed and lonely married life. She could have everything for herself.

Because of her, I nurture and cherish my feminine side. Because of my mother, I have learned how to become a man, more than what my father had taught me.

Because of her, I have so many reasons to live, to fight every battles I would face and ensure that I will have a life totally devoted in providing her with security.

And now that she's celebrating her 60th birthday, all I could think of is invading heaven in order to arrange a favorable fate for her. After spending an entire FX trip from work going home, I've realized that all I ever wanted is for her to live a blissful life here on earth.

Humans and Gods

A collegue showed me an extremely disgusting and stomach-constricting image of a person who was run over by a truck somewhere in Metro Manila. In his words, "parang baboy na tinalupan ng balat" is the best description of the dead man. If I would describe the image myself, imagine those fresh beef products being sold in a wet market. The impact and the pressure from the truck's massive tires must have dragged the man's body that it tore apart his legs, limbs, torso and head and left it mangled at the middle of the road.

Think of raw pinkish pork giniling spread at the pavement.

After I have seen the image, I immediately thought of my loved ones. One of my greatest fears is that something tragic and unforgivable such as the one in the picture happens to somebody very close to me. I remembered my mother, my sister and of course Phanks, who crosses truck-infested streets everyday.

Sitting alone on my chair, the image became my wake up call to cease all my aggressive bitchy attitude and return to my normal state of meekness. In silence, I remember why I kept this spiritual stance in life. Yes, all things happen for a reason. Only the Creator could intervene about our fate in life.

I closed my eyes and reflected on the image I have seen. With muted voice, I offered a short prayer for protection and forgiveness of my sins.

... Not in my family, Lord.

Not in this lifetime I beg you.

Please, One Time Lang Ok?

I just need to vent this out:

"I have always thought that bloggers are delusional and vain; writing your thoughts for the world to see, or writing as if talking to the world or to no one in particular in the world (as if they would care), is just a bit peculiar to me. It just never occurred to me that I am just as queer. Wait, that sounded very true."

- from Bunshoy's blog, opening entry

---

Nung una kong nabasa ito, unang sumagi sa isip ko eh. "Bah, ang taray naman." Siyempre, tinamaan ako sa hirit niya kasi naman blogger ako, ibig sabihin pala ay delusional ako at vain kasi gusto kong ipabasa sa iba kung ano man ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. For the longest time among my friends, ako lang ang nanindigan mag-blog tungkol sa aking sarili, at wag ka, no holds barred ako magkwento. Kung hindi lang sa "social responsibility" clause na inimpose ko sa sarili ko simula noong sumikat ako sa Google, pati mga juicy tsismis na alam ko, ipopost ko dito. Fine, I got his point at hinayaan ko na yung mga sinabi niya... tutal, reading some blogs - lalo na sa G4M (which I don't link in my roster), I kinda feel what he meant above.

Nitong hapon, napaisip ako... bakit may mga taong deliberately nag-aadvertise ng mga blog nila sa ibang lugar na hindi naman blog related? Is it because hindi pa sila nakuntento ipangalandakan ang buhay nila sa iba, pati ang mga taong walang pakielam, gusto nila mabasa pati kwentong buhay at opinyon nila sa mundo, even if those people doesn't find it necessary?

I post this entry to remind myself time and again never to reveal my blog in a public domain, especially when it's unnecessary, or if my post would lead into a controversy that would sour relationships between people. Tama nang nakikipag-usap akong parang tanga sa sarili ko (o sa imaginary friends ko kung sino man sila) at hindi ko na kailangan gambalain pa ang iba. I should always remember that not all people are interested to know my story, gaano ko man gusto mag-reach out at mabasa ng maraming bloggers... Those who do so would seek my blog gaano ko man ito itago sa mga tao.

At para sa iyo Bunshoy, naniniwala na ako sa sinabi mo tsong. We write because we need to express ourselves.

Pero tama nang alam lang ito ng mga taong interesado sa buhay buhay natin.

Personality In A Box

trait snapshot:

neat freak, organized, worrying, phobic, fears the unknown, irritable, pessimistic, emotionally sensitive, fears chaos, risk averse, fragile, unadventurous, depressed, frequently second guesses self, likes to fit in, does not like to stand out, perfectionist, hard working, does not like to be alone, clingy, dependent, practical, ordinary, cautious, takes precautions, good at saving money, suspicious, heart over mind, busy,
altruistic

- from similarminds.com

Blue Skies

- Photo taken using Nokia N70

---

If my dad were still alive today, he would have celebrated his 50th birthday. For a time, he used to walk among the stars. Then one evening, everything was taken away from him. For two years after the great raid, he endured a financial struggle that would eventually lead to his downfall. A week after he attempted to rebound from such fall with a fresh source of capital, heaven gave him a surprise reprieve and decided to take him away for good.

Two years after his passing, those of us who were left continues his struggle. Trouble comes left and right, and no matter how we try to go beyond and move away from the struggle, there are things that would always lead us back to where we came from.

But still, life goes on and as long as we see new directions to get away from all those past we would like to forget... we move along.

And the bitterness and hatred we kept in our hearts fades away as well - All the blame we used to throw at him; all the what-if's we used to ask when he is not around; and all his shortcomings to us that I used to list down in order to sustain my long-standing rebellion against him - all forgiven, like the cloudy skies above that gently moves away in order to reveal the blue sky that it hides from us while we were at the cemetery visiting his grave.

All that remained is a sense of peace, and a hope that whatever mistakes we had in the past would be corrected, somewhere along the vastness and uncertainties of tomorrow.

---

When do stars fade their light?

Does the moon and the sun make it right

For you the world maybe

Like an endless storm chasing a mystery

- Hale, Blue Sky

Katas Ng Post Paid

Matapos ang ilang linggong masinsinang pangungulit sa Globe, na-review na rin nila ang account profile ko at bilang "reward" para sa aking walang sawang pagtangkilik sa kanilang mobile service, "niregaluhan" nila ako ng isang "semi-futuristic" na telepono.

Actually, eligible ako para sa N73. Kaso wala pa daw silang stock ng unit na ito kaya kesa mamuti lang ang mata ko kakaintay sa available nilang model, kinuha ko na rin ang alternative offer nila. Not bad, considering na libre lang siya. Ngunit ang downside nito ay dalawang taon muli nila akong slave - ibig sabihin, hindi ako maaring magdown-grade ng account at ang aking major expense - which is my phone bill ay hindi magbabago.

Sa totoo lang, ngayong nasa akin na ang phone, saka ko pa lang nakikita ang disadvantage ng pagkakaroon ng ganitong klaseng unit. Bukod sa mas magiging higit na maingat ako sa public areas (Hindi katulad noon na kahit sa gitna ng Quiapo ay pwede akong tumawag kahit kanino dahil alam kong ibabato lang sakin ng holdaper ang phone ko kapag nalaman niya kung gaano ito kabulok,) ngayon, malingat lang ako ng kaunti ay baka madukutan pa ako. Isa pa sa posible kong maging problema ay baka hindi makaya ng sweldo ko ang pagbabayad sa aking napakalaking monthly phone bill sakaling itapon ako sa kangkungan ng aming Sikyu Agency.

Noong kausap ko yung representative ng Globe, ang unang offer dapat nila sa akin ay rebate na P1300 every month sa aking phone bill. Kung tutuusin, advantageous sa akin ito, lalo na't matakaw ako sa voice call. Isa pa, kung icoconsider ko ang uncertainty ng finances ko, mas appropriate sa akin ang ganitong deal. Ngunit sa isang banda, kung hindi ko tatanggapin ang offer nila para sa bagong phone, knowing my kuripot side, malabong magkaroon ako ng ganito ka high-end na phone sa tanang buhay ko. In the end tinanggap ko na rin siya. For a moment noong nag-uusap kami, marahil nabulag rin ako sa material benefits ng pagkakaroon ng ganitong klaseng phone.

Anyway, since nasa akin na ang phone, ano pa ba ang magagawa ko kundi tanggapin at panindigan ang aking mga desisyon. At least, maari na akong magpaka-shala-shalahan ngayon kahit na sa totoo lang... hindi na ako naglalalabas ng bahay at mukhang basahan ang get-up ko lately.

Finding Love In A Standing Army

Just to remind myself that before there was Brokeback Mountain (which I haven't seen yet after all this time), there is an Israeli movie which speaks of intimate relationships between soldiers: Yossi and Jagger

Yossi (Ohad Knoller) commands a troop of soldiers in the snow-covered mountains near Lebanon. In secrecy, he leads a homosexual relationship with his second-in-command, Lior (Yehuda Levi), who is called Jagger by everyone for his rock star-like handsomeness. As they have little privacy at the post, they have to go on patrol together to get the opportunity for some sex.

One day, a colonel (Sharon Regiano) arrives at the base with two females, one of whom he immediately has sex with in the bunker. The other one, Yaeli (Aya Kohen, credited as Aya Steinovitz), is very interested in Jagger, while she refuses the sexual advances of Ofir (Assi Cohen), who tries to make clear to her that Jagger is not particularly interested in her.

The colonel is there to supervise a nighttime ambush, of which Yossi is resentful because of the full moon, and also because he fears for Jagger's safety. And indeed Jagger is fatally injured that night, dying in the arms of his lover, who only now is able to articulate his love for him.

At the funeral reception at Lior's parents' house, Jagger's mother mistakes Yaeli for his girlfriend. She laments that she knew very little about her son, including his favorite song, which Yossi is able to tell her. - From Wikipedia.

Memories Of Sleeplessness (Episode Two)

Exactly one year ago, tatawag ang boss ko sa akin para humingi ng resbak sa gabi. Wala pa kasi kaming trenta noon na operator kaya pag nagkukulang sila sa night shift, lalo na sa isang account na hawak namin, hinihiram nila ako sa umaga.

Tanda ko pa, parang laro lang ang trabaho noon. Yosi dito pag walang magawa, download ng mp3 doon kapag konti ang mga ka-chat mo sa system. Pero iba na ngayon, ang 30 ay naging 50, hanggang ang 50 ay naging isandaan. Meron na nga kaming HR department at QA eh. Sinong mag-aakala na lalaki kami ng ganito.

Parang kay bilis lang ng lahat.

Marami na rin ang nawala at lumipat ng trabaho, pero marami pa rin ang nag-stay at eventually naging regular ops sapagkat kahit nasa adjustment pa rin ang benefits namin, dumarami naman ang account na pumapasok sa kumpanya.

At gaya ng dati, higit na mas marami ulit ang vacant seats sa floor kaya natawagan muli ako upang rumesbak sa mga accounts. Kaya heto, for old time's sake... Nagtratrabaho muli ako ng gabi.

Kinailangan ulit nila ng filler operator para sa isang account.

Let's Take The Slow Drive, Baby

Ray Charles, Julie London, John Lennon, Louis Armstrong - these are just some of the music artists that caught my attention lately. As months pass by (after replacing clubbing with a simple chillout session at home during my day-off nights), it seems that my affinity towards oldies and jazz music keeps getting stronger. Lately, my play list contains more songs from those genres compared to some years ago, when traditional alternative and electronica music dominated my playlist. Ewan ko ba, whenever I hear such slow smooth melodies, accompanied by instruments such as piano, guitar, some drums and sublime sad vocals, it's so easy to close my eyes and imagine an older time when things were simpler and slower compared to our present fast-paced time.

However, I am getting very sleepy na after playing oldies songs such as Que Sera Sera, Bridge Over Troubled Water, Ave Maria and Unchained Melody in a dark, quiet room at 2 in the morning. It makes someone's mind so lethargic* that focused thoughts would actually break apart and float around, like clusters of pluffy clouds high above a blue sky. Perhaps when I wake up tomorrow and get the time to blog, I would continue this entry, and yes, talk some more about my newfound music interests.

Rite Of Passage

Habang ang buong shift ay nasa gitna ng isang malaking pagsasalo para sa kaarawan ng isang katrabaho, pasuray-suray akong lumapit sa kinauupuan ni Mami Athena upang maupo sa bakanteng silya sa likod nito. At habang pinagmamasdan ang mga tao sa paligid naming dalawa dahan-dahan kong inangat ang kanyang monoblock upang ito ay magtilt papalapit sa akin. Dala ng tama ng alak, inangat ko ang aking mga braso upang ipulupot sa kanyang leeg at balikat. Kasabay nito ang pagsandal ng aking ulo sa kanyang likuran.

Kahit may tama ako ng mga oras na iyon, alam kong ang mga mata ay nakatingin sa aming dalawa. Obvious naman na close kami sa isa't isa, ngunit sa mga taong hindi nakakaalam, marahil titingnan nilang kakaiba ang aming pinagsamahan - sa lahat kasi ng lalaki sa opisina bukod sa mga effem, ako lang ang nakakayakap sa kanya ng ganun na hindi niya binibigyan ng malisya.

"I-aaout kita bebe ha, para hindi ka nila tayo tingnan ng kakaiba."

Nangyari ang dapat mangyari ng hindi ako pumalag o nagprotesta. Nang gabing iyon, lumabas ang totoong pagkatao ko sa aking mga ka-opisina. Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang nakarinig, o ilan ang totoong pumansin. Sabagay simula noon, andami ko ng binibigay na hints sa kanila - ang pagbubukas ko ng G4M kahit may trabaho, ang aking closeness sa mga effem na ka-shift ko, ang unti-unti kong pag-oout sa mga taong hindi ko naman ganun ka-close. Kumbaga, official lang ang nangyaring deklarasyon kagabi.

At ang weird sa lahat ng iyon, ni ka-titing ay hindi ako naapektuhan ng pag-oout ni Mami sa akin. Naging daan pa nga iyon upang mas maging malaya ako sa opisina. Basta ba wala akong sinasagasaang ka-trabaho, hindi ko na dapat alamin kung ano ang sinasabi sa akin ng mga tao sa aking likuran. Sa isang banda, maaring maapektuhan ng dalang stigma ang aking pakikisama sa mga straight kong ka-trabaho, lalo pa't medyo negatibo ang tingin ng ilan sa isang kasama kong effem. Makikita ko na lang iyon sa mga susunod na inuman.

Ang mahalaga, wala na akong itinatago. Siguro naman tapos na ang spekulasyon nila tungkol sa pagkatao ko.

Higit sa lahat, maaring ang panimulang ito ang maging daan upang opisyal na i-out ko rin ang aking sarili at ka-relasyon sa aking pamilya balang araw - kahit ilang linggo lang ang nakakaraan, nagparinig ang aking nanay na "tanggap niya ako kahit ano pa ako."

Sa totoo, pagod na rin ako sa pagtatago ng relasyon ko kay Phanks. Matagal tagal na rin akong namumuhay ng ganito.

Iconic

Art Farm an animation company in the country is doing something better. They doin an animated feature of Combatron which will air on channel 7. hopefully will finish in 8 months!Thanks for your support. Im starting my comics na but at my own pace.

- Berlin Manalaysay, Reply to Dear Combatron

---

And I thought I am one of the few ones left who still keep Combatron's memory in their hearts. Everyday, the referrer tracker would show that many internet users who stumble upon my blog actually looks for information about Berlin Manalaysay and his graphic artwork. It seems like an entire generation actually followed the comic strip during its time.

A collegue told me sometime ago that he still keeps his entire collection of Funny Komiks with him. He said he have stacks and stacks of it organized in a big carton box. I would like to believe his story, if I could see a single issue with my own eyes. Nevertheless I really doubt how many people have actually collected the strip after all this time.

In utmost recognition and heartfelt appreciation for Manalaysay's public appearance on my blog, which I honestly suspect to be purely accidental, I would like to dedicate this entry and the issue included on top to the long enduring memory of Combatron in my psyche. There are others like me who still remembers. I hope that with Combatron's revival in the local anime age, new generation of kids would once again be entertained and inspired by Manalaysay's iconic work.

Indeed, traditions are really hard to break.

Face Of The Evil Empire

"I would like to proudly announce to the whole world that the great DPRK nation holds Earth hostage. Now that we declare ourselves a nuclear power, it would be wise that you heed our demands or else, we shall send our powerful missiles to your lovely cities and send our army to conquer your pathetic country.

All for the glory of Dear Leader!!"

Ave

Ave Deo! Morituri te salutant*

---

The scene at the church reminds me of the movie, Gladiator. Before I went to school to attend the last meeting for both my two subjects, I decided to stop by Santa Clara to offer a prayer of thanks for a very meaningful and worthwhile semester.

As I kneeled in one of the pews facing the huge altar and offered my incantation, I felt like I am a soldier going to a battle. Today is our final exam in one of the subjects that I dreaded most. My heart is filled with so much terror that despite doing some preparations for the exams, I also entertained the possibilities of not making it to the cut off. However, I did not let such thought go into my head since it might just influence me to surrender everything. As I uttered my prayers, what I told God is that no matter how uncertain things are, the fact that I enjoyed the experience is all that's important.

Besides, there are more pressing concerns where I would need His aid.

---

I remembered a quote from a book that says "achieving one's dream is like an escape from gravity, the closer you reach your aim, the pull to the ground becomes greater." This morning, the sikyu agency called my mother to inform her that they are facing some financial shortages today. They need extra money for the salary of the guards amounting to my entire savings.

Since we don't know a lender who is willing to offer credit to the company, my mom just said that she would try looking for other ways to find money as a show of concerned gesture.

Moments like the one above brings me back to a time when cash shortages happens daily to my dad's publication company. I have already forgotten how much of my personal money was absorbed just to finance the needs for a day of its operation. Believe me, when you are out there being pressured to look for a fresh source of cash, you will most likely end up in the future being absurdly stingy when managing your personal finances.

That is why I rarely show off to people or spend my money for something unecessary. I know how hard it is to be penniless and miserable.

---

Phanks sent an emergency SMS message while I was in class. He told me that he was almost stabbed by a colleague who appears to be jealous of me.

I have my speculations and analysis of the situation... I could even assume a possible reason as to why such pathetic thing happened between them. For a time, my paranoid thoughts harbored some ill feelings towards Phanks and the guy. However, I just reasoned myself that I shouldn't react too harshly since I don't know the exact details as of the moment.

Besides, I would need to consult Papu as to what path to follow. I can sense that he faced the same situation before and I believe that his wisdom could effortlessly get me through.

For now, I would leave my standing army in their barracks.

---

These two great stand-offs could have surely distracted me as I centered my thoughts in the upcoming finals this afternoon. If Phanks was stabbed by his colleague, I would have to decide whether to be on his side or endure a very painful examination, with my thoughts focused on his condition. Fortunately for both of us, God is great. Maybe my prayers for his safety before I went to school saved his life.

I do not know what happened to the sikyu agency. Probably they had eventually resolved their cash problems that is why my mother did not inform me of the progressing situation while I'm at school. Seriously, If I am a person who easily capitulates to such trials, I would have surrendered the exam at the very last minute and let the entire graduate school project hang-on without having a reasonable closure.

But I told myself as I puffed a menthol cigarette downstairs after my first class that I must hold on to my dreams. The masterals, despite its uncertainty remains a cornerstone of my existence. It is my self-proclaimed jihad in life and if trials would simply fuck things up completely, what else could I prove to myself when the bigger troubles arrive.

Self-destruction would have its own time. But now that I'm dying to establish some order in myself, I'd rather face challenges to the death than let these troubles consume me like a helpless lamb.

---

The exams went remarkably well, but it doesn't assure me of any survival. There remains two more essays to submit in the other subject and the finacial status of the sikyu agency remains uncertain. I haven't talked to Phanks yet regarding the incident this afternoon, and I am not planning to confront him either out of inviting a bigger chaos that may be prevented. Therefore, the things that might break me apart remains at the borders of my sanity.

But back there at the church, when I almost certainly feel that a part of me will die. I could almost salute God in front of the altar, and promise a command performance in battle...

So that even in the face of death, I know, I fought well.




* Hail, Father! Those who are about to die salute you.

Doctor Strangelove

What if Seoul would be nuclear bombed tomorrow? How would I be affected by it?

The citizens of the North Korean nation salutes our heroic leaders in making this great leap in achievement in defeating the international band of imperialists led by the chief imperialist George Bush. We salute our Dear Leader who continues the legacy of our Great Leader in building our proud nation into a bastion of socialist paradise. The field of scientific research in the DPRK successfully conducted an underground nuclear test under secure conditions on October 9, 2006, at a stirring time when all the people of the country are making a great leap forward in the building of a great, prosperous, powerful socialist nation. It has been confirmed that there was no such danger as radioactive emission in the course of the nuclear test as it was carried out under scientific consideration and careful calculation.

The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a
historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defense capability. It will contribute to defending the peace and stability on the Korean Peninsula and in the area around it.

After weeks of speculation, North Korea has detonated its first nuclear bomb. Would Iran follow next? How would other countries react to this possible domino effect?

--

And in my vision, I saw a million cries in a large city somewhere in the east. Pool of blood in the streets, destroyed structures, red sky and black earth. These are what is to come if the great nations of the free would not stop them now, it might be too late in the future

- Guru Shankar.

Because the prime objective of war is peace

- Sun Tzu

Fleet Mobilization At Sector 59

I have already finished two of the three essays I have to submit before the semester ends. They are already secured in my e-mail account so that if anything happens to my beloved computer, I could access them anytime I decide to print them.

Before the semester ends, I would like to give a little token of appreciation to my professors to whom I have learned so much in so little time. Who would have thought that after three months of doing a balancing act - school, work, family, I would end up more attached to these mentors that doesn't actually resemble the professors I have encountered back in "the home of the mighty mighty tigers." They have their own culture and quirks but nevertheless they are human - which is contrary to what my sister told me before.

Just two more meetings and everything is finally over. I am planning to make a huge heartwarming impact to these wonderful people before the end day comes so that at least, they would remember me.

Honestly, there is a chance that I might never see them again next semester. I am afraid that my grades would not be enough to make it to the cut-off set by the program.

Kiddo (Extended Midlife Crisis Version)

After exchanging private messages with my cyber "son" in G4M for several months, he suddenly sent me a text message last night. The text message was brief and full of kiddie talk. (aq, poh, bk8 etc.) But it was fun really, I swear. One of these days I'd treat him out so that I could get to know more about my adopted kid. I might even ask Roy to keep us company, now that I'm planning to introduce him as my kid's ninang.

Me: ...Hehe minsan pakilala ko sau ang anak anakan ko. Ikaw ang ninang ha!

Roy: Sige ate, para naman maformalize na ang pagiging magkumare natin.

I remembered doing the same thing last year after I introduced Gerumatori to him and Pilip. But instead, they accused me of being a pedophile and warned me about my actions. However, my intentions were true and uncorrupted. For several months Gerumatori called me "Mama Sara," especially after I introduced him to Phanks, who was quite suspicious after the introduction.

If ever there comes a time I would introduce my cyber-kid to Phanks, would he ever accept the role of being the mother... or just even tita to my "son?"

What would my cyber son call him, since as far as I know, he has several cyber "moms" in that website?

I'm not sure... however, I wish.

---

Him: Tol may aaminin ako sayo. Huwag na huwag mo itong ipagsasabi kahit kanino ha?

Me: Ano yun men?

Him: Napansin mo yung binatilyong dumaan? Pinapaaral ko yun tol. Kaklase kasi ng kapatid ko. Eh kaso mo, laging kapos sa pera kaya nagpasiya na akong paaralin na lang.

Him: Kawawa naman kasi eh. Kaya naman ng budget ko, isa pa, it feels good na may natulungan akong tao na magbabago ang buhay dahil sa akin.

And to think he used to be a Class-A jerk in our class.

The truth is, I wouldn't have suspected that he is up to something if he did not confide to me his great deed. He said, he is simply doing it to help somebody. In return, the kiddo cleans his car every week so that it wouldn't appear that he is a freeloader.

His decision to support somebody he doesn't know, and then keeping such selfless act a low profile reminds me of the late FPJ. Da King once sent a truck full of relief goods to a disaster area without his name or marks that would point to him written on the goods.

Anyway, my friend's graciousness to others completely changed my impression about him. Maybe I'm right when I decided to renew my bonds with my college tropa last January, now that I feel that they have become more mature and responsible with their outlook in life. I guess, it would do me good to hang-out with them more often now that I am beginning to ask myself whether I could still feel the vibe living a homosexual lifestyle.

Nevertheless, girls still bore me - especially those who are loud, shallow and very much immature. If ever, I would never get the chance to breed with an opposite sex in this lifetime - whether it be a desperate bright hag, a very naughty girl tripper, or a hot lesbian who decides to have a kid of her own, I swear, I would go to some war-torn or poverty stricken province and find a couple or orphanage who is willing to let me adopt a boy from their institution.

I'm turning twenty five two months from now. Apart from thinking about my career, the issue of continuity and genetic reprinting is emerging from my dormant heterosexual thoughts.

Seriously, I am beginning to contemplate about how could I possibly grow old, without being alone and miserable in life.

Memories Of Sleeplessness (Episode One)

Over a year ago, I would find myself lying on bed as my eyes were glued on television watching some funny cartoons in Nickolodeon. It’s past 3 am and in a couple of hours, feedback from the night operations of my dad’s company would be reported to me through SMS. Often, such reports bring dreaded news. Usually, it tells about how much income deficit we would have for the following day, or how much newsprint spoilage occurred during the printing phase during the night. Only in very rare occasions would they tell of good news such as dealers getting more copies of the newspaper, or some agents paying a bigger amount of money for past dues to the company.

The usual news not only brings terror in my heart, but also massive problems in my mind. Because during the rest of the following day, our major challenge would be how to sustain the operations of the company, while constantly telling the workers to continue holding on despite the loosing war obviously happening in our midst. The company was running without capital or emergency funds to support us during days we don’t have much income. There were too many things to think about and in many cases the only viable option for me is to sleep through it all.

If it was possible…

The quiet night was my only respite during those turbulent months. The dark comedies being shown in Invader Zim or Ren and Stimpy Show were my only diversions in a period, where I was suddenly thrown unprepared in a battle where my mind and heart could not simply cope up with the demands of running a dying business.

In just six months, everything was over. One night, doom spelled the entire operations after we have realized that we were too stretched to our limits. The suppliers would not lend us assistance anymore and we can’t find a creditor we could run to borrow extra cash. Two days after, a new leadership rose to face the challenge. He used to be my father’s comrade who took advantage of the situation and presented himself as the ultimate savior of the company. I wasn’t a part of the new management though, for I have already declared my freedom. Eventually I managed to pick up myself to start a new life working for someone else. Another couple of months and the insomnia nights were over.

At the same time, the company, which used to be my dominion during the last months of its existence declared itself bankrupt as well. In less than four years after my father started the enterprise, the whole thing was forgotten completely – in the minds of its former readers, and in the hearts of those who painstakingly tried to keep it afloat, at their own expense.

However, in some very rare nights like tonight, when the silence of my surroundings is the only thing that I could hear, the memories that I tried to forget all these years briefly emerge, perhaps to remind myself that such future may happen again.

Maybe, to enforce upon me that the pain still remain even if everybody – even the creditors who used to hound me for my father’s dues have completely moved on already and resumed their busy lives.

Too bad however, while others have moved on, a part of me still remains, sulking because of such bitter loss.

Treuga Dei (Truce Of God)

I am standing close to the edge of a rocky cliff. From a distance, the full view of a setting sun radiates on my weary face. Above me is the sky whose colors has turned from orange-blue to deep purple-indigo. The clouds were all gone and the stars, whose tiny lights are beginning to shine calms my fiery heart.

---

The brief incursions my shock troops did somewhere across the borders of my sanity, did not push through. It was a close call, but at the end, reason prevailed. I realized that despite the doubts and unopposed hatred clouding my thoughts, such actions would only lead to unforseen complications which I really don't like to happen. After all, I don't have any clear evidence that he is playing around. All I have are speculations and possible white lies from him. And although he often tells me about the guys who often hang-outs (and flirts) with him, I think I have his assurance that he remains loyal and committed to our long enduring relationship.

Last night, it was his turn to seek a place to stay. Since my home remains an open house to those people close to me, his request was immediately granted. The whole night, we renewed our bonds - which was shattered since last saturday. I woke up snuggling on his chest while his arms were wrapped around me. Such moments like those remind me how good it is to have a lover.

Surprisingly, I guess that after all these years of exploring, I am finally beginning to enter an age where stability and foundation rises to prominence. I know some guys who are just starting to find a big wild world out there. But coming from such uncertain place so long ago, I think that a big part of me is already tired of living such uncertain life. I am in peace now and I may not be able to turn my back anymore from the little order and familiarity I am getting from having a consistent emotional interest these past several years.

It's enough that I have demonstrated the capabilities of my standing army, without even striking a direct target. Whether I may use such defense mechanism someday is still subject to debate. What matters is that everything is normal once again. Finally, after the passing of a storm outside and inside my heart,

I can have my peaceful life back.

---

Beyond is the endless calm sea shimmering in its splendor... and like a beacon of hope, the rays of the setting sun reminds me that after the heavy burdens of today, there is a promising sunrise of tomorrow, hidden behind the imposing mountain range at my back.

Pajama Partee

The maid must be wondering why there's another guy who slept at home last night.

Because ever since she became part of the household, the only guy who she knows to sleep in my room is Phanks. However, since a big part of the Metro is still without electricty yesterday, I had to offer my place as an evacuation site for those without power nor water.

He knows that we have both utilities. And yesterday afternoon, he asked me if he could come over for a sleep over since power hasn't been restored yet in his place.

---

When we met last Saturday, I encouraged him to befriend a rich guy so that the next time we experience such metro-wide blackout, he could live comfortably in somebody else's abode.

He has the body, the charisma and the looks. Such advantage would get him into the poshiest homes I could only imagine. But he said he feels lazy going to somebody else's place. I interpreted it as he's not comfortable sleeping beside people he doesn't know very well.

---

The sleep over went well. He spent his time checking out the G4M website and his army of boylets, while I lulled myself to sleep watching some serious shows on TV. Like Phanks, he turns the light off when he sleeps. He doesn't sleep with pillows, so my three pillows are at my disposal.

He left early this morning without having a breakfast. He said, his work is so far that if he leaves much later, he might get late. As a gesture of good hostmanship, I accompanied him to the FX terminal several blocks from my place. I told him that instead of waiting for a transpo in the main street, those parked in the terminal take shortcuts going to Edsa.

---

Among all places he could stay for the night, a part of me keeps wondering why he chooses mine instead of others. He could have arranged for a stay over with someone who lives in Makati or Ortigas; who has an AC in his room, a working shower in his bathroom or a good view of the city outside his windows.

I could make all the speculation if I want. But I guess, if there is an unspoken reason for his decision, maybe it's because of the very old ties that bind us together. The guy who slept over was Roy and for the last four years, he would occassionally do so, without having any second thoughts.

In a time when friendships are tested around me. It's nice to know that he trust me more than all the guys he's acquainted or got intimate with. The sleep over might just be a special case, but such demonstration only shows that our friendship doesn't just revolve around homos and boylets. We may spend all our time talking about perverted stuff, but when it comes to real distress calls like what happened yesterday,

one will always be around to respond to the call of the other

Confidential Letter

General:

As of this afternoon, the shock troops from your fourth regiment had positioned themselves very close to the border. Upon your orders, they are prepared to conduct incursion raids against allied territory without their supreme leader ever finding out that it was us who conducted such attack. However, the weather seems to be against our favor. Not only it thwarted our tacticians plan of raid, it also left our war machine in complete disarray. It seems that for some reasons, it would be a folly to cross the border especially now that some of our ministers think that such incursion would be a disaster. Our army appears to be low on morale as well and casualties might get out of hand once we push thru with our attack.

The planned incursion has been called off. But I assure you that the war is not over yet. Until the Phanksmaster declares peace, we shall remain close to the borders, ready for such raid if time would allow us.

There would never be Emancipation Acts this time. The raids would only remind us that, no matter how down our spirits are, we are still capable of striking back and striking hard anytime we want. The justification might be distorted and unacceptable to others, but as long as the raid serves as a buffer between our capital and their growing influence, then we shall go on... protecting what must be protected - never looking back at the damage that we might possible do along the way.

For the Jomanian Empire,

Agent Sky Blue

Tears Of October

And like what I told myself a thousand times over... I won't cry, I won't feel pain. The moment the hurt tumbles down directly hitting my heart; The moment an air of doubt and the scent of lies is picked up by my nerve endings, I would just call on my standing army and do whatever is necessary to protect my emotions. Yes, I have been preparing for this moment since I learned to strike back.

I have become numb already.