SO

Perhaps, it is his beaming smile consoling me after we got into our little fights, or his simple views in life that keeps me attached to him. Probably it is in the way he remembers to send me sweet nothings, when my thoughts are focused elsewhere. Maybe it is in the contrast of our personality - he, being more extrovert towards the people around him and I, being more reserved and exclusive, even in the most familiar of crowds around me. We don't talk that much about our lives, but our connection is always open throughout the day. We don't share the music we play on the mp3 player, yet the TV channels we watched together could keep us in bed the entire day. On the sides, we are both loners. He may have a lot of people around him, but he never considers anyone his confidants - except me perhaps. I, on the other hand keeps all the trivial matters away from him, except the subtle things that would make us strong perhaps. He knows what weakens me and what keeps me strong, even if he is not aware of it. He loves singing pop songs in a karaoke bar while I cringe when hearing his music and wishes to be some place else when beside him at the same bar. He loves hanging out in the malls for hours, while the mere presence of bargains keeps me away from boutiques because of the material temptations it brings. If we have something we agree about, it's our common cable channel - Discovery Channel and National Geographic. We could stay all day in bed doing our "intimate" sports while the TV is tuned in to those channels. He would say "I love you" when I least expected it, and often in contrast, ignore me completely when I desperately needed his attention most. But it's alright, I am beginning to understand his way of thinking - that he doesn't entertain distractions the way I would like to be distracted all the time. I may have hidden resentment towards him, but his acts of sweetness and his initiative to make up first the moment his anger cools down prevents me from gravitating towards complete hatredness. I think our relationship is relatively odd compared to others, but it is that oddness that keeps us together. It may not be based on conversations or openness but because of the deep, unspoken ties that bind us together. Things still work out - and will still work out as long as he would not call the first shots of separation. You see, I never run away from relationships. My guilt and conscience would not let me do so. I am tested for patience and understanding. For reasons only known to him, he provides me with enough space to enjoy my own identity. Despite his complains about my dominion most of the time, still he acknowledges my intervention over his personal affairs. After all, I end up being the problem solver when things fuck up. He may not be my ideal partner at the beginning. But with time and familiarity, I learned how to accept him the was he is and the way he will be. After all, we are involved in each other lives in one way or the other, that eventually such involvement lead to an understanding that beneath our own individual lives, we have always been tied as one.

Naughtyness aside, I don't really see myself with someone else nor I think that somebody could control me for a long period time the way he does. Many singles look for the perfect partner. For me, he may not be perfect but he made me a satellite.

All that I'm saying is that despite the transgressions, I know in my heart that nobody can ever take his place, especially now that he seems to understand what freedom means to me. As long as he remains a part of my family - with my mother and sister barely tolerating his weekly presence, then all will be well. I once asked him what if one day, my mother will confront me about my relationship with him. He replied, "handa akong panindigan ka. Sana matanggap nila ako."

His answer was firm and full of conviction. I never expected him answering so straight, considering that his sexuality issues are more serious compared to mine. One day, I would eventually reveal myself to everyone so long as he would be by my side. I wouldn't be ashamed taking a submissive or dominant personality as long as it is the role that he needed.

Troubles and trials are just around the corner and I know, it will strike us when we are not looking. In the end, I believe that the constant affirmation of feelings for one another would keep us intact. In times of imminent surrender, these are the things that I always remember: It is very hard to build a relationship and it is even harder to maintain one. Starting over may be compared to a demolition of a tall skyscraper then building a new tower again over the pile of rubble from the one that was deliberately destroyed. Lastly, uncertainty lies in singlehood. I could not afford to return to uncertainty now that I am slowly beginning to build a dream not only for me but for my significant other.