Mindset Of The Masculines

And the truth is, every PLU desires to find the masculine person he constantly seeks in himself. - Anonimus

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If others find their perfect cruising spot in theaters and bathhouses, and others get their prize in a gym steam room or in social parties, my cruising spot has always been the chatrooms and the dance floor.

Looking back, I never had any encounters that I met in public. One reason that I can think of is that, I might be too ugly for their taste. However, if I would base my record so far, most of my "rivals" were of high quality - sometimes even higher than my own modest standard - which is someone lean, masculine, rugged-looking and koboy in public. Guys who exhibit even just a slight sign of vanity particularly with how they look or effeminacy or weakness in character, almost always turn me off.

Of course, this is with regards to my hook-up preference. Friendship, is of a very different and sacred matter. Those people who know me understands this fact.

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Going back to my own preference, I find it very strange that I appealed more to effems (in a stranger-to-stranger setting) rather than to masculines, despite my obvious attempts to reach out... (and flirt around sometimes with them.) I had many complains to my friends in G4M of how I have always been mistaken as a "top," when in fact, I have always promoted myself as "versa," despite my strong inclinations of becoming a "bottom" to a more dominant partner - in case a scenario will force me to "outsource my frustrations elsewhere" rather than it become a conflict within the "homecourt domain."

On the other hand, whenever I get into close friendly contacts with masculines, especially the barako ones, there's always this immediate connection that puts me one notch higher above the typical "just-another boy status." It's like, since we think in the same manner, better keep him as a friend for we understand each others mindset - an assumption which I am still in the process of verifying after years of ceaseless observation. However, for many years that I've been encountering guys that are more masculine than me, this has always been the outcome.

Is it because unlike most PLUs, I've been into the heart of a homophobic circle of straight friends who valued male chauvinism above everything else? Perhaps I could trace the reasons to the fact that I've never really been close to many girls - unless those girls act more koboy or very eccentric soloflighter compared to their conservative, all-girl group counterparts.

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Observing on the way I think (and act), I've been more interested in cars, alternative bands, female singers who appealed more to lesbians and feminist groups, long interesting strolls under the sun, inuman with barako people and getting very wasted afterwards, rather than involve myself in mainstream PLU activites. I've been against conformity - to the extent that straight people have commented that I never fitted into the homo stereotype.

And no matter how I out myself, particularly in the office, I really don't feel that it made me closer to everyone. In fact, the closest people to me right now is an effeminate gay who never fails to give me insights on how do a "stereotype parlorista gay" appealed to the masses, a very liberal mother-colleague, who also holds a management position, who I consider the closest thing to having a hag, a semi-butch lesbian who learns more from people like us than from people like her, and lastly a bunch of straight boys, who doesn't mind whether I mingle with them despite my sexual orientation. Believe me, I've been in PLU circles for so long, such possibilities of forging bonds with non PLU people never crossed my mind.

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The reason for this epiphany is to remind myself of where I am and where I'm heading. Unlike others who still label themselves decievingly from what they really are, I think I have reached the point where I am beginning to understand that labels are simply for convenience and what really matters is how you think, and how you present yourself to other people. Of course there will always be labels - and these labels will evolve until the word gay or queer becomes acceptable even to the most closeted of the non-straights.

This afternoon, I challenged myself whether my own understanding of how others see me, still corresponds to how I see myself as a masculine homosexual. I told the chatter, who, from the way he communicated and "transacted" his business with me appears to be the kind of PLU that fit my idea of a masculine. You see, when you're exposed long enough into the lifestyle, labels won't matter to you anymore. It is how the way they think and see things that allows you to gauge on what spectrum where the person belongs to.

So we met before he went to his gym. After all, his place is just several blocks away from where I live. And you know what happened?

I met a guy who's several inches taller than me. He looks like a basketball player whose features describe him more as a working, overstressed yuppie dad. His facial expressions shows the mark that he's a "guy who digs in other guys, " without the labels and garnishes thats typical with most PLU to PLU interactions. And his hormonal dominance, despite my own gesture of "defensive apathy," still shook my nerves in many ways I never expected. Call it kilig or sheer excitement of meeting someone your match. The only thing that prevented me from freaking out was the mindset that tells me to "treat the guy like a typical straight person and let him do the talking until it leads to something else."

He perfectly fits into my ideal, like what Euphoria Boy was, during our brief stint in Edsa Plaza... many years ago.

Nothing happened between us, despite the "show of force" when we met. I left the venue feeling relieved, telling myself over and over...

"Di ka man cute o malakas ang dating. Daanin mo sa paastigan, papansinin ka pa rin."