The Kabuki Showdown (Part Two)

The party was just heating up yet phanks is already in his climax. He was dancing wildly at one side of the dance floor. In my opinion his grooves was so outrageous (and jologs) that there came a point that I have to distrupt his dancing because he was already close to doing a trance.

Of course he got irritated when I stopped him. He said he was just having fun and wanted to express it through dancing. But since he won't listen to my explanation, I just let him start over again in hopes that he would achieve a trance state when the party is on its climax.

Since I was with my buddy that night, I was already expecting that I would take the role of the supressor. That means I could not dance like I do when I'm alone since I would be looking after my buddy all the time.

You see, the last time I did show my grooves in front of a lover was during my ex's time. We went to Mint that night. And behind my back, he attempted to flirt with some other guys in that bar. It ended in a bitter showdown with buff guys at Orosa that morning. Ever since that incident, I just contented myself by dancing a little while looking after my buddy and those who are interested in becoming his dance partner.

That night, an effeminate guy got interested in Phanks. Since I was dancing at the back then, I simply moved closer to my buddy to show our status to the guy. However, my sudden moves irritated Phanks. He was complaining that I kept on doing a PDA in front of all gay people around us, which really made him uncomfortable.

That's where it all started. In my mind, I simply didn't understand his reasons why we shouldn't show that were lovers when in fact, everyone around us shares the same preference that we have. To my disappointment, I even told XP:

"nagdala pa ako ng buddy eh hindi ko rin naman makakasama... sana pala nagsolo na lang ulit ako gaya ng dati"

XP just patiently listened.

By this time Phanks got me more infuriated. Every time I attempted to get close to him, he would immediately brush me off and tell me that he's cool. The last time he did it to me, I simply backed off behind my friends who were with us.

However when I saw him dancing closely with Sonny, that when things really blew me off. Don't get me wrong though, I wasn't jealous towards them. What really made me loose my temper was the fact that I can't get close to my bud while others can simply dance with him as if they were partners since they are my friends.

I viewed everything as adding insult to the frustrations I've been harboring the entire evening.

Immediately he felt my bitter reactions so he went towards me to dampen my raging emotions. However, the upset already took over my mood especially when I saw too lovers dancing romantically in front of us. No matter how good the music was, the following events lead to total loss of interest to party on my part.

These reactions were also immediately picked up by my buddy. When he noticed that my mood did not change, it began to affect him as well. Soon, his mood turned sour too. In the end, we just stood up at the corner while being cold to one another.

Our friends tried their best to console us both. But Phanks was more unforgiving, he continued to ignore me. I was not in the mood as well so after the mini-halloween costume fashion show, I asked phanks if we could already go home.

It took several tries before he agreed to my request. Immediately, we left Malate without even uttering a single word. Inside the cab, we were extremely cold to one another.

My rage has subsided by the time we arrived home, but his coldness still lingered on even when we're both getting ready to sleep.

-tobecontinued-

The Kabuki Showdown (Part One)

"Una ako sayo, andyan pa ang mga officemates ko..."

---

The beginning of the night itself was a tragedy already. It seems like the more I acknowledged my homosexual tendencies because of him, the more he pushes himself inside the closet. The first signs of our meet-up that evening proved to be a bad omen already. But despite that disappointing start-up, I tried to do my best to reverse the sour mood that was building up prior to the party.

We dined at an eatery in front of the Karaoke Bar formerly known as Lafang. Our dinner date was quite pleasant despite the fact that we don't talk that much as we ate our meal. After our brief dinner. I asked my buddy to accompany me inside the Orosa Courtyard to personally see the makeover they did at BED and New York Cafe.

It seems like BED, and the rest of its surroundings was transformed into a fabulous fusioned party place which is now called the Rainbow Project. Of course, we all know that this makeover is a direct response to Club Government's rising popularity lately.

Anyway, back at Nakpil, Phanks asked me to chill out at Lafang since he loves singing in a Karaoke bar very much. Being a good buddy, I just listened and listened to him sing as I drown myself in bottles of beer.

By past 11, he was done singing. We immediately proceeded at Orosa to join the growing crowd of gays gathering at the central tent.

Being a party guy myself. Experience tells me that its proper to wait for groups of people to gather first on the dance floor before one begins to dance. I'm not really sure how to explain it, but along the lines of clubbing, there's an unspoken etiquette that tells everyone to wait for the Dj's climax first before you show your skills in making your grooves.

My buddy is not aware of that... and from the very start of the party, he was already getting hyper even though the DJ was still "heating up" the floor. I told him this etiquette several times but he simply brushes them off, while on every corner other guys began checking him out.

At that moment. I know that I have to be more watchful of my buddy's moves. In fact, I was already showing signs of aggression just to prove to some guy who would dare to approach Phanks that he is my buddy.

That's how possessive I am.

---

Shortly before midnight, XP had arrived.

Indeed, he was surely dressed up for the event and it shows how much he prepared for this year's Black Party - from his very toned down figure, to his fairer and whiter skin thanks to the Pearl Cream he kept on using since last year.

He was really dressed to kill, and whatever he gained during the months after the White Party last June was highlighted in his appearance that night.

And despite all that, my first favor for him was to look after Phanks while I lighted a stick of cigarette I bought at a nearby street vendor.

The party formally commenced by midnight. Roy, as well as Sonny also had arrived.

One thing that everyone looks forward to during the Halloween Party are the costumes donned by some of the most fabulous gays ever to strut around Orosa.

I swear, even if you are straight, you would be awed at how creative and innovative these people are in order to show themselves.

This year, there were guys who appeared as "Pink Sisters" (Nuns) and they surrounded this Pontiff that wore Pink Tunic (or whatever you call the garment worn by bishops and cardinals). That night they gave free condoms which in turn, I gave to XP since I know that he will be using one that night.

There was also this big guy who wore a black Queen Amidala costume. If I could remember it right, he wore the same kind of costume in white during this year's White Party.

Other notable figures that night were the guy who wore a very big headress in gold. The guy who dyed his hair white, and wears a white tunic that made him looked like a ghost who haunts Orosa for being not so gay that night.

These are the icons that graced this year's Black Party in Malate.

-tobecontinued-

Countdown Before The Ball

Some notes before the Kabuki Ball - Black Party:

• For the first time in so many years, I would attend this year's party with my Phanks. Truth is, I'm not really comfortable being with him in this ball. Perhaps this is what happens when you are used to partee alone, I just don't feel having fun especially when I have to look after my buddy all the time.
• For the record, XP spent around 4 months, boxes and boxes of slimming tea, intense and serious diet regimen and lately even working out regularly just for this event. No wonder, he's the most excited to go to the party among us.
• It's already past 8 in the evening but there's still no official Odders contingent for this ball. Nate ain't interested to go to the party because of his buddy. Roy either.
• The last time I am "wild" during this event was almost 3 years ago. I met Dodong there. He was 28, I was 21. We were supposed to have sex several weeks after. But he invited me too late. I got a buddy already.
• Roy and I had an agreement during the White Party. We said we would trim our bodies in preparation for this event. We were even joking that we would strut in Nakpil donning a black top and a very tight jeans. Two months after, both of us stopped going to the gym.
• The White Party last June was a big success. I wonder how would this party be for me.

Dream On Bebeh

On the eve of the Black Party, I just realized that I might be a bisexual after all.

After pondering while on a stick of yosi. Just thought, if I can love a guy very much, what can stop me from loving a girl with the same degree and intensity?

Isn't sexuality a fluid state?

Did someone say before that love is boundless??

--

Now my question is...

Would my versatile role ensures me of a healthy sexual relationship with an opposite sex?

Can I be contained by a single woman at all?

And should these thoughts prompt me to believe that I am not homosexual anymore? That I am in-between?

But you know what, in the end and despite the fact that I am harboring these thoughts,

The bottom line remains.

To the eyes of everyone... who knows.








Bakla pa rin ako.

Vent Out

Dear Mother-of-all-Babaylans,

As expected, bagsak na naman ang byuti ko sa balay. Pang third week ko na ito mamoosh. Ewan ko ba kung bakit everytime na lang tinatamad akong rumampa sa labas. Wala rin naman akong kasama. Tuloy, kaharap ko na naman ang PC at TV ko ngayong gabi. Mamaya, magsi-Sims2 na naman ako o kaya bubuksan ang TV at ilalagay sa Jack TV.

Paano ba naman, Friday na Friday walang tigil pa rin ang ulan. Sabayan mo pa ito ng isang obvious na obvious at malawakang paghahanda ng sangkabadingan sa Black Party bukas at ang outcome… walang nag-aaya gumimik ngayong Biyernes ng gabi.

Sa totoo lang, super imbyerna ang ganitong mga moments kaya! Dalawang araw na nga lang ang day-off ko, ang hirap pang sumayd-line ng rampa pag gabi. Kasi ba naman, ang sisterette ko palaging umeextra sa samahan niyang Komunista. Tuloy, naiiwan sa akin ang role ng pagiging “obedient/loving” daughter sa aking mudarakis every time na may lakad siya sa mga araw ng wala akong pasok.

Kadarating nga lang namin galing sa isa sa kanyang mga lakad eh. As usual, nagrereklamo na naman dahil daw masyado akong apurado. Dalhin ba naman ako sa department store at magwindow shopping ng ilang oras, ewan ko lang kung sinong hindi lalaki ang matuturat sa ginagawa namin.

Kasi naman mamoosh noh, kahit na ilang beses kong isalaksak sa isip ko na ako'y isang magandang bading, lahat pa rin ng habits ko barakong barako pa ren. Kahit nga pilantik ng kamay hindi ko pa magawa eh, yun pa kayang mag-enjoy sa pagshoshopping?

Ewan ko ba bakit sa pamilya namin baliktad ang roles naming magkapatid:

+ Sabi nila, walang nakakatalo sa pagiging malinis at orderly ko sa kwarto to the point na lumilitaw na ang aking Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Samantalang siya naman eh sabog sabog ang mga gamit, ang mga damit at mga tuwalyang ginamit sa araw araw niyang paliligo. Kung hindi sa mga dolls at stuff toys niyang nakasambulat rin sa kama niya, ilang beses nang napagkamalang kwarto ng lalaki ang kwarto niya.

+ Sa bahay rin namin, siya lang ang katangi-tanging nakakalakad sa loob ng bahay na naka-bra at naka panty lang lalo na kung tinatamad mag-suot ng T-shirt. Ilang beses na akong nagreklamo ng Harrassment tungkol dito pero dedma lang sila. Palibhasa kasi ako lang ang lalaki (note: gerl) sa bahay kaya niya nagagawa yun. Buti na lang, lagi nang tumatambay sa bahay yung half-brother ko kaya napipilitan na rin magbehave ang kapatid ko sa labas ng master's bedroom.

+ Lastly, siya lang ang binigyan ng right mag-yosi, makipag-rally sa daan all the time, magpaka-vain tuwing nasa bahay at nasa harap ng salamin, at magkaroon ng malaking budget pagdating sa pagpapaganda at pag-aalaga ng katawan. Ako wala lahat nun! Trabaho ko ang maglagay ng maglagay ng sweldo sa bangko at siyang gamitin para sa mga ka-chorvahan niya.

No wonder ako ang mukhang aktibista sa aming dalawa… kahit na deep deep down in my heart, dugong elitista ako.

--

Anyways, nag text na naman sa akin si Roy ngayong gabi. Dapat sana mag-iinuman kami para makapag-bonding at mag-update sa buhay-buhay ng bawat isa.

Noong isang Biyernes, ganun rin dapat ang balak namin. Kaso ang bading, nakipag eyeball sa ka-chat niya. Bandang hatinggabi nagtext sa akin ang bakla at pinagyayabang kung gaano ka-notable (no-ta-able) at ka-barako yung lalaking bumayo sa kanya.

Tanda ko nga, sinabi pa niya na dapat daw threesome yun.

So ako naman, ingget to death ulit. Ewan ko ba kung sadyang malakas lang ang charisma niya o magaling talaga siyang mag-PR. Pero sa tuwing nagkwekwento siya ng kanyang mga adventures linggo linggo, hindi ko maiwasan maalala ang sarili kong mga chorva noon.

Minsan nga, sinasabihan ko nang wag magtuloy ng kwento niya kasi masyado akong affected. Lalo na kapag naiimagine ko yung mga ginawa nila base sa kwento niya sa akin (graphic kami magkwentuhan sa mga ganitong bagay). Buti na lang talaga at housewife mode ako ngayon pagdating sa aking buddy at mababa ang self esteem ko, kung hindi baka nagkaroon ulit ako ng isang episode ng mga "misadventures" gaya noong nangyari several months ago.

Anyway about his text. Spluk niya sakin meron daw siyang binayarang masahista para bigyan siya ng service. Sabi niya, doon daw sa bahay nung masahista ang venue ng masahe. In the end, nakajackpot na siya ng sawa, nakalibre pa siya ng masahe.

Ganun kagaling ang parekoy ko! Kung hindi ko lang matagal nang kakilala yung mokong na yun, iisipin ko lang na stir ang mga kwento niya eh. Pero hindi kasi eh, malakas rin talaga ang appeal niya kaya ganung panalong panalo siya pagdating sa mga ganung bagay...

Na kahit na noong panahong single at bente uno pa ako, hindi ko ata matatapatan ang kanyang galing pagdating sa pagdagit ng booking

Wah talaga akong ma-say mamoo.

--

O sha, hanggang dito na lang ako. Salamat sa pagpayag mong sayo ako mag-vent out at kahit paano nawala ang pressure sa katawan ko.

Pasensya na kung talagang nawawala na ako sa sirkulasyon ngayon. Ganun talaga ang mga homeboy eh. Di bale, baka bukas maka-rebound ako sa Black Party. Yun nga lang, behaved rin ako kasi kaya lang naman ako pwersadong magpakita dun eh dahil si Phanks ang nag-aaya sa akin.

Siya nga pala, may friend ako, si XP na tinatawag ang sarili niyang si Gionna Cabrera ngayon, kwento niya bumagsak ng 40 lbs ang kanyang bigat. Dati rati, mas mabigat pa sa akin yun eh, ewan ko ba kung paano niya ginawang pabagsakin ang weight niya in just 4 months. Wala pang gym yun ha.

Siguro, dapat magawa ko rin yun by next year. Tinamad na rin akong mag-gym after being faithful in one month. Tuloy, nagback-fire sa akin ang mga achievements ko. Di bale, hindi naman ganun ka-urgent na mag-trim down ako ulit eh.

Saka na, kapag iniwan ako sa ere ng taong mahal ko.

Baka ikwento ko na lang sayo kung ano ang nangyari sa Black Party ha. Alam mo naman, big-time event yun sa maraming mga juding. Baka rin pala hindi ako makapag-report sa office sa linggo at sa bahay ulit magtrabaho.

Sabi ko nga sayo, kasama ko buong gabi ang aking pangga...

Shitty Shitty

Friday na naman.

I should be happily spending this day for my own, but I woke up this morning bored and feeling shitty. I should have already laid out my plans for this day last night but due to some upsetting circumstances, I just decided to lock myself up in my room and be drowned in playing Sims2 until I felt sleepy.

For some reasons, I have a hint that I would just waste this precious day off chilling out or probably sulking at home after accompanying my mother doing her iteneraries for this day.

Perhaps its because of the weather.

Since yesterday, the clouds never parted our skies.

Now, it feels like like it's Seattle in here. (ching!)

---

One lesson I will gonna remember this week is that since I could already afford to buy an original PC game, I will never gonna buy a pirated one ever again.

Paano ba naman, I was checking out some stuffs at the University Mall last Monday ata then I discovered that they are already selling a Black and White 2 pirated version.

Since I already have the first sequel, I am fairly familiar and excited to buy this second installation. So ako naman si bili, only to find out that I spent 200 bucks on a PC game that isn't working on my computer.

The following day, I returned the game I bought to be replaced by another game.

Again, the game I bought won't install. And it did made me really furious.

Good thing, I bought Mama some oldies Mp3s which is working naman on her DVD player. At least, not everything I bought there ain't working.

---

I don't know if you saw on TV what the Malacanang undersecretary did to the "symbolic" letter given by those group who wanted to try GMA in a "People's Court."

As in grabe. Imagine, after walking several blocks from the Palace to Mediola, after recieving it cordially from the opposition group's representative. Ampota, you would just tear it apart on your way back in front of the camera.

Gee, no wonder, everyone hates the administration nowdays.

Putangina ang plastic niya ah! Who's that guy anyway?

And with that, I placed another check on my "Why should I hate the administration" list again. I thought they scored a big point last time, but with what I saw sometime ago,

I just felt really hopeless for GMA.

Could we just have a snap elections... Now na???

---

Rica Paralejo, our cursed "supervisor kuno/tuta ng boss forever" has become a scourge once again. He fucked up my day two days ago after he broadcasted to the entire floor my flaws on my work that morning.

Yesterday, he messed up Mami's computer by chu-chuing to the boss that the only PC they can't access at the office is Athena's computer.

After the shift, Mami was informed that her computer would be reformatted. After spending so much time transferring her files to other computers, suddenly she was deliberately denied access to those computers she used for transferring and eventually her PC's internet access was disconnected.

Apparently, Rica was the one who denied mami access then eventually even disconnecting her PC's internet connection.

I promise myself that once Mami got her former stature back, we would get back at Rica. This time, I will surely fire back if ever he embarrass me in front of everyone again.

---

Lastly, I got a shitty message from Globe just now:

MyGlobeAdvisory: Matuloy kaya loveteam ni Sam & Say? Dont b left behnd on d latst scoop inside d PinoyBigBrother house! Watch PinoyBigBrother 24/7 w/ myGlobe G-TV. To start streaming, text PBBLIVE to 2366. P0.10/kb. Service available 2 streaming-capable phones only. No free advisory? Rply NO

As if naman I go Gaga over that friggin show.

Which is actually happening right now at home. Even my Tibak sister (who causes a lot of controversies these days) also watches that show.

Am I the only one resisting the current fad?

Turning Point

Trippy


It all started when I heard last week

that an uncle from the US

will visit the country.

My first thought was, I could ask

him to buy me... since it would cost

much cheaper there than

buying it here.

Guess what, instead of buying me

one, he just gave his old camera

for free

I just recieved it tonight.

I never thought that

All those "kakapalan"

would actually pay off.

After so many months of dreaming

of having my own.

Finally!

The Age of Digicam has Begun.

Beloved

Darkstar's Perpetual Rule On Love:


fuck me hard
when we first meet
and if u like me
and u need a relationship,
I might love you back.
I will build us
as long as you bond with me
and make me feel that you
need me.
make love to me
every week and I
will always be yours
as long as you want me to.
I will be your man,
your woman
your best friend
and even your most
reliable security blanket.
tell me always
how you love me
and I will respond back
by showing how devoted
and committed I am to you.
I am your warrior
and your motherly figure. I will
take care of you when you
are afraid, depressed
or even confused.
I am your guardian.
that will protect you against
anything that might harm you.
in my mind, Id even dream of adopting
you as my own kid...
because I think of you as my
other part.
your partner.
and your tag team buddy in life.

what I only ask from you
is to never fuck someone
behind my back
cause if you do,
I will simply take back
what is mine
and leave you without
turning to look back.
always remember,
someone else out there
can fuck better than you.
he's just searching
for a guy like me.
always remember that sex is
easy. loving and
attachment is the hard part.
cause its not easy to be in love
with someone
without the delusions
of infatuation.

when i love you
it only means one thing..
i love you more than
i love myself.

To Repost

I wrote this poem weeks after dad's passing:

---

Saan Tayo Magsisimula


babangon
pupulutin ang mga nagkalat na
damit na naiwan ng
ikaw ay lumisan.

titingin sa bintana
at pagmamasdan ang
dapithapon ng iyong buhay,
ang iyong mga ala-ala'y
bakas pa rin sa aming mga
kamay.

muli
ay bubuksan namin
ang pintuan ng iyong
opisina.
susubukang halungkatin
ang mga papeles na iniwan mo
sa iyong pag alis.

kasabay ng ihip ng
hanging bumubulong ng iyong
pangalan, bubuuin namin
ang mga pira-pirasong
gunita ng iyong isipan,
dahan dahan naming ibabangon
ang iyong bumagsak na dambana

at unti unti naming papawiin
ang mga alikabok mula sa bintana ng
iyong kwarto.

sayang,
sa iyong pagmamadali
iniwan mo ang iyong
panyong magpapaalala sana
sa ating naulilang nakaraan.

---

your sister revealed that today is your birthday.
instead of the 26th
you should have been celebrating your 49th right now.

wherever you are dad...

Happy Birthday.

for all the good, sweet and bitter times,
i sincerely wish that you are at peace
in the afterlife.

Homage

When we were kids, we used to have our own superheroes. Other's were followers of some American hero flicks like Superman and Batman or even Marvel, but I turned my eyes to the Japanese.

All I could remember is that it started from merely trading a game card or a "tex" during our recess when I was in elementary that evolved into some sort of devotion to a fictional superhero that would become a major part of my childhood life.

He stands 40 meters tall, has a fin as a nose that extends to his head, he has eyes like those of a praying mantis and has a red stripes and silver color for a body. He fights giant monsters and aliens as big as Godzilla and King Kong and he has this blue color timer that blinks red when this guy becomes weak.

Everyone calls him

Ultraman.

Ultraman changed my entire childhood life. For the first time, I felt how to become a fan of something that moved you completely. I could even remember passing every formal gatherings and outings just to be sure that I could follow the episodes every sunday. I used to even cry when I failed to watch one of its episodes.

It was like he was my god. Eventually, instead of playing tex with other kids, I spent all my baon attempting to collect every tex card that relates to him (which I still keep until today). I even had a major conflict with my parents after I tried to write a blank cheque amounting to P2,500 to a friend who had just acquired a book about Ultraman.

During the latter part of my childhood, I started re-enacting his exploits at home when I acquired a locally made toy of this guy, some several boxes of imported alcohol. miniature plastic jetplanes and other thingies, and of course buying several toy "monsters" that would become his enemies.

For a time, Ultraman and Ultraman Ace had become my world. It was a time when my thoughts and actions bordered on madness for he did affect every aspect of my childhood the entire time I was hooked up to him.

Then, as fast as he caught my interest and devotion, its dissipation was swift as well. Eventually I grew up and things that used to amazed me suddenly doesn't excite me anymore.

Those very light plots and kid-friendly episodes became less and less appealing to me. It gradually bored me until my interest on him stopped... I grew up and Ultraman had become a mere kid's dream and fantasy to me.

Later, when I discovered the wonders of the internet, I went back to my roots and tried to look decipher the entire story of the Ultraman universe. Those pictures and information I was trying to decipher because it was written in Japanese/Kanji became clear to me. After I understood everything. I closed that chapter of my life.

Ultraman, and all things ultra suddenly became a memory to me.

Then suddenly, I stumbled upon a DVD of his successor at Quiapo this afternoon.

For 1 hour and 30 minutes I watched the film. Suddenly, all the memories I kept from those years I was worshipping this superhero came back to me like a raging river of nostalgic thoughts and childhood innocent moments.

I thought I have completely forgotten. But with just one trigger - like that DVD I watched this evening, things that I thought I have forgotten already were actually all inside of me.

The text, the song, the superhero. It's like, its part of my consciousness. It just became dormant from all those years I never mentioned or consciously remembered him.

Nothing really changed. The Ultraman of my past is still the Ultraman of my present.

Tasteless

A week ago, my hatred for the government was bone deep.

But after what I saw in the news tonight - the scenes of relative harmless policewomen being attacked by raging young male protesters, and acts of heroism and tolerance among the policemen in the face of certain violence, my thoughts about hatred turned against... well, the activists once again.

From what I saw, I believe the government scored big points today. If GMA, in a slight hint of enlightenment scraps her ridiculous exective order barring government offcials from appearing from hearings, as well as the much hated CPR and EVAT.

I'm pretty sure that by next year, she will enjoy a relative calm and peace in ruling this hopeless country.

Filipinos tend to forget easily, that's what history have shown us.

Mama was right. A month ago, the pressure had almost vansihed, until some shithead from the government suggested these 2 controversial policies.

My opinions and sentiments toward the rallyist have drastically changed. Whoever suggested to storm the gates of Malacanang today - hurting other people as a result.

Must be surely out of his mind - A shithead too! Just like some key officials from the government.

Not only did he gave GMA a very nice reasons of enforcing CPR once again,

He just lost the support of sympathizers like me, who just a week ago were already beating up their own war drums to join such massive and peaceful demonstration.

Paradigm Shift

I should have been spending my night out tonight.

But instead, I am stuck here at home thanks to my younger sister, whose main activities lately is to hang-out with her tibak friends and plan their next move on how to bring down the government

For more than two months, I've been out of the Malate scene. I've been involved with close friends and family members up to the point of sacrificing my gay self in exchange of being domesticated.

And I did get domesticated. Never did the word homebody ringed a more defined tune nowadays.

Yet is this what I want?

I don't know... I just felt that as weeks pass, the more it gets harder for me to go out of the house at night and spend time with myself.

Lately, only the Odders would make me come out of my homeworld and practice my fabulous lifestyle for a change.

And yet the truth is... I feel the rejection to my former life emanates from within me.

Partying, booze and sometimes even sex doesn't appeal very much anymore.

Well sex... it depends if I will do it with my buddy.

Then there's no question about it.

---

Last night, as I was going home after accompanying my aunt from an AMWAY seminar, I chanced upon a young guy who was driving a modified Honda Civic that looks like a race car.

It was a sleek jet black one, with a lowered chassis, a massive shiny mags and a sleek spoiler on the hood.

While I was gazing at him and the car. I just remembered a guy I used to know.

He used to be the son of a renowned tabloid publisher. A 20 year old virgin who dreams of driving a car much like that - joyriding it until the morning comes.

It was his dream to reach Kelly Heights with someone very close to him.

Years had passed and priorities have changed. The power his family used to enjoy is no more.

Even he, was merely reduced to a blue-collar guy who fights his way into a life working for someone else.

Last night, I remembered the guy, while looking at this kid who looks very cool and very daring.

As I gazed into the kids eyes, I remember my own younger self. I could have been the kid driving the car, if things happened the way I wanted it to be.

Indeed 4 years is a very long time.

Tonight, I had the option to go out. But due to the circumstances and the headache I got from worrying about my sister's whereabouts, I just realzied that I can't simply leave home anymore.

I have to surrender my own freedom to make it appear that my mom is still in control of the situation. I also have to reinforce her authority by bowing to her commands, so that my sister would realize that despite my capacity to do what I want with my life. I am still bound by family protocols

Despite the slight tinge of regret and resentment. I know in my own heart that night-outs doesn't appeal to me anymore. The excitement and the thrill I used to breathe and enjoy is long gone and extinct.

After all, I had the best times when everything was still new to me.

It's my sister's turn now...

Indeed, when someone's freedom ends, someone's freedom begins.

It's how life begins a new cycle

No Ordinary Morning

*note: this entry was written on the morning of October 20, the last morning of my night-shift work. It should have been posted last night, however the freeaaky post have been given priority since the author found it more newsworthy than his own special victory.

---

It's already past 4 in morning. I'm still seated at my monobloc chair despite the fact that I am extremly sleepy and bored already while working alone at home right now. Perhaps a mad dash to my bed thus, stealing an hour's sleep a while ago allowed me to endure this night, still never satisfied my cravings for slumberland. This is the last part of the supreme sacrifice I have to do just to vindicate my shortcomings during the first time I did this primordial shift last Tuesday morning.

As the story goes, the boss understood where I'm coming. I didn't even have to explain what really happened. He just understood that I passed out, and it's okay with him. In fact he even made fun of it based from the remarks of colleagues I caught up with last Wednesday night. Perhaps he also felt that it would most likely happen since he made me do two shifts of work last Monday.

---

Tuesday afternoon.

The boss made a surprise text asking me about my condition.

As it turns out, he wanted me to take the night shift again. This time, I would have to guide our new text operator who will take over the responsibilities of the previous operator who just did AWOL.

To ensure that the black out that happened the previous night will not happen anymore, I made a good sacrifice by leaving my home that night to work directly from the office.

Of course, boss was really surprised to see me dragging my ass to the office at 10 pm that night. He even said that I could have worked at home, but I just replied "I want to guide the new operator, that's why I'm here." while giving me a "high-five"

Actually, my initial reasons for working in the office was to get the bad stigma away from me. Surely, it would impress the boss if he sees me helping the new trainees. Another reason was my mom was already complaining that the company uses our own utilities for their own gains. She cannot allow it anymore.

So I packed some heavy duty coffee drink for that shift - the first time I did after the extra joss years. I also ate my dinner before leaving so I didn't bring food in the office that nights.

Lastly, I bought 4 sticks of Marlboro Menthol to ensure my body of a nicotine dose every time things would get stressful since I would be opposing my own body clock again.

---

10 pm, the shift started.

There were 5 trainees that night. 2 girls, a butch lesbian, an effeminate gay and an old guy.

The boss was coaching all the trainees that night until the two trainees seated at my side of the work station caught his attention.

At first, all I can hear was his disapproval of their text replies. Then my boss got bitchier and irritated. He even made side comments like "mahihirapan tayo dito" or something like that.

Eventually, his patience run out that he asked the two trainees to join him out of the room. I knew that from there those guys are already eliminated.

When the boss came back. He lamented to me that he had to pay them P350 each for reporting for duty only to be terminated after staying for less than an hour.

---

The work was at its climax at around 4 am.

I had already exceeded my quota by almost a hundred messages and at the same time, my eyes, my mind and my hands are already loosing its focus.

I was on the verge of "blacking out" again. Good thing, I was in the office that if ever that happens, someone would wake me up from my work station.

To compensate from fatigue, I had to set my mobile phone timer for 10 minutes whenever I take a nap. After the 10 minutes have expired and the alarm had woke me up, I would just continue answering the pending messages again until the queue becomes empty

Thats what I did for two hours before my shift was over, the napping intervals was the one that saved me from totally having a black-out during the latter part of my shift.

---

Afternoon came...

I bought a new TV for my room after I donated my old one to the living room. The living room's TV just got busted beyond repair so I have to surrender my own.

Later that day, my boss texted me once again. Despite his promise to put me back to my normal work schedule, he sent me an SOS.

He needs me again at the night shift.

And so, back at my monitor again. I endured 8 hours of noctunal existence last night until this morning. Since I have already a counterpart at the office, I could just sit back and relax while we shared the pending messages for ourselves.

Since it wasn't a toxic night, Im sure the other guy had stolen some sleep too, just like what I did.

---

Finally, I have rebounded myself from the slump I felt last Monday.

I'm sure, the boss was happy too that I never failed him this time, when he needed my help the most.

Surely I missed my morning colleagues. The night guys are soo quiet.

I also found out, for the first time that I just got the brunt of my boss' anger when he woke me up one sunday morning, furious about why I haven't logged on yet.

The night people enjoy so much freedom, that I caught a colleague of mine sleeping almost the entire shift.

At least, even though I am not a cyborg* and will never be (cyborgs are those operators who eats text messages for breakfast, when they are around, they would literally steal your chances of reaching the quota), I have proven myself to be a reliable worker who never abandoned a post despite how difficult the changes would be.

Victory is so sweet after being wounded at the middle of the fight.

Freeaaky

Who would have ever thought that there is a company that really pays people who write reviews about online porn websites in the US.

Grabe, I thought it was a mere urban legend that circulated around the internet until I stumbled upon that company who interviewed me this afternoon.

"We write reviews for porn websites." said the interviewer

"I'm sorry maam?!?"

I cautiously replied, while trying to be all ears to what the interviewer was saying.

"Basically, you get to browse, watch and view porn websites - including gays of course for 8 hours every day and then write reviews about it. Thats what the job is." She explained.

Mind you, the young lady who was interviewing me was at most, in her mid 20's. She was small woman, with big eyeglasses and very lean figure. If Im not mistaken, she is a geek by physical appearance alone.

I was dumbstruck on my chair, smiling in hope that I could hide my disbelief and incedulity to what she revealed.

Then she drove her point by asking me to write a review about a certain website which will serve as my trial exam where they will base all their decisions if ever they will hire me or not.

So, for one hour and 30 minutes I was staring at a 17-inch monitor browsing photes of nude and freaky women (ewww!!) and white guys with massive cocks (yeah!!!) and relentless fucking, with no lovely forplay whatsoever and pink pussies oozing with cum that exploded from the guys who fucked them!! (mind you, the guy's faces were hidden from the screen which disappointed me greatly.)

When I looked around, I've realized that most of the people working there were guys too!!however, I've observed that there's a slight majority of geeks and freakies among the group.

I wonder if those guys ever get a boner every time they do their job.

Grabe, I know I'm a god-forsaken pervert but my powers won't stand a chance against such kind of work. Besides, if ever I'll gonna be hired there, (which is impossible even if they pay me 20,000 bucks to write three articles a day!) how could I tell the entire planet that my job is an online porn reviewer?

As in!! my mother would surely disown me if she ever finds out.

On a positive note, if ever I'd gonna work there, at least I might get to download gay porns anytime I want. Then I will sell it to you guys at a much sweeter price. Lol.

Besides, I would get leaner and leaner as months passes by... for sure bathroom trips would be longer and more frequent than the usual...

---

But seriously, even if the pay would be interesting. I guess, I'm not yet open minded enough to

accept such offer.

Besides, why would I leave my current company when I get all the perks I want from here?

Introspective

Contrary to my initial beliefs that I have already regained the trust of my boss, I think I flunked again last night.

As the story goes. I went home at around 2 pm yesterday suffering from a severe headache, which I can't still explain its causes until now. However, my boss texted me at around 4 in the afternoon asking me to become a reliever for someone from the night shift since the guy hasn't been reporting for work ever since the week started.

Happily, I agreed to his request thinking it would be good for my image overhaul. So I immediately slept to regain my strength and refresh my mind for the upcoming work last night.

By 10 pm, the work commenced. Slowly, I began adjusting to a different time schedule in the US and in Australia. I was also quite surprised how difficult it is to fight your own body clock which your body completely rejected after starting work in my current company. Imagine, changing yourself from being a nocturnal to completely diurnal for 4 months then all of a sudden, you would make a complete turn around just for one night.

Last night was an uphill battle and I managed to fend boredom and sleepiness until around 4 am in the morning.

Then tragedy struck.

Ever since, I have this very unusual body mechanism where I suddenly black out under extreme stress or sleepiness. It happened many times before with minor implications. This morning, after typing a response to a texter, I simply leaned on my bookcase...

... and the next thing I know, its already morning.

I was caught in a complete surprise. I never thought it coming. In fact, while chatting with the team leader from the night shift, my initial fears were to immediately inform the boss if ever I get disconnected for a very long time. That mean, my load just expired. When I woke up, I said to myself "fuck, i missed my chance again!" while the guilt and embarrasment started creeping in.

For all the improvements I showed this past few weeks after the initial "Stand Alone Conflict," here I go again falling out of grace.

Rica Paralejo got the chance to blame me again this morning. And that added to the depression I am experiencing right now.

I've always thought that I have achieved full maturity and responsibilty after dad passed away... but this kind of situations tells a different story about myself.

From Mami's famous "Akala ko mature ka pala" unforgettable YM message last week, to my own Mother's "You're a lousy decision maker - look at what have you done to the assets of our company" comment last Sunday. Things are getting clearer and clearer in front of me...

Yes, I am not yet the man I used to think I am. Behind the huge front of being bright and mature and responsible hides a little stupid guy who's as clumsy, lousy and shallow than most other guys I know.

Even my writing sucks big time nowadays!

It seems like my complete overhaul will take longer than I've expected. Sometimes, what pains me most is the fact that I feel that I never ascended into something higher in the first place.

That I have descended from my glory days back in college then I settled to simply living a stupid, very uncertain life full of regrets and missed opportunities.

At least, I took the guts to directly explain what happened to my boss, even if in doing so, I would further embarrass myself.

Yet, these are the things that makes me run away as far as I can just to avoid the hurt I just inflicted to my ego again.

Pathetic me... Now I even think, I'm an embarrassment to all the great, successful and powerful homosexuals as well.

The Great Saturday Dating Story

At the middle of last week:

Three guys announced that they would be having a date last saturday. The first guy's date was someone he met in the chatroom a week ago. In order to further get an idea on how his date looked like, he provided a link to the third guy and asked him to initially check out the profile of guy number one's date.

The second guy announced that he would "hang-out" with this guy he met from pinoyexchange.com two weeks ago. He said that this guy interests him because it seems like they have a lot of things in common. Like guy number one, Guy Number 2 provided a friendster link to Guy Number 3 so that he could check out if the guy he would be dating would pass the standards of Guy Number Three.

As if Guy Number Three maintains a standard of his own.

The third guy would be dating his lover, whom for more than four months endured a relatively unstable relationship. A week ago, they had a fight which ended in a break-up that lasted for an hour. However, since both of them believed that their relationship is too precious to be easily surrendered, they immediately patched things up and before they went to sleep, the have professed their love for one another again.

---

Guy Number One: I Am Beautiful And Guys Bow Before Me Story

As early as Thursday, Guy Number 3 already told Guy Number One (G1) that he found the pic-link of this guy he would be dating. For G3, G1's date is quite favorable when it comes to looks alone. So he told G1 that the guy he would be dating sounds interesting.

Despite G1's initial complaints that his potential date is currently jobless and has began to baby talk to him, G3 still encourage him to push through his activities last Saturday.

Saturday afternoon, G1 texted G3 that he called-off his date after his supposed to be date invited him to hang-out in his place instead of going out. Since G1 knows what his date implied, he immediately told the guy that he had an emergency that night and their date would be postponed indefinitely.

Once G1 postpones a date, it means he simply lost interest in meeting a guy he would be dating. Technically, he dumped his date after the guy showed that his intentions were more sexual in nature than a romantic one. For G1, his supposed to be date is not a lost at all. For him, he's just some other guy he met in the chatroom one evening he was bored and had nothing to do.

For sure, he would tell G3 that he would have another date with some new guy in several weeks.

---

Guy Number Two: And So The Liga's World Stopped... In Order For His World Stand At The Centerstage

Guy Number Two (G2) announced last Friday that he would be bringing a chaperone to his date last Saturday.

Everyone who heard his announcement immediately objected to his plans. Instead, his friends gave him a sound advice as to what to do in case his date has become a potential disaster.

His friends never knew if he listened to their insights or not. But last saturday, it appeared that he didn't bring a chaperone to his date.

As early as 7 pm, Everyone was asking G2 how his date is going on. Even G3, who was having his own date that night joined the hustle and texted G2 for updates.

To give you a background of G2, this guy is still a virgin. He has never been kissed by another guy and his last sex was still with an opposite sex. He has even yet to enter in a man to man relationship. That's why to everyone, his date is something news worthy.

Those who were following his story were even hoping that his date would end up in bed. That's how desperate his friends are for G2. After all, a guy can not be considered a homosexual or even bisexual if he hasn't even experienced a sex with the same sex.

Past 8 in the morning the following day.

G2 doesn't respond to text messages and even missed calls. Almost immediately, some began to speculate that G2 might have finally done "it" with his date and their "match" took more rounds than most guys could do in a night.

They might be sleeping yet due to exhaustion after a fiery and wild night together.

G2 texted several hours before lunch announcing they just drunk and nothing happened.

Nobody accepted his statement.

Later that afternoon, rumors were circulating that G2 said that he literally forgot the passing of time while he was with his date. According to the grapevine, G2 and his date left the bar half past 4 in the morning, which is quite unusual for a first meet up.

His friends assumed that if both of them were already intoxicated with alcohol, inhibitions would most likely disappear. And if there's no more inhibitions from both parties, the possibility of having a sexual engagement has a bigger chances of ever happening.

Besides, G2 admitted that "he likes the guy very much..." according to the grapevine. He said that the guys voice was a real turn on and he's the kind of guy G2 is looking for.

Reading between the lines, one could draw a very convincing conclusion.

It appears that Guy Number 2 had sex with his date and he lost his virginity in the process. Perhaps, for some reasons nobody still can't explain, he simply decided to conceal the truth so that his affair would never become an even hotter item. Surely, everyone would pressure him to spill out the details if they ever find out that he had sex with this guy.

Yet no matter what really happened. Everyone's fears did not materialized. Guy number two has a history of dumping his dates at the time when they were already dating. He didn't dumped his date this time.

Who knows, G2 might become the newest taken guy in the group before November ends.

---

Guy Number Three: Sex Is Everything

He arrived on time at their usual meet-up place near Pedro Gil.

Since the last time he went there to pick up his buddy happened more than six months ago, he had already lost the patience to wait for his bud, who usually arrives thirty minutes late.

Last saturday, his buddy texted that he was with his officemates at Robinson's Place. He told G3 to wait for him.

Out of disappointment after rushing to arrive on time at their meeting place, G3 became furious. He was even at the brink of cancelling his date completely. A minor fight erupted that lead to some serious verbal exchange between the couple.

In the end, his date asked G3 to meet him at the National Bookstore in Robinson's Place. Their intial meet up that night was rather distant and formal. However, coldness was replaced by discreet display of affection after G3s date snuggled at his back while he was reading a book at the books section of the said bookstore.

Their dinner at the Baywalk was rather bland and boring. Their food was half-cooked and the band that was playing sucks. G3, after having a minor disagreements with his mom the night before, started to rush things in order to avoid a confrontation from his mom again.

While his buddy begged to stay a little longer because he requested a song he would like to sing personally at the stage.

During his date, G3 realized that he was never really suited at dating. He tend to be distant and quiet when having a formal dinner with someone. He tends to avoid having any physical and verbal contact with his date whenever they are left alone.

He realized that what he is really waiting for is the intimacy in bed. No wonder, his claims that his highly sexual nature still remains with him was justified last Saturday night.

After dinner, they proceeded to Malate because his date wants to sing in a Karaoke Bar. Despite G3s insistence that they go home, his date complained about G3's obvious lack of interest to go out anymore.

Yet, for the love of his date. G3 gave in. They drank several bottles of beer which made G3 quite drunk. After an hour. They left Malate and proceeded home.

That night and the morning after... their "match" was extremely aggressive and their intimacy was considerably warmer than usual. His date, despite his initial plans to leave earlier slept until G3 finished his job, which he did at home to be with his buddy a little longer.

Suffice to say, the date proper was something worthy to do a walk-out, yet the night after made everything the whole activity a perfection.

---

Epilogue

Guy number one has yet to announce his date for the following week. It seems like he had finally dumped the guy who used to baby talk to him even though they haven't met yet.

Guy number two admitted that he dated someone who was having some conflicts with his lover. Although he had fun hanging out with the guy, G2 realized for the first time how everything works in the PLU world...

A day after their date, G2 texted the guy just to check him out if he was okay. Unfortunately, the guy never replied. It is assumed that everything is over between them. Perhaps, the guy had finally resolved his issues with his buddy the day after he dated G2.

And Guy number three... suffers from a growing pigsa... somewhere very near his anus. (note: he was never bottomed). Currently, G3 is bombarding himself with large doses of vitamin C in order to regain his energies lost after spending more than 16 hours with his buddy last weekend.

Their relationship remains stable, despite the occassional flares that happened between them. On Friday, they will be celebrating their 3oth monthsary.

The End

Kapag Ang May Pigsang Pwet Ay Tinira Ng Isang Pagkalaki-Laking...

Im sorry for being graphic. But thats how I feel right now... several days after I've learned what happened in Mendiola.

After being so quiet for so long, I finally had the courage to ask, if whats happening is still right? Because I feel that the administration have finally crossed the borders.

And you know what. I feel the hate, the anger which emanates from the edge of my fingers finally making its way towards my heart, my soul, my mind.

I swear, if I find some big rallies to attend to, I wont report for work just to attend that big rally.

I cannot simply close my eyes anymore to what I've been seeing in the news lately...

This morning, I was reading the editorial section of PDI. Somehow, what I read there struck a chord in my heart.

Now my anger is seething... GMA should really change her stand or else she would breed more disheartened folks like me.

---

From INQ7.net

UNPOPULAR ANGER

PERHAPS, THE HARD-LINERS IN THE PALACE should take their fingers-already crooked with long-borne tension-off the panic button long enough to listen to Sen. Ralph Recto. After all, the grandson of Claro M. Recto-the late champion of civil liberties, after whom the main thoroughfare that leads to Mendiola Bridge is named-has been one of the staunchest allies of the President.

Among many other things, Recto championed the controversial expanded Value-Added Tax law, a potential career-ender, on behalf of Malacañang. It would be difficult for even the closest allies of President Macapagal Arroyo to question Recto's reliability as a member of the ruling coalition.

But after the violent (and totally unnecessary) dispersal of last week's prayer rally and religious procession near Malacañang, Recto issued a not-so-gentle reminder: "Hosing down demonstrators will not douse water on their passions. On the contrary, like water to plants, it is these acts that nurture more demonstrations."

Could it be that Recto, who was only a student during the martial law years, learned more from the country's tragic experiment with strong-arm tactics than the ex-generals, former journalists, veteran politicians, and retired schoolteachers who now run Malacañang?

"History has shown that water you use to disperse citizens has an uncanny way of returning as a tidal wave of unpopular anger," Recto also said. Perhaps he really meant "popular" anger, but we get the point. The question is, does the Palace get it?

Opposition Sen. Sergio Osmeña III was right to direct our attention to the inevitable photos and video footage-of the water cannons hitting ex-Vice President Teofisto Guingona, Sen. Jamby Madrigal, and three Roman Catholic bishops-that international media will carry. These "will shock foreigners and will drastically affect the investment and tourism image of our country."

But the real impact will be as Recto and another member of the Senate's so-called Wednesday Club, ex-human rights lawyer and administration maverick Sen. Joker Arroyo, suggest: It will help steel popular resolve against the President. "What happened will radicalize a number of people," Sen. Arroyo said.

"Radicalize" is derived from "root"-you know, the kind that needs water to thrive.

Unintended consequences

IF further proof were needed that the administration's hard line on street protests is counter-productive politics, consider the transformation of opposition Sen. Jamby Madrigal. Because she joined the prayer rally and religious procession near Malacañang last week, and was among those who were doused by a water

cannon, Madrigal has suddenly found herself on moral high ground.

Before last week's "wet" dispersal, Madrigal was merely a first-term senator with a lot of money, someone closely associated with deposed President Joseph Estrada and his brand of populist politics, someone elected to office because of the kind of vacuous celebrity-driven campaign (for which she had engaged the services of show business star Judy Ann Santos). Her public reputation had seesawed between petty vindictiveness (because of the stories about the way she allegedly treated former staff members once she assumed office) and pretentious nonsense (because of the sudden risible lectures she was wont to deliver during Senate hearings).

But Madrigal, who has no love lost for President Macapagal-Arroyo, decided last week to walk the talk. In the process, she got an unforgettable immersion in the parliament of the streets.

Even those in the opposition who thought her suspect, because of her old-money background and her lack of political experience, must now concede that she has new-found street crede so to speak.

Her immediate response to the "unbelievable" incident has been rather unpredictable: She said she will file a case alleging human rights abuse against the Arroyo administration before the UN Commission on Human Rights-exactly the kind of publicity the President needs like a hole in the head.

For lifting her clear out of the waters of merely partisan politics, Madrigal can thank Malacañang, its calibrated preemptive response policy, and the unforgiving law of unintended consequences.

Dream Journals Four

Note: This dream happened yesterday at around 4 in the afternoon. The entire entry was alreadydrafted the moment I woke up in order for me not to forget the details of this dream.

--

It was a very freaky dream.

It all started when mom and I were inside our FX/PUJ/ or some sort of transportation that I cannot really remember. We were going to our old home to meet an old friend of mom named Ofring Areno. He used to be a baranggay counselor on our place when we used to live there 7 years ago. I knew where the home of this person is, but instead of entering the alleyway going to his place, we entered another one. Mom said that they already moved to a different house.

As we enter the alley from the main street, I found the place quite different from what I used to see before. The house on the corner was already gone. It was demolished already. I asked my mom what happened. She said, the house was demolished because its owners arrived late during litigation. (Note: there is an ongoing legal battle in our community, the land where our old house stands, and the entire baranggay as well belongs to a wealthy corporation. Until now, the issue hasn’t been settled yet after more than a decade of counter suits).

Finally, we arrived at Ofring Areno’s place. Mom entered into the meeting room while I was stayed in a separate room where there is a mattress and a couple of pillows. Suddenly, a kid of Ofring pissed on me. Good thing, only a part of my shirt was hit by the kid's piss. I realized that he just pissed near the mattress.

Tired and bored, I lied down into this mattress to get some sleep. Suddenly, I felt a gush of warm liquid hitting my face. When I woke up, I saw another kid pissing on me. This time I was furious, but mom came out of the meeting room and told me this. “napakalousy mo, bakit ka natutulog jan sa ihian ng mga bata??” When I turned around, I saw the kid pissing on the pillows and the entire mattress.

--

I left Ofring’s house to change clothes in our old home.

When I arrived there, I saw several very cute dogs and cats in front of our bakod. I approached one of the dogs, which was very friendly at me. I was even babbling something that I’ve already forgot (when I woke up). Then suddenly, as I was stroking the dog’s coat, I noticed that there are lots of big pieces of dirt being pulled out by my hands from the dog's coat.

And as I stroke the dog even further, I caught more and more bits of dirt. Then this dog suddenly wiggled his entire body. Big chunks of dirt came from all directions coming from his coat. I was even forced to hide behind a wall because the chunks of dirt flying from this dog’s coat is directly hitting me.

When he finally stopped shaking, our whole front yard was covered with dirt – as in scattered pieces of loam soil. The other cute pets were not there anymore. When I first saw the dog, there were a lot of people surrounding me, curious at what Im doing to the dog. But after the dog wiggled itself, these people are all left dirty and muddy.

---

Mami Athena suddenly came into the scene. She appears to be living alone in an apartment. This time, I went to her place to get something. A man to man porn I forgot to eject from her player.

It appears that I kept on forgetting to eject it out all the time!

The the choirboy* arrived at mami's place and he caught me getting the cd from the player. He just ignored what I was doing but I felt he knew what the content of the CD is all about.

Fast Forward

A big surprise party was held in Mami's place which has an appearance of a trailer (motorwagon) now. All those who came were mostly young guys like me. The females which I can remember were as young as we, but they appear to be fewer and hangs around mami all the time.

As the party goes on, the guys became rowdier and rowdier. Some of them even died of a gruesome death, because they tinkered with some of mami's huge electrical appliances. (I even remember watching someone being squashed to death after going inside this huge thingie that looks like a freezer you see in the supermarket).

Anyways, no matter how many tragic incidents that happened during mami's party, it seems that nobody really cared. Everyone was having fun... even Mami, who appeared to be laughing with some of the guys and girls.

Then suddenly, I remembered that I forgot to eject a porn again from Mami's player. So I took my time off from the party and went to the spot where the player is kept. Then choirboy emerged from the crowd wearing only neon blue boxers. This time, he asked me what I was doing and he appears to be very curious to my CDs.

The dream ended with Choirboy laughing so hard at me, as he opens the television to watch the porns I always forgot to take out from mami's player...

End of dream.

Vox Populi, Vox Fuck

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

Look at how our pathetic country slowly slides down into the hands of an oppressor.

At first I thought her actions were justified. Now I think it's completely insane. A former vice-president, humiliated like this by mere policemen? Senators and big time opposition leaders drenched in water being fired by the police?

This is a big fuck! You know that! This is simply an outrage to the highest degree.

The bitch out there is completely mad.

Now let's wait and see how things will go from this.

I hope the media would focus all its might into destroying her once and for all!

I swear, if I find a nice big rally to attend to.

I will leave my duty and join the thousands of people marching everyday in hopes of getting her head being stucked in a pike!!!

Mary J. Blige

Now it's my own family who is in disarray...

Son comes home from his "social obligations."

Mom ignores him for no reason at all.

Son finds out his younger sister is out too, meeting with her colleagues

Who's photos you see everyday on the front pages of daily newspapers.

Son freaks out. He was simply caught in the crossfire.

Mom accuses him further of striking back since son ignored her after showing something that doesn't interest him anyway.

Riot begins, younger sister still out of the house.

Son became upset. He felt his own freedom is beginning to be controlled because of the situation.

Son suddenly felt that he has no right to be out of the house during weekends.

Mom says that if everyone is capable to be out at night, she has the right too.

But the problem is, mom is simply bluffing. She doesn't have anywhere to go.

Now after the secret hurt has been inflicted,

And sister arrives, not aware of what just had happened.

Son locks himself up in his room. Pretending, everything is okay...

---

God, I've been so domesticated at the age of 24!!!

I lost a third of my recklessness, adventurism and sense of a nocturnal person at the quarter of my life.

Where's the guy who used to abused his freedom now?

Where's the one who used to proclaim Malate is his throne?

Does the guy still exist?




I don't know...









I just feel that I've been fucked up on a perfect Friday night.

Pallas - Ending

You almost made me cry while reading your reply.
I never slept thinking I would have lost you completely.

You know what, this incident made me realize how special and important our friendship are.

Thank you very much.
Lab u mami.



Non illigitamus carborundum

Pallas

I read your blog today and I know that it was for me alone.

I know, I was too irresponsible not to address your feelings as you confided to me the things that are bothering you. But you know, I was quite shocked when you said they all failed you.

I know it snowballed there.

Because I never believed it. Because you have always told me how that one makes you feel special even if everyone messes you up. Hombrito always reminded me of that...

I just want you to see that its a good reason never to surrender the fight.

That ONE alone.

I guess I was forcing you too much to achieve your goal of reaching that 9 years you have set for yourself, even if it meant being hurt over and over again.

Yeah, I didn't understand you... we're simply fighting different wars I guess.

I just hope that you get to read this.

With all my humbleness. I know that I have hurt you. I know I was insensitive there. And I acknowledge the fact that it was my fault.

I'm very sorry for what had happened.

I really do.

New World Order

The office party was a huge success.

Although, some of my co-shift colleagues were a no-show tonight, I got the opportunity to hang-out and know my colleagues from the two other shifts.

Aside from that, I got to bond with my boss again, which two weeks ago was completely ignoring me. It seems like my professional overhaul is reaping its fruits already.

However, it was a bittersweet party. My original hang-out buddies (the gay people) have already settled elsewhere after their account was abruptly terminated by our foreign clients. They lost their job in the process. That sudden and drastic shift alone left me the only out-gay guy in the office. The only ones left are the lesbians who seemed to be increasing in numbers this past few weeks.

Those guys who were hired were mostly straight who talks about girls and men's stuff all the time.

And its hard to fit in, despite the fact that my interest (except girls of course) is almost the same as theirs.

Good thing, most of them are from the afternoon shift. The party we held tonight somehow thawed the relationships between me and them.

I got the chance to be cordial with them and not in my usual snub, distant appearance.

---

Even my relationship with Rica Paralejo eases up a bit.

We never really talked tonight, even if we have a chance to. But at least, I was relatively warm at him. There were no pleasantries, like I used to show him when I was just starting. Yet I know in my heart that I was cool with him when I saw him this evening.

I'm sure that by tomorrow, everything would be different. The party allowed me to have new friends and yosi buddies after my shift had ended.

I also got to know some of the people I usually see during the change-shifts but never got the chance to talk to them.

It also ensured me a place in the company. I'm not a black sheep anymore. Even my boss said this evening that I am a good worker, whatever it means.

I hope better things will come our way. I've heard that there are new projects coming before the year ends. We would even have some new trainees in the next few weeks.

Too bad, the morning shift have to go home early for we have a duty tomorrow at 6 am. Now I'm pretty sure that this is just a warm up of the better and bigger parties to come.

I just hope that when it comes, everyone of us who remained are still intact.

and you know what I realized again?

No company I've worked before has ever gone close to this...

Indeed I am home.